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It's dark all around me, the only sound I can hear is the battle cries of my comrades and the roars of the cyclops. I push my glasses up my face and run my hand through my sweaty hair. One of my fingers got caught on the red bandana, the one I always wore on my head. I laughed slightly and ran my hand over the fabric of it.
Odysseus wasn’t the only one with a child he left behind. I thought of my beautiful baby daughter waiting for me back at home, I thought about her bright smile when she handed me this bandana.
“Stay safe and come back home to us, Papa,” she told me in her little baby voice. I picked her up and spun her around in a wide circle in front of me. Her long hair lifted in the wind, her bright smile being shown.
She looks just like her mother.
“I will, my little light, don’t worry. I’ll always find my way back to you.” She giggled as I continued to spin her. I felt my love for her well in my heart, strong and present. That night I pressed her close to my chest as she slept. I listened to her little heartbeat and her breathing, trying to memorize it. I was leaving the next day, and I wanted to remember everything about her.
It’s funny, I’d known her only for a year, but my whole heart was devoted to this beautiful little girl. My little girl. She became my whole world the minute she was born. Her and her mother and my best friend, Odysseus were the only things that mattered to me at all.
My ears started to ring. I could hear muffled yelling around me, but I couldn’t remember…where was I? I closed my eyes and when they opened, I wasn’t with my daughter on that last night anymore.
I was back in the cave of the cyclops, men yelling and running around me all trying to attack. I started to move towards the weapons that were kept behind the rock. When I got there, not many swords were left. I grabbed the one closest to me. A pit dropped in my stomach, but I thought they were nerves, so I didn't mind it. I turned to go back to the battle but instead of moving I stood there. I collapsed to the ground, a giant object hitting me in the head. I felt the sword twist in my grip, and it turned on me. I felt pain shooting up my arm. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t wince, I couldn't move. All I could do was lie there and feel my life drain from me. I felt the crack of bone as the club fell onto me again. Blood dripped from my legs, their angle all weird. I couldn't move my arms, my legs, my head. Blood, hot, red, fresh, sprayed from my mouth. I coughed, the air in my lungs, replaced with more blood. I saw my hand laying a few feet away from me. A rising sickness came over me again, taking more energy from what I was using to survive. I looked up trying to let them know I was alive, that I needed help over here, but I couldn’t find anyone. Finally, I met Odysseus’ eyes. I couldn’t smile at him or call him by his name. The best I could muster was one strained word:
“C-Captain”
That title pushed its way out of my throat, the one everyone calls him. My final words to my best friend were going to be his official title. I tried so hard to stay alive and apologize, or to use any other name but I couldn’t push out any other words. My eyelids drooped until all I saw was darkness. My thoughts faded, my mind quieted, my pain numbing. It felt good, relaxed. I slowly lost feeling. I could feel my heartbeat stopping slowly. I took my last breath and my mind wandered.
Memories flashed through my mind. First, it was me and Ody, when we were young, climbing trees playing together. I saw another memory, this one of Ody, Eury and I planning. We sat around a little drawing in the dirt. This is when we killed the boar. We sat there for hours talking about the plan but also getting off topic. We laughed and joked with each other easily like we’ve done hundreds of times. I watched myself grow with my friends and family around me. I watched my wedding again, I watched my wife walk down the aisle, feeling my love for her even now. I watched myself care for my newborn daughter. I watched myself sing to her and tell her to always “greet the world with open arms” and to stay positive. I watched myself fall in love with my wife and daughter again and again over the previous year. I watched myself hug my wife the day I left for war. I watched as tears filled both of our eyes. I watched as I put on a smile and picked up my daughter, promising to think about her every day. I watched as I sailed away from Ithaca, watched as the shores got smaller and smaller. I watched as I whispered to the wind as we left,
“Goodbye my girls. I’ll remember you. I love you.”
Many people say that when you die, you see a light. You hear a little voice telling you that you are safe now. That was not what it was like. Death was numb, it was heartbreak, it was relief, it was darkness, all in one.
Death.
Death.
Death.
It was a dark pit. It wasn’t agonizing or painful, but it wasn’t delightful and healing either. It was nothingness and numb all in itself. It was giving up and relief from the pain at the same time.
Death.
Death.
Death.
It wasn’t something people should fear, but it wasn’t something they should look forward to. Death simply meant the end of a life. Nothing more and nothing less. Death simply means your heart stopping and your spirit living in the air, and the afterlife.
Death.
Death.
Death.
It was hearing the news of your loved ones as they moved on with their lives. It was watching them as they grew. Watching them, through heartbreak, through love, through every good and bad day. It was watching their life from the sidelines. It was being there for everything, but not physically. Sometimes it was wishing you were still alive, to help them, to offer advice, to hug them. To simply see them again. But sometimes, death is being content with the ending you got.
Death.
Death.
Death.
It happens to everyone. Everyone dies. Death is waiting to see all your loved ones again, when their time comes. Death isn’t a heaven where you are always safe and cherished, but death isn’t always hell. It’s some sort of in between that no person can describe correctly. Death is peaceful as much as it is sad. Death is inevitable for mortals, and honestly?
I don’t hate it.
I told my friend once to “greet the world with open arms”. I would be a hypocrite not to follow my own advice when facing this new adventure. I thought about the positive parts of situations that felt like they could never be seen that way. I lead from the heart, whatever happened to me.
So, I died, but instead of being mad or sad, I straightened my back, put on a smile, and walked into my afterlife with open arms.