Work Text:
A letter addressed to Sigma shows up at the Armed Detective Agency on an otherwise innocuous Tuesday. Kunikida hands it to them before turning to deliver the rest of the mail to the president, leaving Sigma to stare down at the envelope in confusion. It’s not as if they have friends outside of the Agency, nor did they order anything online, and the return address is someplace in Poland.
It’s heavy in their hands—thick, like it’s been stuffed with as many papers as would fit. The envelope itself feels like it’s made of a high quality material as well.
Dazai appears behind them, leaning over their shoulder to take a look.
“Ehh…” He clicks his tongue. “Sigma-chan, I think you should probably just burn that.”
Sigma furrows their eyebrows. It’s not a particularly odd thing for Dazai to suggest, but his tone lacks its usual playfulness. When Sigma turns to look at him, his expression is blank.
“Why?” they ask.
Dazai smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“It might be dangerous,” he replies. “Best to just get rid of it now!”
Sigma turns the letter over, running their fingers along the envelope’s seal. They don’t have any friends outside of the Agency, and they don’t know anything from Poland, but they have an inkling they know who this came from. The return address has no name, and the stamps all depict images of various birds, and Dazai is acting as if whatever’s inside might jump out and bite him.
“I’ll think about it,” they say, mostly to placate him. They don’t turn to meet his gaze again, because they know their answer won’t suffice, but after several long moments of silence, he does finally slink away. Sigma tucks the letter into the pocket of their coat, keeping it close. They understand Dazai’s wariness—and some part of them does agree with his insistence to not bother opening it.
But…
That’s a cruelty Sigma can’t quite make themself believe Nikolai deserves.
Ruska Street 15
20-126 Lublin
Poland
Armed Detective Agency
ATTN: Sigma 💜
12 Nihonodori, Naka Ward, Yokohama
Kanagawa 231-0021
Japan
To my dearest Sigma-chan,
How horrible it is that they stole you away from me and dragged you back to Japan! All while you were unconscious, and unable to choose what to do for yourself. Ah, but I suppose I did nothing to stop it. Why would I?
You told Dazai-kun that was exactly what you wanted.
It sickens me, to see you reduced to something like a corpse, moved around without your consent, but that is how you have always been. Bowing to the whims of Fyodor-kun, and then falling into my own control like a puppet passed between masters. You told me you never minded such a thing; that you were merely searching for a place where you could belong.
What a ridiculous notion. You don’t belong anywhere.
Fyodor-kun described you as “an ordinary man” but we both know that was a lie. Nothing about you is ordinary. You are an anomaly with no home, no family, no place that you hail from. You are the only being in this world who exists without a single tether, and all you dream about is something that will hold you down.
I should kill you for that.
Alas! You have protection now, and you are half the world away from where I am. They took you with, and left me behind. I suppose Dazai-kun figured it a just punishment for my crimes, though he served me exactly what I desired on a silver platter! Everything apart from killing my dear Fyodor-kun, of course, but as you surely know by now, he saved me from my own worst nightmare in that regard.
He saved me, and nearly condemned everyone he’s ever loved. Isn’t that hilarious!
I do not miss you, and if you were to come after me, I would have to kill you. But it is reprehensible that you have caged yourself in such a way, so I hope you visit me someday.
Nikolai Gogol
Dear Sigma,
I forgot how I do loathe Europe. There are no words in any of the languages I know to describe the utter hatred I feel towards this continent and how it functions as a chain around my ankles. Perhaps Dazai was correct in his assumption after all.
Luckily, I am not stuck here anymore. I can go wherever I please!
I would visit you, but I don’t think it would go well for either of us, so I’ve decided to journey to the States instead. You’ll notice this letter is in English rather than Japanese—because I’m brushing up on my skills! And you are fluent in all the language of the world. How wonderful! How terrible! I wish I had no mother tongue in the same way you lack a language to call your own.
Even that term is horrible. Mother tongue. A bind like family. You know I killed mine, right? I could not stomach the thought of any person being a weight on my being, dragging me back towards the place from which I came with their mere existence, and so, I disposed of them. My mother and father, and everyone else in the town who shared even a drop of my blood.
I laughed at the sight of their blood.
I can imagine your reaction to this even now, the same as when I spoke of terrible things to you back in the casino. Your eyes wide with horror, your jaw dropping, a completely ordinary reaction as a mask for the truth of your being. What difference is there between a human playing the part of a weapon and a weapon disguising itself as human?
