Chapter Text
Jeon Jungkook couldn't believe his eyes.
So, that’s what he meant when he said he was going to live his own life? Was he going to live like that? I mean. He knew that guy was around for some time but going to his premiere, in public, barefaced… Wasn’t it too much?
Well, maybe too much for him, Jungkook. The silly, afraid, never-going-for-what-he-wants, Jungkook. But not for Jimin. Not really. Even though he never told Jungkook what he wanted, Jungkook always knew. He had always been like this, always crystal clear. But still, Jungkook pretended not to know.
And now, that was it. Jimin went to his premiere. And showed his face. His fucking beautiful, gorgeous, angelic, cute, shameless, soft and perfect face. He wanted the world to know he was there. And Jungkook knew why. Or at least he liked to think he knew.
To hurt him, obviously. To get his revenge. To show him that he wasn’t afraid to live as who he was, to show that he found someone who wasn’t afraid either. Jungkook was devastated. He knew that was the point of no return in their relationship, and, for some reason, it hurt.
He always thought Jimin would be around forever. His bright, infuriating, impossibly kind, never-quite-his Jimin. They had their moments throughout the years, of course. Sometimes closer, sometimes almost tearing apart… But always there, for each other.
Until now.
Jungkook knew it was selfish, but he was so jealous. All these years, all the girlfriends he’d had and Jimin never said a word. Neither about Jungkook's girlfriends nor about his own relationships.
Jungkook never thought he ever had one, though.
At first he thought they were only friends, Jimin and that Lee Sae-On guy. He was always here and there over the years, but Jimin never spoke directly about him. Not even once. Jungkook never dared to ask, either. Some things are better left unsaid, that's what he'd always believed. And god, there are so many things he never told. And probably never will. Especially now.
He took another sip of his whiskey, now watery because the ice melted while he was spiraling in anger because of Jimin. His Jimin. Not his, really. Never his. But god, how he wanted.
His feelings for Jimin were nothing new. He'd been aware of how he felt for a long time, but the time never felt quite right. At first they were too young, then they were too busy, then they were too famous, then there were so many people around them all the time… He knew that he would have to think deeply about it some time, but, again, the timing never felt quite right.
And now Jimin was there. Basically announcing that he was dating someone else. A man. It wasn’t explicit, of course. When you’re an idol, things like this can never be. But for those who can understand the complex dynamics behind the South Korea entertainment industry, it was pretty obvious.
He must have done something when he found out about Japan, he knew he should've. But now the time wasn’t right again.
But, fuck timing, Japan was their place! Jimin didn’t have the right to fly there with Sae-On, it just wasn’t right. What about all the memories they’ve built together there over the years? What about all the nights they spent awake, only lying next to each other, laughing, eating noodles and playing games? What about their first time together in Disneyland? Did he go to Disneyland with the other guy too?
Jungkook felt so betrayed.
This trip was where things started going downhill, and now, clearly, they had hit rock bottom. When he saw the airport videos, his heart broke into a million pieces. That guy was even wearing Jimin’s shirt. There was a time when he was the only one allowed to wear such clothes. And now what? A random actor he had never heard about won the rights to walk around using Jimin’s clothes too? Just like that? It just didn’t feel right.
He was so pissed he couldn't even hide. Things between him and Jimin were never the same again after that. Jimin was hurt because of the way Jungkook was acting, but Jungkook couldn’t be honest about his feelings. He had kept things to himself for years. To not ruin the band, to not ruin their friendship. He wasn’t gonna say anything now. Not now. He would only have to wait until things got back to normal. They always did. It was Jimin, his hyung, his Jimin.
Well, again, not his.
Their trip to Japan was during their military vacation, and, even though Jimin never told Jungkook about that, it was everywhere. A lot of photos, videos and theories about Park Jimin and his so-called best friend. Best friend. Sure. And what did that make Jungkook now? A stranger? Seeing their photos made him sick to his stomach, and he had a hard time trying to hide his feelings from his girlfriend, Winter.
In a kamikaze move, he asked her to make a couple’s tattoo with him. He always had a taste for punishing himself through some ink-needles digging deep into his skin. He knew Jimin would hate it, probably as much as Jeon Jungkook hated himself at that point, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to feel something hurting him more than the image of Jimin in that airport, smiling at someone that wasn't him.
That was so unfair.
