Work Text:
"Would you choose me?" Ilya spoke up. "Would you choose me over hockey? over your career? over your reputation?" The question hung in the air. It was painful.
Ilya felt his chest tighten with every second the question isn't answered. He felt his knees grow weak with Shane's display of doubt.
Ilya chose Shane without hesitation, without a second thought, throwing away anything and everything that could get in the way of having Shane in his life for good.
The silence stretched between them some more before Ilya made a noise.
Ilya scoffed. "Wow. Hollander." He couldn't believe it. Shane still fucking hesitated. The man he is supposed to choose is right in front of him, ready to do anything for him with no doubt, no second thought.
"Would you choose me?" Shane blurted out. Shane wasn't really a jerk, so Ilya don't get why Shane had to ask that. Why is he turning things around?
"What kind of fucking question is that, Hollander?' Ilya turned around, ready to break everything if it wasn't just expensive, and if Shane is not there to see him go crazy. "Just answer me." Shane demanded, completely ignoring what Ilya asked.
"Are you fucking serious, Hollander? You are asking me that?" Ilya yelled, tears already stinging his eyes.
"I fucking left Boston to move here, to Ottawa! I chose shit team because this is your home town then you ask me if i would choose you. i already fucking did. I always would." Ilya turned away. He couldn't handle seeing Shane right now. It hurt too much. It hurt being doubted when he gave all the assurance he can.
"I ask again, Shane. Would you choose me?" Ilya asked. It was almost like pleading if it wasn't Ilya speaking.
"...You know my career is important for me. Hockey is my life. Everything I have is built on it-" Shane almost stutters over his own words. Everyone close to Shane probably knows that he believes he's nothing when he is not THE Shane Hollander.
"Oh for fuck's sake Shane, there is more life than pucks and ice and fucking winning! There's us!" Ilya felt his eyes blur. Shane must've forgotten. He has Ilya. He has the love of his life.
"This is my life, Ilya. You knew that. You fucking know i live for this. You know how i perfected everything to feel accepted. I'm not throwing it away because you want to show me off." Shane spoke like it's an undeniable fact.
That's all Ilya had to hear to know Shane wouldn't choose him if it was between him and hockey.
He thought they're both committed to this now. Shane asked him to come to his cottage, and Ilya thought that Shane would choose him. But he's wrong. He could've misunderstood things because he's not good at speaking English. He hopes all of this is wrong. Shane's just stressed right now. He doesn't mean it.
"Ilya. You know you're important to me too, right?" Shane embraced him from behind. Ilya's weak for it.
"Not important like hockey." Ilya almost laughed.
"Ilya-"
"I know hockey is important. Is important to me. But i chose Shane. I chose you. Why can't you do that?" Ilya asked. He's crying now. he's not even hiding it anymore. He wants Shane to know it hurt. That it fucked him up more than he can say.
"Ilya. You don't understand. Hockey is my life!" Shane yelled. How can he? How can he yell and be cruel right now?
"And i'm not?! I'm not part of your life?!" Ilya screamed and trashed around. He's going crazy. Oh my god. Why is he letting Shane see this?
Shane punched him. Shane wouldn't do that sober. But, he is sober. He's also not on the ice.
"You fucking used me, Hollander! You used me!" Ilya sobbed to the floor. He didn't bother getting up. He'll make himself look weak if it would mean Shane would pity him.
"I didn't, Ilya. For fuck's sake-" Shane scoffed at his accusation.
"Then choose me! Say you will choose me! You have nothing to lose!" Ilya cried some more, snot and tears mixing up on his face and he looked disgusting.
"I do, Ilya. I'd lose everything." Shane said almost quietly, like he doesn't want Ilya to hear it. "I'm not like you, Ilya. I'm scared." Shane spoke in that gentle voice, like he's not destroying Ilya right now.
"You don't think i'm scared too?" Ilya sobbed. "I'm scared. i am very scared. But i am trying because i love you. All i want is to hear it from you." Ilya's voice shooked. His tears and sobs physically ached now. His heart tightened with every beat.
