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Blank was the simplest term Henry could use to describe Ellwood's gaze. Blank, dark, fixed to the small notepad emptily as he scribbled, damaging the ball point of his pen. It did hurt that he barely looked at Gaunt, like he hadn't missed him, hadn't needed him. And deep down Gaunt knew he probably hadn't.
"I should've wrote, I just.. there weren't many opportunities where they put me." His hoarse voice was followed by awkward silence. Like he wasn't wanted here.
"It's okay." Ellwood replied curtly, his voice light and unreadable before he continued. "It's not like I would've had any exciting events to write back with. Unless you count all of the death." He snorted, like it was something to laugh about. Gaunt pursed his thin lips. He wanted to know what Ellwood really felt. Wanted to know that he had missed him, had grieved him. Grief wasn't allowed in the trenches. Not enough time or energy. He took a seat in the chair next to the hospital bed, flicking a particle of lint off the armrest.
"Do you still love me?" is what he wanted to ask. Of course he couldn't, not here, with nurses shadowing the room and tending to the other marred soldiers or sickened elderly. So he didn't say anything at all.
Ellwood fell asleep after an hour of silence between them, and Gaunt dropped the book into his lap as he noticed his slowed breathing. From the side in which he sat, the younger man's -no, boys- face looked preserved, untouched by the shrapnel that had struck him. Gaunt stood carefully, his chest aching gently as he made his way to the hospital's kitchen to grab something for himself and Ellwood. They had the usual; stale bread, small sausages. Gaunt grabbed a plate and brought it back upstairs to find a nurse hovering over Ellwood.
"Is he alright?" he asked, raising a brow. The nurse nodded, unfazed.
"He's okay, just changing his bandages." She said, keeping her voice low as to keep from waking the soldier. Gaunt watched her carefully, wondering how Ellwood would be reacting if he were awake. Would he shoo her away, tell her to sod off? Or maybe he would throw out a one-liner, shameless flirt. Gaunt had always been envious of the women who garnered his attention. Thankfully he didn't have to wonder, as Ellwood did wake after a minute or two. He glanced at the nurse and then towards the window, where his gaze would remain for approximately 6 minutes. Gaunt knew this because he counted.
"Make sure he doesn't remove them." The nurse said quickly before rushing off for another patient. Sick of silence, Gaunt spoke.
"When are they letting you out of here?" He asked, blunt fingernails scraping his palm.
"A week, just about." Ellwood finally made eye contact with him now, his eye hooded and plain. Gaunt focused on that and not the mass of bandage covering his other side.
"Mm. Well, that should be nice, right?" more silence. At this point effort was futile. Gaunt sighed and ran a hand through unkempt hair. It had been quite a bit since he'd felt himself, and his thinner frame showed it. Ellwood noticed the gesture.
"You look a bit different." He hummed monotonously. Gaunt blinked, his thin lips pressing into a line.
"So do you."
"Well the difference is that it doesn't look nearly as bad on you." He sighed like the fact was disappointing, and that was because Gaunt knew it was.
"Not that I can judge, now that i'm quite ruined myself."
"You're not ruined, Elly-"
"-I am. You don't have to sugarcoat it, Gaunt." He snorted. Ellwood was always snorting, sighing, huffing, and puffing. Gaunt wished he had enough air for that in his damaged lungs.
The first few weeks after Ellwood's discharge from the hospital were.. tense, to say the least. Gaunt had insisted he would take good enough care of him as per Mrs. Ellwood's request, and they had decided on a flat in Liverpool. Gaunt had liked it because of its proximity to the various bookstores, something Ellwood might have been excited about before his time on the front. Ellwood did not care about it now.
The flat was spacious for what it was worth, which wasn't surprising because of the influx of income they had nothing to do with. Once upon a time Ellwood would have picked out every decoration, every wallpaper in each room. Not these walls.
