Archive of Our Own

The start of a new life is supposed to feel like something special. The hum of a new song. The first shot in a new movie. It's supposed to be exciting. Breathtaking. Johnny should feel different.

Be different.

And yet here he was the same as ever. Sore and stuck on a bed. Though his bed was softer than any of the hospital beds were. 

He feels the pain in his gut this time instead of his back. Was that different enough to matter?

He and the twins got the clear from their first doctor's visit. Naturally it had to wait until the snow had melted enough to free them. They couldn't even see the pediatrician Gyro had initially recommended. But someone was better than seeing no one, according to him. 

The doctor hardly looked at Johnny. Focused on Bianca and Janara. They found out the alignments. Omega and alpha as Gyro expected. Though their manifest was a long long time away. Even that hospital visit felt like a long long time away now. Even though it was only hours ago.

Gyro came home with him. And yet Johnny hasn’t seen him.

Hardly even saw him during the appointment as well. He was focused. Using his medical knowledge with the doctor. Moving the babies around. He was even in charge of their double stroller. Another new addition to their life. Having twins meant a lot of the preparation they thought they had was suddenly out of the window. The single strollers. The single high chairs. All useless now.

Johnny sighs. They’re not the only useless thing here. He glances to the hallway. He still hasn’t seen Gyro. If he had to guess he was with the babies. For some reason. They weren’t making any noise. And it’s been hours. And Johnny still hasn’t seen his mate.

Johnny grits his teeth. He should rest. So the pain leaves. If it ever does. Wasn’t it supposed to end with the kids out of him? His nethers still felt puffy and sore. He bled horrifyingly now. Had to wear liners. Like he was back in the hospital when he got shot. Stuck humiliatingly on a bedpan. But Gyro told him the bleeding was usual. Happened to every oma. It’d pass. Everything would just simply pass. Gyro always acted like it was so simple.

Simple enough he didn’t have to be with Johnny for it.

Johnny runs a hand tightly through his hair. Lets his nails rake against his scalp. Not even the sting lasts for more than a second. 

This was supposed to be the start of a happily ever after.

So why wasn’t he happy?

--

Johnny’s grateful for the rocking chair. He wasn’t some old grandmi. He even came with his own chair. But the cushions on his back. The gentle motion. It all soothed his aches for just a moment.

It just so happened that the rocking chair was in the nursery. Where Johnny had also been for the past hour. Perhaps more. It was harder to keep track of time now that he was off work. Gyro had gone back to work with the promise it would only be for a short while. He was supposed to get off weeks from now, after all. Back when the twins were supposed to be born.

Not that they even knew the twins were actually twins at that—

“Waaaaah!”

The piercing wail strikes Johnny right in the temples, causing him to jolt upright fast enough to pinch his back.

“Fuck. What now?”

Bianca doesn’t answer, instead flailing wildly enough to smack the sides of her small crib. Knocking Janara’s own crib and causing Janara to echo her wails.

Johnny puts his hands over his ears with a grimace. “Come on. You’re pissing your sister off too.”

Bianca’s only response is harsher cries. Kicking aggressively at the air as her face turns redder.

Johnny glances to the hall.

Now when the kids actually needs him, Gyro isn’t here. Of course. Course not.

“Aaaa!”

“Give me a second.” Johnny flails around for his chair and puts himself in it. The cries continue to drone on and on. Unchanging in pitch or volume. Doubled over like a broken record. “Give me a second!”

Johnny huffs, rolling to the edge of the shared crib. Hardly a crib. It was actually two changing stations they were using for now. Like everything else the crib wasn’t ready.

“Ah!” Johnny jolts as his chest is bit into. “Not so fucking rough.”

Bianca continues to gnaw at the side of his chest, causing milk to leak but get nowhere to her actual mouth.

“Quit it. Let me.”

“Aaaa!”

“Just get over it,” Johnny snaps, grabbing Janara’s kicking leg before she can shake the crib. He shrugs Bianca off so he can twist and actually shove his nipple in her mouth instead.

Bianca clamps down harshly again.

“You already got it.” Johnny whimpers. She’s so little, how could she be applying this much force? Johnny dealt with much worse from her apa. That felt good. This sure as hell doesn’t.

Janara starts to kick at his hand with her free foot. Her cries have gotten lower though she’s taken to whining now. Wordless complaints. So many complaints.

Bianca detaches, mouth scrunching as she sputters.

“Finally.” Johnny takes his hand off Janara to put Bianca back in her crib. Great. 

He picks Janara up with a long shhh. She clings and kicks his stomach.

“Careful.” Johnny holds her out, supporting her head as he tries to lay her down instead. Maybe she was hungry too? It worked for—

“Wa wa wah!” 

“Fuck!” Johnny grips the ends of his hair. It was neverending. “I’m fucking trying! You know I'm trying!”

They don’t answer. They can’t answer. They can only cry. Fuss. They’re only miserable. Miserable little babies.

His babies. He’s supposed to be fixing this. Stopping it. That’s his job. Not theirs.

“You don’t know anything.” He picks Janara up. She’s cold. He finds the onesie shoved to the side just where he put it. He starts to squeeze her back into it. “I’m sorry.”

What was he doing? He was ruining this. Ruining them. Just as he’s been ruined by his own parents. How could he ever think he could be better than them?

Johnny’s face burns with tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he mutters over and over as he lets his body take over the motions. They needed to be fed. Cleaned. Something will fix this. He can still fix it.

It’ll stop, won’t it? 

Eventually it’ll stop. 

It has to stop.

--

Sleep hardly came anymore. Taken like minor victories between feedings. And changings. And baths.

Johnny hardly knew he was asleep at all until he woke up to the sound of his mate’s voice. 

Gyro hums a foreign tune as he bounces. Bianca? No. That's Janara. Bounces Janara in his arms.

“You're home.” Johnny sighs, rubbing his eyes. His limbs feel so heavy. How much did he sleep? Felt like a single blink. Less than that even.

“Good morning, Oma.” Gyro smiles. At the baby though, his body turning to face Johnny. “It won't be much longer. Everyone at the hospital asks about them. We need to get more pictures.”