"Ilya, you should calm down. We'll talk later. I'm going back to Mon-" Shane avoided it. Shane avoided things that scared him, things that he's not sure of.
"No! We talk now!" Ilya stood up, clinging onto Shane. Gosh, it looked pathetic. No one would believe if Shane were to tell people Ilya the best asshole in the whole NHL begged like a stupid puppy dog before his owner left the house.
"Let go!" Shane yelled. "No!" Ilya tightened his grip more like Shane would vanish into thin air.
Shane pushed him off, making Ilya stumble. It would leave a small yellow bruise for a few days. But that felt better to Ilya. Something would remind him of Shane at the very least.
"I'm sorry." Shane said as he walked out.
Ilya sat on the floor quietly.
"No, you're not." Ilya said to whispered under his breath.
-
J: I'm sorry. Can we talk?
J: I love you.
Ilya's phone buzzed with the two message from Shane. But he doesn't have the energy to answer anyone right now. His head and thoughts is fucking up every strength in his body.
-
Shane left a message again.
J: Hi
J: Are you okay?
J: Please call me.
J: I love you.
J: ♥
Ilya left it on read. It has been a few days now. He called their coach yesterday that he's taking a break, which is a ridiculous thing to say considering he's the captain.
Ilya didn't care that coach got mad. They can't do anything about it, anyway.
J: ESPN said you're on a break
J: I'll come over if you're not doing anything.
J: :)
Ilya looked at the messages. Do whatever you want.
Ilya doesn't know much time passed since he last opened his phone, but he can hear sounds coming from outside of his room.
He got up and went to the kitchen, where he saw Shane cooking.
One salmon with a shit ton of vegetables and a burger with a side of fries.
"Oh. You're awake. I didn't want to wake you up earlier so i just made food." Shane said like nothing happened a few days ago, like he didn't just punch Ilya then left.
At this point, Ilya can't even speak. He has no energy to do anything. He can't even tease Shane right now or make fun of his food choices.
Ilya just grabbed vodka from the fridge and walked away.
"You haven't eaten yet." Shane said and took the vodka from Ilya.
"Give it back."
"No. We will talk after we eat. I don't want you drunk on your ass while we talk." Shane said as he put it away.
"No. Go away. Go home." Ilya said.
"I know you're mad at me. But we-"
"We have to talk because you are guilty. Is not because you would actually choose me." Ilya spoke.
"I-Ilya..." Shane felt genuinely shit.
"Hollander. Don't lead me on now. If you cannot choose me, then i'd accept it."
"It's not like that. Ilya, look at me." Shane held Ilya's cheeks. "I'm sorry. I know i shouldn't have said that."
Ilya looked at Shane. He knows Shane loves him. Maybe he gazed at that beautiful brown eyes and the constellations of freckles on his face before he formed a thought. He doesn't want Shane's effort to be put to waste tonight. He'd try to be calm this time. He'd listen.
"Okay. I forgive." Ilya spoke, burying his head on Shane's shoulder.
-
It had been a few weeks now since their fight, and things are going well, at least for now.
Ilya had just got up from bed. He slept for 14 hours. It's the first time he slept well in a while. His body felt heavy and still weirdly tired even when he slept like a bear, but he has to get up since Shane is coming over.
He prepared boring food for the most boring man ever and bought him ginger ale. He made the bed which is a rare occurrence, and made sure the lights are dim enough to make things sexy but not enough to make Ilya unable to see Shane's freckles.
L: What time are you coming?
Ilya waited for a while before a reply came up.
J: I'm not sure if i can come over.
J: team is going out. they said i should come.
Ilya felt annoyed. Like deeply annoyed. He prepared everything and the last thing he wants to know is Shane not being sure about coming over. But Ilya knows if he gets mad, Shane will get mad and everything goes shit again.
L: Okay.
L: I will wait
L: What time do you think you can come?
J: I don't know.
J: Don't wait up though
Ilya's pissed. Shane can go out with his team but not him? Not Ilya? Why is it always impossible when it's about Ilya? Why can't Shane do anything when it's about Ilya?
L: Okay.
J: Are you angry?
Of course! Why wouldn't I be angry?
L: No. Just enjoy.
