Chapter Text
If perfection could be bottled, corked, and sold, it would have come in the form of the weather that day. White, puffy clouds dotted the horizon, with the sky the color of the most vibrant blue cornflower. There was a pleasant breeze through the freshly bloomed trees, and birds were chirping along with the chatter of the students lazing about in the grass.
Remus knew he should feel as content as they all did, laughing and relishing in the relief that was the last few days of finals week. In reality, he’d never felt so depressed about his current situation. His second year at Oxford was coming to a close, and he couldn’t fathom leaving his friends for the entire summer holiday. Again. All he’d heard at the beginning of fall term this past year was how much fun fun fun they’d all had.
It’s not like his summer had been a complete waste. His family home in Wales wasn’t anything to complain about, and he made some spending money working at the library. He even tried to take up fishing again with his father, like they used to do when he was a small child. He enjoyed the quiet, peaceful patience of it all, and had the technique down, but couldn’t quite get over the actual handling of the fish. How could something be so rough and slimy at the same time? And how were they so bloody strong when you tried to hold one?
When Sirius had told Remus about his summer, recapping his own was comparable to drawing with a crayon on newspaper while Michaelangelo was painting the Vatican next to you. He had gone to Capri, and Paris, and Ibiza, and probably every other destination city in Europe, they had all blurred together by the end of the conversation.
Sirius was Remus’s best friend, they had been random roommates at Oxford their first year, and elected to live with each other again for the following year. He came from an old money sort of family, at least, Remus assumed he did. His parents were never brought up, and they never went on any of the trips with him. Sirius always wore nice clothing, but nothing flashy like the new money sort of kids that hung around campus.
He wasn’t annoying about his wealth, not like it was his fault he has an unlimited pile of cash at his disposal. He didn’t flaunt it, he just wasn’t aware of how totally opposite his situation was to Remus’s.
Again, Remus wasn’t poor, his family’s home was a nice modest sort in the suburbs. But the only way he could afford to attend university was on scholarship money. His father was a boat captain, and his mother was a teacher, he thanked all the gods he was smart enough to be able to attend Oxford all four years for the price of one.
It’s also not like he purposely omitted these things from his friends, it just wasn’t hard to remain mysterious when you had no idea how to keep up with the lingo and social lives of these people. To them, hearing the words “public school” could have been equivalent to “my parents abandoned me facedown in a canal when I was 12 days old.”
Remus was always careful to refer to his parents’ occupations as ‘professor’ and ‘private charter captain,’ technically this wasn’t too far off from the truth. Whenever questions of his life before university came up, he didn’t use many more words than ‘a quiet life in the countryside.’ He’ll never quite understand how he fell into the crowd that he did, but they were all wonderful people nonetheless despite their glorious upbringings.
Sirius had a kind heart, and never made comments about Remus’s lacking wardrobe or his tattered school bag or his used books. He was kind to animals, and often took care of their neighbour’s dog when he worked on the weekends. He had an addictive air to him that could crack even the most bitter and resentful people into spilling all their deepest secrets.
The way he moved around their small flat–with all the grace of a million swans–and how his laugh felt like a warm fire in your chest after a day in the cold rain was all like heroin to Remus’s nervous system. He didn’t know what it was about this man, but Remus couldn’t get enough. He’d never had a best friend quite like this before. Sure, he’d had Marlene, but they had fallen out of touch when she moved away, and surely not because of their doomed relationship.
Presently, Sirius was rambling on to James about some assignment or another, and how his argumentative essay had a million holes in it, but that he didn’t really care. Remus wasn’t listening too closely, all he could focus on was the way that Sirius’s hair always looked black in the shade, until it was under the scrutiny of sunlight and you could make out the reddish gold undertones that revealed it was actually just a very, very, dark shade of brown. The way he absentmindedly swept the collarbone length strands away from his face with careless ease made Remus frown a little and look away.
It wasn’t fair for someone to be so handsome and charming and rich and wonderful and nice all at the same time.
