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The sound of a fist connecting to a door and banging loudly woke Aaron up, it was only the first knock but he was already wide awake, it wouldn't come as a surprise really. Given the fact that he's been on high alert since waking up in the hospital, every little sound seemed to make him jump, the thought of his ex husband popping around the corner with a vial of drugs setting him on edge.

He answered the door, his mum coming up behind him as he opened it. Three coppers, all with faces that looked like they'd done the night shift pressed a key to his hand, what he recognized as the key to John's van. 

Ten minutes later, he's sitting on the sofa, his thumb scrolling down on the page showing a web search of police updates. He'd want nothing more than to see that slippery little twat get sent down, but it seemed like the police are as useless as they've always been.

His mum pressed a steaming cup of tea on his knee, making him jump backwards and took the cup from her.

“You know they still haven't found him, I've been looking at the news, there's nowt” 

She sat on a chair closest to him, tapping her fingers at the back rest. “That doesn't mean things aren't happening in the background” 

He sighs, “And what if he comes back? Whatever he's planning on doing-” 

“Is for the police to sort out! Try not to worry luv, you have a ring of Dingles around you, no one's gonna let anything bad happen” 

His eyes were once again pulled to the screen. “And what if they don't find him?” 

“They've got every copper in the north looking for him, he can't just disappear. They'll get him, just a matter of time” 

He'd almost believed her reassurance, but then Caleb entered the room, bringing Cain and Moira with him.

~•~

He hasn't felt this trapped in a long time, it felt like he was out of options, Caleb let John go and there was nothing he could do, all the hurt he'd caused, the deaths, all of that will be left without justice because of Aaron's temper, if he'd just reigned it in with Anthony, John wouldn't have had the leverage, but he screwed it up again. 

“At least this way it's all over” Ruby pleaded. 

“It might be over for you but whilst he's still out there, it's not over for me is it?!” 

He wanted to punch someone, kick them and keep doing so, he knew he needed to get out of there before his uncle became that someone. 

The jacket made a swooshing sound then Aaron forcefully grabbed it, he was heading out the door when DS Walsh blocked the door, forcing him to walk backwards.

“So what is it now eh? Got another truckload of rubbish to throw at me?” 

She shook her head, “May I come in?” 

Aaron stalked back to his previous position, annoyed how Ruby is consolidating Caleb as if they're the one negatively affected by what he did. 

“So what is it then? Cuz I know you lot haven't found him yet” He dropped the coat he was down on a chair. 

“Unfortunately. But we have taken in a suspect based on the testimonies from the villagers” 

She pulled out a picture of a bloke. “I believe he was an accomplice of John, the one who pretended to be the driver who saw Nate that day” 

“Are you sure?” Asked Cain.

“We've not proven anything yet, but this individual being affiliated with John Sugden, mainly being an army comrade of him further supports our suspicions” 

“Clearly he didn't alert his mate that he's been caught and was doing a runner” Caleb added but backed down when Aaron glared at him.

“As you said, we haven't found Mr. Sugden, but we are working on it” 

“Thank you” 

“We've also searched places and talked to people that could be affiliated with Mr. Sugden, namely Mr. Steven Dean and Mr. Robert Sugden” 

Suddenly, his lungs seemed to stop welcoming air and no matter how much he gasped for it, nothing was coming in, making him a little lightheaded. 

“What did you say?” Cain asked cuz clearly, Aaron was out of words.

“Robert Sugden? Ex-convict, only came out about half a year ago” 

His mum stood up “That couldn't have been ‘im, he's got a life sentence” 

“Wait, tall, blonde hair?” Cain asked to which DS Walsh nodded “In any case, he doesn't seem to be affiliated with Mr. Sugden” 

“He's been out all this time…?” his mum whispered to the room, all of them slowly turning to him and Aaron just couldn’t- 

He can't deal with all of this right now. 

Not when John's still out on the loose. 

“Aaron?” 

He didn't give them any time to pummel him with questions just to see his reaction, he rushed out the door even without his coat, hitting DS Walsh’s shoulder in the process. 

Air finally filled his lungs when he got out of the pub, it was too dense there, too crowded. He heaved air in and out like he'd just ran a marathon, tears prickled in his eyes but he blinked them away, staggering his way towards the cafe. 

He opened the door and saw Mackenzie’s head being pecked by Nichola.

“Hey there mate” Mack nodded, making Nichola turn around.

“Aaron! I didn't think they'd let you out of the hospital so soon” 

“Coffee to go” 

Aaron wished he could say what happened next, but with Caleb following him in, Nichola with her accusations and Mack looking at him like he's pitying him, which would be appropriate. He started to think that maybe he shouldn't have gone inside.

His footsteps crinkled on the gravel as he rushed to John's van, driving it to the scrapyard while ignoring the sharp pain on his side. 

He burned everything, pictures, clothes, he had half a mind to just torch the whole van himself but he didn't want another helicopter explosion fiasco to happen.

“Aaron” 

“Leave me alone Mack” 

“Lucky for Nichola that you went off before she gave you the coffee” 

The crowbar plunged into the metal barrel, pushing more of John's stuff to burn. “She should just keep her mouth shut” 

“We owe no one an explanation Aaron” 

“Exactly” 

“Charity's out, wanna hang out at my place?” 

~•~

He sipped on his beer before setting it down the table. “It's bad enough being back here, I'm staying with my mum, probably beats going back at the flat, our flat” 

Mackenzie looked at him wide-eyed, slowly putting the controller down the table. “Guess we're not playing Mario kart” 

“Police came in this morning, got me and my mum out of bed” 

“Have they found him?” 

“Just a bunch of stuff from the cottage, and John's van” 

“You haven't torched the van too have ya?” 

He shook his head. 

“Good, reckon we might sink it down the water again” Mackenzie smiled. 

“Doesn't matter how I get rid of it, memories don't burn, or sink, so I'll know I'll never get rid of him, or forget him” he felt the tears come out but couldn't do anything to stop them.

“Aaron, we're okay, that's all that matters” 

“I'll never stop apologising for this Mack” 

“And I'll never stop reminding you that it's not your fault” 

~•~

“Robert's out” Aaron whispered, the words barely crawling out of his mouth. He had to say it, if he didn't, he might not believe it's real. 

Mack tilted his head, like a confused puppy. “Who?” Then his eyes widened after a few seconds “your Robert?” 

“I wouldn't say that but… yeah” 

Mack all but slammed his beer on the table, “since when?!” 

“DS Walsh said he's been out almost half a year” 

He knew Mack did a little math on his brain since he leaned back before saying “so just before your wedding then?” 

Aaron nodded, baffled by the fact that had he known Robert was out then, there's a chance he wouldn't have gone through with marrying John. 

“So… how do you feel about that?” Mack said in a kind of teasing tone.

He scoffed, “I don't know what to feel, part of me wants to push it aside, focus on what's really important” 

Mack nodded. “Like recovering?” 

“Yeah”

“But?” 

“I’m just… I'm so angry at him. For years, all I wanted is to be close to him again, now I've all these things I should be focusing on but all I can think about is he's out there, somewhere, and he'd rather be out there than be with me” he didn't know when he started crying, he only felt it when Mack handed him a tissue. 

“You could look at it like that… or you could see it as him knowing you had a chance to be happy, and not wanting to ruin that” Mack offered but Aaron wasn't convinced.

• ~•

“Aaron?” His mum knocked on his door, offering a silent concern that he felt even with it closed. 

“Yeah?” 

“What's all that noise? It's the middle of the night, a-are you okay?” His mum opened the door, seeing as he forgot to lock it. Her eyes widening from seeing the opened up bag placed on his bed. “Are you going somewhere?” 

He cleared his throat. “I just need to get away for a bit” 

She stepped further into the room, taking in the scattered clothes and toiletries “you're not going to find John are you?” 

He shook his head, “I'll leave that to the police” 

His mum checked his bag, even rearranging the things a bit to fit better, he's never been a good packer. She turned around abruptly, even startling Aaron. 

“So it's about Robert then?” 

He looked down. 

“Aaron!” 

“I need to speak to ‘im” 

“You've not even fully recovered yet!” 

“I’ll be fine”

Suddenly, his mum started taking out the contents of his bag. 

“What are you doing!”

“Making you see sense”

He stepped in front of her and took the bag from her hands, his clothes falling on the floor. 

“Listen, I know that I’m stopping here a bit, and I know my life is a mess but that doesn't mean you can treat me like I’m five years old”

“Aaron, listen to yourself! He cut you and everyone off! And he didn’t tell anyone when he got out, not even his own sister! Vic was here earlier with no clue that Robert is out, he is as selfish as he’s always been!” They were being so loud that even Liam was standing by the door, looking quizzically at the two of them

“You don’t know him” 

“So do you. It’s been years Aaron, are you sure the man that came in that prison would still be the same?” 

He sucked his teeth, making a tssk sound before picking up his clothes and stuffing them in the bag, to hell with organizing, “Well, that’s for me to figure out, innit?”

“Look, I’m trying my best looking after you, I don’t want you getting in on something again”

“I’m a big boy though mum, I can look after myself” 

He zipped up his bag and saw his mum sitting down on the bed, he sat next to her. 