When they both came back to the military, their relationship had already changed. It was difficult for Jungkook because they stayed quite the same over the years. Always friends, always close, always kinda flirting, always not crossing any lines… It became more and more comfortable, to play make-believe that they were just friends, that they didn't have feelings for each other, that they could have enough of themselves… Until Lee Sae-On came and ruined it all.
Jimin came back different.
He wasn’t cold or anything. Actually, everyone else would think that nothing really changed, even their bandmates. But Jungkook knew his hyung too well to fall for this bullshit. It’s not that he was distant, he just… wasn’t open anymore. And he had always been open to Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook was Park Jimin’s weak spot. And Jungkook knew it. Not from the very beginning, but at some point it became clear that Jimin would always be there for him. Every time he called, every time he felt sad, sick, defeated, heartbroken… Every single time Jimin was there for him. But now he just felt it, he knew from his heart, that he wasn’t the number one in the other boy’s heart anymore.
And if he thought the airport photos hurt.. Well, it hurt much more. On a much deeper level. It stirred something in him he couldn't quite name, but the truth was he didn’t even know who he was without Jimin. They grew up together, discovered life together, went to the fucking military together and now what? Jimin’s got someone else?
He knew he was selfish. He knew he had a girlfriend. He knew he didn’t have the right to think these thoughts or feel these feelings, but he couldn’t help but keep pining over Park Jimin. He was so madly in love and it even hurt to exist. The military was awful before that, but after that? It became a living hell.
The remaining months passed in a blur. He watched, like a spectator, as Jimin and Sae-On grew closer and his relationship with Jimin grew apart.
“Probably for the best”, he tried to make himself believe.
Well, no matter what he tried to say to himself, it kept hurting day by day.
They never really talked about it, but Jungkook knew Jimin too well to realize that the boy knew exactly what he was feeling. For some time Jungkook expected him to say something, he really did. That was their relationship dynamics. He was bad at feelings, Jimin was good at understanding him, and Jimin always started conversations. That was just how it had always been.
Except it wasn’t like always anymore.
Oh god, it hurt.
Jimin kept spending almost all his free time on the phone. Talking, texting and taking photos of cool things he used to share with Jungkook… But now… all of this belonged to somebody else.
For a while Kook tried to make him jealous, making sure Jimin could hear him bragging to the others about his couple tattoo and how hot his idol girlfriend was, how much in love they were… But for the first time, it didn’t seem to bother Jimin. Not anymore.
Jimin used to act kinda jealous about Jungkook’s girlfriends. Even though he never said a word, every time JK had a new girl Jimin would not-so-subtly start making speeches about being his best friend and coming first and above any girl, and a bunch of other things Jungkook knew by heart at that point. But not anymore, no, no.
Jimin came back different.
The day they got discharged from the military, on the other hand, made Jungkook feel like Park Jimin got back into his old ways.
The moment someone pointed a camera at them, he was Jimin again. Park Jimin, from BTS, the worldwide admired popstar. The always smiling, always beautiful and Jungkook’s best friend, Park Jimin.
They had to make a live on Weverse, and it felt like everything was the same as before. They started off a little awkwardly from the beginning but years of media training kicked in before the awkwardness could. They knew pretty well what Jikook was and what it meant to the company, they had been told several times. How much it engages online, how many content people create about it, how much stuff they can sell under this flag… They were pretty aware. To be honest, they weren’t contractually obligated to do that, not anymore. One of their conditions, to all of them, to renew the contract, was to be able to stop doing things that felt forced. So, well, they didn’t have to do whatever they always did, to keep going with that joke.
Actually, Jungkook would say it all kinda started as a joke. As fanservice. As if pretending they were something more than friends. And they never became anything more than friends, but, all that pretending… Well, at some point it just became real.
At least for him, but he knew it was true for Jimin too.
The live was fun, and he almost forgot the hell he had been through in the last couple months. Except that, the moment the cameras went off, everything went back to its place again.
He didn’t know if he could handle that.
Oh, but he would have to. They had little to no control over their lives at all and, of course, the company had prepared something for them. Another season of Are you sure? was on its way. Jungkook could barely sleep thinking about spending all that time with Jimin again, basically the two of them, and, well, a lot of cameras. The anticipation gave him goosebumps.
And just like that, they were together on a plane again.