"It smells like the city." He sniffed, walking in with a hand on the wall. His depth perception was still askew, but he had slapped Gaunt's hand away when offered in assistance.
"We're in the city, love."
"Yes. Doesn't mean it's a pleasant smell. God, I hate England." The brunette said with an exasperated sigh, falling back onto the already-placed sofa. He kicked off his shoes and closed his eyes, head falling back. Gaunt watched him for a few moments, deep in thought before cracking a window open to alleviate the ache building in his chest.
"How do you think maroon would look in this room?" He asked, making conversation, taking a deep breath of the air coming through the window before looking over at Ellwood.
"Mm. Tacky. Do what you like, I don't care." He sighed. It was impossible to get him to speak on anything nowadays. Gaunt walked over to the kitchen counter. Thankfully the flat was mostly an open layout, so he could keep his eye on Ellwood. They had yet to buy any groceries; not that either of them had big appetites recently. Involuntary calorie deficits did that to men in the trenches. The hunger built like an ache until it felt like a burning pit in one's stomach, until it faded and food didn't seem to matter much anymore.
He grabbed two glasses of water and walked back to the sofa where Ellwood was sitting. His hand brushed the smaller man's, and he watched Ellwood drink. The air was stuffy with dried paint, and pigeons flew in bunches outside.
"Do you want to go down to the bookstore?" He asked carefully.
"I'm utterly exhausted. I doubt there's anything worth reading down there anyways." Ellwood said as he swirled his drink in the glass.
"We can go to bed instead then." Gaunt said flatly, giving up. Ellwood either did not notice his deflation, or chose not to comment. The brunette got up and stretched, muttering something about his poor balance before walking to the bedroom.
The room was dark aside from the moonlight coming through the window. Gaunt laid on his back, turning his head to look at Ellwood, who was very much awake.
"I was thinking we could get dinner at that place down the street tomorrow." He sighed tiredly, expecting nothing in return. Ellwood rolled onto his side, brown eye fixing on Gaunt's face.
"Okay." Ellwood said, and for once his voice wasn't cold, or rough. He reached out and cleared a strand of Gaunt's hair from his face, initially poking him in the eye. Gaunt didn't flinch; he knew how terrible Ellwood's depth perception was. He just tilted his head into the touch, savoring the temporary affection. These days it was rare Ellwood even looked at him at all.
"Do you think we could go to the bookstore, too? I've been wanting to read Wilfred Owen's latest. All the ladies at the library fuss about it." Ellwood said quietly. Gaunt nodded, even though he knew Ellwoood probably couldn't see him in the dark. He ignored the fact he had asked him about that exact store earlier, to which Ellwood had refused. Rolling over, he wrapped an arm around the other man's narrow waste.
"Whatever you like."
By the time Gaunt awoke Ellwood had left the bed; this was odd because he was very anal about his sleep. Getting up and slipping on a robe, Gaunt looked for him first in his office, where he usually remained. When he wasn't there, Gaunt began to get a bit worried. It wasn't often Ellwood got out of bed to make questionable or even dangerous decisions, but it still happened.
His aching chest was put to ease as he found him in the kitchen, drinking tea.
"Christ, Sidney." He murmured, resting against the counter. "You nearly gave me a heart attack. Why are you up?"
Ellwood arched a dark brow. "Were you hoping I'd sleep later?" He murmured, fixing him a look over the rim of his cup. Gaunt sighed. Here we go again.
"No, Elly. I'm glad you're up."
"Sure. Or perhaps you were hoping you'd have to deal with me a few hours less?" Ellwood said. Gaunt just gazed out the window, not responding. He never had much to say in response to Ellwood's mood swings.
"If you're just going to ignore me, I'll go out then." He commented, washing out his cup. Gaunt wanted to rip his hair out in frustration. Instead he chose peace, stepping up behind the other man, he took the cup from his hands and squeezed him tightly from behind.