Johnny grimaces at himself. He was sure no looker right now. This shirt was days old at the least. His hair uncombed. “You do it.”

“I was setting up Jana for one.”

“Who?”

“Jana.” Gyro lifts her up enough to kiss her cheek. She grunts. “I took a few of Bibi while you were sleeping.”

Bibi had to be the other one. Who was currently not in the living room but thankfully quiet. He hopes.

“So you named them,” Johnny points an accusatory finger. “And you don't even want to use those names? Told you you'd suck.”

“They're good names.” Gyro pouts. “Come on, tell Oma.”

Gyro leans towards Johnny holding Jana. Johnny stiffens, hands bunched together. His sore back muscles tightening.

“Oma oma,” Gyro singsongs, pushing her close and closer.

Johnny’s shoulders raise, hair raising at the back of neck. He stiffly lifts his hands just enough to take her in them. She's heavy. “Hm.”

“I'll get Bibi and then we can get a picture with them both.”

Johnny shrinks back. “Not with me. I look like shit.”

“Nonsense.”

“Don't.” And he's gone. Already out of the room. Damn it. Johnny stares down at the bundle in his arms. Not crying yet. Jana squirms still, huffing up and getting ready for it. Ugh. Why did he wake up? 

Maybe if he just rests his eyes a moment longer…

“Carino,” Gyro singsongs.

Johnny blinks open an eye. Jana was still in his arms. Mirroring her sister who was being held by Gyro as he comes back into the living room. Gyro wastes no time in closing the gap and shoving Bibi into Johnny's arms. They're both heavy. They squirm. They kick. Johnny's lips draw in a thin line. 

“You took it?” Johnny grumbles.

“I don't even have my phone out.” Gyro waves a hand. “Ah. They're so little.”

“To you maybe.”

“Little like Oma.” Gyro leans into their faces. Jana's eyes widen before she starts to whine. 

Great. Just like he thought. 

“So much for your picture,” Johnny huffs. A sick sense of satisfaction in the venom laced within the words. 

“She just wants some kisses. Right?” Gyro doesn't wait for an answer, instead diving to kiss Jana's cheeks and forehead.

Her eyes widen and she wiggles more. No more noise. What? Could she always do that?

Johnny's chest tightens. Why did Johnny never get that reaction?

Gyro laughs. The same melody that Johnny has loved now hangs over his head like the studio audience of a bad sitcom. 

“Okay. Pictures.” Gyro takes out his phone.

“You hold them. I'll take it.”

“I get to see my handsome face every day. I need a little something for work.”

“Thought this was for your coworkers.”

“A bird and a stone right?”

“Two birds.”

“Just like our two babies.” Gyro straightens up, phone already glaring a spotlight down on Johnny.

Johnny grits his teeth and tries to straighten up. His grip tightens.

“Aaa aa”

Johnny cringes. Bibi this time.

Gyro lowers his phone. The only saving grace to the piercing cry.

“Just cause they're as cute as teddies doesn't mean we can squeeze them like one, caro.” Gyro tugs Johnny's hand. 

Johnny loosens up with a low grunt. It's not returned by the babies. Instead Bibi continues to huff and wiggle.

“I've got her.” Gyro snatches Bibi up. Johnny sighs in relief. “You know what? You're right.”

“That's a first.”

“We can all be in the picture.”

Of course it was just set up for a joke. That's not even what Johnny said anyway. Not that it stops Gyro from sitting beside Johnny and flipping the phone around. 

Johnny tries not to stare at his own disheveled reflection. At the children taking up so much of the frame. While Johnny was barely there. Tries not to point out the gap between Gyro and himself. 

“Cheese!” Gyro cries out, filled with a gusto Johnny can hardly even understand.

And all Johnny does is mime a small,

“Cheese.”

--

Johnny was a hard worker. He had a drive. A need to accomplish whatever goal he set.

It was who he was before he was forced out of jockeying. It was who he was during pregnancy.

It is who he still is.

That's what he tells himself as he pulls on a mask and gloves. Today he’d straighten up this pig sty. The house was littered with the remnants of the twins. Tied up garbage bags. Cups. Baby toys. Onesies and blankets. For two creatures so small they somehow took up so much of the house.

He starts by tossing the bathroom trash into the larger trash in the kitchen. By where the kids were stationed. They were both inside their new crib which had wheels. Just like Johnny.

So far they haven't seemed to notice Johnny's presence. They've been quiet since Johnny rolled them out of the nursery. Nursery was next of course. It got as filthy as the twins did.

Johnny tried to speed off as fast as possible before they could make eye contact. His wheels jerk and he stumbles but doesn't fall.

What now?

Johnny twists until he can spot a towel piled up on the floor. When the hell?

Johnny rolls back until he jams against the kitchen counter. A cup bounces off and lands on the ground with a hollow twang.

Johnny can't even remember the last time he drank much less from a cup like that. Was it Gyro's? Who knows. He hasn't seen Gyro in a day at the least. Probably more. 

Johnny leans down and picks up the cup. He should do the dishes since he was here. How was there this many? The babies didn't use any dishes. Johnny ate at…some point today. Or was it yesterday?

The scalding water seeps into Johnny's gloves. So he tosses them off. He could get a new pair when he went back to trash. Now he could focus on the dish in hands. Scrubbing. And rinsing.

And there's still a stain.

Johnny glances behind himself. Jana stares through the side of the crib. Surely she didn't see him right?

“Waaaa”

They've got to be kidding. Did he stay in sight for too long?

Johnny snaps off his mask with a sigh. Not like it would help now that they spotted him. He tugs and tugs until the towel finally is out from his wheels and he can roll towards the twins again.

Jana's lip wobbles with her whines. That usually meant her stomach was bothering her. Johnny's sure he burped her this time. He tapped until his arms started to ache. He's sure he heard her.

Johnny picks Jana up and settles her against his shoulder. She was left sore and squirmy again. Why couldn't Johnny just do it right the first time? He was trying. What was he doing wrong? He even watched videos about it. 

Jana continues to fuss in his ear. Little hands trying to rip at his shoulder to no avail.

It wasn't hard. Come on Johnny. He's the determined, unstoppable Joekid. He taps and taps away.

