Work Text:
Bowser’s castle had a ghost problem. Normally ghosts were no big deal, but this particular ghost had decided to possess the king’s clown car. And if there was one thing the king couldn’t stand, it was someone, or in this case, something messing with his car. He called for Kamek and ordered his advisor to take care of it, only to receive a shockingly tepid response.
“How do you suggest I do that, your furiousness? My magic has limited power over the non-corporeal deceased.”
“I don’t care how you do it! Just DO IT!”
“Very well, your loudness.”
Kamek put in a call to a very old friend of his to ask a favor, only to hit another snag. E. Gadd’s voice crackled over their rather tenuous magical connection.
“Oh, nothing I can do about that, I’m afraid, hoo-hoo. My hunting days are long gone. This old back’s darn near given up.”
Kamek struggled to keep the desperate edge out of his voice. He’d already tried everything he could think of to no avail, his magic completely ineffectual.
“But we need some kind of—”
“‘Course I could have a word with my protégé. Though I warn you, he’s not cheap.”
“Money’s no object.”
“That’s well and good then. When do you need him?”
“As soon as possible! King Bowser wants the ghoulish spectre out of his clown car as soon as possible!”
“Hoo-hoo, excellent. I’ll let him know. Hey!” E. Gadd whistled. “That’s right, here doggy. Take this to that lily-livered human of yours. Tell him he’s got a job at Bowser’s castle. At once! Go on! Chop chop!”
An hour later the guards came to Kamek looking nervous. “Advisor Kamek, sir! The green Mario is here!”
“What?!” He spat out his tea. “Well, have you arrested him? Why didn’t you bring him here in chains and—”
“Uh, he said he was here for a job? He mentioned the ghost in his majesty’s clown car. He’s real jittery and jumpy about it, too.”
Kamek stared a few seconds too long, his wrinkled old mind wrapping around the absurdity of it. Mario’s wimpy trellis of a brother was Gadd’s protégé? He rubbed his temples. Of course he was. And, of course, the old scientist had neglected to mention it…
“Very well. I will show him to the hangar myself.”
He finished his tea and snatched up his wand, teleporting away with a pop. POOF! He reappeared in the entry hall beside the green menace in question who jumped a clean four feet up in the air from a perfect standstill.
“AH!”
Kamek crossed his arms, extremely unamused.
“You’re Gadd’s protégé?”
The human huffed something that very much sounded like, “Not by choice.”
Frankly, Kamek didn’t care.
“I have prepared your purported fee, which you will only receive after a the job’s been done.”
“O-of course.”
“This way. Follow me.”
The human—wearing one of the professor’s red backpack-like vacuum devices—trailed behind him down the halls. Unfortunately, it was midday and their path took them past the playroom at precisely the wrong moment. Several koopalings and Bowser Junior burst out the door and nearly mowed the nervy human down.
“WahWahWahWahWaow!” The green one’s arms pinwheeled comedically to keep from falling over, only to quickly shrink back next to Kamek when the children angrily growled and rounded on him.
“What’s he doing here?!” Junior spat, a small fireball forming at the back of his throat. “I’ll get him!”
Kamek zipped over and closed the boy’s jaw with one hand.
“No. He’s here about the ghost in your father’s clown car.”
“Bwahaha! What’s he gonna do about it?!” Junior jeered.
“C-catch it, piccolo.” Nervously wringing his hands, the man muttered under his breath, “or possibly die trying, and that’s assuming your Papa doesn’t just set me on fire the second he sees me.” Straightening up, he informed Kamek, “You read the documents Gadd pixelated over and signed the release statements, so you know I’m not responsible for any damage that occurs to the vehicle or the castle in the process of dealing with this ghost, si?”
“Yes, I read and agreed to your silly liability clauses, but you’d best be aware his kingness will be most displeased if his car is destroyed in the endeavor.”
“I’ll d-do my best, but I can’t p-promise anything. Ghosts are unpredictable.”
“Let’s just get this over with! It’s right up these stairs. All the way at the top.”