“I don’t doubt that, just.. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid”

“I won’t” 

~•~

It was 4 AM when he woke up, the sound of rain banging on his windshield easing him from his slumber. He didn’t intend to fall asleep in his car, If he’s being completely honest, there wasn’t a need to leave in the middle of the night. His contact said he’d give Aaron the address in the morning, but he was just so restless last night, thoughts of Robert flooding his head.

An hour later, in a random bar down Hotten, the text he’s been waiting for finally came. 

[ Apartment 11 Forge, Kay St. Little Ilford, East London.]

London? 

Countless scenarios barreled in his mind. 

How has he been? 

Why didn’t he go home? 

Did he meet someone? 

Why is he in London? 

Did he meet another person to leech from in London? How dare he? 

Did he get back with his one and only love, money? 

He grabbed his mug, drinking the steaming coffee in one down, to hell with his burning mouth. Slamming a bill on the table, he bolted out of there in record time. 

There’s hours of road time ahead, hopefully to make him focus enough to get those thoughts ashore. 

• ~•

Thank god there wasn’t that much traffic in London, he arrived just before 9 AM, thinking he might see Robert leaving for work. He waited for an hour, seeing a number of people leaving the complex. It was an ok place, and he figured the area wasn’t that bad. 

Half an hour more and he was starting to doubt the credibility of his contact, he procured it in Italy but he figured it could’ve been a quack. 

At lunchtime, Aaron’s stomach grumbled, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday. He searched the area for a place to eat, but seeing nothing, he moved to an area that seemed a lot more popular, there were restaurants and cafes beside each other.

He entered a place that said curry day, it was crowded enough to ensure none of the locals would have space to start a conversation. Choosing a seat facing the clear glass that overlooked the street was a no brainer. 

While waiting for his order, he scanned the street around him. There was an old man flipping a sign on the door from open to closed for lunch, a woman with the highest heels he’s ever seen walking towards a vendor selling fresh flowers. It’s a nice scene, it's like an urban version of what they had in the village, how you can tell there’s something that holds these people together. 

He just didn’t like that white van parked directly in front of him, it was an interruption from the busy street, and it bothered him that it was blocking the store in front of it. The lamb bhuna he ordered was so-so, or maybe it was just his lack of an appetite that made it mediocre in his taste.

The van moved just in time as he was finishing his meal, though it seemed like the shop was closed, in front it was a newsagent selling papers and magazines, it was small, only blocking half the closed shop. 

A man was reading what Aaron recognized as a sports magazine while he was pulling a bill out of his pocket and handing it to the seller, when he walked off, the man, reading a paper blocking his head, folded it and turned around to place it in the till. 

But even with the paper blocking his face, Aaron would recognize that frame anywhere, that hair, those hands, it’s undeniably him.

It was only confirmed when the bloke turned around and faced his direction. He might have a few wrinkles, and a messy set of facial hair but that’s him, that’s his ex-husband. 

“Alright luv, can I get you anything else?” The waitress asked, but he wasn’t bothered enough to turn his head. He was, however, in store for another meal.

“Is your Korma any good?”

~•~

He enjoyed that meal, and had two orders of jalebi that he ate slowly as he was watching Robert work. 

Robert mostly read, him with his head buried in today’s paper seemed to be the bulk of his duties. There was a truck that delivered a box of mags that Robert took, and arranged in front of his stand, then put the remaining behind it. 

He had a lot of customers. Women picking up gossip mags, a teenage girl coming to get a cosmopolitan, and a lot of people in suits taking their dose of the daily news. A couple of people who seemed to really know him. A man from the nearby coffee shop delivered a mug of coffee to his booth, not even accepting it when Robert attempted to pay. 

At exactly 1 PM, Robert took out a ziplock bag from his rucksack, containing a single sandwich and some crisps.not taking his eyes off of the paper he’s reading while eating.

Aaron wondered how long he’s been working here, since he got out? Maybe. It's not like there’s a job waiting for him at home. Nod, there could be. He’d offer him a job at the scrapyard in a heartbeat, if that’s what it takes to bring him home and keep him there. 

When people started looking at him weird for staying in his seat for too long without ordering anything more, he figured it was time to come out. 

Robert didn’t notice him when he approached the stall, not even when he’s standing right in front of him. 

He picked up a fourfourtwo and slammed it on the counter, startling the man, making him look down on it. 

“Three pounds”

That paper must really be interesting if even after that, he still can’t look up.

“Can’t you do a mates rates?”

That did it.

Those eyes were as captivating as the day he first and last time looked into them. “Aaron?”

“Robert, miss me?” 

• ~•

“H-how did you know I was out” Robert asked, the paper abandoned. 

“No, I do the questioning, you understand?” The man nodded. 

“Right, What time do you get off?” He said in a monotone voice, not giving him time to come up with an excuse.

“In about an hour, I just gotta wait for Jim- the night guy”

He hummed, “Well I’ll be in that cafe” pointing at the one where the guy that gave Robert that coffee came from. “You better be there in an hour”

“What if I’m not?”

Aaron smiled. “I’ll just have to come by your flat, dun’ I?

~•~

Robert came in exactly an hour later, Aaron flagged a waiter immediately, seeing as he's been in there for an hour without ordering. 

He didn't head to Aaron's table though, he headed straight for the kitchen where he handed the used cup to someone. It was obvious that Robert was nervous, given by the fact that he hadn't met Aaron's eyes even as he sat down. 

“Hiya, what can I get you? last two of our strawberry muffins are up for grabs, if you're interested” A cheery waiter asked. “The usual Robert?” 

The man looked embarrassed but he still nodded. 

“And yeah, two of them muffins,” Aaron added. 

“Coming right up!” 

“Wow, you've really become a local” 

“Aaron-” 

“How are you out?” 

“I appealed” 

“And you couldn't be bothered to tell us?” he scoffed. 

“I didn't think you'd wanna know” Robert looked down, knowing that excuse is a load of rubbish. 

“What I think I should know or not is up to me, if you didn't want me to find out, the least you could've done is tell Vic” 

“Does she know?”

He shook his head. “Figured it should come from you” 

“I don't want to tell her” 

“Why? She'd love for you to come back, meet your nephew” he insisted, but Robert only shook his head.

“I'll only be a burden to her” 

“How? It looks like you're doing okay for yourself” 

“I get by” 

“Then come home” 

He saw a glimpse of a tear threatening to come out of Robert's eye but he blinked it away. “I don't know…” 

Aaron sighed, letting the silence fall between them just as the waiter came out with their food. 

“Uhm, can we get these to go please?” Robert asked, looking very keen on leaving. 

The waiter nodded and walked back to the kitchen.

“Have you met someone, is that why you're staying here?” He immediately knew that it was the wrong question to ask, Robert looking at him in disbelief.

“Is that what you think of me?” 

“I-” “here you go” The waiter handed him a paper bag and a cup holder for two coffees. He pulled out a twenty and handed it to her. 

Robert scoffed and rushed out of his seat and out of the cafe. 

• ~•

“Robert!” He was walking fast, he couldn't run because of the coffees he was holding but Robert was currently a block ahead of him, walking fast enough to float on water. It didn't help that London was so crowded he might just lose sight of him.

Robert turned left and Aaron rushed, his legs burning as he walked faster while being stable. 

When he rounded the corner, he saw that it was an empty alleyway, Robert pacing back and forth. 

“Robert-” 

“The police came by my stall the other day, you can imagine how fun that was, an ex-con interrogated for a full afternoon” 

Aaron nodded slowly, a big palm of guilt smacking him right on the forehead. 

“Is that why you're here? Seeing if I've harboured another brother on the run?” he said it in an accusatory tone that rubbed Aaron the wrong way. 

“No, I'm here to see how much more selfish you can get!” He walked towards him, pressing a finger on his chest.

“Victoria was devastated when she got that evidence, she did everything to get you to appeal, yet your stubborn arse still wouldn't, and now you're out and you refuse to see her” 

“You cut me off, I'd have moved anywhere, I'd have done anything just to keep you close but it was all for nothing!” He didn't care about the constant flow of tears from his eyes, or the fact that his voice was shaking, this needed to be said.

“I ask one question whether you've met someone and you kick off? How dare you Robert?” he used his forearm to push Robert, making the man stumble back a couple of steps.

“I haven't” he looked up to see Robert's eyes reflecting his. 

“Then why didn't you tell me?” 

“I'm sorry Aaron” 

“I don't need an apology Robert, just tell me why!” He placed the bag on a crate and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. 

“I did try to come home” 

“When?” 

“On your wedding day” 

The pit of nausea in his stomach grew ten-fold to the point that he might throw up.

“I saw someone—I don't remember it now, post about it online, I was so determined to just go there and stop all of it” 

“Why didn't you?” 

“I got there, I even missed a parole meeting just to be there, I was so nervous and… you were with John just outside the chapel and just… you looked so happy Aaron. I just felt stupid and s-selfish” Robert leaned on a wall near him, sniffling and wiping his tears too. 

“I thought, why did I even cut you off, why did I give you your life back just for me to come back and wreck it all over again” he sounded defeated, it broke Aaron's heart. 

“I didn't want my life back Robert, I wanted you” He tried to reach out to the other man but Robert just dodged it. 

“I'm not good for you Aaron, not to you, not to Victoria, not to anyone. You're all better off without me. That's why I'm not coming back” 

Then he walked away… leaving Aaron alone in the alley.

