Work Text:
Unknown Number: Hello Dr. Al-Hashimi, this is Trinity
Baran looked at the message, feeling something painful and something fond mix in her chest. Trinity had been part of Baran’s very short lived stint at the PTMC. But she had been one of the better parts. A smart, beautiful and talented young doctor, with impressive ethical commitment and a deeply troubled heart.
Unknown Number: Santos, just in case that wasn’t obvious
Cute, as if Baran had had any doubt which Trinity might be texting her.
Unknown Number: I know you gave this number out in case of emergencies at work but it’s the only way to contact you I have
Shouldn’t the hospital have her professional email on file? Trinity probably hadn’t asked, not wanting to rouse suspicion about why she might want to contact Baran…
Unknown Number: Feel free to ignore my messages if you are busy or don’t want anything to do with me or the pitt
‘Feel free’ certainly sounded like bullshit.
If she was right about Trinity, the young woman would stress and torture herself about not hearing back from Baran, while also trying to respect that she wasn’t entitled to an answer.
It was sweet of course that she wanted to put Baran at ease though.
Unknown Number: I just want to know you are okay
She wasn’t.
She was far from okay, far away from even approaching okay, or at the very least feeling like herself.
It had been almost a week since her mental breakdown behind the wheel, after the end of her first and for the foreseeable future only shift in that emergency department.
Six days since she had called her ex-husband and his unquestioning support had triggered her breakdown.
Five days since she had informed Gloria that she wouldn’t be able to make this work, due to a sudden health issue.
Four days since she had seen her son, who was temporarily living with his father right now.
At least until she knew how to deal with all of this.
How to explain it to a ten year old.
How to explain it to herself, and find a way to move on anyways.
Unknown Number: And I hope I wasn’t the reason you suddenly decided against becoming our attending
Holy shit…Baran’s heart started beating hard at the idea Trinity might think their moment together could have driven her away.
Impulsively, against her better nature really, she just dialed the number.
It rang only once and then a very confused and maybe even slightly terrified sounding voice answered.
“Hello? Dr. Al-Hashimi, I’m sorry, I proba-”
“Baran.”
“What?”
“I’m not your attending, this is not work, call me Baran.”
“Oh…okay…why did you call?”
She sighed and swiped her free hand over her face.
“It had nothing to do with you, or us, or anything that happened between us.”
There was a pause on the other end, before Trinity reacted.
“I see…well, okay then. I guess…”
Baran didn’t know what else to say, had no idea really why she had called instead of texted back, except that it had felt urgent to reassure Trinity. But she didn’t sound reassured, she sounded confused, and this absolutely wasn’t how Baran would have acted if she was in her right mind-
“Baran…are you okay?”
Say yes, just say yes, just tell her everything is fine, the position just wasn’t for you, just say yes!
Her head was spinning and her hands were shaking and then something wet dropped on to her top and she realized she was crying.
She muted the call and dried her eyes with the sleeves of her top, wiping over her face aggressively with both hands and taking a few breaths, steadying her voice and trying to ignore the lump in her throat, then she unmuted.
“Sorry, something else needed my attention for a moment. I’m good. PTMC just wasn’t a good fit after all. Nothing for you to worry about.”
She wanted it to sound convincing, but immediately knew it wasn’t.
“Yeah, I'm not buying that. Where are you right now?”
“Home.”
There really was no use in lying more, it’d just make this whole situation even more uncomfortable and awkward.
“Do you have anybody else there? Someone to talk to? Besides your child?”
“No, and my son isn’t here either.”
Another pause, in which Baran didn’t really know where these questions were going, except maybe towards Trinity telling her to seek therapy or something…
“Text me your address, I’m coming over.”
What?
“Trinity, I don’t think that’s a good idea…”
It was a terrible idea, for so so many reasons.
“This isn’t a booty call. You clearly are not okay. You are alone and I am free and have a car. And we already share one secret I am keen to protect, so you can trust me not to spill anything to anybody. Text me your address.”
A booty call would have been easier in some ways…
But maybe having someone to talk to wasn’t the worst suggestion.
So she texted Trinity her address.
“Got it, I’m on my way. I’ll pick up something to eat, do you like chinese?”
“I’m not hungry…”
“Not what I asked. I guess I’ll just get some spring rolls or something for you then, see you in a bit.”
And with that Trinity hung up, leaving Baran standing at her kitchen counter, a little shellshocked from how that conversation had derailed so much from her wanting to reassure the younger woman to having said woman come over to make sure Baran was okay.