“Of course,” Green grumbled some more, “because when would they choose somewhere easy to get to?” To Kamek, he asked, suddenly very businesslike. “Are there other doors to the landing deck?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Which lead?”
Kamek’s eyes narrowed and his tone hardened.
“I’m not about to divulge the castle’s secrets to—”
“Then, I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse this job. If the ghost goes on the run and I have no knowledge of where it could go and what kind of arsenal it might have at its disposal…”
The usually nervy man stared him straight in the eyes, unwavering. Hmph. Perhaps he had a spine after all.
“There are three traditional exits: one to the armory where we store extra fuselage, one to the other staircase into the east hall—where the king’s offices are located—and a hidden passage to the throne room. Of course, you know ghosts can phase through floors and walls. There’s the east tower, the west tower, and below the landing deck is a series of offices.”
“Evacuated?”
“Yes, of course.” He resented the implication he was anything less than extremely competent.
“I want the bambini to stay back, too.”
“The what?” Kamek snapped.
The human’s head tilted indicatively over one shoulder. Kamek looked and clicked sharply at the gaggle of koopalings shadowing them.
“Back to the playroom! All of you! This is no place for little ones!”
“We’re not little!” One of the big ones argued.
“Yeah!” Junior chimed in, getting looks from the older siblings. He glared and stomped his feet, puffing smoke. “Hey!”
Some Time Later…
Bowser was wrenched from his paperwork by an ear-splitting unearthly howl. It sent a shiver down his spine. His first thought was that Kamek had finally gotten rid of the damn thing, but his heart started racing when a terrible smash sent a tremor through the floor and suddenly a chorus of familiar cries rent the air. High-pitched screams of children. Flames glowing in his maw as ice engulfed his heart, Bowser’s massive body broke the door off its hinges as he pulled into his shell and rocketed out into the hall toward the source. At one end—the dead end, trapped with nowhere to run—were three of his koopalings and Junior. At the other—to his absolute horror—the possessed car had crashed through a series of walls and was revving its engines, about to mow down his little ones. Bowser wasn’t the type of guy who scared easily, but he was utterly terrified. He let out another ear-splitting roar, propelling himself into the monstrous vehicle’s way—
But he needn’t have bothered. Before it could come hurtling toward them, there was a bang and something thumped into it from behind followed by the sound of powerful suction. Whooshing air howled as whatever it was latched on and then Bowser heard a voice he normally associated with stammering and startled cries saying:
“Over my dead body. Hrrrgh—NYAH!”
The king’s eyes bugged out of his head. Behind him he heard Roy’s astonished gasp.
“No fucking way!”
It happened in what felt like slow motion. One second the clown car was in front of them and the next it was lifted clean off the ground flying over the head of a furious-looking Luigi. Hatless, sweating, the plumber was yanking it by a suction cup attached to a rope he’d sucked up with the weird vacuum-cleaner-reminiscent device on his back. Blue eyes flashing like lightning across a stormy sky found him when the man’s head turned to look at them.
“Bowser, get the bambini—the kids—out of here!” Greenie barked with more authority than Bowser’d ever heard before.
The king tried to do just that but more than one of the little ones were stunned by fear and adrenaline. He had to push or nuzzle them to spur them into—
CRACK! CRASH!
The king’s head whipped around. The ghost had been flushed from the clown car’s smoking remains and tossed Luigi’s body full force into a full-length mirror. It shattered on impact. The plumber stumbled, doubled over in pain. He had a cut on his cheek. His narrow face turned up toward Bowser as he climbed back on his feet.
“Get them out!” The human shouted.
Bowser didn’t waste time waiting to be told again. He scooped up his straggling offspring and made a break for it, not stopping until they were deep in the royal wing far from the fight.
“Kamek!”
“Sire! The rest of the brood are safely tucked in their rooms! Thank goodness they’re—”
“Stay here and watch them.”
“But what are you—”
“Just stay here until I come back.”
“P-papa!” Junior’s claws clutched his leg, reluctant to let go. “The green Mario…he saved us.”
