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As the sun dipped below the horizon and night began to take over the sky, the scent of hairspray was the only thing lingering in the room. Sangwon was reclining in the makeup chair while the makeup artist was busy applying his foundation. He kept talking to Jiahao, trying his best not to fall asleep. They had a radio interview in a few minutes, which meant they needed to be completely awake. He didn’t have a choice but to look his best for his fans, even as the tiredness was taking over.
He nodded off, his body slowly getting heavier as a dream started to play behind his eyelids.
“Sangwon, I know you’re tired but you need to stay awake”, he heard a voice say. It’s probably Jiahao as he felt a hand sliding down his arm, trying to keep him grounded with a physical touch since the conversation wasn’t enough anymore. “You know today is an important day, we have our debut interview”.
“I’m trying”, he muttered. “Give me a five-minute nap, I just need to rest my eyes for a second and I’ll be back”.
“No, I know what you’re doing. We don’t have enough time for a nap, you need to be ready, our fans are waiting for us”.
Sangwon was ready to reply when Anxin entered the room. He was talking fast, a little confused, in a messy chinese. He sat beside Jiahao and let out a heavy sigh, nodding and stretching his slender body over Hao.
“Please, help me, gege. I don’t know what to do”, he said in a sly voice.
“Well, everyone thought you both liked to play like this. I used to believe it was some kind of dispute between you guys”, the older one replied, making sure to pull Anxin away as he needed some personal space to think properly.
“It used to be a joke, but it’s not fun anymore. I always feel like my heart is going to explode every time he leans in, we’re always so close, it’s almost overwhelming”, Anxin said, running his fingers through his hair, only to hear a stern voice telling him to stop, or they would have to redo his hair all over again.
“Can someone please explain to me what happened? I don’t know if you remember, but I don’t speak Chinese," Sangwon said, now fully awake.
“It’s all nonsense. I’m nervous and I don’t know how to make Leo stop, he’s always teasing me, and I fear he enjoys seeing me get embarrassed with his jokes”.
“Oh”, he replied, surprised. “Do you want me to talk to Leo? If it’s something that is bothering you, I can help. He’ll understand you and stop, but you have to tell him”.
Anxin’s eyes widened. “No, no, no, no, no. Please, hyung, I’m begging you. Please don’t talk to Leo”.
“Wait, I thought you were uncomfortable”, Jiahao said, raising an eyebrow as the situation started to make sense to him. “So you actually do like it, you just don’t know how to handle it”.
“I never said I don’t like it. I get nervous, that’s all. And I’ll mess everything up if he doesn’t stop”.
“Okay, let me get this straight”, Sangwon said, pointing a finger at Anxin. “You like the teasing, and you don’t want Leo to stop, but at the same time, you feel frustrated because he provokes you to the point where you feel awkward and don’t know how to act. Is that it?”
Anxin nodded.
Sangwon let out a genuine, loud laugh, suddenly acting like this was the funniest thing in the world. “So why don’t you tease him back? I don’t get it”.
“I… I just”, Anxin started to say but then a staff member appeared at the door, indicating the program was about to start. “I’ll talk to you later… I guess”.
They all got up as one, a collective breath held tight before the onslaught of camera flashes. Anxin, Sangwon and Arno drifted toward the other, finding Leo locked in a debate with Geonwoo. Their hands carved shapes in the air, a frantic dance as they kept arguing over the lore of a game, and how it was a good idea to write a song about the story of the main characters.
Nearby, Sangwon and Arno stood in an orbit so tight it felt intentional, they were close — too close, a gravity everyone could see. Anxin hiked his shoulders, his gaze darting to Sanghyeon in a search of a sparkle of confidence. He found only a wide, bright smile, as he was trying to not show how nervous he was. Beside them, Junseo’s attempts at comfort were failing, the panic in the younger one’s eyes was a silent scream.
“That is it”, Anxin said to Xinlong. “Our first ever show as idols. No, I mean, it’s not your first, but ours, as a group…”.
“Yeah, but if it helps, it’s totally different this time.”, Xinlong countered, his voice a steady anchor. He reached out, his thumb stroking Anxin’s elbow in a slow, grounding rhythm. “I’m with new people, my family just grew. You’re now my brothers. I’m nervous too. How could I not be? We all bled for our debut. It’s okay, you’re going to nail it, Anxin”.
“Thank you. I really hope so”, Anxin murmured, though the words felt like they belonged to someone else.
