Chapter Text
Fire.
It wasn’t a novelty for fire to become prominent in her nightmares, always her greater enemy, the damage it had caused too obvious to her mind, too clear — just like the water she commanded.
Katara followed the waves of fire, rushing towards it, until she stopped breathless in front of her mother's murderer. What a pathetic sight. He was nothing, deserved nothing. He should have wiped out the entirety of the Southern Tribe if he was so afraid of the consequences of his actions, because she would do it again.
Find him. Chase him. Fight him.
Kill him.
She didn't regret it, not one bit. Despite Aang's disappointment and Sokka's judgement, she couldn't regret it. She had done exactly what that monster deserved. Her mother would be proud, she wanted to think her father would be too now, as a warchief, knowing everything she had achieved. Everything she had sacrificed for this war.
She was a fighter, a master of her element, a healer and helper of those who couldn't help themselves — she had control even of forbidden parts of her bending almost no one else knew she could touch, command over the blood of friend and enemy alike. She had used it to find this man. She had used it all.
And now, looking up at her from his position kneeling in the floor, Yon Rha pleaded for his life offering his own mother in exchange. She couldn't listen for longer, couldn't stand to see that this thing was what took her mother from her. She repeated the slow, circling motion of her hand time and time again, watching the icicle pierce his chest, his heart and the back of his body until it turned around and repeated in circles, over and over again.
She was proud. She was powerful. She was nothing like the little girl he wrongly let live in exchange of a different life, no. And she wasn't alone. Despite the fact that this was her fight and hers alone, she wasn't facing it by herself.
At her side none other than her greater enemy turned friend, the man she had tried to trust twice and only succeeded the third time, the Prince of the Fire Nation, admired the scene. The back of his hand brushed hers, reminding her of his presence. Not pushing, not taking, not judging. Supporting her and her decision without saying a word, simply remaining by her side, alert, ready in case she needed something.
Yet he was giving her everything she could ask for already.
She felt on top of the world, the most powerful bender to ever live, no ocean too big for her to command. It was wonderful. Brilliant. And she. wasn't. alone. She was embraced, understood. Finally, she felt herself. Free.
Only, it didn't end there, not this time.
She felt the disconnection from the water, the sudden breaking point in where the rest of the icicles remained floating around her, not moving, not disappearing, unresponsive. She moved her hands — nothing. She willed them to melt — nothing. She tried to do anything, something, the presence at her side absent after all the time he endured her need for revenge.
She searched frantically her surroundings.
Zuko was now in front of her, golden eyes looking at her face with an understanding beyond this world, knelt before the waterbender while the icicles floating in the air submitted to a force stronger than hers, stabbing him one by one. His stomach. His arms. His chest. She was not doing it, she wasted her strength trying to stop it, but it was happening either way.
He was smiling, blood coming from his mouth, his white teeth now tainted crimson.
As the life started to leave him, his soul ready to cross into the spirit realm, he just admitted it was what he deserved. He was a monster. He was glad it was her who freed the world from the curse of his existence. He was thankful to her. Yet how could he?! Never, not even when it was his face the one that haunted her dreams did she wish such a fate for him. Why was it happening now?!
Stop, stop, stop, stop — her voice pleaded but she had no more control to give. Water was nothing to her… and she was nothing to the water.
She screamed. Panicked. Cried. But before all of that she tried, to no avail, to heal at least one of the wounds her friend kept receiving, the liquid in her hand burning, static, charged with energy. Almost like a lightning bolt. It only hurt him more. She could do nothing.
She embraced his lifeless body, rocking themselves from side to side, cursing not only herself but the water around her, now their might reduced to drops and puddles on the floor. She cried under the black sky, feeling the rain, one of her greatest companions, abandon her completely, the endless darkness around her enveloping her until she could only feel the deep ache of her heart.
Katara opened her eyes to the bright sun hitting directly on her bed and an anxiety attack hitting at her chest. She brought a hand over it, feeling the rise and sink of her breathing, and tried to calm herself as best she could.
