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Though he didn’t have nightmares nearly as often as Simon did, Grace’s nightmares shook him to his core every single time. Sometimes it was a replay of his and Rocky’s near-death experiences. Sometimes it was visions of the Earth frozen over. But mostly, he was forced to relive his last moments on Earth.
So there he was, screaming and writhing around on the ground, desperate to escape– to live. He was being sent off to die, and no one cared. No family, no friends, no partner, no pets. Stratt had been right that he had nobody around to miss him, but that didn’t make him any more willing to give up his life. It was his life! It should’ve been his right to choose how he lived it. But free will wasn’t a matter of concern for Stratt. It never had been. He’d always been a backup plan to her; he was just too stupid to see that.
“Don’t do this! I don’t want to die!” he cried, his pleas unacknowledged.
He so vividly remembered the pressure of being held to the ground and the sharp jab of the needle. But mostly, he remembered how terrified he was. That horror and fear stuck despite how long it’d been. No matter how many times he relived this moment, Grace knew it would never get easier.
When he woke up with a start, his heart pounding in his chest, his breathing rapid, and his palms sweaty, he wasn’t surprised. Horrified? Sure. But not surprised. How could he be, when he’d had this nightmare a million times before? Nearly three years living on Erid, and he was still haunted by Stratt and her decision to kill him. And yet he couldn’t find it in himself to blame her.
She’d done the right thing, after all. He and Rocky had saved both Earth and Erid, and they’d made it back to Erid, where they would live out the rest of their lives. Sure, Stratt didn’t know that was even a possibility, so she really had shot him into space, thinking he’d die too, but what else was she supposed to do? She’d been granted full authority to do whatever it took to save the planet, and that’s exactly what she did, regardless of how her actions made people look at her.
All his rationalizing didn’t slow his rapid heartbeat or stop the nightmares from happening, though. He could sit around and consider Stratt’s ethics and morality for decades, but it wouldn’t stop the terror from seizing him in the dark of night. It was frustrating sometimes, how he couldn’t logic his way out of emotions and had to, ugh, deal with them. Human emotion stupid, as Rocky would say.
Feeling the tears starting to fall down his cheeks and the breath catching in his throat, Grace sat up and reached out to touch Simon’s shoulder, gently shaking him awake.
While Simon still struggled to ask for help, especially with nightmares, Grace had no problem waking Simon. He knew what he needed, and he knew Simon would want to provide. Simon always did, in any way he possibly could. He was keenly aware that it was partially because Simon felt like he needed to be productive to be worth anything, but he also knew it was because Simon loved him.
Simon grumbled a little as he woke, taking a second to rub the sleep from his eyes and take stock of the situation. The instant he saw Grace sitting up, he shifted and rested his head in Grace’s lap. As always, Grace let one of his hands comb through Simon’s hair. The touch was simple, but it pretty consistently helped him calm down in these moments of post-nightmare panic. Something about the softness of Simon’s hair mixed with the repetitive motions just helped Grace self-regulate.
“Wanna talk about it?” Simon asked, voice low and gentle.
He was always so gentle with Grace in these moments, and not in a way that made him feel fragile. Simon just treated him like he was someone worth caring for.
Though he still maintained a tough exterior, Simon had ever-so-slowly let his walls down for Grace, Rocky, and Adrian. It was easiest with him, Grace knew that. But Simon had made a very intentional effort to get to know and get along with Rocky and Adrian. It took time, primarily because Simon and Rocky were somehow equally as stubborn and found the weirdest things to argue about, but Simon had put about as much trust in the Eridian couple as he did Grace. He was open about his past with all three of them and was always happy to listen to any of their ramblings, no matter the topic.
Even as he played with Simon’s hair and considered how far they’d all come, his body was stuck in the past, trembling and struggling to take steady breaths. “Not sure,” he eventually answered once he was sure his voice wouldn’t falter when he spoke.
Simon nodded, asking, “Do you want me to talk?”
Grace took a slow, deliberate breath before answering, “...Yeah.”
“You remember how you said that happiness feels like peace, and that’s why I don’t really notice it as much as I do the,” he gestured around vaguely with his hand, “cosmic horror of it all?”
Grace just hummed, prompting him to continue as he focused on Simon’s voice.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Trying to consciously note every time I feel happy. And, dumb as it feels sometimes, I think it’s helping. The nightmares still fucking suck, and I still feel like shit pretty often, but it feels less overbearing.” Shifting from his side to his back, he looked up at Grace and met his gaze. “It helps that, every time I think I’m happy, it’s your voice in my head pointing it out.”
Usually, when they did this, Grace wasn’t so focused on what Simon said; he just listened, breathed when Simon did, and let the low rumble of Simon’s voice bring him back down to the ground. But Simon had started by asking a question. A question about something he’d said, so he kind of had to pay attention to the words. Upon hearing the last statement, Grace could feel his cheeks grow warm as his panic steadily start to melt away.
“Really?” It wasn’t that Grace doubted him, but it was hard to believe his ramblings ever made a difference when it came to emotions specifically. He never knew what the heck he was doing there.
Simon faintly smiled and nodded, “It’s a nice change of pace from the other fucked up voices in my head.”
Grace let out a heavy sigh, finally feeling like he could control his breathing again. “What made you happy today?” he asked.
Simon hummed, recalling, “Waking up in your arms. Rocky visiting and telling us to stop being so messy when, honestly, this is probably the neatest this place has looked since I got here. Reading while you plan for class tomorrow. The fact that you’re smiling right now,” he concluded, reaching up and grazing his fingers across Grace’s flushed cheek.