As they approached the studio doors, Leo suddenly turned. He caught Anxin’s eye and offered two thumbs up, paired with a smile so large it felt like a sunrise contained within a narrow hallway. That brought warmth to Anxin’s chest. He mirrored the gesture, his fingers forming a shaky “ok”, just as they stepped into the room.
Inside, the world dissolved into a blur of artificial light and sharp shadows. Under the table, Jiahao’s hand was a fleeting ghost, sliding along Anxin’s leg, trying to offer him comfort. Anxin was staring at the interviewer, his lips curving into a practiced smile whenever the room erupted in laughter, but he heard nothing. His ears were filled with a high-pitched ring, his skin felt electric, the studio lamps burning through his foundation.
Then, Leo spoke.
“Yeah, I know…”, he laughed, a quick glance flickering toward Anxin. “Everyone loses their mind when we do that, but honestly? It’s been a joke since day one. I’m the leader, even if I’m not the eldest, so the big brother instinct just takes over. It’s a competition between us, we’re both too competitive”.
The interviewer laughed, and something in the air was sticky. His skin felt clammy, and suddenly made him feel like he’s in a strange body. The entire world was looking at him, the weight of a thousand invisible eyes pressing against his ribs. He searched for Junseo, for anyone, but his vision was a hazy tunnel.
He cleared his throat, the sound scraping against his dry throat. The makeup felt like a mask of clay, heavy and suffocating. He wasn’t Anxin anymore. He wanted to claw his skin until the persona peeled away.
“Ugh, so, yeah. We’re like brothers”, he managed to giggle, his hand rising to cover his mouth, a shield for a habit he couldn’t break. “It’s all in good fun”.
The room seemed to freeze, the air turning to ice as Leo began to lean in again.
Leo loves to tease Anxin during official schedules. There’s an addictive rush when he leans in so close he’s breathing Anxin’s very air. He’s conscious of his actions and knows he should stop, especially with the cameras watching.
A faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he noticed Anxin’s hands trembling under the table. That was it. That was the reaction he wanted.
Anxin panicked, a dry cough catching in his throat as he scrambled for a coherent sentence. Adam's apple bobbed convulsively, he was begging for mercy with his eyes. Leo seemed to finally understand, retreating into his own space just enough for Anxin to swallow a mouthful of fresh, cool air.
“Wow, haha”, Anxin swallowed drily, the lingering spark between them warming his skin as the ambient of the room rushed in to fill the silence. “Hyung, why are you like this? Aigooo… they’re going to think we’re weird”. The words tumbled out without permission, a frantic shield against the gravity of the moment.
“It’s okay, Xinnie. They already know that”, Leo said, his smirk deepening as a flush climbed Anxin’s neck. “Look at him, all cute”.
“No, stop. You always do that”, Anxin bristled. He didn’t want Leo to think he’s cute. He was a grown man, hardened by years of training, matured enough to face the world. He wanted to be treated as an adult.
“Sorry, cutie. It won’t happen again”, Leo’s voice dropped, a sudden sourness coating his tongue. The air between them shifted, turning heavy and brittle. Had he pushed too far? Anxin didn't like his jokes anymore? Was everything ok? He wondered if he had somehow misread the younger boy all long, that perhaps Anxin never truly liked the teasing. He forced the intrusive thoughts away, deciding he would settle this later, away from prying eyes of the world.
The rest of the interview passed in a blur of practiced laughter. To the audience, they were perfect. But inside, Anxin was fraying. The tremors in his hands refused to fade, his heart hammered against his ribs, his blood running cold and electric. He felt as though he could conjure lightning with a single touch. He handled the situation with a fragile majesty, almost tricking himself into believing he was alright.
Then the show ended and they rode back to the dorms. Geonwoo was dead to the world, his head heavy on Junseo's shoulders, and Junseo looked more comfortable than any bed in existence. In the back, Jiahao and Sangwon were whispering, their voices like the phantom remnants of a gaze that had lingered too long. Sanghyeon was glued to his phone, his thumb a blur as he scrolled through twitter, smiling at the digital roar of their fans. It was staggering, how much love was waiting for them behind a screen.
And right beside Anxin was Leo, the man who held the power to shift Anxin’s entire universe with a single look. He was staring out the window, his brow furrowed in a serious, distant expression. The silence between them felt wrong, jagged and almost sharp.
Anxin looked around again, seeking a distraction. Jiahao was still pressed close to Sangwon, they seemed to be sharing their own private world, far too occupied with each other to care about everything else. Junseo’s gaze was fixed on the sleeping Geonwoo, his fingers gently brushing a stray lock of hair away from Geonwoo’s eyes to make him more comfortable. Xinlong was lost in a game, and Sanghyeon… well, Sanghyeon was simply being Sanghyeon.
