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It took just over two years but Dennis had done it. He had left his small town congregation in Broken Bow and survived his first year of medical school in Pittsburgh, and had started his second year. Dennis Whitaker originally did exactly as his parents wanted him to do. He got a theology degree right out of high school and worked with the pastor in the small Catholic Church in Broken Bow Nebraska leading the flock. He graduated college in 2012 and spent the next 8 years doing his best to serve the community and run the church until COVID hit. The pandemic was devastating in the small town with many people trying to stand against modern medicine and the doctors at the local hospital quickly becoming overwhelmed.
All at once it felt like everything was becoming too much. He was watching hate grow in the small town and after losing so much he needed a new beginning. It took almost a year to get settled in a new town and church, he was a youth minister mostly working with the teens in the church and sometimes assisting in services. It was a huge change from the rigidness of St. Joseph's Church back in Nebraska, his job there was to teach what the Scripture meant to the congregation through readings and sermons; here the congregation was encouraged to read the Bible and interpret what God was telling them for themselves. They talked a lot about what different passages might mean but it always came back to the same message God is love and it is for them to ‘Love thy neighbor’ and not to judge others. He found a new calling, a way to help heal the body instead of saving the soul and applied to medical school.
Starting medical school at 31 was difficult, he was 9 years older than most of his classmates but from the first day it felt right. He studied every free moment he had trying to learn everything, to help as many people as he could. Often he was found in the library between classes or sitting in the back of the sanctuary at church when he wasn't working. Something about being around the stained glass helped him focus and Mary, the priest, was often kind enough to bring him some snacks. It also helped that the church provided better wifi than the room he was renting offered. It was exhilarating to study and learn and the small change in faith had given him purpose in a new way. Like he was taught, Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" he felt like for the first time he was truly where he was meant to be.
Halfway through his first semester he had a guest speaker in one of his classes to talk about navigating the changes in healthcare after the recent pandemic ED chief Dr. Michael Robinavich, he walked into class five minutes early and immediately felt like he was thrown a curve ball for the new path he was on. There was what felt like an immediate pull to Dr. Robinavich; the doctor was older than him but had a confident calming aura around him like he was used to being the calm in the storm. He was excited to get to learn from someone who had been working in emergency medicine during the pandemic and quickly got set up to take notes.
“Good afternoon everyone I am Dr. Robinavich but everyone calls me Dr. Robby and I am the chief emergency attending at Pittsburgh Medical Trauma Center.” He started addressing the class Dennis listened to the lecture with wrapped attention learning about the changes that were put in place to protect the doctors during COVID and changes to the medical field that grew from that taking as detailed notes as he could. He didn't realize how quickly time was passing until Dr. Robby opened it up to questions from the class for anything related to emergency medicine,
Dennis hesitantly raised his hand and when Robby engulfed him asked, “Dr. Robby, what is one thing you wish you knew before going into medicine?”
Robby looked taken back by the question for a moment before answering, “Sometimes the best thing we can do as doctors is have compassion both for ourselves and our patients. We can't save everyone but being open minded and understanding of a different culture or religion can help bring peace in someone's worst moments.”
Dennis wrote down the answer in his notes and underlined it like it was something to live by.
Robby answered a few more questions before ending the class by passing out some business cards. “Here is my email please feel free to send more questions if you have them when continuing through medical school and good luck to all of you.” He began to pack up his stuff as most of the class started to leave talking about what they learned during the lecture and Dennis walked up to the man.
“Excuse me Dr. Robby.” He said getting the older man's attention, “I have one more question if you have a moment?.”
“Yes of course Student Doctor…” He answered.
“Dennis Whitaker, MS2. What drew you to emergency medicine?”
“You ask some good Whitaker. I guess for me part of it is the pace. I like how quickly everything moves and how varied it is. New challenges every day. But even so I like supporting people through the worst days of their lives, finding ways to make things better whenever I can. It's hard, don't get me wrong but I find it to be the most rewarding.”
“Thank you Doctor, for your answers and your time today.”
“Of course,” Robby paused for a moment before adding, “and Whitaker I was serious about the email feel free to reach out with questions.”
“I will sir, have a wonderful afternoon.” Dennis added as he left the class to get to the cathedral to study and think about what he'd learn in the lecture.
