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that wasn’t supposed to happen.
michael pulled back quickly and looked around, trying to find an eye to catch that would tell him anything reassuring. preferably ashtons, because he always managed to light things up a little.
but even in his drummers face there was nothing to be found but amused shock. calum next to him was looking back at michael wide-eyed, slightly grinning aswell.
the face that would usually calm michael down the most whenever he got into situations was the one face he could under no circumstance look at right now. not after just having come closer to it than he was ever supposed to again.
closing his eyes wasn’t an option either, because instead of a calming black, all michael could see were the deepest blue eyes he’d ever looked in, eyes he had once promised himself never to get lost in again.
the rest of his senses were slowly returning and michael realized that everything was still loud, bright, and energized around him. right, they were supposed to be freaking out about winning the boyband award a 20th time. movement was coming back into the band after what could’ve only been a few seconds of confusion, amazement, panic and whatever luke was feeling that michael hadn’t identified, spread between the band.
there was no time to think about the implications of what had just occurred while “celebrating” the award. a fan was waiting on stage to present them with the golden trophy, michael could see her excitedly bouncing around trying to catch a look at the band she was about to get to meet for a moment.
when at least in her expression michael saw nothing but pure bliss, he decided the meaning of what he’d just done could and had to wait for later. he gulped down the lump that had formed in his throat and quickly stepped up the stairs to the stage, trailing behind his band.
ashton was the first to reach the fan, taking the award and celebrating with the crowd. calum came second, he hugged the overjoyed girl, still fully immersed in the “surprise” of winning the award again.
in front of michael was luke. he went up to the fan, hugged her and looked around the stage and the crowd with his wide beautiful grin that michael wished would be addressed to him, just for a little reduction of the panic that was still rumbling in his stomach. luke seemed calm. put-together even after what had just happened.
he didn’t even look back at michael. because he had to perform. that’s the reason, michael told himself. we’ve never had time to stand and stare around after this part of the show.
with a few more steps, he too had reached the fan, hugging and thanking her for the award.
michael really hoped she didn’t realize that his thoughts were somewhere else entirely, this was her moment and god forbid he should taint her forever-memory with being distracted by his own faults while interacting with her.
reaching the microphone he shared with calum to thank the arena after winning the award, michael gratefully realized that cal had taken over their nonsense speech for the most part, pulling michael closer to yell something about his greatness to the crowd.
as their speeches came to an end, michael had to quickly get back in focus playing his guitar. as far as he could tell, he hadnt messed up so far, but playing and singing became increasingly harder while simultaneously fighting two urges: the first was to drop everything, run off the stage, and maybe go drown in that surfing river they had seen earlier before the show. before michael had ruined his life, a little voice in his head noted.
the other urge was to run up to luke and let loose everything that had been bundled up inbetween them for the last few years. to carve a way for an avalanche that michael had already set off accidentally by giving in to feelings he had locked up safely in a deep crevice of his soul for about ten years. feelings that were supposed to be far gone, moved on from, discarded from his adult life. feelings that for a good while michael thought he had actually finally gotten over, at least mostly.
but the constant close proximity between him and luke, the nods to back in the day included even in the tours theme, all of it had stoked the little flame inside him that michael never really managed to put out. he felt like a fire had ignited inside of him anew, and just like years ago he had no idea how to stop it from spreading.
so now michael stood on stage, thousands of people looking up at him, ashton behind him, calum somewhere to his side, and luke in his full glory at the front of the stage. michael felt like he could see him shining, he couldn't tell though if it was the arenas lights or his own head making him feel more insane. as much as he tried to, for the sake of the quality of his guitar-playing and also his mental wellbeing, michael could not keep his eyes off of his lead singer.
his tall, broad-shouldered lead singer that could for some reason pull off jet black hair after looking like the sun personified for years, his lead singer who sang every song with a voice michael wasn't sure anyone but the angels above were meant to hear. his lead singer that sometimes came up to him during shows to play his guitar, with a look in his eye that made michael weak in the knees, just to act like nothing happened right after.
most importantly though, his lead singer that he had known for almost two decades. his lead singer with whom he had spent the worst times of both their lives, his luke who he used to fall asleep next to, just because it was easier that way. his luke with whom he used to share more than just glances.
michael deliberately did not take note of the implications of the fact that within this train of thought, the objective “his lead singer” had turned into “his luke”.
everything seemed so normal. the show was going on as usual and a tiny sliver of surreal hope in michael sparked up, arguing that maybe, no one had even realized what he´d done. maybe no one in the arena knew that michael had made the one mistake he had been so careful not to make for years. the cameras might have been on ashton and calum, or on the award-girl. maybe he could brush it off later.
but realistically, just about everyone in the munich arena had just a few minutes ago seen him kiss luke hemmings while offstage for the boyband award section. and even if they hadnt, luke certainly had.
