Work Text:
denial
“Neil’s dead,”
Those were the words that I awoke too. But Neil wasn't dead. He wouldn't leave me. There were too many words I hadn't said. Too many days left to seize. He wouldn't have left me.
The air outside was a sharp sort of cold. It cut through my coat, leaving goosebumps across my skin. The ground was quite the contrast. It was the soft white of snow.
“It's beautiful,”
Neil loved the snow. No he still does. Neil loves the snow. When he practiced his lines in it, it would fall into his soft brown hair and he'd laugh, his precious, perfect laugh, and we would fall back together and just stare into the pale sky.
Falling into the ground didn't feel the same with Neil beside me. Soon he would be back though because he wasn't dead.
Vomit rose in my chest and spewed to the ground. Charlie rushed to my side and stuffed my mouth with the cold. I couldn't breathe. Neil would help me. He would come back and help me. Because, Neil wasn't dead. He would come back for me.
Anger
“If it wasn't for Mr Keating, Neil would be cozied up studying his chemistry, dreaming of being a doctor,”
Cameron’s tone was snide. He had always hated the captain, but ratting on him brought up another level of rage in me. Also, he just had to drag Neil into this.
Now I knew Neil was dead. He had left me. He had left me alone. He didn't think about the rest of us. He just pulled the god damn trigger. He was a coward. Nothing Mr Keating had to say about seizing the day meant shit to him.
And yet, there was a part inside of me that hated Cameron even more. I hated the way he thought of us. I hated the way he swapped sides, not that he was ever really one of us. He clearly only came along because he liked the way Charlie mocked him. He was so pathetic when I came to his room mate. It was so obvious how much they fancied each other. They were just as big cowards as Neil.
Then, I snapped, “That is not true Cameron, and you know that, he didn't put us up to anything, Neil loved acting,”
My face was so hot you probably could've fried an egg on it.
“Believe what you want but I say let. Keating. fry.”
Cameron was never one of us. He was just a pathetic, weak dickhead who wanted nothing but to be loved by teachers. He never cared about any of us. I hated Richard Cameron.
Bargaining
I was alone. Neil was gone, Nuwanda had been expelled and Keating was soon to leave. I couldn't lose the last thing I had left. I had to save Keating. I couldn't fail him like I failed the rest. He needed me.
So, I stood up. I didn't listen to the voices in my head. This was so much more than me. It was for a generation of kids who would never know the magic of seizing the day, of living deliberately or of sucking the marrow out of life. Nolan had to listen or, at least, Keating needed to know we didn't want to rat.
“Mr Keating, they made everybody sign it!”
“Quiet, Mr Anderson!”
Nolan would have to listen. He would have to bring Keating back. I could make a difference. I could reverse it all. Everything would go back to normal.
“You gotta believe me, it's true!”
And it was true, I didn't want to sign it. Neither did Pitts or Meeks or Knox. I was going to get Keating back. For all of us. The faces in the room that were looking at me. And if Nolan tried to shut me up, I would scream it twice as loud. It wasn't just for Keating. It was for Nuwanda. It was for Neil.
It was always for Neil.
“I do believe you Todd,”
“Leave, Mr Keating,”
No, it had to work. I had to get Keating back.
“But, it wasn't his fault!”
It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault.
“Sit down Mr Anderson! One more outburst from you or anyone else and you're out of this school!”
I didn't want to go to this school. Not without the people I cared about.
But, for some reason, I sat back down. What use would I be if I was kicked out? I would be nothing more than a failure. Nothing more than 5.98.
Then I saw Keating, with his head hung low, standing at the door. It was then that I remembered. I owed everything to them. Keating walked so we could fly. So I would help him. I would bring him back.
“Oh captain, my captain,”
Depression
I was alone. It was all gone, everything that made me, me. Neil had left me. Charlie was sent away, probably to military school. Keating had gone back to England. Now it was just me and my thoughts. The thoughts that told me I was nothing. Because, I am nothing. I couldn't save them.
The bed across from me was empty. The sheets were stripped, so just the mattress remained. It still smelt faintly of Neil, though even that was leaving me. It was the only trace left of the beautiful boy that once slept beside me.
We were two parts of one whole, and now, as I lay on my own, I know why. It was because I loved Neil Perry more than anything. But, I would never be able to follow that love because I had been too late to realise. Neil really had been as beautiful as the snow. The last thing he ever saw mirrored his beauty.
I walked to his desk and opened the lid. It was empty, of course it was empty. Because, Neil was gone, and I would be soon as well. Without Neil I was nothing, and Neil was gone.
Acceptance
It's been a year since I lost everything and I wish I could say I've moved on. Realistically, I will never get over Neil. He was everything to me, but I've learnt to keep going.
The world didn't stop spinning when I lost them. The days kept passing. I'll never be the same as I was before, but nothing gold ever stays. I benefitted from the three who left.
Keating taught me to suck the marrow out of life, and take opportunities as they come. And for that, I am forever grateful. Now, as I'm waiting for my name to be called, to walk across the stage and graduate, I think of him.
Charlie taught me that conforming was dangerous, so I think of him as I throw my cap. I decorated the top to have a red lightning zap across it, in memory of getting red. Without him, I would blend into the crowd.
Neil taught me the value of love. So, as I run past my parents, towards Meeks, Pitts and Knox I think of him. I see him standing beside them. His smile is stretched across his face and he laughs softly. Because I know, deep down, he's proud of me.