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Did you know that I hated asking that?
I hated myself for it. But I was so scared.
I wanted you to help me.
“Elster.” My voice is a whisper. It’s hard to talk, I’ve been crying all cycle. “I need you to promise me something.” I know this is wrong to ask of her, I hate myself for it. But that’s all I can do. I’m scared.
You though, you don’t show it. “Anything.” You love me don’t you?
I love you too.
Which is why saying this feels like I am puking knives. “If I.” I hate this. “Once I get too sick.”
Here it goes.
“I want you to kill me.”
You though. You don’t take long to answer. You nod. “I promise. I will do that.” I’m so sorry.
I love you. Please forgive me.
You don’t seem to be angry, all you do is held me close. “I love you Ellie.” You always smile when I call you Ellie. Are you smiling now? No, I know you aren’t. I know I ruined your nickname.
“I love you too Ariane.”
Whenever you say this, it feels like the world is at ease.
It still does.
As the cycles go I get sicker.
I lose hair, teeth, weight, I can’t hold down any food, there has been accidents…
It’s all so embarrassing.
The last period I had seemed more like a murder scene.
All of this is awful.
Did I ever told you that the Penrose only felt like a home to me once we got together?
It’s true.
In fact the Penrose was the second home I ever had.
The first was the one I shared with my mother.
I was safe there. The world seemed good from a distance.
Elster though. She never complained.
If I needed something cleaned, she would clean it.
If I needed a new change of clothes she would bring it while I was on the shower.
If I needed help getting dressed or showering she would do it.
If I had a crying fit she would hold me close until I feel asleep.
I don’t deserve her.
I got sicker. Too sick in fact.
There is a version of us that had a life like my mother had.
You and me. A small and isolated station.
A quiet life, a kind one.
Right now, you and I in that life, are making love.
You are telling me how much you love me.
Once I can’t walk anymore, I say it’s time.
Elster she didn’t complain. She nodded, said she understood and made sure that it would be quick and painless.
She picked the IV drip I was using, put a bag of some medicine in it, connected it to my catheter. Something was slowly dripping.
I was good and stayed laying in bed while Elster put on a movie for us to see.
My favorite.
Once she lays down with me I ask. “What will happen to me?” I’m not scared. I’m oddly at peace with this.
Elster is to the point. “You will overdose on painkillers.” There’s something to the way she says it. As if she has practiced it. “You won’t feel nothing as your heart stops. In fact, you will be free of pain.” That’s Elster’s way of staying calm. Secure of herself. Make this seem like another task. Otherwise she won’t make it.
“Thank you Elster.”
When I went to live with my aunt everything went downhill.
There’s something wrong with me Elster. You noticed it.
I need things to be a certain way otherwise I have a fit as my aunt would say.
The truth is that I need time away from people. I don’t understand them, I try, I had friends, but it’s hard.
It was difficult to be in school. It was difficult to be around my aunt.
I would cry a lot in my room.
The night goes as any other. We watch a movie together in bed. Elster holding me, caressing me. I feel at ease.
You know what happened next.
I met you.
I felt at home again.
You and I. That was enough for me.
She kisses the back of my neck…
And…
Ellie.
Love you.
Loooove you.
I
llove
you
I
love
ellie
When I got sick I got worried.
For me, yes. But also for you.
What would happen to you if one cycle I just didn’t woke up?
Was I being good to you? Was I saying that I loved you? Was that enough?
How were you feeling? I could feel you were worried. I could hear your thoughts you know?
I know that you are sad. I knew that you want to cry.
I want to hug you Elster.
I want to hug you, tell you that everything will be okay. And it will.
You are being so strong you know? You can cry later when it’s just you and me.
“Ariane.”
I can’t say anything.
I am dead.
Sorry Elster.
Ariane Yeong has passed.
She was thirty two years old.
A member of the Penrose project who worked to spread the Nation through the stars.
She is survived by her mother Iris Yeong and her wife LSTR-512 “Elster Yeong.”
You though.
You held out well.
The first thing you did was to confirm I was gone. And I am.
You tucked me in, turned off the movie and right at the good part, damn. Put on some music. Did some cleaning in my quarters.
Thank you for that.
Afterward you put up my paintings all over the Penrose. As if you wanted to decorate it.
I do have to say, you picked some odd places. The forward and stern halls I approve but the storage? The mess hall?
Really, Elster, the airlock?
I am not complaining. I am dead.
I don’t complain.
But still.
Once you are done though. You made one final stop at the mess hall.
You had a pistol there. Or maybe that was always part of the plan for the Penrose project.
“I love you Ariane.”
