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Illuga is well known for a wide variety of things.
Being the captain of the Nightmare Orioles, the Starshyna's son, kindness, stubborness, strength, and punctuality.
If he said he would be somewhere at 6, he'd be at the meeting point five minutes early.
His reports were right where he said they would be, right when he said they would be, of high quality and detail.
His squad was on schedule. If they had patrol at 7 you'd best bet they'd be on the route as soon as the clock struck.
In other words, Illuga was reliable. Steady.
A constant in a world that for many, was more uncertain every single day.
So when Illuga didn't show up at the lighthouse with supplies exactly when he said he would, Flins couldn't help but worry.
But people make mistakes.
Flins knows as much.
And besides, it's quite the busy time for the Orioles if he isn't mistaken.
Illuga's tardiness surely has some kind of reason behind it, and Flins did his best to brush off the worry.
That is what the young master would want after all.
Then a day passes.
Then two.
Rationale is no longer winning the war that Flins's mind is raging against itself, and he is beginning to feel an odd onset of intense emotion that he can only assume to be what humans describe as anxiety.
He is damn near ready to walk over to Piramida himself at this point.
Illuga would hate for Flins to quote unqoute 'trouble himself' with the 'simple matter of his safety.'
But really, what else was there to do?
There was nothing to give him any clue as to what exactly was going on.
No letter.
No other Orioles spotted in patrol.
Not so much as a mention that they or Illuga had ever existed.
Truly, Flins couldn't figure out for the life of him what could be going on.
If Illuga were angry with him, he would be sent someone else with supplies in his stead, that's just who he was.
If Illuga were dead, Flins would have heard about it by now. The beloved captain's death would be spoken of all over Nod Krai.
If he were injured, there would be a letter, or Aedon, sent barring excessive apologies and promises to get better soon, to soon, and that he'd find a way to make it up to Flins.
None of those events had come to pass.
However, before Flins could win the battle in his thoughts and decide what to do, there is a knock on his door.
Illuga stands there, supplies cradled in his arms, dark circles under his eyes and exhaustion in his face and posture.
Seeing Illuga like this does nothing to soothe Flins's worries, but he smiles kindly and steps aside so Illuga can come in. "Young Master. Good to see you."
Illuga nods, stepping through the doorway and offering his own extremely fatigued half smile on return. "Likewise Sir Flins. I apologize that I am a few days late."
"That is not an issue young master. You need not fret over such things." Flins tries to make a move to help Illuga with the supplies but is quickly shooed away. "Are you sure you do not want help? I'm sure you could use some rest."
Illuga shakes his head stubbornly, smiling another not at all reassuring smile. "I'm okay. The only help I need from you is that story from last time to resume and conclude. Though I can assume that last part is a bit much to ask."
" You know me too well. "
As Flins begins to tell the story he has absolutely no intention of giving a fulfilling ending, he watches Illuga preform his normal supply unpacking routine.
It's familiar because he does it the exact same way every time he delivers supplies to the lighthouse. Seasonings and sugar in their respective containers, perishables in the almost not working fridge, old books traded for new ones, and so on.
Today however, something is off.
Illuga goes slower than normal, pausing in the middle of tasks to just... exist?
He stands with limp posture and stares off into nothing, eyes seeming to grow teary and fight draining out of him before resuming his slow, almost pained movements.
He doesn't ask questions or scoff at certain parts of the tale, he doesn't occasionally give Flins knowing looks when the supposed plot twist is a tad to obvious, and he doesn't even make eye contact with Flins at all.
It's not like him.
Everything He does seems to take something out of him, and with each motion he almost seems to become further away in a sense.
Illuga is here physically, but with every passing moment Flins becomes less and less certain that he is here mentally.
He gets up and moves to Illuga's side. "Young Master?"
" Hm? "
"Where have you gone off to?"
Illuga stares at him for a second. "...I'm sorry?"
" Your mind seems to have wandered off. I was just curious as to where. " Flins places a gentle hand on Illuga's shoulder.