In what world was that a dynamic she ought to have with someone like Trinity?
A relationship where Baran dominated Trinity, helped her regulate her emotions, guided her through the early stages of her career, maybe offered some financial aid, if necessary…that was something she could have agreed to, easily.
Maybe even with a sexual aspect in there.
But Trinity inviting herself to Baran’s home, bringing food, checking on Baran, when she was not at her best, when she was vulnerable and broken and trying to pick up the scattered pieces of herself…where would that fit into Baran’s life, or her idea of herself?
It didn't.
It wouldn't.
She shouldn't let it.
What she should do was go get changed, wrangle her hair into something that seemed at least halfway put-together and then have a conversation with Trinity about this all being a misunderstanding.
But she just didn’t have the energy.
Or the motivation?
She had never lacked motivation to be at her best…
But then again, she had never before felt this defeated by her own body’s and mind’s limitations.
In actuality what Trinity was offering might be the only kind of relationship Baran could currently have with anybody.
She wasn’t fit to be someone’s Dominant.
Just as she wasn’t fit to be anyone’s doctor.
Or mother…
She wasn’t fit to be anybody’s anything, except their burden…
Something she had sworn she’d never become.
And Trinity definitely shouldn’t be the someone who took on the responsibility of caring for her…
She was at such a critical point in her education, an incredibly stressful phase.
Time passed while Baran kept mulling over her thoughts, until the melody of Baran’s doorbell chimed and mostly on autopilot she walked to the door to her apartment and picked up on the intercom.
“It’s Trinity.”
Baran pressed the buzzer to open the door, “Sixth floor, door on the left.”
She opened the door to her apartment and just stood there, staring at the elevator, until the doors slid open and there was Trinity.
She wore comfortable looking, loose fitting denim jeans, a green tank top, sensible sandals, a pragmatic, leather shoulder bag slung over her chest and some kind of jacket tied around her waist.
Her hair was half done up in a ponytail and two bags of takeout were dangling from her fingers.
She truly didn’t look like she had prepared to seduce anybody, and it was unfortunately exactly the kind of attire Baran found distractingly attractive.
A woman comfortable in herself.
“Hi,” Trinity said as she approached, a slightly uncertain smile on her lips, “are you going to let me in?”
Baran just nodded and stepped aside so the younger woman could enter her apartment.
~*~
When Trinity saw Baran Al-Hashimi for the first time again she realized she’d somehow forgotten how beautiful the woman really was.
Even in her well worn, rosé coloured, velvet tracksuit, her curls wild and messy, without makeup and looking like she had possibly had one of the worst weeks of her life, she was stunning.
That first thought vanished quickly though in favour of the second realization that Baran did seem in a bad state.
Starting with the fact that she was just staring at Trinity, eyes seemingly far away.
So Trinity tried her best to give a warm smile and asked if she’d be allowed in.
Instead of a verbal confirmation Baran stepped aside and Trinity took that as enough of an invitation and walked past her.
The apartment was very close to what Trinity had expected.
Modern furniture, a lot of natural light, earthy colours, some low maintenance plants and personal touches through pictures, pieces of art and items that she had probably collected during her humanitarian work in different places.
“Sorry for the chaos…” Baran muttered after she had closed the door to the apartment and had followed Trinity towards the counter that separated an expensive looking kitchen area from an almost catalogue-ready living room.
Chaos?
There were a few dishes in the sink and some clothes thrown over the back rest of the matte-brown leather couch. A pair of trainers lying under the glass coffee table.
A bouquet of Lilies was wilting on the kitchen counter. Some paperwork and letters strewn on different surfaces.
“This is hardly chaos, you should see my place. Dennis and I basically live inside a fort of study materials, laundry and empty takeout boxes, unless one of us gets the itch to tidy up…”
That got her a weak smile from the older woman.
“You are students, at your age that is more of the norm I’d say.”
Trinity couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow in mild disbelief, “Somehow I don’t think you were messier as a med student, than you are now.”
Baran shook her head with an amused smirk, “No…I wasn’t. I was…probably bordering on neurotic back then…having a child forced me to relax my expectations of tidiness.”
“Makes sense,” Trinity said, placing the bags of takeout on the kitchen counter and opening them up.