The feeling was so familiar. Jungkook missed it – him – so much. He had always admired how Jimin seemed to be two different persons at the same time. There was the regular Jimin and also the stage Jimin. On the stage, the older boy was a beast. His facial expressions were always ethereal, sharp, the perfect balance between heavenly and sexy. In everyday life, he was kinda different. He was soft, easy-laughing, much more casual. Jungkook loved both versions and was attracted to both, especially because he himself was never able to behave like that. Playing with his own body and face expressions as he pleased, was something only he could do. Jimin was a much better artist than he was, Jungkook always believed.
And that was probably why Jimin seemed better at pretending nothing had happened. Better than Jungkook, at least. At first Jungkook was mad and didn’t want to play along, but, as always, Jimin dragged him to his ways, and, before he could even realize, he was acting normal with his hyung again.
It felt so easy. It always did.
“JK-shi, i missed you.”, Jimin said with a big smile.
He missed his Jimin too.
Jungkook loved how caring Jimin had always been. He was that kind of person that everyone can rely on. He was always there, listening, taking care and being around every single time one of his friends was going through dark times. JK went through a lot of those, and the boy was there too. Now it was one of these times again, and Jimin was there again, even though all the darkness in Jungkook’s life now came from Jimin’s absence. Jimin was very attached to the moon as a concept, but he wasn’t the moon at all. He was the sun. Not only for him but for everyone.
Surely for Lee Sae-On too.
Argh.
That thought almost drove him mad again. But no, he wouldn’t waste his precious alone time with Jimin punishing the boy for being with someone else. He decided to enjoy Jimin while he could.
After all, in a few weeks their schedules would be all about the BTS comeback, and there would be five other people for him to share his Jimin with. Screw Lee Sae-On, Jimin probably wouldn’t even have time to play a couple once they were all together again.
It would be fine. All would be fine.
And indeed, all was well. Until that day. Until Jimin told him he did some research and booked them a cool hotel in Switzerland, only for the two of them. For them to relax and figure things out before coming back to their idols lives, that’s what he said.
Oh, Jungkook was so naive. Or at least he got so used to pretending that he might have in fact, become. He should’ve known that that was Jimin’s last move. Last move for them. His last hope. To be fair, Jungkook never thought that would be the last. That’s why he missed the timing one more time.
“Ohhhh, double bed?” Jungkook asked, acting surprised.
"I thought it would be good to… like… remember our old days? You and I, we’ve been kinda distant in the last few months and, honestly, I just want to make things right between us again.” Jimin sounded kinda tired, and also shy. Jungkook never thought the boy would address the huge elephant in the alps so quickly, it took him by surprise. He decided to do what he does best, cope with humor.
“Ohhh, hyung! I knew you missed me too!” he said playfully, while holding Jimin from the back and guiding him to the bed. “It’s okay. We love each other and we always did. I am you and you are me, remember?” JK laid in bed with Jimin, spooning the smaller guy. God, he missed so much feeling their bodies together like this.
Jimin was very touchy during the recording of the show, but it was different back then. It was like he was always holding himself. Touching but not too much, close but never too close.. But now there they were, and Jungkook could feel Jimin’s body relaxing next to his, as he had a million times before. After some time just feeling each other’s bodies, Jimin quietly whispered:
“I’m serious, Jungkookie.” Oh, he had a soft spot for when Jimin called him that. Jungkookie. “I want us to be…us. I’m tired of all the pretending, it’s getting exhausting to me. I don’t wanna hide any more, okay? I want to give us a chance. Do you understand what I mean?"
He did. Oh, he did. It was exhausting for him too. All the energy they had wasted throughout the years.. All the libido spent in keeping their feelings hidden… Oh, he was tired too. His heart felt very heavy thinking about how hard it must have been to Jimin. Jimin was always much more sensitive, much more wholehearted, much more brave, much more… everything. A single tear ran from his eye.
“I know, okay? I know.”, he whispered back to Jimin, their bodies still kinda glued together. “We will figure everything out. Don’t worry, we can figure this all out.”
Jimin let out a long, quiet sigh.
Not long after that, Jungkook felt his hyung fall asleep into his arms. Jungkook didn’t sleep, though. He knew he would have to do something that would deeply hurt both of them. He wasn’t really honest with Jimin. There was no way for them to figure that all out. Not at all. They were too famous, too rich, too… korean to do that.
They woke up the next day and Jimin was different. He never acted that way before. He was acting like Jungkook was… his boyfriend? He kept being extra touchy, extra loving. The smile wouldn’t leave his face.