Illuga blinks and turns back to look at the jar of half full sugar jar and the bag intended to fill it that rest on the counter in front of him. "Oh... My apologies. I'm just a little tired. Forgive me."
" You need not apologize and forgiveness is not necessary. I simply wish to ensure that you are looked after. There is no criticism." Flins begins to guide him towards the kitchen table. "You should take a short break and have some water hm? I promise all the supplies will still be here to put away after you are sufficiently rested. "
"Oh no that's not necessary." Illuga tries to protest but Flins has already pulled out a chair for him and gently pushes him to sit in it. "I promise I am just fine!"
"I am certain you are but I would not be a good host of a guest here to aid me went about his work exhausted and dehydrated. "
"No!" Illuga tries to get up but Flins has him stuck in that chair with the table to his left and Flins blocking both the forward and rightward paths of escape. "I can help!"
Illuga's heart rate and breathing both spike in speed and intensity and Flins has no idea what the hell is happening to Illuga or what could have triggered it and whether or not he should back off or double down.
"I need to help you! Let me help you!" Illuga's eyes are starting to tear up, and Flins suddenly feels himself begin to panic.
After years of living around humans, he had been almost certain that he had witnessed their most intense emotions and had a deeper understanding of them than even they themselves sometimes, but this is something new.
Fear. Desperation. Panic. All squashed together into something that neither Flins nor Illuga seem to be able to control.
Illuga is sobbing, gasping for breath, and trembling while whispering 'please' and 'no' in a broken, hopeless way that Flins suspects will haunt him for the rest of his life.
What has he done?
What is this?
Calm down.
Flins takes a deep breath he has no need for.
Calm. Down.
You cannot help him if you do not calm down.
Flins kneels down at Illuga's side and gently rests his hand on Illuga's knee. "Young Master?"
Illuga shakes his head vigorously. "No."
Flins reaches for Illuga's hand, squeezing it gently and whispering. "Deep breaths Illuga."
All he gets is a shuddered breath and half a sob.
Okay. Try something else.
Flins carefully moves Illuga's left hand to his chest, going through the motions of 'deep breaths', hoping Illuga would replicate the behavior and be able to calm down. "In and out young master Illuga. In and out."
Flins takes a slow breath, and much to his relief, Illuga shakily attempts to do the same, shudders racking his body every once and a while.
He squeezes his young master's hand as another sob tears through Illuga and he leans forward to rest his head on Flins shoulder, right arm tightly wrapping around Flins's back.
Flins moves his free hand to gently pat Illuga's back. "It's alright Illuga. You're here. I'm here. You're safe."
Illuga sobs again, trying to pull Flins closer to him, which Flins responds to by gently helping Illuga down from the chair and helping them both slowly lower to the ground, where Illuga is tucked neatly against Flins's side.
They stay that way for archons knew how long, Flins rubbing Illuga's back and demonstrating easy, even breathing for Illuga to copy, which he did while sobs and shudders slowly shifted into still, silent tears.
Once they've settled a little bit more, Flins gently asks, "Does the young master need some water?"
He gets no answer in return, but the question was more rhetorical, a way to tell Illuga where he was going rather than an actual query.
Of course Illuga needs water right now.
But, as Flins tries to shift to standing to go fetch some, Illuga tightens his hold and shakes his head. "Don't go."
Flins pauses, unsure.
On one hand, Illuga seems very, very certain that he wants Flins to remain with him on the floor, but humans also have a tendency to disregard their own well being when desperate and upset.
"Please stay." Illuga pleads again. "Don't leave me."
The fae sinks back down to the floor.
There was something behind the words that startled him.
Something that shook Flins to his core.
Fear.
Illuga was afraid, terrified even, that Flins was going to go somewhere.
Which was incredibly odd considering that Flins went out on patrol, maybe to Nasha Town, and that was just about the only time he ever left the lighthouse.
Unless...
If he pondered the double meaning of that statement, what leave could mean other than just relocating somewhere far, far away...
Oh.
"I won't be going anywhere anytime soon young master." Flins promises. " I plan to live on this earth alongside you for decades to come. "
"You swear?"
" I do. " Flins promises.
