Work Text:
Jonathan couldn’t stop thinking of his and Teddy’s dance long past when it was appropriate. He should call it his, Teddy’s and Roxy’s dance but she was only on the periphery. His mind returned to Teddy over and over again. The weight of his hands on Jonathan’s waist. He’d never been held like that in his life, he’d never been gazed at like that. He’d never been so totally blindsided by crushing desire.
He told himself it was simply him playing the part. But Matthew Ellis was as good as dead and Jonathan suffered a terrible problem. He couldn’t stop thinking about Teddy, he couldn’t stop the endless yearning to touch him.
He touched Teddy’s leg, a hand on his strong thigh when possible, held his shoulder and when he felt daring, he would cup his face. Teddy accepted these and had his own desire to touch in return. He guided Jonathan with a hand on his lower back, curled his fingers around the back of Jonathan’s neck and pressed their foreheads together.
But they hadn’t kissed on the lips. Hadn’t crossed that line, though Teddy would smack a kiss to his forehead and Jonathan had tenderly pressed his lips to Teddy’s temple already.
Jonathan assumed Teddy wasn’t one to wait, he wound pounce and take what he desired but he stayed behind an unspoken boundary, once neither of them dared cross.
They stayed in France, safe as possible, all things considered. They lived up a winding hill and usually ventured into town once a week after a bundle of euros arrived via mail from Angela.
Teddy insisted on driving the old, square shaped Kia, which he complained endlessly about. “It’s not very fashionable.”
“We’re not here to be fashionable. It goes from point a to point b.”
Teddy grumbled as he got into it. Jonathan would pick items up based on a list and Teddy carried the basket around and seemingly chose items randomly. Jonathan handled the talking since he spoke a decent bit of French.
“I hate the sound of French,” Teddy said. “Oui, oui,” he put on a horrible, dramatic accent. “Stupid.”
“People say it’s the language of love.”
“No. There’s no language more romantic than Spanish.”
“You’re biased.”
“I’m right. Why do you know French? For a mission or something?”
“No, Teddy. I learned because when I was younger, I came here quite a bit and there was girl who I was interested in.”
Teddy grinned at him, boyish and loose. “The French ex-wife.”
“I never married her. I never held a conversation longer than two minutes with her. I married an English woman, way too young.”
“Who ended it?”
“She did,” Jonathan said. “But I had been withdrawn enough that it was my fault. Have you ever been married.”
“You know very well I haven’t. I assume you know everything about me.”
“Not everything,” Jonathan reached the car fist and started to put their groceries in the back. “Not at all.”
Teddy scoffed and shoved his bags in before he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. He lit it in a smooth, practiced move.
“Are you really going to smoke now?”
Sí,” Teddy sad. “Why not?”
Jonathan pointed to the no smoking sign. Teddy rolled his eyes and kept smoking. “At least give me one. I’m not just going to watch you.”
Teddy handed him one and tossed Jonathan the lighter. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I used to do it way more,” Jonathan inhaled and exhaled around it. “Back when I worked in hotels. I always enjoyed a smoke break and odd cigar, of course.”
“Of course,” Teddy echoed. “I think about that night a lot. Don’t you?” Teddy looked up from hooded eyes.
Jonathan swallowed. He busied himself with taking a drag. “Yes.”
“I almost killed you,” Teddy said. “I really thought I’d cracked you too. Did you have your people wait to send the money on purpose?”
“No, why would I.”
“To give your little performance.”
“I knew it would be tight for the transfer. I took advantage of the opportunity to gain more trust.”
“I’ve never been lied to like that. I’ve met anyone capable of lying to me like that,” Teddy said. “I was going to kill you, you understood that, right?”
“I knew,” Jonathan replied. “But I needed you the believe me, to trust me, more than I needed anything else in that moment. It didn’t feel like lying. It felt like…”
“Like what?” Teddy grew impatient with him. He shifted from foot to foot. “Tell me.”
“The lies weren’t total lies. I have worked for intelligence, I did look into you. I stole money. It was close enough that I felt like I was revealing myself to you, that we were forging a bond.”
“Is that what you did with Roper? When you infiltrated his operation, did you reveal yourself to him, forge a bond.”
“He knew me before I started all this,” Jonathan confessed. “I burned my true identity to gain his trust.”
“He trusted you?
“Yes. He gave me the 300 million to begin with.”
Teddy’s face showed his surprise. “He said you stole it.”
“I took it, but it was in my account to begin with. What else did he tell you?”
“Not much. He said that you were good at making people reveal information and manipulating them.”
“I won’t lie to you, Teddy, not anymore. I was targeting you. I lied to you and tricked you and wanted to bring down everything you built. But—” Jonathan gave up here. He couldn’t cross the boundary through words. He reached out and touched the inside of Teddy’s elbow. He put out his cigarette and looked into his eyes. “It wasn’t all lies. I’m not that good of an actor.”
Teddy regarded him with his dark, searching eyes. His eyes contained entire worlds and Jonathan truly could get lost in them. He raised his eyebrows. “Pretty good one, though.”
Jonathan chuckled. He didn’t want to lose the physical connection, so he curled his hand around Teddy’s forearm and held the firm muscle there. “I’m glad you’re here, Eduardo."
“There are worse places to be,” Teddy said. He put out his cigarette, and they got in the car and drove back to their little house on the hill. Two bedrooms, one bath, a stoney and wooden facade and old-dated furnishings from the 1900s. Teddy sat in a flower-pattered armchair and Jonathan on an ugly blue patterned couch, and they turned on an old boxy TV for background noise.
“Angela said she’s sent enough for a laptop next time,” Jonathan said.
“Ask her for enough for a Porsche."
“She’d never go for it. She’s too sensible for your tastes.”
Teddy reclined in his chair and kicked his feet up on the wooden coffee table. “What do you do for fun?”
“Oh, this and that.”
“I’m genuinely asking,” Teddy closed his eyes and didn’t open them to speak. He bathed in the warm sunlight beam that cut across the living room. “You aren’t sensible.”
“No, I definitely am.”
“No, no one who’s sensible walks into my place like he owns it, drinks my alcohol, does coke and then provokes me to throw them off a boat.”
“That was part of the role,” Jonathan said. “I’m not usually so…forward.”
“Okay. How are you then?”
“I don’t do much. I would stay in most days, watch TV or read, work nights and be content with that.”
“Sounds boring.”
“Well, I didn’t do it to entertain you. What do you do? Normally, when you aren’t wooing an investor.”
“Party, drink, dance is the usual night.” Teddy said. “But outside of that when I wasn’t working I would ride my horses. Go for a swim, when the weather is nice. I used to run a lot.”
“Really?”
“Yes. It clears the mind, helping me think things through. I never had free time when I was younger. I was always on the run, always fighting for something, keeping my head on a swivel.”
Teddy had such a deep, rolling voice. It reminded Jonathan of the crackling of fire. “And on a slow rainy day, one with no parties and horrible weather? What would you do?”
“Have an orgy.”
Jonathan eyed his reclined form. Eyes shut and face blank he looked painfully young with the soft, black curls of his hair smashed against the back of the chair. He’d wondered about Teddy’s sexuality, the ambiguity of it had never resolved itself. “That still sounds like a party.”
Teddy turned his head and opened his eyes. “I don’t like doing nothing. You know what they say, idle hands are the Devil's tools.”
Teddy in this quiet house made him feel bad, like he’d taken a wild, beautiful creature and caged it. Teddy possessed an animalistic edge, not in a dog-like way for him, but in the same instinctual, elegant way of panther. “It’s peaceful, though. This kind of life.”
