Chapter Text
Apparently, this is supposed to help. Or so said the shrink after one of my many governments required post-mission debriefs. I can’t recall which post-op session it was when she suggested it. Sometime after Spain and Harvardville, but before China I’m pretty sure.
I always thought the idea was pretty fuckin stupid, but I’ve run out of options -- so here we are.
I don’t even want to think about half the shit I had seen, let alone talk about it to some fucking stranger in a dull, beige room. Never-fucking-mind writing it down. I had balked at the suggestion, obviously.
“I’m not really the ‘Dear Diary’ type Doc, ya know?” I told her.
At the time, I sort of thought that good ol’ Dr Steinberg had maybe -- just maybe - finally had enough of my shit. Since I rarely used the time to do much else but ignore her questions and make some kind of inappropriate joke instead.
Or a string of them.
‘Deflecting’ - she called it.
“Why don’t you try writing it down?” She had said. A thick Jewish woman in her mid-fifties wearing a pair of thin rimmed frames. Franny, really didn’t give into any of my attempts to make light of the clear mounting trauma I kept returning with. She would call me on it, push for clarity, but eventually gave up trying to get me to take the sessions seriously.
So, she suggested writing it down.
“You can’t hold it in, Leon. It’ll keep popping back up. And keep building” She would say. “Write it down, burn it. Save it in a box. Leave it in your will for the people you hope might understand you better when you’re gone. Do whatever you need to do, or you think is best. But I promise you, if you don’t get some of these feelings out and experiences off your chest – they will bury you one day.”
I mean, I did have a method. Although, I don’t think alcohol was what she meant.
But hey, it worked ----- most of the time.
“Bold of you to assume I have feelings, Franny.“
“Nothing really to report. Basic mission. Go. Shoot. Kill what's already dead. Come back. Same ol’, same ol’’
She rolled her eyes. “Mmhm. And how have you been sleeping?”
She knew the answer to that already.
The sleeping issues and nightmares were one of the few things I had opened up to Franny about in the past when I decided I might try some type of sleeping medication while off mission.
Gave them up pretty quickly after finding out the hard way that they made for a pretty shit combo with my other self-medicating tendencies.
Turns out Trazadone and the right amount of whiskey was a one-way ticket to Black-Outsville for this guy. And apparently, I didn’t always go right to sleep.
After the second or third time being asked to explain what in the actual fuck I had been talking about over the phone the previous night. And not having a hot fucking clue what they meant or what I could have said. I decided I should probably stick to one medication at a time - and the whiskey was kinda my only real friend at the time.
I figured it was probably for the best before my mouth, and Black Out Leon told people things that sober Leon couldn’t take back. Sleep be damned.
Hell. For all I know, he had already said too much.
Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past her to sit on that kind of information either. Sounds like something she would do...
I pause before I answer Franny, though I can feel my jaw tense involuntarily. She notices. Of course.
“Best ever. Really. No issues.”
She sighs.
She can see the bags under my eyes. The way the drab room makes me almost doze off Every. Fucking. Time.
She’s not a dummy.
“Look, Leon. You can lie to me if you want to, I really can’t make you talk to me. But it will catch up with you if you don’t address it.” she takes a deep breath. “At the very least, don’t lie to yourself. Because I can assure you, it will slowly destroy everything good in your life”
Little did she know; it was too late for that anyway.
I’d already been lying to myself for years, just not about what she thought I was.
And realistically, she had been right.
It had slowly destroyed every little bit of goodness my life had.
So, I guess that’s why I’m finally taking Franny’s sage advice.
Truth is; the missions, the bloodshed, the constant death and survival. It almost stopped bothering me. Almost.
At least while I was awake anyway. Really, the nightmares always seemed to be focused on Raccoon City. Not so much any of the new missions anyway.
Now it all just felt sort of –normal. Like I had become completely desensitized by it. I mean, that, or my dissociation skills, had just become that good.