After the lecture Dennis went back to the sanctuary to study. He found it a peaceful place to focus and sit in the comforting quite. He had been sitting there for a while when Mary sat down next to him. “So,” she said quietly, “you've been reading that page for 30 minutes now. Either it's just that interesting or you have something going on in that head of yours.”
“You know me too well Mary,” he said with a chuckle, “I thought after leaving Nebraska and getting settled here with the church and school that everything would be better. But, I don’t know I just feel so lost like I started this too late. Like maybe if I started this path 9 years ago I could have made a difference.”
“Den, you are only 31 you know. You don't have to have everything figured out. We make plans and God laughs. But it seems like there is something more going on than just the carrier change.”
Dennis sat for a moment in silence with Mary thinking about the lecture and what Robby said about understanding different people's culture and religion. He took a few deep breaths before continuing, “We had a guest speaker today, a local ER doctor, to talk about how things have changed since the pandemic, and I guess something about him is reminding me of feelings I haven't thought about in years. Parts of my past I'd rather not think about.”
“Den I know you had a hard start before you came here but your past is a part of you. You don't have to tell me everything but repressing these emotions isn't healthy. You should talk to someone, it doesn't have to be me but someone you trust.”
“I thought I did. Every week with Father John back home in the confessional bringing up these feelings and taking the penance for them until I thought they were gone, at least until this afternoon.” He spoke quietly, unsure of himself thinking back to the confession more than ten years ago when he first brought up these feelings before. The penance he had been assigned at first to just do the rosaries twice a day for a week, that grew into repeating different verses from the Bible, “Leviticus 18:22 ‘You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination’”
“Oh Den,” Mary said softly, putting her hand on his knee, “you can't change who you love and you shouldn't be asked too. You know as well as I do the controversy around the translation of that verse and that it could easily translate to ‘man should not lie with a child as with a woman’. And even more important than that, Song of Solomon 8:6-7: ‘Set me as a seal upon your heart... for love is strong as death... Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it’. The Bible has more to say about being in love then that one verse people love to use to try and tell us some love is wrong.”
“Song of Solomon 2:16: ‘My beloved is mine, and I am his’. I know it was just ingrained in me for so many years it can be hard to forget sometimes.”
“You have an amazing heart Den, a kind and caring personality that is hard to find these days. You'll do wonderful things both as a doctor and a priest, I know it.”
“What if I’m not too sure about being a priest anymore? My relationship with God has been strained since I came here. I still believe and I think I always will but it’s shifted.”
“Den I think even if you don’t continue to practice being a priest will always be a part of you. Of course your relationship has changed, my relationship with God has changed over the years and will continue to change, it’s a part of growing. This just means you are not the same person you were when you left Broken Bow.”
“Thanks Mary I needed that.”
“You know I used to work with the congregation here to bring homemade meals to the hospital for the doctors who couldn’t go home and risk getting their families sick. I asked one how he dealt with the stress and the losses. He told me something very important, ‘You learn to live with it, learn to accept it, and learn to find balance if you can.’ I think both science and belief are a part of your balance, Den.” Mary then squeezed his knee and walked away leaving Dennis to think.
He sat in the pew and looked up at the cross and stained glass, thinking over what he had learned for his theology degree, the verses he had been forced to memorize the scriptures he's relearning in a new context. Seeing first hand how the same words can mean so many different things to different people, maybe this is what Robby meant about understanding. He thought for a while before pulling out the card he got at class and grabbing his phone to send a short email,
Good Evening Dr. Robinavich
I was wondering if you had a moment at some point to talk more about some things in your lecture today. It got me wondering about what else is important for me to learn as a future doctor that might not be taught in the classroom to deepen my understanding and improve my ability to help patients. I appreciate your time.
Thank you
Dennis Whitaker MS2
He read it over one more time hitting send before he could talk himself out of the email. Dennis picked up his textbook and resumed studying until his phone buzzed with a notification. He opened it to find an email reply,
Student Dr. Dennis Whitaker
I would be happy to talk to you more about anything you might want to know as you study to become a doctor and there is so much that's important to know that isn't necessarily taught in schools. I have a day off on Saturday. If you would be free to grab some coffee we can absolutely talk more then.
-Dr. Robby
Dennis after reading the email sent back one more of his own
Dr. Robby
Saturday works perfectly. I am teaching Youth Bible study at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral until 10 am on Saturdays but should be free any time after that. There is a lovely coffee shop not far from here I could meet you at, the Old Mill Coffee House say around 11?
Thank you
Dennis Whitaker