Chapter Text
Zhou Anxin had always preferred tea to coffee.
But he went there anyway.
Every afternoon, after school let out, he kept going back without really knowing why.
Maybe it was the way his heart raced every time he pushed open the door, or the way he looked up every time the doorbell rang.
He wasn’t quite sure why, but he would walk into that café. It was very well known, although what truly drew everyone in was the one who prepared the drinks behind the counter.
He has very long bangs that fall over his eyes, a pretty face, as pretty as a girl’s, and he speaks slowly.
Anxin would order anything, even if it wasn’t what he wanted.
All for those few seconds when he could look into his eyes.
The first thing Anxin had noticed about him were his sad eyes, a weary gaze that was impossible to read, eyes from which poetry seemed to spring, as if they noticed details in things that others were unable to see. That was what caught his attention the most; no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t read him
What he felt that time wasn’t love at first sight, it was a quiet curiosity that took root in his chest. He saw his face, read the small name tag on his apron, and knew he had to reach him somehow.
To go unnoticed, he made his best friend accompany him there often, using the silliest excuse he could come up with on the spot.
But from the way 16 years old Anxin, with his round eyes, stared mesmerized at the boy behind the counter, or how he spent more time looking at the name the boy had written on the coffee cup than drinking the coffee itself, Zhang Jiahao knew they weren’t going there just for the coffee.
He hadn’t really asked himself even once why he kept returning to the shop as if it were second nature, his feet simply carried him there, a direction as familiar to him as his reflection in the mirror. It wasn’t until Jiahao brought up the topic of falling in love that his peace was disturbed
He wasn't in love, not at all.
The fact that he went to the same coffee shop every day after school didn't mean anything.
It's true that there were many coffee shops in the city, but this one was "on his way." Sort of...
Besides, it wasn't unusual for him to know exactly what time employee Lee Sangwon changed shifts. Everyone knew that Anxin was a very attentive and observant person when it came to her surroundings, nothing more.
It might also be true that he asked Jiahao to check his appearance before going in.
And yes, he also practiced what he was going to order and how he was going to say it... but that was because his korean wasn’t very good, he didn’t want to stumble over her words and ruin his order.
It had nothing to do with the guy, not at all, he told himself, but the very image of him offering a practiced smile and slowly saying, “Thank you for your order,” wouldn’t leave his mind, even as he walked away from the café
Anxin tried to explain himself, shrugging and furrowing his brow deeply.
–It’s not that I like him, it’s just that… he seems like an interesting person. He looks at others as if he’s hiding something– as if he were screaming for someone to find him, he thought to himself.
As if the real person were hidden somewhere inside his body, and Anxin wanted to be the one to find him, he wanted to uncover his mysteries.
Sangwon had the face of someone begging to be saved, and it was in Anxin’s nature to live to bring joy to others, his whole life had been diligently devoted to helping others.
But at the same time, Sangwon’s nature was as clear as water, the freshness latent in the way he moved and expressed himself with that unhurried voice, true to his own rhythm, without rushing for others’ sake. Anxin wondered if he could ever be as genuine with himself as Sangwon was.
He was convinced that the kind of confidence Sangwon exuded had taken years to achieve, a long journey to build.
Jiahao kept teasing him, and Anxin kept trying to deny it.
But for some reason, that night he couldn’t sleep, thinking about what Jiahao had said to him.
It had been on his mind day and night.
It had been on his mind for so long that he couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Not wanting to admit defeat so quickly, he decided to ask He Xinlong, his deskmate, first. He was also Chinese but had lived most of his life in Korea, though he didn’t speak the language much better than he did.
Their relationship was very different from the one he had with Jiahao, much less serious.
The first time their eyes met, even though they didn’t know each other, it made them both burst out laughing for no particular reason. So, as you can imagine, it was very difficult to talk to him about topics like that.
He tried to give it a shot, but had to endure a couple of teasing remarks before he started bombarding him with questions.
“Who is she? What school does she go to? How did you two meet?”
And Anxin had forgotten to mention the details of the matter to him:
That he wasn’t a girl;
That he had graduated from high school several years ago;
And that Sangwon simply saw him as a regular customer at his café.
He answered those questions in his head. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Xinlong enough to tell him, but it was too much information to reveal all at once; just thinking about it overwhelmed him.
So he had no choice but to swallow his pride and turn to Jiahao
He had met the older guy when he first arrived in Korea, naturally, because of their similar situations, both trying to survive in a foreign country, despite the small age difference, they became close quickly. Anxin would be lying if he said he hadn’t developed a little crush on him at first; that was the effect Jiahao had on people, he attracted them without even trying
And Jiahao, despite being only a year older than Anxin, had much more experience than him, far more than the average 17-year-old boy has
It was no secret that the shy Chinese senior, who couldn’t hold anyone’s gaze, whose voice was so soft it barely stirred the air, and who never participated in class, was also, unexpectedly, quite promiscuous.
Anxin didn’t judge him, he knew full well that these things happened in all boys’ schools.
But his hyung talked about so many boys so often that Anxin sometimes forgot their names.
He was the right person for this task, since they were the only ones left in the classroom during recess, and taking advantage of the fact that Xinlong was distracted, he dropped the bomb he’d been holding in his chest.
–Hao ge… in the hypothetical case that I did like Li Xiangyuan, how could I get his attention?– he whispered speaking in codes.
As the other person pondered the question near his ear, Jiahao flashed him a smile of perfect teeth, symbolizing a silent “I told you so.”
–Hmm... I'm not sure,– he said, testing the younger man's patience in a deliberately measured Mandarin.
Jiahao himself hadn't brought up the subject again because he knew Anxin just needed time to process it and would come to him on his own.
–Let’s see, he looks a bit delicate,– he continued, analyzing the situation more than necessary on purpose, testing the waters to see how far the other guy would take this, to see how sensitive the topic was for him, what place it held in his life, and how much Sangwon meant to Anxin.
–He looks like the kind of guy who likes someone rough, someone who can take care of him, with tattoos and piercings– a little smile playing on his lips, unable to hide what he was up to.
–Oh, and he definitely prefers someone older–
Anxin let out an ironic sigh, without a shred of humor.
–That really motivates me, ge, thanks,– he remarked sarcastically.
The older of the two couldn’t help but laugh with a hint of mischief, annoying the other even more. Just as he was about to grab his things and leave, Jiahao spoke to him again.
–That’s a hypothetical scenario. But I’m sure he’d make an exception for you, i know that look, he looks at you weird–
"He looks at you weird."
Hearing that comment, and whatever it might have meant, was enough to spark a glimmer of hope in his heart.
Anxin was always mistaken for an extrovert, since once he felt comfortable, he was loud and playful, but he usually had a hard time being the one to speak first to someone, especially when that person had the prettiest face Anxin had ever seen
It was an impossible task to breathe normally in front of those features that were somewhere between feminine and masculine, making it hard to tell whether he was a man or a woman, giving him that androgynous look, defying all established norms, otherworldly, turning him into something unidentified, unreal.
Because that’s how far removed Anxin felt from Sangwon’s inescapable humanity.
He walked in, as always, trying to look calm.
He wasn’t.
He was never calm when Sangwon was there.
He lowered his gaze as he approached the counter, going over in his head what he was going to say, as if ordering a coffee were the most complicated thing in the world.
–The usual?–
He rested a hand on the counter, forcing Anxin to look up, bursting the bubble he was floating in, ruining everything he had carefully organized in his head
He didn’t know why Sangwon kept saying that to him, since he never ordered the same thing.
–Yeah…– he replied, more on autopilot than anything else.
–I mean, no. Well… yes.–
Great. We’re off to a great start.
The guy at the coffee shop raised an eyebrow, holding back a smile.
That was it.
The guy’s aura was what made his legs tremble and his words stumble when he spoke; just seeing that expression on his face, that determination was what made Anxin’s lower abdomen burn. That unjustifiable self-assurance surely made everyone turn their heads when he walked into a room; it would fascinate anyone.
