Chapter Text
She thought she could run from these feelings. Thought that if she put distance between them, the unrequited feelings would recede. Instead, they lingered, they grew. The crush turned into a like, into a love. A love that left her feeling empty, wallowing in misery. Every day was the same. She’d distracted herself with a quest. She and diamond set out to find others like themselves.They searched everywhere they could think of.
Search for more people like me, us. Diamond and I. People who we… I…can relate to. Who I can connect with.
Throughout their searches she started to realize she wasn’t interested in people like herself anymore. She never really was. She was only interested in one person. Somewhere along the line, she’d met a very lovely woman by the name of Ivy. They’d hit it off right away. For a while, Ivy became the perfect distraction. Until she wasn’t.
Every night was the same. She’d lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. It was the same at every place they’d stayed. Sometimes it was smooth, and perfectly white. Other times it was rough, cracks exposed and stained with years of smoke, producing the light beige tint. But one thing was always the same. She couldn’t stop seeing her. Her piercing blue eyes, her perfect, tiny nose. Her soft, inviting lips. The way her hair framed her freckle dusted face, giving her the most ethereal look. She missed her sorely.
Once she’d started dating Ivy, she thought things would change. And they did, for a couple of weeks. It worked until it didn’t. And she’d loathed herself for it. For having led this beautiful girl on. For having it been almost a year, and still not being able to get her off her mind.
‘Are we in this together?’
’I’m sorry Safi.’
Diamond noticed the changes. Noticed how Safi would shapeshift here and there in the beginning. The light sniffles in the early hours of the morning. She’d tried asking Safi if she wanted to talk about anything that was on her mind without prying too much. Safi would always shoot her down. A few months in, the shape shifting got more… extreme. There would be days, or even full weekends where Safi would become someone else entirely. Acting like them. Speaking like them. Studying them. She’d hope that when Safi started hanging out with Ivy, things would’ve gotten better. One night, after some much needed respite from them, she’d returned to their place. Ivy and Safi were arguing. It sounded serious. Diamond had tried to ignore them while putting her stuff away. She turned to walk back to the entrance to leave, when Ivy stopped her.
“It’s alright Diamond. I’m leaving.” She turned back to Safi. “I hope you find what you're looking for. I’m sorry you couldn’t find it in me. Goodbye, Safi.” She turned back around and walked past Diamond. She sniffled and mumbled, “Bye, Diamond. It was a pleasure getting to know you.“ The door opened softly , then closed just as quietly.
”What happened? Are you okay? Safi?”
”It ended. I’m fine. “ she murmured.
“Safi… “
”I said I’m fine.” Safi snapped back. She’d gathered some of her belongings, her keys and headed for the door. “Hey, do you want to talk about it? I—“ “I’m going to be out for a couple days. I need some time to… think. Thanks, Diamond. For everything.” Safi turned back around and reached the door. “Be safe. Please, Safi.” She turned the doorknob, opened the door and walked out. It slammed shut behind her.
During those two days while she was alone, she’d thought about her a lot more. She thought about what Ivy and her had fought about. Ivy had every right to be upset. It hadn’t been the first time she’d call her by a different name, in different moments. The last thread was when she’d said it while they were in bed. She reminisced about the day before yesterday. Ivy stopped everything immediately after that. They’d gotten dressed, and made their way to the living room. Words were exchanged, good and bad. “Why don’t you just go see her then?! Why can’t you just tell her how you feel? I can’t do this, live in someone else’s shadow. “ Safi stayed quiet after that. Ivy threw more words at her that went in one ear and right out the other. Why couldn’t Safi do just that? Right. Too many variables. What if she didn’t feel the same? What if she did, but it could never work out? Worse, what if she hated her. For leaving, because she didn’t agree with her. For never calling (what if she didn’t answer). For never really checking in. What if, what if, what if. As she laid on the motel bed, she thought about something else Ivy had told her. “As much as I can’t stand you right now, I still want you to be happy. You deserve it. Deserve to be loved the way you probably love her. You should call her up. Go see her. I’m sure she feels the same way. And if she doesn’t, at least you know.”
She thought about that part for a long while. ‘I’m sure she feels the same way. Yeah, right.’ Maybe she was right though. She’d still received texts and calls from her, albeit they’d abated more and more the longer she stayed away. ‘What if I just… visited. As someone else. Maybe see how she’s doing without actually being noticed.’ A plan that can go awry, but she didn’t care. Now she had something to look forward to. She was going to see her. But she needed to get into character beforehand.