Anxin let out a long sigh, running his fingers through his damp hair to release the mounting pressure in his skull. He checked his watch, it was nearly midnight. He was exhausted, but the tension in his bones made him rigid as stone.
As they chased the darkness ahead, Anxin tried to look anywhere but at Leo. It didn’t work. It never worked. It was irritating how Leo could always pick apart the miserable crumbs of Anxin’s composure. He could see the way Anxin swallowed, the frantic blinking of his eyes, the way his muscles remained coiled like a spring, his fingers twitching.
“Is everything okay?” Leo broke the silence, his head turning slowly. “You’re acting weird today. You seem… too nervous”.
“I’m fine”, Anxin lied, his gaze fixed on the back of the seat in front of him.
“You’re not”. Leo turned fully toward him now, searching for a crack in the armor. “You know you don’t have to lie to me. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“I’m not lying”, he said, but his trembling fingers betrayed. “Trust me”.
“Why don’t you tell me? I can’t understand. We always talk when things get tough. Please, let me in. I want to help you”.
“Well, I don’t want your help. Are you good now? Is that what you wanted to hear?”, the words snapped out like a whip. “I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I don't feel comfortable sharing right now. Give me space”.
“Oh”, Leo said, his eyes shimmered. It was a flash of vulnerability so fast Anxin almost missed it, but the damage was done. Leo turned back to the window, his jaw tight as he forced the tears back. “Sorry”.
“It’s okay, it’s not that serious”, he replied, trying to clean the mess he’d made. “I just had a bad day, I’m sorry. You’re a good friend, Leo. I love our friendship. I’m sorry. Please, don’t take it to heart, alright? It’s not that serious though”.
“Yeah, it isn’t that serious. You’re right”. But Anxin could tell Leo was lying.
The rest of the journey was a dead, hollow silence. Leo didn’t look at Anxin even once, and Anxin was far too busy blaming himself for being an idiot. He felt like a fool who couldn’t even find the courage to tell Leo the truth about his feelings.
He wanted to scream, to tug his hair so hard until the frustration finally broke. How could Leo be so unaware? Hadn’t he been obvious enough? Desperate to drown out his own thoughts, he pulled out his phone and played a song, the volume so loud he half-expected to wake up deaf the next morning. He tried to close his eyes, to find even a second of sleep, but he was simply too uncomfortable in his own skin.
When they arrived, they filed out of the van in a heavy, collective silence. Geonwoo was suspended in that hazy space between being awake and asleep, so Junseo moved to support him, hooking an arm firmly around his waist and guiding him along with slow, patient steps. Jiahao and Sangwon followed, lost in their usual rhythm, acting as though they were the sole inhabitants of a tiny, private world, filled with secrets only the two of them could ever truly understand.
“You okay?”, Sanghyeon asked, bumping his shoulder against Anxin’s. “You look sick”.
“Wow, thank you for the compliment”, Anxin replied, his sarcasm as a reflex. “Sorry, I think I’m just tired, need a good night of sleep to get better”.
“Go take a shower”, Xinlong said. “I’ll cook something that reminds you of home”.
They stepped inside the building, Anxin’s bag felt impossibly heavy, a dead weight on his shoulder that he just wanted to drop and leave behind. They made their way to the apartment, the hallway was filled with the voices of Xinlong and Sanghyeon. They were both electric, buzzing with an energy Anxin couldn’t begin to fathom, how could they still be like that after a day that had drained him to his very core?
“Take a quick shower. Dinner will be ready soon”, Xinlong said, pointing a finger to Anxin, and then moving it to the bathroom door.
“Okay. Thank you, Long”, he replied and walked away.
He turned, his feet feeling heavy and lazy against the floor, his body already half-surrendered to sleep. He gathered his things from the bedroom and retreated to the bathroom, the mere thought of a warm, quiet shower felt like the only sanctuary left.
It was only then, in the sudden stillness of the hallway, that he realized he hadn’t heard a single sound from Leo. He didn’t even know if Leo had stepped out of the van or if he was still lingering in the dark.
Anyway, he told himself, trying to ignore the prickle of worry, that wasn’t his problem at all.
In the shower, he scrubbed every inch of his skin, letting the warm water drain the day’s anxiety into the porcelain. “Everything is fine,” he whispered to the steam.
“I’m at home. I’ll eat, and then I’ll sleep.”
But when he opened the bathroom door, Leo was there. He was standing right at the doorframe, waiting.
