Chapter Text
The sky is clean, the sun shining, as he drives through the street, thinking for the thousand time: what the fuck I'm doing? He reflected a lot about calling this trip out. Coming up with many excuses, like that it probably will rain, and if it rains they will have to be trapped in a cabin in the woods for the whole weekend, but that would be lovely actually, he would love it if they could enjoy some quiet time together. He also thought about saying he's sick, yeah, if he's sick, he can't go. That thought was problematic, because he started to imagine the possibility of Viktor taking care of him. Not that that would even happen, they aren't these kinds of friends. So he forbade himself from thinking about it.
He could say that it's dangerous in the woods, but that's a ridiculous one, he knows, it's a park, there's not even bears or other dangerous animals there.
He's always like this, always thinking about giving up on things he really wants. Not today, he can't do it to him, he has no fault Jayce is a mess of a person.
When he stops in front of the building the other man is already waiting, of course he's, and Jayce another time questions what he's doing. He has no idea.
From the drive seat he stares through the window at Viktor on the sidewalk. The hazel eyes meet him for a moment, a soft stare that makes him feel all warm, but it doesn't last, no, Viktor averts his eyes quickly, he seems tense standing there, one hand holding his cane, the other hand moving nervously through the holder of his rolling suitcase. He's wearing comfortable clothes, what's unusual. He looks lovely and precious, but he is clearly having a bad time.
“Hey.”
“Good-good morning, Jayce. You… you are late.”
Shit. “I'm sorry, there was some kind of accident in the main avenue, and I needed to make a return.”
There's a double nod, yet he doesn't stare at him, he keeps his eyes down. “I see. It's not-not your fault.” Viktor says, but he stays standing there. Imovible, except for the nervous hand moving through the holder.
Jayce understands what's the problem here, Viktor is a punctual and methodical person, he follows a routine, he needs it, Jayce learned by observation and some search that this helps him, comfort his brain. Because autistic people work better with a clear routine. Jayce can understand it, because he has anxiety, he also needs some routine, it makes it easy to deal with life. Yet they aren't the same, he remembers how Viktor would behave in their college days, when people were late or didn't show up to the group projects, he would get shaken, words stumbling, a lot of hand moving, he would always have to take a break. Once they became friends Jayce started to go with him. They would sit in silence, and he would wait till Viktor felt better.
He remembers an unusual conversation they had at one of these moments. “I… I’m conscious that things out of control can happen.”
He kept quiet, only listening. “That it's not-not… not always people's fault. And also that… it's not the end-end of the world. Yet, it feels like it. It feels… I-I don't know what to do. I just can't follow through.”
Jayce didn't tell him he also didn't know what to do in many situations, or that when things didn't work the way he wanted he felt like a failure. “It's also not your fault you can't control your brain.”
Yes, that's what he said and a tear caressed the imponent face.
He understands. He turns off the car and gets out, walking to him. “I'm really sorry. I promise next time I will leave even early in case something goes bad. But if you can't go, it's okay. We could go to your place, or I can leave.” He wants to offer something better. But what could he offer?
He has nothing to offer, he's egoist. He called Viktor to go to the cabin with him because he wanted to see him, have him close. Honestly, he's still surprised Viktor accepted. They never went anywhere together.
The lapidated face moves, eyes finding him. “No. I want to go. As I said, it's not your fault.” The way he says it, sounds as if it's the other man's fault. As if Viktor blames himself. Probably he believes he should behave differently. But he doesn't.
“Can we agree it isn't anyone's fault?”
Viktor blinks for a moment, and smiles. It's a very small smile, but it's powerful. Jayce feels proud to be able to make him smile, it's so rare to see.
They stare at each other for a long moment, and this time the eyes stay on him, very soft and warm. And Jayce is being weird again, the feelings he is trying to pretend aren't real, taking over him.
“There's no fault.” Viktor says and Jayce nods. He wishes he could wrap his slim body in his arms. Friends do hug, he remembers himself. Yet, he's not sure that if he hugs him, he would ever let go. Because while Viktor only sees him as a friend, Jayce sees him as something else. Something… more.
Stop it. You are only confused.
“Ready to go?” He asks, trying to ease his mind. It's okay to be only friends, it's already a wonder.