The next couple of months were a blur. Safi had stayed in character for the remainder of their trip. Diamond was unnerved as Safi was living as Ivy. She took in everything she could from Ivy. She’d tried and failed to reason with Safi, as to why the sudden change. Eventually, Diamond got an idea of what was going down. She had never felt so sorry for her friend then in that moment. “I still think it's a bad idea. Going as someone other than yourself, you know…” “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.” Diamond sighed. “You know, she’s my friend too. And I don’t think she’d appreciate you spying on her, instead of just talking to her. I don’t want her getting hurt. Or you for th—“
“I think it’s best if we go our separate ways. I’m going back. You can continue on with your journey.”
“Safi. Really? I throw in my two cents and that’s it?”
She ignored her.
“I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Can you understand that? You're my friend, Safi. I—“
She cut her off again. “Then you should be on my side! “ Safi bit her tongue before she could say anything else she’d regret. “Look, you have your opinions, you're allowed. But I’m still doing this. With or without you.” Diamond gave her a somber look, “I’m sorry, Safi…”
‘I’m sorry Safi’
Safi chuckled dryly. “Like I said, I think it best. I’ll see you around Diamond. Thank you for sticking with me all this time. I’ll miss you.” She left.
____
Ever since she had left, Max’s life had felt hollow. The days felt colder, the nights unbearable. At first, she couldn’t handle it. Yes, she was upset with her. She didn’t understand how she could act like that. To be so selfish, using her powers without responsibility. Messing with everyone’s mind. Leaving her. She had talked to Moses about it, but in the end, it didn’t help as much as she’d wanted. As the days turned into weeks, into months, she’d gotten better. The hollowness didn't disappear, but she had gotten used to it. There were days where she’d received a single text from her. They’d tugged at her heart in ways she’d never imagined. She missed her best friend. She missed her witty remarks, her jokes that were sometimes a bit too much. Even her incessant taunts and teases that got on her nerves.
She missed the way they’d sit and talk for hours on end. The way her laughter resonated, sonorously. Or how her eyes crinkled in the corner when she’d smiled at her. She missed the way she made her feel, and how she felt around her. It took Max a few months to realize her feelings for the noirette. And when she did, it hurt all over again.
Sometimes when the nights had been longer than usual, Max had felt like she was gone forever. Like when she’d died. Those few days had been some of her worst. Lying in bed, crying day in, day out. Seeing her laying on the floor like that. She remembers thinking how she never got to tell her how grateful she was to have her in her life. And how much she cared for and loved her. She thought back to their happiest heartfelt moments. It started to feel like that again. Like she’d never see her. All she would have is their memories. The good and the bad.
She’d spend most of her free time with Moses or at the Snapping Turtle, with Amanda. They’d talk about what was going on in their lives. It was mostly a good time, aside from the fact that her mind would, without fail, wander back to Safi. What was she doing? Where was she? Is she okay? Was she alone? Has she… met anyone? Is she happy? She hoped that she had, because she deserves nothing less. A small selfish part of her hoped she hadn’t either. That she’d come back. That they would inevitably be together, even if it was just as friends.
She’d send her texts, and called her various times, but to no avail. All she’d gotten back were a couple of messages.
January
Max: Where are you? I’m sorry, I hope you’re okay.
February
Max: Hey, hope all is well with you.
Safi: Yeah, you too.
April
Max: I know you probably hate me, but you’ve got to understand where I’m coming from. Please.
July
Max: Can you at least let me know you’re ok?
Safi: I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.
August
Max: I miss you, Safi…
Quite a few things had changed since Safi had left. Max became a professor, she had gotten herself an agent who set out to find new projects and galleries to present her work. Caledon had a new president, Owen Teller, who is set to expand the campus. He also wants to eliminate the liberal arts program, resulting in a loss of Max’s position. She detested him, and what he stood for. Though, he was going to help Moses with his career, and she was happy for him. Moses didn’t quite like him either, and was going to do everything in his power to help her keep her position there. Aside from that mess that was to be, she focused on her class. Her students. In a way, it’s helped her get out of her own head. The more she focused on class, the less she thought about Safi. Although, she never entirely stopped thinking about her.
___
It’s September, and the weather outside is up to par. She decides to take her class outdoors.
