Chapter Text
Ena never thought of herself as lost, as she'd like to think, but when it came to love, it seemed to be the opposite. She was blindsided when it came to unrequited love, she never knew the difference of when someone actually loved you compared to how they may preserve their hidden hatred towards you. Mizuki, as Ena would long for, never let anyone see her true emotions, and that in itself, made it even harder for Ena to read her true feelings. She was so hidden away that Ena so badly wanted to break through those walls and find out how she was truly feeling, but she knew it was impossible, even with her keeping a large secret away from her. She'd promised to Mizuki how she would wait forever, but Ena didn't know how long forever even was. To be frank, she was growing impatient, impatient in the lack of trust, impatient with the hidden secrets she denied of anyone from seeing, impatient of everything about this. It was sickening in a way, and Ena didn't know if she could ever make it past that.
Sure, she understood boundaries, but she couldn't help but feel that way, especially to someone she knew who she loved with all her heart. Mizuki, her undying love of her life stripped her of everything she wanted, no, needed to know about her, and it broke her heart bits by bits. She knew it wasn't Mizuki’s fault that she was like this, but it still hurt nonetheless. She would do anything to get to know what her secret was, even if it meant losing herself to succumb to someone she knew she wasn't. Ena was desperate, and she would always be desperate whether it be her love for Mizuki, her innate urge to be a perfectionist at every little thing she does, or just anything she's ever thought of. Her art was always mediocre, there was no changing that, but something she could change was the two’s relationship. It was wrong, it was a desperate attempt to get Mizuki to like her, but she just couldn't help it. She needed to pry everything out of her, and that meant forcing her to say every little thing out of that annoying, pretty mind of hers.
Ew, she really needed to stop thinking like this. At this rate, she may as well presented herself as a fucking weirdo, which she knew she was. Ena would merely sigh, tapping her stylus against her tablet as she had spaced out, hard at that. Ena would jump at the sound of Mizuki's laughter. Right… they were still in their N25 meeting. Every meeting grew even harder to focus as she thought of Mizuki more and more, but she had to snap herself back into the present. “Ena, you've been awfully silent today, are you okay?” Kanade would question, Ena suddenly sweat dropping as she noticed everyone's sudden silence. She had to come up with something, quick. “Y-Yeah! Totally fine, I'm just… super focused on my art… yeah.” Ena would stumble out, internally facepalming herself. Really? That was the most lame excuse she had ever used in her life. The silence consumed the call again as the three seemed to agree that she was in fact, not okay. “That was so painfully fake that it makes me want to vomit.” Mafuyu would express bluntly, Ena stumbling on her words as she tried to deny it. “T-that was not fake at all! You're just… just…” Ena would start up, though seeming at a loss for words.
“Ena,” Mizuki would begin, her voice making her stomach flutter with butterflies. “Maybe you should take a break? You've been working really hard lately and we're all concerned for you, take a few days off, yeah?” Mizuki would suggest, though making it obvious that she was worried in her tone of voice. Ena had to say something, she couldn't even last a day without Mizuki, which was something she was not proud of. “No! I'm fine.” Ena would blurt out, the loudness of her voice echoing through the call as she shamefully sat down at that realization, their face cams couldn't have made that more than obvious. “Are you sure?” Mizuki would ask in concern, which was usually so unlike them in comparison to their usual banter every call, which was something she secretly enjoyed doing with the other girl. She would stare at Mizuki's slightly blurry cam, noticing the way how the girl's brows were raised as she seemed to analyze Ena's every features to see if she was okay with going on, urgh, she really needed to focus otherwise they really would force her to take a break. Ena would forcefully let out a shaky sigh, nodding as a fake, yet earnest smile was plastered onto her face.