–Yes or no?–
–Yes,– he finally decided. –The usual.–
He had not a single idea what “the usual” was, because almost every time he came in, he was so busy looking at the barista Lee Sangwon that he didn’t really pay attention to what he was ordering.
He would take a single sip of whatever drink it was, one that never quite turned out to be to his liking, and then handed it to Jiahao so he could finish the rest of it.
But there was no time left to think things through, he had to improvise on the fly.
The other man nodded, turning to prepare the order.
Sangwon’s slender wrists, adorned with rings and subtle jewelry, stirred the drinks, moving lightly through the space.
Anxin bit his lip, searching for the right words; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this nervous.
Sangwon’s nails were painted a soft sky blue
He wanted to mention it, wanted to tell him how well it suited him, how perfectly it matched his vibe
He felt his ears growing hot, probably already flushed a humiliating shade of red, whether from the handsome guy standing in front of him or the three new piercings he’d gotten the day before
Silence.
Too much silence.
Say something, say something normal, just don’t say anything weird.
–It looks good on you…– he blurted out suddenly.
Silence again.
He’d just flirted with him.
Or something like that.
The other guy turned completely around, setting his glass down in front of him.
–What?–
he asked.
Anxin isn’t sure if he likes the way Sangwon is looking at him, like he’s stabbing knives into his eyes, as if he could pierce right through his body. It causes a suffocating heat in his chest, which makes it hard for him to speak.
Anxin succumbed to fear, unable to finish his main thought
He took a step back
–The… job,– he said too quickly, blurting out the first thing that crossed his mind without thinking it through enough. –I mean, working here. You look good working here.–
In his head it made perfect sense, but out loud it sounded different.
It sounded stupid.
Sangwon shook his head, laughing softly.
–Thanks… I guess.–
Just how red was his face at that moment?
–You’re welcome,–
he murmured, looking at anything but him.
Silence reigned over the place once again
–They look really good on you, Anxin.– Sangwon took the lead in the awkward conversation this time, and Anxin’s heart couldn’t beat any faster; hearing his name come out of Sangwon’s mouth sounded so much better than when he usually heard it
–W-what?– His voice betrayed him
–The new piercings,–
he remarked calmly,
as if it were the most casual thing in the world.
As he gave him the sweetest of smiles, he had no idea of the impact it had on Anxin, of the disaster it could wreak on his psyche.
Anxin smiled, mimicking the expression as if under a spell, completely forgetting how to breathe.
Fucking Jiahao, he was right about everything he’d said about Sangwon
He liked people with piercings
And he definitely looked at him weirdly
He made a mental note of Sangwon’s three front teeth, which he’d just noticed.
How could he have missed them for so long?
If he was an animal, he’d definitely be a little bunny.
He was so captivated by the sight that he didn’t even notice when the other guy handed him his coffee.
He grabbed the cup while managing a clumsy, brief bow as best he could.
He took a sip.
Horrible.
The caffeine in contact with his taste buds hit him like a truck, he wished his disgust wasn't so obvious.
–Thanks for your order.–
How many afternoons had he already spent wasting money on drinks he didn’t enjoy?
It didn’t matter, because when he looked up again, the guy was still giving him that look and smiling.
The following days weren't much different.
Anxin trying to flirt with Sangwon and failing miserably in the attempt.
He struck up conversations with him, asked somewhat intrusive questions, testing how far he could go as he grew more comfortable. And, as mentioned earlier in the text, once he felt at ease, he became increasingly loud and playful, wanting more and more from him.
Day after day, Sangwon simply did his job. His hands, with their long, defined fingers, moved quickly back and forth, spinning rapidly as he finished each cup with perfect latte art. But Anxin, without a shred of shame, took advantage of the moment their hands brushed when Sangwon handed him the coffee, lingering for a few seconds longer than necessary, caressing it
He had even asked him, without really understanding how calling signs worked in Korean (or maybe pretending not to), if he could call him hyung.
Sangwon had replied by brushing his long bangs behind his ear.
"Of course, Anxin.”
Polite, without questioning it, as always handling the situation with caution
At times, Anxin felt that Sangwon was going to let him into his life, that his questions were welcome and that his touch was reciprocated, that tension was building in the room. But in the end, Sangwon always set that boundary that forced him to back off.
That only made him want to be even more shameless, more capricious; he was going to find a way to get under his skin somehow.
Lee Sangwon would occasionally flash his three rabbit-like teeth in a smile. And that was perhaps his best progress with him.
It was easy for him to love him; the words and gestures of that man named Sangwon seemed to possess a unique charm, one he never grew tired of and that kept pulling Zhou Anxin closer and closer to the edge.
Perhaps it was all because Anxin had placed Sangwon on the highest pedestal, dehumanizing him as his absolute truth and sole focus, yet he always felt like he was intruding into a space that wasn't to his occupy.
Sangwon always seemed to be one step ahead, further away, more out of reach, more impossible.
–Hao-ge, why doesn't anything I do seem to work?–
Hao rolled his eyes, hearing the same old conversation again.
–What do you want me to do about that?–
Anxin complained even more at the other’s coldness
–I need your help. What else can I do? I already told you I feel like he sees me as a little kid, you weren’t listening to me, Hao-ge!–
Anxin whined, and his Hao-ge rubbed his temples in frustation, listening to him talk about the same barista for the fifteenth time that morning, and the morning before, and every morning for the past month.
Already fed up with the situation a glint of mischief flashed his eyes before making his next move
–You know what Anxin, I think I do have the solution to your problem– he said with an innocent little smile that never left his face.
–All you need is this.–
Anxin looked at him expectantly, his brow deeply furrowed—that expression had already became his trademark. Meanwhile, Jiahao was eagerly searching something through the depths of his backpack.
–Here it is!–
He pulled out the item he was looking for and held it up in the air like a soldier’s head, leaving the other speechless.
Anxin quickly looked around.
One person looking at them, then two.
Then the entire hallway.
The sentences wouldn't form properly in his head, and the words couldn't find their way out of his mouth.
He didn't have time to protest before Jiahao was already slipping a condom into his coat pocket.
When he caught his breath to answer, the other guy cut him off again.
–Oh! I forgot this, you’ll need it, believe it or not.–
He pulled out a small packet of lube, which he proceeded to tuck back into the same spot in his uniform.
He wasn’t even going to ask why he was carrying that around so casually, or how he had the nerve to hand it to him right there with a chuckle, as if it were the most innocent joke in the world.
Anxin stared at him indignantly, determined to snap back. His mouth was open, but the words wouldn’t come out, he couldn’t form a single coherent sentence with the stares of the people around them beginning to weigh on him.
Eventually, he lowered his head in embarrassment, a sudden flush setting his face ablaze.
And with that, Jiahao knew he would keep him quiet for the rest of the morning.
Sangwon started to notice it after a few days.
The same uniform, at the same time, and
the same failed attempt to look casual
The way he fidgeted with his hands, not quite sure where to put them
Brushing against him in ways that pretended to be accidental
The way he held his gaze a little longer than necessary, only to drop it the moment Sangwon met it, as if it burned.
It wasn’t hard to notice.
What he didn’t understand was why, every time he showed up, ever since the first time he’d come in, he found himself getting nervous too
“Zhou Anxin.”
That was his name.
He had memorized the characters perfectly after writing them over and over on the back of the cups he handed him every day.
Sangwon was always leaning against the bar and staring through the clear glass, as if he were looking for something on the other side, just like he was right now.
Zhou Anxin, who was walking by, turned his head and caught him looking at him.
No matter how hard he tried to look away, his eyes kept drifting back to him.
There was no way to ignore him.
He wears a lot of shiny earrings in his ear, it seemed like every time he saw him, he had a new piercing.
Sangwon knew exactly why.
He vividly remembered the impact it had on him the first time he saw him. And even though he saw him every day, he never got tired of looking at his face.