Either way, complaining to Franny about fighting BOWs wasn’t my top priority. There was no need to get things off your chest when you’ve become so fucking dead inside, that nothing stayed there anyway.
Buuuuut ---
That’s not entirely true now, is it Kennedy?
Ol’ Franny was just barking up the wrong tree about what was really on my mind.
Something stayed there alright.
And over the years, it’s varied in intensity. Sometimes blaring so loudly it’s been impossible to ignore. At other times, just background noise; not overwhelming or intrusive, just always -- there.
And some-thing, was really some-one.
And I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I don’t think I can keep gaslighting myself into believing it doesn’t matter to me.
That how she feels doesn’t matter to me. That what she thinks about me doesn’t matter to me. That how I feel doesn’t matter because I don’t even really care. That I’m happy just knowing she’s alive and mostly safe.
That absolutely nothing else matters.
Because I think maybe it does.
I think maybe it might matter so fucking much, that it hurts.
So, here I am; writing stupid fucking shit down and talking to myself because I need to finally work this shit out.
I need to get these thoughts out, and the paper is all I have.
Short of picking up the phone and just calling her, of course.
Sober Leon, that is.
But I just fucking can’t.
Not yet.
You know, I could run in on a mission blind, strapped with nothing but 2 pistols and a knife into God-knows how many BOWs---ALONE, and not think twice about it.
But here I don’t even have the balls to pick up a phone and call one of my only true friends on this Earth and speak the truth.
Not at least until I can finally admit to myself what that truth is.
------------
I never used to be like this, you know? Back then I knew exactly what it was I felt.
Young me was much better at this honesty shit. Before the system taught me the mask. Taught me that the lies were safer. Turned me into someone colder.
Seems like 20 lifetimes ago.
But that Rookie cop wasn’t too scared to admit it to himself. He knew.
I knew.
I was still too scared to admit it to her though. But I think that’s pretty understandable since she’s goddamn terrifying.
Just ask Bill Birkin fully jacked up on G-Virus. That dumb mother-fucker never saw her coming.
But I knew damn well I was smitten with her. I mean, how could I not be?!
I think if I have any hope of unpacking this properly– I'm gonna need to go right back to the beginning.
The night that changed our lives and the rest of the world forever - September 29, 1998.
And I know what most people would be thinking; the thought had crossed my mind too at the time. “What the fuck Kennedy, you just met the girl. How could you possibly be in this deep already??”
But I already had way more than enough information about her from that one night for her to etch her name on my heart until I checked out of life for good.
Claire fucking Redfield.
An angel in a red leather jacket with fire in her eyes and the hair to match.
Everything that came out of Racoon City that night was shit.
Absolute fucking shit.
Except her.
Never her.
And Sherry, of course. But realistically, without Claire, Sherry never would have made it out of Raccoon City anyway. Sherry would’ve died a G-Virus incubator in a fucking garbage dump if not for Claire.
So even Sherry, we have Claire to thank for, and I will never forget it.
Sometimes I would think that if that night had to be the starting point to all the horror I’ve endured since, the fact that fate dropped this actual fucking angel into my life as a result, it made all the other bullshit kinda worth it.
Claire fucking Redfield.
Just your average 19-year-old, Harley Davidson enthusiast, kicking more undead ass than the entirety of Racoon City residents and cops alike, like a one-woman fucking army. Including yours truly – by the way.
It was impossible not to be hopelessly enthralled by her. And it wasn’t just about her looks, though I swear when she would smile at me, I could drown in the ocean of blue in her eyes.
No, it was so much more than that.
But fate chose to drop her in my lap and then rip her away in the same breath.
Forced to make our way separately; the longer I spent in the RPD, the less likely ever seeing her again felt. I was surrounded by death at every turn. Every hallway.
Even Marvin, who should have been my superior, was not long for the living. My brain couldn’t fathom the possibility that the gorgeous, young college student who came to hell to look for her brother, could still be alive somewhere.
Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that the brother Claire was in Racoon City searching for was essentially the world’s paramount zombie-killing super soldier. But that didn’t automatically mean she would turn out to be such an incredible badass with an utterly massive heart of gold.
Nah, she did that on her own.
So, you can imagine my undeniable delight when Marvin points her out on the monitors. I rush to the area and catch the flash of her ponytail and red leather, hearing her call out my name. I call back, the disbelief creeping beneath my tone like a prayer.
And somehow, in this surreal moment as we find each other again in this waking nightmare, she still manages to crack jokes and smile brighter than the fucking sun.
“Oh you know, just – surviving" she quips when I ask how she’s doing, as she casually leans on the other side of a locked fence that feels like the most offensive barrier I can imagine.
She fucking - - - quips!
And people wonder where I get it.
Rotting used-to-be human beings are literally trying to eat us alive at every turn and this beautiful fucking angel – quips!
The effect it has on my morale is immeasurable. A fire reignites in my heart, and I’m fully determined to get the hell out of here one way or another. To survive.
Because even though almost absolutely every single person I find is fucking dead or dying, Claire fucking Redfield isn’t.
She’s alive. And she’s making fucking quips while casually leaning on a fence..
And every bad joke I’ve made in the face of death since, has kept me going just picturing her beautiful face in the rain.
The joy is short lived however, and my heart stops as I watch the army of undead awaken behind her, as I urge her to move on to somewhere safer.
It killed me to leave her again. Amid all that darkness, just mere moments with her managed to make everything feel lighter again.
Something she’s continued to illicit in every interaction I’ve had with her since......save for one, that is. But that one’s on me, not her.
Never her.
It didn’t stop there, either. Because Claire took the time to leave me little notes as I made my way through the insane maze that was the RPD and its secret NEST below. Telling me not to worry about her or her brother. To just be safe and get out of there, escape. She’ll be fine. Going so far as to say, she had found a young girl that she needed to help.
Monsters. Chaos. A child in her care. But she’s leaving notes for me, to tell me not to worry about her. There was no question in my mind about the size or goodness of Claire’s heart. Not then and not a day since.
I decided to leave a few notes for her too – I hoped she would see them. That they would reassure her.
But I don’t think she’ll ever know what those notes did for me.
This girl, this fucking civilian COLLEGE STUDENT, was out here killing monsters, finding escape routes and synthesizing deadly virus vaccines, all while saving a sick fucking child!
Meanwhile, me, trained Rookie cop with a hot, albeit traitorous and armed (not) FBI agent sidekick, still ended up getting shot, manipulated and used. Letting everyone I encountered, die.
And while, said hot non-agent did run a number on my emotions that night (and future nights for that matter) by putting her damn lips on mine after an extremely recent dramatic break-up. In the end, there’s no denying which hot woman in red ran away with my heart that night.
Claire is the symbol of everything still good and right in this fucked up world. And that was evident from the very first night I met her. The fact she happened to be wearing a jacket that said “Made in Heaven” - always seemed like the wildest piece of irony to me.
Because like, shit jacket, don’t I know it! And little boy scout me, was hooked from day one.
The hook only dug deeper any moment we’ve spent together.
----
When I managed to catch up to the train leaving Racoon City that night, the never-ending failure and trauma was beginning to mount. My head was a straight fucking mess. I was so overwhelmed with the immense feeling that I had failed everyone I met that night.
Marvin, Kendo and his daughter, Ada --- Even myself for letting Ada manipulate me that way. I had almost handed over an extremely dangerous and volatile virus sample to a potential terrorist, all because she kissed me?
What in the fuck was I even thinking? I was by far the worst fucking cop ever.
Who the fuck was I kidding trying to be a cop anyway. I was sure I had no right making it out of there alive.