Viktor nods and Jayce opens the car trunk, he takes Viktor's suitcase and puts it beside his one. Then he opens the passenger door to him.
Viktor stares at him, seeming a bit confused.
“Something wrong?”
“I can open things. I can do many things.”
Is he failing again? “I'm sorry, I just wanted to help. I should have asked.”
Viktor grunts and gets in.
Fuck. So much for an easy trip.
He gets in the car too. And as he starts the car, Viktor says: I'm sorry too.
“It's okay.”
“No, Jayce. You were being gentle and acting as a good friend and I said unnecessary things.”
He drives. “I understand. You don't like to be helped. Does it make you feel as if you are incapable?”
“Yes. But not with you. It was just a reflex. I'm really sorry. I know you aren't like the others.”
Well. The wind caresses his face, as they go, there's some streets that are blocked and he makes a turn. “Maybe I'm, I'm not the smartest person, and I should ask you what you want, I was just…”
Trying to be a gentleman? No. He's not Mel. He's not following a script. He just couldn't help it. They end in the avenue and there's traffic. They move very slowly.
“I just felt like it. Like doing things for you.”
“I know. That's why I'm deeply sorry, Jayce. Also, put your seatbelt on.”
The first phrase is very soft, while the other is a demand. Jayce smirks and does as he says.
“Thank you.”
Jayce smiles. “Anything you want.”
Viktor hums. “I might take it literally, you know?”
“You can take it anyway you want.”
“What does it mean?”
Shit. Shit. “Nothing, I was being silly. Listen, it's one hour or so to our destiny, maybe more with this traffic, so let me know if you need to move or stop at any place.”
“Alright. Wait. It will be only the two of us?”
Eh? Didn't he say it? “Yes, only you and me.”
And there's an oh sound, but weirdly It sounds like he's glad? He can see for his peripheral vision, he's using his phone, If Jayce is not wrong he's playing a game.
“So your girlfriend is not coming along?”
What Jayce feels now, is like a knife cutting through him. But he focuses on the road, forcing himself to keep going. There are many cars in front of him, a symphony of honks. “She's not my girlfriend anymore.”
He sees the phone being put down for a moment. “I see.”
He doesn't ask anything, doesn't say any words and maybe Jayce should be glad Viktor is the kind of person that doesn't dig and tries to know what happened in someone else's life.
“I broke up with her.”
Yes, it cuts through him again. Fuck. Maybe he should rethink it? It's not too late to call her and apologize, and…
“I see.”
“Dont you think I made a mistake?” His mother and his father said he did. Said he will regret it. Because where could he find someone as good as Mel? They are right, she's perfect, she's intelligent, wise, strong. And she's also breathtaking and has a great soul.
“You didn't wish to break up?”
He did. For years actually. “Yes. It may not make any sense, but I couldn't keep going. It was… bad.”
Viktor hums. “So it seems you did the right thing, Jayce.”
It's such a simple phrase, but Jayce feels as if a weight is lifted from him, a weight that has been crushing him every day. “I'm not totally sure what was wrong. You know?”
He stops at a signal. The red light glares at him, it always gives him an uneasy feeling. He stares at the other man and their eyes meet. He seems sad, is it because of him? Maybe this trip was really a bad idea.
“No, I don't know. Would you explain?”
Explain, can he explain? He faces the signal again and it changes to green.
“It felt like the life of someone else, like playing a part. I really tried to enjoy it, to be happy, but I failed.”
“Jayce?”
“Yes?” His eyes burn, he feels like crying. But he will not cry. They still have a long way to go.
“You shouldn't force yourself to do things that make you unhappy. But I understand how it's to try to fit in. I have come to terms with that, but it took a lot, and some days I still have to remind myself that I'm what I'm, I can't change.”
He doesn't understand. He's a normal, nice person, while Jayce is weird. He wishes he was like other's, that his feelings were normal.
“I don't know what is wrong with me.”
“I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you.”
He almost laughs. “There's someone else.”
And there's another oh sound, this one sounds as if he's truly surprised.