Teddy’s eyelids shuttered. “Yeah. Peaceful.”
***
Jonathan woke up hot and panting and hard. He stumbled like a blind man into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and let it wash over him before he touched his dick. He shouldn’t do this, but he couldn’t help it. He imagined Teddy as the warm water poured over him. He remembered his hands all over him in the pool. If he had sex with Teddy, he would have to guide Jonathan though it, those strong and controlling hands all over his body.
Jonathan first imagined fucking Teddy, vague in the details since he’d never done it before, but he’d want to do it face to face—press him into a pretzel but he wanted to see Teddy’s eyes. But then the vision morphed and Jonathan imagined Teddy’s dick inside of him. It must feel good, people enjoy it.
Not only gay people but straight people did too. He didn’t live under a rock, he knew. But he’d never done it before. He reached a hand back and trailed down his ass. He neared his crack and chickened out. He titled forward to press his head against the wall and resume jerking himself off.
He closed his eyes and thought, though he wouldn’t ever want that, of Teddy forcing him. Just bending him over and fucking him and leaving him no opportunity to deny it. Jonathan liked the fantasy too much. He never did it like this. He always slept with a certain type of woman, tiny slips of them who he came to like a knight in shining armor. They would melt at a nice word, so used to cruelty from men and he would be polite and considerate and fuck them so good, though he would never brag. He would be sure of himself and firm but not dominant during sex. If they wanted thrown around he would, if they wanted screwed against the wall he’d do it.
But Teddy called him differently. He awoke something deep inside of him. He wanted Teddy to control him, to be the strong and sturdy force during sex. He wanted to be the one laid out for the taking.
Jonathan stopped and turned the water cold. He clenched his hands into fists and centered himself. He’d gone without sex for too long and now he was letting his time as Matthew Ellis disrupt his life, but he was not Matthew.
Still, the next day when he greeted Teddy in the morning he’d squeezed his shoulder and then Teddy had put a hand on his back, as if to guide him, though of course he knew the lay of the place well enough.
The need to touch him and be touched by him opened up to an endless chasm, feed it and it only wanted more. Their relationship had started with lies, though, and touch, if anything, revealed the truth. Teddy’s body had no feminine qualities, he was straight up and down with lean, cut, muscles and broad, veined hands. Though Jonathan had always thought he was beautiful. Not just handsome but beautiful. He had the face of a saint, of an angel, too perfectly constructed for Jonathan’s good.
Teddy drank coffee and Jonathan sipped his tea. Jonathan had bought a paperback book he started to read. “What’s the book about?”
“The Rwandan genocide.”
“That’s what you do for fun? Read about a genocide.”
“It’s interesting.”
“Is it? People all kill for the same reasons.”
“Do they now?”
“Life is easier if the person is dead.”
Jonathan remembered that horrible night in the Colombian jungle when Roper had fired at his own son, though he missed, the intent had been there. If Roper weren’t a terrible shot, the man before him would be in the ground.
“Some people kill and it makes their life harder.”
“But that person is gone and their problems are new problems.”
“What about killing a stranger?” Jonathan closed his book and held his place with his thumb. Teddy superseding the book in holding Jonathan’s interest.
“The world will be easier without that stranger causing a problem by being there. It’s not about the individual, it’s like the concept of the person is offensive so you have to kill them. You’re reading about a genocide? That’s easy. The world is better without these people. Life will be good if we get rid of them.”
“It’s very broad.”
“It’s true,” Teddy raised his chin at Jonathan. “Have you killed?”
“I was a soldier."
“So that’s a yes. Did it make life easier, even for a moment?"
“I suppose, in a way.”
“See? I’m right.”
“I guess you are,” Jonathan opened his book back up to read about horrible things with all the events explained and put into a logical order. The situational post-mortem where all the pieces of the puzzle are assessed and laid out.
Teddy scrolled on his phone. The internet out here lacked in quality, and he gave up and turned on the TV, but the channels were French and he eventually found a basketball game and muted it but he grew bored and channel surfed again.
Jonathan ignored the flickering TV going wildly between channels. He returned to his phone and then got up and left without a word. Jonathan watched him through the front of house windows, walking with his hands shoved in his pockets down the street.
Jonathan stared at him until he stepped out of view like a crazy stalker. Teddy could go for a walk. After all, Jonathan was not holding him hostage and yet, he wanted him to come back so they could breathe the same air, at least.
Jonathan stared at him until he stepped out of view like a crazy stalker. Teddy could go for a walk. After all, Jonathan was not holding him hostage and yet, he wanted him to come back so they could breathe the same air, at least. Jonathan had turned into a slobbering idiot.
He needed to have sex again, desperately. His thoughts were getting increasingly insane. He took the Kia out onto the nearby and wandered around until the bars opened. He went in and under the guise of practicing his rusty French, he talked up a woman. She was beautiful with long blonde hair and pale smooth skin. She reminded him of Jed’s beauty, like moonlight over a pond. She took him back to her place.
Jonathan pressed her against the wall and kissed her deeply. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. He knelt between her legs and over her and mouthed at her neck and then her breasts. She grunted and wiggled out of her pants. Jonathan pushed her panties to the side and teased over her.
She rolled her hips into his hand and he found her wet and ready. He undid his pants and shoved them down to fuck into her. He didn’t even need all his French vocabulary, he knew to read her face and see what she wanted. He worked her clit as he fucked her and she moaned and made high-pitched noises.
Jonathan came inside of her. He pulled out and she flopped her legs out in an open invitation he took to lick her cunt. He licked and sucked over her until she couldn’t stop grinding her hips against his face and came with a small cry.
Jonathan sat on the bed while she went to the bathroom. She asked him to smoke but he told her he didn’t like it. She shrugged and came to lie down next to him. “Tu sais, j’ignore ton nom” she said.
“Thomas Quince,” he said. “Comment tu t'appelles?”
“Claire.”
They chuckled over how fast they went to bed together. “Bien?”
“Bien.”
Jonathan snuck out in the middle of the night and returned to the house on the hill. Teddy was inside waiting for him. He sipped a glass of water. He looked immaculately put together for it being near four in the morning. He wore loose, soft clothing but he imbued it with a certain amount of style. He leaned against the door for the kitchen as Jonathan toed his shoes off.
“Good night, amigo?”
On paper it had been a good night. Perfect, even. One spent with a gorgeous French woman who was into him and he was into her. Yet, upon seeing Teddy again his heart ached and he yearned to fill the still cold parts of himself—where the feather-light touch of Claire could not reach. “Yes. Come here.” Jonathan stepped closer to him.
Teddy glanced at him wearily and didn’t move. His eyes were oceans, dark and honest. Revealing why he wouldn’t come near.
“Teddy?” Jonathan needed him so badly at this moment he couldn’t function. He couldn’t be wobbly about Jonathan. Jonathan closed the distance between them. He wrapped an arm around Teddy’s shoulders and brought their bodies together. Teddy hardly reciprocated the hug. It was the first time he’d held Teddy since the world was crumbling around him. “Sorry for not saying anything.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I’m sorry.”
Teddy’s hand came up to brush Jonathan’s back. Jonathan curled tighter against him. He tucked his head against Teddy’s shoulder and rested there for a moment.
“Are you alright?” Teddy asked.
Jonathan could fall asleep like this. Teddy’s body against him and under his hands. “Yes, darling, I’m good, just tired.” Jonathan straightened and then leaned forward to kiss Teddy on the temple.
“You’ve been drinking?”
“Just one. I know money is tight.”