I deserved to have died with the rest of them. The reality of how easy it would be to just put a bullet in my head and join them like I should have, was doing me in. I truly thought of ending it right then.
So, when I entered the next car to be graced with the smiling face of my angel, not but three or four feet away. The whiplash of emotions I experienced was something else.
The pure relief and joy evident on her face when she saw me is forever burned into my memory. No one has ever been so happy to see me in my whole damn life.
Not before Raccoon City and not since.
In that moment I was suddenly so grateful that I had lived. That I could see her smile like that - - and because of me. The feeling was mutual and any notions I had about offing myself faded away as we reconnected and Claire introduced me to the young Sherry she had written about in her notes.
Our happy reunion was pretty fucking short-lived again though when a further mutated William Birkin decided to attack the next train car and Claire went to check it out.
The sound of Claire’s guns started filling the air around us and Sherry looked over to me wide-eyed and horrified.
“Claire!” she gasped, jumping up to run toward the sound. I gave Sherry a serious look and blocked her path.
“Don’t worry kiddo, I’m not going to let anything happen to Claire. Can you find somewhere safe to hide while I go give her a hand?”
She shook her head quickly.
“Nu-uh. I’m coming too! Pleeeease? I promise to be careful. I don’t want to be left alone back here. And I hafta make sure Claire’s ok. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for her...” Her eyes welling with unshed tears.
I could see this wasn’t a battle I was going to win.
“Ok. But listen, whatever happens, you stay behind me. And listen if I tell you to get back. I promise I’m not leaving here without her – or you. Okay?”
She nods
“Then let’s go help our girl, then huh”
The sight that welcomed us as we opened the back door was much worse than expected. The train car had been ripped wide open and Claire was being tossed around like a ragdoll. I managed to disconnect the back cars WB had attached to as she fought, stabbing him through the eye with a metal pipe. I reached out and pulled Claire back to the safety of our car as we watched the carnage shrink in the distance and explode.
I slowly stood and held out my hand for Claire, pulling her to her feet. I gently held her forearms and began looking her over for any new damage.
“Holy shit that thing was fucking huge! Are you okay??” I asked, still scanning her for injuries.
Before I could even register what was happening, her arms were around my waist and she pulled me into a crushing hug, her face buried in my chest. She turned her head to the side so she could speak clearly.
“I am! Thanks to you, Leon.” She takes a deep, slow breath and begins to relax.
I stood shocked for a moment, my hands still hanging in the air where they were when I was looking her over. My brain finally catches up, and I can’t help the relief that consumes me knowing she is safe and alive. I released a slow breath and let myself settle into her embrace. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, resting my cheek against the top of her head and smile.
But I can’t bring myself to allow taking any credit for her hard work.
“Come on, Claire, I didn’t do anything. You’re the one who just offloaded an army’s worth of gunpowder into that thing.” I let out a low chuckle “You had it handled.”
I feel her head shake against my chest.
“No. I don’t think I did. He did NOT want to die.” She laughs “Such great thinking, detaching the car. Genius! “
She pulls back slightly to look me in the eyes, her smile beaming from ear to ear and our arms still wrapped loosely around the other. “You sure you’re a rookie?” She raises an eyebrow. “Quick thinking like that is definite S.T.A.R.S. material. Trust me. I would know!” She gives a quick wink.
The well of emotion which balls up in the center of my chest nearly topples me and I have to stop myself from crying like a little bitch.
So far, this whole experience has made me feel like the biggest failure on Earth.
Like I didn’t deserve to survive.
But Claire in a single breath makes me feel like I might be worthy after all.
A little voice in my head tells me I don’t deserve her or her praise. But before it can take root, an excitable Sherry runs up and joins our hug from the side, wrapping one of her arms around Claire and the other around me.
“You both were so awesome! How were guys not scared?!“she says as Claire and I move our arms to include her in our now group hug.