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it was supposed to be a fakeout, a little tease for their fans online with whom the band had been taking turns interacting, specifically a video ashton had reposted on the band account that requested “when michael and luke would finally kiss”. as this got traction, more and more fans had joined the campaign for a “muke kiss”, and ashton had the glorious idea to pretend like they were actually going to kiss.
he hadn't calculated in that michael didn't actually trust himself within the vicinity of lukes lips without returning to old habits. ashton didn't know that michael actually yearned for those same lips to belong to him again, in an unspoken yet for a time unbreakable promise.
they had all laughed it off, just leaving the suggestion hanging in the air between them and michael wondered if it really was such a big deal only to him or if maybe luke felt a little burning in the back of his throat aswell. if maybe he too lay awake that night, thinking about what it would mean to let him get that close again.
it wasn’t brought it up again before the show the next night.
it had begun like every other show. michael was used to yearning on stage, he’d been perfecting the art ever since the band first started performing. luke had the entire arena captivated with everything he had, his voice filling out the sound system like it was carrying a golden glitter within it, marching around the stage like it belonged to him. it kind of did, michael had thought.
in the back of his mind he had still been considering the idea of pretending to kiss luke. for the fans. whatever. he was certain that his lead singer had forgotten about the vague proposal though, so he tried not to think too hard about cupping luke’s face with his hand and pulling him closer by the waist and-
somehow, michael had gotten through a good third of the show even with these thoughts constantly on his mind. he was considering changing the password to the bands tiktok account so ashton could never be inspired to come up with ideas like these again.
when it was time to get off stage for the boyband award, michael had almost stumbled over his own feet because luke suddenly walked about 4 inches behind him. he could almost feel him breathe on his neck. then it became even worse because luke started talking.
“so, what about that kiss?”, he’d almost whispered into michael’s ear.
michael spun around. “sorry??” was the only reply he could muster up, especially since he found himself even closer to luke’s face than he thought he’d be.
“y’know. we were going to pretend to go in for a kiss. ragebait the people.”, luke had replied with his stupidly beautiful grin. michael could barely believe he had used that term while referring to the two of them kissing. maybe “evil luke” was a more accurate nickname than he’d thought.
“uh. yeah, well.”, michael replied. he didn’t really know what to say. he had considered: “we cannot seriously pretend to kiss to make people crazy even though it used to make us crazy, luke hemmings.”, but what came out was: “maybe we should. do that.”.
of course, lukes face had gotten the best of him. some sick part of michael wanted to do it. getting as close as possible to his lead singer without it having to mean anything sounded great actually.
lukes grin got bigger and for a second michael thought he saw something glint in his eyes.
“okay. just go along with it.”. and then he winked at him and michael thought he’d do anything luke asked him to ever.
so then his concentration was fully gone. all michael had on his mind was what would happen next. how far luke would go while pretending to kiss him. would it be a simple lean-in or would michael get to avoid his reflection in luke’s diamond eyes just once more?
the fan had been led on stage to present the trophy, the arena was overjoyed as if the award really meant something big for the band. the announcement started playing.
michael felt his face heating up and he thought he might be almost as red as his hair. what the fuck was he supposed to do if luke actually planned to fake kiss him. he couldn’t even figure out what that entailed, and the only thought spinning around his head were lukes lips on his own. no matter how hard he tried to concentrate on anything else, michael felt like he was back to his state of mind from years ago. and it became more and more apparent to him how terrible of an idea this whole kiss fake out was.
just as michael was about to turn to luke and somehow signal to him that they should not do whatever he was planning to do, luke had turned to him aswell, tilting his head and smirking at michael. it seemed he’d missed the mark.