She squirms. And whines. And kicks. And not a single burp.

His arm was still aching from before. He didn't have time for this. He starts to lower her back into—

“Urp”

Johnny jolts. What? It worked. She did it. By herself. He sighs. He might as well have not bothered picking her up. He only made it worse before she got it. He settles her down back in the crib.

She continues to stare up at him. Of course it was written on her face. What a fuck up he was. He couldn’t even settle her for a moment. She had to do it by herself. She wasn’t even two months yet.

Bibi gurgles unintelligibly. She’s finally noticed his presence as well. He’s glad he can’t understand them. He doesn’t know what they’d say. 

But he knows whatever insults they had for him, he’d deserve it.

--

"I'm home," Gyro had declared one evening. 

There was a finality to it. It wasn't his usual tired greeting. Not a quick word between a scurry to the nursery.

Tonight it was a declaration. A prayer almost.

"Sure are,” Johnny grumbles in reply. There wasn't much more to say.

Johnny has been home the whole time. He saved up a lot of off time in preparation for the baby. Now babies. Even though he had to leave earlier he still had more than enough to go. He texted his coworker at one point while they were snowed in. Texted his boss another. And that was it. And now he's been home for...

Well it had to be weeks at the least. That was the whole reason why Gyro had to work. 

"They should have been born now,” Johnny adds on as Gyro strides over.

Gyro leans down with a wrist extended. One Johnny leans into until it meets the back of the baby Johnny was feeding. Bibi squirms in response.

"It's better weather to be born in."

"Still cold."

Gyro shrugs. "She's been up long?" 

"Both of them."

"They'll sleep good tonight." 

When do they ever? Johnny didn't ever properly settle them. He's tried feeding and changing. Even a swaddle. They always woke up in the middle of the night. 

Bibi detaches and gropes around, grunting.

"Got you." Gyro snatches her up before Johnny can push his shirt back down. Gyro taps at her back while singing his words. "Apa's home. Apa's here."

She wiggles before letting out a belch. 

"Woah. Where'd she get those lungs from?" Gyro laughs. 

"Yer the loud one." 

"I don't know... I've heard you in heat."

Johnny scoffs. "No, you don't. Get heatdrunk when I'm barely in it."

"The mind forgets but the body always remembers.” Gyro winks and spins on a heel. "Let's go get changed, Bibi. And we can make some dinner. And dance the whole night away, huh?"

Bibi clutches Gyro's jaw and chin. Her eyes so big and sparkling. Looking at her apa with childish affection.

Johnny's heart drops in his chest. He can't stand to look anymore. And by the time he opens his eyes they’re both gone. Leaving Johnny stranded in the living room alone. Fiddling with his shirt sleeves and glancing around the house like it was his first time here. Now what?

“Aaa Aaah”

Right on cue. Before Johnny could even think he got his answer. He gets off and rolls to the nursery where Jana was inside her crib. She was chewing rather aggressively at the pacifier Johnny had given her. Surely her teeth couldn’t be coming in already. But she was an alpha.

“Teething?”

Johnny jolts backward, smacking into Gyro.

“My younger brothers teethed young. Hadrian was practically born with his canines bursting.” Gyro leans down with a sympathetic tsk. He picks Jana up in his arms.

“Wh—“ Johnny looks around wildly. “Where’s the other?”

“Bibi’s in the rocker.”

Johnny frowns. She hates the rocker. Surely she’ll start fussing soon. Johnny starts to roll away when he’s stopped by a foot extended in front of his chair.

“Don’t run me over.”

“Don’t put your feet there.” Johnny tsks.

"I said I got them. You can relax now. You spend all day taking care of them." Gyro leans his head against Johnny's for just a moment. It wasn't quite a scenting but it was the closest Johnny's got since Gyro went back to work. 

Johnny bites his lip. He’s hardly done anything. Bare minimum. Feeding. Changing. Making sure they’re breathing during their naps.

“I’m gonna take them out on the porch. Caged of course. You animals don’t get a chance to run quite yet.” Gyro baby talks to Jana, pretending to bite her until she grunts a sound that's almost a laugh. It’s echoed by Gyro’s own laughter as he carries her out of the room without another glance.

For the second time today. Johnny was alone. Did Gyro want to get away that badly?

Johnny was hardly ever alone. Even at work. He worked with a lot of people. You would think event planning was easy. Everyone's thrown a party before. But somehow Johnny found himself running around far more than he ever did in his racing days. He was lucky to have good coworkers like HP to help him through the rush and last minute cancellations and bookings and.

Just thinking of it made Johnny tired. He’s been gone from that life for ages now. Hard to even think that one day he would have to go back. Mr. Steel was incredibly generous with the paternity leave he gave Johnny but he had said how he looked forward to Johnny coming back. HP said something similar. Maybe.

Johnny rolls to his window. It was odd. He lived only a few doors down from HP. Yet he can’t even remember the last time he saw her. Surely she was making those same commutes they made together.

He leans on the windowsill, staring into the wide opens of the neighborhood. Streets and houses he’s grown familiar with after living with Gyro this long. He places a hand to the cool glass. There’s no snow anymore but it still feels like ice under his fingertips.

He shakes his head. He’s not some neighborhood stalker. He’s got a break. Can’t hear the girls. Or they’re far enough away that he can’t. Sure enough the rocker that was in the living room was missing. Was that really stable enough for outside? Maybe Johnny should…

No. No no. Gyro insisted on taking the girls. They were better off with him. They didn’t cry and fuss as much.

There were some toys scattered on the couch. Johnny can just clean that up. The couch arm opened with a compartment just big enough to shove them inside. Oh. The remote’s here too. Well…Johnny is supposed to be relaxing, isn’t he? He barely watches anything anymore. He’s tried putting on baby shows for the gals but they’re all so overly energetic and kiddy and bubbly. Just annoying. Now he can watch what he wants. And so he puts on a classic. Good old football. How can you go wrong with that? It was in the middle of the game. What matters was the score. 

Pretty standstill game.

He doesn’t recognize the teams anyway. Was this college football? It was the off season. This isn’t really worth it then. A good action movie’s gotta be the key.