He wasn’t going to start describing it because he’d never finish, but in short, it was like a mix of every poetry book he’d ever read.
That very first day Sangwon saw him, he dreamed of his face that night.
It was the first time in years he had dreamed of something different.
He reminded him of someone
of a version of himself he would rather forget.
Of the hallways of his school, and of someone who had never quite loved him back.
He couldn't lie, he couldn't hide it, his whole being gave him away. At first, being around Anxin made him uncomfortable, it even annoyed him a little. That enthusiasm with which he rang the bell when he entered, or the passion with which his words were spoken.
It reminded him of who he used to be, before everything.
It felt strange to be with Anxin, because it was as if the tables had turned, as if he was on his place now
But there was also something about Anxin calling him “hyung” with that soft voice that always made Sangwon feel older and, in some way, responsible. He simply couldn’t help but want to be a little kinder to him
Even if he wouldn’t admit it, his heart ached a little every time he saw how hard Anxin tried to get his attention, to be more than just a younger brother to him.
Just as he had once tried to do the same with Leo.
Leo was only three years older than him
But during their teenage years, when their story began, the age difference becomes quite noticeable
At that age, you’re like a sponge, soaking up all the information around you and internalizing it; you’re, in a way, malleable
They’d known each other their whole lives; more than that, they didn’t know how to live without each other.
They never truly became anything. During their first time Sangwon didn’t even fully understand what they were doing, or where it was leading, but as long as he was there with Leo, it was fine, no matter how bitter the taste of the journey might be.
–Do you have to leave? Why so suddenly?–
He wasn't asking him to stay; he couldn't put it into words properly back then, but he hoped the look he gave him would be enough for him to understand.
It was the day after Leo’s graduation when he told him he was moving back to Australia
That day was the day Sangwon died
Maybe, if they had never seen each other again, he could have gotten over it
The first time he came back, Sangwon was already of age. They met at a hotel.
Sangwon remembered that instant he saw him and the long sight of relief that escaped his lips, a feeling as satisfying as finding an object he had lost years ago, as if blood began to flow through his veins again, as if his soul was returning to his body
They went straight to sex, Sangwon treasured that delicate, momentary touch as if it were the greatest proof of love, trembling with every caress, his heart swelling with false hopes.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms. Sangwon had long considered himself dead while still alive, but if he had to choose a place to die, it would be there, with those arms wrapped around him.
It was the conversation that followed that made the tears spill uncontrollably.
–Hyung… you can’t leave.–
–I won’t.–
–You really can’t leave again.–
–I know.–
It brought him an emotional relief that held him together just right, a peace of mind that let him sleep through the night
The next morning, Sangwon woke up alone in bed, the story repeating itself.
If they hadn’t seen each other again after that, he couldn’t say he would have gotten over it, but perhaps he would have learned to live without him.
After losing count of their fleeting encounters, he resigned himself to living there; clinging to the shadow of whatever that was.
That’s how Sangwon moved through life, as if in a memory, half here and half somewhere else, carrying past feelings he no longer even knew how to name
They say letting go is also a form of love, but no one talks about how hard it is to close the door when a part of you still hopes they’ll knock one more time.
Every now and then, he would remember the way Leo had smiled at him before leaving the first time, and it made Sangwon want to vomit. He wanted to vomit everytime he remembered how his past still echoed in his present.
His attention wandered as he heard the coffee maker roar, and he decided not to follow that thought any further
The boy in front of him
Stammering incoherent compliments that he left unfinished, with a blush so prominent it spread all the way to his neck
He was way too young for him, not his type at all.
But he wasn’t going to lie: the slightly crooked little fang in his mouth was endearing beyond measure, and the way it paired with the single dimple adorning his cheek was exquisite. . Before he knew it, he’d grown accustomed to the warmth with which he welcomed him every day.
Above all, there was something different in his gaze, far from subtle, that much was certain, that made him feel indebted.
Of course, Anxin’s gaze desired him, and he knew it, but he was also sure that he wasn’t trying to take anything from him.
His gaze burned, but it didn't scorch
It was a careful look that enveloped him like a coat.
It made him feel strangely wanted, not in a lustful way, that kind of gaze he certainly knew.
Sangwon was well aware of who he was and how he appeared to others. Anxin didn’t behave much differently from the other girls and boys who stood behind that counter every day, flirting with him in the same shameless way, trying to possess his body or his heart
But Anxin, on the other hand, studied him as if he was a painting, genuinely interested in him. perhaps it was because of the boy’s inexperienced youth. But he didn’t look at him that way, not as if he was trying to seduce him, but as if he was constantly trying to figure him out, to understan him, to read from him.
And that, in part, terrified him.
It made him take a step back, hold himself in, refrain from any other possibility take shape in his life, from letting anyone in at all.
He was already used to this. Resigned to living this way
The routine, the rushed mornings, the orders, the bad habits, the same feelings as before, the same old faces
Until one stopped being like the others.
With each passing day, this one pulled him further out of that comfortable place he had put himself in
Sangwon knew he had to stop waiting, that time wasn’t going to come back, that he shouldn’t resist growing up
And so the day came when he decided to give in to temptation
It was a few minutes past Anxin’s usual time
The bell rang
The sound echoed in his ears as if it was out of tune, off-key
It was Leo
It had been about two or three months since the last time he’d seen him, a few days before the sudden appearance of the young Zhou Anxin in his life.
A bunch of knots twisted in his stomach when he saw him.
It was truly amazing how, even after knowing him for year, he still couldn’t look him in the eyes for long, like he still admired him the way he did as a kid, like he was still stuck in the crush phase, like he’d never been able to move past it.
–Sangwon, you look great today~–
A smile spread across his face before he could stop it
Leo’s compliments always made him especially happy, he wanted to be worthy of them.
They chatted casually for a few minutes, catching up, laughing loudly, as if they were two best friends.
But the familiar ease with which he carried himself had nothing to do with the most bitter venom spewing from his mouth.
–Do you want to come over to my place after your shift?– he said.
He wasn’t going to go. Not this time.
–Geonwoo, can you cover my shift for me today, please?– he said anyways to the guy he shared shifts with at the café.
Surprisingly, even to himself, he didn’t go to his place that day.
But he smoked the entire pack of cigarettes.
Don’t be mistaken, Leo wasn’t the villain of the story.
Leo waited to see Sangwon just as much as Sangwon waited for Leo’s return, they were both the mutual object of their own bad and repetitive behavior
Sometimes it was Sangwon who would text him his location, and they would have quick sex in the nearest bathroom without exchanging a single word.
That’s how they operated, the rest of the time, they acted like best friends and pretended nothing had happened.
They were the only thing they had left from the past, and they clung to it tightly.
What they had wasn’t, isn't, and would never be love, he had admitted and accepted that in his heart a long time ago. And they were both supposed to be okay with that.
But suddenly, Sangwon wasn’t sure if he could endure it forever, if he could keep settling for just a little of him instead of everything.
To tolerate it, to wait for a moment that never comes, and then keep waiting even after that,
gradually, it makes you lose your composure.
His whole life, he had followed Leo wherever the other led him without question, genuinely comfortable, happy, and satisfied in those moments, even if they only involved sharing the same air as him.
Now, for some reason he still couldn’t figure out, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep living his whole life like that
Not after having that look in his favor, a look that seemed to ask for every corner of him
He was still unsure, it was likely he only wanted to take out his past anger on someone else, on someone who now occupied the place that used to be his.
But that was the first time the idea didn’t entirely displease him.
The next day, Zhou Anxin walked into the place, ringing the bell as usual.
But there was definitely something in the air that day, because he wasn’t at all used to what happened next.
–Hey, Anxinnie, the usual?–
the brown-haired boy with the cold smiles said from across the counter.
"Anxinnie"
The nickname made his heart stop for a second; his cognitive apparatus paused in his head and wouldn’t let him string his thoughts together, he could only manage to nod at the question.