A nightmare. It had only been a nightmare. They had returned just yesterday from their brief adventure searching for the raiders that attacked her village in her childhood and she was still accepting what had happened. What had changed. How it had changed her and how it would continue to change not only her, but the perception the others had about their master waterbender. Yes. That was it.
She didn't regret it.
She also lacked motivation at present to do much beside thinking about it. She wondered if meditation would help, yet it had never done so before, the few times she even tried.
With a sigh and feeling slightly better, the images of her dream still burned under her eyelids, the waterbender grabbed the set of fire nation clothes she had readied for today and used the back door to walk onto the beach in her usual undergarments.
She needed to touch the water. To test it.
The moment she reached the beach she left her clothes on top of a small rock, trying to avoid the sand getting inside, and ran towards the ocean. First, she moved a small bubble, making it dance around her. After that she created a wave and let it rise up over her head, remaining still. Lastly, she froze it completely, looking at it with proudness. She was fine. Everything was fine.
Zuko.
What about Zuko?
Allowing the water to dissolve once more into the ocean she dried herself and dressed before walking to the courtyard, where everyone else was gathered. She watched each of them, her gaze landing on the prince and making her release a relieved breath. He was fine too, talking with Suki about something she was too far away to hear while they ate their breakfast. She wouldn't have thought she would ever be so relieved to see him alive and healthy. She almost wanted to laugh.
"There's my little sister! I would say I'm glad someone else can actually cook breakfast so that you can rest but you don't seem rested at all."
It took only the enthusiasm in Sokka's voice to make the others look in her direction. Most of them treated her normally, waving or saying a small 'good morning'. Toph added an 'About time Sugarqueen' and Zuko smiled slightly, supportive, just like the one he gave her while he squeezed her hand reassuringly just before she faced the rest of the Gaang. Just before she told them of the result of their adventure.
Aang, instead, looked away as quickly as he could, the hurt in his face obvious.
She wasn’t the girl he believed her to be and she had told him multiple times before. It didn't help. The sadness inside her heart was only because he had refused to believe her until now. She wondered if he truly though he had a different kind of friend. Someone better perhaps. Someone morally perfect, just like him.
She had been raised in war. And in war, if you didn't kill, they killed you.
Doing her best to ignore it, she allowed her body to fall onto one of the portable chairs that accompanied the breakfast table and nodded.
"That's because I'm not. It wasn’t such a great night, I'm still exhausted."
At her side she heard something, barely a whisper, coming from the Avatar. She didn't want to deal with this again, not after yesterday, but was even more against having things said about her under their breath. Aang would have to accept what she had done if he wanted to keep being her friend just as she accepted she had disappointed him with her actions. But she wouldn't apologise. She wasn't sorry.
Even if he promised her she would be. Even if killing someone marked her forever. Even if her nightmare had been just the first consequence. She. Wasn't. Sorry.
"Excuse me Aang, I didn't catch that. What was it?"
The Avatar, almost fuming and clearly upset, rose from his seat to look properly at her.
"No one can sleep soundly with blood on their hands Katara. Not even good people with good reasons. You're not an exception."
Flashbacks of the night came back to her. Of her fight. Of her freedom. Of the price she paid for it. Her gaze locked with the golden one, the worried one of someone that had settled down their plate to raise a brow at Aang before finding himself pinned under the blue of the ocean. There was a question within them, the deep concern of the only one of these people who witnessed her internal conflict, her decision, the choice she alone had had to bear.
It was calming, looking at his eyes.
She blinked, breaking the moment while grabbing a plate from the pile and setting a little bit of food on it. She wasn't specially hungry, yet she needed to take care of herself. One never knew when the next meal would be, if they even had any.
"I'm not. I wasn't complaining about it, just telling. I can take a nap after I'm done with chores, don't worry, we'll train tonight as we promised."
"I don't want to train with you tonight. The only thing I could possibly learn from you now is something I don't really want."