But it wasn’t an accusation. “Hungry?”
“Yes, I’m starving.”
Teddy heated up some leftover chicken and sauce. Jonathan ate it standing up. He talked about his early evening, talking to people, the interesting characters he met, a young wealthy American studying abroad, an old man who’d never left the country because why go anywhere that isn’t France.
He thanked Teddy for cooking, for waiting until he arrived to look after him with such cautious eyes.
“It’s nothing. What was I going to do, starve?” Teddy sat at the table like a normal person. “Besides I didn’t do it for you. I didn’t know if you would be coming back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, you’ve said.”
“I had to get out. I was going stir crazy,” Jonathan explained.
“I thought you liked the boring life.”
“I do,” Jonathan paused. He liked to keep his personal life close to himself. “But I still need company too. I meant a lovely woman tonight.”
“Ah. It’s always a woman, isn’t it? Are the French women as good as they say.”
“I don’t know about all French women, but she was something.”
“I’m sure,” Teddy said. “Why not make her breakfast in the morning? A way to a women’s heart is through her stomach, yes?”
“I wanted to come back here,” Jonathan replied. “I shouldn’t have left in the first place.”
“I’m a not a sick dog you can’t leave.”
“You’re not a dog at all. But you are my responsibility. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s true.”
“Fine,” Teddy got up and started up the stairs to the bedrooms. Jonathan followed on his heels. “I don’t care.”
Jonathan let him go. He passed out in his room a few minutes later.
***
The next night Teddy came into the living room wearing an all-black outfit. “Don’t wait up.”
Jonathan didn’t have time to construct a reply before Teddy took the car and left. Jonathan, half out of spite and half out of payback, stayed up. He fell asleep on the couch, but he heard the rattling of the engine and was awake when Teddy came back at two in the morning.
He wondered who Teddy had sex with. A man or a woman? He wondered why he didn’t stay the whole night.
Teddy slipped inside quietly. If he was surprised to see Jonathan awake he didn’t let it show. He took off his shoes, dropped the keys in the bowl and went into the kitchen for a drink.
“How was your night?”
“Good,” Teddy gulped down a glass of water and refilled it.
“Why’d you come back here? I thought you were supposed to make breakfast.”
Teddy laughed at him. “I don’t make breakfast for a hookup.”
“You told me—”
“But you had a nice drink with the French girl. That’s a date.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. You know, Colombians are very polite people.”
“I believe it.”
“So, I know best about these things,” Teddy opened the fridge and ate a plain, cold piece of bread and went to bed.
Jonathan lingered in the living room. He should pry more but he didn’t need to. Teddy had a casual hookup with a man; of this he was certain. Jonathan knew vaguely of apps for that kind of thing, more popular with gay men.
Jonathan took that information back to bed with him. Did Teddy top or bottom? Or maybe they blew each other. What kind of man had Teddy tonight? Did he treat Teddy right, take care of his tender parts? Jonathan closed his eyes and cupped his dick. He shouldn't do this, but he couldn’t help it. He jerked himself off, thinking of the anonymous hookup and then replacing himself in it. Teddy would—he shuddered—fuck him and he could look into Teddy’s eyes and pet his face and soft hair. Jonathan remembered those hands on his waist, he turned it over in his mind like pressing on a bruise or picking a scab. He couldn’t stop.
The dream defied reality, the positions switching quickly, illogically. Jonathan had tasted his skin before. He would kiss Teddy’s thighs, mouth over his dick, take it into his mouth. He’d bet anything his dick matched the rest of him, his imposing presence and edge mixed with model-like beauty.
He came over his stomach and got tissues to clean himself up. He was too old for this shit. But now it had reared its head, he couldn’t subdue it.
***
They spent the next night together in the living room. Jonathan read his book and Teddy scrolled on his phone with the TV on in the background. Teddy showered first and he ran into him in the hallway with only a towel wrapped around his hips.
Jonathan’s eyes drank up all the skin exposed, the exact measurements of his body and his lean, lithe body that had pressed up behind Jonathan on the dance floor. He noticed the cuts on his arm, not for the first time. Teddy didn’t appear to care if people noticed but he remembered his shame when Jonathan had brought it up.
Jonathan passed up and took his forearm in hand. Teddy tensed. “What?” He tried to pull back.
Jonathan assessed it. A newer mark shone a rosy pink. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” Teddy tugged harder now, with his whole body.
“Okay,” Jonathan dropped his arm as he panicked. He curled it close to his body. “You should put a band aid on it. And Neosporin.”
“I’m not an idiot.”
Jonathan nodded at him like the conversation achieved anything. He took the next shower, too taken by Teddy’s self-loathing to jerk off. It would be wrong. But later that night when the scars faded from memory, he lingered in the feeling of Teddy behind him as they danced. In this fantasy, they grinded against each other and nothing else. Jonathan replayed the moment in his head over and over again like a child watching their favorite movie.
Jonathan licked his hand and fisted his dick. He rolled his head back. A phantom of Teddy behind him, crotch right up against Jonathan’s ass. The fire in his eyes when Jonathan turned around, when they sat at the table after, breathing hard and smoking and Jonathan had to pull at the fragile bond between them to push them closer together. But maybe he should’ve allowed the night to pass instead and see what happened.
Jonathan came to those thoughts of what-ifs. He bit his finger to avoid making any little noise. He cleaned himself off and looked at himself in the mirror after.
Jonathan had never really had sex with another man. But there had been a time when he got close.
It had been the summer before he enlisted. His future wife and him were only friends and currently on the outs. A friend of a friend, Ethan, had looked at him all night, while he desperately tried to get his future wife’s attention.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Jonathan had shouted at him. He’d been drinking steadily all night and the clock neared 2.
“Nothing,” Ethan snapped at him.
Jonathan couldn’t breathe in this room. He stormed out of the party and lit up a cigarette. He smoked three in a row. The heat outside too much, his stomach ached and his bladder burned from the alcohol. He’d never drank this much in his life. Too much of a good boy.
Ethan stepped outside next. He stood next to Jonathan and watched the road. “Do you have a problem with me?” Jonathan asked him.
“No,” Ethan replied. “Not at all.” He sounded like he was from Manchester. “I’m fighting with my girl too. She kicked me out.”
“If you’re looking for advice I plan on buying her flowers and chocolate,” Jonathan said.
“I’m not looking for advice. You know, I’m thinking about joining up, too. Kill some terrorists, make money. Might be fun.”
“Sounds like you have your mind made up.”
“The only thing I don’t think I could do is the all the rules.”
Jonathan craved the rules. They stood outside for a couple minutes. “I like my freedom.” Jonathan turned his head and they made eye contact. Ethan grinned. “Want to blow off some steam before they cut our balls off?”
Jonathan nodded and Ethan led him away from the house. They went into the garage that was left open, a old fridge in there still kicking. Ethan took a beer and Jonathan took one too.
Jonathan knew what was going to happen. Ethan smirked at him and kissed him, still holding the beer. He got a hand on Jonathan’s shoulder and pushed him back. Ethan put a hand on his neck. “I’m not a fucking fag,” he said. But Jonathan hadn’t said anything. He maintained his cool.
It all happened like in a dream. Ethan on his knees. Jonathan set the beer down on the fridge. A mouth was a mouth and he got hard. Jonathan closed his eyes, but he found them open anyway, looking at Ethan. He had dark eyes and a buzz cut. A tattoo inked along his arm. His skin tan-tanned and he had rough calloused hands that said he worked with his hand.
Jonathan rolled his head back against the unfinished wooden beam. His hand smoothed over the fuzzy surface of his skull. Jonathan felt all the indents and curves of it. Ethan pulled off him. “Turn around.”