“Yeah.” Bowser said, eyebrows wrinkling in thought, “He did. Stay here. I’ll be back.”
“Papa,” Junior refused to let go. “I’m scared.”
“I know,” he patted his son’s head. “But sometimes big strong kings gotta go toward the things we’re scared of instead of turning around. You’re not a king yet, so you stay here and wait with the others. I’ll be right back.”
Junior whined, but Roy hugged him and he let his father go with a low frightened whisper.
“Come back soon, Papa.”
“I will.”
Back in the castle halls turned war-zone, the first thing he heard was the rattling whir of a damaged engine. His feet turned a corner, and he would have been run over if he hadn’t leapt back into a narrower hall just in time. The car’s face, twisted into a toothy shrieking glare by the ghost possessing it, howled in frustration.
“Hey, ugly! Remember me?” Luigi goaded from behind it. The engine roared, turning to face him. “Yeah, that’s right! You want me? Come and fucking get some!”
The fine red hairs on the back of Bowser’s neck stood on end, the giant koopa’s heart tingling as he poked his head out to watch the plumber staring down the ghoulishly mechanical beast. The car flew right toward the little man at full speed, but the nozzle of his red vaccum pointed straight up, grabbing onto the string of a suction cup hanging from the ceiling, hoisting him out of the way just in time for the car to crash full speed into the thick brick wall. The whole east wing shook. To Bowser’s astonishment, Luigi jumped down, shot another suction cup straight at it, grabbed the string with the vaccuum and repeated the colossal act of strength from before: he swung the entire car up then brought it crashing down so hard it left an impact crater and this time sent the ghost flying straight out of it. A bright flash momentarily blinded him. Next thing Bowser saw clearly was a powerful specter being absolutely brutalized, slammed over and over into everything: walls, furniture, floor—everything!
It was like watching a chainchomp kill a rodent. Luigi slammed the ghost’s weakened semi-corporeal body and head into every surface imaginable. Effectively beating it to death, were death still an option. Instead, he seemed to be weakening it more and more and more until eventually it was sucked down the nozzle of the funny vacuum cleaner with a satisfying POP!
It was the single most brutal, most ruthless…hottest…thing Bowser had ever fucking seen…
And the human had lifted the weight of his clown car—twice! Together, they’d be strong enough to rule more than the world. With Luigi by his side, he could rule the galaxy! Tail wagging with extra excitement at the prospect, he stomped determinedly forward through the ruins of a once grand hallway.
“Luigi.”
The human turned. Greenie looked glad to see him. Huh. Bowser’s tail wagged some more. He was glad it was behind him so Luigi couldn’t notice.
“Bowser. Are the bambini alright?”
“The wh—oh, right—the kids. Yeah. ‘Cause of you.”
Luigi waved it off. Bowser didn’t like that. He bared his teeth, growling. The man leerily stepped back but didn’t concede the point.
“‘S all part of the job.”
“Job?”
Luigi was surprised, but explained, talking in stilted sentences. Bowser assumed the man was nervous. After all, they didn’t have the greatest track record on account of who Greenie’s brother was.
“Kamek hired me,” Luigi took a shaky breath, “ta catch a ghost.” After a pointed look at the tank of the vacuum device, the man added, “I’d like my fee in cash. Don’t do checks.”
“Kamek,” Bowser rumbled. The magikoopa appeared and fixed the human with a glare. The king ignored it, “Get Greenie what he’s owed.”
“Yes, your wealthiness.”
A suitcase popped into existence. Luigi bent down and opened it, checking over the stacks of cash. Bowser gawked.
“That’s one hell of a fee.”
“Hate doing it, so I charge a fuckton.”
Amused, Bowser joked.
“Great business model. Bet you get a lot of work.”
“Enough to live on.” Blue eyes finally left the money and found his face again. “You have an infirmary, yeah?”