Once again Johnny’s at least 15 minutes late to the start but who cares? The real draw is the shit exploding and guns and whatever the fuck’s going on.

He leans on his arms. He’s getting sore sitting like this. Might as well lay down.

A loud explosion on the TV has him jolt and smack his chin into the arm of the couch. Shit. Okay. Maybe a little too intense. There’s hundreds of movies out there. Johnny just needs to switch the channel until he gets something else. 

Johnny pulls out his phone. No notifications like usual. Thank god. Johnny’s too busy for himself much less anyone else. Hm. Wasn’t there that video he wanted to watch? Some DIY thing for the kids. He’s here. And the movies are pretty slow. Not like he’s missing much. He can keep glancing from one to the other. Adjusting his position. And switching through channels when the movie starts to drag a little too long.

“We’re back!”

Johnny sits up, rubbing his bleary eyes. “That didn’t take long.”

“We were gone all day, nyoho,” Gyro chuckles, strolling the kids back inside.

Huh. That’s the front door. And the stroller. When did? Wait. When was it that dark outside?

Johnny flips to the home screen of his phone.

No.

No it couldn’t possibly be evening already. That would mean he was here in the living room the whole time. 

He’d done nothing but rot here. For hours.

Didn’t get any laundry done. No dishes. No dinner. Laid here as useless as the pillows on the couch. Fuck. Even worse than that. At least the pillows added some comfort.

“They fell asleep in the stroller.” Gyro gestures to the girls who were dozing away. “I’m gonna change.”

Gyro starts to strip off his layers.

Johnny wasn’t alone anymore.

And he’s not sure which is worse.

--

A deep sigh echoes throughout the room.

Johnny was never noisy before pregnancy. He liked a bit of silence. Sometimes not saying anything actually said it all.

Yet ever since he got pregnant he finds himself sighing and huffing and humming at every slight thing. Maybe it's the pains that push him to it. Some primal instinct to release it with a scream that never quite gets started. Or maybe he was just tired. Or maybe it was nothing at all. He doesn't have the time to think about it anyway. 

Laundry was piling. As was garbage. And dishes. But today Johnny would focus on laundry. He could get that done. He had to at least still be capable of that. 

The babies have their own pile now. Gathered up from the huge mass Johnny had shoved in the washer and dryer and taken out. 

They weren't even half his size yet and somehow their pile doubled his own.

The weather was finally starting to heat up. Enough for Johnny to leave the window open and get some bits of sun.

Even that got complaints from the peanut gallery as Bibi starts to kick the sides of her crib. Johnny tsks. He fed her recently. She probably was just upset looking at him. When he’s done with laundry he’ll get out and leave them be.

Jana starts to whine, flailing her covered arms. How’d she get out of the swaddle? Damn it. They’re getting too big too fast.

Johnny leaves the laundry aside as he rolls to their cribs.

As soon as they see him it’s over. What was just whines quickly becomes full blown screams and cries accompanied by kicks and bangs against the crib.

Their screeching echoed over each other to a hellish tune.

He puts his hand over his ears. The headache he was trying to ignore now starts to radiate with throbs. If he waits long enough they’ll stop. They have to get tired of it. They always calm down enough eventually. Just—

“Johnny!” Gyro yanks Johnny’s arm. His brows furrowed. “What happened?”

Johnny’s blood runs cold. He completely forgot Gyro was here. That Gyro's been back for a week at least. Maybe more. Time got muddied together between all the changing and feedings. “I…”

“Are you hurt?”

“No.”

“What happened to the girls?”

“I don’t know.”

Gyro puts a hand over Jana and frowns. “Fuck. She’s burning up. Why is she bundled up this tight?”

Johnny’s stomach sinks. “She was fussing.”

Gyro yanks the swaddle off, patting her back. “Apa’s got you. You’re okay.”

She sure doesn’t sound it as she continues to cry and claw at Gyro in response. Her eyes scrunched with fat globs of tears.

“Bibi,” Gyro says.

“Huh?”

“Bibi’s crying too.”

“Yeah.” Johnny glances at her. Was she hot too? He slowly leans in but it only makes her cries even worse.

Gyro snaps something in Italian before he heads to the window and shuts it with a click that reverberates in Johnny’s head. “They’re too young to sweat properly.”

Johnny lifts Bibi up. She kicks him over and over as Johnny checks her onesie. She didn’t feel hot to him. He did have a short sleeve onesie around somewhere in the laundry pile.

Gyro frowns as he paces back and forth, continuing to bounce Jana as she fusses. His lip sticking out.

Johnny has to wait for a gap in the rhythm to make it to the nursery chair where he can change Bibi. Her fussing continues until she’s in nothing but her diaper. She didn’t feel any different. How’d Gyro tell?

Johnny changes her anyway and sets her back into the crib. She doesn’t cry this time though—she still had the remnants of her sobs streaked against her fat cheeks. Johnny flicks them away with a grimace. “There. Better.”

Gyro doesn’t respond. Even though Jana was quiet too. Still continuing to pace and glare into nothing.

“They stopped. You can get back to…” What was Gyro doing anyway? “It’s fine now.”

“Something’s wrong.”

“What? They’re babies. They’re gonna cry.”

Gyro shortstops. He rubs Jana’s back over and over. It’s familiar. The same nervous way Gyro would trace the star birthmark on Johnny’s back when they laid together in bed. That felt like ages ago now. “Johnny, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. They were hot. They’re not—“

“Not them. You. What’s wrong with you?”

Johnny’s lip wobbles. “Huh?”

“I’ve been watching you. Watching them. Since I got back. Honestly even before then. You only hold them when you’re feeding. Never talk to them.” Gyro adjusts Jana to face Johnny. Johnny shirks back. Gyro’s words were too imposing on their own. “You can hardly look at them. You wanted this Johnny. We wanted this. What’s gotten into you?”

Johnny’s stomach twists. He can’t say. Was it his upbringing that made him so terrible at this? Never had a good father to replicate. Was it his oma’s neglect that caused his own? Or was it just Johnny? Johnny who was never really meant for this. Just like every other dream he and it was always meant to crash and burn around him. “I…don’t know.”