Jonathan’s body went cold, as if doused in ice water. “What?”
“Come on,” Ethan said. He put a hand on his shoulder and spun him around, pulled his pants down. He grinded his hardening dick against Jonathan’s ass. Jonathan gasped and allowed this until a spit soaked finger prodded between his cheeks.
He kicked behind him and slipped out of Ethan’s grip.
“What the fuck, man?” Ethan complained, his dick out. Jonathan pulled his hands up, face heated up red with shame. “I thought you were cool.”
“Shove your finger up your own ass.”
“Come on you were into it,” he went to grab Jonathan’s visible erection.
“Shut up!” Jonathan hissed. He put his hands on his head and dragged them through his head. “This went too far.”
Ethan panted and tucked his dick way. “Not far enough. What am I supposed to do now?”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Jonathan headed for the door. “This never happened.”
Ethan gave him a mocking salute. They were both still hard and had to wait a few agonizing minutes until it went down. Jonathan thought of naked grandmas and horrible things in the world. He cleared his mind from the rush of Ethan’s hands on him, his mouth against his dick.
“See you around,” Ethan said. “Maybe we’ll be in the same barracks.”
Jonathan left. He went back into the party and pretended he hadn’t felt like falling apart in the garage. He didn’t know what came over him, but he’d almost let Ethan fuck him. For a heart stopping moment he’d felt electricity shoot up his spine in a pleasant tingle before it dawned on him what he was doing.
He never saw Ethan in the military but a few years later, around when his marriage fell apart and they weren’t talking to each other at another friend’s marriage he saw Ethan. He’d never made it into the military.
“You’re the one that got away,” he told Jonathan. “From this shitty place.”
“I’m back now,” Jonathan said.
“Thousand yard-stare, man. What happened to you out there?”
Jonathan shook his head. “The usual.”
Ethan inched closer. “You ever think about that night?”
“Yes, sometimes.”
“Fuck, man, I was so drunk and stupid.”
“Me too.”
They shook hands and Ethan pressed a small kiss to the back of it, in a shockingly tender move he’s lucky no one saw. “See you around.”
Jonathan watched him go. He learned from other people Ethan had been to jail twice in the intervening years. People said he was addicted to cocaine or meth. Jonathan saw him in passing several during the night as he rejoined his table.
Jonathan never learned what happened to him. He was too scared to ask. Hopefully, he found someone who could give him what he wanted.
He replayed that night in his head so many times. He elevated it to mythic proportions. He couldn’t put himself back in his shoes, but he should’ve maintained his composure. He didn’t know what had come over him, the trembling fear, like he was going to jump off a bridge instead of being fucked by a man, shoved around by him. He’d been so utterly terrified but not Ethan of the flames of desire he’d felt deep inside of him.
His skin still crawled with embarrassment and shame and emotions he couldn’t name, all these years later. But still, he been aroused even as he rejected Ethan. But maybe he should’ve let it happen or reasoned with Ethan but they’d both been left unsatisfied that night.
***
Jonathan slept terribly, tormented by dreams where he couldn’t see anything, and his vision kept blacking out and trembling. At least it wasn’t one of the ones where his teeth fell out. Teddy went for a run that morning fueled by a protein bar, so Jonathan made scrambled eggs and made coffee and waited for him to return.
“You good?” Teddy asked, upon his arrival as he downed a class go water.
“Yeah,” Jonathan said. “I’m good. How was your run?”
“Good,” Teddy said. “I’m a bit rusty but it’s cool air is nice.”
Jonathan passed the day away in that manner, watching Teddy, talking to him. Living together was like entering one giant conversation. Part of him wanted to confess to Teddy what he was doing, jerking off to graphic thoughts of him—or even float the conversation about Teddy’s sexuality. He could lure him with his own story but he couldn’t speak about it. He never had. It scared him to lose the edge of masculinity he’d prided himself on. He was the knight in shining armor, the perfect gentleman, a soldier.
“Yo're thinking too much,” Teddy told him. “I can see it on your face.”
Jonathan had been zoned out on the couch. “Maybe you don’t think enough.”
“Eh,” Teddy flapped a hand. “I trust my gut and my instinct,” Teddy said. “Can’t trust the brain.”
“Maybe you're right.”
“I’m always right. You should listen to me more.”
Jonathan smiled at him.
Jonathan planned to go out tonight and Teddy had looked at him with almost wet eyes and asked, “Can I come with?”
“Yeah, of course.”
They walked most of the way, it was a nice evening, chilly but not too cold. Teddy wore a dark, woven shirt that hinted at revealing skin without actually showing any.
They passed restaurants and selected one with a dance floor. Teddy gave him a loaded look and Jonathan spoke to the hostess in French while he lingered behind Jonathan. They ate a nice, easy dinner and drank red wine, and hit the dance floor as it picked up.
Teddy danced alone for a minute, his eyes half-closed as his body moved on its own, naturally unwinding. Jonathan ended up with a woman named Chole who asked if he was having fun, to which he said yes.
“Can I join?” Teddy asked, in that low voice of his. Chole didn’t speak English, but she looked at Teddy and then Jonathan and smiled. First Chole was in the middle, facing Jonathan with Teddy at her back.
Jonathan had double vision over that night in Cartagena as his two dance partners shifted and he slid into the middle. Chole at his front and his arms around her while Teddy engulfed him from behind. Chole kissed him but all he could feel was Teddy’s hands securing their grip on his waist. She swayed back and her arm reached for Teddy, who Jonathan knew would be totally magnetic, if only he could see him.
She kissed Teddy over Jonathan’s shoulder, on her tip toes, pressed up tight against Jonathan. “Désolé, je n'ai pas pu m'empêcher.”
“Je comprends,” Jonathan murmured as their lips met. She giggled and grew serious as she kissed Jonathan and then Teddy and then back.
Jonathan shifted to make it easier on her and she fell back into the middle. She held Jonathan under his chin and licked into his mouth and then kissed Teddy, lighter but passionately. Teddy’s body surged forward into her. She turned her head and Jonathan and her brushed his, her finger curled under his chin, teasing the skin there.
Jonathan opened his eyes to see Teddy staring at him. He didn’t close his eyes when she kissed him, instead the intense depths of them stayed on display. They drew Jonathan in like black holes. Her hand pushed his head closer and Teddy inched forward too. Their noses brushed and she kissed Jonathan and stepped back, leaving a gravitational pull that Teddy took the reins of.
Jonathan didn’t have time to think about it. His lips met Teddy’s, soft and pouty. Jonathan gasped into his mouth and Teddy’s hand came up to cradle his face. Jonathan clung to his arm. Chole made a delighted sound. It was easier in his mind to do this with a plausible deniability of doing it for a girl.
Jonathan broke the kiss first to breathe, and the music ratcheted up a knock, so loud and heavy it made his bones shake. Chole kissed him on the corner of his mouth. “Très beau.”
Jonathan glanced back to Teddy’s fiery eyes. He chased those lips again. Teddy matched him, kissing him deeply, caressing his side and holding his neck as the world vanished around them and narrowed to only Teddy.
Jonathan stepped back into the middle and swapped kisses with Chole and Teddy, feeling devoured when Chole took his lips and Teddy dipped his head down to mouth at his ear and then mouthed down to where his pulse throbbed in his neck.
Jonathan rolled between them, nowhere to escape. “Teddy,” he whispered when Teddy’s teeth grazed the tender skin of his throat. Chole swallowed his words down, the kiss turning messy and open-mouthed.