He moved away with force, his steps louder than usual. Toph called after him, following, making a scandal about needing to perfect his earthbending, trying no doubt to cheer him up. With a sigh, Katara took a bite of the roasted vegetables, finding them delicious. Finally, something good for her morning. And she didn't even had to make them herself. Small blessings.
"He was impossible at training earlier too. Apparently I pushed you to it. Maybe he's right. If I hadn't search fo-"
She interrupted her enemy-turned-friend, her voice firm. There it was again, the calm, the reason her mind saw clearly with him at her side, the reassurance of hearing his voice. This freaking nightmare had altered her more than she had believed at the start of the day.
"No. All you did was doing me a favour. I'm grateful Zuko. I did what had to be done. I'm proud of it, of us. He's… I know he's the Avatar and I know how much effort he's putting in, how much he's suffered, but he's still a child. I wasn't allowed to be one, none of us were. War is made of sacrifices. Let's just hope these are the last ones we need to make."
The group nodded, agreeing with her words. More casual chatter continued between them, taking her mind off everything that happened in the past seventy-two hours and making her smile and laugh at the jokes again. Slowly, taking pleasure in their mutual company, they finished their food and started moving.
Sokka and Suki moved to the war room, which was the living room but with all of their maps now extended in different places, and the waterbender stayed to get the plates and clean them. Half the way through the motions of picking them up she realized she wasn't doing it alone.
"You've already made breakfast. I can at least tidy up."
Moving towards the kitchen, pile of plates in hand, the prince shook his head.
"It's no problem, you've done it alone until now and, since I'm here thanks to all of you, I like to repay you with what I can."
Following him into the kitchen, her eyes traced his silhouette, the shape of his shoulders. Having someone around that actually helped was something she had been expecting since they first set off on this journey. She hadn't imagined even in her wildest fantasies it would be Zuko.
Of course, she had hoped he'd join them back in Ba Sing Se, he had seemed a different person then. He had been, he just hadn't known yet. And she had seen it before he had been ready to be seen. His betrayal hadn't been forgotten, but it had been forgiven. She understood his reasoning, even if she believed he could have done better. Now he believed it too, but neither of them could go back to that moment in time. They could only moved forward.
So, when while they washed up the plates Zuko asked her if she wanted to spar, she said yes.
They had fought many times before, each of them with a clear motivation: either protect or kidnap the Avatar. Once they reached the now empty courtyard, that motivation was inexistent. Now, she just wanted to train with a friend. To play with the water. She was a fighter, it was in her blood. She missed sparring with someone that actually posed a challenge. Removing Toph from the equation, the rest refused to put her in any danger.
"Should I hold back? Lack of sleep can be a source of inaccuracies in our bending, as Uncle once told me."
She had been looking around, making sure there was nothing they could break and no one they could harm, but turned to him with a brow raised. He had one of those rare playful smiles she had had the pleasure of seeing only once or twice before. He knew the answer and was provoking her. That was new. A new side of Zuko she had never experienced. She matched his grin.
"Only if you want to spend the rest of the day stuck to an ice wall."
She was the first to move, rushing next to the fountain and taking some of its water, launching it as an extra layer on the floor and freezing their way to him.
"Good to know I won't if I fight normally — I was starting to think you actually believed you could win."
He moved with an agility an airbender would envy, avoiding each of Katara's attack and counterattacking with his own fire. He wasn't holding back, it was obvious in the way he moved that he respected her enough not to even try, but he wasn't targeting her vital points either. He targeted her feet so that she could move them away or her head so that she could duck but she had seen him truly fight against someone he considered an enemy, someone he was ready to kill.
He was trying not to burn her, trusting in her to avoid his attacks. And, surprisingly, she trusted in him not to kill her. He would have had the perfect opportunity the time they travelled alone and, of anything, he had gone out of his way to protect her.
She trusted him.
She would have never believed she would think something like that again.
The last wall of fire appeared too close to her, too reminiscing of older days, and she stepped back, reading her icicles just as she had done so many times before, launching them with the strength of a storm. The prince was expecting them, moving and creating fire next to them to melt them, making almost all of them turn into mist yet missing one. One little threat she failed to see how he could avoid, even if it would be easy for him.
