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Monika has never been good enough. She barely knows a single person who she's enough for. Barely. Because there's one person who's always there, who always cares, who always makes her feel like she's not a completely worthless failure.
Sayori.
Sayori Hashimoto.
Monika's girlfriend.
She can still scarcely believe that Sayori ever returned her feelings. She can still scarcely believe that their friendship had blossomed into something far more. She still wonders whether or not she's even good enough for someone like Sayori.
She wonders if she's ever good enough for anyone, point blank, because more often than not, it feels like the answer to that question is a big, glaring NO.
She has her parents to blame for that thought. Monika does, of course, love her parents. They treat her with love, help her, lift her up when she's feeling down—
But they also treat her with crushing expectations, cause her endless anxiety, and often become the reason that she's feeling down in the first place. A test score less than 100% is no better than a sin, and a single slip of the tongue, spitting out something they don't approve of can totally ruin the night—or even the week—and set them off. So she chooses her words carefully, and most importantly, she studies.
She studies constantly. Free period? Study. First thing after finishing homework? Study. Any extra time in the day? Study. Unable to sleep at night because of seemingly endless anxiety and stress that sometimes feels like she's being crushed whole beneath a pile of boulders with the air knocked out of her lungs until she can't fucking breath—? Study.
Study, study, study. It ensures she's doing well on her exams and tests, and if she's doing well on her exams and tests, her parents praise her, and if they praise her, they're not telling her they're disappointed in her, or thay she failed yet again.
So, that's what she's doing right now. She's got her math book propped up in front of her, with her copybook next to her, on the picnic bench in the school yard, and she's trying to block out the chattering of the students around her. It's not working, and it's all too loud for her to comprehend, and it means that trying to learn fucking algebraic division isn't going so well.
Why does she need to know this? She doesn't exactly see herself becoming a mathematician in her future, and even still, she's unsure how algebra could possibly help her in her everyday life, but if acing this test will stop the screaming and nagging, it's worth it.
"Okay..." She murmurs to herself, "3x³ — 2x² — 19x — 6 ÷ 3x + 1. Uh..." She clicks her pen, trying to focus on the sound of it gliding across the paper, and not the noise of the clamouring students around her. She lets out a heavy sigh, trying to do the equation, and spends longer on it than she would like to admit. She then skims to the answers at the back of the book, mumbling to herself that her answer better be right, and both her heart and her shoulders sink when she sees that it isn't.
She groans, slumping against the table, resting her face on the book. "That's the fifth one you've gotten wrong in a row, idiot. Why are you such a failure? Can you do anything right?" She asks herself in an exasperated tone.
She isn't exactly sure why, but positive encouragement has never motivated her to do better. Probably because saying "Come on, you can do it! I believe in you!" Feels like a lie. But saying "You worthless failure! You've got to try harder!" Actually helps her.
She imagines it's because it's echoing words similar to that of what her parents say. When she says those words out to herself, she doesn't hear them in her own voice, she hears it in their's. And hearing words like that in their voices is motivation enough for her to try harder and succeed, because really, she doesn't have much of a choice.
"Boo!"
And then, she hears a different voice. Her favourite voice. Sayori's voice.
She flinches at the gentle touch on her shoulder and spins around to look at her girlfriend. "Hey." She grins, her voice devoid of all enthusiasm no matter how hard she tried to sound like she wasn't on the verge of a full on fucking mental breakdown. "What are you doing here? Aren't you meant to be reading in the library with Natsuki and Yuri today?"
Sayori giggles; Monika's favourite sound. "Ehehe, yeah, but they're being too lovey-dovey with each other and it made me miss you!" But then, her happiness shifted to concern. "Moni? What's wrong? Have you been crying?"
Monika tenses. Had she been crying? If she had, she hasn't realised it. But when she looks down at her copybook and sees the tear stains, she realises that Sayori must have been right. "What? Ah, no, it's just my allergies! Anyway, how are you?"
Sayori firmly plops down on the bench next to Monika. "Nuh-uh, I'm not having it. You were crying, weren't you?"
A heavy sigh escapes Monika's lips, and she finds herself leaning closer to Sayori in spite of herself. Why was her body betraying her? Wasn't she supposed to just brush it off and say she was fine?
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sayori probes gently.
Monika looks away. "Sorry, it's just that...I have this really important algebra test tomorrow, and I'm a little stressed about it. That's all."
Sayori gives Monika's hand a gentle squeeze, and locks eyes with her. "Moni, I know you too well. You're more than a little stressed about this test. I know now that bottling up your emotions doesn't help, and the reason I know that is because of you. So you can talk to me, okay?"
Monika's sigh gets caught on the way out of her mouth and becomes a small cry. "I...I can't do this anymore..."
She doesn't remember exactly when Sayori had put an arm around her, but it's there now, and she's grateful for it. "I'm so stressed about it! I've studied for hours on end and I still keep messing up! I'm gonna fail it, I know I am, and my parents are gonna kill me! I've been studying all week, day and night, and I just—I can't—"
Sayori cuts in, in a sympathetic tone. "Burning yourself out won't help you. Your concentration will be even worse if you're working yourself to exhaustion, you know. Here, let's go take a walk, alright?"