a split second longer, michael considered just turning away. he knew this wasn’t an actual possibility, but he at least tried to consider it. and then luke came even closer and michael forgot everything that was happening around him, everything that they’d talked about, what this situation was actually supposed to be.
he just leaned in like he had so many times before. and because it was like so many times before, michael didn’t think of stopping right before luke’s face, like he was supposed to. he just went all the way.
when their lips first made contact, michael could feel luke tense up a little, but after a first initial shock, he kissed back. the kiss could’ve only lasted a second, but michael breathed luke in, trying to make up for all the times he couldn’t. it was like something stronger than his head took control over him. time stopped for him and all that was going around his head was how long he hadn’t been allowed to feel luke like this.
what tugged him back into reality was the announcers voice shouting “5 seconds of summer!!”.
in that moment, luke moved back and michael noticed that his hand had been lingering on his lead singers waist, as if out of habit.
then, fully pulling him out of his immersion, the arena had erupted in cheers as it started to dawn on michael what he had just done.
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thinking through the entire ordeal over and over again wasn't helping michael feel any less panicked about it.
the rest of the show went by him like a dream, whatever thoughts he could manage to form consisted of a mix of memory of lukes face too close to his, possible excuses he could make up to explain himself later (he couldnt think of any, but he tried for good measure.), lukes lips on his, his hand on lukes waist and most prevalently the reality that he had completely fucked up the one moment he was allowed to get close to him again.
and then there were the small sparks of hope that maybe, just maybe luke wasn't entirely disgusted by him. after all, he hadn't pushed him away, michael thought he might've leaned in a little. and even now luke was interacting with him normally, their little on-stage interactions going by as usual, even if michael wasn't registering most of them fully.
at some point, after missing his cue three times, michael decided there were too many questions spinning around his head that he couldn't answer right now anyway, the problems had to wait until after the show. all he could do currently was try to get his shit together and finish playing to the 15.000 people that did not want to hear him fuck up on the guitar just because he had an inner conflict about still being in love with his lead singer after almost 15 years.
this fact was the one thing michael was certain of now. he had never stopped thinking about luke the way he used to, no matter how many years went by of them just being bandmates and best friends, and he was probably never going to. it wasn’t too hard to come to terms with this because somewhere in his soul hed known it all along.
with his thoughts pushed to the back of his mind, michael somehow made it to the end of the show.
while going down the elevator from the stage, the lingering feeling of doom returned to him and he wished it was going a little slower so he could come up with a fast way to escape the inescapable questioning that was to follow the band being left alone.
his three bandmates were jumping off the little platform now and michael knew he had to aswell. any hopeful thoughts about everything being okay after what he'd done were escaping him and michael stared at the floor as his throat started to close up. he vaguely registered the other three not moving an inch away, they were all standing in front of him as if waiting for an explanation. he couldnt look any of them in the face, fearing whatever judgement or disgust they would be expressing towards him
just as he was planning to just storm past them and maybe run away forever, calum started talking: “mikey are you okay? you seemed kinda out of it for a good while…did something happen?”.
michaels face immediately shot up to look at his best friend because he thought he wasn't hearing right. ‘did something happen?’ was one thing he wasnt planning on having to answer, because everyone had fucking seen what happened.
but when his eyes met calums, he was met with genuine concern, no hint of mockery to be found in either his voice or face.
“yea, uh. yea im..good”, he managed to get out as his panic started turning into confusion. calum tilted his head at him, probably not believing a word michael was saying, but eventually nodded and smiled at him.
maybe he had dreamed it all up, michael thought for a split second. maybe his fixation on luke had gotten so bad that he hallucinated kissing him. he knew this wasnt true though, because he knew that his mind couldn't perfectly replicate how kissing luke felt, hed tried and failed many times before.
calum probably just wanted to make the situation less awkward for him, and michael was thankful for that, even though feeling pitied made his throat hurt again.
the bassist had begun walking down the corridor leading away from the stage now, ashton behind him, after shrugging and grinning at michael. he seemed to be slightly less concerned than calum, although michael thought he could still see something on his face he couldn't quite identify.
puzzled over both of his bandmates reactions, michael didn't realize that not following them to their dressing room right now meant to end up in the one scenario he had been too scared to even consider. being left alone with luke, who he still hadn't mustered up the courage to look at.
he felt frozen in place as his mind started to race again. what would he do if luke was mad at him? what if he was disgusted? or worse, what if luke, too, pitied him, because he knew that this was more than just an accidental kiss to michael? luke didnt seem to make any attempt at leaving and michael wished the ground would swallow him whole.