“Sure.” Red brows crinkled. “Why? You hurt or somethin—” he’d stepped forward into Greenie’s space and the scent of fresh blood flooded his nostrils. Bright red eyes searched the little man, locking on to the hand carefully hugging Luigi’s abdomen. A shard of mirror glass jutted out, embedded deep in the flesh. “Fucking shell, Greenie, why didn’t you say anything sooner?! Kamek!”
But Luigi recoiled, leery of the magikoopa’s wand. The infuriating little man shook his head. “If you could just take me somewhere to get supplies, I’ll handle it.”
“Luigi, don’t be ridiculous. That’s not a scratch. You need stitches.”
“Thanks, I know that.” Blue eyes rolled, “trust me, I’ve had worse. This business isn’t exactly a walk in the park.”
Bowser growled but nodded at Kamek’s questioning stare and they were teleported to an empty room in the royal medical wing. Before one of the royal doctors could even show up, Luigi was raiding cabinets and slapping things down on a cart by the exam table. The plumber sat on it sideways to avoid staining it with blood, very carefully cutting open his shirt and peeling it off. He opened a bottle of disinfectant with his fucking teeth and poured it over the wound, hissing. He poured it over the forceps, too, before taking them and carefully extracting the foreign object from the wound.
Bowser and Kamek both winced, but Luigi’s face just tightened.
Tossing the piece of bloody glass into an empty disposal tray, Luigi grabbed needle and thread, disinfecting with the antiseptic again before sinking the needle in his own flesh. By this time a couple medical staff were also watching the ‘patient’ work on himself in abject horror. Bowser growled. Luigi mumbled a soft ‘Owowow,’ under his breath as he finished up and tied off, cutting the excess surgical thread. The human’s hands fumbled through the bottles he’d grabbed till they found what they were looking for. He slathered the substance carefully across the stitched up and slightly oozing wound, following up with a layer of surgical gauze and finally clean bandages. One of the docs gained enough composure to bark:
“Wait at least three days before removing those stitches.”
“Sure.” Luigi bit back, blase. It irked the koopa king.
“You should be howling in agony right now.”
Luigi shrugged, meeting the king’s face wearing an icy expression.
“Yeah…don’t think I have any more pained screams left in me. Like I said: I’ve had worse.”
Bowser winced.
“You always stitch yourself up?”
“Usually. Who else is going to?”
“Mario?” Bowser suggested.
Luigi laughed, then hissed and winced.
“Ah…aha…bad idea right now. Mario and I haven’t lived together in years.”
His tail swished. Good. That was good. It would make it a lot easier to get closer to the man. He cleared his throat.
“Ahem, that’s good.” No, wait, he wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. “I mean, not good just…different than I expected. Thought you guys were close.”
“We’re not attached at the hip.”
“I know, but—” he changed tacts, “You still dating the Sarasaland princess?”
Kamek made an affronted snort, long blue arms of his robes crossed as he recognized the glint of interest in his son’s expression. Really? The younger Mario brother? Eyes rolled behind thick glasses. Of all the humans in the galaxy…ah well. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it. First the toadstool princess and now this.
Luigi’s eyebrows furrowed.
“No. We broke up three years back. She’s dating Rosie.”
“The star watcher? Huh. How about that.”
Luigi didn’t let that distract for long.
“Why?”
“Hmm?”
“Why’d you ask?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” He puffed steam before putting on his most handsome fangy smile. “So…you’re single?”
“Hmph.”
Bowser fought the urge to fidget under the plumber’s intense gaze. It gave way to a smile and an aborted chuckle, Luigi wincing in pain, but somehow still smiling. Bowser’s traitorous tail started wagging again. That wasn’t a bad laugh. Luigi wasn’t rejecting or making fun of him, just…smiling at him. A warm fuzzy feeling spread across his chest.
“Watching a guy slam a flying car into a hallway does it for ya, huh?”
Flame pipe overheating, Bowser coughed up some sparks, his face turning red. Flirting was the last thing he’d expected from the usually timid and jumpy Mario bro, but now his interest immediately doubled.
“…Maybe. Wanna do dinner sometime?”
