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"And another thing," says Shen Yuan. There's slightly too long a pause as he nearly forgets what the other thing is. The gummies from earlier are definitely starting to hit.
"You've been saying that for the past half hour," Xiang Fei groans, melting further into his ratty old couch. His ankle bumps against Shen Yuan's as he slides into an impressive demonstration of poor posture.
"No, no, dude, there's. Shit, what was it. Oh, right. This chapter is just such a mess, there's so much to get through."
"Yeah, yeah," Airplane mutters, throwing one skinny arm across his face.
"69ing!"
The arm slides up, tousling Xiang Fei's hair. "What about it?"
"That's not, like. Like. That's not a real thing people do."
"What."
"I mean like, who is even doing that. That's so much, so much... effort, first of all, and the position probably isn't even possible unless you're a gymnast or something, and there's no way it feels good..."
Warming to his subject, Shen Yuan gestures vaguely, hands attempting to form the shape of Luo Binghe and the latest wife's absurd position. (Her name is unclear, because Xiang Fei has gotten it wrong at least three times in this draft.)
"I can literally show you hundreds of videos that disprove this, bro."
Xiang Fei picks up his discarded laptop and pulls up a proliferation of tabs ("research," he says to Shen Yuan's judgmental look). Naughty schoolgirl 69 with teacher, one title proclaims. MILF and poolboy 69 cumshots and big boobs 1 hour!!! is splashed across the next tab.
"Porn is all fake," Shen Yuan declares with absolute certainty, turning away from the MILF's exaggerated moaning as the poolboy pretends to lick her and she does something to his... you know... that is likely far from pleasurable.
"Dude, I'm not sure you understand what that phrase means."
"Even if they can get their faces, yknow, in there, there's no way it's actually effective! Bodies just don't do that!"
"You are so vanilla it terrifies me. I think they made you in a cardboard factory. Your DNA is 90% sourced from the guy who made the, the anti jerking off cereal. Cornflakes guy. What's his name."
"Kellogg," Shen Yuan says before Xiang Fei's miserable English can butcher it.
"Yeah, him!"
Making an incomprehensible noise of frustration, Shen Yuan snatches the laptop and slams it shut, moans and slick noises going blessedly silent as he tosses it to the other side of the couch. He'll show this idiot.
Xiang Fei squawks as Shen Yuan grabs his waist and lifts him up from his slouch, grunting with the effort. Everything is kinda soft-focus like an artsy movie, which makes it a little hard for Shen Yuan to get his own limbs to cooperate, but he manages to slide his much taller frame underneath and coax Xiang Fei onto all fours.
"Are you serious?"
"Look, we're totally different heights so there's no way it'll work. Just like Bing-ge and that girl you keep forgetting the name of."
"No way what will work? Cucumber-bro. Hey. Hey!"
Eyes narrowed in concentration, Shen Yuan grabs Xiang Fei's waist again and tugs his hips down until they're hovering over his own face. "Now try to, you know. As if you were gonna—"
"You can't even talk about it. My god, they should study you in a lab."
Rolling his eyes (despite the fact that Xiang Fei's ass is in the way of him actually being able to see that at the moment), Shen Yuan reaches over to the table for a discarded water bottle and plops it into his lap. "Pretend you're gonna suck the water bottle."
"I'm disappointed you didn't bother to go get a cucumber."
"As if there's a single vegetable in your apartment, Airplane, be serious."
"The amount of cucumbers in yours is just concerning, dude."
"I like cucumber salad, I told you! It's why I chose the stupid screen name in the first place!"
"Oh yeah, whatever you say, Peerless Cucumber. You had no idea it was a dick joke, Peerless Cucumber."
"Oh, I know you are not gonna try that one with me, Mr. All The Other Names Were Taken So I Thought I'd Just Use My Real Government Name As A Jerkoff Reference."
"Oh, you want jerking off, huh?" There follows a series of horrible plastic crackling sounds as Xiang Fei, presumably, mutilates the water bottle currently standing in for Shen Yuan's manhood.
Shen Yuan yanks his hips down, accidentally using a little too much force. His teeth clack together and his nose bumps up against the seam of Xiang Fei's sweatpants, his mouth pressing perilously close to his bro's crotch.
"Whoa, whoa, isn't this a little too intimate, Cucumber-bro?" There's a nervous edge to Xiang Fei's voice. Probably the edibles are making him all paranoid. Dumbass.
