Chapter Text
May 2029
Shane rolled over in the bed and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 8:37 AM.
He groaned as he stretched his arms above his head, cringing at the fact he had slept in that late. He never used to sleep in this late. For as long as Shane could remember, he would be up and at 'em no later than 7 in the morning. Even when he was a kid and Yuna and David were still sleeping. Even when he and-
Shane squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He didn't want to think about that right now. In fact, he didn't want to think about anything, but something started patting the foot of the bed. He sat up in the bed and greeted the dog wagging her tail against the mattress.
"Good morning, Anya," Shane said sleepily. The dog took this as a cue get up and approach the speaker, showering him with licks in the process. "Gross!" Shane said through laughter. He patted her head and she stopped, resting her head on his chest. "I guess we'll go get you your breakfast."
Shane and Anya went through their old morning routine. He let her out into the backyard, filled up her food bowl, made sure she had fresh water, then waited for her to trot back in and eat her breakfast. He didn't realize how much he had missed having a pet around, but being alone with Anya had been nicer than he thought.
He didn't even bother looking in the kitchen for something to eat. He knew there wasn't going to be anything of sustenance in the cupboard or the fridge. I really should have gone to the grocery store, he thought to himself. Not that he was even eating that much lately anyway.
He sighed and went to go sit on the couch. Anya was chewing on a rope toy underneath the TV. Shane looked around the living room for the first time since he got there last night. It looked different in the light, looked sadder. He glanced at the mantle and noted how bare it looked compared to the last time he saw it. He thought back to the last time he was at the house and couldn't pin down the date. What he could remember, though, was sitting at the table in the kitchen in January when he heard Ilya say those four jarring words.
"I want a divorce."
June 2027
Ilya was quiet on the drive back to Ottawa from Montreal. He and Shane had just spent the weekend with the Pikes, all of the kids buzzing with excitement for the upcoming summer break. Anya was asleep in the backseat, tired from days of playing with the children.
"Are you okay?" Shane asked without taking his eyes off of the road. He stretched out his right arm and gently caressed Ilya's knee. Ilya let out a quick "hm" while he watched the trees race by the side of the highway. Shane, not convinced, gave Ilya's knee a light squeeze.
"Just tired, that is all," Ilya lied. He still kept his eyes focused on the trees. Shane frowned at the road ahead of him. He wasn't sure if he should press further. Before he could decide what to do, Ilya spoke again. "I think I am jealous of Hayden."
Shane chuckled. "Oh, really? Are you sick?"
"I am serious," Ilya replied. He let out a sigh before he sat up in the passenger seat and faced Shane's direction. "Believe me, it kills me to admit that. But he has everything I want."
"Which would be...?" Shane had a feeling he knew what Ilya was going to say, but at the risk of being wrong, he played dumb.
"You know what. A family." Shane tensed at Ilya's admission. They have had this conversation before, and it historically hadn't gone well. He brought his right hand back up to the steering wheel. This prompted Ilya to roll his eyes and cross his arms. "I want to raise kids with you, Shane. We're ready-"
"You're ready," Shane corrected. "I don't want to start to have kids when I'm in the middle of my hockey career."
Ilya didn't want to fight back. It was always about what Shane wanted, not what he wanted. He didn't see why they couldn't take this next step in their relationship while continuing to play hockey. They were already 36 and had been married for more than half a decade. All of his married teammates had children. He adored them, but he also knew they adored him. He knew he would be a good dad. And he knew Shane would be a good dad. He wasn't sure if Shane really wanted to wait until he retired, or if he was just scared.
"You'll probably play for another 16 years just so you can beat Gordie Howe," Ilya finally mumbled.
Shane didn't respond. Instead, he thought, One could only hope.
August 2027
They had made their way through most of the summer without either of them bringing up kids again. Shane knew Ilya thought about it, not even necessarily convinced it wasn't a constant thread in his head. But Ilya didn't know that Shane had been thinking about it, too. The more time they spent with these kids at their hockey camps, the more time they spend with their friends and their children...
