Chapter Text
Cosima sat in the middle of the floor of their two-bedroom bungalow, empty suitcases spread in front of her, those then surrounded by an explosion of linens and dresses, swimsuits and lingerie. Off to one side was a neat pile of little knickers and dresses, bedtime books and bathtime toys. Everything of Ada’s was washed and organized and folded and set in neatly organized stacks over the weekend by her wife.
The neat little stack felt like an admonition, and she knew she had precious little time to get everything ready. She huffed slightly at her scattered approach. She had run through their planned excursions by day, pulling everything out they might need. Then she tried to consolidate and pair down. But she couldn’t bear the thought of multi-purposing. Her wardrobe was meant to be free-flowing and free-form. How did she know what she might want to wear to the beach or to that family dinner party – freighted with such emotion and meaning – looming only a few weeks away?
She would need to pick up Ada soon. And she could already hear Delphine’s exasperated voice, appalled at the mess in their bedroom, at her proclivity to drift. She felt rushed, felt that now ever-present press of stress, a tightness in her chest. She thought, just briefly, that it was a feeling she never lingered in before.
She looked down to check the time, but her eye caught instead on the simple platinum band. It went unnoticed, unremarked most days. It had been nearly five years since they said those words to each other, an elegant ribbon around an unbelievable fairytale – of love found then lost only to be found again. Taking a leap of faith and gambling everything - all in - for a chance that it would last.
It was a beautiful story – theirs. She remembered thinking that everything to follow that day would be brighter, lighter, easier than those years without the blonde, than those months they struggled to sort out career changes, paperwork and visas, mingling their lives.
But settling in had had its own challenges.
Her mind had drifted so far from the task at hand that Cosima felt exasperated, unable to explain just what was happening – to determine if this formless angst was a vague warning sign, a resistance to change, or just pure sleep deprivation.
As she walked out of the bedroom to find her cell phone, she stumbled over errant pieces of magnetic building tiles.
At the moment, she was willing to blame sleep deprivation. Ada had been overactive and sleepless the past week, excitement over seeing her cousins, maybe some anxiety over the change she could sense was coming. Either way, bath time tantrums and endless bedtime stories and potty-runs at every hour of the night had become their routine.
With all the chaos, they’d had barely any time to actually pack for their trip, much less plan any excursions for the three of them.
Delphine had had a series of final meetings to review progress on the ongoing trials at DYAD’s now-lucrative U.S. headquarters in San Francisco. She was handing oversight of the trials to her two most trusted colleagues and heading off on sabbatical with Cosima. An opportunity to give their careers, their lives, their relationship a breath of fresh air.
The meetings couldn’t be put off or postponed or phoned-in, and that left the task of packing their clothes and toiletries to Cosima.
It was a common joke that the free-spirited Cosima was the best packer between them. While Delphine was more organized and orderly and efficient in their daily routine, Cosima could always find unending space in their suitcase by rolling their clothes and organizing things just-so.
And their travels had had a way of reflecting their complementary relationship – this beautiful interplay of whimsy and meticulous planning which had so often led to a sense of being in the right place at the right time for some truly spectacular moments, unexpected but expected. They had had such amazing travels in those first years. At first, a whirlwind. Five countries in as many months and so many beautiful memories made.
They had both wondered if this upcoming trip would lead to something more, but they’d not spoken about what would happen after Cosima’s lectures finished after the fall. Packing now seemed so final, the closing of a most wonderful chapter. And she hated doing it alone.
Today, her mind kept following blind alleys about where things stood and where they might go, leading to the impossible mess in their bedroom.
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Delphine walked in the door, a drawn look on her face, tired from the long day, her briefcase in one hand and a grocery bag full of colorful prepared veggies and a few things for tomorrow’s last breakfast.
“Maman!!!!” Ada squealed, her silky brown curls bouncing as she ran to greet Delphine. “Maman,” she said out of breath, “All day I was building with Sophie, and, and, it was as big as this,” she said, holding her arms as wide as they’d go. “Sophie said it was pretty.” She stopped to huff and send an annoyed glance to her mom, arms crossing as she did. “But momma made me take it all down!”
Delphine shot Cosima a knowing, apologetic look, stopping by the counter to drop off her load.
“Well Ada, momma wanted you to bring them home so we would have them for the trip. You wouldn’t want to go all the way to Spain without your set, would you?”
“Nooooo,” she said slowly, slightly annoyed at the logic.
Delphine walked to Cosima to give her a small kiss.
“Maybe you should give mommy an apology. She was, after all, looking after you.” As she said the last words, she stooped over the little girl and made to tickle her, something the girl hated and loved at the same time, just like her mom.
Ada ran from Delphine to grasp Cosima’s legs. “I’m sorry mommy.”
Cosima stroked her curls, and laughed low. “Alright kiddo, it’s fine. Tell mommy what you want to do tonight.”
Ada whirled to face Delphine and clapped her hands together and yelled, “moon castle!”
