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There was a time that Troy truly thought Adrian Dela Cruz was going to be the person he spent the rest of his life with. Sure, they had to do clandestine meetings for not nearly enough time, both of them hiding themselves from the world and their jobs, but they had been making that work for three years. And someday they wouldn’t have to hide, Troy would be out of the MLH and Adrian would be able to come out because Hollywood was far more accepting than hockey could ever be and they’d be happy. Troy truly, genuinely thought that for those three years– he thought that Adrian was worth it and thought Adrian thought Troy was worth it.
Which is why it hurt so fucking bad when he discovered that the man he thought he’d spend his life with had been cheating on him for the better part of a year.
“I just don’t understand,” Troy repeated, phone clutched to his ear, knees pressed to his chest as he sat on the bathroom floor, tears streaming down his face. “I thought we were happy.”
Adrian sighed– it was a sound that Troy was used to hearing, but he hadn’t realized it until this moment. “How could we possibly have been happy, Troy? We never saw each other, hid ourselves for years– I mean god, Troy, you made me afraid to be gay.” Ice raced down Troy’s spine as Adrian continued. “You were always so doom and gloom about it that I thought I had to live in fear and hiding too. How could that possibly have been happy?”
“Why not just break up with me then?” Troy tried to be angry, but he knew he just sounded broken. “Why let me find out by posting about your engagement?”
“Honestly, Troy, I didn’t think you’d care,” Adrian said flatly. “You were never satisfied with me anyway so I went and found someone who was.”
Troy felt like he had been slapped in the face. How could Adrian possibly be saying that Troy was the one who was never satisfied in their relationship? Troy coveted their time together, stored every moment they shared in his heart so he could pull them out when the world became too much. He had done so much to try to impress Adrian– wanted to be worthy of his superstar boyfriend, even if they were boyfriends publicly. And now he was saying that Troy was the one who wanted too much? That Troy was the one who wouldn’t care?
“Well congratulations on your engagement,” Troy bit out. “Don’t worry, I’ll lose your number. Wouldn’t want to keep in touch with a cheater anyway.”
“That’s rich coming from the self-hating homophobe,” Adrian shot back. “I’d say I hope you find your happiness Troy, but we both know that won’t happen. You’re far too needy for that.”
Troy slammed his finger on the end call button, throwing his phone across the bathroom and starting to sob in earnest now. He had really loved Adrian– or at least he thought he had. Maybe it was the bitterness of the breakup, but now all of the things that annoyed him about Adrian were swinging through his head at full force: Adrian was pushy, he was mean, he always had to be right. But Troy loved him, so he ignored these things and tried to make himself less; less clingy, less needy, less scared. That wasn’t enough, though. Troy wasn’t enough.
He could never be enough.
***
Troy woke up to the smell of apples– an ever present smell as of late, but still one that made him smile. The smell of apples meant Harris was around and Harris being around always made Troy smile. It was the start of the off-season and Harris had promised he would be spending as much time with Troy as possible– which meant Harris staying over in Troy’s apartment and making it smell like apples and home. He hadn’t had a home in such a long time before this, just lonely apartments and empty halls. Before coming to Ottawa, Troy couldn’t imagine having an actual house, but Harris made him want that. Harris had been helping with his house search– a positive sign for Troy’s plans to ask Harris to move in with him. They hadn’t been together for all that long, but Troy couldn’t imagine having a house and not having Harris in it.
“You up yet, sweetheart?” Harris called through Troy’s apartment. “I made pancakes.” Troy smiled, getting out of bed and going to brush his teeth before making his way into the kitchen. He came up behind Harris, putting his hands on his hips and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Good morning, baby.”
“Morning Harris,” Troy put his head in the crook of Harris’s neck. “Pancakes?”
“Mmhmm.” Harris clicked off the stove and slid the last pancake onto a plate. “Thought you might want to take advantage of your lack of diet during the off-season and enjoy a breakfast that actually tastes good for once.”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that, letting Harris go so they could both go to the kitchen island and eat together. As excited as Troy was to have a real house that was really his own, he would miss this little kitchen that started to feel so much bigger with Harris in it. Troy sat pressed as close to Harris as he could manage on their separate stools; their arms bumped every time one of them went to take a bite of their breakfast, but that didn’t bother Troy one bit. Harris was the greatest gift in Troy’s life and he was going to relish every moment he got to touch Harris– even accidentally.
