Chapter Text
Wizards went crazy for movies, once they discovered them.
The magical world embraced a new openness to all things muggle following the most recent fall of Voldemort. They discovered they were missing some lovely inventions. With their fame and their knowledge of the muggle world, Harry and Hermione were perfectly positioned to make movies for magicians. Harry had a knack for directing; he could see the best parts of the story, and he was a natural unifier.
Today’s set was busy. The Creevy brothers were setting up the cameras, and a whole team were transfiguring and charming an open field into an approximation of Hogwarts. Harry and Ron had agreed that they’d best not ask McGonnagall for permission to film on location this time. Not for this script.
A row of trailers held the stars. A piercing scream erupted from the largest trailer with the nameplate H. Granger. Ron and Harry exchanged glances, and then Ron hurried inside. Harry held back. He’d let Ron take a stab at calming her down first.
Hermione stood near her vanity. Her hair had already been charmed to shoot sparks and to bush up higher around her head. At least, Ron hoped those were charms. Parvati and Padma were trying to get her to sit back down for makeup.
Hermione screamed right in Ron’s face once he came through the doorway. “DID YOU READ THIS SCRIPT?”
Ron: “Hermione, this story is HUGE. It’s so popular. People are dying to see you in this role.”
Hermione (stepping even closer, nose touching his): “Did. You. Read. It.”
Ron: “….. Yes.”
Hermione: “I’m some kind of helpless creature who cannot physically fight anyone who tries to RAPE ME?”
Ron: “………. It’s sort of a metacommentary on women’s place in society. It’s an exaggeration of actual unequal power dynamics to emphasize the role they play in controlling the female experience.”
Hermione: “AND HALF THE WORLD wants to kidnap and rape me???”
Ron: “Look, this is such an easy role. You have very few lines.”
Hermione: “I KNOW. I SAY: “ALPHA. ALPHA. PLEASE ALPHA.” THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO TIMES in the first 40 minutes!”
Ron: “It’ll be so easy to remember your lines. No memorizing required! This will be the easiest role you’ve ever played.”
Hermione: “I spend the entire script either out of control horny and helpless while people try to rape me. I am helpless to even STEP away from them, much less stop them.”
Ron: “It’s a whole universe thing the fans have made….”
Hermione: “OR I am having marathon sex sessions with a DEATH EATER. There is nothing ROMANTIC about people being compelled to fall in love with anyone who happens to smell a certain way, rergardless of ANYTHING else about them.”
Ron: “Look, MIONE, I cannot tell you how much this treatment is HUGELY POPULAR with the fans. Draco tests VERY well with our focus groups.”
Hermione: “MAYBE the FANS shouldn't always get what they want. Maybe the FANS don’t get to see me being subjugated like this. Why would the fans want to imagine a world where biology is destiny?”
Ron: “Look, it’s sort of a commentary on women’s roles in society ….”
He trailed off, looked down at his hand, then forged ahead with…. “and feminism and stuff.”
Hermione: “THAT is not a thought you’ve ever had.”
Ron: “What do you mean?”
Hermione: “I can see the notecard in your hand.”
Ron: “Look, some very respectable women said that. Because they like to discuss it, because they like to READ this stuff, and then they like to talk about why they like it. But MOSTLY they like to read it. LOTS of it. And they WILL buy tickets to the movie, I PROMISE.”
Hermione: “So everyone on the planet can see me humiliated this way, then?”
Ron: “It’s about connection, it’s about love.”
Hermione: “It’s about me having mindless sex with anyone that SMELLS GOOD to me. In broom cupboards! Apparently there are HUNDREDS of broom cupboards all over Hogwarts, a magical castle that is cleaned MAGICALLY by elves who DO NOT USE BROOMS.”
Ron: “Don’t think too hard about the logic of the broom cupboards. They’re just a plot device.”
Hermione: :”THere are NO BROOM CUPBOARDS in the hallways in Hogwarts!”
Ron: “Of course not, but it’s a movie. We have to suspend disbelief. The audience doesn’t want to know that we were all frustrated virgins when we graduated.”
Hermione: “and what’s with the constant licking and biting? Do you KNOW how many times Draco rubs semen onto my neck in this script?”
Ron: “It’s erotica, sure. As the main female character, you are literally the most desireable woman in the world. You can see why women like that fantasy.”
Hermione: “What’s erotic about turning us all into dogs sniffing each other’s crotches and going into heats? How are we going to film All This Cum? What’s the rating on this thing, anyway??
Ron: “Harry’s got plans for all that. You have to trust him to make the story good. You trust Harry, right?”
Hermione: “I told you both that I wanted to do adventure roles. I want to be Indiana Jones, with magic! I want to trek through jungles with Neville taming rare deadly intelligent plants. I WANT TO CRACK A WHIP!”