“I don’t know Sherry; you are by far the bravest little girl I have ever met” Claire smiles down at her. “Guess we’re all pretty badass, then hey?” Claire brings her eyes back to mine and her smile widens slightly.
I can’t help but return her smile and nod slowly. “We make quite the team”
----
Despite all the horror we all endured that night, it still sounds crazy to say, but those days with her and Sherry after escaping Racoon City were some of the best of my whole damn life. And it’s like the more life I live; the truer it becomes.
We should have been exhausted, broken, angry, or overwhelmed by grief and despair. We should have been falling apart in every way.
But somehow, we weren’t.
We were resilient, upbeat and full of fire and determination. Not to mention the healthy helping of wit, smiles and sarcasm. Those are some of the only days in my life that I ever remember experiencing true joy. And that is FUCKING CRAZY to me.
Claire and I were in sync with each other, always knowing exactly what the other needed, whenever we needed it. Or when Sherry needed it. Without asking. There was a resonance. A flow between us. Bouncing off each other, taking turns, always in balance.
I remember those days better than I do the last few years.
Late afternoon that first day out of Raccoon, we found an abandoned motel outside the city limits.
We had been walking for ages and as the adrenaline from the previous night had long worn off – we had to confirm we weren’t just hallucinating. Well, Claire did.
“Leon...” Claire breathed out slowly as she adjusted a sleeping Sherry on her back. “Please tell me you see a motel up there and that it’s not just the heat, exhaustion and hunger making my mind play funky tricks on me”
“Huh? Where?? What are you talking about?” I answered as I unfocused my eyes and scanned the distance without landing on the image in question. I couldn’t help myself.
God I can be a dick sometimes.
Claire looked distraught. Like the world was collapsing beneath her feet, and I immediately felt a pang of guilt.
“W-w-ha- - -”
I reach out to touch her arm and let out a laugh I can’t hold back.
“I’m sorry. I was just kidding, Claire. I can see it” I smile as she shoots daggers at me “Looks like we finally found somewhere to take a break” I finish a little too chipper for her liking.
She scrunches up her nose and furrows her brow, and there’s a moment I think she might actually kill me.
“Jesus Leon! That is soooo NOT funny!” She’d probably hit me if her arms weren’t full of Sherry’s legs. But the small hint of a smile pulling at the corner of her pretty mouth betrays her.
“And here I am trying to take a longer shift of carrying Sherry to give your shoulder a rest.” She rolls her eyes in mock indignance “See if I ever do anything nice for you again”
She huffs and looks away - and it’s fucking adorable. I can’t help but smile, her threat is wholly empty and we both know it. “You think it’s open?” She finishes “I could really use a rest”
By this point the hand I had reached out to her, had already begun absent-mindedly rubbing her arm slowly trying to comfort and soothe her. I catch myself and pull my hand away, trying not to be obvious about it.
There was only one car parked outside and not much in the way of activity as far as I could tell. The late afternoon sun was far too bright and my eyes too strained after being up for so long to be able to tell if there were any lights on inside.
“I’m not sure” Concern creeps up the back of my throat “Think you can hold on to Sherry for another 5 minutes while I check it out?” I pull out my gun and release the clip to confirm it’s fully loaded.
I can see the concern embedded deep in her stare as she looks toward me in desperation. I can see the gears turning in her head; Not wanting to separate yet still realizing that if it was dangerous, it was best for Sherry to stay at a distance. After a few moments I see the resignation in her eyes.
“Okay, fine. Make sure it’s clear. But Leon..” her gaze on me intensifies “You check those rooms one by one. And you come out each time and wave that you’re all good before going into the next one. Got it?”
I think I feel my heart smiling...Is that a thing?
I nod. “Got it.”
“And if I hear gun shots and I don’t see you give me the ‘all good’ within five seconds, I’m coming over there.”
“Yes ma’am”
The look in her eyes softens and she tilts her head just slightly to the side as I turn to make my way out.