"We said we would get dinner later, love. No need to fuss." He murmured, resting his chin on the brunette's shoulder. Ellwood exhaled.
"When?" He asked, not quite relaxing yet.
"How about six?" He tested. He almost smiled at Ellwood's indigent huff.
"That's too late."
"Five o'clock, my liege?" He pressed a peck to his marred cheek.
"Okay."
Just like that, and Ellwood was in a cheery mood once more.
"Marvelous. Five o'clock should give me plenty of time to get ready, and write back to that publisher. Should I wear that blue jacket? Or maybe I shouldn't, I don't like the way it makes my shoulders look-"
"-Anything is fine, darling. You fret too much." Gaunt murmured. Ellwood thought deeply as he left Gaunt's embrace for the study.
Dinner was an affair. There were people about, too many for Ellwood's liking.
"I fucking despise children sometimes." He muttered, looking down at the table cloth while Gaunt watched him from over the menu. How badly he wanted to take his hand and reassure him, but the public surely wouldn't allow that.
"Ignore them, Elly." He said, sighing and looking for the presumed offender. It was a little blond boy, staring over at their table while his mother murmured something to her husband in German. Gaunt understood every word, being she was gossiping about some neighborhood affairs. He turned back to Ellwood.
"He doesn't know any better. I'm sure he's only staring because he's curious."
"I don't care if he's just curious, it's very rude."
"You know, in Germany staring is natural."
"Well I'm not German, Henry. You are." He scoffed. Gaunt bit his tongue and watched him.
"You look fine, Sidney."
There was no reply, so he placed his menu down.
"Do you want to split the spaghetti?" He asked. Ellwood reluctantly nodded.
So they ordered the spaghetti, and their conversations thankfully distracted Ellwood from the stares his face drew.
"You know, I normally can't stand meatballs, but those were quite scrummy." Ellwood said, taking in the musky scent of paperbacks as they stepped into the bookstore. Gaunt smiled at his comment, watching him go off to frolick among the shelves.
This shop was relatively small, but Ellwood liked it because it usually lacked a large crowd of readers. Ellwood picked out a few books, coming up to the counter with gaunt following behind with a dictionary of his own.
The clerk looked between them without another word, yet Gaunt didn't miss the way his gaze lingered on Ellwood. They had been here times before, and Gaunt suspected the man was privy to their.. eccentricities. Gaunt wondered what drew in the clerk's subtle gaze; Ellwoods disfigurement, or the handsomely intact side. He chose not to dwell on the thought as their books were handed back.
The walk back was refreshing, thank God. Dusk had fallen, and people were starting to turn in for the night, too busy soothing crying children or moody husbands to stare at a couple of odd men traversing the street.
"I'm going to take a bath. You will too, won't you?" Ellwood asked as they locked the door behind them. Gaunt raised a brow at the insinuation. In the days on divisional rest, baths before bed had always meant.. well.
He shifted. "Yes. Now that you mention it, I should." He said. Ellwood hummed.
"Great. Well, you can go first. I'm going to go mark these up and put them in the study." He said lightly before walking off. Gaunt just blinked, biting his lip in implication before heading off to bathe.
Once he was done Gaunt pulled on some briefs and a robe, not bothering with a shirt as he rarely did. He propped himself up in bed with a novel, oil lamp flickering on the nightstand adjacent to him. He could hear Ellwood in the shower, his stomach turning with anticipation- part excitement, part apprehension. it had been months, to be completely transparent. Months of walking on eggshells and not even risking a request for intimacy.
Once Ellwood was done Gaunt pretended to be absorbed in his reading, tracing his half naked form in his peripheral. The brunette climbed into bed, lying next to him and gently lifting the book from his hands. Once it was set aside, Gaunt eagerly accepted the press of Ellwood's soft lips against his own. He didn't make a sound as Ellwood shifted to hover over him, a hand lifting to cup his jaw and encourage his affection.
