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“It’s been so long since we’ve talked. I hope you aren’t still upset about the past. You know I love you, dear.”
He should be angry. She had been the one to cut them off, after all. And it was a skill of hers, Ryan had learned, to convince people around her that her warped version of the past was more reliable than their own memories. It had worked on him often enough.
He barely cared about her words, though. He was stunned by her attempt to contact him at all. After so many years, after so many ignored texts and missed calls, she had reached out to him for once… and he didn’t know what he was supposed to feel.
The only thing he was sure of was that he was lucky he’d missed the call. Even if he managed to hold a conversation without it devolving into a screaming match, he wasn’t sure if he would ever again feel like he was talking to the woman who raised him.
He procrastinated for hours, phone face down on the seat beside him as he tried to distract himself with television. Though he stared blankly at the images flashing in front of him, his mind was running through countless responses in his head. If she called again, what would he say?
I missed you.
I loved you.
I don’t know how to forgive you.
He picked up the phone, watching his own reflection in the black screen as he considered his limited options. Then, he did what he always resorted to when he felt this lost.
“Hey, Adam? Can I stop by this afternoon?”
***
The moment he was through the door, Adam had him in a bear hug, to Ryan’s surprise. His brothers were affectionate, but Adam was usually more reserved than this. Ryan laughed, squirming out of his grasp, but the moment their gazes met his smile dropped.
“Mom called you too, huh?”
Adam nodded, leading Ryan into his living room and easing himself into a chair with a heavy sigh. “A few minutes before you, actually. I’m surprised she bothered. She knew how I felt about her behavior even before…” he gestured vaguely. “I didn’t answer. I’m not giving her an audience to play victim to.”
“I thought you had her blocked this whole time.”
Adam replied dryly, “trust me, I’d love that. But I figured, in case of emergency, I should be reachable.”
”That’s your excuse, huh?” Ryan smiled faintly.
Adam shrugged. “It’s one I can live with.”
They went quiet for a moment, and Ryan’s gaze drifted across the apartment walls. His eyes landed on a familiar framed photo of them as young children, their parents standing behind them. They looked so unreasonably happy that he had to avert his eyes, forcing his mind back to the present. “She’s going to fuck up Jack’s entire week if she gets ahold of him. He can see through her act, but… he might not want to.”
“Do you think he would ever trust her enough to let her back into his life?”
“I don’t know. He always seems more… optimistic about her. I try not shoot down his hopes, but I kind of gave up on it all after she missed our birthdays three years in a row.”
Adam laughed bitterly. “I still called her on her birthday for a couple years after she cut us off. I don’t know why I expected her to care.”
“So why do you think she’s contacting all of us now?”
Rolling his eyes, Adam explained, “I checked a couple of her online accounts. She’s posting about being ‘broke,’ whatever that means to her. I’m sure you can extrapolate from that what she probably wants.”
“Great.” Ryan pulled off his glasses, rubbing his now aching temple. “This is going to crush Jack, y’know. How the hell do I tell him?”
“Directly. You never sugarcoat things, so don’t start now. I’d offer to tell him myself, but he listens better to you.” Adam offered a sympathetic smile. “He trusts you more than anyone else.”
***
Talking with Adam eased his anxiety- it always did- but Ryan still spent the rest of the day in a haze of muddled emotions, of longing and anger and disappointment. He hadn’t assumed her intentions were anything but selfish, of course, but maybe for a moment he had let himself hope.
He played her message over and over that night, curled up in bed like a pouting child. Even if all she wanted was to further exploit them, a selfish part of him took pride in knowing she had called him first. He hated that part of himself. He hated her more for creating it.
Resentment settled in gradually, cold and heavy in his chest, and that was how he fell asleep, her voice echoing through his head.
***
Jack was knocking at his door far too early the next morning. He fidgeted anxiously with his phone, stepping into Ryan’s apartment without his usual, over-the-top affection.
Ryan’s heart sank. “What’s up?” He asked, his voice graver than he intended.
Jack didn’t seem to notice, and just shoved his phone in Ryan’s hand. It was covered in sweat, like he had been gripping it for a while.
Ryan wiped it off on his shirt and read the text on screen.
Hi, darling. I miss you very much. I’m sorry you were so hurt by what happened. Please give me a call soon.
She couldn’t even be bothered to call him, Ryan thought with frustration. He took a breath. “Jack…”
Jack grabbed the phone from him, as if he feared Ryan might delete the message out of anger- and Ryan was certainly tempted to. “I really thought she’d never talk to me again. Us, I mean.” He let out a breathy laugh. “I- I know what you’re thinking. But it must have taken a lot for her to send that, right?”
Ryan winced. He didn’t want to hurt Jack, but he didn’t know how to soften the blow. “You don’t think she has an ulterior motive?”
“Maybe she just misses us. It’s been years, Ry. If she’s finally reaching out… then I can’t just ignore her, right?”
There was a heavy silence as Ryan gathered his thoughts. When he finally spoke, he was monotone, blunt. “She still wants money.”
”You don’t know that-“
”Adam checked her social media. She doesn’t give a shit about anything except what she can get from us. She always said we owe her, remember?” Ryan felt a pang of guilt at his own harshness, but he forced himself to continue. “You have to accept that. We’re the villains to her, that’s why she’ll never apologize for all the screaming and threats. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong.”
Jack stared down at the message for a while. “I just wanted to hear her voice,” he mumbled.
“I- I know. I’m sorry.”
Jack looked up suddenly, his expression unreadable. He took a step forward, and Ryan shrunk back, bracing himself for a burst of denial or rage.
Instead, Jack grabbed him up in a desperate embrace. By the way his body trembled and tensed, Ryan could tell he was already barely holding back tears. He hugged him back without hesitation, and that was all it took for Jack to break down.
“I want my mom,” he sobbed, clutching the back of Ryan’s shirt. He was fully shaking now, his tears wetting Ryan’s shoulder as he babbled. “It’s not fair, I want my mom…”
As Ryan held Jack, he recalled something from their childhood. It was one of those fuzzy memories, half-remembered and half-imagined, of how their mother would hold them when they were still small enough to be rocked in her lap. He remembered her hands, warm and gentle, running through their curls as they cried.
He reached one hand up and, slowly, he stroked his brother’s hair. “I know, Jack. So do I.”