He ordered the same as always, just like any other day.
But with every passing second, he realized this wasn’t a day like any other.
This time it was Sangwon who touched his hand for a second longer than usual as he handed him the coffee. Something was definitely off.
–Do you need anything else?– he asked, his head tilted slightly, looking at him with those eyes that seemed to scan him beyond his skin and bones.
The way he looked at him usually cutts off every train of thought on his head, made his stomach tighten and made him want to run away as fast as possible from wherever he was standing. Like right now.
But maybe that thing in the air was affecting him too.
Today he didn’t want to leave so quickly.
He doesn’t know where the courage came from to pull the words out of his mouth and ask for something else—he ordered a pastry.
He had always wanted to try them, but he had never dared to.
He took a deep breath; the sweet aroma of the bakery floating around the air was stronger than usual. Maybe that was what made today different from any other day.
In a matter of minutes, Sangwon brought him the puff pastry on a tray to the small table where he had sat down.
Anxin looked at him there, holding his chin with his hand, a smile on his lips, the dimple that didn’t take long to appear on his cheek.
His cheeks were still round from adolescence. It was a loud smile, capable of warming the air.
The smile on his face turned into surprise the moment the plate was placed in front of him.
–Wow… it looks really good,–he exclaimed, his eyes wide.
Anxin thanked him for the food and thought that was all for today.
But Sangwon, with just a faint smile, relaxed his posture and slipped his hands into the pockets of his apron, as if waiting for something.
–Try it. I want to know what you think.–
Again, he was looking at him weird
His ears were burning, and his heart was pounding as if he was witnessing the Second Coming of Jesus.
That glimmer of hope again
How could something so small put him in such a good mood?
He set out to take a big bite of the pastry and the taste that filled his mouth for the first time was exactly to his liking.
Sangwon saw the instant change in his face when the first bite entered his mouth, how his eyes widened even more and his face lit up with life.
That was his favorite version of Anxin so far; mouth full, gaze overflowing with sweetness.
After that, Anxin couldn’t stop praising the food, stretching the interaction between them for as long as he could.
So many lovely compliments that went unheeded, because the perfectionist Lee Sangwon had been distracted for a while by the crumbs at the corner of his mouth
–Anxin-ah…–he interrupted him, and Anxin swallowed his food dry
–You’ve got something there, wait–
Was this even moral, what he was doing?
Honestly, he didn’t think it through before wetting his finger with saliva and running it along the corners of the other's mouth.
Those corners, which had been curled upward, slowly dropped in surprise, his eyes widening even further, if that was even possible.
Time stood still for a moment for Anxin, the sugary aroma intoxicating his senses, making him even more hyper-aware of where he was, of every tiny movement, of just how close they were.
-Done... sorry, you had a bit of pastry there-
But they were already too many good thing happening to Anxin today
So when Sangwon spoke again, he snapped out of his trance. On edge and struggling with his nerves, he jumped in place
That’s how he managed to empty the entire drink, spilling it all over himself
He hated himself for it; the touch of the cold soda on his skin made him even more tense
How could something so small put him in such a bad mood?
He apologized so many times that the word started to feel strange in his mouth
And no matter how many napkins Sangwon gave him, they weren’t enough to wipe away the stain—a stain that would remain permanently etched in his mind every night before he went to sleep
He shook his hands, refusing when Lee Sangwon offered him another napkin.
–It’s not going to come out. I’m going to have to go home and change… Sorry for causing you trouble Sangwon hyung–
Sangwon was getting a bit too bold today.
Everything had felt like too much lately. Maybe it was the constant clinking of cups during rush hour, or the coffee machine that wouldn’t stop roaring, or the sweet, and more than anything bitter aroma that clung to his clothes as if it never wanted to leave.
Or his new problem, which was the sad, pure gaze of the teenager in the ruined uniform standing infront of him.
Everything was pushing him past his limits today, but that was without a doubt the last straw.
–I have a change of clothes in the storage room. Do you want to go get them?–
Anxin stared at him blankly for a few moments before agreeing.
He didn’t understand how they’d ended up there. Sangwon led the way, awkwardly silent; his wet clothes made him feel even more uncomfortable and out of place.
Sangwon turned on the light, and the space was so small that it barely fit an old sofa, a shelf with spare parts, and some stored merchandise.
The lights in the cramped space suddenly flickered, and Zhou Anxin, acting on impulse and like a scaredy-cat, grabbed tightly onto Sangwon’s back.
Sangwon himself flinched too, not only by the touch of the arms on his back, which then slid down to wrap around his waist, but also by the dampness of Anxin’s clothes, which was beginning to seep into his own.
He didn't know what to do or how to say it
–Anxin-ah… you’re getting me dirty.–
–I’m sorry, hyung!– he replied on reflex, though he didn’t truly mean it at all.
Despite the order, he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. Especially not when the afternoon sunlight, just about to disappear into sunset, streamed through a small window, perfectly illuminating Sangwon.
Standing so close, with their similar heights, he could see the strong lines of his jaw and his long eyelashes. His body didn’t want to move a single millimeter away from that image.
The situation more awkward than exciting
He was taking in the view as if it were heavenly until Sangwon turned halfway around, trying to wriggle free from the other’s arms
–Come on, take that off–
he said in a tone of an older brother that sounded strange even to himself, making him wonder what was he even doing with him there in the first place
No matter how much Anxin flirted with him, trying to look older, he still had that childlike innocence who is just discovering the world, who looks at him as if he were his entire world
Because on Sangwon’s side, he do was looking at him as if he wanted to get something from him, and the imbalance between of it all was eating him up.
Anxin was a sweet boy who wanted to please him, wanted him to like him, and it showed. Being in that position also made Sangwon want to corrupt him too, and the idea felt so foreign that he didn’t recognize himself
He helped him take off the soaked school uniform jacket he was wearing
He was about to give up on his intentions, which even he wasn’t entirely clear about, when he saw something slip out of the coat by accident
A condom, followed by a small packet of lube.
He stared at the floor for a few seconds
and slowly looked up at Anxin, whose face was gradually turning a deep red, his shoulders raised as if trying to make himself smaller.
Something clicked in his head.
The earlier reflection faded from his head, sanity grudually left his body
The temperature in the room rose suddenly.
Sangwon stepped forward; Anxin stepped back.
They moved in that rhythm until they were pressed against the wall.
Little, innocent Anxin, that subtle, covert flirtation, drawing information from him, provoking him, subduing him indirectly,'didn’t seem like anything more than a game, but there was the proof of his mistake.
He suddenly felt the urge to rip all his clothes off and see if he dared to remain so shameless while naked.
Sangwon approached shamelessly, going to claim what his gaze so desperately wanted from Anxin; he leaned in, pretending to whisper in his ear, gave him a chaste kiss on the neck, and said
–Aren’t you a little young for this, Zhou Anxin?–His voice wasn’t deep, but it was honeyed, and his hot breath brushing against him stirred many things in Anxin’s body
He took a deep breath in that hidden spot at Anxin’s neck, savoring the moment. He was holding him by the arm, and he could faintly feel his skin prickle as he exhaled. And he clearly heard the faint moan that slipped out of his mouth.
Anxin felt as if it weren’t real, and at the same time, he was hyperaware of every breath and movement in his body.
Sangwon pulled away briefly to gather the evidence in his hands.
–What’s this?– he asked, holding the condoms with his face very close to the other’s.
Anxin could only choke out meaningless words and excuses that didn’t come to mind.
Sangwon expressed himself with such a confidence that the first time Anxin saw him, he felt scared. just like he did right now.
Sangwon has that spark that people like that have, it’s powerful and hits you hard; it’s authentic.
In reality, Anxin was very scared.
No matter how much he looked at him, he couldn’t get used to the perfect shapes of his face, and the way it intimidated him and scrambled his words in his throat. The closeness between them didn’t help in the slightest; he felt humiliated, and Sangwon surely thought he was a fool.