'Thank you Katara. I'm glad it was you. I'm sorry, for everything.'
The Zuko from her nightmare sounded clearly in her head, almost as loud as the real one, and she froze, her attack lingering in the air as still as its master.
'Don't look at me like that, I deserve it. It's better this way.'
No. No, no, no.
She brought her hands to her head, gripping it strongly. It was only in her mind, she tried to understand. She hadn't hurt him. She hadn't done anything wrong. Not yet.
A blur moved towards her, rushing. She had fallen with her knees to the floor, didn't even know exactly when. The voice kept repeating the words, pained, grateful. The ache of her heart grew larger.
She listened to her name but didn't hear it.
When she felt a warm touch on her shoulder, she blinked a couple of times and registered the man in front of her, his expression clouded in concern. She tried to calm her breathing, unable to remember when it had been that she had started hyperventilating.
"That's it, breathe. Slowly. In. Out. Follow my rhythm."
With the experience of someone who had done this hundreds of times, Zuko guided her outside of her own mind and back into the courtyard. Once she felt her body going back to normal, her throat begging her to swallow, she nodded slowly.
"Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"
Zuko had crouched in front of her, his hand still on her shoulder, and was examining her face with an intensity she failed to see coming. She finally answered him after a moment of realizing just what a pretty colour his eyes were. It was different to every other eye colour she had seen before. She was so incredibly thankful to see him looking back, to see him alive. Her dream had felt so real just a moment ago. It had felt so real that night.
She nodded multiple times, as if assuring not only him but herself that everything was still under control. That her bending wasn't betraying her suddenly.
"I'm fine! I'm fine. It's just… nightmares."
Gentlemanly, he rose to his feet leaving a hand for her to grab. It was strange. She had been the first touching him, his scar, in the caverns under Ba Sing Se. But, ever since that moment the shiver that travelled to her each time they brushed against each other, voluntarily or not, was far greater. At times, like right now, she almost wanted to take her hand away, confused by the feeling, yet she remained there, rising with him and dusting off her clothes. She could still feel her knees trembling.
"I had nightmares for months after my exile, couldn't sleep more than an hour without them pestering me. I know how it feels. If you want to talk about them…"
Maybe. Maybe not. She wasn't sure if putting it out in the air, talking about it outside of her mind, would make it more real. That was the last thing she wanted. It was just a stupid nightmare, nothing more. Her life was almost the same it had been previously. Almost. And most of the things that had changed had been for good, her mind added, looking at the prince in front of her.
"I… It's alright, it's just a nightmare. I'll be the same after a long night of sleep, I'm sure of it."
Zuko seemed to want to say something, not fully agreeing with her. She looked inquisitively, not wanting him to go without being honest.
"A nightmare that follows you into the day is not exactly… common. It must have been quite memorable, and painful."
The waterbender looked away. It had been. Because she had been living a perfect moment, a moment she remembered vividly from a couple of days ago, a moment she cherished even if she shouldn't. And it had been twisted to make her into the monster. She wasn't. She knew it. But her heart doubted.
Realizing her refusal to elaborate, Zuko offered something different. Something entirely him, a small, timid smile on his lips.
"I know of a special tea to keep the worries at bay. Admittedly, it didn't work much for me back in my ship, but… well, you already know how I am. It might work for you though."
"Well, what have I to lose then?"
It was easy.
Accompanying Zuko around his childhood home was easy. Spending the rest of the day, preparations for dinner included, at the prince's side was easy. Laughing with him about stupid stories of his years in exile was easy. As it turned out, making him laugh of her own stories of the South Pole was too.
Trusting him hadn't been, because she had wanted to do so before anyone else and he had basically spit in her face. Yet, following him around the entire Fire Nation searching for her mother's killer had been easy too.
And, be it a curse or a blessing, forgiving him after what she'd done, after the effort he had put in, had been the easiest of all.
Katara wondered if she would need to forgive herself too, because she was not ready to believe in an apology.