Teddy sucked on his skin and licked him before returning to his ear, which he took the lobe into his mouth, breathing hot and heavy against Jonathan. Teddy eased Jonathan to fully face him as Chole naturally broke away and Jonathan turned into Teddy’s arms. “Teddy,” he repeated and it started to feel natural, the way Teddy’s lips pressed against his, tugging on Jonathan’s bottom lip.
Chole plastered herself against Jonathan’s side and rested her head near his chest, she gave around his nipple a small squeeze and Jonathan gasped, stepped closer to Teddy, who laughed and rested their foreheads together.
Jonathan came back to himself with a wave of regret. He was in the middle of a dance floor and embarrassing himself, swooning into two people’s arms, allowing himself to be passed back and forth, the heat of the moment abandoned him and he detangled himself.
“I need to smoke,” he said and left. Outside the cold air stung him and he pressed a hand to his chest to take even breaths.
“You need a cigarette?” Teddy asked. Jonathan turned and he stood by the entrance.
“Yes. Thank you.” Jonathan took it.
“And a light?”
Jonathan nodded and Teddy didn’t give it to him. He kept the lighter in his hand and Jonathan brought the cigarette to it and then his mouth.
“Your girl misses you,” Teddy said. “I think. I mean I don’t need to speak French to understand a woman scorned.”
Jonathan stepped away from him. He leaned over the front rail. “I needed some fresh air.”
“Ah, Jonathan, only you could find the bad from that. Come on, it can’t be your first time kissing a man.”
“It’s not,” Jonathan said. “I almost slept with a man.”
“Almost?”
“I couldn’t do it,” Jonathan busied himself with smoking. He didn’t turn back to see Teddy, but he heard him step closer and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.
“Couldn’t get it up?”
Teddy tone was joking but Jonathan stayed sincere. He didn’t take the out. “That wasn’t the problem.”
Teddy came up to his side and put a bent elbow on the railing, facing Jonathan. “Are you going to tell me the problem or be mysterious?”
“I’m not mysterious,” Jonathan said. “Not at all. You’re mysterious.”
“Am I? I disagree. I’m a goddamn open book.”
Jonathan gave him a sidelong glance. “I guess I’ve always been more comfortable around women. It’s easier and more expected, especially when I was growing up. I never really let myself even explore the possibility of other options.”
“Really? Not even just to try?”
Jonathan shook his head. “I couldn’t do it,” Jonathan ran through the night one more time, spinning it around in his head so fast he got dizzy. “I was young and then I never tried again. I was in the military and the stakes of getting caught were too high. Then I was married and I never took that chance again.”
“I don’t get this, at all. I think you try everything, at least once. How else will you know what you like?”
“I was too much of a coward to.” Jonathan returned to his cigarette, which he’d let burn away. He flicked the lingering ash off.
“But you wanted to?”
“I don’t know what I wanted,” Jonathan said. “But I let it happen up to a point. I’m not good at interpersonal stuff and I’ve never been good in relationships. I haven’t had a normal one in decades.”
“Guys like us aren’t meant for that. We live a life on the edge. Or used to. Now we’ve skipped normal and headed for the retirement home.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“Not bad. Quiet though.”
“Do you miss your life in Colombia?”
“Sometimes,” Teddy said. “Sometimes not.”
“Now who’s mysterious.”
“Still you. Do you want to go back in there?”
“No, I’m done. But you should go back.”
“With what? We have no money left.”
“I’m sure someone will buy you a drink.”
“I don’t want someone to buy me a drink,” Teddy stepped away from the rail and went down the steps to the road. He set off to walk the long way back to the car on his on, a lonely figure in the dark, silhouette lit up by the occasional burst of light from his cigarette.
Jonathan took a deep breath. He’d always regretted that night, but it wasn’t the only one. He jogged to catch up to Teddy. “In Cartagena, if I hadn’t mentioned the arms, what were you planning?”
Teddy rolled his shoulders in. He usually took up so much space, lit up a room so totally but when he got flighty he caved in on himself. “I don’t know, what were you planning?”
“Teddy—”
“You were the one in control the whole time. I was the fucking idiot.”
“No, Teddy,” Jonathan caught his arm. He didn’t want to let Teddy go, at all, ever. “I’m sorry about that. I was just wondering. Were you going to kill me, anyway?”
“No,” Teddy couldn’t help but he honest. It sounded dragged out of him. “Not kill you.”
“Then what? Go back to your room? Alone.”
“Jonathan,” Teddy warned. “Ask what you want to ask.”
“You were keeping me occupied with Roxana.”
“I was.”
“You wanted me lost and unfocused,” Jonathan said. “And distracted. So why, that night, when we were dancing,” Jonathan was breathless. “Did you move my hand?”
Teddy’s eyes flicked up to his and then down. “I had a reputation to maintain. I keep what’s mine private.”
Jonathan’s thumb brushed over his forearm. “You had a man on me almost the whole time.”
“You fucking slipped your collar enough, so don’t complain.”
“What were you planning?”
Teddy snatched his arm away. He pushed Jonathan’s shoulder and he stumbled back. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Eduardo—”
“Is this all a joke to you! You fucking ruined my life, you bastard. That’s not enough and now you have to drag all this shit up.”
Jonathan held up his hands. “I was only—”
“Cállate, cállate,” Teddy’s hands were back on him, weakly shoving him, gripping his shirt tightly. “No quiero oírlo.”
“Teddy—”
Teddy shoved him again. They must look drunk, but he was stone cold sober. Teddy held the front of his shirt and marched them back to the car.
“I can drive,” Jonathan said.
“Good for you,” Teddy sat in the driver’s seat. He collapsed like a puppet with its strings cut and pressed his head against wheel.
“Are you okay?”
“Stop talking,” Teddy said. “Stop.”
Jonathan sighed and turned out the window. Teddy drove them back, too slowly and they were stuck breathing the same air. Finally, when they arrived Jonathan got out.
He wrapped Teddy up in his arms once they crossed the threshold. “What the fuck—” Teddy squirmed and Jonathan didn’t let him go. He screwed his eyes shut and felt Teddy’s body surrender to the hold. “You son of bitch.”
Jonathan breathed in the scent at the top of his head, shampoo and soap. “Can I speak?”
“No,” Teddy mumbled against his shoulder. He laid his head down on Jonathan’s shoulder, brought his arms around Jonathan. “Not yet.”
Jonathan kissed his head. Teddy melted into his arms, he spilled like liquid all over Jonathan, settling into every inch.
Teddy stepped away first. Jonathan squeezed his arm in parting. “It’s not a game to me.”
Teddy shushed him. “Tomorrow. Let me have tonight, please.”
“Okay,” Jonathan relented.
Teddy drew in close as he passed Jonathan to head down the hall. He sighed and brought a hand down on the side of Jonathan’s head. He rose up and tugged Jonathan down to kiss his forehead, long and tenderly.
Then he disappeared down the hallway.
***
Jonathan waited for Teddy to emerge for breakfast, but he stayed in his room until around noon when he waltzed out. “Buenos días.”
“Buenas tardes,” Jonathan checked his watch. It was a little after twelve. Teddy flapped a hand at him. He brewed a cup of coffee and sipped it. His eyes never left Jonathan. “I think we should talk, Teddy. Clear the air.”
Teddy made a face and raised his eyebrows. “All we do is talk and now you want to talk even more.”
“I do,” Jonathan held out his hand. Teddy eyed it like Jonathan was going to attack him. Jonathan reached out further for him. “C’mere.”