“And Leon..”
I look back over my shoulder “Yeah?”
“Please be careful” her eyes pleading with me as much as the tone of her voice.
“Of course.“ I give her my most reassuring smile before jogging off toward the building.
-----
The motel had appeared to have been abandoned in a rush. Little did we know at the time that the surrounding area had been evacuated pending the missel strike on Raccoon city. The Main Office had been locked but a lot of the rooms I found were open, with items still thrown about. There seemed to be a lot of lingering indications of guests leaving in a hurry.
I broke into the office to obtain the remaining keys to check the rest of the rooms, coming out after each one to find Claire anxiously awaiting her required ‘thumbs up’.
After checking around the back and any other nook and cranny I could find for monsters, I gave Claire the wave over.
We chose the biggest motel room, despite it only having one King size bed. It had slightly more furniture and appeared clean. Claire brought Sherry in, and I helped place Sherry down on the bed. Poor kid barely flinched.
“I’ll be right back; I saw some water bottles and a few snacks left in one of the other rooms” I said to Claire. “Now that I’m not looking for zombies, I’ll double check if there’s anything else useful out there. Lock the door. I’ll take the key and announce myself before coming back in so you don’t feel the need to shoot me through the door, k?” I can’t help but laugh at the thought. I know she’s capable of it.
Luckily, she finds it funny too, nodding slowly with a knowing smirk on her face. “Probably for the best rookie. Definitely still feeling a bit on edge. Wouldn’t want to shoot the guy who saved my life.”
I shake my head, still not comfortable with her giving me any kind of credit at all for her survival. The shame of my repeated failures of the evening still fresh in my mind as well as the awe of everything she had accomplished on her own. “You give me way too much credit, Claire. I’m sure you still would’ve managed just fine if I hadn’t caught the train in time. You woulda - ---- “
She cuts me off.
“Okay, that’s enough of that already. Seriously!” Her voice is direct and firm.
“You seem to be forgetting that in all likelihood, I would have been eaten by a horde of zombies at the gas station before the night even began if it wasn’t for you." She looks down for a moment, lost in thought before looking back to me. “Let alone even making it to the fucking train, Leon.” She shakes her head slowly. “I had no idea what the fuck was even happening then. Sometimes I still don’t. But seeing another human. You pushing me to get in that car.” she snickers as a smirk plays at her mouth “To get back out of the car” “ Hell Leon, even the notes you left me.” she smiles. “Even knowing you were still alive. That you were also out there fighting to escape – just like me....it kept me going. You know?”
And boy, did I ever.
“Ya Claire.” I can feel myself mirroring the look on her face “I do. I know exactly what you mean...I felt the same way”
Our eyes lock and there is an infinite number of words exchanged in the soft gaze we share.
“Great.” she starts “Then I don’t wanna hear another fucking word of your humble-ass bullshit about not saving my life then, k” “Got that, Kennedy?”
“Copy that, Redfield.”
I salute and dip my head slightly as I leave the room wondering how one human being has the ability to erase a lifetime of insecurity in one day.
That night we slept cuddled together with Sherry in the middle – door locked and barricaded with anything that wasn’t nailed down, the bed against the far wall. Claire and I are each on our side, weapons within reach, facing Sherry, and each other. Our arms draped across Sherry's pillow, above her head – our fingers dangerously close.
Sherry is fully unconscious, mouth agape, and breathing loudly. I watch her with a sense of relief that this poor child, who has been through so much, feels safe enough to find her way to a restful sleep. My gaze drifts passed Sherry’s sleeping face to find Claires closed eyes and relaxed features. I stare a bit longer than I should and think she should always look like this. Free of the fear, determination and anger which has kept her moving forward the last couple of days.
My train of thought is interrupted by Claire sharply inhaling through her nose and her eyes popping open with a small jolt. I see the momentary panic cross her face before she finds me in the small amount of light in the room.