“Spring rolls, fried noodles with veggies and tofu and fried rice with egg, veggies and chicken. I wasn’t sure about your dietary requirements, so I made sure there’d be something that’d work both in case you were vegan, or might eat halal or kosher.”
She pulled out three small containers then, “Soy sauce, sweet-and-sour and hoisin sauce. I’d have brought peanut sauce, but I didn’t want to risk it, in case you might be allergic…”
Trinity looked up then and saw Baran staring at the containers, her eyebrows slightly furrowed, her lower lip trembling just the tiniest bit.
“Baran…” Trinity started, voice low and careful, “you don’t have to eat anything, if you don’t want to.”
Big, deep brown doe eyes focused on Trinity then, looking dangerously wet.
“No…I…this is all very…thoughtful…I’m just…I’m not going to be good company…”
Ah.
Trinity decided to push through.
Baran hadn’t kicked her out yet, and it really seemed like she needed someone right now.
Even if she wasn’t able to admit it yet.
“Well, lucky for you, I’m great enough company for both of us. So pick your poison and let’s veg out.”
She handed Baran one pair of the cheap break-apart chopsticks that had come with the order and waited until the woman had picked up the fried rice with egg, veggies and chicken, leaving the noodles with veggies and tofu for Trinity.
They transported everything to the wide couch, where Baran sat down, legs tugged under herself and Trinity took off her sandals so she herself could sit down criss-cross applesauce.
After a few bites Baran seemed to realize something.
“I didn’t offer you anything to drink.”
Trinity smiled while sucking some noodles into her mouth.
Once her mouth was empty again she shrugged, “I got myself some ginger ale, so I’m set, no worries.”
“Oh…I see…” Baran responded, sounding almost upset, but then just continued eating her food.
“I could go for some water though…” Trinity suggested and Baran got up immediately.
“Sparkling or still?”
“Uh…tap is fine…”
Baran chuckled, sounding more confident than she had the entire time.
“It’s both tap water, I have a soda stream.”
Of course she did.
“Sparkling then I guess.”
Trinity watched as Baran carbonated some tap water, the machine making a strange sputtering noise as it was apparently done.
“So you really like sparkling water, huh?”
Baran shrugged, “It’s a habit I picked up while studying in Europe for a while.”
“You are so cultured,” Trinity teased, enjoying it when the other woman’s eyes crinkled in an actual laugh.
“Yes, enjoying sparkling water is truly the height of sophistication.”
When Baran came back with the bottle of sparkling water and two glasses the energy between them seemed a little more relaxed.
It seemed the woman felt immediately more comfortable when she was able to provide in some way.
Or maybe she was just extremely uncomfortable with somebody else caring and providing for her.
Trinity supposed in their field of work it wasn’t uncommon to find people who preferred caring for others over being taken care of themselves.
But they all needed that from time to time.
She’d just have to be patient and gentle with the way she offered care and support.
They ate in companionable silence for a while, until Baran let out a deep sigh and placed her half eaten portion down.
“I’m full for now. But it was good to have something to eat, without having to prepare it first…thank you.”
“Hey, whenever you feel like having cheap takeout, I’m your girl.”
Trinity had said it jokingly, but the way they suddenly looked at each other she realized both of them were thinking back to that empty room in the abandoned hospital wing.
Baran let out another, even deeper sigh and carded her hands through her messy locks, holding them in the back, like she wanted to tie them there.
Trinity didn’t even think about it before she pulled a spare hair tie from her pants pocket and offered it.
With a bit of surprised amusement Baran took the tie and used it.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
There was another moment of heavy silence while they looked at each other.
Eventually Baran leaned back against the couch cushions, eyes shifting to somewhere beyond the room’s walls.
“I know you said this isn’t a bootycall, and I believe you. But we should maybe still talk about what happened a little bit more. Especially since you asked, if me leaving the Pi- the emergency department had anything to do with it.”
Trinity nodded thoughtfully and placed her container of food down too, instead snagging a spring roll, making it clear she was currently just going to listen.
“That day I had two small seizures. Focal impaired awareness seizures to be precise. After years without any issues.”
The spring roll suddenly tasted bad and Trinity placed the half she hadn’t eaten yet back down, swallowing what was still in her mouth.
She had expected many reasons, but this was not something she had at all been prepared for.
One part of her was curious what had triggered these seizures now, another part felt for the woman, for what kind of distressing situation she found herself in, but the third and biggest part was just worried.
Worried what that would mean for Baran’s future health.