Jungkook couldn’t help but smile, too.
They did a bunch of activities that day, it was like they were on their honeymoon. Jungkook tried to register every single one of those moments in his memory, he knew they wouldn’t have anything like this again any time soon. Or maybe never. He also recorded a lot of fragments through the day with his camera, for a GFC Zurich only for himself.
At some point in the afternoon, Jimin started to act provocative. Well, that was new. Absolutely new and it was driving JK absolutely crazy.
It all started when Jimin insisted on getting ice cream.
Jungkook didn’t really get the point, since it wasn’t a really hot day, since the ice cream shop was a few kilometers away from the hotel… But Jimin was so happy, begging him with those puppy eyes and everything.
They went for it.
As soon as Jimin grabbed the ice cream, Jungkook had it all figured out. Was he trying to… seduce him? The way he was holding and licking that fucking ice cream… Jungkook could swear, it was meant to provoke him. And, fuck, it was working.
“Do you want to try it, Jungkookie?” The guy asked, visibly challenging him. At this point he was literally sucking the ice cream and Jungkook, well, he was almost losing everything. When he apparently got tired of sucking, Jimin decided to lick. the. thing. Oh, those lips… Plumper than usual… His tongue… Doing such movements… Jungkook was almost hypnotized when Jimin gave him the ice cream.
Jimin laughed.
Jungkook put his mouth where seconds ago Jimin’s tongue went to play and it felt so erotic. How could something so simple make him feel such complex feelings?
His dick got hard.
He knew Jimin knew. It would, of course, send a message.
Oh, he was screwed. And Jimin was still there, playing all innocent. That guy was an actual devil. A devil Jungkook wanted so, so bad. But that he would never get. He knew it. But, to be honest, his erection was just making everything harder.
They went back to the hotel and the anxiety was kicking inside Jungkook’s head. He knew there was a lot at stake and he went over all the possible outcomes in his head over the years. And there wasn’t a single one where Jimin and him being together wouldn’t end up hurting them or the people they loved. It burned him from the inside to know that he loved and was loved back, but they could never be together. He couldn’t even explain, he preferred not to. It was better to make Jimin hate him. It would be easier for Jimin, it was the only thing he could do to make things less painful for the one he loved.
But now that the time had come to break Jimin’s heart forever, it felt so hard. So wrong. So mean. So… not the right thing to do. But he knew he had to do it. Things had gone too far.
Jimin went to shower first, giving Jungkook more time to drown in his own sorrows. That was so unfair. Their fate. He wished things were different. If only their lives were different… He wished he could work at a convenience store somewhere, maybe Japan, and Jimin was his regular client. They could live a love story from that. Maybe he could be an office worker, and Jimin just some backup dancer… Something simpler. They could have worked in a lot of alternative universes. But not in their canon one. Not being in the biggest band on the planet. So unfair.
“Now it's your turn.” Jimin said, coming out of the bathroom, lips curling into a smile. There was something in his voice that made Jungkook's stomach drop. He knew what Jimin wanted, but he would never give it to him. Although his heart would always belong to Jimin, his body could never. He closed his fists and proceeded to the shower.
Jungkook felt guilty. He shouldn’t have let Jimin get his hopes up high. He should’ve behaved differently. He shouldn’t have let Jimin see that his body wanted him too. He just made everything more and more messy. But he was selfish. He wanted to have one last perfect day with Jimin before everything changed forever.
At this point he was in tears. Tearing apart under the shower. Sobbing, cursing the world they lived in and himself as well.
Why did love have to hurt like this? That wasn't how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be happy, for god’s sake. But he knew they wouldn't. At least not him. But he would do everything he could to be sure that Jimin would be happy, even if it meant throwing Jimin directly into another man’s arms.
Only the thought hurt him physically, making him want to throw up.
Anyway. He knew what he had to do.
And he did.
And now, a few months later, one day before they left for their worldwide tour, Jimin made his move.
He looked so good. The blond hair always suited him well. He was also wearing his lensless glasses that made him look even cuter. He chose to show up like that at the premiere of his so-called friend, Lee Sae-On. Without a mask. Showing who he really was.
Jungkook knew they weren’t just friends. And he knew it was all his fault. He couldn’t help but laugh at how pathetic he was. Seriously.
He took a big sip, ending the now very, very watery whiskey in front of him.
"This is going to be a hell of a tour," he gasped.