Mizuki didn't seem to believe it, but she would let Ena continue if she truly wanted to. That's what Ena loved about Mizuki, she was always so considerate and observant of what other's feel, it was just as if she could read other people's minds. Actually, Ena wished she could because then, she would know how much Ena loved the girl and it would be so much easier to confess that way instead of having her blabber her feelings off and end up embarrassing herself because she can't find the right words to say. Yeah, talk about embarrassing right there. Ena would sigh as she brought her attention back into the call, talking to the others and responding to their questions as they would continue working on their brandest new song as per usual, they never quite seemed to stop the production of songs, so long as people on the sidelines heavily supported them. Their songs were all about real feels, they projected their feelings into each and every single one of their lyrics, and somehow, it made them understand each other even more through that. It was their way of communicating with one another instead of saying it directly, and of course, it was something they used quite often.
Their quadruple never failed to properly express their feelings to each other even if it doesn't come out the right way, they could never be mad at each other no matter the cause because to be frank, all they had was each other, including a small bunch of friends to the side whom they hardly talked to, but that didn't really matter much to them. Out of all of them, Mizuki found it easier to make friends because she were the most talkative out of the bunch, but sometimes Ena couldn't help but notice the weird looks certain students would give her every time she passed by them, what was up with that? She always considered confronting them but Mizuki always discouraged it, she herself seeming… uncomfortable with them. But why? Ena had to figure that out one day, but that day wouldn't be today. As the group finally bid their goodbyes and left the call one by one, it seemed to just be Ena and Mizuki in the call now, making Ena sweat drop as she waited for Mizuki to leave first, but, she didn't.
Mizuki seemed to falter, almost as if she wanted to say something, so Ena would listen to her on full ears. “Ena, you know, sometimes… I notice the looks you give me.” Mizuki would suddenly start, making Ena's heart stop. What? “What do you… mean?” Ena would gulp, looking around the room as if that would do anything to prevent the upcoming words that Mizuki would say. Mizuki would sigh, which opted Ena to look back at her screen and back to Mizuki's face, she looked lost herself, yet a little… uncomfortable? Did she do that? “The looks you give me, I feel like… there's more to them, that you won't say.” Mizuki would mutter out, having her arms wrap around herself as Ena would stare in concern. “I don't think I give you any looks of the sort, are you okay, Mizuki?” Ena would confront, worried about the girl as this was completely unlike the pink-haired girl. “I don't know, I'm scared.” Mizuki would seemingly whisper out, afraid of something that wasn't there. “Scared of what? You can tell me.” Ena would condone, offering Mizuki a listening ear.
“I'm scared of messing things up.” Is what Mizuki would say at last, which made Ena confused, scared of messing what up? “I don't understand, you don't mess anything up, what are you so worried about?” Ena would interrogate, making Mizuki shiver under her gaze. “I know how you feel about me,” Mizuki would finally confess, making Ena's face go pale. How did she…? No, she was clearly thinking of the wrong thing, right? "What do you mean?” Ena would laugh nervously, Mizuki's eyes only seeming to glimmer with… tears. Oh. “I know that you love me,” Mizuki would say at last, making Ena go pale once again. “What…? No, you're…” Ena would start, trying to deny every bit of her assumptions, though it went unsuccessful, was she being rejected? “But… how do you… know? How do you feel?” Ena would stutter out, curious on how she knew and how she felt knowing that Ena liked her that way. Mizuki only seemed to fall on deaf ears, which made Ena all the more nervous as she had received no response. Mizuki seemed to be processing on what to say, what to think, and she would finally express that. “I'm sorry, Ena. I can't.” She'd puff out, making Ena's heart shatter. Oh. This is what heartbreak felt like. It was hard for Ena to breathe in the moment, but she knew she couldn't leave her hanging. “It's… okay. I understand… I think.” Ena would rumble out lowly, making Mizuki's head go down even lower as to make sure Ena couldn't see her expression.