There was a brief lull. Luigi stood gingerly, tossing his ruined bloody shirt over his arm and hiking both overall straps back up on bare shoulders, apparently content to leave like that. Bowser appreciated the lean muscles even more now he knew what they were truly capable of. Lips pressed tightly closed, Luigi’s gaze raked over the king’s form. Bowser puffed himself up proudly, holding the door for the little man and purposefully flexing when Luigi focused in on his ripped arms. Greenie stepped out into the corridor, Bowser followed, and Kamek’s broom floated after them.
“Ahem. Well? Whatta ya say, Greenie?”
“My brother will be furious.”
Bowser waved that one off easily. “Pfft. Let him.”
Luigi shot him a side-eye, softly grinning.
“We both know he’ll come after you the second he finds out.”
“Oh yeah, for sure.” Bowser agreed, “Problem?”
“Mario will make it your problem.” Bowser was still unmoved, which interested Luigi very much. “Why bother?”
“What?”
“You know what he could do, but you still want to risk it?”
“Hey, your bro’s a good fighter, but he’s gentler than a kitten. He won’t actually hurt me.”
“You’ve never given him a real reason to. But Mario doesn’t like it when people hurt me.”
“Hmph,” Bowser puffed steam into Luigi’s face, leaning in closer than ever, tilting the man’s chin up with one claw. “And why would I do that?”
Luigi answered a question with a question.
“What do you even see in me?”
The king was prepared to scoff and wave it off, but the longer he stared into Greenie’s eyes, the more painfully aware he became of the truth: Luigi didn’t even know his own strength.
It stunned the giant koopa. He blinked in amazement.
“You don’t…” his voice trailed off. He stepped authoritatively forward. Luigi held ground. Good. He liked that Luigi wasn’t automatically afraid of him. They were even closer together now. “You saved my kids’ lives.”
“All in a day’s work.”
“No.” Bowser shook his head, “No one else would have done that.”
“Mario would.”
“Shut up. I refuse to think about that meatball right now. I’m trying to ask you out.”
Luigi laughed, only to hiss again, smile and bite out, “Fair enough. I could do dinner sometime. Yours or mine?”
“Well, I’m always partial to mi—” he caught movement in the corner of his eye and realized Kamek was still floating behind them. He glared, furious and embarrassed that his father was basically chaperoning them. Then he heard his kids’ voices shouting as they came running up from the far end of the hall by the nearest staircase.
“Dad!”
“Papa!”
“Grampa Kamek said you called him cuz the ghost was gone and we didn’t wanna stay in yur room anymore!”
He sighed and changed his answer on the spot. “—actually, if you don’t mind hosting. Yours might be a bit quieter.” He was charmed by the warm smile that went all the way to Luigi’s eyes.
“Sure. No problem. We can take turns.”
Take turns, Bowser’s heart soared. Already Luigi was interested in more dates!!! When the plumber bent down and spoke warmly and sweetly to Junior, ruffling his son’s bright red hair, Bowser knew his heart was a goner.
“Well of course, I stepped in, principe! I had to. I wasn’t going to let that mean old ghost hurt you!”
“Huh. Well, thanks Green Mario. Guess you’re not all bad.”
“Haha—ow—” Luigi winced, smile dimming just a little before it lit back up. “Thank you, Prince Junior. And my name is Luigi.”
“Looweegee?” Junior sounded it out, making a face.
“Si.”
“How come your name is so funny?”
“It’s Italian. My family is from Italy and we all speak Italian.”
“Huh. So, Italy is a place?”
“Si—I mean, yes.”
“In the human world?”
“Yes.”
“Huh. And all Italian-ans speak it?”
“Most do. Some people speak other languages, too. Just like here, si? The shy guys speak shy and the goombas speak goomb and Koopas speak—” Luigi clicked his tongue and whistled. Bowser’s eyebrows rose in astonishment. Huh. Well whattya know… Greenie’s elocution wasn’t great, he spoke a bit like a one-year-old hatchling, but the koopa king had never seen or heard any human even try to speak their language before, so he was impressed. Junior was similarly shocked, mouth wide open in surprise.