And his own mind wasn’t at peace either; he felt foolish that the, most of all uncomfortable, and heated situation was already making something other than his heart race
His body trembled involuntarily when Sangwon began to lift his shirt in search of his waist, which his hand gripped and possesed.
The contact of his hot skin against the icy wall made the sensory experience three times as alarming.
As if that weren’t enough, Sangwon rested his forehead against his and slowly dissect every one of his features. Anxin didn’t know where to look, he felt exposed, even with his clothes still on.
–How cheeky. You were already cheeky enough coming to the café every day to flirt with me.–
The older boy innocent looking eyes sparkled with amusement and something so dark it made Anxin’s throat go dry, something so deep that Anxin was still too young to grasp.
He felt his cheeks burning, he felt overwhelmed and scared, but he didn’t resist. He had so much to say and didn’t know why he couldn’t bring himself to answer, why he let it happen. He used to take the initiative, he wasn’t usually like this, not with Sangwon.
Still, he had no way to deny the accusation. After all, it’s not like he hadn’t dreamed of this moment with a hand between his tights late at night
For a moment, albeit a brief one, Sangwon wondered if it was right to follow his instincts like an animal, but on the other hand, he couldn't help to look at a pretty face and not wanting to devour it, his senses growing hazy
And that’s exactly what he did: he stuck out his tongue and devoured Anxin’s long neck with deliberate slowness, while Anxin swallowed so hard that Sangwon could actually hear it.
His hands didn’t stay still for much longer either, with that smooth calmness that characterized him, he unbuttoned Anxin’s wet shirt and ran his hands over his entire torso at his own will
Anxin felt like the luckiest person in the world, yet at the same time he was deeply awkward and terrified.
But Sangwon, with kisses dispersed across his neck and slow caresses, gradually coax to calm on Anxin’s body. Little by little, he separated him from reality, making him surrender.
The calm lasted only briefly when Sangwon tugged at the perfectly tied tie and breathed on the other’s face.
Then he placed his knee dangerously between the younger man’s legs, causing him to let out a sort of muffled cry at the contact
Sangwon returned to his neck, eating from it, sucking, licking, and biting to his heart’s content, making Anxin sigh, it seemed as if he was about to fall apart right in front of him at any moment.
He spent a particularly long time on the pulse point between his neck and jaw, absorbing hard there, just to feel how rapidly it was beating.
Sangwon’s playful hands helped him take off his shirt and tie completely, tacing the contours of his chest with a dreamy-like touch before quickly finding their way to his nipples; he pinched them between his fingers and felt, loud and clear, Anxin’s entire body tense up
Feeling successful, he continued with the task, wet kisses down his neck and now descending to his prominent collarbones, while with one hand he touched his nipple and with the other held him by the stomach, feeling under his palm how his body compressed and his breathing became inconsistent
Anxin grabbed him by the shoulders, seeking some kind of stability.
–Anxin… you’re trembling.–
–You’re tickling me, hyung– he replied, not fully aware of what he was saying or what he was feeling.
Anxin had never felt this way before, he was overloaded, he felt hands all over him, and the erection inside his pants hurts.
–Don’t you touch yourself like this?–
In response, Anxin tightened te grip on his shoulders even more, far too distracted to think about anything beyond the fondling on him, he was enjoying the caresses so much that, between whimpers, he could barely get a word out.
The young man’s nipples were far too sensitive
When he released his hand, they were already red and swollen, standing there looking pitiful. Lee Sangwon showed no mercy at the desperate look on Anxin’s face, with two fingers, he pinched the nipples and rubbed them, sometimes pressing them and other times pulling them, and the rarely stimulated erogenous zone caused Anxin to twitch
It didn’t take long before Anxin wrapped his legs around his thigh and began clinging and rubbing himself against it.
The friction between his legs feels too good, he feels himself losing his mind and an uncontrollable desire
–Sangwon hyung, I need you to…–
What he feels is an undefined need, he wants something more, he wants more of something he can’t explain or make tangible
–What? What do you need, Anxin?–
Anxin looks at him without answer, his eyes glassy with a longing he can’t describe, he longs for Sangwon to touch him, he longs for–
–Don’t you know what you want?–
He looks at him with a half smile. Anxin wants to hide under a rock and never come out again. Sangwon must have noticed long ago that he’s a virgin, given how he goes crazy at the mere touch of his tongue.
And thank God, that hand subtly slides down his abdomen and doesn’t make him ask for it out loud, since he can barely even bring himself to think it.
–Can I?–
he asks before unbuttoning his pants; Anxin nods frantically
Sangwon pulls down his pants
Once almost naked and taking in the view, the first thing he thought was that Anxin looked young, very young, a blank canvas, dizzy and sighing in front of him, the hickey forming at the pulse point on his neck like a drop of purple ink that accidentally fell onto a sheet of white rice paper
Turning his body into a beautiful mess of colors
He didn’t know how long he’d been looking at him or why he cherished the moment so much, he wanted to hold him like that without saying a word, to hold the most vulnerable part of him and protect him from the rest. Sangwon was thin, people always told him so, but Anxin was so thin that Sangwon feared if the wind blew too hard, it would carry him away
He was dazzled by the sight and traced the prominent bones of his hips in a trance, feeling a shiver run through his body at response; then he lowered his hand a little further and traced the length of his member with his index finger in a slow, steady motion. it was pure torture
Suddenly, and contrary to the barely perceptible touch before, his slender wrists moved to completely envelop the member over the boxers, and with his thumb he delicately began to caress the throbbing, pink, and swollen glans that begged to be released, a pool of pre-cum coating the thin fabric.
–Agh... hyung–
Anxin bit his lips so hard they looked like they were about to bleed
-You’re leaking as much as a girl, Anxin-
The precise yet insufficient movements on his most sensitive spot didn’t stop; instead, they increased, and Anxin could only writhe.
–Do you like me that much?–
That calm look his eyes always had didn’t match the things he was saying to him without a shred of modesty.
Without waiting a second longer, Sangwon slipped his hand inside Anxin’s boxers, holding him properly; even Anxin didn’t expect the shaky sigh of satisfaction that escaped his lips.
He began to move his hand, the moisture that had been building up there from the start made everything easier, and the skill with which Sangwon handled his body made him feel like he was in a dream, half awake and half dreaming.
Anxin had no idea that being touched by another person could feel this good, this real. Tho this wasn’t just about the touch, but about who was providing it.
Sangwon wouldn't leave his nipples alone, he smeared them with the sticky juices of his own natural lubrication, and that made Anxin impossibly more aroused
And the movements of his wrist on his lower body were just like him—delicate, ethereal, brief; they were there, and yet they weren’t. Each time they grew slower, testing his patience, and this was suffocating him. He felt his dick pulsing in his other hand, all the blood in his body concentrated there
Anxin instinctively thrust his hips forward, seeking more contact, fucking Sangwon’s hands.
Then he did it again, and again, and kept doing it erratically until he felt his knees go weak; the only thing filling the tiny room were his small, gasping sounds as he tried to catch his breath.
He wanted to run away from there and at the same time he wanted to live in that moment forever
Anxin was desperate, and when the sounds slipping his mouth became too obvious, he wrapped his arms around Sangwon’s shoulders, burying his head there, ashamed. It felt good but also foolish, out of control in front of Sangwon and driven by his instincts, as always, with that stubborn need to get more from him
He didn’t even try, and it didn’t take long for him to reach his limit, so he slowed down, closed his eyes, and tried to imagine he was somewhere else, doing something else, just so he wouldn’t finish so quickly
But Sangwon, who had been still, letting himself be used, suddenly began to thrust his shaft rapidly at a speed no one could possibly endure
Before he could prevent it, he came, completely spent in Sangwon’s hands, soaking Sangwon’s hands, trembling irregulary, with contractions and all, clenching his knuckles into the older man’s shirt and biting his shoulder to stifle the guttural groan that, if not for the precise grip Sangwon held on his hips, would likely have sent him crashing to the floor
Drained by the orgasm and with his ears buzzing a little, he briefly caught the delighted laugh Sangwon gave him, and the quick kiss he left on the back of his neck
–It’s so easy to make you come, Anxinnie–
Anxin's dick twitched at the comment, and he knew that if he concentrated hard enough, he could come again just by hearing that nickname come out of his mouth
It doesn’t take long before they return to reality, which once again hits Sangwon with a jolt of awareness, hitting him so hard that he almost had the impulse to
pull up his Supreme boxers and leave the mess there, leave everything as it was and flee the scene of the crime, pretend nothing had happened
But his focus shifted again when he felt Anxin, who was pressing against his thigh, gradually hardening once more.