“Let's… stay as friends, yeah?” Mizuki would finally mutter out, making Ena's breath go slack, she had no choice but to agree. It was better than going no contact at least. “Okay…” Ena would hesitantly agree, she was tired of this. Her mental health had already been rocky, but after her plain rejection? She could feel something begin to blossom in her throat. Maybe it was just the uncertainty of the future settling in as she tried to imagine what their relationship would be like after tonight. Would their dynamic still remain the same? With all the teasing and whatnot? Or would that stop completely? She didn't want it to stop, but if it's what Mizuki wanted to happen, she would let it happen because she wasn't a complete monster. “Well… see you tonight…” Mizuki would whisper out, Ena nodding as she clocked out of the call, leaving Ena to herself. Damn. She could have stopped her, convinced her that it wasn't true, but she wasn't exactly the best liar. She hated lying, and something about that would be her worst nightmare. Ena would sigh to herself and she left the call, the silence ringing through her head as the tears welled up in her eyes.
At least she knew how exactly Mizuki felt about her, nothing more than just a friend, huh? Something about that hurt, she didn't know what, but she knew that her throat was clogging up with… she didn't know how to describe the feeling. It felt different this time around, and she didn't want to figure out what it was. Ena would stand on both her feet, her body feeling heavy and she trudged herself to her bed and flopped onto it pathetically, but who could blame her? Rejections stung, especially when you love the person more than what you can imagine. Ena would hopelessly think about their next call, how would that go? Would things go back to how they always were? Would they keep up the facade and forget about the whole rejection? Or would they just avoid each other? Ugh, she couldn't think of the possibilities right now, not when it would consume her until she couldn't find the motive to sleep. Her sleep schedule had already been wonky though, so she just decided to stand on both feet again and grab her tablet, deciding to draw her feelings out as she would normally do.
As always, it had helped her express her emotions and sometimes, if she really enjoyed her art (which was quite rare,) she would post it online even despite the fact that no one would see it anyway. And so, Ena brought up her stylus and began her drawing, a little here and there, the strokes of her pen would dance across her tablet, her art her dad had called “unworthy of others to see” would only be hers to perserve. With the color scheme changing, it would turn into something she would recognize for years to come, it would contain Mizuki in it, alongside the small touches of dark, shallow parts of her hidden emotions of how she truly felt about the reaction Mizuki had given her. Her art was like a vice, it contained everything Ena felt that she held in tightly with her heart, she would never let people know just how bad she was going through with everything. Her art helped with that, is what she'd like to think. Her motives had been obvious, draw for her friend's and maybe even inspire others with her talents, but no. No one bothered to admire her drawings and instead, focused on the lyrics, the song, the MV, everything but her art.
Something about that was sickening. No one cared for her, no one took the time to appreciate the effort she put in to make the song look pretty and enticing, no one would realize the hidden talents she had inside her. No one, no matter the cause, would ever care for someone like her. And that fact hurt, because she tried for everyone, for her friends, for her family, for her audience, and no one spared a glance. Sure, she would receive compliments from her friends, sometimes even her brother if he were in a good mood, but the compliments felt half-hearted, almost as if they didn't mean it. And that hurt. She wanted so badly to be recognized, and she would never obtain that. As Ena would mope around the fact of no one appreciating her art, the sound of her own coughing reverberated in her own ears would snap her out of her trance. Huh, that was weird. She wasn't sick, maybe she just needed water. Ena would reach across her desk for her water, only to cough even harder, like something was stuck in her throat.
Oh gods, she felt sick in her stomach. What was this unruly feeling? Her water bottle would slip out of her grasp, the coughing coming in harder and she felt something sharp and brutal making her way out of her throat, and so, it would make its way out of her mouth, feeling the taste of blood on her taste buds. Ena would crack an eye open despite the tears gathering in them from the pain, only to see a bloodied up… flower petal? That was… weird. She would pick it up, observing its contents as she would investigate it, she's never seen anything like this. It was pink, a bright pink, in fact. Ena would bring it closer to her eyes until the banging of her door would scare her, making her drop the flower petal to the floor as her door was slammed open, and there in all its might was… Akito…? Ugh, this dipshit. “What the hell are you doing in my room, get out!” She would yell, throwing a pillow right at his face as he would go stiff, the pillow sliding off him as he had a frown on his face. “Seriously!? I was just checking up on you, jeez.” Akito would grumble, yet Ena would tilt her head at his concern.