Illuga doesn't answer. He doesn't believe that.
"Have I made practice of breaking my promises to the young master?"
Again, no answer.
"Illuga?" Flins asks, pulling back to get a better look at him.
He looks, unsurprisingly, extremely distraught, and Flins can't quite figure out what exactly leads Illuga to believe that Flins is going to die soon, since his expression makes it very clear that he does truly believe that Flins's time is essentially up.
Flins's eyebrows knit together. "Is something the matter? Is there a danger I am not aware of?"
Illuga stares at him for a moment before breaking into half laughter, half hysterical sobbing, burying his face in Flins's shoulder again.
Now Flins is really, really concerned. "Young master?"
" I'm sorry. " Illuga sobs. "I'm so so sorry."
"You do not have to be sorry." Flins murmurs, pulling Illuga closer to him despite all the questions running rampant in his mind. "You should not be sorry. I would simply like to know what has you so convinced that my death immanent."
" I... I'm just... " Illuga closes his eyes and sits up before making direct eye contact with Flins. "I believe I may have... overreacted and misunderstood somethings."
" Oh? " Flins asks, taking both of Illuga's hands in his own.
"I uhm..." Illuga shuts his eyes again, trailing off.
" Take your time. " Flins assures him.
Illuga takes a deep breath. "Maybe... eight or nine months ago now, someone I went through training with... took their own life."
Flins squeezes his hands gently.
"We were... good friends." Illuga says quietly. "I wish... I never..." He takes another shaky breath. " I didn't see any of the signs. And so afterwards I made sure to... research early warning signs. Just in case. "
He blinks twice and a stray tear rolls down his face. "I thought... I saw some in you. How you act. Especially with the curse and that sinner. You didn't seem to care that you were in danger and were very likely to die so I thought..."
That I wanted to.
"And now Bjorn is gone and I didn't think I could handle it if you- if you- if you killed yourself." Illuga rushes to say the rest, eyes tearing up again.
Flins pulls him into a firm hug. "I heard about that. I'm sorry I didn't inquire about your well-being following such an event. I wish I'd been aware of how much everything going on was effecting you."
Illuga lets out one broken laugh and a breath seemingly held in for too long.
Flins strokes his hair soothingly, as Illuga takes some more deep breaths.
The silence is both crushing and soothing. So much worse than the usual atmosphere that surrounds Illuga, but so much better than the terrifying burst of desperation that had overtaken him earlier.
" I'm so tired. " Illuga whispers after a moment, going limp against Flins as all the fight seems to drain out of him. "I want it to stop. Make it stop."
Flins wraps his arms back around his young master and tries his best not to let Illuga notice how much those words scare him.
" I need it to stop. " Illuga's voice breaks. "I can't do this anymore."
Whatever Illuga was feeling before, Flins is feeling it now.
It's almost ironic, how Illuga's concern for Flins taking his own life seemed to be the only thing keeping him going.
What follows is a horrible thought.
Should I have let him believe that?
The entire thought process behind it lacks sanity. The entire situation lacks sanity.
It feels like one of those impossible questions.
Pick Red, guaranteed survival, but if less than half of the participants choose blue, they all die, and you shoulder some portion of the blame.
Pick Blue, you could help save lives if over 50% of people align with you, but you risk both looking your own life and dooming the reds to living on as essential mass murderers.
An impossible choice.
Pick Red, allow Illuga to suffer and stress himself to pieces over the inaccurate belief that you are suicidal.
Pick Blue, correct him and watch him become unwilling to keep going.
No.
That's not right.
Illuga was probably suicidal long before he realized Flins was not.
Passively, but suicidal none the less.
So there was no dilemma to be had at all because eventually all that stressing would have brought him to giving up.
Either way he'd lose the will to keep going.
Flins can't think of a situation where Illuga would choose to jump, choose to overdose, choose to hang himself, but he can understand that there is more than one way to be suicidal.
Slowly, as Illuga begins to wish death upon himself, even if he isn't directly responsible for what takes his life, a lack of caring or caution will lead to an increase in recklessness and mistakes and risk because of all there is to fear is death, which is welcome to him, Illuga has no reason to try to survive.
