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Silver was awoken by a loud bang on his door. Yawning, he shook off his blankets, and went to open it.
“Sebek, Malleus-sama,” He greeted, “Head Chef, Crowley—Head Chef!? Crowley!? My word, what could’ve happened?’’
Sebek, being the blunt man he was, simply said, “If you don’t break up with that oversized, idiotic, mushroom worshiping, two-faced, conniving, desperately in need of a shower eel this instant, you will singlehandedly be responsible for the extinction of all of humanity!”
Silver looked to Malleus in hope of further explanation, but was just told a vague, “You have doomed us all.” Crowley was nodding along to the sentiment, and poor Silver was starting to feel rather panicked.
“How dreadful! What have I done?”
The Head Chef hung his head, placing two hands on Silver’s shoulders in sympathy. “My child. You are dating Jade Leech, correct?”
“Correct. But what—”
“And you are the child of Lilia Vanrouge, correct?”
“Correct. Now—”
“Are you aware that they have entered the culinary crucible…together?”
Silver gasped. “Together? No! It can’t be!”
“Ah, but it is!”
“Silver Marie Johnathan Vanrouge! What is the meaning of this—or should I say, the ‘beaning?’’’
“It is better, father, if you say nothing!” Cried Silver as he continued to tape Lilia to a chair. “You and Jade, together in the kitchen—oh father! How could you sign up at the same time!?”
Lilia was bewildered. “What could possibly be so wrong about that? Isn’t a man allowed to cook with his son’s boyfriend?”
“Not when that man is you, and that boyfriend is Jade! Why, you might as well force feed everyone poison!"
“As if! And besides, I no longer talk to that despicable man.” Lilia sneered at the very thought. “Why, he used to be so understanding in my pursuit for an optimally nutritious meal, even making suggestions! But then one day, completely out of the blue, he gave a cruel little smirk and said, ‘I know for certain I could make better meals for Silver than you ever could!’ The nerve!”
Hearing this, Silver collapsed to the floor in relief. Knowing Jade, this could only mean one thing: He had gotten bored of supporting Lilia’s schemes, and was causing mischief in a new way. Oh, but this new way was most dangerous! He was at risk of falling out of Lilia’s favor if he kept this up! Indeed, Lilia was saying now:
“I hope to never see that eccentric eel again in my life!”
His ramblings were interrupted by a knock on the door. Silver double checked that his father wouldn’t be able to break from his trap, before running to open it.
A far too chipper Jade, a brooding Malleus, an enraged Sebek, and clearly miserable Idia stood in front of him.
“Silver,” Said Jade, “I wish to speak to your father.”
Silver clamped a hand over his mouth in horror, looking to his brothers for support. Malleus and Sebek were too busy glaring at Jade to provide the proper support, so he turned his attention to Idia, who had (sadly) been deemed the sensible one in this situation.
Idia rolled his eyes and signed, “This is crazy. Let him in.”
Fine then. Silver opened the door wider, allowing them to step in. As soon as Jade spotted Lilia, he fell to his knees and asked, “Sir, if I may, I’d like to marry your son.”
Malleus lunged for him. Lilia and Sebek cheered him on, while Silver turned to Idia in distress. Idia groaned, and pulled out his trusty spray bottle and started spraying at his boyfriend.
“Bad drago. Bad. Shame.” He then shifted his scolding to Jade, “And what are you doing? Walking around like you’re in some 1950s romcom. Good grief. Everyone out.”
Suddenly everyone had some protest to make. Idia quickly shut them down with a few spritz of the spray bottle, and the final command off, “Stop fighting people at the drop of a hat!”
And so, out everyone went, leaving Silver to just assume it had all been a bad fever dream, and go back to sleep.
Alas, the word ‘fight’ seemed to stick with Lilia for the rest of the night. So, the next day, when Lilia and Jade were in the kitchen, Lilia held his ladle up high and declared, “Jade Leech! I challenge you to a duel!”
