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Sometimes, Enjin gets overwhelmed when any of the Cleaners, especially anyone from Team Akuta or Gris, do something nice for him.
Gris saves him a plate full of food at dinner in the mess hall when he’s running late. The kids light up when they see him, even if they're at the age where they wouldn't want to admit it.
These are the moments where he truly felt loved.
From a young age, Enjin was used to nothing ever being truly free. Every kindness or anything remotely resembling “love” had a cost. Everything always led to a favor, or it was a trick all along in order to get something from him.
So, love wasn’t something he thought he’d ever experience.
Then Alto saved him. Gave him another chance at life, a chance to experience the things he should’ve when he was younger. Even if he only saw the man twice, he’s eternally grateful for the impact he had. Without him, he probably wouldn't have had the motivation to keep on living.
Since, honestly, he never thought he’d make it to adulthood, so he hadn’t seen much of a point to keep going. But now? He couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Who else would be the “stray collector” if not for him?
He loves his weird as hell kids and his saint of a partner willing to deal with his shit. Sometimes, when he finds a quiet moment, it makes him cry a little just thinking about it, how far he’s come and how grateful he is to have people who he sees as his family. People who cared about him, not just what he could give or do for them.
It used to be such a foreign concept to him.
But, there was still a part of his mind that kept reminding him that they didn’t actually love the real him, just a version of him, a mask. They didn’t know his past. If they did, maybe they’d all finally give up on him, and he’d be right back where he started. They’d all feel hurt that he didn't tell them sooner, that they couldn’t trust him anymore since he kept such a big secret. Not to mention the kids.
That stressed him out just thinking about it.
Zanka would feel hurt that Enjin was actually “special” all along. Riyo’s trust wavering in him when she thought she had known most things about him, but he still kept things from her. Not to mention Rudo. That kid might actually hate him if he knew. Knew that he had a part of the Watchman series. Knew that he knew his father.
Or maybe he was overthinking it.
Only time would tell, he supposes.
But he still dreads that day when they all inevitably find out.
His and Gris’s relationship was going strong. Enjin was still getting used to being in a long-term relationship, being more accustomed to the occasional fling. But it's the happiest he’s been in a long time, having someone to kiss and cuddle made him feel safe. Not to mention that the make-out sessions were amazing.
He really didn’t want it all to come crashing down when the truth about his past came out. He loved what he had here and didn’t want to lose it. But he also didn’t want to keep these things from his partner. It didn’t feel right to him. Keeping something so significant about himself from someone he trusts with his life… and his heart.
Anytime Gris would say he loved him, he felt guilty because he didn’t know the full truth.
All of these thoughts were finally starting to catch up to him. Maybe he could just tell Gris. He deserved to know.
It would be too much for him to start with telling the kids, he doesn’t think he could handle the looks on their faces. Not yet, at least.
He hasn’t told anyone about his childhood for many years; he’s worked hard to suppress those memories. But now, with his and Gris’s relationship growing more serious and Rudo’s search for information about the Watchman series, they were starting to resurface. Nightmares were beginning to become common once again, where he often found himself on the balconies of HQ, hoping a late-night cigarette would offer him some solace.
One night, Enjin does tell Gris about his past, not that he necessarily planned it, but it happened.
They were in the middle of a make-out session, and things were getting heated, but Gris could tell Enjin’s mind was elsewhere.
So he stopped, pulling back to look into the other blonde’s eyes. Enjin didn’t process the space between them right away, a glaze over his eyes.
“Hey. Enjin, you with me?” Gris asks, eyebrows furrowing in concern, down at his boyfriend, arms holding him up on either side of his neck.
“Hm?” The other responds with half-lidded eyes, still out of it, not really meeting Gris’s eyes.
After a few seconds, Enjin squeezes his eyes shut, and when he reopens them, his eyes start to look more focused.
“Sorry. I just…” He sighs, breaking eye contact and finding anything else for him to focus on while he contemplates his next move. What he finds himself staring at is a photo of him and Gris on their first mission together. He’d still been in his grumpy teenage phase at the time, but Gris still wanted to be friends with him of all people.
“He’s too good for me. I don’t deserve someone as kind as him.”
Temporarily lost in his thoughts again, Gris takes the opportunity to get off of him, to give him some space to collect his thoughts.