He hadn’t realized he was smiling until his companion said it, but now that he’d said it, Grace couldn’t help but smile more. He reached up and took Simon’s hand in his, bringing the hand to his lips and gently kissing his knuckles. “Thank you.”
Simon nodded, “Always.” He let go of Grace’s hand to sit up, only to intertwine their fingers again once they were sat side by side.
Grace leaned his head on Simon’s shoulder and relaxed against him, closing his eyes. He didn’t fall asleep, but they did sit there in comfortable silence for a while until Grace found it within himself to speak.
“It was the same being-sent-to-my-death nightmare that I usually have. Nothing different, nothing worse than any other time. It just sucked and I wish it would stop. I’m tired of waking up like this and I’m tired of talking about it.”
“Then we don’t have to.”
“Yeah, but it usually helps me get back to sleep,” he whined.
Simon kissed the top of his head and squeezed his hand, “It’s up to you. I won’t make you talk, but I’m here to listen if that’s what you need right now.”
Grace was quiet again, thinking about what there even was to say. Simon knew how he felt about Stratt and what she did. He knew everything there was to know about this nightmare, so what was the point of Grace repeating himself?
“I think I just wish I was more upset about it? I don’t know if that makes any sense.”
“It makes sense.”
“It just feels wrong that I get all worked up and panicked and then I just think, ‘Yeah, but I get it. She did the right thing. I was just a coward.’ And that’s that. I want to be mad or even just mildly upset with her, with everyone that did that to me, but I can’t make myself. All I can do is feel scared.”
“Which is fair, given what happened. You’re allowed to make logical sense of it while also feeling conflicted about your emotions. I just don’t want you to completely disregard your feelings. Being upset that you’re not more upset is still a type of being upset. Dumbass way to phrase that, but there it is.”
Grace laughed, shaking his head a little, “But shouldn’t I be more upset? Wouldn’t you be?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely, but that’s because I’m not nearly as kind or understanding as you are. Never have been, never will be.”
Grace sat up, rubbing his thumb across the back of Simon’s hand as he met his gaze, “I think you’re plenty kind.”
“Thanks, Ry…” Simon leaned in and rested his forehead against his while Grace’s face flushed again. Simon rarely referred to him by any variation of his first name, but every time he did, Grace couldn’t help but feel flustered. Sometimes it felt more intimate than any sort of physicality.
He sat back against the headboard, looking up at the ceiling, “Still…shouldn’t I?”
Simon joined him in sitting back and shrugged, “I don’t think it’s about whether or not you should feel a certain way. It’s just about how you do feel.”
“I feel tired of this crap.” He didn’t know how else to put it. It was as simple as that, so why did he struggle so much to let it go? Why could he not just move on and heal? He had his best friend and his mate, he had Simon, he even had a classroom full of eager Eridians to teach. He had a purpose and a life here, but he couldn’t let go of his life on Earth. It was ripped away from him so violently that he spent so much of his time subconsciously (and occasionally consciously) desperately grasping at the memories, no matter how painful they were.
He’d wanted to die along with the rest of humanity, on Earth, even though he was capable of saving them from extinction.
Simon squeezed his hand, “And..?”
“And, I still feel bad that I had to be drugged, put into an involuntary coma, and be given amnesia in order to be willing to save the entire Earth.”
“Why?” They both knew Simon knew the answer, but he asked anyway.
“Because, I knew I was the person they needed, but I selfishly tried to run away.”
“You didn’t want to die, that’s pretty normal.”
“I was going to let all of humanity die out...”
“You and I both know that thinking about what could have been does far more harm than good. That’s not what happened, so don’t let it consume you.”
Grace nodded quietly, knowing he was right. After a moment of silence, Grace asked, “Do you ever miss your life before all this?”
Simon blinked and looked over at him, “No.” He then sighed, “But I didn’t exactly have much worth missing.” He paused, then asked, “Do you feel bad for missing your life on Earth, Grace?”
He nodded, “I have a good life here. Arguably a better life than I did back there, even before everything happened. Yet I can’t help but miss my kids and all the different cuisines and being able to explore the different biomes.” He felt bad for even saying it, knowing that Simon had never gotten a chance to experience anything like Earth, but he was too tired to stop himself from being honest.
Simon, thankfully, didn’t seem to be all that bothered. There was a hint of sorrow in his expression, but he kept his focus on Grace, “Of course you miss it, it was your life. Just because things went wrong and it was ripped away from you doesn’t make the rest of it any less meaningful. From what you’ve told me and shown me, Earth was a dream. There were problems, but there will always be problems when humanity’s involved, and that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t incredibly special and beautiful.”
“It really was,” he agreed mournfully.
Simon wrapped his arm around him and pulled him against his chest, “I like hearing you talk about Earth.”
Leaning into the touch, Grace shifted around to get comfortable while he asked, “It doesn’t bother you?”
“There’s not much you can do to genuinely bother me. I’m a little jealous, sure, but I can handle that.”
“I just don’t want to upset you. You’ve had such a hard life and I-”
“You sharing your life with me doesn’t upset me,” Simon interrupted, “I love hearing about your life because it’s a part of who you are. I like getting to learn more about your home and your kids and all the stupid shit you got into.” He smiled as he began to play with Grace’s hair. “When you tell me about Earth, I’m not thinking about my life, I’m thinking about you and how lucky I am to know you. Everything I learn about you makes me love you more and I-” A light snore cut him off and Simon looked down to find Grace asleep in his embrace. He chuckled and kissed his head, “Sleep well, Ryland. I love you.”