Of course in theory she knew possible treatments, but she also knew the risks, the outliers, the cases where things had been overlooked…
She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but Baran raised her hand to stop her.
“It’s okay. I’m working through it. At first I tried to tell myself we’d just have to adjust my working conditions, maybe make sure there’d always be a second attending on shift with me, because god knows having a second attending would be a very wise decision with or without me there…but when I sat in my car, ready to drive home it really hit me…what if I had a seizure while driving, or while making a cut on a patient, or during a myriad of other situations where it wouldn’t matter if another attending was on shift, because I’d be the one who’s hand would slip, who wouldn’t be able to react in time…”
She breathed controlled, like she was reminding herself to, after thinking back to those concerns.
“I…wished I could trust myself, I wish I was reliable…” she blinked a few times, clearly trying to hold back some tears, swallowing.
“But the truth of the matter is, right now I’m not…I’m talking to the necessary people about what the best solution would be, we are adjusting my medication and soon I’ll have a consultation regarding possibly getting an RNS system implanted…if possible I’d like to avoid a lobectomy, but it’s not out of the question yet…”
A tear did fall and Baran immediately wiped it away, hand shaking as she did it.
“So, you see…it had nothing to do with you. But it does unfortunately mean that I can’t be the person taking care of you. Even if it’s something I’d have loved to explore.”
In the face of everything Trinity had just been told the rejection shouldn’t sting, it was the obvious conclusion. Baran had other priorities right now, Trinity had no reason to think she’d factor into what Baran’s near future would look like at all.
And yet, a part of her felt the unfairness of it all hit hard.
“We could be friends though…” she heard herself say, hating that she sounded almost pleading, “I could be there for you.”
Baran shook her head decisively, “No. I don’t…that’s not a role I’m comfortable playing. I’m a Domme, a Caregiver, not the other way around. And I’d love to think we could be friends, but I don’t think I’d last very long before I wanted to put you in my lap.”
Trinity tried to work through the hurt, nodding, looking down at her hands.
“I get it, I’d be a distraction, another thing on your mind, when you already have enough to deal with…I shouldn’t have suggested anything after you already communicated your situation.”
“Hold on, Trinity…that’s not what I meant.”
Baran shifted and then Trinity saw the woman’s elegant hand reach out for her own, squeezing it, like she was asking for attention.
“Trinity, look at me.”
She did, following Baran’s command felt so easy, so natural.
“You wouldn’t be a distraction, or a burden. But you wouldn’t be safe with me. What if I had a seizure while acting as your Dominant? You might drop, I couldn’t risk endangering you like that. And what if we used restraints, or did anything else where a slip in attention could even be physically dangerous?”
The ridiculousness of what Baran was worried about pulled a slightly hysterical giggle from Trinity, because it was that or full on crying.
“I’m still an adult. I can differentiate between play and a serious situation where you can’t control what is happening. And regarding things like restraints, I’m pretty sure the easiest fix for that would just be that we don’t do anything like that. Wouldn’t me being a doctor as well make me the ideal partner in your situation, since I know what to expect, and what to keep an eye on? If you don’t feel comfortable engaging in anything, in your current situation, I get that, and I am not trying to push for anything, but nothing you have said so far sounds like a definite roadblock. Just things to take into account. You could still spank me, still do many things to me, or have me do things for you…or to you…”
Baran hadn’t stopped Trinity so far, she was just looking at her with those big, soulful eyes.
So Trinity searched for her own confidence and reached out to place her free hand over the one that was holding her other.
She didn’t grasp it, instead just gently tracing her fingers over the delicate joints, the hills and valleys of Baran’s knuckles.
“And maybe some of the ways I might want to take care of you could be things I do in service to you. It doesn’t have to mean I’m taking control…I liked it when you were the one in control. A lot. You could still be the one controlling me.”
Baran’s brows furrowed, eyes dropping to where Trinity was still caressing her hand.
“How could you trust me to do that, after knowing what I just told you?”
Trinity smiled, a little sad for the woman.
This had clearly been a heavy blow to the way she thought of herself.
But to Trinity it felt so obvious.
“Because it’s still you. The seizures don’t change the kind of person you are. They might change some circumstances, might influence how certain things have to be done, but you are still the person that talked me out of hurting myself and then very confidently offered me a safer way to give my feelings an outlet. So why wouldn’t I still trust you to handle me? You were capable then, you are capable now. Nothing about that has changed.”
Baran exhaled a deep breath, like she was processing.