~•~

Robert must think him a fool if he thinks that'll keep him away, after having three pints and a shot of tequila in a nearby pub. He was back at his previous position outside Robert's complex. 

He was half hyping himself up and half waiting for someone to approach the building so he can come inside without needing to be buzzed in.

When a woman carrying a big bag of groceries came started walking near, Aaron got out of his car and approached the door at the same time. 

He noticed the woman needing two hands to gold the bag. 

“What number?” He asked. 

“Twenty four” 

Aaron pressed it, then waited as the woman was buzzed in, quietly sneaking in behind her. 

Robert's door wasn't locked, it wasn't even closed, his door was slightly agar, letting out a sliver of light that came up to the opposite wall. 

Aaron figured be might have just forgotten about it and is now cooking tea. He didn't expect that Robert would be half passed out on his sofa, nursing a bottle of vodka.

He took in the room before he approached Robert, it didn't look like it was lived in, there wasn't any design, any photos, like it was ready to be listed up again.

Grabbing another glass, Aaron filled it with water and walked towards the living room, setting it in a table and sitting there justt opposite of Robert.

The dried path that tears made was prominent in his face, stopping just before it hits his chin.

He placed a hand on his jaw, rubbing his thumb gently on Robert's cheek. 

“Aaron?” 

“Here, drink this” 

“Wh-what’re you doing here?” Robert asked, slurring his words.

“Told you I'd just come to yours if you ignore me” he lifted the glass up to Robert's face, not taking it off until he's had half of it.

“You kept saying, Vic would love it if I came back” 

Aaron nodded. “She would” 

“How about you? Would you be ok if I go back?” Robert leaned near him to place the bottle on the table. 

“I will” 

“I don't want to make you uncomfortable” 

“I won't be” cuz you'll be coming back with me he thought.

“I don't know…” 

“Don't decide on it tonight, yeah? Do you want me to help you to bed?” 

Robert smiled. “Only if you come with me, heh heh” 

Aaron hauled him up, hooking Robert's arm on his shoulder. 

His bedroom was just as basic as the living room, most of the furniture was white, even the comforter, it looked like a bachelor pad of a recently divorced bloke. 

In his nightstand however, is a picture of the three of them, him, Aaron and Seb then another one but with Liv and not Seb. 

• ~• 

“Aaron, are you still there?” Robert asked. It was just after 1AM. He helped him get to bed, then decided he didn't want to sleep in his car, or pay for a hotel, he took a shower in Robert's bathroom then lied down next to him.

“Yeah” 

“Do you remember that day, when we went to the playground, me, you, Seb and Liv?” 

“I do” 

“Then we voted whether or not to get a dog?” 

“Mhm” 

“One of the best days of my life, we never did get a dog, did we?” Robert huffed a quiet laugh. 

“And Liv never did ace that exam” they both laughed at that. 

~•~

 Some things certainly didn’t change, like how Robert still likes sleeping with the windows open, blasting the morning sun at Aaron’s eye every day. 

He woke up and swung an arm to where Robert was supposed to be sleeping only to be met with a handful of the comforter. 

The bed dipped under his weight as he hauled himself up to a sitting position, mind racing restlessly through endless assumptions.

All shut down by Robert rushing into the room, towel draped over his lower half as he rummaged through the drawer.

“Got somewhere you need to be?” 

Robert turned to him looking positively indifferent. “I'm late to work, It's already half past nine and I need to open the stall” it took him three tries till he finally got the right pair of socks which he threw on the bed.

“Can’t you take the day off?” Aaron asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

“I-I can't, I already had to beg Jim to let me have the job… not a lot of people would hire an ex-con you know?” Robert pulled out a navy blue underwear out the drawer, eyes shifting from it to Aaron.

He sighed, then turned around. “‘s not anything I haven't seen before” 

“Yeah but… you weren't married then, all done” when he turned around, Robert was already wearing trousers, didn't stop him from looking at that chest though, seemingly with a lot more hair than it did before.

“Not sure I am now and all, it's not everyday you marry a psychopath” 

The sound of the low chuckling made him look up from where he was twisting the sheets. “It's just most days for you right?” typical, laughing at his own joke even before telling them.

Robert sighed. “I'll need to come up with an excuse as to why I'm late” sliding onto a blue fleece and grabbing a hat from another drawer. 

Then he turned to Aaron, not doing anything… just standing right in front of him. For a second, Aaron thought he might say something, like ask how he is, the village, Vic. 

“Lock the place on your way out, yeah?”

• ~•

He laid down all the things he bought from the shop down in Robert's kitchen, there's chicken, a small jar of pesto he knew was good, he also couldn't find the small pasta that tasted good so he just grabbed penne, then there's two six-packs, a bag of apples, a box of the tea he likes, and three ramen noodle packets as a backup plan.

By the time he transferred the pasta from the boiling water to the simmering sauce, the sound of keys clanging together was already there. 

“Aaron?” Robert dumped his rucksack down a chair, face riddled with confusion. 

“It's just about cooked, gimme a sec” The seared chicken was on a rack to cool while the pasta is just about done, he took two plates and placed them on the counter, seeing as Robert doesn't have a table, just a small counter that separates the kitchen from the living room of a sofa and a kitchen.

He lifted the whole pan of pasta and placed it on the table along with the chicken. 

“god I'm starving” 

“Aaron?” He still had that bewildered look on his face. 

“I bought another box of tea bags, the kind you have is rubbish” Aaron waved his hand as he transferred some of the steaming pasta on his plate. 

“C-can we just talk for a second?”

“After dinner, yeah”

Robert nodded, silently taking some food and shifting his eyes between Aaron and it.

“Good?” 

“Mhm” 

~•~

The plates were almost done being wiped when Robert came to try again, leaning his hip on the counter while Aaron was putting them away. “Thanks for cooking, been living off of noodles and sandwiches” 

“Why? Lost your touch?” Aaron teased.

“Nah, just seemed like too much work, cooking just for myself” 

“This was just a fluke” he reached for the cupboard to reveal the backup. “Got some noodles here too, in case I burn everything” 

Robert laughed “Thanks, won't have to restock soon” 

He wanted to ask how he was, if he's sleeping properly, if people in the building treated him okay, if he missed being in the village, and missed being with Aaron. 

“Would need to buy eggs and bacon for tomorrow” he put the last plate away and turned to Robert.

“Aaron?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Wh-why’re you still here?” 

The question honestly took him aback, mostly because he didn't know why he was still here. He was only meant to see how Robert is doing, but being here, this close to him, it's intoxicating.

“Are you saying you want me to go?” 

Robert shook his head. “Won't your mum wonder where you are?” 

I just need to get away for a bit… anyways, my mum knows where I am” 

It annoyed him that Robert stayed silent.

“But if you want I can jus-” 

“No! no, don't be silly, you can stay as long as you want, just… be careful, yeah?” 

Aaron stepped back. What's that mean? 

Robert met his eyes for a second, before turning and grabbing a can from his fridge, checking each one to see which one was the coldest.

“When the police came here, what did they say?” 

The couch dipped when Robert took a seat. “Asking if I knew Mr. Sugden, I told them I am Mr. Sugden, then they showed me a picture of John, asking if I've seen him before, said I've never seen the bloke in my life. They started bringing out my charges, saying if I lied and was keeping him safe, that I'd get more this time” 

He took a can himself, sliding a coaster and sitting down next to Robert. “Sorry, probably was hard for you” 

“S’alright, as long as I can help” 

It took a second before Robert finally chose something to watch, a documentary centered on Anna Delvey.

• ~•

About a quarter into the film he realised he moved from shifting his eyes to Robert once in a while to full blown staring at him. Taking in everything, every little change in his face, reactions to random facts about the con-woman.

Robert must've realised it, like that fifth sense people have when they just know someone's staring at them. 

“We can watch something else if you like?” 

“I like what I'm seein’ so far,” he smiled. 

He was sure there was a hint of smile on Robert's lips too, but that shifted into a grimace quickly.

“Aaron?” 

“Yeah?” 

Gazing down at those hands, he could see Robert playing with the pull tab of the can, pulling and pushing. A clear sign of uncertainty.

“D-do you hate me?” 

“Yeah” that was a no brainer, he does hate Robert, Aaron's never felt such loss and betrayal than when Robert cut him off, it felt like life was never the same, the village, the people there, it all seemed so dampened when he'd gone. 

“Then why would you want me back home?” 

“Robert… it's your home, I shouldn't get a say in whether you're allowed there or not… and the thought of Vic not seeing you because of me, I don't want that”

Robert leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “I'll just ruin her life again if I went back” 

There wasn't any doubt when Aaron placed a palm in the middle of Robert's back. “Vic was only devastated cuz you'd gone, imagine how chuffed she'd be if you came back” 

He turned to Aaron, grabbing the remote and shutting the TV off. “Tell me about her then, does she still work at the pub?” 

Aaron shook his head. “Nah, she works with Moira now up at Butler's, proper farmer she is?” 

Robert grinned “Vic? Farming?” 

It was like he was energized all of a sudden, he nodded. “Moira would've lost the farm if not for her. Harry enjoys being up there too” 

He noticed Robert leaned back, shifting a little closer to him as he did. “And what's Harry like?” 

