Chapter Text
July 4 - 10:43pm
Trinity and Mel had just finished screaming their hearts out to Alanis Morrisette on the tiny beer soaked stage. The crowd was composed of old yinzers with jerseys just as telling of their age as their grey hair and a group of 30-something's singing almost as hard as they were.
Dana and Cassie decided it was easier to just go with them, rather than stay up all night to make sure they made it home safe.
After 2 more songs and an unknown number of tequila sodas, Trinity tumbled down onto the chair closest to Dana. Mel took the chair between Trinity and Cassie.
"Okay. That... was... amazing." Mel said through wide eyes. Still thoroughly shocked that she was really there. She couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt for not checking on Becca for the fourth time that night, but it was quickly overruled by her excitement to have a newfound connection with someone outside of her twin.
"Tol'ja. Stick with me girl." Trinity slurred, patting Mel on the shoulder.
Dana chuckled as Mel jumped at the contact. "You two were quite the pair up there. I didn't know you could make that much sound, kid!"
"Me neither." Her eyes locked on Dana's. Cassie couldn’t help but smile at the sincerity of her answer.
"So... how often do you come here to do... that," Cassie asked, wiping up the puddles of Trinity's drinks she had spilled on the table.
"mmm. Only a few times. At this place anyways."
Cassie and Dana exchanged a smirk that creased the corner of their eyes. Oh, to be young.
Trinity shook the table trying to balance herself as she stood.
“Have to pee. Be right back.”
Cassie was vigilant, running to catch up with her. The two giggled when Cassie snagged her by the back of her shirt. Dana smiled watching her girl take care of someone she cared for.
Mel turned to Dana, exhaustion starting to show in her eyes. “I think I am gonna call a Lyft. This shift… the deposition… I am so tired.”
“You sure, hon? We’re happy to take you home.”
“I’m sure. My place is close by, it won’t cost much. Tell Trinity I said this was really, really fun. Are you working tomorrow?”
“Nope. I’ve got 2 days off. A miracle from Jesus himself.”
“You deserve it. Enjoy it. And get some rest. Goodnight, Dana!”
“Goodnight, sweetheart. Good luck tomorrow, and get some sleep!” She called out as Mel turned toward the exit.
Dana took in the last of her beer in one final gulp. Looking around at the quintessential Pittsburgh crowd. Smiling to herself.
Cassie and Trinity returned like they had battled through the great war. Sweatier and clumsier then when they had left.
“Alright, kid. How 'bout we get you home?”
"Don't wanna go home. Too quiet. Fuckleberry is screwing his milkmaid tonight.”
All three of them couldn’t help but laugh.
"I'd be allll alloooonee," she sings-songed, "and that never goes well," her words dissolved as she took another gulp of her watered down drink.
Cassie’s head tilted, just slightly. Dana was about to ask when–
"and. AND. I'm a big girl", bringing her finger to her chest, "I can get home jus' fine."
"Well, big girl, I'm sure you can. But we aren't gonna leave you here by yourself. It's late, and you've had plenty of fun-" she coaxed the almost-empty glass out of her hand, setting it just out of reach.
“Fine. But only cause I don't like taking ubers. They're always men. Why are they always men? 'n men are nasty pigs who love to put their hands on drunk women. Or sober women. Or little girls..." the words trail off as Cassie lifts her by the arm, guiding her around the crowded tables.
The pair crossed the gravel lot. Approaching a white Toyota RAV4, Cassie snagged the keys out of her pocket. "Alright, love. We're good. We got this."
She opened the back right door. Guiding Trinity’s head under the frame. She reached across, dragging the buckle to click it into place.
“Alright, Mama McKay.” A sly smile came across her lips. Eyes unopened since she was placed in the seat.
Cassie scoffed, but truthfully it made her heart happy. Being a mom was the greatest joy in her life. Being that for another deserving kid, even just for one drunken night, was just as rewarding.
She carefully closed the back door, looking like she would for Harrison , careful not to catch her fingers in the door. She climbed into the driver's seat just as Dana opened the passenger door.
“Oohhh yeah big girl. You racked up a big girl tab, too. Takin’ that outta your next paycheck.”