“Ugh… excuse me? I need to pass”, Anxin said, his damp hair dripping onto his shoulders.
Leo’s hand moved faster than sight, his fingers reaching out to wipe a stray bead of water from Anxin’s cheek.
“What are you doing?”, he asked, and Leo’s hand froze over his face. “I mean, why are you acting like that?”
“Your face was wet, you should dry your hair before you went out of the bathroom”.
“Okay”, Anxin said and tried to step away from there.
Leo didn’t move a muscle, quite opposite, he stayed right where he was.
“Leo…”.
“We need to talk”, he didn’t wait until Anxin finished his sentence. “And you know it”.
“I’m tired, I don’t want to talk”.
“Why are you pushing me away? Did I do something? Why are you avoiding me?”.
“I’m not”, Anxin lied, closing his eyes against a mounting headache. “I need to sleep and Xinlong is waiting for me. Please, let me go”.
“No”.
“No? What do you mean no?”.
“Anxin, you know you’re lying, I know you’re lying. Why can’t you be open to me? Why are you hiding from me?”.
“Well, maybe that’s just who I am!”.
“Is it?”.
“Maybe. And if you don’t like me this way, then there’s nothing I can do”.
“What if I do like you?”.
Anxin’s breath hitched. “What?”.
“What if I truly like you? Exactly as you are?”.
“Why are you lying to me?”Anxin's voice cracked.
“I am not”.
“Is this a joke to you?”.
“I’m being honest here. I, me, Lee Leo. I do like you. I have feelings for you. Lee Leo has feelings for Zhou Anxin”.
“That… it won’t work”, Anxin stuttered.
“Why?”
“I’m incapable of loving. No, I mean, it’s not that I don’t have feelings, I just can’t do that, not now”.
“What are you saying?”.
“What I just said”.
“It’s all nonsense. I don’t care”. Leo’s eyes were fierce.
“Nonsense? Leo, I’m going to push you away, that’s just who I am. I always end up hurting people”.
“Still nonsense. Did I ask you something? Did I ask you for your permission to feel this way?”.
Anxin was breathless, his mind a static-filled void.
“No, but you know —“.
“So why are you still talking if I haven’t asked you anything?”.
He was out of words. What? What was happening?
“Do you have feelings for me?” Leo asked, a spark of desperate hope in his eyes.
“Yes”.
“Romantic feelings?”.
“Yes”.
That was it. The gap vanished. Leo closed the distance, pinning Anxin against the cold bathroom wall. The kiss wasn't gentle, it was hungry, a desperate collision of two people starved for air.
Anxin let out a shattered sigh against Leo’s lips, and that was the end of Leo’s restraint. He tangled his fingers into Anxin’s wet hair, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them.
Anxin couldn't say no. His mind was a blue screen, empty, blurry, and blissfully silent. Nothing mattered but the heat of Leo pressing him against the ceramic tiles, the taste of him, the sheer weight of him.
It was only when Leo’s lips migrated to the sensitive skin of his neck that Anxin found his voice. He pushed Leo back just an inch, realizing the door was locked, he couldn't remember doing it.
“Leo… What did we do?”.
“Kissed. We kissed”, Leo replied, his breath ragged, thumbing a smear of saliva from the corner of his mouth. “Why?”.
“We shouldn’t have”.
“Why?”.
“We can’t do that”.
“Do you like me?”.
“Yes. Why?”.
“No, I mean. Do you have romantic feelings for me?”.
“Again? Yes, Leo”.
“Good. Because I like you back”.
“Yeah, we just talked about that”.
“It’s reciprocal”.
“Uh. Why are you talking about that all over again? We just had this conversation”.
“Because you like me back”, Leo repeated, as if it were the only fact that mattered in the world.
“And? We can’t do anything about it”.
“Have I asked you to do anything?”.
“No”.
“Have I told you I’m going to do something?”.
“No”.
“So why are you still talking?”.
Anxin stammered, “We just kissed”.
“And?”.
“You know, we can’t take it back”.
“Who said I wanted to?”.
“No. It’s just… I mean…”.
Leo leaned in, his lips inches from Anxin’s ear. “Did you hate it?”.
“No”.
“Me too. I loved it”.
Leo stepped back slightly, searching Anxin’s face. He looked needy, his muscles taut, his jaw tight, his lips swollen and red from the fury of their kiss.
“Can I kiss you again?” Leo asked.
Anxin froze. He looked at his hyung, really looked at him, seeing the way Leo was practically on his knees for him. He looked at the strength in Leo’s shoulders, the raw honesty in his eyes.
Why not?
“Please”, Anxin whispered.