How quickly he’d recovered. Of course, Anxin was very young; he had the libido of a teenager like any other.
He looked at Anxin and sometimes still felt that way, he felt he still had cheeks as full as Anxin’s, cheekbones not so pronounced, hair tenderly combed with a side part, eyes wide open taking in every stimulus—a well-behaved boy with an upright posture, inexperienced and swept into the whirlwind without resistance
He looked at him and looked at him, and couldn’t stop looking at him.
—Hyung… you got distracted—
Anxin's voice came out weak, incredibly tender, added to the way his face was full of embarrassment
How old was Anxin? He couldn’t care less at that moment; he was already far removed from his conscious mind. By this point, he was thinking more with his penis than with his head.
Sangwon smiled and looked away.
–Sorry, Anxin, follow me.–
He said the last part softly, reaching for his hand and wrapping his fingers around it correctly, feeling that it was slightly larger than his own.
He looked at the sofa where they would have to squeeze in to fit both of them. He guided him with a gentleness he didn’t even know he harbored within himself, laid him down, and positioned himself on top of him, trying not to look as desperate as he truly was.
He kept staring at him without stopping, looking at him with admiration through the dark bangs that partially covered his eyes. Anxin felt like those eyes could eat him up, that gaze gave him the sensation that he was seeing things Anxin couldn’t see, that he was in a place Anxin couldn’t reach. Absolutely everything felt so unfair. He was half-naked and exposed under Sangwon’s gaze, while Sangwon was fully dressed from head to toe. It embarrassed him that this uncool, vulnerable side of himself was on display, especially to Sangwon.
He doesn’t know where he finds the courage, but he grabs Sangwon’s shirt with slightly trembling fingers and urges him to take it off. And Sangwon, pleased by the initiative, finishes undoing Anxin’s clothes and begins to shed his own clothes one by one.
Anxin stared at him completely absorbed, struggling to blink, afraid of missing a single movement the boy made. The boy gave him smiles that only he understood, because Anxin was far removed from it all, genuinely lost, as if he didn’t know what was going to happen
Although, to be perfectly honest, not even Sangwon himself knew where he was going or how he was going to make it work, but what he did know was that he wasn’t going to stop until he had it all.
He stood up and turned his back to him for a moment to finish undressing. Anxin held his breath in long sighs; he couldn’t close his eyes while the other undressed, as if he were revealing the greatest wonder in the world to him.
Sangwon rummaged through his clothes until he found that tiny packet of lube. He opened it deftly without making a sound and smeared a little on his finger.
He was well aware that that little packet wouldn’t be enough, not even two or three of them would be enough, given how tense Anxina was.
Despite this, he turned his head halfway toward Anxin and continued
–Can… can I touch you again, Anxin?–
To tell the truth, Sangwon was just too lazy for this; he liked to be the one who lay back and let everything happen to him, but then again, something about Anxin made him want to be gentler with him, to take care of him
Anxin, who had already been watching him before he turned around, agreed incredulously, his brow relaxed and his eyes expressionless; he already seems more loose and immersed in the moment
Sagwon slipped his whole self uncertainly between his legs, feeling the heat of their skin to skin contact, he ran his hand over Anxin’s cheek, then down his neck as if tracing and mapping every inch of his skin, a touch Anxin wished he could tattoo onto himself forever.
Then he moved even lower to his sensitive waist, holding it with his pale palm as if trying to keep it in place, while his other hand made its way even further down his body, distracted by the touch, and before he knew it, Anxin had a lubricated finger knocking at the door to his entrance.
Well, this was nothing like what he had imagined.
Anxin immediately panicked.
That is to say, sometimes he found himself undressing Sangwon with his eyes, captivated and unable to stop the thoughts, or noticing the slight definition of his biceps, or the tendons in his forearms, and, even if only for a passing moment, he felt the carnal urge to bite them, to take something he felt wasn’t his to have, something beyond his reach
So he wasn’t going to play innocent either, and he had always, always, imagined that this would be the other way around, with the roles reversed.
Sangwon stopped immediately when he saw the frightened expression; there was only silence for an awkward second.
–Don't you want me to keep going?–
–No, no... it's not that, it's just that... Um, can I go up?–
He congratulated himself on managing to form the first coherent full sentence since he had walked into that tiny room with Sangwon, and regretted it as soon as he heard the quiet, under the breath chuckle it drew from him.
Before replying, he tilted his head slightly in a sweet, intimate gesture, still smiling at him, in order to ease the weight of the situation.
–Let hyung do it this time; your turn will come.–
As dizzy as he was, the only thing Anxin could make out from the sentence was that his turn would eventually come, and so there would be another time, and he held onto that thought.
And surprisingly, the truth of the situation was that Sangwon didn’t know how either; that it was also his first time being on top, and that this was his way of expressing himself, of returning all the love he felt had been taken from him and owed to him.
And on the other hand, dominating him and guiding him at his mercy. Sangwon was strangely enjoying having control over someone who was willing to give up everything for him; it felt good, satisfying something deep inside him that he couldn’t quite identify.
A digit entered
Anxin was in a state of panic, he had never felt such intense embarrassment before. His face burning, and his body automatically went rigid, his expression frozen.
With his finger already inside him, Sangwon began to explore him. The sensation of the cold lubricant inside him made him squirm uncomfortably.
The strange movement made him close his eyes, and his furrowed brow appeared once more.
–Slower… Ah… ah, slower—
His pleas didn’t slow the pace, but they did make Sangwon’s breathing grow heavy and his body harden even more at the sight
–It’s okay, Anxin, relax.–
It was easier said than done.
Especially since Anxin felt uneasy; he felt it was a very dirty place to be touched like that. Even with that sense of danger in mind, his body offered no resistance when another finger entered him.
His hand went straight to his mouth, covering it and creating a barrier against any sound that tried to escape.
Sangwon began moving his two fingers in a scissoring motion, opening him up without fully entering him, but feeling the hot, tight, and sticky inside, the lubrication trapping his fingers
Zhou Anxin kept covering his mouth, not daring to relax even the slightest bit, he couldn’t hold his gaze either, his head turning on the sofa.
–Have you ever touched yourself like this?–
The older man’s voice was like a sigh; he could tell the answer was clearly no from the way he contracted and sucked around his fingers, as if they were about to swallow him whole. But he asked him anyway, his morbid curiosity speaking for him
When Anxin shook his head, Sangwon felt a pang of guilt inside at how extremely aroused he’d become by knowing that.
He sank even deeper into it, with precise determination, searching for something inside
Sangwon twisted his finger
Suddenly, that uncomfortable intrusion brushed against something inside him, a button that made him arch his back and open his eyes and mouth wide
A long groan was heard, and on the other side, a victorious sigh burst out at the same time
–There it is–
said Sangwon. It had taken him a while to find it, but there it was.
–It feels good there, doesn’t it?–
It felt like something that shouldn’t be happening in the best possible way.
Anxin couldn’t answer. He knew that all men had that hidden pleasure spot inside them, he knew all about it from Jiahao’s personal experiences, which he recounted in great detail during their sleepovers.
But, once again, he never imagined it could feel so good to be touched by someone else in just the right places
The skill with which he moved was a mix of new sensations
Was Sangwon perhaps a god of sex?