Dana tilted her glare towards Cassie, then flicked her eyes up to the rear view mirror. The sight of Trinity, face pressed to the glass, eyes closed, knocked the attitude clear out of her voice.
The car shifted to drive. Radio barely hummed to 102.5. Streetlights glared across Trinity’s face, but her eyes stayed shut.
July 4 - 11:58pm
The thud of the passenger door startled her awake. Trinity’s eyes sparked open. A moment of panic flooded her nerves before she remembered whose car she was in. The mix of their perfumes and Harrison's soccer bag at her feet brought her back to reality.
Dana opened the door. Half expecting to catch Trinity’s head in her hands.
“Good mornin’ sleeping beauty…”
Trinity's eyes scaled Dana’s face, looking for frustration. All she could find was an undemanding smile.
It wasn’t until she stepped onto the pavement that she realized this was not her home. She actually had no fucking idea where she was. She turned to face Dana again, her face clearly stirring with confusion.
“Well darlin. Couldn’t really ask for your address while you were snorin’ against the window.”
“I don’t snore.” She snarked with a pointed finger.
“Yeah you do.” Cassie called from the front porch.
Trinity’s eyes rolled over.
“okay. okay. Wait - okay…Why am I here?”
“You too cool for a sleepover? C’mon. We’ve got a beautiful guest bedroom calling your name.”
Dana wrapped her arm around Trinity’s shoulders, pulling her into her side before guiding their steps towards the front door.
July 5 - 12:10am
The hallway light was bleeding into the guest bedroom. Cassie clicked the bedside lamp on. Setting a folded set of clothes onto the bed. A pair of shorts and a huge rocker tee. Cassie’s typical late-night uniform.
“Bathroom is to the right. Our bedroom is to the left. If you need us just knock, okay?”
“Mmkay. Ha. McKay. Mmkay McKay.”
Cassie's blank stare only brought another snort from Trinity. She backed into the hallway, shaking her head.
“Goodnight… shithead.” The remark was just as amusing as the stare.
By the time Dana made it into the bedroom Trinity was under the covers, one arm draped over her eyes, lamp still glowing bright.
“Okay, big girl… sweet dreams.” She kissed her hand and ran it over the girl's hair. Clicked off the lamp, and turned to the door.
After two steps she tripped over the big black purse thrown down on the floor. She picked up the dirty clothes first, tossing them onto the dresser. Then the bag, whose contents had spilled out on the hardwood. She put it back together, a brown wallet… headphones straight out of the 80’s… and 2 wrapped scalpels.
Her stomach turned. Why would she have 2 wrapped scalpels ready in her purse?
Thoughts from the night played in her mind. Off-hand comments. Sentences unfinished.
She pocketed the scalpels and placed the bag gently on the dresser. Giving one more look to the sleeping girl before pulling the door closed.
July 5 - 2:18am
Ow.
Ow.
Holy fucking– ow.
Okay. Water. Need water. Find water.
Trinity crawled out of the bed. Feeling like a ghost in a home she was learning to haunt.
She ran her fingers along the hallway wall as she stepped down the photo lined hallway. Careful not to bump into the frames.
Thank god the kitchen cabinets were glass. She could see exactly where the glasses were without making any sound. She reached for a taller glass on the second shelf, then turned towards the fridge. Of course the doctor/nurse lesbian moms had a Brita, especially having a kid in the house.
Her second glass was half full when she heard the creak in the floorboard. Whipping her head around, she saw Cassie in an outfit almost identical to the one she was wearing.
“Sorry, just needed water.” Trinity lifted the glass towards Cassie.
“Same. Our room gets so hot during the summer, I’m sweating like I’m on a fucking run.”
The women shared a soft laugh. Careful. Cassie felt a different warmth from Trinity. It kept the smile on her face a moment longer than it should have.
As her eyes drifted down to Trinity’s thighs, her smile faded.
The look on Cassie’s face was so broken. Her wide blue eyes glossed over as they met Trinity’s again. If it weren’t 2 in the morning she may have had the sense to change her look before she stepped forward. But it was, and she didn’t.
Reality sunk into Trinity’s heart. Then her stomach. Then her feet. She pressed against the kitchen island. Breaking the line of sight between Cassie and the dark crimson lines stretched across her legs.