With the last gulp of his beer, Aaron placed his can down too, mirroring Robert's position. “A Sugden, through and through, doesn't like walking. I offered to buy him a bike for Christmas but Vic doesn't want him crashin’” 

“How else would he learn if he doesn't risk crashing?” Robert chuckled. 

“That's what I said!” He reveled in the sound of that laugh, he never thought he'd hear it again. “He'd love it if his uncle Robert could teach him” 

“Does he know about me?” 

“You, Andy, Diane, all the important people” 

Something heartbreaking swept across Robert's face, following till he looked and turned away from Aaron completely.

“Sarah got married too, t’Jacob, he took her last name so there's another Sugden in the mix” Diverting the conversation seemed proved to be futile because Robert stood up and started gathering the cans. 

“It's getting pretty late” 

“Have you got bedtime or summat?” he didn't even get to finish his sentence, Robert chucking the cans in the bin and heading for the bathroom, reminding him to shower too.

He nipped down to his car for a bit, taking his duffle bag and checking his phone. There were a couple of texts, mainly from his mum, one from Mackenzie too, asking if he's alright, he replied with a thumbs up and powered it off again before heading downstairs.

The light was off when he opened the door, the sound of the shower now gone. 

He's always had a problem with sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, even when he was a teenager, going out with his mates in Ibiza, he'd had trouble sleeping there too. It's cuz he's always on guard, and being asleep meant being defenseless.

Aaron didn't know if it was the booze or that he'd been sleeping in his car, or the fact that since John had escaped, he's been sleeping with one eye open, but last night, next to a Man he hadn't seen in half a decade, on a flat on the shady side of London. Aaron had the best rest of his life.

So you could imagine his disappointment when he got out of the shower and Robert had pulled out the mattress in the sofa and set up a bed for him. 

After dressing up in his sleeping clothes, aka his normal clothes, he contemplated asking Robert if he could just sleep next to him again, saying some excuse like feeling there's bedbugs in that mattress.

Aaron decided against it, not sure how much rejection from Robert he can take before knocking him out and stuffing him in his trunk back to Emmerdale.

The man was being a stubborn idiot, completely different from the Robert he knew, he's not selfish, not sure of himself. He's also quiet, which he found was a nice development, if it wasn't so alarming.

Three hours later, not one sparkle of drowsy dust was sprinkled on him. 

He was just about to make himself a brew when he heard noises from Robert's room, faint moans and grunts. In true Chas’s son fashion, he pressed his ears on the door.

“P-please don't… hnghh please, please” 

Hands white from the tight grip he had on that door knob, Aaron couldn't open it fast enough. 

“D-don’t! Stop! Mmhm Please stop” 

It looked like someone was keeping Robert's arms nailed on his sides while he struggled for a bit of movement. Nausea filled his every sense, punching on his stomach to act, but he didn't know how, he didn't want Robert to be scared if Aaron woke him up.

He knew touching Robert was a mistake the moment he did it, the man practically pouncing on him till he had Aaron's collar in both of his fists, eyes fully closed, tears streaming down from them.

“Rob! It's me, just me, look” The tremble of his hands didn't subside when Aaron held them. Keeping one there, he reached out to touch Robert's jaw, swiping a thumb on those tears.

“You know me, r-right? It's Aaron” 

“A-aaron?” 

“Yeah, and you're with me, which means you're okay” 

Robert nodded, eyes shut closed like he was in pain. Aaron guided his head to face him. “Open your eye, look, you're with me, just me” 

“W-what if I'm back?” 

“You're not” 

“B-but what if I am?” 

Aaron pulled his arms, inching closer towards him till Robert's chin was resting on his shoulder, arms wrapped around him, hands clutching everything they could. 

“See? All me, just me” 

When he pulled back, Robert's eyes were open. Thumbs wipe on the pooling tears on them. Robert heaved a sob, a wrenching sound that came from the deepest parts of him. “You're here” 

“I am” 

“I'm sorry” another sob. “I'm so sorry Aaron” 

“I know” 

Robert cried till he was hiccuping, till Aaron felt the fabric of his shirt soaked with his tears. 

“Come on, let's sleep” 

Robert wanted to put space between them but Aaron wasn't having it, he pulled him till the crown of his head was touching Aaron's chin. 

“I don't hate you Rob, I could never, it's your actions that I hate” 

“I'm sorry” 

“Just sleep, yeah?” 

“Okay” 

~•~

God, that sodding sunlight again, it was the only annoying thing he could think of when waking up next to Robert. 

Aaron was a bit scared Robert might do a disappearing act on him again so he willed himself to wake up every three hours just to check.

That messy blonde locks were still there, those peppered shoulders still pressed against his diaphragm. 

There was some sort of tingling sensation on his right arm, what he realised as it being the result of being under Robert and obstructing blood flow, so he moved a bit.

“Aaron?” 

“Shift up Rob, my arm's dead” 

“Sorry” 

Robert pulled his arms from where he was clutching at his side, keeping them close to his chest instead. 

“You alright?” 

“mhm” 

Then Robert pulled away completely, sitting up from the bed and looking back at him.

“Thanks, for last night” 

“Had to help prevent the whole complex from wakin’ up, didn't I?” he smiled but Robert seemed to have found it unamusing.

“They're not usually that bad” 

“D’you get them a lot?” 

The man nodded.

“You didn't the other night” 

Running his palms through his face, Robert sighed. “The booze helped” 

The mattress dipped as he sat up too, inching quietly till he's shoulder to shoulder with Robert. “Have you got work today?” 

“It's Saturday” 

“Then” he nudged him slightly, “mind spending the day w’me?” 

• ~•

“You know, it's just occurred to me” Aaron stated before taking in another scoop of his rocky road. “We've never really been in London together have we? Like proper outing and stuff” A couple holding a map pointing in the direction they were heading to passed by. “Like those two”

“That's cuz there's loads of cities we went to that's actually better than London” argued Mr. Mint chocolate chips. 

“Just because it's not tropical doesn't make it terrible, there's museums and look there's amusement parks” Aaron pointed with his wooden spoon, then elbowed Robert's side. “Mind you, you would say that, you're a local” 

“Am not!” Robert recoiled his neck, acting offended.

Huffing a laugh, he made a point by looking Robert up and down. “You live here now, and you've lived here before, for a decade!” 

The man scoffed, shaking his head.

“Eyy I'm Robert d’you know wot I mean? I lived ‘ere for ten years but I ain't a local, if someone chats you up and says ovawize or summin, then that's bollocks d’you hea me?” Robert was howling at the end of it.

“You're ridiculous” Robert took one long lick of his Ice cream, he always chooses to have them in a cone, while Aaron always liked them on those little cups with wooden spoons, the kind where you could taste the wood even after finishing them.

“Go on then” Aaron said, polishing the last of his ice cream. “Show us a few of your spots”

Robert took him to the Big Ben obvs, the Buckingham palace, but he’d seen that before. Irking Robert to take him to places not for tourists since he’s been to London before, the man dragged him closer to his flat and introduced him to the glory of East London, glory being empty stores and abandoned complexes, stopping by one run down apartment apparently called the Ville.

“Rent here was dirt cheap, which was super rare considering it’s London. When I lived here it was full of broke college students or just runaway blokes like me” Robert looked up to it, taking in the changes from the passage of time.

“How long did you stay here?” 

“About three years, then I moved with with some mates in the west, four of us sharing one fancy flat” The man laughed. “Four lads in their early twenties, there wasn’t a time when none of us were drunk” 

Aaron hummed, knowing the chaos of living on your own in your early twenties. 

“Then at night we’d scour the city for hip clubs, pre-gaming so that we’d arrive and not lose money on expensive booze”

The rain cut off their tour short, quickly hopping in Aaron’s car and heading to the cafe near Robert’s stand, the same one they were in before. 

“Hiya Robert!” the same cheery waiter greeting them.

“Hiya, can we have them muffins again please luv” Again, table by the window overlooking the street, if Aaron leaned back, he could see Robert’s stand. The man nipped out of the shop for a bit, returning with today’s paper tucked in his arm. 

“Are you liking it? Managing the newsagent?” 

The subtle lift of a shoulder told him all he needed to know. “It’s okay I guess, I get to catch up on the news, that’s a plus” 

Their order was brought by the same waiter, even giving Robert a free doughnut which irritated Aaron, flirty much? 

“It’s… simple” 

Aaron hummed. “Like summat you can do without thinking about it?”

“Yeah” 

He poured three packets of sugar and one creamer in his coffee, giving his other creamers to Robert and taking a bite of the sodding doughnut, which turned out to be full of jelly. Thank god he wore black.

“Clumsy” 

“Who was that waiter anyway? Seemed awfully cosy” He grumbled while wiping down his shirt. 

“She’s just friendly cuz I work nearby” 

“How’d you land this job then? Knew someone from prison did’ja?” He threw the paper towel down the table. 

“No… I used my 76 quid to travel down here, then used the remaining money on my account for my flat, pretty much applied to everywhere” He shrugged “As you can imagine, no one really wanted to hire a man convicted of murder” 

“Manslaughter” Aaron cut him off. 

“Doesn’t make a difference… Anyway, this guy actually took his time reading my resume instead of just looking at my record, and he hired me”

“Is the pay good?”

“Enough for a pair of shoes that won’t let the rain in”

Aaron nodded slowly, sliding him the other muffin and sipping his coffee. 