“Again, bug?” The two women exchange a knowing glance.
They hadn’t quite figured out why their daughter called the massive pillow forts a “moon castle”, but Delphine blamed “Goodnight Moon” and Cosima’s insistence on stringing up lights around the sheets and bringing the fluffsters – mouse and bunny and kitten – into their fort. It had become a weekly ritual of late, anytime Ada thought she could get her moms to deviate from their bedtime routine.
“Alright Ada,” Cosima said, pulling her away from her mom and patting her bottom. “First, let’s let maman change. She needs to put on her work clothes if we are going to build a moon castle. Why don’t you go get our friends, okay?”
As Ada padded back to her room to grab the stuffed animals, Cosima reached for Delphine, rubbing her tense shoulders, and pulling her lightly into her arms. “I missed you baby. Everything go well today?”
“Oui,” she said simply as she kissed the brunette softly, nuzzling into her neck and exhaling slowly. “Scott and Elise have it under control, I am confident now. I can leave it to them and we will focus on what’s next.” She brushed Cosima’s soft brunette waves behind her, kissing just behind her ear. “Are we all ready to go?” She whispered. “I would love to take a long bath one last time, if we can ever get her to sleep.”
Cosima pulled away just slightly and looked to her feet. “Del, listen, um, the time just sort of got away …”
Delphine tensed next to her and let out a low sigh, “Cosima, we talked about this. I really needed you to take care of this today.”
“I know, I know. I will totally do it all, I promise, I just kept thinking of our little life here and … all the things that might go wrong for us there.”
“Cos, we talked about this,” she reached out to cradle the brunette’s hand in her own. “I thought this was what you wanted? I thought it was a lovely idea, brilliant really, but if you’re having second thoughts …”
“No, no, no, it’s just. No it’s not Valencia, it’s not the position.” She pulled back from the blonde, still lightly touching her arms, so she could look into her eyes. “This home, with you, it was the first time I was ever really happy, you know? I just don’t want to break the spell. It feels like it’s the end of an era.”
Delphine’s eyes misted a little as she met her wife’s gaze. She pulled her lips in slightly as they turned up into a contented smile. She was just forming a response to calm her wife’s nerves when she heard shuffling feet, followed immediately by a yelped “READY!”
Ada stood in front of her moms, little hands dragging a blanket topped with stuffed animals, a flashlight, and a book.
“D’accord, I must change ma petit.” She rushed off to the bedroom, excited for the night’s plan, time with her little family before their exhausting international trip.
Then she opened the door to their bedroom. Not for the first time it looked like a bomb had gone off, their suitcases in the floor, with some clothes piles in the suitcases, even more set to this side or that, and their bed covered in dresses and blouses still on hangars, all strewn from headboard to foot.
“COSIMA!!!!”
Her blood pressure rose immediately, thoughts of a relaxing evening flew from her mind as she calculated just how long it would take to sort through the mess, pack, and put the room in order before they left. She began with the pile between the door and the bathroom, huffing as she bent to grab pajamas and shorts and muttering to herself, “Merde, Cosima, dammit. Not tonight.”
Delphine could hear the TV click on, Cosima speaking to Ada. Then she came gingerly into the room. “I know, I know, I was trying to tell you earlier. Look, babe, I will clean this all up, I just got sort of distracted today.”
“You can’t keep doing this Cosima. Leaving everything to me. You know tonight we have to get her to bed. There is no time for us to enjoy our last night.” Her sigh was more frustrated than wistful. “How did you even think we could build a fort tonight!? Merde, Cosima.”
“Listen, let’s build the fort, okay? I’ll make sure we keep it short. She’s tuckered out from Sophie’s anyway and she should go out like a light tonight. You take that bath, and I will pack this up. Everything is here, just, you know, sort of … scattered.”
Agreeing may not address the deeper issues tearing at them, but Delphine couldn’t help but relent. She was tired. And she hated seeing the deep concern and apology evident in her wife’s creased brow and deep frown. The firey, free-spirited woman she fell so deeply for was recoiling - in some small way - at her expected reaction. It wasn’t lost on her, the effect this common interaction had on them.
She leaned down to meet her wife’s lips, her exasperation turning to playfulness. “D’accord, Cossy. Let’s make this fort, then we’ll pack together.”
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Dawn came all too soon, the chirping of a new batch of kestrels, snug in their nesting box, waking an excited Ada long before her mommies had any desire to wake. After a quick breakfast, the girls got ready together, amid squeals and laughter and much debate over which final toiletries and toys to take or leave.
They finally tugged the last of the luggage out the door to a waiting Sophie. Cosima and Delphine took one long, last look at their first home – a home to their first co-owned waffle-maker, to the angst-filled nights as they wrote their vows, to the hours and then months of paperwork and waiting to bring Ada into their family. That little house had held more joy and trial and comfort than either of them had come to expect or wish for.
They looked at each other and laughed, a quick kiss before turning the lock.
This had been a first step, a beginning. And neither were sure they were ready for the next chapter.