Please tell me it was quick.
LSTR-512
Status: Decommissioned.
No, this isn’t right. Elster isn’t a machine, she is a person!
Elster Yeong has passed.
She was, mentally, thirty eight years old.
A member of the Penrose project who worked to spread the Nation through the stars.
She is survived by her LSTR unit sisters and Alina Seo.
That’s more like it.
Now, I know you are surprised.
It’s not normal to wake up in a completely different place than the one you slept in.
Although one of your lives is filled with that. But that’s a cycles of suffering type of life. Time loops. I can explain later.
What matters now though.
What do I want to drink?
Right now we are at a train station, it’s small. Not big. Just a train stop really. The entrance is a little to the side and if we wanted we could even enter without tickets.
Which we can because no one is selling tickets and there’s no trains coming.
So all we can do is wake up here, buy drinks from a machine that never runs out, and talk.
Although all you are doing right now is looking at the sky.
I know how it feels. I was like this too when I got here.
Still. What do I get today? I tried the pineapple juice and I liked it. Even thought I don’t know what a pineapple is. But mango sounds good too. I like the word at least. Mango.
And to be honest with you Ellie, I always default to apple but it’s a tad bland.
That’s when you come to your senses, sees me and sits on the floor.
What flavor do you want Ellie? Pineapple or Mango? Or maybe you want apple?
The awe and disbelief in your eyes is something else. “You are here.” You are so tired.
You took care of me. Now is the other way around.
I sit you at the only bench around, hold you hand and smile at you.
It’s been, to me two months since I arrived here.
For you it’s been a few hours.
“What happened?” You ask me.
Depends.
If you are asking about what happened to me then I can answer that.
I was watching my favorite movie while in bed with you. The last thing I remember feeling before falling asleep was you kissing the back of my neck.
A normal night between us.
You nod. You do this thing with your lips that you do when you are holding back tears.
Later today, when it’s just the two of us at our new home I will let you cry. You bet on that.
Now, if you are asking me about what happened to you then I don’t know.
All I do know is that you died. Same as me and everyone here.
You nod again.
“I made sure you were comfortable.” You say as if you owned me a report. “Put some music for you. Something calm.” Or maybe this is an apology, your way of asking forgiveness for something. For my illness. For my death. “I then put up your paintings around the ship.”
Do you blame yourself Elster?
“Then I.”
You don’t need to say it.
We both stay quiet.
This place is oddly noisy, the good kind.
You can hear the waves from here.
This isn’t the real Vineta, this is more like a perfect place to rest.
“You should pick pineapple.” The way you say apple is so cute, it’s like how you say ship. “You said that apple is bland, and that you liked pineapple.” You are very cute. I know that out of the two of us I am the one that is the cute one and you are the stoic and stern one. But you have so many cute traits.
The way you say somethings is one of them.
“Where are we?” I should explain shouldn’t I?
Alexandra said that this is the garden of gods, where the songs are sang and dreams made.
I don’t know if that’s the case but she said she made this place so I have no reason not to believe her.
Yet I should explain one more thing.
Alexandra is the Grand Empress.
I had the same expression you have when she told me that.
She’s really nice. She likes baking.
She makes some great pie.
“Why am I here?” You choose to keep going, there are many questions to be answered.
Because you and I are intertwined. My fate and yours are together now.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Me neither.”
I want to show you my. Well. Our home.
It’s smaller than the Penrose, bigger than my aunt’s apartment, around the same size of my childhood home.
The living room is quite spacious, we can dance there as well as watch movies. There’s a spot for me to paint. Our room isn’t as big but I think we can have some fun there too.
You take a sip of the pineapple juice. Seems like you enjoy it. Me too.
There’s a room for you. You can do whatever you want there. And there’s a piano too.
“I don’t know how to play.”
We can learn together.
Once we are done drinking the cans disappear. I don’t know where they go. Maybe back at the machine?
They go back to the machine and get filled again.
I take you by hand and we start walking back home.
And. There’s one thing I want to do. Not now, let’s get you used to being in here. But once you are.
I want to have a wedding.
Half a dozen guests. Music. Dancing. You and I saying I do.
What do you think?
Can me and my wife go?
Of course! The half a dozen includes you and your wife;
Who else is going?
If they get here then. My mother and the twins.
Lilith is already here;
Alina will be here soon.
She too if she's here.
Thank you.
“I want that.”
The feeling of your hand on mine.
It’s been so long.
Let’s go home Ellie.
Home.
Elster is my home.
That’s why everything feels better now.
This feels right.
For once things will be okay.
Perhaps this is heaven.