He could only manage to cover his face in embarrassment, feeling as he continue to stimulate that spot that took sighs out of him and numbed his limbs
He was on the edge again.
And Sangwon must have noticed, because right then, with his other free hand, he began to masturbate him from the front, while continuing to point that area from behind.
The stimulation wasn’t fast, but it was intense and precise, hitting all the key points.
It caused his body to temble in uneven tremors and drew uncontrollable moans from him.
He felt that familiar tingling in his lower abdomen, he tried to close his legs, but Sangwon pushed them apart.
One, two, three.
–Stop...–
Anxin tossed his head around the sofa, repeatedly hitting Sangwon’s shoulder; he couldn’t take much
Four, five, and six
were the coordinated movements on both sides that brought Anxin to climax for the second time.
Showing that side of himself to someone was as embarrassing as it was exciting, but his mind had long since drifted away.
He let himself go
The teenager gasped violently, arched his back, and thrust his hips upward; all that stimulation, overwhelming him at once, made his eyes roll back for a moment, the agonizing pleasure dimming his consciousness, his body writhing in spasms, his face contorted with satisfaction.
Everything fell silent around him, it felt as if he were floating.
What was probably the most intense orgasm of his life left him exhausted, staring at the ceiling, his thick, milky fluid staining them both and flowing effortlessly, his throat aching from the raspy sounds, dazed, struggling to calm his racing heartbeat
Sangwon also seemed to have run out of breath; the sexual excitement he felt had reached its peak. He forced himself to wait for Anxin to come back down to earth, holding back, brushing away the strands of hair that had stuck to his forehead from the sweat.
He’d gotten carried away by the moment, so he wasn’t sure if the preparation had been enough or if he’d stretched him wide enough for Anxin to take him, but he couldn’t hold back any longer, his desire had taken the lead, and he couldn’t even wait for Anxin to recover from his orgasm
–Shit, Anxin—ah… Can I go in?– Sangwon was short of breath, his face colored with a flush of desire.
Anxin’s senses still hadn’t returned, his legs lay limp and helpless on the sofa, he didn’t know if he’d be able to take it, but seeing the accumulation of blood on Sangwon’s dick, the wet tip now turning purple, Anxin, as empathetic and accommodating as always, nodded in defeat
Sangwon hurriedly searched for the condom that had gone missing somewhere in the room, urgency tugging at his hands
A few soft moans were heard as he masturbated a little to relieve the burning sensation, seemingly far more unashamed than Anxin.
He put on the condom with admirable technique, applied the remaining scarce bit of lube, positioned himself, and watched as that small, pink, stretched out opening seemed to be searching for something to fill the void.
Anxin hadn’t fully regained his composure yet; perhaps that was why he had agreed to such a proposal without hesitation. But with his body already aroused and the sight before him more than provocative, he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold back for long either
His passion flared up again when Sangwon’s slightly toned arms gathered traces of semen from his abdomen and spread them over his erect dick, mixing their fluids, using his essence as lubricant in such a dirty way.
An image that would stay with him forever and that he would never be able to get out of his head.
Surprised by Anxin’s body’s immediate reaction, Sangwon playfully whispered in his ear,
–This time, try to last a little longer.–
Anxin’s whole body was reddened, he looked at him with his bangs tousled, his mouth slightly parted, and a distant look in his eyes. Sangwon was breathing heavily with anticipation.
Perhaps he’d said that to try to distract him, but Anxin could clearly feel the hard, hot object pressing against him, and then sliding inside his skin.
And when it began to enter him little by little, he stifled a scream, clenching his face as he felt it tearing him apart, as if it were going to split him in two
By contrast, Sangwon had never been held so tightly before, his thighs trembled, forcing him to lean back against Anxin with a faint lament, resting his forehead against Anxin's.
Uncapable to resist the incredible atraction around him, he slowly moved his hips back and forth, penetrating him halfway, just once, but going a little deeper in the process. And now he finally managed to draw a sharp cry from Anxin
–Ah! Sangwon-ge! Wait, wait–
He was struggling; a sharp searing sting made him squeeze his eyes shut, tears spilling from them. His chest rose and fell, the air seemed to cut off at times, and his breathing came in shakery gasps. The pain in his body caused the Chinese and Korean languages to merge in his mind. He didn’t know what he was saying or if Sangwon had understood any of it, because Sangwon remained glued to him, motionless, his eyes closed, his eyebrows arched downward, and a groggy expression on his face.
Now that was a good distraction.
God, Anxin swore right then and there that he would endure any kind of pain for the rest of his life just to see that sultry look on the barista’s handsome face
–Sorry, it’s just that… Hmm, it feels really good in here– Sangwon spoke with a sense of urgency and desperation he had never heard before.
Despite his prior preparation, Anxin’s virgin hole, which had never been stretched to this extent, tightened around him in an overwhelming, even painful way due to its untouched newness, as if it could cut off the blood flow there.
With what little sanity he had left, he exhaled, telling himself to take it slow, fighting off twenty demons to stay still until the other got used to it.
Having Sangwon’s penis inside him was nothing like his fingers, the skin of his penis was smoother, softer, and he could feel Sangwon’s body heat inside him,
which was both distressing and pleasant, and knowing that Sangwon was also enjoying it was gratifying
The presence in his insides felt real, real and absolute, as if he were carving his name inside him with indelible ink.
Sangwon distribuited kisses down his neck with unwavering patience, the only thing that betrayed how difficult it was for him to stay still inside him was the bead of sweat that trickled gently down his forehead.
He could try to distract him all he wanted, but Anxin could feel his dick beating inside him, matching the rhythm of his own pulse.
He tried to keep thrusting, but the nervousness in the inexperienced body of the boy beneath him blocked his path.
–I really need you to calm down, or this won’t work, Anxin.–
The other took a while to reply
–Xin...– he murmured
...
There were a few more seconds of silence
–What?–
–Xin, you can call me Xin–
–Xin?... God?–
Sangwon, struggling with nerves and too turnes on for his brain to process things properly, answered with the first thing that came to mind
A Korean pun combining the nickname and the word God, one of his typical, infamous "dad jokes” that, far from easing the situation, usually made everything even more awkward
Anxin looked at him with wide eyes, tears drying on his cheek, he didn’t quite get the joke, struggling with his own nerves
But he laughed anyway, a genuine laugh, the dimple had appeared before he covered his mouth with his hand, the sweet habit that delighted Sangwon
In some way, his bad joke worked, it eased Anxin’s pain, drawing him back.
Sangwon was able to enter him completely.
The moment he did it, he felt every bone in his body loosen, his expression twisting completely
He started with a gentle ebb and flow motion and immediately hit that spot inside Anxin that he had memorized earlier.
It was painful and pleasurable at the same time, as if you found the exact spot where all the itchiness in your body is concentrated and you scratched specifically there, with long nails and a lot of fury, and even though it’s hurting you, you can’t stop because it feels so good.
He felt filled to the brim, stretched to the core; the younger boy’s mind went blank and he could no longer comprehend what was happening; he couldn’t focus his gaze properly. When he brushed against that area, it felt battered and overstimulated from the previous orgasm, from which he hadn’t yet fully recovered, and it was pushing him to the edge when they hadn’t even begun yet
He kept moving like that, spreading his legs even wider, as if trying to sink even deeper into him, if that was even possible.
The sound of their skin slapping together and the mingling of their fluids struck a raw nerve in Sangwon, causing him to lose his balance
Sangwon quickened the pace
Maybe it was the exhaustion in his body, but the precise thrusts into his previously unexplored areas were driving him crazy, it made him groan and his muscles twitch involuntarily
Anxin didn’t recognize himself, he felt like he wasn’t himself.
Writhing with every touch, responding to every stimulus with enthusiasm, he moaned loudly and squirmed in place, a complete spectacle.