“How’d you know that?!”
“I read a lot of books, principe,” Luigi smiled, “and I’ve made lots of friends on my adventures. Sometimes they teach me.”
“Well, you don’t talk very good.” Junior said, frowning.
“I know,” Luigi sighed. “I don’t get much practice.”
“Well, in this language we call it ‘hatch tongue.’”
“Oh, I see. I didn’t know that. There are only a couple of books that mention it in the principessa’s library.”
“Ours has better ones!” Junior declared boastfully, puffing out his chest, “want some?”
“Well, I,” Luigi’s cheeks flushed rather adorably, and his eyes darted up to Bowser Sr, “isn’t that up to your Papa, principe? He hasn’t exactly given me permission to use his—”
“He can use the library, right Papa?”
“‘Course he can, kiddo.” Bowser chuckled, scooping his son up and putting him on his shoulder, then smiling down at Luigi. “Take whatever you like, just make sure you register what you took at the desk so we get them back if they get overdue.”
“I…” Luigi’s face was a lovely shade of pink now. “…thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Bowser rumbled. “Much as I’d love to escort you, these four have had enough excitement for one night and it’s past their bedtime.”
“Awww, but Papa—”
“No buts! Bedtime. All of you.”
More ‘awws’ joined the chorus. Bowser shot Luigi a lopsided smile and gathered them all up on his shell. He was about to leave when—
“Ah! Umm, Bowser?”
“Yeah?” He turned back around. Luigi kicked the carpet, blushing again.
“Er…you said dinner…but not when…”
“Oh!” His face heated. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, uh, how ‘bout—er—day after tomorrow?”
Darnit. Why did he say that? That was way too soon, now he probably looked desperate or—
“Sounds perfect.” That smile was so sweet his heart skipped a beat. “I’ll see you then. I-uh—I’ll send you a letter with my address. I live in the valley.”
“Evershade valley?” He balked.
“Si.” Luigi nodded.
“Oh.” That was technically part of his kingdom…Luigi had been living so close by? Luigi chose to live in the darklands? His tail scraped the floor with repeated wags.
Awkward, silent and blushing they stood there for a few seconds too long before Luigi awkwardly waved a hand and took a step back.
“Okie dokie…guess I’ll see you then.”
“Yeah, I’ll see ya, bean stalk.”
“B-bye, Bowser.”
“Bye, Luigi.”
“I’ll just—uh—I’ll stop by the library on my way out.”
Oh he was so painfully awkward when he was flustered. Bowser wasn’t much better.
“Yeah, you do that. Knock yerself out. I mean—” remembering Luigi’s injuries he frowned, “I mean, don’t like overtax yourself or anything…just—”
“I won’t. I’ll be fine.” Luigi smiled, trying to wave it off only to turn and nearly trip over a bump in the carpet. “Ah-haha. Goodnight, Bowser. Goodnight, bambini.”
“Night!” Junior chirped, brightly.
Finally they went their separate ways. Junior climbed up to whisper in his ear.
“Papa?”
“Yes, Junior?”
“Are you two gonna kiss?”
“What—” he turned brick red. “—Junior!”
“What? He kept turning pink like Mario does every time the princess kisses him!”
“We’re going to have dinner.”
“Ooh, can I go?”
“Not this time, bud. Grown-ups only.”
“Awww.”
“But maybe next time.”
Junior brightened.
“If you’re on best behavior!”
“Okay.” His son was quiet for a while on the walk back to the kids’ rooms, then, “Papa?”
“Yes, Junior?”
“He’s not so bad.”
“Hmm?”
“The green—er—Luigi. He’s always been nicer than Mario. Even if he screams a lot.”
“Thank you, Junior. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You like him?”
“…” he considered making up a lie, but he didn’t like lying to his son. “Yes, I do.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
Huh. That wasn’t exactly what he’d expected, but he’d take what he could get. All things considered…it was looking like everything was finally going his way.