“Okay…"
She seemed to think Trinity's words over a few times.
"Maybe…if we start small, just see where things go.”
Trinity grinned at that.
“Small like you putting me in your lap? Maybe while we eat the rest of our takeout and watch a movie or something?”
Baran chuckled, something glinting in her eyes before she lifted Trinity’s hands and placed a few soft kisses on their knuckles.
“Yes, that sounds small enough as a start. If it’s something you’d enjoy doing too.”
“I think I’d like that a lot.”
~*~
Baran’s legs were angled and open, with Trinity sitting between them, her own legs over one of Baran’s thighs, while she was snuggled against the older woman’s chest.
They were done eating, pretending they were watching some documentary, but in actuality they were both more focused on tracing patterns on each other’s arms, playing with each other’s hands and fingers.
Eventually Baran reached for the remote and muted the TV.
She discarded the remote again and instead lifted Trinity’s face up by the chin until their eyes met.
“There are a few things you should know before this goes any further.”
Trinity nodded, patiently waiting for what else was to come.
Baran’s mouth twitched into a short, satisfied smile.
The younger woman had presented as so mouthy, so prickly at times, but all it had needed was for someone to offer her the option to not have to be in control of herself and she had turned into the sweetest thing, borderline docile.
“I’m asexual. Which in my case doesn’t mean I am entirely sex-repulsed, but it means that I have no interest in being the one that is being stimulated. Sex for me is something I use to control and take care of my partners. Does that make sense?”
Trinity chewed on her lower lip, looking a little uncertain.
“I think…do you…like doing sexual things to others? Or is it something you just do, because your partners have sexual needs? Because…if you don’t actually enjoy it, we could always talk about me just doing that kind of stuff with someone else…it doesn’t have to be part of our relationship…”
Baran felt immense appreciation and adoration as Trinity asked those well thought through and considerate questions.
She cupped the younger woman’s face tenderly.
“Sweet girl, I promise you, I would immensely enjoy doing many a thing to you. If you’re open to it. I’d love to watch you come undone on my fingers, or my tongue, or a toy. Very little makes me as happy as watching a pretty thing like you desperately trying to come, crying and begging for me to let them.”
Trinity sucked in a breath and then shakily let it out again, her pupils dilated from Baran’s words.
“Am I right in assuming you would like that?”
The younger woman nodded and seemingly instinctually leaned her face further into Baran’s hand.
“Good,” Baran said under her breath and then leaned forward to seal their lips together.
It was just a moment, an almost chaste kiss, except for the breath they exchanged.
“But not tonight. Tonight all we’ll do is hold each other, okay?”
Another nod, but this time Baran wouldn’t let it slide.
“Use your words.”
“Yes, I’d like that.”
Another soft kiss.
“Good girl.”
Trinity let out a content sigh and rested her head against Baran’s neck.
“I’m not sure I should enjoy it this much to be called that…”
“A good girl?”
“Yeah…”
Baran smirked and gently carded her fingers through the open part of Trinity’s hair.
“I think, if a random man called you that, you probably wouldn’t enjoy it, would you?”
“Ewwww…” Trinity exclaimed, face scrunched in disgust, “definitely not.”
Baran nodded, “So it’s the context. You don’t generally enjoy being called a good girl, you enjoy being my good girl.”
Suddenly Trinity had goosebumps on her arms and Baran was delighted, carefully brushing over the little hairs, without actually touching the skin.
“You really liked that, didn’t you?”
Trinity groaned and hid her face against Baran’s neck.
“Oh god…please don’t make fun of me…”
Baran tilted her head, “Why would I do that? I like making you be my good girl. Unless humiliation is something you enjoy, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Another groan.
“I might like it…at least a little bit? Being teased…like when you said you’d enjoy having me desperate and begging…I’d probably like it, if you teased me then…”
Baran’s thoughtful expression turned knowing, “I see, I am sure I can manage that. Fuck my good little girl stupid with my fingers, until she can’t even use her words anymore…”
Trinity shifted a little in Baran’s arms.
“Fuck…okay, yes, but you have to stop, because right now you are making it very difficult to not be sad you said we won’t be doing any of that tonight…”
Baran chuckled and placed a kiss against Trinity’s temple.
“Poor thing, are you getting wet just from me talking to you?”
“You are devious…”
Baran hummed, more content and feeling more herself than she had in quite a while.
“I know, but only because you bring it out in me.”