“I love this person more than anything, but I don't… I don't know how to put it into words.” He reflects as the car moves slowly, looks like the accident was serious, there's an ambulance. It was a car and a bike. Viktor doesn't say a thing, they only move in silence. Some things are unavoidable. When it hits you, it hits you.
“I want to stay close to them, the closer I can, but I don't want to kiss or have sex with them. You see, it's not normal.” Yes, the normal would be to want to date, and kiss, and make love.
Even thinking makes him feel bad.
“When you make another turn, pull over.” Viktor says.
Is he mad? He sounds odd. Did Jayce disgust him? Fuck. He ruined everything. It's possible he will never see him again.
It takes a while to pass through the accident, but the moment they pass, it flows and the cars speed, and he's able to guide the car to a point where he can stop without getting a ticket.
“I'm sorry.” He says, hands holding the steering wheel with so much strength it hurts. He shouldn't have asked him to come. He should have been a better person. He hears as Viktor unlocks his seatbelt.
“Jayce.”
He turns slowly, he's shaking hard, vision getting blurred by tears. Yet he can still see his face, he seems sad, but there's no disgust in his eyes, he seems soft and worried.
“Allow me to touch you.”
Huh? Jayce nods, even though he doesn't know what is happening.
The long hand unplugs his seatbelt, and Viktor gets really close, body bending over him, freeing him. He gets so close that Jayce can smell his aroma, it's sweet, he loves it.
When Viktor moves back, he stares right at him. Caring hazel eyes. “Can I hug you?”
A hug? Maybe he's dreaming, maybe he's still in bed, yet to wake up and start his day. “I don't…”
“You don't want it?”
He doesn't deserve it. Yet, he can't be the decent person and say no. “I want to.”
There's the little smile before Viktor moves towards him again, the long arms wrapping around him. It's a very awkward embrace because of the position of Jayce's body, it's a kind of sidelined hug, but it's the best hug he ever had. And he can't hold up. He cries hard in Viktor's arms. Viktor doesn't let go. He holds him tight, and for a while all there exists is the warmth of their bodies and the sound of Jayce weeping.
When all Jayce can do is sniffle, face buried on Viktor's neck, Viktor says: it's normal.
What's? Crying uglily in the arms of a friend? Feeling lost as an adult? Not knowing what to do with your feelings? Breaking a relationship of years because you don't want to have that kind of relationship? Feeling like a failure when choosing for yourself for once? Why doesn't it feel normal?
Well, now in Viktor's arms, he doesn't feel like it. He feels like home.
“Would… you explain?”
“What you said, your feelings for this person. They are normal. What you feel is very normal and right, Jayce.”
What? How come? “Viktor, you don't unders…”
“I do. I do understand very well, I'm the same way. Well, what I feel is very similar. I know because I feel it for you.”
Huh? What does he mean? Jayce can't think straight. “I don't understand.”
“You are my favorite person.”
He smiles on his neck, and Viktor shakes. “Tickles?”
“Yes.”
He giggles, loving to know he’s sensible to touch there. “You are my favorite person too.”
“No, Jayce, I mean the most favorite person. The only person. What I feel for you is so vast I can't put into words too. You see, I only came because I wanted to see you. Even if I had to deal with other people. I had prepared my mind to deal with your girlfriend.”
“Ex girlfriend. You don't like her?” Everyone likes Mel.
“I don't like anyone but you.”
Ah. He can't believe it. “Viktor…”
“I'm not expecting anything. I hope we can still be friends, I only wanted to explain, but now I realize it may be inappropriate."
Jayce turns a bit in the hug. “Can I hug you too?”
“Oh, of course.”
He slides his arms around him, holding with care. “We can't be friends anymore.”
“Oh, I see.” He sounds disappointed.
“We can't be friends because we feel the same.”
“Well, I think we still could be friends, but if it won't work for you, I guess we have to part ways.”
“No. I mean to say you are the person I was talking about. Those feelings, my feelings are for you.”
All he feels is warmth.
“No, it's too improbable.”
He laughs. “I agree, but it's happening.” He also can't believe it. Viktor's words still resonate in his mind. It's normal. It's an absurd feeling. He's normal.
“Would you explain more about it?”
Viktor's face moves, ending on his neck, breathing softly, it's a caressing that makes Jayce smile.