“It’s okay” I whisper “we’re okay”
She lets her breath out slowly through pursed lips and gives a little nod. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. It gives me the courage to turn my palm upward and offer her the hand that’s been itching to touch her for the last twenty minutes. She slides her hand onto mine, and we curl our fingers together as I lazily start to trace the lines of her fingers with my thumb. I want her to know that I’m here, that she’s not alone.
I watch her watching the movement intently.
“We’re okay” I repeat in the same hushed tone. “I’ve got you”
The corners of her mouth stretch further on her face as the smile finally reaches her eyes. She squeezes tightly around my fingers as a gesture of agreement that I return, before closing her eyes again and taking a deep breath. As our fingers relax, her thumb finds the edge of my palm where she begins to draw the same lazy circles that I am on her fingers.
It causes my face to heat involuntarily and I’m suddenly aware of my heartbeat in my ears.
Luckily, she doesn’t open her eyes again before we both fall asleep, because I’m sure she would be able to read the lost look of adoration and helplessness in the dark.
The next day I found myself daydreaming that maybe Sherry’s suggestion about adopting her wasn’t so crazy after all.
Fuck ya! Let’s get the dog! I thought.
And the parrot!
What the hell.
And whatever other fucking animal any of us had ever dreamed of owning.
Everything then was so damn easy, that sometimes as the years passed, I wondered if it was all just a fever dream. Maybe my bullet wound had actually been infected or some shit and I just imagined the whole fucking thing in my head.
But then either Claire or Sherry would reminisce about something from those oddly wonderful days and warmth would spread through the center of my chest. Relieved that the memories we had shared were real.
Case in point: DSO Office Cafeteria – 6 Months ago
Sherry’s watching as I reach into the bottom slot of the cafeteria vending machine that’s holding my bag of Ms Vickies Salt and Vinegar Chips hostage.
“What are you doing?” she laughs. “Why don’t you just give it the trusty Claire-Sidekick?”
And the smile which stretches across my face is undoubtably the largest I’ve cracked in months, maybe years - just thinking about it.
--
‘October 2nd, 1998 – The motel.
All of us starving having burned through the few items we had recovered from the other rooms long ago. I’m rocking the machine back and forth trying to shake some goodies loose as best as I can with my bum arm, when Claire walks up from behind and places a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I turned to see her eyeing me with a sly smile “Back up a sec, rookie” she says with confidence dancing in those bright eyes.
“Yes ma’am. After you” I reply to her, bowing slightly and motioning toward the machine as I step away.
She lines up to get just the right angle and with a swift motion, pivots on her left foot and lets out the most ridiculously adorable grunt I’ve ever heard come from anyone or anything in my entire fucking life.
Claire sidekicks the machine with impressive force, tipping the whole thing sideways and knocking nearly every precious item free before standing it back up for the bounty to be collected from the bin below.
“Wooooahhhh! Claire, that was AWESOME!” Sherry bounced excitedly at the treasure of sweets and snacks waiting to be collected. Claire just smiled warmly, pleased to have made the girl in our care happy.
My brows rose involuntarily, as I pursed my lips and nodded in admiration “Angel.” I breathe “You are actually a fucking angel. I’m sure of it.”
She winked at me and I’m sure the dopey smile I gave her in return made it obvious what I was really thinking at the time. Which was somewhere along the lines of like;
“Holy fucking shit. Marry me”
---
Those were the memories that kept me going on cold, lonely nights in foreign countries. When everything felt dark and meaningless. Memories of when the world around us seemed like it was ending and somehow, against all odds - we were thriving. For that beautiful pocket in time, when we were all together.
Because as it turns out, my initial assessment that morning when we were walking out of Racoon City and I told Claire and Sherry that as long as we stuck together, we’d be fine, was 100% correct. Because we had been.
And it’s with complete and utter certainty that I can say that the minute we separated - is the exact minute it all went to shit.