Gyro tsks. “You can’t keep ignoring them. They need their oma.”

“I’m not ignoring them.” Johnny’s hands ball into fists. “I spend every fucking second of the day dealing with them.”

“Dealing with them? They’re your kids. This isn’t a job.”

Johnny huffs. That’s rich coming from him. He just strides in like he knows everything. Like it’s all so easy. Like every time he just snaps his fingers the kids are falling over with adoration. Settled by nothing more than his touch. “Then what the fuck is this? Huh? You said it yourself. They’re babies. They can’t do shit on their own.”

“You should love taking care of them. You should want to make them happy.”

“Of course I want them to be happy! That’s all I want. But they’re not. They’re fucking miserable.”

Gyro sneers. “Are they? Or are you?”

Johnny’s eyes burn. He takes in shaky breaths. “I don’t need this.”

He turns and rolls out into the hallway. Puts a hand to the wall as he sucks in tight breaths so he doesn’t sob.

He doesn’t hear Gyro. Doesn’t feel a comforting hand on his back.

He’s away from the crying. From the fussing. From the endless chores.

So why doesn’t he feel any better?

--

Sticky.

Johnny wakes up tired. Wakes up sore. And wakes up, oddly enough, sticky.

His breath comes in shallowly as he blinks into darkness. He feels a heavy weight atop him. Gyro was squishing him. Something that would normally be a comfort. Now it only makes the persistent sores sting with every shaky breath. Reminds him of the argument he had with Gyro not so long ago. Maybe this was Gyro’s way of getting back at him.

Johnny clutches the sheets like a lifeline as he crawls out from under Gyro. Gyro grumbles in his sleep. Italian like always. He starts to grope around until Johnny rolls fully off the bed, landing onto the floor with a soft thud that radiates from his hips to his chest. Gyro grunts but stays asleep.

Johnny wipes off his forehead with a sigh. He cringes as he pulls back and spots his own hand in the darkness. A layer of sweat and potential grime was over it. Probably over his entire body. No wonder he was so uncomfortable. And itchy. He can’t go back to bed like this. He’s lucky his chair isn’t too far from the bed. Even crawling to it causes a throb that has him debating whether curling into a ball on the floor and just rotting there would be better.

While his arms still protest, the rest of him can simply rest in the chair as he propels himself towards the bathroom.

It’s dark inside here except for a light connected to the mirror that Johnny taps. A warm soft light emits from the mirror alone. Doesn’t hurt his bleary eyes the same way the overhead light would. That’s why Gyro insisted on it when they were remodeling the bathroom. Johnny called it ridiculous back then. And he’s right. It is ridiculous…and useful.

The mirror reveals the same truths he already felt. He looks greasy. Sweaty. Unbrushed hair and stained clothes. He was leaking from his chest again. He spent all day feeding the twins. How was that not enough?

His hand rests on the porcelain of the tub. He hardly ever took proper long showers. Some days he forgoes it entirely. It’s disgusting. He knows that. It’s not like he wants to roll around in filth, but when was he going to have the time for that? Someone had to feed the kids. Had to cook. Had to clean. And those times Johnny had nothing to do were the precious moments he got to sleep away the persistent aches. 

He turns on the sink instead. Leans in to splash the cold water over his face with a shiver. It drips from his chin to his throat and down his shirt. It was stained anyway. Had to come off as well. Johnny might as well wipe down what he can while the girls are still quiet and Gyro is asleep.

Johnny grimaces. Puts a hand over his newly exposed stomach. How was he still this bloated? It had been weeks. It's called baby fat. It's supposed to leave with them, ain't it? 

Maybe it's a good thing Johnny can barely get a meal together. That would have to shave off the extra weight. 

He can’t wipe away the weight but he can wipe away the spilt milk gathered over his chest. He takes the movements slow. Sucks in a breath to not flinch from the stings. 

By the time Johnny’s done he’s no longer sticky but he is damp. Feels a waste to use a good towel on himself when he did a sponge bath. Less than that even. He settles for a hand towel.

Which is suddenly stained with milk as soon as he passes over his chest. Dear god. When did it end?

No point in wearing a new shirt and ruining that too. He keeps his gaze firmly up as he rolls out into the hallway. It was the privacy of his own home. He had every right to be shirtless here. But his hands still twitched to cover himself. 

With the dirty clothes tossed into a hamper he should try and rest while he still can. Instead he found himself going to the same place he finds himself nearly every night. Into the nursery. He’s not sure what he does here. What he’s looking for. He typically just stares at the twins sleeping. 

Which they weren’t doing now. Bibi chews on her pacifier, her chubby palm rubbing over her own cheek. 

Awake and quiet. That never happened. Surely it wouldn’t last. As soon as the pacifier fell out it would be over. And their noise was sure to get Gyro up as well. That was the last person he wanted to talk to. Gyro hadn’t spoken to Johnny after Johnny left but Johnny could feel it. The disgust and anger Gyro had with him. It weighed heavier than Gyro’s body against Johnny did.

He was still leaking anyway. Would waste another shirt like this if he didn’t get the milk out.

Johnny leans in, picking Bibi up. She kicks and squirms. Sure enough the pacifier falls out and she starts to grunt and bat Johnny in annoyance.

She only stops smacking when her mouth finally finds Johnny’s chest and she latches on with a punishing grip.

All the gnawing left Johnny’s skin sore. Just as it was during pregnancy, but this time getting rid of the milk didn’t help. He was chewed up like an old piece of gum. Gum was all the babies had at this point too. He shudders to even think of what he’ll do by the time their teeth came in.

Bibi palms his chest, pressing in to squeeze out more before she even had her fill. There’s only a small relief in not being so full. One quickly outweighed as she bites down harder. Like Johnny’s own skin was in the way of her real goal. She was an omega like him. Weren’t they supposed to be less aggressive?

She huffs and pats before pulling away and snuffling. Her eyes catch his own. Staring and staring. No bright smiles and wiggled fingers. Just blank. They'd never look at Gyro with such coldness. Contempt almost. They could just sense that whatever Johnny tried, he'd fuck it up. 

Johnny’s hands shudder with her weight. 