Jade, being Jade, accepted, much to the chagrin of the kitchen ghosts. They begged for this ‘duel’ to take place literally anywhere else, and then kicked the duo out of the kitchen.
Word soon spread, and eventually, it was decided that the duel would take place on Saturday, in the Pomefiore basement (which was apparently secretly an ex-gladiator stadium or something) at high noon.
Not that Silver knew about this, of course. He was just dragged by Sebek into the basement and was shocked when he found all the third years, as well as most of the second years, ready and waiting.
The second Lilia and Jade stepped a foot on the concrete floor, they were pulled away to their respective sides, and suited up in boxing gloves and protective padding.
Silver rushed to find the most reasonable person in the room: Jamil.
“Jamil! And Ruggie!” Silver panted as he found the duo in swimsuits, sunbathing with what little light was coming into the basement. “What in the world is going on!?”
Jamil lifted his sunglasses. “Were you not involved in the planning of this whole affair?”
Silver shook his head.
Jamil sighed and sat up. “They’re going to duel in your honor.”
Silver’s jaw was on the floor. “They—what!?”
“They. Are. Going. To. Duel. In. Your. Honor.” He repeated slowly. “It’s stupid, I know, but since when has literally anything that happens here made sense?”
In pity, Ruggie pulled Silver into a side hug. “It’s alright, don’t worry too much about it. Hey, how about you come sunbath with us, you look kinda pale. You need a bra? No?”
Silver just couldn’t listen to this. His father and boyfriend! Dueling, like it’s the fifteenth century! He needed to put an end to this immediately!
He rushed off to find Vil and Idia, who were trying to drown out the stupidity by doing their makeup.
“Vil-senpai! Idia-senpai! Please, help me knock some sense into them!”
Idia gave him a sympathetic look. “Silver-shi, dw. They’re doing it for the lolz.”
He would’ve asked what that meant, but then a whistle blew, and suddenly all eyes were on Malleus.
“Ahem! We are here today to witness good triumph over evil!”
Idia threw a shoe at him.
“Oy!” Malleus rubbed the spot on his head where the shoe had hit. “Well, alright then! We are here to witness the duel between Leech and Vanrouge, in Silver’s honor. Happy?”
Idia nodded.
“Good. Now. Let the duel commence!”
Now is a pretty good time to say that the author doesn’t know what dueling involves, and since they’re clearly on something, they’re just gonna make up whatever sounds funniest.
Silver watched in horror as Lilia threw a left hook. Jade threw a right hook. Malleus threw a fishing hook. Lilia grabbed the fishing hook and tried to catch Jade. Jade didn’t appreciate this, and started running around the ring. Lilia kept throwing the line as he ran, and leapt for joy when he caught something. He shrunk in fear when he realized that ‘thing’ was actually Leona, and abandoned the hook in favor of running to the other side of the ring. Vil, who was the best pupil of kickboxing champion, and Idia, who was just a wet cat, held Leona back, but were distracted by Lilia shapeshifting into different animals. Eventually, he turned into a giant bat and dove into Jade’s hair.
Vil was getting more and more offended by this nonsense and so, grabbed and threw one of his pumps into the ring. Jade caught the pump, and tried to skewer Bat!Lilia. Lilia squeaked and tried to fly to Malleus. Instead, he flew straight into Riddle’s forehead, launching the tiny terror into a fury.
“You! You’re meant to stay in the ring! Have none of you ever dueled before!?”
“That’s what I was wondering!” Exclaimed Vil.
“Vil-senpai! Come, join me! Let us show these imbeciles how it’s done!”
“I'm not that curious!” Vil tsked. He then linked arms with Idia and walked over to where Jamil and Ruggie were sitting. He pushed them out of their lounge chairs, and shoved Idia into one, himself into another.
Malleus had apparently taken all of Vil’s curiosity, so he marched right to the ring, and declared, “I shall aid in this preservation of innocence!"