“But when I turn my camera on one person and focus on trying to see them—really see them—I can feel a connection happen through the camera. So, look out there, find someone you don’t know, someone who grabs your attention. Someone you want to connect with. Your assignment today. Go take their picture.”
Her class groans in unison. She hears a few complaints, so she decides to lead by example. ”Fine. I’ll go first, show you guys how easy it can be.” Max walks away from them, and looks around. She notices a woman sitting on the top of a picnic table. She’s reading a book Max has seen before. Max is enthralled with the woman. She makes her way over to her, quiet so as not to spook her.
“Hey. Sorry to bother you. My name’s Max. I’m a photographer.” The woman sighs delightfully, looks up, and behind Max. She sees the pile of students observing them. She turns her attention back to the photographer. Her breath hitches in the slightest way possible. It has been about nine months since she’s last seen her. Max looks the same way she’d remembered her, except only…despondent. There is no spark in her voice or actions. It takes everything in her to not throw her book aside and take Max into her arms in a tight embrace. She quickly shakes the thoughts and chuckles. “I gather that, Max.” Max smiles, and the woman returns it. “Uh, I was wondering if I could take a photo of you. I’m actually teaching a class right now and wanted to show them how to get out of their comfort zone so they can take pictures of people they find interesting.” The student smirks. “Hm.” Max continues, her voice slightly lower. “It would also save me from looking super lame in front of my students. Please?”
“Sure. Just so you don’t look super lame. Wouldn’t wanna be the cause of your public humiliation. Shoot away.” The student replies, then asks, “Question. Why me?” Max bashfully chuckles. “I was intrigued by you. Reading your book like that, as if the world around you didn't exist.”
“Intriguing am I?” She smirks again, and lifts her book back up and tries to concentrate again without feeling like she's being watched by an entire audience.
She reads.
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
She scoffs lightly, a smile playing on her lips.
‘Of course this is what I land on.’
She continues reading, thinking of Max. Of how much she’s actually missed her. Of how, even though she’s in front of her, she still misses her. She looks up and their eyes meet. She holds her gaze longer than intended, and clears her throat. Focusing back on the book, she can’t help but keep on thinking about the woman in front of her. Nine months without seeing her felt like an eternity. Now she’s here. In her proximity, only Safi is hiding. ‘Why am I so afraid? Why can’t I just tell her how I feel?’ She casts her eyes in the photographer’s direction once more.
Click
“It’s got to be a good poem to have you looking like that.” Max smiles, walking up to Safi. “It’s… more so the person I’m thinking about. How’s the picture? Wait— how did you know it's a poem?” Max’s grin falters a bit. “I have a friend who used to read that book all the time. Give me a minute. The photo needs to fully develop. “ Safi heart flutters. ‘She remembers.’ “Your friend has good taste. Used to?”
“I’m not sure if she does anymore. I haven’t seen her in a while.” She looks down at the photo and grins. “Here, take a look.” She hands the photo over to Safi, who is still pretending to be Ivy. Safi takes it and hums. “You’ve got a good eye, Caulfield.” As soon as it slips out, she panics.
“Thanks. And thank you, for being my muse for the moment.”
“Anytime.” She mumbles and hops off the table. “I’ve gotta go now, uhm, nature calls.” She grabs her book and takes off. Max, on the other hand, is stuck looking at the photo. ‘Her eyes. Her attitude. The boo—Wait, did she call me Caulfield?’ She looks back up and sees the student a great distance away from her now. With her heart picking up its pace, she turns back to her students.
“That looked…intense.” Says Reggie. Max sighs. “It sorta was. In a good way. Alright, now that I’ve demonstrated, it's time for you guys to give it a shot. I’ll be right back.” She turns and heads in the direction of which the student walked off to, hoping she could catch up.
‘It can’t be, can it?’
Her mind is racing, her legs more so. Turn after turn she searches for her. ’Why is she here? Why is she hiding? Who is she pretending to be? Why didn’t she come talk to me as herself? Is she stalking me? How did she know to be here of all places? Where is she!?
The overlook.’
Max checks the time, class is still in session. She walks back to the quad, deciding to cut class early. “Alright guys, we’re gonna end it here. I hope you all got a chance to get some good shots. If not, we will pick this up again next class.” There are a few murmurs amongst the students but they comply. After getting the equipment put away, and back in their place, she makes her way to the overlook.