He wants to love them like Gyro does. So effortlessly. It wasn’t fair. Neither of them had done this before. Why was it so easy for Gyro? Why did it have to be hard for him?

His eyes blur with tears. Distorts the cold gaze of his daughter but he can still feel it. He never stopped feeling it. Not since they were born. 

He hiccups with sobs as he rubs his face against her, scenting her. Though his scent is diluted with his own tears. She holds his face in turn. Cooing as she does. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice is strained. Words choked out between sobs.

He is sorry. 

But can he ever be forgiven?

--

The house had become a labyrinth. Endless halls and rooms which Johnny traversed. They all blended together. He should have listened to Gyro’s wilder interior decoration advice.

Now here he was. Like a rat in a maze. Looking for the faint smell of cheese. And speaking of cheese, he could smell something cooking in the kitchen. A quick roll into it showed him that his nose hasn’t started failing on him yet. And it’s only then that his brain catches up to the rest of him.

Of course if he wasn’t the one cooking then that only left Gyro.

They hardly shared schedules, much less meals together. With Johnny hardly sleeping through the night and taking small naps when his body couldn’t take the pain anymore. So it was the first time in a while that Johnny had actually caught any hint of Gyro’s food before it became cold leftovers stuffed in the fridge.

“Amore.”

Johnny ducks timidly at the familiar nickname. “Hm.”

“Hungry?”

“No.”

“You have to be.” Gyro starts plating some of it. “I’m going to eat.”

“...Someone has to watch the girls.”

“They’re sleeping.” Gyro walks over, finished plate in hand. It was some kind of lamb over rice with a yogurt sauce. A familiar scent and mash. Johnny’s had this before. What did Gyro call it again? “Nyoho. You’re salivating.”

“Am not.”

Gyro pushes it into Johnny’s hands. Johnny’s not just going to let it fall. And it did smell good. Gyro said the kids were asleep? How long would that last? Maybe he’s better off getting a bite while he can.

Gyro sits at their sorry excuse for a dining room table. It was so small it could only fit the two of them. Even then they often had their plates and cups clinking into each other if they weren’t careful. 

But Johnny didn’t want to just rest the food in his lap the whole time, so there it had to be.

Gyro shuffles the grains back and forth, mixing the sauce into the plate. “Good?”

Johnny hasn’t even taken a bite yet. He does so and sighs. Now he remembers. Gyro had made this for him before. It was ages ago. During pregnancy. He could hardly keep anything down those first few months. Gyro tried every combination of things he could think of. Somehow this one worked. He remembered how Gyro shouted relief. Made a huge batch of it for Johnny to take. And then how he grumbled because Gyro got sick of his own food. He promised to buy the both of them some absolutely terrible fast food when Johnny wasn’t pregnant anymore.

Yet here they are. Eating the food once more.

“Do you remember this? I made it for you in the first trimester.” Gyro takes small bites.

Johnny nods. “Was just thinking of that. Don’t you hate this?”

“I don’t hate it. It’s good. I liked cooking for you all the time… I wanna do that again.” 

“You’re gonna be sick of your own cooking again.”

Gyro stabs into some bits of lamb over and over. “And I want to eat with you again.”

Johnny squints. “Okay. Whatever.”

“I want to go to bed with you beside me.”

Johnny’s shoulders raise. “What's this about?”

“I know you’ve been avoiding me.”

Johnny scoffs, looking down at his plate. “Hard to avoid someone I live with.”

“Yet you manage it.”

“Fine.” Johnny takes a sharp bite. “I’ll eat with you. And whatever.”

Gyro frowns, setting the fork down. “Johnny. It’s more than that.”

“Not this again.” Johnny holds his head. It starts to pinch. His stomach clenches. He’s not so hungry again. “You’ve said your piece. Alright. I get it. I fucked up. I’m a fuck up. What do you want from me?”

“No you’re not.” Gyro sighs. “That’s what this is about. You’re struggling with…something. So I. I got you something.”

Gyro reaches into his pocket, taking out a small box that he tosses to Johnny. Johnny has half a mind to just let it bounce onto the floor but his instinct is faster than him and he catches it. Sure enough he can see a pair of noise cancelling wireless headphones. A light blue like he likes to wear on his nails. 

“What?” Johnny lifts the box. “I’m hardly on my phone. And when I am I sure as hell don’t need this.”

“It’s not for that. Well. It is. But the point of it is so you…don’t have to hear the girls crying anymore.”

Johnny’s heart sinks. “What the fuck are you trying to imply?”

Gyro shakes his head and rummages through his other pocket.

“The keen. I’ve heard it before. It's impossible to avoid it working in the ER. It’s the worst sound in the world. Gets into my head and makes me sick. But I’d never turn down helping an omega. The only way to stop it is with this.” Gyro produces two small spongy buds. Johnny may not have ever worn them but they're obvious what they are just from the shape of them.

“My folks didn’t need some damn cotton in their ears to deal with their kids. You don’t need it.” 

“Sometimes you need a tool. Like your chair.”

Johnny snaps the earbuds on the table. “You really think I can’t handle my own kids?”

“No. It’s the opposite. I’ve seen how much you want to.” Gyro rubs his neck. “You go into the nursery every night. Holding them and whispering to them. You love them.”

Johnny’s eyes widen. Gyro saw? When? He’s been asleep all those times. Wasn’t he?

“Don’t run.” Gyro says right as Johnny puts his hands over his wheels. “I admit. I was. I was scared. When I was watching you. Before. It’s why I snapped. I’m a nurse. I know things, I see things. I could tell something was off. That you couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t figure out why. Honestly…I still don’t know exactly what’s wrong but if we never do anything then it’ll never get better.”

“And you think some earbuds are gonna make me a good oma?” Johnny hangs his head.

“You’re an amazing oma.”

Johnny’s eyes burn. Lips wobble. “Fuck off.”

Gyro’s hand is over his before he can raise it to wipe away his bleary eyes. Soft lips meet his own. For just the smallest moment before Gyro pulls away to speak. “You’re a wonderful mate. And a great oma. You just need help, Johnny. You know it too.”

Johnny takes in a shuddering breath.

It wasn’t fair.