Gaunt didn't know what he would do if Sidney stopped now. He watched eagerly as Ellwood mouthed down his exposed chest; to his cotton waist band, to the growing bulge just beneath. Henry gasped softly as Ellwood palmed at his member through the fabric, Henry propping himself up on his elbows to watch.
Sidney pulled the waist band down after what felt like hours, taking Gaunt into his mouth with practiced ease despite months of abstinence.
"Elly." He sighed softly, hand falling to a head of chocolate curls. The man below hummed, picking up his pace and drawing more pleasure with hollowed cheeks. Gaunt's soft noises grew less faint, as he clasped a palm over his own lips to quiet down.
Once he was finished, Ellwood crawled back up his body, meeting his lips in an all-too-tender kiss. Gaunt moaned weakly, going willingly as Ellwood spread his legs apart. Their briefs had been long forgotten- somewhere abandoned on the floor.
Gaunt did not flinch when he felt Ellwood preparing him. Teasing, stretching, aggravatingly fucking slow. After Gaunt's wordless complaint, Sidney gave in, strong hand bracing against the headboard as he worked himself into Henry. The brunette cursed under his breath, his other hand aimlessly palming; Gaunt's damaged chest, strong abdomen, capable thighs.
Heavy breaths left the two of them as Sidney pumped generously.
"Sidney, darling-"
"I know." He cut him off, mouthing and biting and licking his jaw and neck. Henry's sharp breaths were the loudest noise in the room, followed by his weak moans. he had never been especially vocal in bed, no, but that didn't mean he was entirely quiet.
Ellwood moved faster, burying his length between Gaunt's legs, and his face in the crook of his neck.
"Sidney."
"I know." Ellwood repeated, avoiding his gaze.
"Sidney." Gaunt whimpered, his blunt fingernails scrabbling against the other man's back.
Ellwood couldn't look. Wouldn't.
"Tell me you love me." Gaunt strained. Ellwood smothered his words with his lips.
"I love you." He murmured. It ate at him, enough to make him turn his face away and focus on coming.
After they had finished, the room sat quiet aside from the occasional cricket outside, or the rustle of leaves in the night breeze. They had cleaned up thoroughly though fatigued, finding their respective sides in bed. Ellwood on his side, facing the wall as he ran a tentative finger over the maimed portion of his skin.
"Are you tired?" Gaunt asked, shifting closer behind him. Ellwood tensed just slightly.
"A bit." He said, tone clipped. Gaunt's well-muscled arm constricted his waist.
"You're still skinny, darling." Henry murmured, absently mouthing at the nape of his neck. Ellwood exhaled, a long stream through his nose, before rolling around to face him.
"What would you like me to do about it, then?"
"You don't have to do anything. But, I don't like having to feel each and every one of your ribs. You have to eat, Elly."
Sidney closed his eyes, nuzzling Gaunt's collarbone. "Not everyone can stuff their face for every meal like you, love." He said, a tinge of humour in his voice. Gaunt smiled.
"Are you calling me fat?"
"I like you like this."
"So I am fat?"
"No, Henry. You're just.. solid." He murmured, earning a scoff from the blond.
"Enough with this conversation. I'm exhausted." Sidney said, rolling his eyes in the dim light. Their lips met in a small peck before Henry reached over and flicked off the lamp.
Henry awoke to a bit of prodding, eyes peeling open to see Sidney shoving him gently.
"Can you get up already? I need you to put up that frame." He said impatiently.
"Christ, can't you do it?"
"Are you good for anything? Get up." Ellwood pat his side playfully before leaving the room. Somebody's in a good mood, Gaunt thought. He got out of bed with a hoarse yawn, his battered lungs aching a bit. Walking into the foyer, he spotted Ellwood propped up on a chair with a book in his hand and glasses hung on his nose.
"You're not even going to help?"
"You want to force the disfigured veteran to strain himself?"
Gaunt barked out a sharp laugh, rolling his eyes before hanging the frame.