Teddy crept forward. He hovered his hand over Jonathan’s. He grabbed it and curled his fingers behind Teddy’s, thumb on top like a proper gentleman. Jonathan raised Teddy’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it.
Teddy stared him down. Jonathan looked away and kissed his hand again, the skin smooth and thin enough to feel the tendons and veins underneath.
“What are you doing?” Teddy asked. “What are you playing at?”
“Nothing.”
“There’s always something with you.”
Jonathan smiled reassuringly at him “Do you not want me to?”
“I don’t care,” Teddy said but looked how he did whenever Jonathan touched him, like was going to snap or break apart into a million pieces. “But I’m not going to be the sucker.”
“I’m not going to screw you over. Don’t you trust me?”
“Maybe I trust to easily.”
“Teddy,” Jonathan’s thumb made little circles over Teddy’s knuckles. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“What were you thinking last night?”
Teddy reacted like he’d been socked in the mouth, he snatched his hand away and his body closed off. “Why’d you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
Teddy glared at him and Jonathan read the answer from his expressive eyes. “Because I wanted you to know.”
“Jonathan,” Teddy warned. “I told you not to mess with me.”
“I’m not,” Jonathan held his hands up. Teddy went back to his coffee and then spread out on the couch and stayed there all day. Jonathan read his book and pretended like everything was fine.
Jonathan cooked dinner today, hot turkey sandwiches which Teddy approached like they were poison but then ate and said it was fine.
Jonathan put a hand on his thigh. “I’ll take it.”
Teddy relaxed a little, as he always did when Jonathan touched him. Jonathan had become addicted to it, to the response he always got when Teddy softened.
That night, Teddy went downstairs and found a very old bottle of wine tucked in drawer. They shared it on the couch, not bothering with glasses and instead passing it back and forth.
They finished it off as the TV played an old black and white movie. Jonathan set it down and held out his hand. Teddy took it and Jonathan stroked over his knuckles and reclined back.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jonathan asked. He brought the hand to his lips and kissed it, then turned his wrist to drag his lips over Teddy’s forearm. His mouth touched a scar and Teddy jolted.
“Isn’t that one already?” Teddy said. “Yeah, sure.”
Jonathan uncurled his fingers and kissed Teddy’s palm. “I know you want me. So why haven’t you done anything about it? We’re safe here and alone.”
Teddy shook his head. “You don’t understand anything, do you?”
“I’m trying.”
“You don’t know. You think you know everything,” Teddy accused. “And everyone wants you, is that right? You come into my life, you flirt, you tease, you touch and act like you give shit about me. You’re the worst kind of tease,” Teddy tore his hand away.
“I’m not teasing you, Teddy,” Jonathan said. "I do care."
Teddy scoffed at him. “Right. You must think I’m a fool.”
“I know you felt—feel something, I know there’s something here and I don’t have a lot of experience in this field, but I want to explore it with you. If you’ll have me.”
He shook his head in disbelief and stood up. “Then get up,” he told Jonathan.
Jonathan sprung to his feet. Teddy stepped forward and Jonathan faltered backwards. He repeated it. Jonathan tried to stop himself from retreating, but his body worked on autopilot to back away. Teddy cornered him against the wall and stood in front of him, breaking into his personal space. “Not teasing, though?”
Jonathan squared his shoulders and surged forward, kissing Teddy soundly. “Not at all.”
Teddy wrapped his hands around Jonathan’s neck, thumbs digging into the points of his jaw. “You don’t know what you’re getting into,” Teddy said. “What you’re messing with.”
Jonathan knew. He felt it himself. He wound his arms around Teddy and held him close. “I want it.”
“Can you handle it?”
“I can handle anything.”
Teddy slammed a hand on the wall beside his head. “Is that what you told the other guy—the one you tried to fuck?”
“That was a long time ago.”
“Really. How long?”
“I was seventeen,” Jonathan told him.
“Did you go in all recklessly and offer yourself like this.”
Jonathan kissed Teddy instead of answering. Teddy braced himself against the wall with one hand and the other trailed down his ass and under his thigh. Teddy hefted Jonathan’s leg up and Jonathan curled it around Teddy’s hips.
Jonathan turned his head, sliding their faces together and nuzzling against Teddy. “No. I was too cautious.”
“I find that hard to believe,” Teddy said. His feet adjusted their stance, and he held under Jonathan’s knee where it curled around his hips and lifted Jonathan’s other leg. Jonathan fell for a second, pressed back against the wall for support as Teddy’s hands held him under his ass. Jonathan shifted forward to curl his arms around Teddy’s neck.
“Teddy—”
Teddy stepped away from the support of the wall and held Jonathan’s weight. He knew he wasn’t the lightest person, but Teddy only let out a small grunt as he carried Jonathan, who tried to support his own weight as much as possible.
Teddy crashed him down on the bed. “Tell me what happened.”
“There’s nothing to tell. We made out and then he blew me and then he—” Jonathan cut off to gasp as Teddy’ teeth dragged over his neck. “He wanted to fuck me.”
“Where were you?”
“In a garage,” Jonathan said. “Against the wall. I kicked him when he tried to put anything inside of me.”
“But you wanted it,” Teddy worried the skin between his teeth and sucked. “Didn’t you?”
“Yes,” Jonathan confessed. “But I was too scared to do it.”
Teddy laughed and crawled up him to kiss his cheek and mouth. Their lips brushed and Teddy took Jonathan’s lower one and caressed it. “Are you scared now?” Teddy’s thumb replaced his mouth at the seam of Jonathan’s lips. He licked it on pure instinct.
“A little but don’t stop. Teddy I need to, I need to give you what you want. I’ll do anything. Let me try, Teddy, I can—”
Teddy’s thumb dipped into his mouth. “Relax, baby.”
“For fuck’s sake you don’t have to treat me like this. I’m older than you.”
“So?” Teddy said. “You need it,” Teddy raised his eyebrows. He lowered his forehead to rest along Jonathan’s cheek. “I knew since I had you in the pool”
Jonathan trembled. “I was acting.”
“No, that was true. The only honest part of you in Colombia was your body. You’re always playing a role, the charming but gullible investor, the hero, the brave leader, a nice gentleman who doesn’t kiss and tell.”
Jonathan could stare into Teddy’s eyes and listen to him tell Jonathan who he was all night.
“You’re always serving someone else, something else,” Teddy snuggled closer, nuzzling his face and grinding his hips slowly against Jonathan. No rush here. “Wearing a mask but I can see under it.”
Jonathan grabbed his ass, urged him closer by it. There was nothing to Teddy, his lithe and lean body seemed to shape-shift. “I’m nobody, Teddy. There’s nothing under it. That man is long gone.”
“You’re lying again,” Teddy pushed his index and middle fingers into Jonathan’s mouth. “How long have you waited for someone to see through your suave Englishman act and see how much you need to be taken care of?”
Jonathan tried to deny it as Teddy’s fingers eased out of his mouth. “Are you going to fuck me or talk?”
“Not yet,” Teddy’s legs curled up on either side of Jonathan’s ribs. “We’re going to go nice and slow. That’s how you break a scared horse. Patience.”
Jonathan centered himself, reminded his body to breathe. “I won’t be scared if you just do it.”
Teddy’s hands framed his face, fingers in his hair and thumbs digging into his cheekbones. “You go too far, Jonathan,” he scolded. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, I know you can handle anything. I’ve seen it, you made me hurt you once and I won’t do it again.”
“Okay,” Jonathan said. “Okay.”
“Relax,” Teddy’s broad hands traced his shoulders. “Stop thinking and just feel.”