I hope you hate me for saying that.
I hope you hate me.
Love,
Nikolai <3
To Sigma, the little bird afraid of flight,
Spread your wings and take to the sky once more
Sincerely,
Nikolai
To Sigma, the little bird in a nest,
Forget that. I care not for what you choose to do with your life. I’ll burn both of these as soon as the ink dries.
I hate writing in my first language.
Nikolai Gogol
|
Lieber Sigma-chan,
Hallo! Ich bin in Deutschland! Es ist nicht so schlect, aber ich hasse noch Europe. Wie bist du? Bist du traurig? Oder gibt es nur glucklige Dinge in Yokohama? Don’t correct my poor grammar; I’m only just learning. And don’t answer my questions either, I don’t really care. It makes no difference to me how you feel; I don’t dwell on such ridiculous things. If I cared about you, I’d have to kill you! But you know that. And that’s why you’ve stayed in Yokohama. It doesn’t matter if you’re sad or happy or anything in between, as long as you’re safe. From me. I’ll carve you out of this world like I did my eye, like I did my family all those years ago. I’ll pour gasoline over you and light a match. I’ll watch the flames with glee, and laugh with the taste of freedom on my tongue. I hate you. I wish I hated you. I HATE YOU. Love, Nikolai
|
Sigmachan, I think you would like my hometown. Too bad you’ll never be able to see it. Too bad you didn’t even exist when it was burned to ash. Misleading passive voice. When I burned it.
Why do I bother signing these? Surely you’re smart enough to know who they’re from.
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Sigma~
Do you think it is worse to be trapped in the depths of the ocean, or stranded in the void of outer space? Would you go to the moon, if you could? Would you visit the stars? They did always fascinate you, but if you could hold that which you dreamt about, would it lose all meaning?
If you could be truly, wholly, fully, completely, inarguably human—
Would humanity mean anything at all to you?
Are we doomed to disappointment the moment we grasp what we’ve spent so long chasing after? I am freer than I have ever been, but it is empty because it is not enough. I need to kill you.
You have to die by my hand. I will do to you what I was unable to with Fyodor-kun. I will drain the life from you myself.
But what would the point be, then?
With love and hate and everything in between,
Nikolai
|
To my beloathed Sigma,
Last night, I dreamt I saw you again. I dreamt you sought me out. How strange! I do not imagine you hold any lingering regard for me, though I hope you do. It drives me half insane how desperately I long for you to remember me fondly. I would dig my teeth into your throat and rip it out, but I pray you would tell me you still love me before I break through your carotid artery. “Still”. You’re laughing, I know, I can hear it. STILL?? When did you ever love me? Are you even capable of love? Or are you like Fyodor? Or are you like Dazai? They’re both so ungrateful. Do they understand how lucky they are? Were? To be limited in how they experience love? To never feel like THIS. I’d carve my heart out to make it stop. I’d kill you, but what would that accomplish? Fyodor is dead and gone but I cannot stop the thoughts of him either. You are unreachable, locked in a fortress I can’t penetrate, guarded by the only man who can put a stop to my ability and free movement. I hate you, and I hate him, and I hate Fyodor. I should have been the one with Fyodor’s blood on my hands; it should have been ME. I would twist the knife in his chest, and then in mine. HOW MUCH MORE FREE COULD I GET THAN THAT! I had a dream last night that you found me. For some reason. You said you wanted to talk. You didn’t bring Dazai, or anyone else from the Agency. You didn’t even bring a weapon. You wanted to talk. You held out your hand. And I, the fool, placed my bare palm on yours. What an idiotic display of trust. What a crazy display of love. But none of it was real, and I hate you because you hate me. I wonder how you are, but never tell me. I’d put a bullet through your skull. I hope you would do the same for me. I hope hope hope hope hope hope Oh, Sigma. My dear Sigma. Will you ever understand the cage you’re in? Will you ever free me from mine? Love (in all its unfortunance), Nikolai |
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Pookie bear Sigma-chan,
I am so deeply unhappy, and I fear I will be forever.
From your alpha wolf,
Nikolai
SIGMA!!!!
I ALMOST DIED TODAY!!!! IT WAS SO GREAT!!!! :D
o(*°▽°*)o ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FELL FROM THE SKY CASINO AND I SAVED YOUR LIFE!! AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD TOO!! BUT FUCK FYODOR’S PLAN AND FUCK DYING!! I LOVE BEING ALIVE FOREVER!! I ALSO WISH I WAS DEAD THOUGH!!!! WOWWWWWIE!!!!!!!!
