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The only time she sees her is when she’s high.
She floats into her mind, all bubbly and beautiful as soon as she pushes the needle through her skin. As soon as she welcomes the glorious white powder into her nostrils.
When she’s sober, she remembers.
And remembering isn’t something she can do. Arizona was gone. And she simply couldn’t handle that fact.
She shut herself away from all friends and family, found somewhere none of them would know to check and disappeared. Hell, some of them probably thought she was dead. Maybe that was for the best anyway.
How envious she was of the dead.
As soon as Arizona left, everyone flocked to her. They crowded her, they kept watching her like a hawk, waiting for her to break.
And she did break. But not in front of anyone. No, she waited until she could get away from everyone before she broke completely.
She had bought so much oxy and heroin that same night — enough to keep her high for weeks straight. But if she’s honest, she doesn’t know how long it’s been.
Arizona would be so upset if she saw her like this, she’d probably hate her for it. She wished Arizona was around to hate her. But she wasn’t, so it didn’t matter.
The thought only made her rush to reach her hand over to the side table, gripping the band and tying it around her bicep lazily. The syringe filled easily and the sharp tip of the needle poking her skin felt good.
As she pushed it into her vein, Arizona appeared in front of her, her soft smile and eyes looking at her lovingly. She even saw Arizona reach out her hand and Amelia could just about feel her caress her hair.
Amelia saw her chasing her around their old kitchen, throwing flour at her from a cake they were attempting to make and she could even hear her squeal when Amelia threw frosting back at her. She could feel the arms that lifted her up onto the counter once Arizona caught up to her. She could feel the mess between her fingers — the most beautiful mess.
She took that day for granted, never realizing that would be the last time they’d bake together. In another life, she would’ve savored it completely. She would’ve told Arizona she loved her more. She would’ve hugged her more.
But days like that would never happen again and that wasn’t something Amelia could even begin to comprehend let alone process.
So she didn’t.
And she never would. She never could.
The memories flashed through her mind as if they were actually happening in real time.
Their first kiss.
Their first touch.
Their first day in the home they bought together.
She felt at peace in these memories. The drugs tricked her into believing Arizona wasn’t gone, she was there. She really was there.
Though Arizona never spoke, it was still her. Her dimpled smile and her soft blonde waves framing her face.
She would never forget that face. No matter how much time passed, never. Arizona was engraved in her — etched into her skin like a tattoo. And Amelia wouldn’t change that for the world.
After a few minutes, she saw Arizona come to her again. But this time was different. She was surrounded by white light and her face was furrowed in worry.
“Amelia?” Arizona called out.
It was odd, usually Arizona was silent in her visions. Usually her memories played like a silent film in her brain.
But god, she was glad to hear that voice.
“Arizona,” she felt herself smile.
She practically floated closer to Amelia and she suddenly felt a grab to her wrist. It wasn’t soft, it was hard, it was panicked.
“Amelia, you can’t be here.”
Amelia couldn’t make sense of it, she didn’t remember a memory like this at all. But she didn’t care, all she cared about was feeling Arizona’s hand on her arm and hearing her silky voice fill her ears.
“I wanna be anywhere you are,” Amelia said, placing her hand over Arizona’s.
“No, you need to fight this.” Arizona’s blue eyes were bright but serious.
“Fight what? I…” She suddenly felt so cold yet so clammy, “I don’t understand.”
“It’s not your time. Not yet, baby, please,” Arizona was begging now, her eyes seemed to fill with tears.
And though she didn’t completely understand, all she knew was that she wanted to stay. She needed to stay with her. It was the only way she could ever find happiness again.
“I thought you were done with that stuff, baby, why? Why would you do this?” Arizona cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes so devastatingly.
“I miss you. I’m broken without you,” Amelia felt herself getting emotional but no tears came out, she couldn’t force them out no matter how hard she tried, “Can’t I stay? With you?”
“Please…” Arizona begged while she shook her head, “Go back. Please.”
Amelia furrowed her brows, “N-No. I can’t. I won’t.” She shook her head and gripped Arizona’s hand firmly.
“You have to—“ Arizona’s head suddenly looked to her left, “Maggie.” A breath of relief and a smile formed on her lips.
Amelia followed her gaze but couldn’t see what Arizona was looking at, it was all white, “Maggie…?”
Arizona turned back to Amelia, tears filling her eyes. She smiled and brought a hand to Amelia’s cheek while the other squeezed Amelia’s hand, “We will be together again. Just not yet,” she paused, “Try your hardest to get sober. Live your life. For me,” She brought Amelia’s hand up to her lips and kissed her fingers, “I’m sorry for leaving you. I never wanted to.”
The feeling of the hands on her cheek and her fingers started to fade. And Arizona’s features began to morph slightly, “No, no, where are you going?”
Arizona only smiled but she stayed put, “I love you, Amelia. So much.”
Amelia frantically tried to grasp at Arizona’s body but she only faded more. She couldn’t understand what was happening, why Arizona was being ripped from her grasp all over again. But she knew she needed to reply — before it was too late, “I love you too.”
When she opened her eyes, Maggie knelt over her, tears flowing down her cheeks as she grabbed Amelia’s shoulders and pulled her into her, hugging her and rocking her back and forth, “Oh god, you’re alive,” Her sister sobbed into her hair and pressed a kiss to her head, “You’re alive.”
She felt so weak, so tired. But it was starting to all come together.
She must have overdosed.
And that wasn’t a memory, she was actually with Arizona in the afterlife.
She could see her, hear her, feel her.
But then she faded, disintegrated between her fingers.
And now Amelia was here, alive.
But Arizona wasn’t.
And Maggie was the one who took her from Arizona.
The realization shot through her body, causing her to push Maggie off of her and stand up immediately, “What did you do?! Oh my god, Maggie, what have you done!?” She felt her hands bury themselves in her own hair, pulling as she felt rage course through her veins. She saw the narcan on the floor beside Maggie and she felt sick.
Maggie stood up and walked towards Amelia, “Amelia…you overdosed, I needed to save yo—“
“I didn’t want to be fucking saved!” Amelia’s eyes widened in anger and all Maggie did was look at her with a sad twinkle in her eye as she reached out, brushing her hand against Amelia’s shoulder. But Amelia was quick to back away, “Don’t fucking touch me! You ruined everything!”
“I—“
“No!” Amelia shouted, “I saw her, you know. I was with her, she was talking to me, I could feel her for the first time since she…” she trailed off, not being able to say the word, “You took that away from me!”
Maggie deflated, wiping at her eyes, “Arizona would’ve—“
“No! Don’t you dare say her name,” Amelia got in Maggie’s face. It felt wrong, she knew it was wrong. But how dare her sister take Arizona away from her like this.
Amelia backed away, looking onto the side table, scooping up the last of the oxy there as she flung her bag over her shoulder. Her high was completely gone now (thanks to Maggie) and she needed more as soon as possible.
“No, Amelia, don’t.” Maggie said, her eyes panicked and her arm stretched out.
Amelia stopped and looked away. She couldn’t stand seeing Maggie’s face right now — she was so angry at her but she felt so damn guilty for putting her sister through this.
It was better if she left.
She walked to the door, her hand hesitating on the doorknob, and her back faced towards Maggie, “Next time, don’t save me. Don’t even bother wasting the damn narcan, use it on someone who doesn’t wanna die.”
She had no idea how Maggie found her but she didn’t care. All she wanted now was to disappear for good.