They sat on the grass with Mary—Sirius’s girlfriend—and James, a childhood friend of the Black’s. Sirius was laid down on his side with one hand propping his head up, and the other on Mary’s thigh who sat cross legged in front of him, with her back leaned against his stomach. They were the most beautiful couple on campus, if Remus had any opinion on the matter. Mary had dark curly hair that wove its way down to her breasts, and the smoothest skin the color of dark honey. Her gold jewelry glinted just right in the bright afternoon sun, and she wore the sub fusc academic wear like it wasn’t bleak white and black, but the most brilliant colors and trim to ever exist.
Sirius and James looked dashing and like they were ready to attend a royal wedding in their white shirts and black trousers, while Remus felt like a child playing dress up. Their end of year examinations were one of the few times per year they had to dress formally, and Remus was ready to shred the clothing from his skin. Thanks be that there were only two days left of the term and a handful of exams to go.
Remus sat picking at the grass, daydreaming about his summer. Was there a word for pessimistic daydreaming? Not quite rumination, but perhaps daynightmaring was a better term for it. Either way, that’s what he was doing. Thinking about his shite summer in his shite town working his shite job and, lovely, now he was tearing at the grass and ripping it from the earth the same way he wanted to rip his own skin off.
He hadn’t noticed he had made a bald patch of dirt in the ground until there was green and brown caked under his fingernails and Sirius had sat up to snap in his face.
“Remus! Bloody hell, what did that grass ever do to you?”
Remus looked up, blinking a few times before his surroundings refocused in his vision and he was looking into the grey eyes of Sirius.
“What? Oh, er, it told me to tell you to fuck off,” Remus retorted, but quickly had a smile back on his face.
“We were just talking about getting together over the summer! What do you think? Would you come? To Grimmwood?” Sirius looked at him hopefully.
Grimmwood was the Black family estate, located somewhere in the English countryside. Remus never asked too many details, but he knew it must be sprawling and old because number one, who names their home these days and number two, who refers to said home as an estate? The idea was unfathomable. Remus was picturing Buckingham Palace, or Dracula’s castle. The image switched from day to day based on the conversation. Right now, it was more Palace style.
Quick to snap out of his roaming thoughts again, the question finally locked into place. He wanted Remus, of all people, at his home?
“Oh! I mean, I’d probably have to check with my parents… and transportation… I don’t have a car,” Remus frowned, “I don’t want to burden you.”
“Nonsense!” Sirius clapped him on the shoulder, the touch burned all the way down through Remus’s arm. “Just come with us when we drive back from school. Stay as long as you’d like. Really, you can have a whole bloody wing of the house if you want it. We’ll call your parents when we get back to the flat!”
Remus only stared in disbelief at his friend, but gave the slightest nod of his head.
“Brilliant. Then it’s settled. Oh, this summer is going to be fantastic!”
“Can Lily come? And did you invite Peter yet?” James asked timidly.
Sirius waved his hand through the air, “invite whoever you want. Hey, maybe she’ll actually acknowledge you exist this summer!”
James punched Sirius hard in the arm, but there was no malice behind it. “Joking! Joking. God,” Sirius lovingly rolled his eyes, “and Pete regrets to inform us he will be spending his holiday in America with his cousins.” He gave a visceral shudder.
“Didn’t know he had family in America,” Mary said, looking back at Sirius.
“His mum’s brother moved there a while ago, something or other. Dunno, but I pity the poor fellow.”
Remus stood alone in his room three days later looking down at a small suitcase with nearly everything he owned stuffed into it. He had spoken to his mother earlier, and she was delighted to hear about him spending time with friends, so long as he promised to stop by the house before the end of the summer. He and Sirius were spending another year in their same flat, so there was no need to take the posters off the wall or the dishes out of the cupboards.
All he really had to do at the moment was try his very hardest to not throw up. They were leaving for Grimmwood in a few hours, and it would take another few to get there. Remus had the nerves of a shaking chihuahua, he was so sure he was going to offend someone with something he said or make some vulgar gesture by accident. The only wealthy people he had ever been around were right here at this university, and he knew he didn’t fit the bill, looks or manners wise.
“You almost ready?” Sirius sauntered into his bedroom, with his hands in his slacks pockets and a linen button-up. He was like Marilyn Monroe in the sense that you could put him in a potato sack and he’d still manage to outshine the best dressed in the room. All of their friends could.
“Think so. Hey… your parents? Will they be there? Or your brother?”