Unsure and desperate not to scare her off, Cassie took slow steps until she was at the counter, pulling a glass down from the cabinet. She paused, but before she could get the chance to show she cared- Trinity was gone down the hall. The door closed softly, but hastily.
Cassie's hand landed over her mouth, dragging down her chin.
“Fuck.”
July 5 - 5:25am
Trinity crept towards the front door. The sleeves of her red top twisted in ways the fabric would only lay if it was put on rashly in a dark room by someone breaking out of their cell. Or a guest bedroom. All the same.
“And where do you think you’re going, missy?” Dana called from the oversized chair in the living room. Black coffee sitting next to her, the lack of steam showing she had been there for a while. She looked over her glasses the same way she did when Trinity would try to sneak into the breakroom instead of picking up her next patient.
“Figured I’d get out of here before you needed to leave. I would never want to keep the great Dana Evans from saving the souls of Pittsburgh's finest.”
“I’m off today. So is Cass. So are you…So get your butt over here and sit.”
The staring contest between them only lasted about 10 seconds. Trinity stood no chance, and she knew that. She sighed as her bag slipped off her shoulder down onto the floor in the entryway, pulling the jumbled strap of her top.
The couch was big, almost too big. U-shaped, lush green fabric, cushions that looked like you would morph into them if you stayed put too long. She picked the single cushion in the middle. Awkwardly perching herself there, waiting for her lashings.
“Wanna tell me what you’re running from, hon?”
Trinity turned to face her, catching sight of the 2 wrapped scalpels sitting in the shadow of the mug.. Her nerves lighting her skin ablaze. She was sure to steady her shaking hands and narrow her widening eyes, but the flush of her cheeks gave her away much to her dismay.
Then she heard it. The same creak she heard at 2am, when Cassie emerged from the hall.
“I thought I heard you both. So… none of us got much sleep…”
She placed herself right next to Trinity. Assertively close. Keeping her chest open towards her.
“You must be pretty special, kid.” Dana’s eyes caught Trinity’s. “I haven’t seen sleeping beauty here out of bed before 6 since, well, ever.” She hoped to get a small smirk out of her, but she stood no chance.
Trinity’s mind raced to catch up with her nerves. What's the way out? There has to be a way out.
“Look, I know I did not make excellent choices last night. Except for the song choices. Those were perfect. And I know I have always been a sloppy drunk. So thank you for babysitting, I will leave 5 stars in the app, I’ve got a 20 in my purse-”
“Hon. Stop. We’re so far past this shtick. It’s not gonna work here.”
Trinity’s head whipped between the two of them. Angry. Fearful. She pulled her legs underneath her on the couch. If she could make herself small enough they wouldn’t see the fear, right?
What’s the way out?
“Did you tell her? Really?! Okay fine. Fine. What? What can you possibly have to say? ‘Don’t cut yourself.’ Thanks, I never thought of that. As if you're just gonna swoop in and save me?
As if –”
Dana crossed to flank Trinity's other side. Cautious not to shift the weight of the cushions.
“Trinity. Stop. Just breathe, baby.” Cassie’s voice was firm and unwavering.
“Everything is okay.”
The words made her chest crawl. Her breathing quickened. Her eyes flickered between Cassie’s and her hands. There has to be a way out.
Dana snagged the blanket from the back of the couch, reaching across to hand the corner to Cassie. Draping it over Trinity.
Trinity jolted at the feeling of Dana’s hand on her back. She shook her head. Desperation filled her eyes while she looked at Cassie, but she was unable to speak. Find the way out.
Cassie’s eyes met hers with so much gentleness. Begging her to trust that this moment was safe. That she could let go and come out unscathed.
Dana’s other hand landed on her upper arm. The delicacy just as sharp as a knife sliding down her skin. Coaxing her, slowly, back into her arms.
Three hitches puffed out of her chest, forcing the sound of a laugh… praying she could trick them into letting go. Then tears. Big tears. Tears that had been pooling for 15 years.
… way out
Dana turned her, bringing her head to the crook of her neck.
“No. No. No. Ple-
Please- (softer)
please- (softer)”
There was no point.