Jonathan couldn’t. His mind turned over the situation, and he didn’t know how to even touch Teddy right. “I’m not a selfish lover, Teddy, I can—” Jonathan tried to reverse their positions, but Teddy redoubled his grip and added more weight to pin Jonathan down. Jonathan relented and gripped Teddy’s ass tightly.
Teddy bit and sucked Jonathan’s neck down his chest. “I am selfish and I want you right here like this,” Teddy spread Jonathan’s legs, softened the guidance with more kisses that made Jonathan pliable. That’s all he did for several moments. He pulled Jonathan’s shirt over his head and kissed down neck and chest until everything was warm and Jonathan’s hips grinded up against Teddy’s.
“That’s it,” Teddy’s teeth caught against his neck. He hadn’t been given a hickey since he was a teenager, but Teddy sucked on his skin enough he’d have one in the morning. Jonathan let him. “You focus on me, okay? Can you do that?”
“Yes,” Jonathan panted. He wanted to be good for Teddy, to do what he wanted.
Teddy teeth delicately captured his neck again. Jonathan’s head rolled back, leaving him even more exposed.
“Lay there,” Teddy said. He sat up to speak. “And look pretty for me.”
“I—” Jonathan wasn’t the pretty one. Teddy looked like he’d walked out of a runway show to come here. His hair dark and currently going in a million directions, his lips perfectly shaped and big doe-eyes too much. Jonathan might have once been pretty, but he was now on the wrong side of forty. “You don’t have to flatter me.”
“And you don’t have to dispute every little thing I say,” Teddy said. He scooted back and worked Jonathan’s pants down his legs and his underwear. Teddy kissed the crease of his knee and rubbed his calf loose.
He ventured upwards and took the tip of Jonathan’s semi-hard dick into his mouth. Teddy went so, as if acclimating Jonathan to it. He’d had countless blowjobs before, but this was special. Teddy was doing it, his Teddy.
Teddy proud head lowered and bobbed as he inched his mouth further down. His hand assisted him and he increased suction around Jonathan. He possessed the ability to control his reaction, but he suddenly didn’t want to. He wanted to let go and moan and writhe like a porn star—but he didn’t. He gasped a little when Teddy took him deeper into his mouth but held still.
All the blood in his body rushed between his legs. He got light-headed from the continuous pleasure of Teddy’s mouth on him. Teddy worked him over until Jonathan’s dick ached and he lost control of his hips, shoving forward.
“Sorry, sorry.”
“Tranquilo,” Teddy sucked the tender skin where his thigh met his hip. His hands pushed Jonathan down. He tried to thrust his hips again, but Teddy’s grip was too strong and unyielding. “Tranquilo,” he repeated, as if casting a spell.
Jonathan curled his hands into fists. Teddy’s eyes flicked up to him. He smiled at Jonathan and returned to his work. He seemed perfectly attuned to Jonathan’s body, sucking and licking every inch.
Jonathan couldn’t move his hips at all. Instead, he twisted his legs, seeking out something. Teddy held him easily. Jonathan shouldn’t like it all. But he was hard enough to fuck anything. Jonathan didn’t want to come. He should stay hard for more but Teddy’s skill and enthusiasm sent up ratcheting towards his peak too quickly. Teddy sensed this and eased up to gently suck the tip.
“Turn around,” Teddy whispered. “On all fours.”
“No, Teddy, I want to see you—”
“You will,” Teddy leaned back to give him room and guided him to roll onto him stomach. “This is going to make it easier.”
Jonathan rolled onto his stomach. He’d never been seen from this angle. “Turn off the lights, Teddy.”
“I want to see you,” Teddy leaned down to kiss his shoulder. Jonathan relented and rose up on all fours. Teddy moved behind him, he ran his hands down Jonathan’s back then spread his cheeks. Jonathan lowered his head under his heart and all the blood rushed to his head.
“What are you doing?”
Teddy dove into his hole with his tongue, licking over him. He sealed his mouth around the opening and rubbed his tongue over it, again and again.
Nerves awakened inside of Jonathan’s body, and he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own heart and the lewd noises Teddy made. The lewdness of the act, the way Jonathan’s body reacted and how spread out and vulnerable it made him, didn’t take away from how horribly good it felt. Jonathan arched his back into it and Teddy reacted by digging his thumbs into the inside of Jonathan’s ass and spreading him more. Jonathan’s knees slid apart when Teddy’s mouth reconnected and his tongue teased his hole.
It didn’t venture inside but the attention to his rim sent Jonathan into a desperate grind against Teddy’s face. He shifted his weight to one elbow and reached down to fist his dick. He pressed the heel of his hand down to take the edge off.
Teddy stopped and rubbed down his sides and hips. He gripped Jonathan’s waist, pulled him back against Teddy’s still clothed lap. The harsh burn of his pants against Jonathan’s spit-soaked and raw crack. Teddy undid one of his little fussy belt and the buckle grazed Jonathan as it hung open. Teddy’s semi-hard dick pressed against his ass, into the valley between his cheeks.
Teddy’s shifted and the head of his dick pressed against his hole. Jonathan heard him spit and could feel him spreading it along the tip of his dick, which leaked a little. Jonathan seized up. Teddy draped over him, hips shifting and pressing in as he urged Jonathan’s hips back, allowing him to breach Jonathan’s hole.
Jonathan clamped down hard on the intrusion. Teddy stilled as he got used to it. Jonathan groaned and the pain of stretching eased as he breathed through it. “Teddy—” Jonathan gasped.
“I got you,” Teddy said. “I’ve got you.”
Jonathan reacted with violent spasms. He hung suspended between bucking Teddy off him and drawing him in more.
Teddy’s hands fanned over his lower back. His pressed his mouth against Jonathan’s burning skin and fed his dick slowly into Jonathan’s body, carving out a new place for himself inside of Jonathan. It burns through him, coursing into his stomach and into his spine.
“Teddy, speed up,” Jonathan begged. The slow press became too much to bear. “I’m not made of glass. I can take it.”
Teddy slowed to a crawl. Jonathan pressed his face into the pillow, remembered how to breathe. “No, you can’t,” Teddy inched in him, forcing Jonathan to feel very minute detail of his dick, feel his ass stretch to accommodate it. Teddy’s hands held him to together as he felt himself breaking apart when Teddy bottomed out and held himself there.
Jonathan clung to the sheets and Teddy rocked into him with these tiny little thrusts. Jonathan’s chest tightened and he couldn’t fully expand his lungs, forced to take tiny, light-breaths. He released a tiny whine when Teddy gave his first real thrust, slow and deep.
Jonathan’s hips moved in an echo of Teddy’s thrust and his ass felt so full, dick wedged so deep inside of him, scooping out his nerves and making room. It stung Jonathan in his tender spots that he was the kind of who liked this sort of thing, took it up the ass and didn’t just tolerate it but liked it.
Teddy, who’d insisted on making this good for him, didn’t relent the torture. Jonathan’s body malfunctioned, he’d never felt like this. He’d always given pleasure but never had to receive it like this, opening his body for Teddy to root around inside. Teddy, perfect, gorgeous, kind Teddy with his strong hands and expressive face and eyes thrust into him, was inside of him and Jonathan couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that they were here together.
Teddy’s dick hit the right spot inside of him. It made him moan out loud, wanton and not himself. He doesn’t have the energy to consider his dignity, the void inside of him needed more. He clenched down on Teddy, internal muscles squeezing and holding him inside. It was such a strange sensation, Jonathan couldn’t get used to it, could only be driven crazy by it.