“How about you? Do you still own the scrapyard?” Robert leaned on their table, scooting his chair till both his elbows were on the table.

“Co-own” 

“With who?”

“Our vinny” 

Robert’s face contorted, his nose scrunching up to say really?

“Doesn’t look the type to do manual labour” 

“He’s okay, a bit of a pushover, but he’s committed. I left the village a couple years back, and gave the business to ‘im. I’m lucky he lets me be the co-owner”

“Of course he would, Dingles love co-owning with family, the pub, dingle and dingle” Robert laughed.

“Not like it wasn’t co-owned with family before” He figured out then and there that there’s just certain things Robert can’t figure out. That sudden flicker of his eyelids like he’s about to cry, shifty irises too.

“Rob… can I ask you summat?” Waving his hand on the table to get the man to look up, Aaron held his gaze.

“Anything” 

“Did you regret it? Just… yes or no” part of him didn’t want to know, given that Robert already apologized to him in that letter, but even after that, there’s this tinge of doubt that lingers, that maybe… he thought it was the best decision, that it didn’t matter destroying Aaron. 

“I didn’t” A defeated laugh spewed out of him. “Not for a while” 

“But you did?” 

Robert slowly nodded. “About a year in… I realized it was the worst decision” 

“And did you ever think of contacting me?” 

“No, It was already done” He sounded so sure of it, so final. “I didn’t want you to worry about me inside, with the pandemic and all”

“I did that anyway”

“It doesn’t matter” But it did. He’d have taken back Robert with a single letter, a paragraph, a sentence just to say he was ready to be in contact again. He’d have moved that same day, broken up with anyone he was with.

“I wish you did” 

A veil of silence fell upon them, he was sure Robert just didn't know what to say back, no excuse would do good to what's already done.

“Can I ask you something back?”  

He raised his eyebrows, “Go on then” 

“W-what happened with John?” there's that glint again, one that comes out when he's uncertain about something.

“Did the police not tell ya?” 

Robert shook his head. “Told me about the charges but… they were pretty vague” Aaron noticed that his cup was already empty, Robert's only half empty and both of the pastries were gone. Right on time then, cuz he'd rather have this conversation in private.

“Finish that up and I'll tell ya”

~•~

“I met him about two years ago, he didn't want to stick around but Vic convinced him, she didn't have family in the village” Robert cracked another bottle of beer, setting it next to him.

“Did Vic like him?” Robert asked, leaning over on the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, but she was desperate, Diane had just left and… she'd have latched on anyone named Sugden”

“I thought she'd come with Diane if she moved” 

The bitter and woody taste of the beer put him in a nice buzz, he answered Robert after taking another swig. “The village is her home, it's Harry's home too” 

“Anyway, I stayed with John b-because he seemed safe, stable” it wasn't ignored by him how Robert darted his eyes away, seemingly finding the tab on the bottle interesting.

“He helped me and the family when we messed up, saved my life one time, mum's too. It's like he was someone I can rely on”

Robert cleared his throat “so you married him” 

“Mum and Liam were getting married but it got cancelled, everything was already there so…” 

“So when did the other stuff happen?” 

Aaron finished that bottle, then gestured for Robert to get him another one, which he took half of in one go. “You know Nate? Cain's son?” 

Robert nodded.

“He disappeared a while back, half the village thought he'd done a runner from his family but Tracy never believed it, they had a daughter together” He sniffled, guessing tears would be next.

“The day we got married, they pulled his body up from a lake”

“And John did it?”

Aaron nodded, blinking away the tears threatening to come out.

“Why?” 

“He's got this idea in his head, that he's this…saviour, he'd drug people then cure them” 

Robert's face contorted in disgust. “So all that before…?” 

Aaron nodded, voice breaking. “He did all of it, me, my mum, Jacob, even Harry” 

“Seriously? He did that to a child?” 

“He was in the hospital for days, Vic was terrified he wasn't gonna make it” 

“How did the police find out?” Robert looked like he was on the edge of his seat, desperate to know more.

“He messed up, he drugged this other guy, Owen. Then got a fake witness saying Owen killed Nate. 

But Mack was hitching a ride from him to go here in London, saw a picture of John and the fake witness” 

Robert waved his hand in the air “wait wait, who's Mack?” 

“My best mate… Moira's brother. John kidnapped him” 

÷

“He said if he couldn't have me, no one can. He pulled us over the gorge. Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital” 

“Is that how you got this cut?” Robert touched it suddenly, making him wince.

“Ow! Little warning would ya?” 

“It still looks fresh, Aaron, how long ago did this happen?” he moved his hand slowly to the surface of the cut, touching the stitches gently

“I woke up about… twelve days ago?” 

Robert shot up from his seat. “Twelve days? Aaron! Are you sure you're alright?!” 

“Chillax, I'm fine!” 

“You should still be recovering!” 

“I was fine before you knew, wasn't I?” 

Robert sat back down, grabbing Aaron's jaw and turning his head to see the wound better. 

“So where is he now? John” 

Aaron shrugged. “Dunno” 

That night, as Aaron was lying awake next to Robert, replaying in his head the amazing day they had, replaying and replaying till the memory was etched in his brain, there were some moments there that he wished weren't included in the day, like talking about John. 

Anchoring an arm to shift himself facing Robert, he thought about the ice-cream, walking along river Thames, visiting his old complex, it all made Aaron feel… content, like he's feeling something familiar. 

“Used my 76 quid to travel down here” 

It was the last thought he had before falling asleep.

• ~•

Six hours, he's been waiting for Robert to get home for six hours. Normally he wouldn't be like a concerned parent when you come home late, just sitting in the dark with one lamp open. But last night, he realised there was something really weird about what Robert said in the cafe.

He meant to ask him in the morning but the man was already gone when he woke up. Aaron stalked to check if he's at work and he was, he didn't even say good morning to him.

Aaron shot up to his feet the moment he heard that key being used, pacing around the room as Robert pushed open the door. 

“Hey I got us some curri- Aaron? What's going on?” The white plastic bag was quickly abandoned as Robert came to check on him.

“Last night, I was replaying in my head how yesterday went, just the two of us…and I remember summat weird you said at the cafe” there wasn't much space in Robert's flat to pace about so he ended up walking from the sofa back to the TV set.

“Okay… what have I said?” Robert opened his arms and stepped near Aaron but he jumped back.

“You said… when you got out y-you used your 76 quid to get down here?” He tilted his head and waited for the man's response.

“That's right” 

“The isle of wight is south of London Robert, if you went here after you got out then you'd have gone up! Not down” Aaron got up right in his face, his right foot tapping the floor restlessly.

“I probably misspoken,” Robert shrugged.

“Nah but you see, you spent years on that place, that one place! You can't have just forgotten where it's located!” He sighed. “Which means you're lying to me…” 

Aaron watched his brain tick, the bolts spinning and cogs moving to spit out an excuse. Robert's gaze shot down, a proper tell. “You're overthinking this…”

He huffed a laugh, unbelievable. “You better tell me the truth Robert I'm SICK of people lying to me” 

The man rushed past him, bumping their shoulders and making Aaron stumble back. He turned and saw Robert heading to the cupboard and grabbing the bottle of vodka at the very back. “I'm telling the truth, I headed here when I got released” 

“But?” 

“But I wasn’t on the Isle of Wight…. I got transferred back” Robert downed a swig of vodka straight from the bottle, wincing from the burning sensation in his throat.

“Y-you’re unbelievable” 

“I didn't want you to find out like this” he looked back, before drinking again.

Following Robert to the kitchen, Aaron came close, till he's just behind him. “I bet you didn't want me to find out at all, cuz that's what you do Robert, you lie” 

The man pivoted to him, bottle still in hand, eyes half-lidded and fixated on Aaron. “What good could it have done eh? You were moving on, and I was glad you were, it wouldn't have helped you if you knew I was close”

“I decide what's good for me Robert, me!” he snatched the bottle right out of Robert's hand and took two gulps, scrunching his nose from the bitter taste. “You're right, it wouldn't have done good, but it would've eased this… fear right here” Aaron pointed at his chest. “The one that's dreading that call from hundreds of miles away saying I've lost ya

And I know how you justify not telling me things because that doesn't count as lying but… Rob it hurts just the same” 

He lifted his arms to wipe the tears off his face and a set of arms clung onto his back, fists bunching his shirt as he was pulled onto Robert's front. “I'm so sorry Aaron, it seems like all I can do is hurt ya”

Countless nights dreaming about this… being in the same room as Robert, being this close to him. And even though Robert lied, that he didn't come home after getting out, it felt incomparable to his dreams. 

“I know you only did what you thought was best for me, but I'd rather be in the worst if it means I get to keep ya” Aaron wrapped his arms around the man too, squeezed as tight as he can, damned the tears unwiped, the sobs unsuppressed. 

“I wish I could've changed what I did, my decisions didn't help… they only ended up hurting the both of us” the man buried his head on the place where Aaron's neck and shoulders meet.

“So talk to me about it… if you're confused or scared. Rob it's my job to help you out” he held Robert by the jaw, arms remaining at his hips as he pushed Robert and put them face to face. “Have your back?” 

With a slow nod, Robert squeezed him tighter than before. For a second there, even amongst the buzzling unfamiliarity of London, the ex-husbands lurking at the corners of his thoughts, and the silent flashes of memories that keeps him up at night, Aaron felt like he still had a chance to be happy. 

