Chapter Text
We're laughing, and all of the sudden, his lips are on mine. I did not see that coming.
I never do.
I didn't know Linda was coming onto me until she was literally on my lap, and In highschool and college when my friends insisted girls were into me, I could never tell.
I kiss him back. Because that's what you do when someone kisses you. I had imagined this for so long in my time as only-human-on-Erid.
Not Simon. Linda, sometimes. Most of the time it was just the nebulous idea of a human. Holding someone, kissing someone, even having sex with someone. I wasn't even particularly horny, I just missed the contact, and would replay nights with Linda in my head.
Rocky's great, but we can't exist in each-other's atmospheres. He can hug me with his xenonite suit, but it's just not the same as skin-on-skin.
Or lips-on-lips
I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to other men before. But my heart is beating faster and I don't really want it to stop, and I remember watching straight girls in the few college parties I did attend make-out with each other and Simon is warm and he's here and he's human and his hand is on my hip and--
Simon tears himself away from me, shuttering as he breaks the kiss.
“I’m not a sodomite.” He almost shouts at me.
And... I didn't see that coming either.
I had expected a, "Are you into this?" or a,"Lets take it to the bedroom?" or even a, "Oops, shouldn't have done that! Let's forget that happened."
But, "I'm not a sodomite"? I mean... Let's not forget who kissed who here, buddy.
I don't say that. Instead I say,
"I, Um. Yeah. I'm not either...? Gay?"
“You didn't push me off." He accused me.
"Well, I-- That would have been rude." Hold on, why am I defending my actions?
"You kissed me!" I burst.
"I'm sorry. God, I'm so fucking sorry." Simon curls in on himself.
Frick. I've never been good at navigating interpersonal issues.
"No, It's not-- you're fine. I'm not offended."
He doesn't hear me, he's too busy...praying for forgiveness? Should I be offended?
“Hey, Hey.” I try to get his attention again. This time, His eyes snap back to mine. “We're the only humans here. No one is going to judge us for anything we do or don't do, ok? The Eridians don't even have a concept of gender!"
"They other men, In the prison, they were sodomites." Simon whispered.
Great, I've got a homophobic gay man warring with himself over his maybe-feelings for me.
"I don't think I believe in sodomy." I say, because that's what I'm thinking.
Is that culturally insensitive? Who cares! Simon's being culturally insensitive!
"I thought you grew up with the bible?" Simon asked.
"Well, yeah. I did. But I don't-- listen. Jesus seems like a great guy. But I just don't agree with everything the Bible says. I don't think having sex with another man's like, an evil action. I don't know why you kissed me, you're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself, but I'm not the one judging you here. And hey! Didn't Jesus kiss his disciples? Maybe two dudes can smooch without it being sodomy."
I fold my arms together, laughing nervously. I'm arguing on principle now.
"I thought you said to stop comparing you to Jesus." Simon Deadpanned.
"I'm comparing you to Jesus."
I point out, trying to lead us back into our routine banter.
"Is this a fucking joke to you?" Simon drops off his speech, growling in frustration.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
"I don't know what you want from me!" I plead. "You know I joke when I'm uncomfortable, and I'm uncomfortable because you're uncomfortable, and you're uncomfortable because you kissed me, and you don't know why you kissed me! If you don't know why you kissed me, then I don't know why you kissed me, and I don't know how to respond to that, so I just joke, Okay!"
Simon puts his face in his hand.
"Yeah. I know." He says, quieter. "What do you want from me?"
"I want you to not feel like this." I gesture to the general energy in the room.
"When I-- when we-- You didn't stop us. Did you want that?" Simon asks
"I don't know! I didn't not like it."
We sit in silence for probably a full minute before I can't stand it anymore and stand up, dusting off my pants.
"I am going to go on a very long walk, and then to class." I tell him. "I do not feel mad, or sodomitey, so please don't worry, ok?"
I tentatively put a hand on his shoulder, telegraphing the movements so he can see me coming. He swallows, looks away, and nods. So I leave the house.
Have I mentioned that I am not good at this kind of stuff?