What if I really did die when I was supposed to, according to Fyodor? You would have died too. And the prison break never would have happened—
WAIT DO YOU THINK FYODOR KNEW I WOULDN’T ACTUALLY DIE THEN????? SIGMA THIS IS HORRIBLE. THAT MEANS I WASN’T PROVING MY FREEDOM AFTER ALL IF HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME SO I SHOULD’VE JUST DIED BACK THEN AND AND
Well. I’m still alive and he isn’t. I love being alive!!
So that means I should kill myself, right?
Please come to my funeral. I’ll leave an invitation in my will for you.
Love you for as long as I shall live,
Nikolai!
Sigma,
That didn’t work like I hoped it would. Who knew people could be nice enough to save the life of someone they’ve never met before?
Oh well. Next time!
— Nikolai
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|
Sigma-chan, |
Beloved Sigma,
What does the most ordinary human-like being worship? Everything? Nothing?
I believed in God when I was a child, and sometimes, I still think I feel Him watching me. But that isn’t possible, is it?
Is it?
Most ordinary man, do you know the truth?
Most ordinary man, who do you pray to? Everyone? No one?
Have you ever prayed to me?
Beloved Sigma, what is a letter if not a type of prayer? What is love if not a type of worship? And what are you if not my God?
I am going to kill you someday, if only to prove you bleed red instead of gold. I’ll rip your heart from your chest with my bare hands, and I’ll eat it. If I cannot have Fyodor-kun subsume me, I will force that fate upon you. And then I will destroy us both.
Doesn’t that sound fun? Wouldn’t it be so romantic? When I partook in Communion, the priest told us we were eating the flesh and drinking the blood of the Lord. It tasted like wine and dry bread. I bet you would be so much sweeter.
Consumption is a necessary part of worship.
Beloved Sigma, do you hate me yet?
I know I hate you.
Nikolai
Dear Sigma,
“Love” is always described as a soft, nice thing. But in my experience, it is the cruelest of all emotions. If I say I love you, that is a death sentence for the both of us.
If you were to love me back—
What a heavy word to throw around so carelessly. I love you. What does that mean? I love you. It’s like a loaded gun. I love you. Aim, pull the trigger:
I LOVE YOU
Say it back, and we both bleed out on the ground. But raise a shield and you’ll save a soul who doesn’t want it.
Could you ever love me?
I hope not.
Point, aim, fire.
I love you.
Bullet through the heart.
From my gleaming golden bloody cage,
Nikolai
Sigma—
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
Dearest Sigma-chan,
No matter how many times I say it, I can’t convince myself it’s true.
The person I truly despise is myself.
— Nikolai
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Will you shoot?
Sigma sets the final postcard down. Into the empty silence of their dorm, they ask, “Will you?”
No answer.
“Nikolai,” Sigma says. Speak of the devil and he shall appear; call on your god and he shall answer your prayer. If the gun has been placed in Sigma’s hands, they’ll simply empty the magazine. Dump the bullets on the floor alongside the letters and postcards. Toss the gun aside. Choose for them both to live.
But Sigma doesn’t have the gun, do they?
All they have is the power to choose which direction it goes off in. Whether the bullet finds their heart, or Nikolai’s.
It’s not a matter of whether they love Nikolai or not, in the end. It’s not a matter of whether they confess the truth or lie to save their own skin. It’s a matter of how much they love Nikolai.
Do they love him enough to give their own life, in order to save his?
“This is worse than the prison break,” they mumble, fighting to keep their voice steady. They wish they had Dazai’s skill of controlling their heartbeat. They wish they had listened to him, and destroyed the letters without even opening the envelope. It would have been answer enough to Nikolai’s question.
But his blood would still be on Sigma’s hands.
“You want to know if I love you or hate you?” Sigma turns, face-to-face with a gloved hand holding a gun, pointed directly at their forehead. They reach out, grabbing hold of Nikolai’s wrist, thumb digging into his pulsepoint, but not averting his aim.
He couldn’t kill Fyodor with his own hands. He won’t kill Sigma like this either.
On the other side of the portal, he bursts into a fit of maniacal giggles.
Sigma lifts their voice to be heard above it:
“I do. Love you and hate you. Don’t you get it?”
They tug on Nikolai’s arm, dragging him closer, forcing him to listen and desperate to see his face.
“You aren’t caged because of my feelings,” they tell him. “You’ve always been caged by your own.”