“sooo.”, luke began to speak after about ten seconds that felt like hours, “i guess the fans got what they wanted after all”, he chuckled.
michael, who was starting to feel nauseous, tried to scan lukes voice for a sign of anything he could build a reaction on without looking at him directly.
“hey, look at me mikey”, luke continued, however, and michael obliged immediately. they all used that nickname for him often, but hearing it from luke right now steadied michael like a life vest would.
he turned his head around and was met with the most beautiful face he'd ever seen. luke didn't look any different than he did onstage just a few minutes ago, but even in the dark below the stage, he seemed illuminated by his own light and michael could count the stars in his eyes. his lead singer had the softest smile on his face, no trace of pity or anything else michael had feared anywhere on his face.
“you should tell me beforehand next time. we couldve made that kiss look even better.”, luke said, and then had the audacity to wink at michael, who almost fell to the floor in surprise.
the lump of fear in his throat slowly and cautiously began to turn into one of relief.
“i didnt- i. uh that was not-”, michael began to stutter out, but luke stopped him by putting his hand on michaels, instantly shutting him up.
“i know.”, luke replied, still smiling. he looked at him for a moment, then added: “i know you weren't planning that. it just happened. i almost…did the same thing, you know… its kind of like falling back into old habits. you beat me to it.”.
michael had stopped breathing at this point and fell into a coughing fit. to steady him, lukes hand moved up to michaels upper arm and he just kept it there as michael was getting his breath back, slowly moving his thumb as if to smooth the ripples in his bandmates mind.
“‘you okay?”, luke asked, as michael was wiping tears from coughing (and from silently crying a little before) from his eyes. michael nodded, even though looking at luke almost made his eyes well up with tears again.
“yes the, the habits thing. i think thats. yea. i kind of, lost myself.”, he said then, a little more steady.
it was luke who was suddenly struggling to get his words out now. still running his hand over michaels arm, he stared off into the dark behind them for a short while before quietly saying: “or maybe…found yourself again?”. he looked back at michael, an almost pleading look on his face.
just by seeing the way luke looked at him at this point, it started to dawn on michael that maybe, just maybe, he was not the only one still stuck on ten years ago.
so, instead of hastily denying that any of what was between them in the past still haunted him every time he looked at luke, he just nodded, slow at first but increasingly certain.
lukes smile came back even brighter than before at this confirmation. “well. i feel like we could have rekindled this thing somewhat better.”
when michael didn't react, still somehow fearing that this was all a campaign to humiliate him forever, luke, having gained his composure back, added :”what im saying is, we should start kissing more often again.”
“oh.”, michael answered, “oh okay yea. sure.”.
then he started giggling like a madman because years of doubt and fear were falling off of him all at once. the amount of frustrated tears he couldve saved if he had known how easy everything could be.
luke also began to chuckle again, his eyes softening even more beneath his smudged eyeliner.
when they both settled down, lukes hand moved down from michaels arm to his hand again. he looked into his eyes for a while and michael looked back, finally certain that he was allowed to lose himself in their glow again.
then, luke leaned forward and gently placed a kiss onto michaels lips. it was quick and it was small, but michael didnt feel like he had to chase after it. they had their time back.
one more thing was lingering on his mind, however.
when luke stepped back, michael thought for a second and then asked:”did ash and cal know about…this? i feel like they should've been able to figure out why i was so off on stage tonight.”
“oh, no. i didnt tell them anything. i think they just assumed we planned the whole thing.”, luke replied, as if it was normal for their bandmates to assume they'd just start kissing again after years of what had apparently been mutual pining. michael almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the entire situation.
luke pulled on michaels hand that he was still holding now: ”im tired and ashton and calum are probably making up ways to make fun of us already. come on, lover!”
letting those words just electrify the air between them with no care in the world, he began leading michael towards their dressing room. the latter thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest as he stumbled after luke.
michael wondered if he would survive how much more bold luke had evidently gotten over the years. but at least now he finally had the chance to find out.