Ilya's mad but he can't do this right now.
J: ♥
How can he do this?
-
Ilya's an idiot. He still waited. The food's gone cold already, but all he wants is to see Shane right now.
Ilya felt the front door open. He quickly got up and went to see Shane, obviously tired and a bit tipsy.
"Are you drunk? You drive here drunk?" Ilya wrapped his arms around him.
"I'm not drunk." Shane said as he leaned in to kiss. But all Ilya wants is to just... be there. Just be with Shane. he doesn't want to have sex now.
"We should eat. I made food." Ilya said as he led Shane to the kitchen.
"Hm no c'mon lets-" Shane grabbed Ilya's crotch tightly like a fucking stress ball.
"Hey, you're drunk. I don't want to do it when you are drunk. I will go crazy." Ilya chuckled at Shane's attempts.
"I didn't fucking come here to eat, okay? Let's just fuck." Shane's already half way on taking Ilya's shirt when he spoke.
Ilya's confused, amazed, terrified? What the hell is up with Shane?
"Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?" Ilya's flustered.
"Shut up. I want-" Ilya pushes him away softly as he tries to devour his nipple.
"Shane, I am horny but I don't want to take advantage of a cute drunk boy right now, so later, okay?" Ilya kissed Shane, but Shane pulled away almost instantly.
"Why?'
"I drove for like, 2 hours, and you- fuck." Shane looked impatient, face flushed and ready to bend over anytime now.
"You're not so boring anymore, hm?" Ilya chuckled and held Shane's waist, but he ignored him.
Ilya's confused. Shane must've gotten his drink spiked for him to act like he's in heat.
"What's your problem?" Ilya seriously concerned now.
"I just want to fuck okay?" Shane sighed.
"Oh. So just my dick, huh? Wow. That is new. I never imagined that coming out of your mouth." Ilya scoffed at Shane's new found vocabulary.
"Sorry. I'm just tired." Shane dragged his hands along his face.
"Not tired enough for my dick though."
"Don't phrase it like that." Shane's pissy attitude is showing again.
"I won't talk then. Okay. Sure. That's what you want. Go play with your dildo." Ilya slammed the door.
It's fucking crazy. Ilya cooked, made the bed, waited, hoping he and Shane can make up the time they don't always have. But all Shane wants is sex. Just his dick.
Shane opened the door, "I'm sorry."
Shane got on the bed, holding Ilya's arms.
"I'm sorry. Please talk to me."
"Why are you so weird now, Shane?" Ilya said with pain in his voice.
"What do you mean?" Shane genuinely looked confused. This nerd is so smart and also so stupid.
"Do you love me, Shane?" Ilya spoke, back turned away.
"Of course. Yes. I love you."
"More than just my body?"
"Yes, more than just your dick."
Ilya wants to bring it up again.
"More than hockey?"
"Okay, i know where this is going." Shane sat up.
"I'm just asking." Ilya remarked.
"Ilya."
"Shane."
Shane got up and walked out the room. The fucking audacity he had is unbelievable. This must be Shane's secret evil twin because that is not how Shane Hollander is gonna act. Ilya followed him.
"Why are you leaving?" Ilya looked at Shane as he put on his shoes, dropping it a few times before he got to put them on.
"I wasted my time coming here. We'd just argue."
"I'm a waste of time?"
Shane didn't answer and just left. Left Ilya again. It's his nightmare all over again.
Ilya took his phone and typed as quickly as he can.
L: I'm sorry.
L: Come back.
L: We will fuck.
L: Shane
Jane missed a call.
Jane missed a call.
Ilya panicked. Will he lose Shane, just like that? Just because for once, he wasn't hornier than Shane?
L: This is bullshit.
L: If you are not coming back don't ever show your face to me again
-
Shane's back home, feeling like shit.
He knows there's no turning back now. Everything's gone. All the years they spent together are gone because Shane felt like being a demanding asshole.
A few weeks passed. Shane tried to focus more on hockey, because he chose that over Ilya. He might as well prove to Ilya that he chose that and he always will. He threw Ilya aside for the thing that kept him going all his life, the thing that made him worth something.
