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It was a tough day. Tougher than most. Suguru always said ‘it’s not a big deal’ and that, ‘I can handle it’. But today he was tired enough to ask for help. At the end of their mission, Satoru found him lying down against the wall of a local bookstore. The area had been cleared out of any citizens, so there was no one to witness what had happened. Suguru was still awake and not unconscious by any means. The mission was over, and he knew that Satoru would somehow find him at the end. His whole body was overcome with nausea. It wasn’t a new fact that Suguru’s technique took a massive toll on him, physically and mentally. The curses he had to swallow tasted atrocious. He was tired from having to do his job today. Suguru was the intelligent one, the levelheaded one. It meant that he also took the weight of the world on his shoulders. He contemplated his role in jujutsu society often. He weighed over the concept of being strong and weak in the world they lived in. Moments like these only made things worse for him. He had thoughts that he didn’t want to act on, but he was scared that one day he would. His head hung low, along with his hunched posture.
He heard footsteps, he wasn’t bothered to be threatened by them as he knew who it was. Even his footsteps had a bit of smug written all over them. Satoru had an intricate nature. He and Suguru would often fight because of their difference in certain opinions, but they also only had each other. Other friends weren’t really in the margin of their closeness, there were seldom any words to describe their relationship. Satoru would make silly remarks about it sometimes but Suguru always shrugged it off. Satoru often wanted to show some love in front of others, but Suguru was a private person in general. He was the one to remember the intimate moments and all the firsts they had. But his pride and thoughts prevented him from acting on anything he felt. His feelings were often pushed down, just like the curses he ingested. Everyone knew how unbearable Satoru could be, but they also knew he truly cared about them all and wanted to protect them.
The footsteps stopped, right in front of Suguru’s legs. Satoru bent down to try and see Suguru’s face. He lifted his messed-up black hair and pushed his head to rest on the wall. Suguru still had his eyes closed but his body left a sigh. His head felt warm and he was breaking a sweat without reason. Satoru was worried, so he moved closer to him.
‘Hey, can you talk?’
‘Yeah.’ Suguru’s voice cracked.
‘I’m taking you to Shoko,’ Satoru said in a haste.
‘No, no.’ Suguru opened his eyes a tiny bit and sat up to fix his posture. ‘I just have that,’ he said pointing towards a rip in his pants, ‘so it should be fine.’
Satoru lifted the fabric to reveal a large gash on his right shin. Impaled by a piece of metal that had ripped through his muscle. Suguru had experienced worse but Satoru couldn’t help but feel restless about the situation. He knew exactly how strong his best friend was, but worry overtook him.
‘Yeah I don't care, we are going.’ He said and lifted up his friend.
‘Stop.’ Suguru tried to push him away but he had no energy left, he accepted the help and gave up.
They got picked up and dropped off to Shoko, who had already been informed by Satoru that they were on their way. She healed him with her usual facade of non-chalance, and told Satoru to be ‘extra sensitive’ before they left. Suguru and Satoru had been drifting apart for a few weeks now, with Satoru really focusing on perfecting his techniques and Suguru’s mind swaying to thoughts that he never thought he’d have. He’d been confiding a bit in Shoko, telling her things that he’d never dare speak of in front of Satoru. The distance was increasing, and everyone could feel it.
They got dropped off at their dormitory, Satoru helped him take a seat on the edge of his bed.
‘I’m gonna take a bath, you should do the same.’ Said Suguru, tracing over where his injury was, he could feel a phantom of the pain.
‘I don’t wanna be alone.’ Satoru replied, facing a wall.
‘Ok, stay with me then.’ Suguru smiled. They both smiled.
He knew Satoru too well.
Satoru prepared a steaming bath. He got in first at one end and waited, he could see the reflection of Suguru combing his hair in the mirror.
‘The water is going to get cold.’ He splashed a bit with his fingers.
Suguru walked over and got in the tub, some water spilling over. He sat with his knees to chest, hugging them. They stared daggers into each other's eyes, not knowing what to say. Satoru inched his foot towards Suguru’s, touching their toes, this earned him a smile.
‘Let me wash your back.’ Said Satoru.
Suguru turned around, trying his best not to splash anymore water and sat down in between Satoru’s legs. He moved his long, half wet hair to the front and started sponging his back. He cleared the soap with the bath water and kissed the back of Suguru’s shoulder. He hugged him from the back, holding his torso in a tight grip, and resting his head on the back of his neck. He thought that maybe he could recover their relationship by closing the gap physically.
‘You’re ok?’ He asked Suguru.
‘Mhm.’ Suguru looked back and kissed his cheek.
‘I’m gonna go put on fresh sheets, you take your time.’ Satoru got up and rinsed himself.
His head was heavy with intuition, something he couldn't put a finger on. Like something was going to get away from him, that there wasn’t enough time, that his love was lost. He told himself it was probably nothing. He got dressed in a pair of Suguru’s pyjama shorts and a white t-shirt. He brought over clean sheets from his room, realising that he could’ve worn his own clothes but that maybe it's better this way.
Suguru was wallowing, drawing circles in the half empty bath tub. Things were slowly getting worse, he was trying so hard, but he wasn’t able to communicate with anyone at all. He was strong, why was he feeling this way? It felt like things had been slipping away ever since Riko’s death. The sound of the gunshot, the bloodstain that’s still there, the few minutes for which he believed that Satoru had died. Maybe it would’ve been better if they'd just taken Riko and disappeared. Not that it could ever last, but maybe he could handle it because he would have Satoru beside him, and he’s not sure about that anymore.
He got up, with a heavy head he cleaned himself. Too tired to wash his hair, and with the endless impulsive thoughts, he still felt dirty. As he exited the bathroom, he was surprised to see his room like never before. Satoru had put on fresh sheets and a new duvet, there were several lit candles all around the room, the window was cracked just enough so that you could hear the pitter-patter of the rain. Satoru was reading one of the magazines, manspreading on his desk chair.
‘What is all this?’ He asked, hanging his towel on the back of the door.
‘Huh? Oh nothing I don't know. Thought it would be relaxing.’ Satoru said being coy.
Satoru knew the physical strength they had, they could in fact rule the world if they wanted to, but he knew that it would never be the same mentally, and also that Suguru had been struggling. They both had dealt with the aftermath of Riko’s death very differently.
Suguru walked towards him, hugged him and kissed his forehead, feeling guilty and like a damsel. He got into bed, snuggled up in the blanket and asked Satoru to get in with him. Satoru got up and got under the covers immediately. The warmth of them being beside each other, now spreading. The candle flames fluttered alongside the trees outside with the cool breeze. Suguru had closed his eyes, wondering why Satoru won't hug him. He turned his face to look at the man beside him, only to find him laying on his back staring at the ceiling. He took Satoru’s right hand and put it around his waist, so that he could be the little spoon (for once). Satoru realized the urgency, hugged him and brought his body closer to Suguru’s. Soon they both started breathing slower, the rain fluctuated and slowly came to a pause. Hours passed and they didn’t move, in deep sleep, unaware that this would be one of the last such moments they would ever share.
In the days after, Suguru wasn’t necessarily getting better but he was managing, and Satoru was constantly trying to investigate, be there for him without it being too obvious. But soon after it was Haibara who died. Satoru regretted not saying something and wondered why he wasn’t enough.