The pleasure built deep in his gut, in his dick, in his entire body; down his trembling abs and quivering hole. And Jonathan wanted to bolt, he wanted to run away from this and never return. He couldn’t face this. It’s too much, it’s too much already but it didn’t stop, not the pleasure inside of him, an endless wave with no crest. Teddy patiently waited him out, hands tenderly roaming over his back as ass. They breathed in together and took a small breather as Teddy pulled out.
A tremor wrecked his body at the loss and he pathetically whined. “On your back,” Teddy commanded. “You wanted it on your back, yes?”
Jonathan nodded and turned over. Teddy leaned over him and kissed him. He pushed Jonathan’s legs up to his chest and planted his arms over them, folding Jonathan in half and his dick pushed back inside. Jonathan shifted to help him guide it inside of him. Jonathan held onto Teddy’s shoulders as the thrusts resumed, dragging through him where he was wet and on fire.
Their noses brushed and Teddy sped up. The position hit a different angle, struck Jonathan deeper. Teddy’s dick impaled him, pinned him to the bed and he writhed on his back. Teddy’s mouth hung open and his eyes dilated wide. He drank up everything Jonathan gave him.
Teddy lost his iron-control and fucked him hard and fast, hammering him past the point of comprehension. Jonathan's eyes stayed pinned on him. Teddy screwed his shut and came inside of him. Jonathan gasped and Teddy chased the aftershocks inside of Jonathan.
Jonathan reached his hand down and jerked himself off, Teddy still inside of him, hard enough still to maintain the pressure against his walls. Jonathan’s hips rolled down and he fucked his fist. His thighs shook from the spread out position and he fell apart when Teddy’s dick was removed from his body and replaced with two fingers.
Teddy wrist twisted and his fingers moved slowly and steady, searched out the inner depths of him, mapped it out. Teddy’s fingers were slow but not gentle, they rocked in hard. Jonathan turned his head away from Teddy’s to kiss his jaw anyway. Jonathan gripped the sheet with his free hand. He had no leverage like this—he could only take it.
Jonathan came. It hit him like a freight train with intensity that bordered on agony. Teddy’s fingers fucked him through it, his mouth found Jonathan’s and drank in his sounds. Jonathan’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and his vision blurred. He came back to himself in waves, Teddy’s fingers caressed his rim as they left his body. He sucked wet marks on Jonathan’s neck. Teddy moved his hands and Jonathan’s legs fell down. He couldn’t control his body anymore. Teddy settled over him like a blanket, keeping Jonathan’s legs spread and open against the bed.
Jonathan realized that Teddy came inside of him with a shot of fresh shame. He tried to get up but Teddy’s weight settled on top of him. “Don’t move, let me,” Teddy kissed his forehead and left and came back in short order. He dragged a damp washcloth over Jonathan’s come-stained stomach and then to the bits that spilled out of his hole, still tender and loose and open.
Teddy collapsed into him. His head tucked into Jonathan’s neck, biting him a little. Teddy sometimes treated him more of a chew toy than a man.
“How was your first time?” Teddy asked, he grinned against Jonathan’s skin, but his voice gave away his worry.
Jonathan ran his hand through his black hair, over his brow damp with sweat from the effort he put into fucking Jonathan. “It was perfect. Thank you, darling.”
Teddy shoved his face against Jonathan, rubbing his head and body against him. “Better than the other guy?”
“There was no other guy,” Jonathan sighed. “It’s incomparable.”
“But you didn’t let him.”
“I didn’t.”
“And you let me.”
Jonathan let his ruined body speak for itself. He basked in the afterglow until he had to get up and shower. Teddy went with him, held him under the spray. He got unbelievably clingy, melting against Jonathan’s back and not budging at all.
Jonathan indulged him, of course. Teddy insisted on helping him clean himself out, he held Jonathan’s leg up, exposing his ass to the spray as the residual come was washed out. Jonathan wanted to hide but Teddy cupped his face and kissed him.
Teddy sprawled out on the bed after, naked and dripping wet. Jonathan fell into the bed next to him. He shut his eyes and drifted off the sleep like that.
***
In the morning, he was sore all over. His ass did hurt but the worst pain bunched up the muscles in his thighs. He’d strained himself holding that position, but he’d wanted to look at Teddy. Jonathan woke up to an empty bed, and he lingered there for a moment before standing and heading into the kitchen.
He heard the rattling of pots and pans first before he turned the corner to see Teddy cooking breakfast.
“Morning,” Jonathan said.
“Morning,” Teddy turned to look at him and Jonathan kissed him in greeting.
“Are you making me breakfast?”
“I’m making breakfast. You can have some,” Teddy teased. Jonathan grabbed at his sides and squeezed. Teddy laughed and shoved him away. “Don’t mess with me, cabrón.”
Jonathan held his hands up. Teddy finished and served him arrepas and eggs. He’d left a storm of dishes in the kitchen. It looked like a tornado had been through. “Breakfast. So this means last night wasn’t a meaningless hookup?”
Teddy chewed loudly and drank. “What do you want it to be? I’m—you know how I feel.”
“I don’t,” Jonathan said. He ate some of his meal and it settled warm and delicious in his stomach.
“I’ll take whatever you’ll give. If this is a gay experiment, I’ll show you best the time of your life.”
Jonathan smiled. He brought his hand down on Teddy’s thigh. “You’re not an experiment, Teddy.
“Aren’t I? Hm? You’d never tried it, now you have. You were exploring. It's not normal to play the field."
“I was exploring and I found,” Jonathan ran his hand up and down Teddy’s leg. “That I want you even more than I did yesterday. I’d never felt like that before and I want you to do that again, as soon as possible actually.”
“Okay.”
Jonathan turned in his chair to face Teddy head-on. “And I want to wake with you every morning and have breakfast with you. And I want to talk to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Teddy.”
Teddy reeled back in shock. He schooled his face. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” Jonathan gazed into his eyes. “I don’t take this trivially, Eduardo. I play for keeps.”
Teddy lit up. They kissed and rested their foreheads against each other. “I fucked you that good, huh?”
Jonathan chuckled. “Naturally.”
They fucked again later. Teddy sat on the couch and showed Jonathan how to suck his dick. He patiently guided Jonathan through it when he gagged and choked. Jonathan showed his appreciation through worshipping his dick. He was dizzy by the end when Teddy bent him over the couch and fucked him, in that steady, deep slow way that Jonathan needed but found hard to accept. Teddy held his wrists behind his back and immobilized him, made him take it nice and easy and not rush through. He fucked him raw and needy until he begged and sobbed for Teddy to let him come. Teddy touched him but he didn’t stop fucking Jonathan, who took it through oversensitivity sparking in his nerves.
“Teddy,” Jonathan gasped and his hole worked over Teddy’s dick anyway, no matter that Jonathan felt too weak to move. Teddy guided him through it and he played Jonathan's body like a violin, drawing from Jonathan things he didn't know were possible.
“Look at you,” Teddy said, in awe. “I'll take care of you." Jonathan squirmed and trembled all over. He milked Teddy dick as he came inside. “I know how much you need it.”
Jonathan did, god help him he did. Jonathan needed him more than he cared for how embarrassing it felt to be reduced to desperate begging. His desire for Teddy crushed against his lungs, made it hard to breathe around. Even Teddy’s smile, sly and sharp and disarmingly charming and innocent, destroyed him.
He traced over Teddy's elegant face in the afterglow, totally free to touch him, hold him, kiss him endlessly and bask in his presence. He touched their foreheads together and closed his eyes. He didn't have to say anything. Their bodies had always been honest with one another.