Shane was shocked to find that it was gnawing at him, too. But it had gotten to a point where he could no longer ignore it, could no longer fight the urge. One day, ever so casually, Shane said to Ilya, "So, what would you actually name our hypothetical children?"
Ilya had never smiled so wide in his entire life.
November 2027
It was the first week in November when Alessandra told them the news.
"You're pregnant?" Ilya asked excitedly. At the exact same time, Shane flatly stated, "You're pregnant."
Shane quickly wiped the shock off of his face when he saw Ilya stand to give their surrogate a hug. He followed suit and leaned his cheek against the top of her head. He didn't know why he felt so uneasy with this news. It wasn't like they hadn't planned for this, after all... it just happened a lot sooner than Shane would have thought.
Alessandra was one of Shane's childhood friends. They reconnected after Shane was outed and subsequently moved back to Ottawa. She was a personal trainer, something Shane found helpful for for the re-budding of their friendship. He was sure Ilya would be jealous if he hadn't known Alessandra had a very, very loving wife at home.
She had joked in passing one day that she would carry Shane and Ilya's child for them. Shane was almost certain she said it as a joke, so he was surprised at how excited she was when they sat down and formally asked her if she would a few months ago.
Shane realized they had all broken from their hug and were in the middle of talking next steps while he was lost in thought.
Before he knew it, he and Ilya were walking into their house on their day off, his husband beelining for the kitchen. He followed him and watched as he stuck the image of their unborn baby the nice nurse had given them under a magnet on the fridge.
"July 1st," Ilya said to himself.
"July 1st," Shane replied.
January 2028
"Shane, Ilya," Coach Wiebe called from the doorway of the training facility. Both men stopped whatever exercise they were doing and approached their coach. "A, uh, woman named Alessandra is on the phone. Says it's important."
They both nodded without saying anything and Ilya grabbed the phone, stepping to the side for a bit of privacy from the rest of their teammates. Shane stood close to Ilya as he tried to listen without speakerphone on. Ilya listened to Alessandra on the phone intently before quickly hanging up. "We have to go to the hospital."
April 2028
The Ottawa Centaurs barely made the playoffs. They had been having an amazing first few months of the season, but then things started going downhill after the start of the new year.
It wasn't public knowledge that Shane and Ilya had decided to start a family together. The only people that even knew outside of Shane, Ilya, and Alessandra, were the Hollanders, the Pikes, Rose, Svetlana, and the Centaurs. When they lost the baby, Shane felt a shift in his performance as a hockey player. He didn't want to admit it, but he knew the gravity of the situation was too much, even for an elite player like himself.
Ilya had taken his sadness and spurned it into anger on the ice. He was playing ferociously, and was frankly the reason they made the playoffs in the first place. But it wasn't enough to propel them further into the tournament. They were eliminated in the first round by none other than the Montreal Metros.
The Centaurs had yet to win the cup since Shane signed with the team. He always thought they would have won by now, if not the first year, then definitely the second. There was no way he and Ilya Rozanov weren't going to be unstoppable on the ice once they found their groove. This was their seventh season playing together, meaning this was at least Shane's seventh season without winning a cup. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, he knew he was angry. He was angry at Ilya for convincing him to start a family, he was mad at Alessandra for agreeing to be their surrogate, he was mad at himself for caving in despite his initial refusals to entertain the idea. This was our year, he kept saying to himself. And he let life get in the way of the glory of another cup.
He realized the worst part of this entire situation was the fact that he felt relieved he wasn't going to be a father after all. The first time that thought crept into his head, he immediately wiped it away, but the guilt of that mere idea continued to eat him alive. He wouldn't dare to say it out loud, especially not to Ilya. He saw how frustrated Ilya was when Alessandra miscarried, he didn't want to burden him with his own guilt.
So he kept this sick thought to himself and pretended like everything was okay for as long as Ilya would allow him to.