Her face was pressed tight to Dana's skin. The pressure on her back guided out tears trapped in tense muscles and stifled sobs.
“Shhh. That’s it, sweetheart.” Whispered so soft she almost missed it. “There’s nothing to be scared of here…And I’m not scared of you. I’m not scared of all those thoughts in there.”
Dana ran her fingers through Trinity’s dark hair. The same way she would for her daughters when they came home crying about boys in the middle of the night. Ignoring the fact that they snuck out in the first place. There was a time and place for lecturing, but Dana always knew to comfort first, talk later. Nothing mattered more than her girls knowing they were safe in her arms.
Cassie laid a hand on her shin, sliding closer to the two women bound together. Feeling the way Trinity’s body shook under their touch only made her more determined to provide some sort of comfort.
“I’m here, hon. We’re here.”
“Right here.”
Trinity’s sobs were raw and breaking. Wetness dripped down onto Dana's sleeve, a mix of salt and snot and saliva. Her back tensed, followed by a failed attempt at pushing off of Dana’s shoulder. Choking as she tried to fight them off.
Why are you doing this? What can you take from me? Kindness is a weapon more destructive than violence. Gentleness a mask for depravity.
“please… I can’t– … I ca-”, her lungs unable to keep up with her pleading.
Knowing eyes locked between the older women. They both had felt that desperation a hundred times over. To beg for mercy in the form of abandonment. To be left to rot in your own head.
“It’s okay, sweetie.” Cassie leaned onto Trinity’s side. Wrapping one hand into her hair… thumb tracing the edge of her ear…
The action speaking for her- you don’t have to run from this… this is safe.
July 5 - 6:09am
Trinity was tucked onto the couch, making herself as small as she could be. Her hair fell forward like a curtain, hiding her face. Her legs were drawn tight behind Cassie, body pressed into the back cushions as if she could disappear into them if she pushed hard enough. When that didn’t work, she sought sanctuary under the weight of the blanket.
Dana’s eyes couldn’t help but drift back to her. She just looked so young. The same way her kids looked when they hid from broken hearts and playground bullies.
The hand that had been on her shin drifted up and down her leg, softening over the places Cassie’s mind remembered as crimson lines—yet still firm enough to say they didn’t scare her.
Deafening silence filled the room. Sobs had turned to careful breaths. Neither of the women were sure if Trinity’s stillness was from finally relaxing into the embrace, or the terror of what would happen if she moved.
It was terror… or panic… or both. Trinity despised emotions, she didn’t display them. What the fuck was she doing? How could she let this happen?
“What do you want from me?” Her voice carried further than before, harsh, begging for the blow to hit so she could stop bracing for it.
“All we want is this.”
Cassie said it so simply. Her face stayed so plain.
“Stay. Talk to us. Let us help.”
Trinity’s usual bite shined through, “it is not that simple, and you both know that. You can’t just mother me on the couch and erase 15 years of trauma. If it was that easy, I would've done it by now-”
“Just… stay, Trinity.” Cassie's voice cut in between her last words.
“I’m guessing you didn’t sleep either?”
The tilt of her head and sideways eyes said “of course not.”
“So go put the pajamas back on,” Cassie twisted the inside out strap digging into Trinity's shoulder, “come back out. Lay on this ridiculously comfortable couch. We can just… chill. Okay? Please.”
She returned wearing the same shorts and worn out shirt that revealed her secret the night before. Stopping at the edge of the carpet, she held her hands out to her sides and pursed her lips, gesturing “here’s your free show.”
Though Dana knew what was coming, no amount of preparation, not in her mind nor her emergency room, could prepare her to see the damage on the girl standing before her. So many depictions of hurt drawn across her legs.
“Oh, love. C’mere.”
She settled into Dana’s side, stretching her legs out alongside hers. It didn’t come naturally to lean like this, to take up space against someone else—but Dana was warm, steady, already there in a way that made it harder to pull away than to stay. Cassie moved in behind her, quiet. A steady presence at her back, like she’d decided Trinity didn’t get to fall through anything alone.
Once she was tucked between them, Dana planted a kiss on the crown of Trinity’s head.