“I need to tell you something.”
Even if he’s terrified that Gris will be disgusted or frustrated with him that he hadn't told him sooner, since he was dating him (for some reason). But even if he was scared to lose this connection, he deserved to know.
He starts slow, trying to beat around the bush of his past. His natural instinct of deflecting when more serious topics came up was fighting him at every word.
Gris is way too patient with him, in his opinion. Sitting patiently next to him on the bed, hand rubbing his knee in a soothing motion. Not saying anything, giving him space to not feel pressured. Gris’s naturally comforting presence was enough for Enjin to start.
He tries to stay detached from what he's saying, saying only the facts of what had happened during his childhood, but it’s all coming back to him now that he’s saying it out loud. The further he gets into it, he can't even look at his boyfriend because he's attempting to hold back his tears.
Enjin told himself many times that he wouldn't get so emotional if he ever told anyone, but here he is.
Another reason he can't bring himself to look at Gris anymore is that he’s dreading the expression he’d see if he did. But it’s too late to stop now; he just had to get through it and hope for the best. He had to take more breaks than he would’ve liked to collect himself, so he didn’t start crying. At this point, he just wanted to get it over with, rip off the bandage.
After barely getting through his story, he finally looks into his boyfriend’s eyes. Surprisingly, what he saw there was pure concern. Not pity, not disgust, not anger, he just looked… worried.
That’s when he breaks.
Enjin loses his fight against his emotions and starts sobbing into Gris’s arms. Gris leans his head on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his crying partner.
The older blonde man whispers sweet nothings to help calm the other down, letting him know that he’s safe, that he loves him. He rubs slow circles on Enjin’s tattooed back while he lets him get the tears out of his system. It’s obviously something he’s been holding back for a long time.
Once the sobs simmer down to sniffles, Gris leaves a gentle kiss on Enjin’s scar on the side of his head as they part enough to see each other again.
Enjin looks away, doubt and guilt on his face, “Sorry for all that… It’s fine if you don't wanna be with me anymore. I know that was a pretty big thing I was hiding from you; that’s on me.” He sniffles, staring at his lap, hands fidgeting slightly, itching for a cigarette to calm his nerves.
Gris reaches his hand out to gently cup the other’s face to guide his head upwards so he’ll look at him. Enjin widens his eyes at him in surprise, not expecting such a gentle touch.
“Enjin.” Gris sadly smiles, “I love you for who you are now. My sweet, funny, reckless, and sometimes stupid, Enjin. Not for who you used to be.” He chuckles a little, remembering all the times Enjin had done something dumb just to make him laugh on tough days.
He starts rubbing his thumb across his cheek, wiping away the leftover tears from his now puffy eyes.
“I know that must have taken a lot of courage to tell someone all of that. So thank you for trusting me with it. Seems like you’ve been holding that back for a long time. But if you’re asking if I still want to be with you, the answer is yes. I would still love to be your boyfriend, if you’ll have me?”
He tilts his head to the side, a soft smile on his face, staring lovingly into the other blonde’s golden eyes. Enjin’s eyes started to well up once again with tears, this time for the opposite reason.
“I really don’t deserve him.”
“Always.”
That night, they both fell asleep in each other’s arms, Gris sleepily combing through his boyfriend’s hair. Enjin was hugging the other around the waist, cheek resting on his chest, softly snoring. All that crying tired him out enough that he was even drooling a little on his chest.
He would definitely tease him about that tomorrow.
Honestly, he was tired too, a little bit physically, which he was used to, but also emotionally. So he’d spent a few minutes after Enjin fell asleep just watching his peaceful face, brows no longer furrowed in stress, to calm himself down. Seeing him so relaxed made him also feel at peace. Especially after what he learned today, it made him even happier that he felt so safe with him.
Slowly leaning down, Gris placed a kiss on Enjin’s fluffy mess of hair, whispering “I love you” into it. At the touch, Enjin readjusts, snuggling into the other’s chest more if that was possible. He thinks he heard him mumble something in his sleep that might have been “I love you too,” but maybe he was just hearing things. Gris contentedly sighs and resumes combing through the other’s hair.
Eventually, Gris drifts off into slumber, joining his exhausted partner, one hand still in the other’s hair.