“Yes, and regretfully, also yes,” Sirius scoffed. His brother Regulus was a bit of a sore topic, they hadn’t seen eye to eye since they were much younger. He would be completing his first year here at Oxford, but Remus had never spoken to him, only seen him in short glimpses.
Regulus, if possible, had an even more aristocratic air to him that Sirius did. He never had a hair out of place, which was slightly more cropped but had that same perfect wave to it, and his clothing was always ironed and tailored to perfection like it was personally sewn to his body by hand everyday. He was an inch or two shorter than Sirius, but carried himself like he was as tall as a building. His eyes were sharp and cunning–they reminded Remus of a snow leopard’s–and his facial structure was so dramatically sculpted, the hollows of his cheeks often cast dark shadows in the right light.
Sirius never really told Remus what had happened between them, but that was only fair with the amount that Remus left out about his own personal life.
Remus swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing, “Sirius, you know I still feel like a bit of a burden going home with you like this.” He gestured to his ripping suitcase.
“Not at all, love. We’ll be so glad to have you. Honestly, last summer was fun, but I just need some time to do absolutely nothing but get pissed with my best mates. Seriously, I’d have told you you were a burden if you hadn’t agreed to come,” Sirius had a grin plastered on his face, and reached for Remus’s suitcase to put it by the door.
“Okay, yeah. You’re right, it’ll be great.” Sirius had that way of making everyone feel included and loved, and Remus was feeling like maybe he didn’t need to be so nervous about the whole situation.
“And just wait until the summer solstice party! Oh, Remus. You have no idea the kinds of parties we can throw at Grimmwood,” he smiled ear to ear over his shoulder before walking out the door to go round up Mary and James.
Oh, Christ.
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Sirius drove a sleek black 1972 Aston Martin DBS with a V8 engine. Remus didn’t know much about cars, but he knew this was a fucking nice one. It had four seats in it, but there was simply no way for all of their luggage to fit into its trunk. James elected to drive his own car anyway, and had convinced Lily to go with him, who had claimed, “only for a week or two, some of us actually have shite to do.”
He drove one of the newer Range Rover models, a large 4x4 that had plenty of room for all their things. When Remus got in the back seat of the Aston Martin a few hours later with Mary up front, he couldn’t peel his eyes away from the way Sirius carefully donned his sunglasses and wrapped an intricately detailed red and black silk scarf around his head.
He tied it under his chin before rolling all the windows down, which on anybody else would have looked silly and absurd, but looked effortlessly chic and cool on someone like Sirius. That scarf probably cost as much as Remus’s parents made in an entire year.
Remus leaned his head slightly out his window and tuned everything else out. BBC Radio 1 was blaring rock music through the speakers as town after town rolled by and the scenery began to blur. Mary and Sirius held hands nearly the whole way, singing along to every tune they knew. Sirius was frequently checking his rearview mirror, and Remus couldn’t help but feel a lingering gaze every now and then. Probably just Sirius making sure he didn’t try to launch himself out the window.
When the car began to slow and they drove through a tall wrought-iron gate, Remus was confused at first as to why this town was walled in. That is, until he realized that they had arrived at their destination. Sprawling was the understatement of the century when it came to describing Grimmwood.
It had so many buildings adjacent to the main house that Remus couldn’t even begin to guess at what they were used for–one was definitely a greenhouse, and okay that other one was the poolhouse, that other one was a stable of some sort, and that one… a winery? Of course, why wouldn’t there be a bloody winery next to the acres of vineyards?
The home itself was unlike anything Remus had ever seen before in his life. It was so overwhelmingly large and beautiful he felt like he might be sick. With weathered tan stone as far as the eye could see, and turrets and towers and vines and terrace after terrace and literal fucking gargoyle statues atop the windows, Remus just couldn’t believe something like this existed. It was straight out of a fairytale.
The long path down to the house was sandwiched by a perfectly manicured lawn, with ornate gardens that made mesmerizing patterns in between the greenery. There were ponds and forests and probably unicorns and Santa Claus and Jesus Christ reincarnated somewhere on the property.
Mary was giggling, while Remus only sat slack jawed in the backseat, waiting for her to get out so he could push the seat forward and get a better look at everything. I mean what the fuck? People live here? No. No, no, no. This is a prank, Sirius is going to jump out and say “jokes! We’re actually friends with the Duke of Westminster and this is one of his homes!”