“I’ll be honest kiddo. This is a pain I don’t know. I can only assume that when this pain rips you open so many times, it’s better for you to rip yourself open first. At least then the pain would make sense.”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“And there's nobody at home leaving the light on for ya?”
“Nope.”
“No mom? No dad? Nobody?”
She already knew the answer, but she asked anyway—steering the conversation exactly where she wanted it to go.
Dana had a way of doing that. Not forceful, not obvious. Just steady enough that people ended up saying more than they meant to, until the truth was already out in the open and they didn’t know how it got there.
“No. No happy family here. Real dad told my mom to abort me, but that was too far for her Catholic guilt. Not getting knocked up out of wedlock though…” her head shook against the other woman.
“Anyway… step-dad is a pig, but mom chose him. They had another kid when I was 15 but we haven’t talked since I left.”
“What does that mean… ‘she chose him’?”
Something in the simplicity of the question was just right to shut down Trinity’s defenses. Again, likely a credit to Dana’s lifetime of nursing. When you don’t put any weight on the question, there is no weight on answering it.
“They met when I was 9. The first few years were nice, actually. At least nice to have new clothes for school. A better place. But like men always do… he changed. So I gave her a choice. Me, her daughter, or a 40 year old man who likes to fuck little girls with his friends.
She chose him. Can’t say I blame her.” The smirk on her face was lost to the women.
Their silence was eating her alive. It was better to tell them this than stay in silence.
“I was 12-” her voice trailed. Unsteady.
Cassie squeezed where her fingers wrapped Trinity's. Small, but there.
“I was 12 when I told him that my coach took pictures of me in the locker room at gymnastics. His face lit up like he didn’t know that was an option. They were kids in a candy store from that day on, and I was their favorite flavor.” Her eyes rolled, the same way they would when Al-Hashimi asked how her charting was going. Her defenses were nothing if not consistent.
Quickly, before either of them could interject with softness, she carried on.
“I left Texas 2 days after I graduated. Went to undergrad at Penn State. Med school at UPenn. Worked my fucking ass off to get here.”
She softened when she remembered she didn’t need to prove her pedigree here.
“All of that just to feel the same way I did then. Never feeling safe. Always looking over my shoulder.”
As mothers they wanted nothing more than to wrap her up and never let go. As women they wanted to burn the fucking world down on her behalf. As humans finding a new delicate connection they sat still, silent.
“Is that when it started? The cutting.” Cassie passed her hand over the outside of Trinity’s leg once more.
“Yeah.”
The image of 12 year Trinity taking a blade to her skin made Dana’s eyes fill with tears. A mother could never imagine a more heartbreaking image.
She squeezed her a little tighter, selfishly.
Seeing someone else tear up at the sight of her pain was unbearable. To be seen at all was bad enough.
“It’s really not as bad as it looks”, a terrible attempt at being passive to repress their warmth.
“Don’t you dare start saying that the 15 years of scars, including ones fresh enough to still hold red, is ‘not as bad as it looks’.”
The bluntness of Dana’s words about something that is so often only discussed under hushed voices in private rooms caught her completely off guard. They shouldn't be talking about this out loud.
It triggered something in Trinity. She couldn't help herself. Old habits and all that. One last attempt to claw her way out.
“Why do you think you have any right to tell me what is or isn’t bad? I don’t even know what the fuck I am doing here. Sitting on this fucking couch with a late in life lesbian and ex-addict telling me they can fix my life? Really? What the fuck do you know about fixing anything?”
Dana looked at her with easy eyes and relaxed mouth, the remnants of a smirk resting in the corner of her lips. It made Trinity fucking furious.
“I’m so sorry that your mother made the wrong choice, my love. Because that’s what it was. The wrong choice. I know you like to act like the spawn of Satan. Cause you think that’s what you are, but you’re not Trinity. You are not bad, you are not evil, you did not cause this. This happened to you, not because of you.”
“Don’t–” Trinity interjected, to no avail.
“You didn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this.”
“Dana–” tears began to well again. God, she was so mad.