While the morning was short, Gaunt was content since they had made it through with no altercations. Nothing good lasts forever. He sighed inwardly at the sound of shrill yelling outside. He ran out of the front door, finding Ellwood down in the yard of the flat, yelling at a woman.
"Elly. What is going on?" He asked quickly, taking his arm and making sure not to get too touchy. Not in public. Ellwood continued to glare at the woman, hands flying up in exclamation.
"This hag can't keep her heavy feet to herself. She fucked up the grass line, Henry. Do you know how long that took?!" Ellwood was clearly pressed. The woman was arguing back, only making it worse.
"It's a damn lawn, sir, I doubt you'll lose your head over it." She said. Gaunt reacted swiftly as Ellwood picked up a rock.
"Jesus Christ, Elly- Put that down!" He took the stone, tossing it somewhere out of view as the startled woman lowered her defensive position. Ellwood twisted himself out of Gaunt's grip and stormed inside.
Gaunt wiped his brow and met her gaze. "I'm sorry about him, I really am. He's a veteran, he's got shell shock." He said, keeping his voice steady. The woman just scoffed.
"Shell shock or not, you better put that man somewhere he can't harass people. You're lucky I won't press charges for attempted assault." She sneered. "We can all see his face, darling. You don't need to tell us he's a veteran."
Some time ago, Gaunt's temper would've gotten the best of him. He would've stalked over, clocked her across the face and disregarded the repercussions. Now, he kept his hands by his sides and did not respond as the woman walked off. The grass line, as Ellwood had described, was barely scuffed; dirt smudging the sidewalk near it. Gaunt kicked at it violently, cursing.
"Fucking bitch." He muttered, walking inside briskly. Sidney was sitting on the sofa stiffly.
"You can't do that. You just can't." Gaunt said firmly. Ellwood looked up with a narrowed gaze.
"She's a bitch. She fucked up my grass line- it took me hours-"
"I don't care how long it took, Sidney. This entire neighborhood thinks you're mental. I'm sick of dealing with your outbursts." He bit out. He didn't mean all of it, not really. But nonetheless Ellwood stood.
"I knew it. Fine, then. If I'm such a burden, I'll leave." He was stopped by Gaunt's hand.
"Elly."
"Nice to know how you really feel about me, Henry." Ellwood sniffed. Gaunt just pulled him into his chest, holding him there despite his squirms. Henry was tire. He was so tired.
"Darling." Henry called from the kitchen, waiting for a reply. Ellwood hummed absently. "Dinner's ready." He murmured, moving aside once Ellwood came to the stove.
"Oh. What did you make?" He asked, brushing against his side. The fight from earlier had been long forgotten; or just shoved into a jar and ignored.
"Bratwurst. Mother's recipe." He said. Ellwood hummed. "The one she made when we were in Munich?" Ellwood asked, looking over his shoulder.
Dinner was nice. Nice, because they had pleasant conversations on the porch without being stared at, surprisingly enough. Afterward, Ellwood took to washing the dishes. Gaunt prepared for bed, undressing and making the bed for sleep. Sidney joined after a few minutes, coming up behind him and meeting Gaunt's gaze in their mirror.
"I'm sorry." Quiet, shameful as it left the brunette's mouth.
"I know." Gaunt said, taking the hand that had rested against his dented ribcage. He brought it up and kissed Ellwood's palm.
"We need to work on your temper. I'm serious, Sidney." The brown eye in the mirror looked down.
"I know. I will."
"If it happens again, I'll go stay with Eddy for a week." Ellwood met his eyes immediately.
"Are you serious? No you will fucking not, you know I don't like-"
"I'm joking, darling. But really. If it happens again, i'm going to be upset."
They got into bed together. No sex tonight, probably no sex for another month, if things went the same they had been going. Ellwood held him tightly. Gaunt kissed him goodnight, running a hand through those dark curls he loved so much.