Chapter Text
I was not supposed to go that way today.
I know that because I saw the version where I didn’t.
In that one, I stayed near the trees. I sorted the bottles properly. I didn’t rush. Nothing spilled. I didn’t hit anyone.
I didn’t meet her.
I went anyway.
I told myself it was because the plants near the water would wilt if I waited.
That is not true.
They would have been fine.
I just–
I wanted something to be different.
I wasn’t looking up.
That is important.
I need to write that down so I remember that this part is my fault.
I was looking at the satchel, at the way the glass caught the light, at how the water inside one of them had separated into layers (it does that sometimes when I’m not careful with the leaves).
I heard the waterfall.
I did not look at the future.
I did not look at the path.
So I hit her.
It was loud.
It felt loud.
The bottles slipped out of my satchel and hit the ground, and one of them cracked but didn’t break all the way, and I thought that’s going to leak before I thought I just ran into someone.
She stumbled back.
She made a sound, sharp, surprised, and my first thought was that I had hurt her.
My second thought was that I should have seen it.
My third thought was–
This is her.
I dropped to the ground.
I didn’t even think about it, I just started gathering the bottles.
My claws were shaking a little. I tried to make them stop. I didn’t want to look up yet.
If I looked up, I would look too far.
If I looked too far, I would ruin it.
She crouched down too.
That was not in the version I remembered.
Or maybe it was, and I just didn’t pay attention to it.
She started helping.
She didn’t hesitate.
She didn’t even seem to think about it.
that felt important.
I could feel her looking at me.
Not just looking.
Seeing.
There is a difference.
Most dragons look at you like they are placing you somewhere. Safe, unsafe, strange, familiar.
She looked like she was trying to figure out where I already was.
I looked up.
Her eyes are
I don’t know how to write this without it sounding wrong.
They are not bright.
They are not soft.
They are not sharp.
They are
full.
Like there are too many things in them and they are all being held there on purpose.
I said my name wrong.
“Starwatcher. Oh– I mean…”
Why did I do that.
I don’t forget things like that.
Unless..
(unless I am trying to say it in more than one way at once)
I could hear my voice doing that thing again.
The almost-singing.
I hate it when it does that.
It makes everything sound less real.
She said her name.
Clearsight.
I already knew that.
But hearing it felt different.
Like the word settled somewhere instead of just passing through.
She thought–
I am not supposed to write other dragons’ thoughts down.
That feels like stealing.
But this is mine now too because I was there.
So I will write it.
Just once.
Holy mother of moons, this dragon is beautiful.
I did not react.
I am very proud of that.
I have been practicing not reacting.
My wings did not move. My expression did not change. I did not laugh.
I did not–
(my tail moved. I think. a little.)
She reached out.
Claw to claw.
I knew what she was doing.
I knew what would happen.
I saw it.
I saw too much of it.
I still reached back.
That was my fault.
That part is my fault.
I need to be clear about that.
The moment our claws touched, everything..
There are not enough words.
There are too many words.
Rain
laughter
spinning
her claws in mine
stones from the sea
smooth, warm from the sun
I am tying them(? What is them) together wrong and she is laughing at me for it
lightning
too close
too loud
her voice breaking
blood
too much blood
mine
hers
both
my claws over her
my wings over her
something tearing
silver in the red
Stop
I pulled back.
I don’t remember deciding to.
I just wasn’t touching her anymore.
She looked like she was going to fall over.
I reached out again, slower this time.
Careful.
“By the stars, are you alright?”
I tried to make my voice normal.
It wasn’t.
It never is when I’m trying.
She apologized.
Why did she apologize.
She didn’t do anything wrong.
I laughed.
That was also a mistake.
It came out too light.
Too easy.
“Nothing to be embarrassed about, moonbeam.”
I don’t know why I called her that.
I didn’t think it.
She asked if I saw it.
Some of it.
Not all of it.
Not the worst parts.
Not the parts that matter most.
I did not tell her that.
I said:
“Some. Some nicer than others.”
That is true.
It is also not enough of the truth.
She started to leave.
I felt that before she moved.
The futures shifted.
Paths closing.
Paths opening.
I did not like how many of them did not come back to this place.
So I stepped closer.
I didn’t plan that either.
My tail–
I touched her tail.
Lightly.
Like I could keep her there without forcing it.
I would not force it.
I will not.
“Can I see you again?”
That was too direct.
I should not have asked like that.
I should have made it smaller.
Easier to say no to.
She said no.
Not exactly no.
But close enough.
There is another dragon.
I know which one.
I knew before she said it.
I knew before she thought it.
I should have let her go.
I should have said nothing.
That is the version where everything is simpler.
Not better.
Just simpler.
I didn’t.
I told her not to meet him.
That is interference.
That is exactly what I am not supposed to do.
But I also said:
“I know you will anyway.”
Because she will.
Because she always does.
Because she has to see for herself.
I warned her about the seer class.
That one is easy.
That one is safe to change.
That dragon is trouble in every version.
I walked away.
I did not look back.
If I looked back, I would stay.
If I stayed, I would try to fix it.
If I tried to fix it (no)
My chest felt..
strange
after
Like something had already happened and I was late to understanding it.
I looked at the future when I got back.
I shouldn’t have.
I did.
There are so many versions of her.
Of us.
Of what we could be.
Some of them are
soft
warm
quiet
a house on the mountain
tea cooling between us
her leaning into me like it is natural
Some of them are not.
I am writing this so I remember:
I am not supposed to choose for her.
I am not supposed to decide which future she gets.
Even if I know which ones hurt.
Even if I know which ones…
I want.
I will see her tomorrow.
That is already decided in most of them.
Not all.
But most.
I will try not to look.
I will try to let it be real.
she felt like something I am going to lose if I am not careful
I do not know how to be careful yet