But Sirius didn’t say that, he only said, “well, would you like a tour?”
Remus knew the Blacks were wealthy, but fucking hell, he didn’t know they were like, wealthy wealthy. Like generational wealth dating back to the middle ages wealthy. Like, try to imagine the largest sum of money you can possibly see in your mind’s eye, and then multiply that by a thousand. Then another thousand just to be sure.
Remus and Sirius split off as Mary said she’d meet them by the pool. The inside of the home was just as insane as the outside. There was nothing grim about it at all. The best way to describe it was like the Palace of Versailles, which Sirius joked was actually inspired by this home. Remus wasn’t actually so sure it was a joke. There were far too many rooms to actually be able to see all of them unless you had an entire week and some comfortable trainers to do so. They passed what seemed to be about 50 different people who worked in and around the estate on their little excursion.
Sirius knew every single one of their names.
Finally, he took him outside to the large natural swimming pool at the back of the house, where Mary was already lounging in a large sunhat, a fashionable blue bikini, and a book in hand.
Sirius walked over to her and placed a tender kiss on her cheek before flopping down on the lounge chair next to her. Remus idled awkwardly for a moment before sitting at the small bistro table to the side. It was a very hot day, and the sun was at that point in the sky right before it began to set that it felt a million degrees hotter; a swim would be a lovely thing.
Remus wasn’t insecure about his body, per se, only at a surface level. He saw the lingering gazes women gave him on campus, and he wasn’t diffident enough to realize these were gazes of appreciation, or admiration or something, and not disgust.
What he was insecure about were the stark gashes that adorned his body like pavement cracks on a poorly tarred street. He didn’t like to acknowledge them in the mirror or to himself or to anybody else. The way he got them really wasn’t anything to be marveled at, and he couldn’t stand the pitying looks on everyone’s face when they would ask what had happened to him.
His mother had let him sit in the front seat for the drive, they were only going to his grandparents' house for Sunday dinner. It had been dusk, and one moment the road was clear, and the next there was a horse the size of their small car in front of them. Remus knew animals got struck all the time, but a bloody horse? Safe to say it probably weighed as much as their car as well, and thus shattered the entire windshield when they crashed into it. Remus will never forget the cold shock of all that glass slicing through his skin, and how many long moments of sheer panic from his mother it took for the pain to set in.
Thankfully, the animal had been coming from the left side of the road, and was only partially in front of their car, so his mother had been mostly unharmed. Remus can still remember watching the beautiful chestnut creature canter off as quickly as it came. He remains hopeful to this day that it had been fine from the collision. Horses were resilient animals, after all.
A couple hundred stitches over numerous parts of his body and a minor reconstructive surgery later, and Remus was left with a permanent reminder of that day. He really didn’t mind the ones on his face much, he felt like he could have been a Clint Eastwood character when he was a child. But he had only ever been fully unclothed in front of a handful of people, and today was not the day that he was going to expand that list for himself.
Remus regarded Sirius in awe as he stripped down to only his pants and launched himself into the pool, executing a perfect dive that landed him on the other side. When he emerged for air, he had a shite-eating grin on his face. Clearly he did not share Remus’s concerns about his own body. And why should he? The planes of his muscles obnoxiously outshone any male beauty standard, and they lay under perfectly unblemished porcelain skin.
“If you two don’t get your arses in here, I’ll just have to drag you in by the heels,” he said, as he swam back over to the side of the pool Remus and Mary were seated at.
Mary giggled that delicate laugh again, “you’re such an idiot.”
“Yeah, but that’s why you love me,” Sirius was now out of the pool and shaking his hair all over her like a wet dog. She was squealing in mock outrage.
Sirius picked Mary up like she weighed a single stone and gently tossed her into the pool before jumping in after her. Their easy banter and playful touches made Remus’s heart clench. He had never been a hopeless romantic, but he had also never had anything like what these two people shared before.
Marlene had been his first and only girlfriend, and a friend for much longer than that. They had a relationship like any two fumbling teenagers, awkward and not quite sure how to go about anything. Marlene had been there for Remus since his accident in primary school, when the other boys in their class began to tease him about his scars.