Anxin lay before him as if surrendered, completely at his mercy, his arms resting submissively at the sides of his head, which Sangwon gripped even tighter around his fragile wrists.
Sangwon moved inside him, thrusting at a relentless pace that stabbed at Anxin, every movement of his pelvis drew sounds from both of them
And fuck, it was a mess
It was frenzied, everything about them began to blur together. Anxin looked down and didn’t know where he ended and where Sangwon began
And just hearing his labored breathing, or seeing the waves of pleasure etched on his face, or the erotic movement of his hips
Or seeing how those hip movements were aimed directly at him didn’t help at all in keeping him grounded
It was all too much
Sangwon never stayed stil, without giving him a moment to rest, he constantly tried different rhythms, and they all made him shudder. His moans turned into sobs, he knew he was crying again, but he didn’t know why. The line between pleasure and pain had faded long ago.
But when the thrusts began to grow faster and more rhythmic, he felt an unbearable, constant pleasure, he reached his limit even faster than before
And Sangwon was close too, you could tell by how spent he looked, his golden, slightly tanned skin glistening with sweat, his pupils rolling back from time to time, his whole face flushed, and the way he moved in a scattered, chaotic, almost animalistic pace. He was much more expressive than him
The place turned into a circus of obscene sounds
–Sangwon-ge... this- Ah, this is too much–
he managed to say as best he could given the situation, his words coming out in fragments, punctuated by sighs as the thrusts cut off his breath and his ability to modulate.
–Let me know when you're close, Xin,–
Sangwon replied in a state and tone very similar to his own, but Anxin was so close that he couldn't even speak properly.
He struggled to make himself understood; it was an illogical jumble of moans and words in koream and chinese that even he couldn't string together.
He couldn't take it anymore, and so he came again, curling his toes, his head tilted back, his whole body arching, pleasure sent an electric shock through his entire body, he touched the sky once more.
Sangwon slowed down to keep pace with him, this time his semen came out in a smaller amount and a lighter color. His body already exhausted, but the sensations were so, so powerful and persistent that it felt as if time were rewinding and his orgasm would never end, he felt paralyzed and trapped in the moment
The only thing bringing him back to the present was Sangwon, who kept moving inside him, pursuing his own pleasure. That sensation didn’t bother him, in fact, he would always remember it, that sight before him and how he felt him everywhere.
Sangwon kept cornering Anxin on the sofa, from start to finish, he maintained that provocative, aloof demeanor, but something changed when Anxin managed to escape the tight grip of his hands
Anxin traced the outline of his face and gently brushed a strand of dark brown hair behind his ear with his free hand, smiling slightly, his vision still hazy and darkened, on the verge of fainting after coming three times in such a short span of time.
Even though he was drowsy and his pupils were dilated, he still looked at him with love.
He understood right away; that was what was different about his gaze.
Sangwon was distracted again.
He held his breath and stopped the movements.
It felt good to be this way, it felt genuine.
Even though he was someone who always focused on what connected him to reality, who made a point of using his six senses and truly living through them
He would stimulate his hearing early in the morning by listening to instrumentals as he woke, while engaging his sight by looking through his book of landscapes, each page with a different texture that awakened his sense of touch.
All that interaction gave meaning to his existence, the only proof that, indeed, he existed and had a reason to be
And yet, none of it could compare to what he was feeling now.
After so much disconnection, there he was, and it was real
It had been far too long since he had felt something real, every sensation was raw, right at the surface of his skin.
He didn’t even notice he was crying until his own tear rolled down Anxin’s face
The two of them, taken aback, exchanged a long, silent look, broken only by their ragged breathing
He wanted to run away from there
Sangwon got scared, sniffed, and slid out of him with a sob
Anxin looked at him, bewildered, watching as he began to put his clothes back on, his dick was still so hard and close to climax that it seemed to hurt
–Sangwon hyung... are you okay?– He combated to steady himself in his vulnerable state and reached for the older man's hand
Sangwon dodged him, crossed his arms over his bare chest, and retreated even further into the defensive shell he always wore.
Once he had avoided any kind of contact and finished getting dressed, he found the change of clothes for Anxin and handed them to him silently, remembering the main reason they came there in the first place.
–Anxin… How old are you?–
He didn’t even dare to watch him get changed.
Anxin scoffed inwardly, it was ironic that he would ask that only now, after everything that had been done to him.
Still, he answered respectfully, his throat tight with a knot.
–I’m turning seventeen.–
Seventeen years old…
The math was clear.
Sangwon was three years older than Anxin.
The same age gap as between him and Leo.
.
.
.
Kim Geonwoo, who had been left alone at the register during the incident, was seething with rage over the flood of orders.
But he didn’t scold Sangwon when he saw him come out of the stockroom, nor did he ask him anything about his absence for nearly an hour.
In his opinion, both his coworker’s demeanor and his attire were very casual and disheveled, yet he had never seen him look as disheveled as he did at that moment.
So out of place and context, with his hair tangled, clothes wrinkled, and his disoriented gaze, it seemed as if he wasn’t spinning in the same direction as the earth.
He couldn’t find a way to make any comment, or even a joke about it. His confusion only deepened when, behind him, he saw a young boy come out who looked even worse than he did.
Sangwon felt strange, the encounter had been strange, strange and aimless, contradicting everything he had ever learned
that having someone physically was nothing, that that kind of intimacy didn’t have to mean anything.
It wasn’t about waiting for “the one” or finding a “connection,” as they say, it was anything but that. It was more of a professional arrangement, more like an exchange of goods. We simply provide something that satisfies both of our needs, what’s called mutual benefit, like a barter, a transaction for work purposes with no extramarital intentions involved. And that was the mandatory, implicit condition: just sex, without feelings or commitment.
Had it been sex?
Yes, but it had definitely been something more
Something that fell outside the margins and didn’t align at all with the logic he had built before, the one he had developed his entire life, as far back as his memory could reach.
He had managed to pull back before reaching the point of no return, but that didn’t take away the guilt, the sense of responsibility of being the one who had caused this in Anxin, the one who had stained his once spotless record. He knew full well that Anxin’s motives went beyond the professional, beyond Sangwon's dirty business, taking advantage of the other’s vulnerability, becoming the author of the scribble that would ruin him, of the undeniable damage that would change him forever, for binding Anxin eternally to him.
It was so contradictory, he saw himself reflected in it, and hated himself at the same time for being responsible in Anxin for the very thing that had once marked him.
The idea grew stronger when he felt Anxin’s look on his back, piercing through him from behind, and as he shifted restlessly, wanting to say something, something he had absolutely no intention of hearing.
–Sangwon hyung…– he tugged at his clothes, calling him almost pitifully, like a dog with its tail between its legs. Sangwon simply looked at him. he had gone from one extreme to the other, becoming emotionally detached, disconnected.
Just as he was about to speak again, another voice joined the conversation
–Anxin hyung?–
The melancholic air about Zhou Anxin faded away.
–Xiaozhu! What are you doing here?– he exclaimed with smiles, those he always gave to him.
He witnessed Zhou Anxin’s purest form once again, his happiness.
He saw him pull the boy who had called him into his arms, a boy with clean gaze and an even more juvenile appearance than Anxin’s. And with that, little by little, he drifted away from him.
He stood there watching him
He saw how Anxin was able to transform, how he was nothing like him at all
He watched the younger boy disappear, as fast as his legs could carry him, his hair becoming tousled in his wake.
He kept watching as he left the place.
If Sangwon hadn’t known someone like Anxin, he would have confidently asserted that people like him don’t exist, always wearing a smile from ear to ear and unbreakable energy, as if every day were his birthday.
Just being near him made you feel that your problems were less important than you thought, and it made you question and push against everything you had been taught to believe. He was someone capable of detaching himself, as if unfortunate events didn’t fully affect him.
He could never be like that, that much was clear.
It’s a reality that Sangwon is very sensitive to smells, but he couldn’t figure out why the sweet, familiar scent of the coffee shop had started to bother his nose.