It really wasn’t.

All that he’s been doing. How was that not enough? 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Johnny chokes out in a sob. “I don’t. I don’t think I can do it, Gyro. The girls hate me. You can barely look at me.”

“All I do is watch you. And the girls? They love you. Are you kidding? All they want is their oma. Don’t you see the way they try to climb all over you? And Bibi. Oh my god. As soon as I even mention you she just lights up.”

Johnny shakes his head. He only gets through two shakes before Gyro grabs his head and forces it still.

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head either. But one thing I do know about medical problems is that there’s a solution. And we’re gonna find it. You don’t have to do this alone. You shouldn’t. I’m your mate.”

“You don’t need me to take care of them. It’s so easy for you.”

“I can’t be their oma. Only you can. I know they’d never forgive me if I let you get away from them. I wouldn’t forgive me either.”

Johnny sniffles. He can hardly see Gyro through his own tears. “You don’t see what I do. When it’s just me and the girls.”

“You don’t see what I am either. So I guess we’ve got to prove who’s right.” Gyro presses his forehead to Johnny’s. “You were right. About you doing a lot. So I want to do some of it. Let me handle food. Let me wake up and feed them. You need time to eat and shower and-fuck when was the last time you were even outside?”

Johnny clamps his mouth shut. That had to be when the girls had their first doctor’s appointment.

“You know HP’s been asking me about you. I’m not a big fan of hers but why don't you two go out. Watch that bullcrap she likes and talk shit about me and her horrible excuse of a boyfriend for a night.”

That sounded nice. Yet. “The girls—“

“Will be with me. You said I could handle them right?”

“Hmm…”

“We should get you dolled up too. I mean what kind of mate am I if I can’t even show off my handsome man, hm?” Gyro kisses Johnny softly again. 

Johnny scrunches his nose. “I thought you liked it when no one looked at me.”

“I do but I’m just an alpha, caro. I want to fight off the horde to win your love.”

“You already have. Dork.” Johnny puts his hand over Gyro’s.

“Your dork?”

“Sure.”

Gyro laughs, leaning in to kiss Johnny over and over.

And for the first time in a long time.

Johnny’s chest feels light.

--

The weather was so much warmer than Johnny thought it would be. Even though they were still in the midst of winter. The hints of spring had begun to show their faces. Now Johnny can peel off the sweater he was encased in. He can still feel the heat lingering over him like the cloth. Just like the itch of his freshly cut hair.

“Welcome home,” Gyro calls out, joined by a small squeal. 

The three of them were gathered on the floor. Gyro called it tummy time, but honestly it looked like Gyro was having more fun as he passed their toys back and forth to their bleary gazes.

“We missed you.” Gyro wiggles Jana’s arm towards Johnny.

How could they? It really wasn’t a long time. Less than an hour if Johnny had to guess. Johnny had tried to keep track of the time but every time he even reached for his phone he was distracted by HP. 

Johnny rolls up to the trio. Careful not to get close enough for the babies’ wandering hands to be by his wheels. His chest was starting to sting again. “Did you feed them?”

“I did. You’re full?”

“Maybe.” Johnny puts a hand over his shirt. No leaking.

“You know I can take care of that,” Gyro purrs with intent as he gets up enough to greet Johnny properly with a kiss. 

“You may act like a big baby but you’re not actually one.” Johnny nuzzles against Gyro, scenting him.

“Ears.” Gyro taps Johnny’s jaw before kissing him again.

Johnny frowns, slowly reaching into his pocket. He’s been following Gyro’s advice. Despite his better judgement. It never felt good to put the headphones on. But his head hasn’t rang as much lately. He’s been sleeping more. Even though he still finds himself wandering to the nursery some nights. Doesn’t end up spending long before Gyro drags him back to bed. 

“How was HP?” Gyro asks. Even his voice got muffled somewhat by them. The subtle hints of his raspy tone were lost. Yet he smiles so wide when Johnny puts them in every time.

“You don’t care.”

“I don’t want her dead.” Gyro scoffs.

“Anything besides that is the same to you.”

“Well…you said it, not me.” Gyro shrugs cartoonishly.

Johnny sputters. He sees Bibi make a motion too. He can’t hear it.

“Yes, yes. We’re all happy to see oma.” Gyro kneels to her and picks her up. She makes grabby hands at the air.

Johnny rolls closer. He must be noisier than he can even hear as Bibi looks right over at him. He lifts his arms to her. She practically jumps into them.

Bibi’s quiet. Even this close, but she was laser focused on him.

Those tiny fingers curl against his clothes. Her wide eyes. Green like Gyro’s. Staring right into Johnny’s own. His heart aches with love for her. He loves the girls so much. 

“Oma’s home.” Johnny hums back to her.

“And speaking of home. We’ve got a surprise ready for you.” Gyro says as he snatches Jana up. It’s quick enough that it makes her wiggle with a gummy smile. 

“I don’t know where you get the time to do everything.” Johnny tsks, idly rubbing Bibi’s back as she continues to snuggle into him. 

“The girls helped.”

“Sure.” Johnny rolls his eyes. “Well, what is it?”

Gyro doesn’t explain. Simply snatches Bibi and hurries off. What else could Johnny do but follow? He doesn’t smell food. The house was still looking decent. Gyro had hired someone to come in and take care of the worst of it. Since then they’ve been maintaining it as best as they can. 

“In here,” Gyro calls, head poking out from the doorway to the nursery. With two little faces also poking out in his arms. Their eyes all focused on Johnny.

So he’s expecting a lot more when he rolls in. Instead what he finds is a large rug with blankets on top of it.

“Since I can’t keep wrangling you back to bed.” Gyro sits on the rug. At least it seemed it was a rug until Gyro sits and gives it. It had to be some kind of spongey material. Like a couch or a mattress. “I brought a bed here.”

“I already sleep enough on the rocking chair.”

“That’s not good enough.” Gyro sets the girls on top of the mattress and motions for Johnny to come lay down. It did look soft. But it would definitely need some adjustments. 

Johnny starts to fluff out a blanket after he crawls onto the pseudo-bed. Jana pats the blanket beside her. Almost like she’s trying to do the same. 