"Oh calm down, we have clothes on and we're both men, what would I even be trying to do?" Shen Yuan whacks Xiang Fei's thigh, conveniently close at hand. "Anyway, it's not like you're hard or anything."
"No shit," Xiang Fei mutters.
"Wow, okay, I know we're both straight men, but you don't have to sound that disgusted at the thought of being attracted to me. I'm not bad to look at, you know." He gets a better grip on Xiang Fei's waist—still far too thin, he's going to need to get this boy eating better!—and adjusts his position a little. "Hang on, just let me—so if I do this..."
He tugs Xiang Fei closer and presses his closed mouth to where he approximates the... relevant parts would be on a woman. Mouth still on Xiang Fei's sweatpants, he says, muffled, "So if I'm Bing-ge and you're the girl, okay, now move your hips a little—see, how would that even feel good? How would he get in there? Tongues aren't even that long."
Something is starting to feel off, even to his currently-baked brain. He should feel something through the fabric, right? Where's...
"Where's your fuckin'. Your. Airplane," he blurts out.
"Do I look like I can afford bottom surgery?" Xiang Fei snaps, then chokes as if he hadn't meant to say that.
"Huh? I mean, it was obvious you wanted a big dick from, y'know, everything, but surely yours can't be that small?"
"I don't have one," Xiang Fei says slowly, as if Shen Yuan is an idiot.
"The edibles must really be strong, 'cause I'm hearing things."
"No, you're just stupid. I can't even afford top surgery or hormones. Or like, the plane ticket to go get top surgery."
"...What?"
"Oh my god."
Xiang Fei gets off him, nearly brains himself on the coffee table, then manages to strip his sweatshirt and t-shirt, tossing them aside.
"What am I supposed to be seeing?" Shen Yuan frowns. It just looks like a flabby chest.
"Boobs, dude." Xiang Fei grabs his chest and squishes it together. "I know I have flatties, but like, they're not that flat."
The pale flesh bounces back into shape, and it still pretty much just looks like weird fat distribution. Shen Yuan frowns, brain starting to overheat from all the thinking he's having to do. "So you like, want to be a woman...?"
"Other direction. Try again." At Shen Yuan's still-vacant look, Xiang Fei rolls his eyes and does something at his waist and oh, his pants are down around his hips.
Okay, yeah, that is. That's not a dick! There is no airplane to shoot!
Xiang Fei's face is flushed blotchy red as he hastily pulls his pants back up. "There. So like, you can leave if you're uncomfortable or whatever. You know where the door is."
"Why would I be uncomfortable? You're still my bro, right?" Shen Yuan's brain is soup, but even the soup knows that. "Wait, do you think I'm homophobic or something?"
"Oh my god," Xiang Fei mumbles under his breath, pulling his shirt back on.
"So you don't want me to change what I call you or anything."
"No. Uh—you're really fine with this?"
"S'great, actually." Shen Yuan is thinking about the 69 Conundrum again. At Xiang Fei's blank look, he elaborates, "It's supposed to be easier if you've got one... y'know... and one, y'know, right? And it's the same... genital configuration... as Bing-ge and that wife. So it's even easier for me to prove you wrong, and we don't even have to worry about you getting hard. From, from the stimulation. Or whatever. I don't know, I dunno how sensitive you are. Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Xiang Fei starts laughing, first a hysterical little giggle and then all-out braying laughter that leaves him breathless. His already pretty and youthful face looks even softer and more beautiful with an expression like that. It's a good thing he has a good brother like Shen Yuan to protect him, because women would try to take advantage of him in droves if they saw such an expression!
His laughter is infectious, of course, because everything is hilarious right now anyway, so Shen Yuan laughs himself hoarse too. He laughs even harder when Xiang Fei returns from the kitchen with a sad excuse for a cucumber, which he grudgingly admits he had bought for Shen Yuan to have as a snack and then smacks Shen Yuan for making fun of his kindness.
"Can you even get that in your mouth?" Shen Yuan gasps out between giggles.
Without breaking eye contact, Xiang Fei shoves the whole thing in, the end of the cucumber nearly disappearing past his lips, and then pulls it out with a wet smack.
Whoa.
Shen Yuan shifts a little, crossing his legs over each other.
He's probably being some kind of phobic right now and he's too stoned to remember which one. It's just that it had been impressive, and his dick is kind of tingling a little at the image of someone doing that to him.