Monika shakes her head. She can't leave this table. She can't leave this table, not until she can do the questions and stop fucking up and stop getting things wrong like the pathetic disappointment she truly is and—
"No, no, it's fine, honestly!" She replies with a forced smile.
Sayori lets out a weary sigh. "Moni...you do realise that before I met you, Nat and Yuri, and started talking to a therapist, I had to put on a mask everyday? I know what a fake smile looks like. Please, you don't have to do this. I know you're absolutely exhausted right now. And I know that you're stressed out, but please, just take even ten minutes to calm down. How long have you been here, anyway?" She asks, her eyes narrowed with concern.
Monika opens her mouth to reply before clamping it shut again. She isn't even sure how long she had been here. Time had blurred into haze of anger, despair and self-hatred, and she doesn't know whether she's been here for ten minutes or ten years. She has no idea how to tell the difference anymore.
At that, a rumble of her stomach breaks the silence between them, and Sayori stands up. "Alright, that's it. We're going to the vending machine, and getting something to eat, and then we'll sit at the garden and you can vent to me, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, she reaches out and pulls Monika up off the bench, dragging her in the direction of the door to the school, then up the stairs, then around the corner to the nearest vending machine.
Monika's mind is still in a blur when Sayori holds up a cookie to her lips. "Eat." The coral-haired girl presses, shoving the cookie closer to her lips. "I can tell you've been spiraling and freaking out for the whole day, and that you haven't eaten anything. And I know that feeling, so please, Moni?"
Monika opens up her mouth to protest, and Sayori takes the opportunity to shove the cookie into her mouth. Monika lets out a surprised noise before it shifts to a laugh, and then Sayori's laughing too. Sayori always knows how to make Monika feel better.
Sayori always knows how to make anyone feel better. She's so cheerful and sweet that it's hard not to feel a smile spread across your face because of her endless enthusiasm and positive attitude.
Sayori leads her out to the school garden. It's a small section of grass, with a vegetable patch, a greenhouse filled with many plants, countless bushes and flowers that attract all sorts of beautiful butterflies, and some log benches, one of which Sayori flops down on, gesturing for Monika to sit down next to her.
Monika does, leaning slightly against Sayori, and Sayori presses closer, her hands moving up to gently run her fingers through Monika's hair. Monika lets out a soft hum, shutting her eyes, and trying to find a way to press even closer to Sayori.
"Alright," Sayori says after either a heartbeat or an hour, "Talk to me."
Monika tenses. Where is she supposed to even begin? How is she supposed to even find the words?
She tries, not without a thick sigh. "I'm just under so much pressure. Hearing the word 'test' shakes me to my core, because it most likely means disappointed looks, critical tones, hell, even yelling if I do bad enough, which on this test I'm almost guaranteed to, because I suck at algebra! I try to talk to them about my feelings, and not only do they not get it, but it's like they don't even try to understand! Not at all! All I get in response is how I should be more grateful that they're interested in my education and that they're spending time to make sure I get a good future! Like, they spin it back around and make me feel guilty for having human emotions! And then I start wondering if I really am the problem! But either way, it just ends badly, and I can't do it anymore. We've got our end-of-term exams coming up soon, and it's so stressful for me! I have to juggle so many things at once and I swear to God that I'm so close to just completely falling apart! I can't...do this...anymore..."
Sayori is holding her, gently caressing her and pressing a light kiss to her cheek. "I'm sorry, that all sounds like a lot to deal with at once. I—"
"It is!" Monika cries. "I've got to be flawless with my tests, and I've got my piano exam on Saturday, so I need to ace that or so help me, and my Mom keeps bagdering me to join a club, and when I try to tell her that I don't have the time, I get nowhere! They just don't listen! Never!" She wails, head in hands.
She then grows tense, realising what she had done. "Ah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you!"
Sayori frantically waves her hands around. "No, please don't say sorry! There's no need to apologise, honestly. It's good to get this sort of stuff off your chest, right?"
Monika nods. "Yeah, it is. Thanks for listening, Sayo."
Sayori nods vigorously. "Of course! I'm happy to listen. And for the record, you're not a failure or a disappointment, Moni. We all fail tests every now and then, but it doesn't mean the world comes to an end. It should never be that stressful for you, and you should never believe that you're worthless or that you've failed. I'm sorry they're so hard on you."
Monika breathes a weak sigh. "I don't get it. My feelings for them are so...complicated. Some days, I love my parents more than anything, and they make me happier than ever. And other days they absolutely destroy me and have me sobbing into my pillow for hours. It's all so confusing."
Sayori nods. "I get that all of that could be hard to understand."
Monika looks down at her skirt, fidgeting slightly with the seam. "I just...I don't know. Some days they're so kind, and other days they're telling me I'm not good enough. And...God, I don't know. I think that over the years...I started to believe it."
Sayori vigorously—almost aggressively—shakes her head. "I don't want to say anything that will invalidate your emotions, so first of all, I understand your feelings. But they're absolutely untrue. Moni..." She reaches forward, tilting Monika's chin up to meet her gaze. "You're enough. Always. Okay?"
Without even waiting for a reply, she bridges the gap between them, locking them in a dizzying kiss, and Monika's grip loosens on her book. It hits the ground with a thud, and she brings her hand up to cradle Sayori's face, her thumb lightly caressing her girlfriend's cheek.
She knows that her worries will last, but for now, this is enough to put them out of her head.