Gyro wraps his arms around the girls. Keeping them from wiggling too far away. Johnny lays on the other side, laying his arm against Gyro’s. 

They all fit together perfectly.

--

Johnny can’t understand how Gyro manages his long hair. Johnny can understand braiding it. Tying it up. But to shampoo it all every time? Brush it out just as Johnny was now brushing out his wet locks? Johnny was already considering giving up and he was only halfway done. Didn’t even rival Gyro’s length.

And as if Gyro could feel Johnny’s thoughts he comes into the room, a hand brushing away his long swept bangs. Gyro sighs wordlessly. A smile already on his face before he even matches Johnny’s eyes. 

“Who are you getting dolled up for?”

Johnny’s heart flutters but he scoffs away the sudden warmth. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would.” Gyro leans on the bed, making it dip ever so slightly. Johnny leaning just the slightest bit towards him. His unsteady heart continues to patter restlessly. 

Maybe it was the fact that they hadn’t seen much of each other today. Even the day before. Johnny found himself wanting to stay inside most of the day. He spent his time tidying up. Making the bed comfortable. 

A comfort that Gyro clearly takes advantage of as he climbs into bed. 

“Whoever you’re getting ready for is going to have to wait till tomorrow.” Gyro stretches against his pillow. His shirt rising to reveal his hairy abdomen. The barest hint of his underwear peeking from his sweats. 

“Why not tonight?” Johnny leans over Gyro. He means to only get into his space, but with the blankets and pillows piled up it’s easier to just lay his hands on Gyro directly.

And then he’s looking down at him. Catching Gyro’s big green eyes. The smile on Gyro’s face widening even more. Just at a simple touch.

Could anyone really blame Johnny for leaning in for a kiss too?

And then of course he wasn’t going to stop Gyro from pulling Johnny on top of him. And it was so easy for a simple kiss to become two. Three. Four. More.

He’s not even sure when his shirt came off. Only that the feeling of Gyro’s broad hand against his plump chest was something he desperately needed.

He could so easily get more. All he had to do was peel off his pajama pants. Grab Gyro’s soft hand and drag it down his body.

Gyro rumbles against his lips. “Johnny.”

Johnny shivers. “Please.”

Gyro listens. He always does. He was so good to Johnny. Even when Johnny couldn’t see it. Things had gotten so much easier with them working together. And even if it still hurt sometimes. Even if Johnny doubts himself. He had Gyro. 

“You’re this wet already?” Gyro hums as he drags his fingers between Johnny’s folds. 

“Don’t tease.”

“I would never.” Gyro fakes a gasp as he strokes Johnny’s cock between his fingers. Feather light touches that have Johnny’s arms shaking.

Johnny wants to snap at him. But he settles for a biting kiss instead. It gets what he needs as Gyro finally sinks a finger inside. The space between them fills with muffled moans. The slick sounds of Johnny’s own body as he coats Gyro’s hand in his love. It’s good. Unbelievably good.

And yet not enough.

Johnny grinds against Gyro’s knuckles. His head was fuzzy. The world a dreamy haze. The only constant being Gyro’s touch. Gyro’s smell. Gyro’s lips against his own.

Until Gyro suddenly pulls away. Johnny whines in the back of his throat. Not yet. Not now. Not when he needs

He gasps as his hips are pulled, sinking Gyro into his folds.

Gyro moans a melody that sounds like Johnny’s name.

It’s perfect. It’s what Johnny needed. What he realizes now that he’s been unknowingly itching for all day. Maybe longer. To be connected with his mate. For there to not even be a breath between them any longer. It had been so long since they did this. Two months at least. Far far too long.

Gyro must agree as he doesn’t waste time to sink further in. Until even his unswollen knot is pressed past Johnny’s lower lips.

“My love. My mate,” Gyro pants. Lips mouthing kisses against Johnny’s neck. “You’re so good to me.”

Johnny lets go of the bed to grip Gyro’s head instead. The tangle of long hair soft in his grasp. It’s easier to get momentum like this. To lift himself just enough to slide back down and feel the press of Gyro’s knot against his inner walls.

“Gyro. Gyro,” Johnny huffs.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Gyro hums. Proves that as he rocks his hips to meet Johnny’s movements. A sting so sweet it affects them both as they echo each other's groans of pleasure.

It’s natural for them to find a rhythm. Johnny’s hips and Gyro’s hands working in tandem to bring them ever closer to an unfound edge. With every thrust Johnny’s world blurs more. Thanks to the warmth that fogs his head and the tears that spill from his eyes. 

The only time he finds clarity is in the sharpness of teeth on his flesh. His bonding gland quickly ruptured and with it his control. HIs hips falter in their rhythm as fireworks pop off behind his eyes. Sweet cinnamon and strong nutmeg floods his senses. 

Even when he comes back to himself, it is to no relief. Instead he is greeted by Gyro lapping his bloodied neck.

“Johnny,” Gyro mouths more than he speaks.

Johnny only has enough energy to grip him back in response. It’s all he can do before Gyro suddenly readjusts his angle and bounces Johnny on his hips.

Johnny cries out. But his cries aren’t enough to mute Gyro’s voice. A constant stream of mutters.

“Couldn’t have ever dreamed of someone better to raise a family with. Spend a life with. You’re my everything. Every day. Can’t believe I get to really have you.”

Like a prayer. A promise.

One Johnny can only answer a sob of Gyro’s name as the coil within him snaps and he comes.

He’s still left shaky and trembling when he comes back to himself. He’s no longer moving but he only realizes that’s thanks to Gyro’s knot inflated in him. Locking them perfectly together.

Johnny slowly unclenches his hands. Sees familiar bits of skin and blood under his fingernails that he would apologize for in the morning. For now he uses his shaky hands to tilt Gyro’s face up to meet his own.

“I love you,” Johnny whispers.

Gyro softly smiles back. 

Johnny doesn’t give him a chance to reply as he joins their lips once more.

He already knew what Gyro felt by the knot that was settled into him. By the tender lips against his own. By the bruises left on his hips.

And by the two beautiful girls they had sleeping just a few rooms away.

And Johnny loves it all too.