Then Robert pressed his lips against his.

~•~

Aaron wished he could say they did it in the way they always used to. Robert walking backwards towards the bedroom while Aaron holds him by his sides, mouths not being apart from each other the whole time. The way it always felt like this carnal urge for them to have each other. Rutting their crotches behind jeans while they explored the familiar places in each other’s bodies, knowing where to go to make the other feel good, then ridding their clothes in less than a minute unbuttoning, pulling, unzipping. 

But they didn't.

After Aaron pulled from the kiss, Robert looked like he was ready to burst out sobbing, Aaron kissed him, again and again till Robert was reduced to a hiccuping mess. 

Intertwining their fingers together, Aaron pulled him towards the bedroom. 

There are a thousand things that can change on a person's body in six years, intricate details that weren't there before, things that are now gone. Right then, sitting next to each other on Robert's side of the bed, Aaron wanted to find out each and every change, notice and appreciate them till he had memorized Robert's body. Just like before.

So it wasn't a surprise when he made the first move, sliding up to Robert and playing with the bottom hem of his shirt while he kissed him slowly.

He was on top of him the next second, his weight stood on his elbows while Robert caressed his back. Hands slid up from his shoulder to his hair, digits tangled with his messy locks.

“Aaron, are you sure?”

He nodded, watching as Robert pulled his head down, connecting their lips. The man took his elbows and moved them from where they were holding his weight, letting his entire body lie on Robert's front. Then Robert spun them around to Aaron's side of the bed, him on top as his lips treaded on Aaron's lips, jaw, neck. 

With a chaste kiss on his cheek, Robert hauled himself up, his eye connected with Aaron while he took his shirt off. 

He's seen this earlier, part of him still couldn't believe that Robert, the man who prided himself with being as hairless as a newborn, now had a nice patch of chest hair, a trail of hair that goes down to his waistband and armpit hair. 

Aaron pushed himself up the bed too, his face coming in front of Robert's chest. “God Rob…” closing his eyes, Aaron's tongue flicked Robert's nipple, the man replying with a hum. 

He did it again, following his licks with nips of his teeth, making Robert grunt. 

“Aaron” His eyes shifted upwards to see Robert staring back at him, the same darkness in his eyes speaking something in the same language as Aaron's beating heart. 

• ~•

Robert was half asleep when he got out of the bathroom, carrying a wet folded up towel in his hand. 

The man jumped when the towel touched his skin. “A little warning would ya? It's cold!” 

He huffed a laugh, continuing wiping Robert down, first his face and arms, down to his torso, then his spent entrance where the evidence of their lovemaking was seeping out. 

“sorry I didn't have any condoms” 

Aaron smirked “it's alright” it's proof that Robert hadn't really met anyone.

When he got back from putting the towel away, Robert was already under the covers, lamp turned off with the only light source being the moonlight coming from the slight ajar of the window Robert always insisted on being there. 

The man didn't react when Aaron pressed his nose and lips on the back of his neck as he laid down next to him, expecting him to do so. 

“Still good then?” Aaron asked.

“Still good” 

Robert muttered something to him when he started feeling sleep taking him.

“Hmm?” he asked. 

“Miss you” 

“I missed you too Rob” 

~•~ 

The next time Aaron had time to check his phone was three weeks later, there were more messages than the last time he checked, there was a couple from Paddy, asking him if he's okay, and that his mum was worried. His mum sent a picture of Eve holding a drawing of him, classic guilt tripping tactics. Vinny sent him the month's report of the scrapyard and asked when he'd be back. Then there's Mack, ranting to him about being jump scared by Ross wearing a hockey mask.

It didn't even feel like he'd been there that long, it was kind of baffling to know that it's been almost a month since he came here. 

It didn't help that Robert and him sort of fell into routine. Robert continued his work on the news agent on weekdays while Aaron focused on recovering. They spent their weekends exploring London like tourists, visiting museums where Robert went full on nerd mode, pub hopping till they're stumbling their way home and even checking out the local music scene, given they're probably the oldest people there but they enjoyed themselves nonetheless.

It was exactly one month when Aaron breached the subject. 

“Thought we might get started on packing, might make it just in time for Halloween” the menu they had that night was Chinese, the one near Robert's stall where they always give them extra egg rolls. 

Robert cleared his throat.

“I mean I haven't had the flat cleaned out but figured we could both do that” He shoveled another forkful of noodles in his mouth.

“I…” 

“I might just buy that bike overall, then both of us could teach Harry how to ride one” There's no way Vic could refuse him now, not when Robert's there.

“Aaron” 

“Speaking of Christmas, I was thinking we could speak to Angela to-”

“Aaron!” 

“What?” Huffing a nervous laugh, he finally looked up from his plate to Robert.

An emotion he couldn't understand washed through Robert's face. His chewing slowed down till he looked like he might choke right then and there.

“Rob?” his hand reached out to grasp Robert's but the man avoided it. 

“I'm…” 

“You're what?” 

“I'm not coming home” Robert whispered, voice shaking, like he's ashamed to admit this.

“Well I'm not moving here” he joked, but Robert's deadpanned face proved it to be unfunny.

“I'm not asking you to” 

His stomach dropped, nausea climbing up his esophagus, making it hard to breathe. “I… I don't understand” 

“I'm staying here” Robert stood up and dumped his plate on the sink.

“Still?” 

The man slowly nodded, walking and slumping himself down the sofa. 

Aaron was confused, did he misjudge things? He thought they were going that way, that he's finally convinced Robert to come, clearly not.

“Rob…” he abandoned his dinner too, sitting beside the man on the sofa, he took a hold of Robert's hands, intertwining their fingers together. “I thought… doesn't this change things?” 

Robert only shook his head, not even looking at him when he talked. “And what is… this?” 

“Us!” 

“You're still married Aaron” 

He laughed incredulously. “I-is that why you don't wanna come back, cuz I'm still married? I filed for a divorce before I even came here?” 

“It's not that?” 

“What is it then? Rob… talk to me, please. Let me help you out” His hand reached out to grab Robert's shoulder, silently afraid that the man might shrug him off.

“I'm not good for you…” 

Aaron scoffed. “Not this again-” 

“I'm not even good for myself,” Robert continued. “At night… when you're asleep next to me, I wake up gasping for air… like I do most nights” he must've realised he was tearing up, cuz he used the tip of his fingers to tip his eyes. “And then you stir next to me… and I hate myself even more” 

“Robert” 

“There was this bloke the other day… asking about one of the mags in the stall. He looked a lot like someone inside. I just froze. I-I couldn't speak, the guy was even asking if I'm okay” Robert laughed. A broken sound that echoed around the room. He's never seen him like this. Robert's always been the strong one, he could hold Aaron for hours while he spewed every last one of his fears and doubts. 

When he tried to open his arms up to hold Robert, the man leaned back. “No, Aaron just… let me say this”

With a deep breath and a wipe of his eyes, Robert spoke again.

“If I stay here, you could come back and live your life again. Vic sounds happy with her son, and it would stay that way. 

If I come back, it's only a matter of time before I ruin both of your lives” 

“I know I will… even if I try not to, even if I don't want to, I'll just end up hurting you again and I can't bear that”

• ~•

What can you say after the person you cherish the most told you their biggest fear, you'd hold them of course, but Robert wouldn't let him do that. 

Part of Aaron wanted to kick himself for being so blind, for focusing on just being with Robert so much so that he didn't notice how broken the man was. 

“Rob… I get what you're saying. I do” he placed a glass of water in front of Robert. “You think if you come back, you'll mess up again and we'll throw you out but we won't. I won't” He reached out, surprised when Robert actually let him. 

Part of him understood that there will always be things that they could never tell each other, no matter how much they try. The other part of him felt it was unfair, Robert could get anything that's bothering Aaron out of him with one talk, he did it with Gordon, when he got out of prison, with Liv. Yet there they are, a screaming match and a sobbing match, but there's still a mountain of things that keeps Robert awake at night. Things that Aaron doesn't know how to make better. 

“I don't want you to hold on for someone so… messed up, someone not worth it”

“I already tried not doing that! Look how it turned out” he pointed at the scabbing wound on his forehead. 

“That's just a fluke, maybe next time don't go for a Sugden yeah?” Robert talked in a way that made it sound like both a suggestion and a dig. Aaron barely held himself from retaliating and making it worse. 

“Don’t change the subject… and don’t say you don’t need help cuz I know you do. Rob you were in prison for years, it’s normal to feel the way you d—  Robert where are you going?!” His hand fell down the sofa as the man stood up quickly, seemingly not interested in what he had to say anymore.  

“I’m going to bed, cuz clearly you’re not listening to me” The door slamming echoed through the room and made Aaron’s resolve a bit too fragile. 

His fists hammered at the door, turning the knob to no avail. “Robert! We’re not done talking about this!” There wasn’t any noise when he put his ear up next to the wood. “Rob… please, just talk to me” 

There was a sniffle from the inside, followed by the sound of the wardrobe being opened up, A muffled voice came through. “There’s nothing you can say that would change my mind Aaron” 

“Okay but let me in” Robert wasn’t the kind of bloke to turn into self harm but… the thought of him being in a locked room in that state made him panic. He wouldn’t be able to take it, seeing Robert do something harmful to himself the way he used to, and knowing it would be his fault because he pushed him. 