July 2028
It took Ilya a lot longer to bring up "trying again" than Shane would have put money on. They were at the cottage after a particularly fun week of teaching the future of hockey how to play the game, Anya sitting between them on the couch. "Alessandra and I spoke the other day," Ilya said without looking up from his phone.
"Yeah?" Shane said, keeping his attention on the nonfiction book he was reading.
"Yeah," Ilya started. "She wanted us to know she's ready whenever we are."
Shane dogeared the page he was reading and closed the book. "Ready whenever we are?"
"To try and have a bab-"
"Yeah, I know, Ilya. Sheesh. I just didn't think it would be this soon." Shane knew that statement wasn't true the moment he finished speaking it.
"It has been six months, Shane. The timing is right, she said she wants to try again."
"I don't care what she says, I don't want to put her through that again," Shane snapped. He saw how the miscarriage affected his dear friend. It hurt her just as much as it hurt Shane and Ilya. He knew she felt guilty, like it was her fault, even though the doctors reassured them again and again that there was nothing anybody could have done. Neither of them held anything against her, but Shane knew she was scared they did. And he was convinced she was only willing to go through with it again so as not to lose them.
That wasn't the entire reason he didn't want to try again. He didn't want to tell Ilya the rest of the truth, which was that he blamed this entire situation on the fact they didn't win the cup this year and he would be damned if he let something else get in the way of another legitimate run at the championship. He knew it was selfish, and wrong, but he knew that was how he felt and he couldn't help it.
October 2028
They had, essentially, been fighting since that conversation in the cottage in July. Although it wasn't always verbally, it was in the way both of them were acting with each other. They were both less affectionate, less doting. Neither of them dared to say out loud what they both were feeling inside.
Shane had turned into even more of a hockey-fanatic than usual. He used hockey as his escape from his guilt, from his upset husband. He was at the gym before Ilya was even awake, he stayed longer at the rink than anyone else, and he was awake studying film while his husband was asleep.
They had an unspoken agreement to put their differences aside when in the presence of company. They had arrived at Yuna and David's house earlier that evening to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving, smiles plastered on both of their faces as they greeted Shane's loving parents. It was easy for Ilya to slip away from himself when he was with the Hollanders. After so many years, he wasn't worried about losing them. He finally found his people, and he was sure they weren't going to go anywhere. Even if something happened between him and Shane.
They were almost back to their house when Ilya finally spoke, the first words of the entire drive between either of them. "I want to try a separation."
January 2029
Shane had been living in the guest suite above the garage. Ilya had it built when he bought the house, to be used by any of their friends and family whenever they wanted. It had been two months and their relationship had yet to improve. They kept their issues a secret from the team, acting as normal as possible when around their teammates. The last thing they both wanted was the press hounding them about the possibility of divorce.
Except that possibility was quickly becoming a reality.
Ilya had sent Shane a text asking him to come down to the main house. Shane's heart jumped. Texts from Ilya were few and far between these days. He would kill to go back in time and exchange filthy texts with him when they were on the road for work like they used to. Shane didn't even reply to the text, just put his phone down and headed down to the garage. He looked at the door that opened into the kitchen and paused. Should he go around the front and knock? Things had been so weird between them. After all, this was Ilya's house...
Shane decided to enter the kitchen through the garage with an announcement that he was coming in, so as not to spook his husband. Ilya was sitting at the kitchen table with his hands holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Shane wondered if Ilya was going to offer him any - he used to always make enough for two.
Instead, Ilya just flashed him a half smile and gestured to the empty seat in front of him. Shane sat down and didn't dare move an inch. He didn't even know if he was breathing.
I picked out this kitchen table, Shane thought. Why does it feel so foreign now?
His train of thought was interrupted by Ilya breaking the silence. "I've been thinking," he started. Shane sat up straighter in his chair. He had a flicker of hope that Ilya was going to ask him to move back into the main house. Instead, Shane's world shattered. "I want a divorce."