"Come up here," he says. His voice only cracks a little.
Xiang Fei positions the cucumber in a very realistic location, that is to say, right at the base of Shen Yuan's actual dick, and he has a feeling he's gonna have a problem in a few minutes, but he is a little distracted by the way Airplane's ass jiggles as he positions himself over his face. Have his sweatpants always been this thin? There's a hole in them that's startlingly near the crotch.
Xiang Fei lifts his hips, giving Shen Yuan a perfect view as he tucks his hair behind his ear and presses his mouth to the cucumber. His hand is in a loose fist at the base of it, his index finger holding it steady, so his mouth won't actually touch Shen Yuan. Shen Yuan is definitely not disappointed about that.
Right, he's supposed to be doing something. There's no reason that grabbing Xiang Fei's hips now is any different than when he grabbed them ten minutes ago, because Xiang Fei is still a straight man and still his bro. Shen Yuan, despite having never encountered a transgender person before, has read up, okay, even if he can't remember most of it right now. He's pretty sure a friend of one of his sister's friends is transgender. Or maybe they're a gay man who likes crossdressing? He can't remember.
Xiang Fei rocks his hips, exaggeratedly, like he's trying to break Shen Yuan's nose. Scowling, Shen Yuan scoots him up so his mouth is positioned where it should go. Instinct leads him to stick his tongue out, like he does every time Xiang Fei covers his mouth with a hand, like he's done with his big brothers since he was little. It's an Ingrained Didi Response, okay, it's muscle memory. That's why he licks a long stripe over the crotch of Xiang Fei's threadbare sweats.
There's a wet noise from below him, then a cough. Shen Yuan ducks down, panicking, and sees Xiang Fei hurriedly pulling off the cucumber, cheeks bright red and tears starting to form in his eyes. A string of spit glistens in the air, then slowly breaks, dripping down onto the front of Shen Yuan's jeans.
He puts it back in his mouth, seemingly undeterred. His cheeks hollow out in a manner Shen Yuan would almost describe as expert, and he nudges at Shen Yuan with his free hand, a nonverbal I'm fine. Shrugging, Shen Yuan readjusts—his bro can choke himself if he wants to, if he really wants to prove this that badly—and starts trying to figure out the mechanics of how this would work. Xiang Fei's hips twitch, seemingly involuntarily, and he pushes them back into Shen Yuan's face, grinding against him. It should be gross, but something about the scent of him, old sweat and musk from a full day of wearing these sweats, is kinda... appealing. Probably just the novelty. Or something about pheromones. Or—
Xiang Fei honest-to-god moans. Shen Yuan's jeans, already a little loose, are starting to ride lower and lower, the fly rubbing uncomfortably against him as Xiang Fei's hand presses down. It feels like the noise vibrates through his whole body.
His hands slip, and Xiang Fei's sweatpants ride lower, too, his palms touching bare flesh. His thumb brushes coarse hair, hair that he saw like twenty minutes ago and yeah, of course he's still thinking about it, he's never—seen one before. Xiang Fei shivers, his hips jerking, and licks a stripe from the base to the tip of the cucumber, and Shen Yuan doesn't know which of them moves first but somehow his fly is down and Xiang Fei's sweatpants are, too, and his hips buck as Xiang Fei's perpetually cold hands take hold of him and pull him out of his underwear.
Shen Yuan hadn't really gotten a good look at it before. He'd mostly just seen a thatch of dark hair covering all of it and the complete absence of, uh, an earthly pillar. It's still hard to get a good look at it—he's kind of going cross-eyed— but it's pink, and when he tugs at Xiang Fei's legs to spread it open wider it twitches and a little thread of precum connects the two puffy lips.
He'd still be staring at it if he hadn't suddenly felt warmth enveloping him below the waist. He yelps, back reflexively arching and head tossing, and gets a faceful of Xiang Fei, his nose smearing in the wetness. He can't hold back his moan, but that just seems to spur Xiang Fei on more, and before he knows it he's half-smothered and trying his best to keep up with the onslaught of sensation.
"How are you," he pants, "so good at this—ugh!"
Xiang Fei swirls his tongue in a way that feels absolutely filthy and pulls off with a pop. "Just 'cause I don't get any doesn't mean I don't have a lot of practice—ohfuck, right there, there, fuck!!"