“Rob just… open the door will ya? You’re scarin’ me” bracing his elbows on his knees, Aaron sat with his back to the door, terrifying thoughts running rampant in his mind. “Robert?” 

“You shouldn't have come here Aaron” 

He recognized the sound of Robert pushing him away in a second, he'd never give in.

“The moment I found out you were out, I was practically packing my bags” he grinned.

“It was a mistake for us to do this” 

Aaron laughed. “This was the best month of my thirties”  

“Once you've recovered, cleared your head, you won't be wanting me back home” Does he think Aaron wants him only because he was unwell? as a rebound? 

“I'll always want you back home Rob… you're the love of my life” he knocked backwards on the door. “Please let me in” 

Footsteps were heard at the door and Aaron thought he might finally get in when a bunch of noises followed it. The sound of glass breaking, He’s pounding on the door again, screaming Robert’s name. Following it was the shredding of clothes and muffled growls, Aaron was seconds away from kicking the door open, the same pounding on his chest going louder and louder. 

His feet lost balance, tumbling forward and barely catching himself when the door opened abruptly. Turning around, he saw Robert at the back of the door, eyes dark and filled with tears. “Just give up Aaron” 

No chance. Aaron shook his head. 

Robert looked like he might say something more but abandoned the idea, instead walking towards his nightstand. 

He crouched down, grabbing a key from the top drawer and opening the bottom one.

“What’re you doing?” 

“Saving you some time” A small black box bounced on the bed. Aaron’s heart dropped to his stomach.

“W-what’s that?” 

Robert picked it up, opened it and shoved it in his face. “This?! This is a wedding ring Aaron” 

“You’re married?!” 

Robert nodded. B-but he said he hadn't met anyone, did he lie? It was like the pounding in his chest became a squeezing force instead, tightening the grip on his heart bit by bit.

“You said you haven't met anyone”

“Not since I got out” 

Anger pumped through his head, urging him to tear everything apart, including himself. 

“So when you kissed me… when we slept together, this whole month, what was I to you?” He can't believe it, here he was again being one of Robert's bit on the side. He didn't know how to feel. Sadness and betrayal fighting the anger and blame.

Robert looked down, not saying anything.

With gritted teeth he asked “Who was it then?” 

“A bloke from the inside” 

Aaron winced, the part of him that thought the only man Robert would ever marry was him breaking. “and you loved him?” 

“I love him” Robert always avoided his eyes when he was saying something shifty, but this… he meant it, Aaron looked for any sign in his face, doubt, uncertainty. There's nothing. All this time, nights spent holding each other. He's been in love with someone else?

That's why he didn't want to come home.

Because he didn't want Aaron anymore.

Something inside him collapsed. 

He nodded slowly, not bothering to look at Robert's face, afraid of what he might do to him if he did. “Do you love him more than me?” 

“No” 

He nodded, then started gathering his things. Bits and pieces he left on Robert’s flat, like his watch that’s on the second drawer of Robert’s nightstand, his hoodie on the sofa, a load of clothes in the dryer. All of the things in there that made it feel a little bit like home for him.

But this wasn’t his home, neither was it Robert’s but… 

Robert was still sitting on the bed when he got the last of his things, both of them not saying anything— looking at anyone. 

It’s still only six, if Aaron left right now he’d still make it home before midnight. 

Home. 

Where was home for him? The pub? The mill? 

Robert? 

There was one last look shared between them. Robert held his gaze while he zipped up his bag. Tell me not to go, make me stay

But he only looked away. 

“For what It’s worth, I meant everything I said” 

Before walking out, he realised there were no tears in his eyes. 

He can forgive Robert for this, for everything. He just hoped Robert could forgive himself too. 

~•~

The thing about Emmerdale is that it’s always beautiful, no matter what time of day it is. There was enough vegetation around the area for it to never be that hot, crickets that will replace the static in your ear in the quiet of night. 

It was exactly ten PM when he reached the village. It wasn’t exactly too late, he could guarantee that there’s still a couple of punters in the pub even with the kitchen closed. 

As he neared the pub, his mum’s nagging voice was already echoing in his head, ‘See? What have I told you?’ ‘I’m right’ no matter how many unsolicited opinions she gives about Aaron’s life, sometimes she gets it right. He missed her, Eve, Paddy too. 

“Aaron?” He whipped his head to see Vic over the road. She looked like she was about to head to bed, pajamas already on. “Haven’t seen you in a while, is everything okay?” 

Aaron cleared his throat, questioning himself on whether he should tell Vic or not. “Yeah, I just needed to get away for a bit” 

“Wish we could all do that” Vic looked aside, tightening the tie on her robe. “I was worried about ya, people have been talking” 

“About what?” 

“Heard someone in the cafe saying you’ve eloped with John” 

He winced in disgust, remembering another problem he hadn’t thought of in a while. Mind so occupied with him and Robert that he forgot his actual husband. “I wasn’t” 

“They were talking about me too” He noticed Vic look down, kicking one of the rocks near her feet. 

“What did they say?” 

A little bead of tear formed on Victoria’s left eye. “Cain’s got this idea that I knew about… John. Moira doesn’t think so but I can still feel him suspecting me, the village too, even Harry got flamed at school” 

“Vic I’m so sorry” Aaron felt so selfish, he was always immune to what people’s got to say about him, he didn’t think they’d shift the blame with him not here. 

“No, don't be silly. I just… I really needed you here” Vic and Mack were the only people who could understand this whole John situation yet he left them here. 

“I’m here now, better set their stories straight, yeah?” His hand clasped Vic’s shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. 

They were both sniffling and teary eyed when they pulled back. “D’you want a Nightcap? I could go for a drink” 

“Just let me put a monitor in Harry’s room and I’ll catch up” Vic nodded before turning to the house. 

“Aaron?!” His mum rushed to round the bar and held him as tight as she could. 

“Still alive then?” Aaron turned to find Mack, not quite hammered but nearly there. 

“And you look like you’re not” He huffed a laugh. 

“Where have you been?!” Chas padded his shoulders and side, then tilted his head to see if he’s got any injuries.

“You knew where I was”

“No, I knew what you were doing, not where you were! For all I knew, you could be halfway through Asia!” 

Mack pulled a seat next to him at the bar, he gestured to his mum for a pint and she rounded the bar up again. “So… where did you go?”

He sipped his pint, knowing his mum was listening in. “London” anticipating the incoming interrogation, Aaron quietly wished he'd gone through the back.

But the incessant questions didn't come, he looked up from his pint to see both his mum and Mackenzie looking at him. “Luv?” 

“Yeah?” 

“How was he?” 

Aaron definitely didn't expect his mum to ask that, he half thought she was winding him up but she seemed genuinely curious.

“He's…” he's what? Cuz Robert definitely wasn't alright. He acted like he was, like he's not living in a one room flat on the shady side of London, with exactly two sets of utensils and cheap bags of tea. 

“You were right mum” Robert was different. 

“Oh” His mum said, not sounding satisfied with his answer.

“Right about what?” Mack asked. 

“Yeah right about what?” Victoria sat down next to him, both his mum and Mackenzie acting too suspicious.

“About the changes in the place in Dublin” he answered.

“Good or bad changes?” Mack asked. 

A gentle shake of his head told both of them what they needed to know.

“Are you gonna visit again?” His mum asked. 

“No” he placed a heavy arm on Mack and Vic's shoulders. “I'm staying here” 

~•~

He went back to the flat the next day, despite the insistence of his mum to stay at the pub longer, but he's never liked living with his mum and her partner. 

Mack and Vic seemed happy enough to help him haul every single one of John's things and throw all of them to the dumpster.

There weren't any decorations for Halloween in the flat, but he still gave out sweets to kids who knocked, Eve dressed as a princess while Harry dressed up as a ghost (Vic said she was busy with the farm and forgot to pick up the costume Harry wanted) Aaron gave him ten sweets for it.

Vinny didn't like him going on a month-long vacation without notice but he understood. He understood mainly because he's scared of Aaron but still. 

It was three days back from working that he realised that they're both single now, him and Vinny. It was nice, not that it was nice that Vinny’s marriage ended too, it's just that it reminded him of when Adam and he first started the scrapyard.

He thought of what Robert does for work. He sits there, reading the news all day, barely looking up to the customers. Alone.

• ~•

Is it awkward to decorate your place for Christmas when you're living on your own? 

Is what Aaron googled a week before December. It's not like he's always on his own at the flat, Mack pops by every now and then. His mum and Eve will like it if he puts the tree up. So he spent an entire evening decorating the place, pulling that tree from under his bed was a challenge. 

When business was slow at the scrapyard, Aaron would help Vic out on the farm, just to help put up fences and round sheep. If Vic wanted him knee deep in cow's muck then she'd have to offer more than dinner. 

Speaking of dinner, it was like Mandy, Vic, His mum and Mack all had coordinated a rotation in which Aaron would have dinner at their place. It was nice in the sense that he doesn't have to cook tea but it all felt like they were obligated to do it. 

He thinks of what Robert eats for dinner, does he go to that takeaway place? Or does he microwave noodles and eat with one of the two sets of utensils he had? Alone.

~•~

Fighting away other people with a shopping phobia that waits till the last minute to buy presents isn't what Aaron imagined he'd do with his night. 