There is a world where Illuga carries this alone, where he slips farther and farther away eventually becoming a name in a textbook with a lifespan listed in parenthesis that is far too short for someone as radiant as he is, where Flins's life loses meaning and Nikita burries his son...
It will not be this one.
In this world Flins intervenes.
He doesn't know how to help.
Human emotions such as these are almost entirely new to him.
But right then he makes up his mind.
He will remain beside Illuga and give him the hope to keep going, or he will die trying.
"I'm so sorry." He holds him like a lifeline, because a world without Illuga is not one Nod Krai will adapt to easily.
Not one Flins will adapt to easily.
He refuses to.
"You've been so strong for so long. For everyone and anyone." Flins strokes Illuga's hair gently as he shudders and sobs in Flins's arms. "It's okay to be tired. It's okay to want to rest. You deserve to rest."
A broken sound escapes into Flins's shoulder.
"You've done enough. More than enough. You are the light, the anchor, the firm foundation, the unshakeable pillar, and you have been for so long."
Illuga's grip on Flins's coat tightens and Flins leans his head gently against Illuga's own. "It's someone else's turn."
" I'm sorry I missed this. I'm sorry I wasn't here to realize that you've been hurting, but thank you, so much, for trusting me." Flins closes his eyes and hopes that he is saying the right things. "You do not have to be okay. Not for me, not for your father, not for your squad, not for anyone, and you do not have to take this journey alone."
Illuga sniffles.
"I will be here. Every step, every stumble, every day, from now on. I cannot promise the same for anyone else, but I certain that I am not alone. That you are not alone."
Flins gently shifts them so he and Illuga are making eye contact, holding the other's face in his hands. "There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. You aren't broken or shattered or weak. You just got lost. And it is not your fault. It's ours. We left you behind. And, if you'll let us, if you'll let me, we will make it up to you."
Illuga stares at him for a long moment, seeing all the sincerity and the care in Flins's eyes, before launching himself right back into his arms.
Flins holds him tightly. " You've done wonderfully."
Illuga doesn't say anything for a long moment, silently leaning into Flins's shoulder again before eventually seeming to muster up the ability to whisper. "Sir Flins."
" Present. Now and forever. "
Illuga doesn't answer.
Flins waits for a little while in silence, stroking Illuga's hair again, before eventually coming to the conclusion that Illuga has nothing else to say. "I think the young master should drink some water now."
A small nod.
" Can I get some for you? "
Illuga's arms tighten around him for a moment, before slowly releasing him. "...okay."
" I promise I'll be back. " Flins rises quickly and makes his way to the kitchen even quicker.
By the time he returns, Illuga is resting his head against the chair with his eyes closed, breathing significantly more even than it was before.
Flins moves to sit at his side again, carefully shifting Illuga to rest against his own body and offering him the glass of water once he is back in Flins's arms.
Illuga drinks it gratefully, placing the glass on the floor beside him and fully leaning into Flins before quietly whispering, "Archons I'm so sorry."
"It is I who should be sorry. I pushed too hard."
"You couldn't possibly have known that I was on the verge of a panic attack." Illuga murmurs, squeezing Flins's hands.
A... panic attack?
Flins will have to look into that later.
"I could see there was something bothering you. I should not have pried. Perhaps it could have been avoided. "
"No. It was probably going to happen at some point." Illuga closes his eyes and sighs. "I haven't had one in so long... I guess I didn't think they would come back. "
Flins pulls Illuga closer to him. "...I think that maybe you might need more support in your life. From me... your father... a lot of people probably. You don't deserve to feel bad all of the time."
How does Flins politely ask Illuga if he is aware that he is passively suicidal?
Does he ask at all?
Illuga's eyes still haven't opened, but his breathing tells Flins that he is not yet asleep either.
He is definitely exhausted after everything that has happened.
The conversation Flins needs to have with... someone can wait.
Right now, Illuga needs to sleep.
And Flins needs to figure out what else he can do to help.
The world has lost too many of its brightest lights.
Flins will not let it lose this one too.