Ron: “Harry and I are looking for some scripts like that. Look, after you do this role, you can do ANYThiNG you want. People will be dying to see more of you. And I think there are MANY who would like to see you holding a whip.”
Hermione: “Really?”
Ron: “YES.” Then, a few seconds later. “As long as Draco is there, too.”
Hermione: “What was that?”
Ron: “As long as we include Draco. As your love interest, specifically.”
Hermione: “That’s a horrible idea! Neville is perfect for it! He’s a war hero, he’s handsome, he knows how to wield that huge sword!”
Ron: “He tests better as a friend.”
Hermione: “Surely my fans don’t want me to end up with my childhood bully! the guy who committed a LOT of crimes in 6th year!”
Ron: “You and Neville are too nice together. It’s two nice guys. He’s supportive and kind. It’s not interesting, it’s not visceral. You might as well pair up with ME!”
They both snorted at the absurdity of that.
Hermione: “As if!”
Ron shuddered in aggreement.
Hermione: “Look. Maybe we could make this script work, with some changes. Maybe harry would let me edit this mess.”
Ron (Warily) “What kind of edits?”
Hermione: “Well, this idea of having surgery to get rid of the Omega status. I like that. Let’s make that work.”
Ron: “I don’t think the fans want to see you go into early menopause at 19 years old and then NOT fall in love or have great sex. What would you do, grow old alone with cats while running for minister of magic?”
Hermione: “I’d watch that.”
Ron: “No.”
Hermione: “Ok. Maybe instead of the Omega thing making me weaker, maybe it enhances my powers and I can defend myself with magic like a real badass, keeping everyone in line around me.”
Ron: “The fans … The fans, though…”
Hermione: “What about them.”
Ron: “You know how they love authenticity to the source material.”
Hermione: “Ron…”
Ron: “They LIKE you helpless, ok. They LIKE it when you’re almsot raped and when you are turned on by it even though you hate it.”
Hermione: “WHY.”
ROn: “It might be a way to process the traumas inherent in the female experience, with that experience being turned on its head by the woman’s…. enjoyment….”
Ron trailed off in the face of Hermione’s glare.
Harry appeared, finally, having figured he’d given Ron enough time to work on Hermione. He stepped up to Hermione and began rubbing her shoulders.
Harry: “Hey, my favorite starlet, my muse!”
Hermione whined: “Why do you want to shoot THIS script?”
Harry: “It’s hot, Hermione. It’s sexy. Women love the fantasy of a strong, smart, powerful woman made helpless by desire and powerful sexual experiences.”
Hermione just raised an eyebrow.
Harry: “It’s not my fault, Mione. I never predicted this was where the fandom would go! But goddamn there are a lot of HORNY women out there using this stuff as spank bank material.”
Hermione let out a big huff.
Hermione: “Well. I guess I can understand that.”
Harry’s hands kept rubbing gently down her arms.
Harry: “Good girl,” he said. “You’re going to be amazing.”
Hermione: “YOU told Ron to quote feminists at me, didn’t you?”
Harry: “It worked, right? It’s true: feminists are horny women who are into this stuff, too.”
Hermione snorted, but her head was tilted, listening to Harry’s consoling murmers.
Harry: “You’re going to RULE THE WORLD after this. You and Draco, together.”
Hermione: “It won’t bother you filming me in all these intimate scenes with your boyfriend?"
Harry: “Are you kidding? You’re so beautiful together. Two gorgeous people, gorgeous together. Besides, you’re both professionals. I trust you.”
Hermione: “He IS so pretty that it hurts my teeth to look at him.”
Harry grinned. “Yeah, mine too. But I'm happy to share him with you… and the world. On a temporary basis.”
Hermione: “Fine. But I’m not calling him Alpha.”
Harry: “Sir, then?”
Hermione glared.
Harry: “Lord?”
Hermione glared.
Harry: “Master?”
Hermione glared even harder. Harry hid a grin behind his hand, knowing he had won.
Harry: “…. Alpha?”
Hermione: “FINE. ALPHA ALPHA. PLEASE, ALPHA.”
Harry beamed. “Perfect, Hermy. The world is going to eat you up.”
Hermione: “BUT NO KNOTTING. THERE CANNOT BE ANY KNOTTING.”
Harry and Ron exchange looks behind her back. Ron opens his mouth to speak, but Harry shakes his head. “I’ve got it,” he mouths behind her back. “We’ll deal with it later.”
Harry: “Let’s go film the first scene. It’ll feel so natural. You’re going to fall into this role so easily.”
Hermione: “… That’s what I’m afraid of.”