It's cruel. Ilya cared for Shane too much. He sacrificed a lot. Shane sacrificed none.
-
L: Hello
L: Are you busy?
Are you fucking stupid?
Lily deleted a message
Lily deleted a message
Pathetic.
-
Ilya didn't care about time now. he spent too much time thinking about Shane. He stared at the picture they took at the stupid award show like it meant something. A part of him knew it did.
Ilya's phone consisted of stupid searches on fans speculating Shane's "PR" relationship with Rose.
Shane hollander break up rose landry.
Shane hollander rose landry fake relationship
Shane hollander and rose landry pictures
He's stupid believing anything he sees. But it comforted him, that some people actually thinks that Shane and Rose are doing it for the stupid media shit show.
-
Shane Hollander's upcoming wedding has been a trend for like, a week now. Ilya's tired of seeing it. Yeah, Rose fucking Landry is getting married to golden boy Shane Hollander. Amazing. And Ilya stupid Rozanov still believes it must be a new plan so Rose could get more famous.
Ilya threw his anger at everything and everyone - hockey, his poor teammates, anyone he fucks. Sometimes on himself.
-
Ilya had been drinking and binge watching Shane do yoga at the cottage when his phone buzzed.
J: Hey.
J: How are you?
J: Can we see each other?
What the fuck?
L: Hello
L: I am okay.
L: Where are you right now?
Good job, Ilya. Folded immediately.
-
Funny enough, Shane chose their meeting spot to be Shane's fuck apartment.
"Long time no see." Ilya said plainly. It tasted bitter in his mouth. I fucking missed you.
"Hey." Shane said. That's all you managed to say?
The air sat awkwardly between them before Shane said anything.
"I..I'm sorry for ending things badly between us. I know-" Shane's voice hurt. It hurt. "ending" hurts to be heard from Shane's mouth. Ilya still believed things are just resting temporarily, not ending.
"Is okay." Ilya said. Even he is surprised. Nothing's okay. Everything's not okay.
"How?" Shane asked,
"Is...Is okay. I can't control you." Ilya just accepted it. Maybe it's just now. He spent all his time dreading over not having Shane. All of that is useless now. Maybe he shouldn't have spent all his time staring at Shane;s picture or watching his game highlights on nights he missed him.
"O-okay. I'm still sorry. I really am." Shane's tears welled up.
"You don't have to apologize, Hollander." Ilya assured him, like always.
They stayed silent for a minute. It was scary. Ilya felt the space between them widened. It terrified him.
"Can I ask you something?" Shane looked at him with that deer eyes that's now puffy.
"Sure." Ilya wiped the tears threatening to fall.
"Everything..Was everything true to you?"
Ilya thought about it. Was it true? Did he really love Shane? Did he ever pretend it wasn't?
"It...It is. I loved you. I really did." Ilya couldn't hold back a sob. It hurt. He doesn't want to say that it was. because it still is. He still loved Shane. Shane's the only person he loved as a whole.
"I really fucking did. I still do." Ilya added between sobs and failed inhales.
"It's true to you too, right?"
"It was." Was.
Ilya couldn't stand the air between them anymore.
Ilya left soon after. He said goodbye to Shane. Shane offered a hug, and he embraced it as if it was the last, because it is.
Shane even invited Ilya to his wedding, but he refused. He wants to spare himself the pain seeing him be with someone that is not him. But Ilya knew Shane liked Rose, and he'd be happy being her husband. They'd have beautiful children, and live the best boring canadian life without Ilya Rozanov existing on Shane's life anymore.
But Ilya would choose Shane all over and over and over again. He'd choose anything that's about Shane. He'd choose to go over every pain he experienced if it meant that Shane would choose him, if it meant that Shane would finally realize just how much Ilya sacrificed for him. He'd choose to live and die and get hurt if Shane would pity him and choose him and marry him, have 10 million kids like Pike, enjoy being married and acting like a cringe couple, call each other stupid cute lovely names and fuck everyday and hold hands without anyone caring because they're not enemies anymore.
Ilya would go through everything all over again if it means Shane would look at him and tell him that he's choosing him in every life.