“You mean about asexuality?”
Asexuality. There's a name to it. “I didn't know there was a name to it.”
“There's a whole global community actually.” Viktor says, and Jayce feels some wetness on his back now turned to the windows. It takes him a moment to hear the sound and smell it.
“It's raining.”
“Seems like it.”
“Should we call the trip out?”
“Don't you dare. I'm not…” Viktor stops suddenly, and as he pulls away he doesn't let go of him. Jayce blinks confused and Viktor makes a helpless face, his cheeks are pink, he looks so precious, Jayce doesn't know how to react.
“I can't decide things for you, I'm sorry.” Viktor says, tone apologetic.
Jayce shakes his head. “No, say what you were about to say.”
“It may be inappropriate.”
“I don't mind.” It's getting a bit chilly and Viktor's eyes get concerned.
“Close the windows, it's raining on you.”
Ah. He laments having to let go. He tries to move out of the hug, but Viktor holds him. Seems like he does it without meaning because he blinks surprised. “Oh, sorry.” He says and Jayce giggles.
“I also don't want to let go.”
And now Viktor stares in wonder at him. “I thought it was only me.”
Jayce smiles, feeling deeply happy. “No, and we don't really need to.”
“No?”
He moves in the embrace, and reaches one arm searching for the key, once finds it he presses the little button twice. The windows roll up and now Viktor smiles for real, and it takes Jayce's breath away.
“You see? We don't need to ever let go.”
Viktor's giggle is rough as his voice, a lovely sound Jayce wants to hear more. “You are so improbable. We need to move eventually, Jayce. We need to go on the trip.”
Jayce grunts. “Fine, Mr. We Need To Move. But can I hold your hand while we go?”
Viktor smiles even if confused. “Are you going to drive with only one hand?”
“It's automatic.”
“Oh. How convenient.”
Yes. It's very convenient. They let go of the embrace, hands find each other.
“Oh, it's good. The hug was good too.” Viktor says, seeming surprised. “I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, hug and hold hands. Even if I wanted to. But also I never thought it would be possible for you to feel the same for me. I think… ”
“Yes?”
“I think you pacify me.”
Oh.
“In opposition to the rest of the world.”
Ah. He smiles big. “I'm glad, you pacify me too.”
“Really?”
“I'm a very nervous person, I can't relax easily. I was always able to relax next to you, when we touched today it took over. I felt so warm and at peace.”
Viktor smiles again. “I'm also glad. And I'm really happy I came today. Well, I'm always happy when I see you, even if it's just passing by, in fact just thinking about you makes me happy. However, today I'm happier than ever, so much so that I'm not sure what to do.”
And now Jayce worries, remembering Viktor's words some years ago: I can't follow through.
“Do you need to take a break?”
Viktor shakes his head. “It's very odd, but I don't feel like malfunctioning. It's the first time.”
Thank god. He feels relief washing him. “Let's keep going?”
“Please.”
They change hands because he needs to start the car again, and then they change back, and giggle. He moves the car away and they move.
“Asexuality is a term to describe a person who feels little to no sexual attraction."
Ah. He never heard about it. He hums.
“It's a sexual orientation like any other. I identify with that. And I have no sexual feelings. Yet I'm not sex repulsed, I can enjoy it in fiction.”
Sex repulsed. “Hum, I didn't know people could be sex repulsed.”
“People can be many things.”
Hum. This makes sense. “I didn't feel repulsed when Mel and I… but I do feel uncomfortable. I pretended I wasn't, but through the whole thing I was only hoping for that to end soon. Even thinking makes me feel bad, or maybe it's what being repulsed means?”
He feels Viktor's hold on his hand getting tight, it's still soft. “I don't know, Jayce, you will have to find out, but what you went through sounds terrible.”
That felt terrible. “It's over now.”
“It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore, Jayce.”
Ah.
“You are right.”
“Of course I’m right.” He sounds serious. Then. “I don't like that you suffered, I really hate it.”
Tears slide on his face again. “Thank you.”
“That won't do. You will have to pull over again.”
He giggles through tears as he drives, searching for a place to park, their hands are still linked, the sky is grey, the rain going on, and finally he feels like he knows what he's doing. He's finally going home.