Shen Yuan messily licks at the spot that Xiang Fei seems to like so much, and then, feeling bold, sucks instead. Xiang Fei's hips come down so hard his nose hurts from the impact, and he moans around Shen Yuan's tip, trying to say something even with his mouth stuffed full.
"You're far from the biggest I've taken," Xiang Fei says conversationally when he next comes up for air. Shen Yuan himself is getting pleasantly lightheaded, his nostrils full of musky, salty scent, little hairs tickling them when he moves. "You said it yourself, bro, I like big cocks. A lot. I could fuck you with one sometime, see how you like it. I bet you'd be a screamer."
"Shut up," Shen Yuan pants. His jaw is getting sore, but if this asshole gets him off first he'll never hear the end of it. He's close, especially with whatever the hell Airplane is doing to his balls right now.
He redoubles his efforts, licking and sucking clumsily at anything in front of him and trying his best to figure out what makes Airplane squirm. It's not that much different than teasing him normally, actually. He's never been good at hiding his reactions. Always so easy to bully.
In the end, Xiang Fei wins anyway. He does something horrible and wonderful with his tongue and then takes him all the way to the base and Shen Yuan is lost, coming down his throat as Xiang Fei actually swallows him down and only gags a little. Xiang Fei is really wet, which is probably good but also means that Shen Yuan's whole face is all slippery and it's hard to keep him where he wants him, and he keeps twitching and clenching, which is probably also good. He's saying something, but Shen Yuan's ears are ringing too hard to hear it.
Frowning, Shen Yuan wrangles his too-heavy limbs and manages to stick a finger at the top of Xiang Fei's crotch, presumably where the clit is (unless that's not the little nub he occasionally manages to swipe his tongue over), and his other hand presses inside the little hole he's managed to soften up. He hasn't been able to really get his tongue in there, so he's mostly just been slobbering ineffectively all over everything. Which is annoying, but also proves his point, but also he doesn't want to blue-ball his bro (despite said bro not actually having, yknow, balls).
Xiang Fei's legs don't seem to be able to hold him up properly, and he half-collapses onto Shen Yuan's face as Shen Yuan stubbornly tries to get his fingers deeper and then to thrust them. This is a lot of coordination for a brain as baked as his currently is. His tongue is trying to get in on the action, but he's lost track of where it even is (or if it's even his anymore).
And then he's coughing and sputtering as something gushes all over his face.
Xiang Fei doesn't let him take his hand out. He's grinding back on it and clenching so hard that Shen Yuan genuinely feels like he's gonna lose two fingers today. Another splash hits his chin—it tastes like him, not bad at all, actually. A little of it almost gets in his eye.
"I told you to stop," Xiang Fei pants, sounding completely winded. "Dude, the couch. Oh my god. It's totally ruined."
He clambers off Shen Yuan on unsteady legs, sways, and falls on his ass onto the coffee table, smearing more mess all over the glass. Shen Yuan tries to sit up, lightheaded, and finds that the ends of his hair are dripping onto his t-shirt.
"You win, are you happy? I'm more of a quickshot than you, okay, whatever, that was totally cheating, how many times have you—"
"Dude. I came first," Xiang Fei cuts him off, staring at him like he's an idiot. His face is bright red, his cheeks tearstained, and a little dribble of white is leaking out the corner of his mouth. "And then I told you to stop, and you ignored me, and then you made me squirt all over your face. Congratulations, by the way, that usually takes me way more effort."
"You... what? Huh?" Shen Yuan is starting to feel really, really sleepy. So sleepy that the fact that his whole face is drenched is kinda starting to not matter at all, actually. He slips further into the wet spot on the couch.
"I do win, though, because that absolutely worked. You made me come twice. And squirt, just like whatshername does."
"Squirting's not real," Shen Yuan says faintly, staring at his own soaked, pruney fingers.
"Okay, I'll admit that sometimes in porn they just pee and they're not actually coming. But did that feel like pee to you?"
"Hn," Shen Yuan says. His head is so heavy. "C'mere. I'm cold."
"Are you seriously falling asleep right now? Oh my god. I'm never letting you have edibles again. And you better prepare your ass, because I was not kidding about how big my biggest cock is."
Shen Yuan's "little Shen Yuan" gives a weak twitch of interest.
Just before he falls asleep, he mumbles, "This doesn't mean you win. More testing... we gotta..."
"Yeah, sure." Warm arms fold around him. "As much as you want."