Idia threw his other shoe at him.
“Oy! Stop doing that! I thought you loved me!”
“Not when you’re out here acting like goddamn chosen one! ‘Oh, I’m Malleus, I’m gonna aid in this preservation of innocence!’ What the hell does that even mean!? Go preserve your fucking flipphone first, then talk to me!” He huffed and settled back into his chair. “Out here talking about some ‘preservations;’ he can’t even make a reservation over the phone if the instructions were tattooed on his forearm!”
Seeing this burst of passion moved Silver. As in, physically moved him. Like he stood up and proclaimed, “I shall join the duel—”
Vil dragged him back down. “No, the fuck you won’t.”
“Okay I won’t! But I would still appreciate it if you would put a stop to this at once!” He started to cry. “I love you both very much! There's no need to fight!”
“Fight?” Jade turned to Lilia, who had tears in his eyes. How very odd. “Why, what are you on about? I thought we were doing this for fun!”
Sebek was scandalized. “You mean to tell me you agreed to a duel in Silver’s name, got attacked by a fishing hook, tried to skewer our father, and was a shoe away from fighting the great Malleus Draconia himself—for fun!?”
“Yes.”
The entire room came to give Silver a pat on the back or a few words of encouragement before leaving. Azul even went so far as to ‘thank him for his sacrifice.’ This left the Diasomnia family, Idia, and the Leech twins to figure this out.
“Oh Silver!” Cried Jade as they embraced. “Did you truly think we were arguing?”
Silver just nodded into his chest.
“Now, now, I would never! Lilia-senpai is like the father figure I never had!” Sniffling, he added, “I don’t even remember my father!”
Floyd stopped chomping on his chips long enough to shout, “We literally just had a call with him!”
“He left when we were young…”
“No he didn’t!”
“And before that, he mistreated us greatly…”
“He bought us a seapony!”
“When I think of his piercing, hazelnut eyes—”
“His eyes are yellow!”
“I can see nothing but hatred!”
“His whole bedroom is covered in pictures of us!”
Jade dragged himself to Lilia’s feet, bowing to the floor. “Oh, do forgive me Lilia-san. I meant no offense, and I do love Silver truly.”
“Come now dearie, up you get,” Lilia chuckled as he pulled Jade up. “You know, today has renewed my love of wrestling. Why, I might just drop out of the culinary crucible and focus on rehoming my skills!”
The room took a collective sigh of relief.
“But then again, I am in need of those credits…’’
“Oh, never mind that!” Cried Silver as he reached for Lilia’s hands. “Father, does this mean…?”
Lilia smiled. “Yes, sweetheart. You may marry him.”
The couple gasped and once again embraced. And then Silver fell asleep in Jade’s arms because narcolepsy waits for no man.
Jade didn't mind. He went on and on about the wedding plans, eventually reaching the infinity float. “Oh, to be a part of it myself! Malleus-san, would you be so kind as to reprise your role—Malleus-san?”
Idia, who was coincidently putting his shoe back on, pointed to the ground. Jade and Lilia peered over the side of the ring, only to see Malleus curled up on the floor, with little gargoyles circling around his head. Lilia swatted them away, and asked, “Mally-moo, what happened to you!?”
Mally-moo snapped out of his trance and pointed to Idia. “He tried to kill me.”
“I stopped him from pouncing on Jade-shi again.” Idia deadpanned.
“Malleus! I thought I raised you better than this! And where is Sebek?”
Idia pointed to the sulking freshman in the corner.
“You lot put up a much bigger fight when I wanted to court Skully…” He grumbled.
Silver woke up and gestured to the surroundings. “Much bigger!? They're in a wrestling ring!”
“And we were in a book!”
Lilia snapped his fingers. “That's why you guys were acting so unbelievable!”
…
“Floyd-shi?”
“Yeah?”
“Throw that bag of chips at him.”