“You think that you can act hostile and that everyone will be too fucking scared to look beyond the surface. Too scared to poke the bear at risk of getting clawed. But guess what, kid? I’m not scared of you! You don’t scare me. This doesn’t scare me. You are absolutely fucking right. I have no idea what it is like to feel this way. I have no idea what it feels like to take a scalpel and cut into my own skin. To suffer that much. But what I do know, Trinity, is that you are a kid.” Dana emphasized each beat, tapping a finger on Trinity’s arm in rhythm. Though her words were brash, there was no harshness in her voice.
“I know you think you are the big-bad-27-year-old-wolf, but you are a baby to me. And you need a mom to sit you down and set you right again.” Trinity’s glossy eyes rolled over, and what could’ve almost been a laugh moved through her chest.
“So now you’ve got one, two actually!”, she smacked Cassie on the arm, playful, juxtaposing her tone.
“Your guerrilla warfare tactics aren’t gonna do it here. No matter what venom you spit at us, we aren’t going to just walk away. You are worth more than that, kid.”
The sentiment was enough to make Trinity’s stomach flip. To be considered more than an easy fuck or a vicious dog was foreign to her, but it was clear that these women were not going to let it go. Not going to let her go.
Dana brushed the tear from Trinity’s cheek, gentle, like she was handling something fragile. It was too much—anyone could see that. Trinity was right on the edge of it, of slipping somewhere she might not come back from easily.
So Dana didn’t pull away from it. Didn’t shut it down. She just softened things—shifted the air a little, enough to keep Trinity from disappearing into it completely. There was time to work through this. They just needed her to see what was right in front of her.
“So… stop the violence, babe. Relish in the fact that you did it. You won the grand prize. You got a brand new passably decorated home and two moms for the price of one. Two moms who are gonna sit here and love on you whether you want us to or not. Who are gonna be here when you’re sad, or scared, or sick. I’m a great cook and Cassie buys a great pizza–”
This time it was Cassie doing the smacking, finally drawing a real smile to Trinity’s lips as she turned towards Cassie.
“There we go, hon.” Dana’s smile followed suit.
Cassie moved her hand off Dana’s bicep and reached up, brushing the damp hair back from Trinity’s face. It clung to her skin.
Trinity didn’t pull away.
“I thought you hated me.”
Quiet. Careful. Still sharp.
“What?” Cassie’s head snapped up, louder than she meant. Dana’s brows pulled together beside her.
“I thought you hated me.” Trinity swallowed, gaze dropping somewhere between them. “I figured I’d done a pretty good job of building the wall.”
A small shrug.
“Me and Dana were fine. She can be kind of an ice queen too.” A flicker toward Dana. “But you…” her eyes dropped again, “you always felt like—”
She stalled.
“Like I was just there when you needed something. Last resort. Or when no one else could figure something out.”
A breath.
“And I mean… yeah. That tracks. Crash is better than me. Don’t ever tell her I said that, but—”
“Oh, baby, no.” Cassie cut in, softer now. Immediate. “No, that’s not—”
She shook her head, like she could undo it.
“I have never hated you.”
Trinity didn’t look up.
Cassie exhaled, slower this time. “I see myself in you. Too much, honestly.” A faint, tired almost-laugh. “I used to be just as cold. Just as… shut down.”
Her voice caught.
“Because I didn’t want anyone to see.”
Silence settled.
Cassie’s eyes closed for a second, something heavy behind them.
Trinity stared at the floor. If she looked up, she knew she’d break again.
Cassie reached out anyway, fingers gentle as they tipped Trinity’s chin just slightly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.” Quieter now. “I should have.”
Trinity’s jaw tightened.
“You had no reason to look,” she said, barely above a breath. “And I didn’t want you to.”
The three of them settled where they’d fallen, a loose tangle of tired bodies and wrung-out silence.
Trinity didn’t let herself sit with it for long—but Cassie had seen her. Really seen her. And now Dana had too.
At 12, she would’ve done anything for that kind of attention. Would’ve ached for it, chased it, worn herself thin trying to earn it.
At 27, she’d trained herself out of that hunger. Safer to disappear. Safer to need nothing. But now there was no pretending. She’d been seen– by two people who, for reasons she didn’t quite trust, cared anyway.
As Dana and Cassie’s hands settled into a pattern of soft passes across her skin, Trinity’s eyes shut.