Every time he got reminded to buy presents he just procrastinated till it ended up in this, elbowing his way through a crowd in front of a department store in Hotten. 

The list was crinkled when he pulled it out of his pocket to check.

A giraffe stuffed toy for Eve. 

Matching gardening gloves for his mum and Liam

A hat for Paddy.

A scooter for Harry (that wasn't as dangerous as a bike right? He'd just persuade Vic)

Two six-packs for him.

It took two hours and nearly getting another gbh charge for him to finally complete the list. He was just heading to the register when he saw an ugly Christmas sweater on a mannequin. 

Aaron sneaked chaste glances at the sweater on the way home. Why did he even buy it? He’s never gonna give it to Robert. 

His mum and Liam arranged dinner at the pub, and since Caleb and Ruby’s kids were currently away, they decided to come. Vic was reluctant, but Aaron convinced her by reminding her he doesn’t have to cook. Plus, she’s family. 

When they were just about to serve dessert, Aaron excused himself outside. It was nice, spending the day with family, he just couldn’t shake this unsettling feeling in his chest. He pulled his phone out and paused. He didn’t know Robert’s phone number. They barely used gadgets when they were together and Aaron left his phone in the car the whole month. 

He wanted to ask how Robert was doing, how he’s spending Christmas. Sighing, he pocketed his phone. 

• ~•

After lighting a whole box of fireworks by himself, he decided to have an early night, have a productive start to the year since he’s driving his mum down Wethersfield. When he said early night he meant downing three cans and passing out on his sofa. 

He woke up to a skull-splitting headache, the kind you'd get by drinking a whole bottle of tequila in an empty stomach. He never got hangovers like this. His brain tried telling his feet to move and get some medicine in the bathroom but it just wouldn't cooperate. 

There was a shadowy figure looming over him when he rubbed the sleep off of his eyes. 

“Aaron” 

He knew exactly who it was.

John.

It may have been the lack of oxygen, or the massive headache, but the next thing he remembered was being tied up by the railings. 

John's seriously lost it, or maybe he's always been like this and Aaron's been blind to it.

H-he could still spin this… if he just tell John everything he wants to hear, he could find an opening.

“Please John, jus-just let me go and I'll come with ya” 

He watched as the cracks started appearing in John's resolve. 

Red irritated lines appeared on his skin when John untied him. 

“Pack your bags” 

“W-where are we going?”  He rubbed at the skin.

“France” 

He found the perfect opportunity when John was loading up the car, Aaron kneed his side and pushed him to the ground, grabbing the shotgun and pointing it to him. 

“Get in” 

~

Aaron’s not sure if he’s even alive. He could still feel the blood pooling in his head for being suspended upside down, that’s a plus. Is John alive? He whipped a hand in John's direction to find him there, unmoving. 

“John!” 

There was no reply. He tried to control his breathing, pain exploding in his side, something pressing there and obstructing his breathing. He’s gonna die here. Inside of a capsized car beside his ex-husband. 

He’ll never get to see Robert again, Aaron wished he never came home, wished he stayed a little bit longer, maybe he’d have convinced him to come if he did. 

Then he heard people screaming nearby. 

“Help” 

~•~

The doctors said he had two broken ribs on his left side and a concussion which will prevent him from using any screens or reading for almost a week.

And yeah, John is dead. He was found deep in the woods with a syringe of mysterious drugs plunged in his neck. It was weird, John was in the car with him the last time he remembered but how did he die in the woods?

Does he really care? 

His mum kept asking how he's been feeling about it, Aaron just shrugged it off like it was no big deal, but the truth is… he doesn't know. He should be feeling guilty that he couldn't bring John to the police, give the people he wronged justice.

Vic came to visit, looking fifteen times more shifty than normal, but he was so drugged up and dizzy from the concussion that he couldn't ask about it.

His eyes also kept darting at the door, although he didn't know why. 

• ~•

So much for starting the year productively, two days in and he's already back living with his mum. Cramped in a room that was half his and half a stock closet.

Aaron was sitting in the bed when it finally dawned on him. He's free. John is gone and he is free.

Free to what? To have fun? To live alone? To go out on the pull?

He sighed. Too old, too sick and too in love with someone to pull.

Rushing downstairs for a drink, he bumped into his mum. “Alright?” 

“Need a drink” he grumbled and stepped back when his mum pressed a finger on his chest. “No no, the doctors said you can't” 

“Mum I'm alri-” 

“BOB!” His mum yelled to the pub. “Do NOT serve Aaron any alcohol alright?”

“I'll just get a lemonade then shall I?” 

“Alright” his mum smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

Mack and Vic were already there when he sat down, which makes sense, it being half past 5 and a farmer’s only reprieve is the cold touch of a pint. 

“No alcohol for you” bob slid a lemonade in his direction.

“Still underage is he?” Mack teased.

“Or pregnant,” Vic added.

Aaron glared at the both of them. “Can’t wait for this to be over” Sipping his lemonade with too much sugar in it. 

Then Eve came out to spend some time with Paddy and Mandy.

“Hi Sharon” Eve called out, hiding behind her pony while giggling at the nickname. “Hello Steve” He ruffled her hair and went back to his seat at the bar. 

“You okay luv?” His mum asked, Aaron didn’t even realize that the shifts change.

“Would be better with a pint…” He tried sliding the one in front of Mack to his side.

The glass was pulled from his hands and was replaced by one filled with lemonade. “It’s just a week! Then you can have all the pints you want” 

As the night went on, a couple more punters came in. Ruby and Caleb sliding next to them on the bar, Moira deciding to have dinner at the pub instead of cooking, Nichola, (who is still a bit salty from when Aaron went off at her months ago) and Jimmy having pints. He looked over to Mack to find her chatting with Vic when Matty came in with Harry.

Aaron felt like such a loser earlier, thinking his life was stunted because of what happened last year but now, surrounded by people he loves, in a place he loves. He realised that it’s not the wide plains of greenery, or the freshest air in the north that makes Emmerdale beautiful, it’s the people, cuz no matter how many Johns that try to ruin people’s happiness in the village, there’s always enough love around to be celebrated.

Everyone’s head whipped to the sound of the door slamming open. The blood drained from his mum’s face. 

Victoria gasped.

“It cuts off” Aaron’s stomach drops in a combination of shock and a newfound anticipation. His head turned so fast he forgot about the concussion and got dizzy. 

Robert looked rough, the clothes he wore to work soaked with sweat. His hair flying off into five different directions, eyes bloodshot and brimming with tears with bags three shades darker than when he last saw them. They were also looking directly at his’. 

“It says here” Robert’s hands shook as he lifted the crumpled piece of paper close to his face. “A c-country road in W-west Yorkshire was thrown into c-chaos when a wanted criminal John S-sugden took a hostage resulting into a car pile-up that claimed the lives of two people” He looked up at Aaron and a defeated look of relief crossed his face, more tears spilling out “It just cuts off there” 

Robert must’ve thought he died. Did he rush here all the way from London? 

There were more murmurs in the background, Ruby and Caleb looking absolutely perplexed. Nichola gasping even louder than Vic. Paddy looked like he just saw someone come back from the dead. 

He was about to tell the man to come closer when Robert rushed to him, not wasting any second before he held Aaron as tight as he could. Like he was checking if it's not true. 

“You scared me, you git!” Robert’s hand took more of his shirt from the back as he sobbed to his chest. 

“I’m alrigh— Christ did you run here?” The man was soaked in sweat, even through his jumper. 

Robert pulled himself away, wiped his eyes with his sleeves. “I’m stupid” his shaking hand grabbing Aaron’s. 

Aaron wanted to laugh, brushing the hair out of Robert’s forehead. “You are” 

“N-no Aaron. I’m stupid and cocky and selfish and I ruined everything cuz I thought I knew what’s best for ya even though you should decide that. 

I married someone inside for protection, because I spent more time in the infirmary than I did in my own cell, and I ended it because I couldn’t endure the thought of being with someone other than you.

I didn’t come home after I got out cuz I didn’t want to be selfish anymore, and I didn’t want to ruin your chance at being happy, even if it’s without me. 

You came crashing back into my life when I had nothing, and even if it’s just a short while… it felt like I had everything again, because I had you. And I pushed you away because there’s too many things between us that are too painful to say. 

Like that I’m broken, that it hurts to look at myself in the mirror, that I’ve never been happier than I was when I was with you, that I only ever get sleep whenever you’re beside me, that I love you and I hate myself, that I think I’ll never get better and I’m scared that I’ll hurt you again because of it.

B-but if you say you still love me, even after all that, all this time. I’m still the love of your life like you’ll always be mine? Then I don’t want to waste anymore time when I know I could spend every single second loving you again” 

Robert’s hands shook like he’s just built an entire house, his facial hair uneven and unkempt, there’s wrinkles in his face that he’s never seen until now. But it’s still him. He’s still the man who assured him everything would be alright even though his world was ending, still the one who smiled down on him as he fed his son a bottle, the one who consoled his sister as he watched from inside the house. It’s Robert. His Robert. 

“Aaron? Say something?” 

“Rob…” He held their hands tighter, lifting them to wipe Robert’s tears away. “Welcome home” 

He didn’t give Robert time to laugh or smile, pressing their lips together, not miles apart and not miles away, but here. 

Home.