“So I was thinking–” Harris was cut off by the buzzing of his phone. While Harris was taking a vacation, he didn’t have a true off-season the way Troy did and Troy knew he couldn’t resist helping out even on his time off. Troy started to tidy up the kitchen, humming to himself as he waited for Harris to finish with whatever he needed to do. He wasn’t expecting to feel Harris’s hand– slightly shaky– on his back. “Troy you’re uh. You might wanna sit down for this.”
Ice raced down Troy’s spine but he complied, letting Harris guide him back over to the stool he had been sitting on before, this time his back to the counter top. Harris took a deep breath before handing Troy the phone. There were a million terrible things running through his mind– was someone hurt? Did he get traded again? Was Crowell starting some shit? Did Dallas Kent manage to get out of his charges?
He certainly wasn’t expecting to see a divorce announcement for his ex-boyfriend.
“Oh.” It wasn’t that Troy still had feelings for Adrian– he was more than over him at this point. Harris made Troy happier than Adrian ever had, even after less than a year together. But it was still shocking to see the man who had blown up part of Troy’s life and his self-esteem getting divorced from the man he had married only months previously. “That’s. Huh.”
“Yeah,” was all Harris said before taking back the phone, clearly scrolling through the article again. “It’s– I guess both of them were cheaters, who could’ve guessed?” Troy couldn’t help but snort at that. It was a petty thought, but it served Adrian right for everything he put Troy through. “How are you feeling?”
Harris seemed nervous, but Troy couldn’t quite understand why. “I’m fine? It’s not like it really impacts me at all.” Because it didn’t. Troy didn’t need Adrian anymore, he had Harris. “Unless he mentioned our relationship– but even then, I’m out now so it’s not like it’s a huge deal.”
“You don’t– You don’t want him back, right?” Harris’s voice was small– smaller than it had been since the plane accident. Troy got up and wrapped his arms around Harris, the feeling of tears seeping into his shirt breaking Troy’s heart. “I’m being silly–”
“You are,” Troy agreed, pressing a kiss to Harris’s head. “Because you’re so much more than Adrian Dela Cruz could ever be. I mean, god, Harris, you’re just… You’re everything to me, you know that, right?”
Harris nodded against Troy’s chest. “I know, I just… Sometimes I wonder if I was just the easiest option.”
Troy pulled away so he could take Harris’s face into his hands. “Harris. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, full stop. I spent so much of my life feeling alone and hating myself, but you showed me how to stop that. You showed me how to be a better person. You loved me even when I didn’t feel I deserved it– Fuck, Harris, you still love me even though I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes you do,” Harris grumbled petulantly. Troy let his hands fall away from Harris’s face, lacing his fingers with his boyfriend’s. “So no part of you wants to get back with Adrian? Even though he’s rich and famous and handsome and–”
“And he’s an asshole. He made me feel like I could never be worth anything to anyone, but you, Harris… You make me feel like I’m worth everything. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I convinced myself I couldn’t have as a teen, you’re it for me, Harris. If I have to get a ring for you to prove it, I will.”
Harris laughed, eyes wet but smile still bright. “Might be a little bit soon for that, bud, but I appreciate the sentiment.” Another pause, this one lighter than the silences from before. “You really want me forever?”
“I was going to ask you to move in with me,” Troy said bluntly, freeing one of his hands to pull out his phone and show Harris the sold listing for the house he had bought, the one Harris had liked the most. “It might be too soon for that too, but I can’t imagine having a home without you in it anymore.”
“You bought us a house?” Troy nodded. “God, Troy, I love you so much, you know that, right?”
Troy kissed Harris gently. “I know. I love you too– move in with me?”
“I’d love nothing more,” Harris replied before kissing Troy again.
And again.
And again.
Troy felt dizzy with love for this man– the all consuming love of someone who made him feel worthwhile. How Harris could ever worry about someone like Adrian Dela Cruz was beyond him, but that hardly mattered; he’d do anything he had to to make sure Harris understood how wanted he was. How loved he was.
Adrian Dela Cruz had been wrong about Troy– he found his happiness. Harris was everything to him, and Troy was everything to Harris.
He was enough.