“Why the hell do you need to check up on me? I'm fine, see?” Ena would demonstrate, though noticing the small drops of blood on her fingers as she would quickly hide them, making Akito raise his eyebrows suspiciously. “Yeah, right. You're not the best liar, you know.” Akito would deadpan, making Ena huff in retaliation. “Whatever, what are you even checking up on me for? You never answered you asshole.” Ena would utter out, making Akito mumble to himself as he seemed annoyed. “Yeah, well, it's kinda hard to ignore the painfully sounding coughs you were letting out. Hell, I'm trying to sleep here and you're over here still wide awake doing god knows what.” Akito would grumble out, rolling his eyes without a care in the world. “Well, I'm fine. You can go now.” Ena would say, trying to dismiss him from out her room so she can fully investigate what the hell that thing was doing in her goddamn throat. “Whatever, suit yourself.” Akito would say alas, leaving her room and walking away without caring to close her door. “Oi! You dumbass, close my fucking door will you!?” Ena would shout out, though Akito didn't seem to care as he shut his own room door, seemingly to go back to sleep.
Ena would grumble to herself angrily and close her door herself, what a dumbass he was. Ena would fall back to her seat, bending down to pick the flower back up and observe it better, jeez, that was a small bit of blood there. What, did she swallow a whole bouquet in her sleep or what? This had to be Akito’s doing. That dipshit didn't know how to leave her alone, but, he wouldn't go that far, would he? Ena shook her head as she knew that she was overthinking this, Akito wouldn't go that far ever, sure, they hated each other with their guts, (which was also a lie, Ena could never hate her little brother) but they would never take it to that extent. At the very least, they did care about each other, even if it was hard to express due to their horrible anger management skills (Ena had it worse for whatever reason) but that wouldn't stop them from continuing their insults to each other. It was how they showed their affection to be honest, there was no other way since their household wasn't the best for expressing those kinds of emotions. Though, their father never meant any kind of affect or care, he always criticized the two, calling Ena's art worthless and always seeming to target her, though Akito had it easier. Mostly because he was in a band, he didn't do art, he was never good at art like Ena.
When he was a kid, it was amusing to try and watch him pursue his dreams, whatever that would be. But he never seemed to get it just right, maybe it was the lack of skills, or maybe it was the lack of validation, but he eventually gave up. He was sick of trying to be perfect, and so, he pursued something outside of art, singing. Ena was a singer herself, though that wasn't known as she and her friends held an alias with fake names and fake personalities to hide their identities. They didn't care for the fame, they didn't care for any of that, their goal was to reach listeners hearts and maybe, hopefully, save them from their own problems. That's what Kanade had always wanted at least, and they shared that same passion, which then came to the creation of N25. Ena had been the cover artist whilst the others had done their own thing, Kanade was the composer, Mafuyu was the lyricist, and Mizuki was the MV creator. The four matched each other's skills to create songs unlike others, their own talents reaching out for others to find interest in their songs and art (excluding Ena's own art) and to reach their own hearts. Ena would cough again, reaching for her chest as it ached badly, maybe cough drops would help?
Well, she'd figure that out for tomorrow morning at least, it was late, and she was worn out for the night. Ena would turn off her tablet and setting her pen onto her desk as she stretched, tip-toeing to her bed as she jumped onto it, the mattress rocking as she flopped onto her bed and soon coming to a stop, the ripples of her blankets would settle down into an even more messy set-up. Ena would groan at that, not feeling bothered enough to tame her bed again as she just settled herself in bed, tossing her blanket ontop of her and ready to fall asleep — before yet another cough ruins that. Ugh, so annoying. Ena would yet again attempt to close her eyes, this time, she felt herself drifting off to a deep slumber.