They hadn’t tried their hand at dating until they were 16, mostly because neither of them had had their first kiss at that point, so they decided to just bite the bullet with each other. Things escalated from there in a not-so-horribly-awkward way as you might expect from being intimate with a close friend. But that was just it, it only ever remained at a level that wasn’t quite awkward, but wasn’t the passionate, fiery sort of love that was always in the stories. The love was there, they cared for each other deeply, just not in a way that was very sustainable.
It had been the month before their final year of school, and Marlene had just returned from her summer holiday which had consisted of a trip to London to attend an art camp in the city. What Remus liked about Marlene was that she was unafraid to explore her own personal style. That summer, she had come back with the tips of her choppy blond hair dyed a bright pink, and three new piercings in her ears. She exuded a coolness that nobody else could quite capture, and she had the personality to back it up.
So, when she had come over to Remus’s house one day fidgeting and avoiding eye contact, he knew something was awry.
“Remus, I… look. There’s something I need to tell you, alright?” She had said when Remus asked her for the fifth time what was wrong.
“Anything. You can always tell me anything, Marls.”
“I dunno, Rem. This one’s, like, probably not something you’re gonna like.”
“Marlene. You’re freaking me out. If you cheated on me just spit it out so we can make up already, ” Remus chuckled but the pained look on Marlene’s face did not falter, “oh… you did. Cheat on me that is. Didn’t you? ”
“No! Well, it wasn’t like that, I swear. Look, I really don’t know how to put this. I… I didn’t realize it about myself until this summer. I always just thought this was how everyone got through life. I wasn’t aware people actually did things about it,” she was beginning to ramble.
“Did things about what?”
“About their feelings towards women! Or men, as a man, if you fancy that. I guess, what I’ve been trying to say is that I think I’m gay… or lesbian, or whatever. I don’t know the correct term for myself yet. If you hate me, that’s… it’s fine. Just please let me figure this out before you tell anybody,” she was wincing as if Remus was about to strike her.
Instead, he softened his gaze and took her into his arms, “oh Marlene. I could never, ever, hate you. I’m glad you figured that out. I’m happy for you,” he hugged her tighter.
He hadn’t realized she’d begun crying until she looked up at him with tear stained cheeks, “you are? I kissed another girl, Remus. Well, she kissed me I suppose. But still, I let it happen even though I’d been dating you.”
“Well, yeah, that kind of stings. God, I was so bad I made you gay, eh?” Remus blew out a long breath, “never met anyone that’s happened to yet.”
She smacked him on the chest, “shut up. You’re lovely, and really, I didn’t fully realize what any of it meant until I met Kayla.”
“Kayla, huh? What’s she do?”
Marlene shrugged, “she was one of the mentors from the university that was volunteering at the camp. She’s only two years older than us, I might go see her again next summer.”
Remus gave a small smile, “really Marls, happy for you. I won’t tell anyone. This can be our secret so long as you want it to be.”
They went back to being friends for their final year of school, but had parted ways the following summer and rarely kept in touch anymore. Truly, there was no bad blood between them, and they still saw each other from time to time, but it was safe to say they didn’t share the same bond they used to as children. Marlene did go on to study art in London, at a different school than Kayla. Last he spoke to Marlene, she had just begun dating another girl she’d met at school. Remus was more than glad it all worked out for one of them.
Remus could go professional at zoning out, and it wasn’t until Lily and James arrived that he blinked out of his stupor. Sirius was giving him a very curious look as he exited the pool for a second time. In a split second, the broad smile was back on his face and he was giving James a friendly pat on the back.
“Bloody well took you long enough!” He said as he grabbed a towel from one of the chairs.
“James insisted on stopping at a farm because they had an advertisement saying you could milk the cows for free,” said Lily, as she set her handbag down and walked over to where Mary was still in the pool. She draped her legs into the water and began talking animatedly with her.
“Eugh, mate, please tell me you washed your hands.”
“Piss off, Black. I’ll make sure to run them all over your face when you’re asleep,” James was stepping closer to Sirius and wiggling his fingers as he continued to back away.
“What’d you do with the milk?” Sirius genuinely seemed a little interested now.
“Used it as petrol for my car.”
“Wanker,” he checked the watch he had placed on his clothes before jumping in the pool, “alright you idiots. Almost time for dinner. Let me show you to your rooms before we have to join the rest of my loving family.”