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You’re sure many people can say what you’re about to say, but you mean it with every single bone in your body.
You did not mean to fall in love with Ze.
Ze used to be the guy you felt comfortable enough to joke around with. You could just be… Well, you. That’s just not an option anymore.
Jokes you would’ve made with him months ago felt awkward now, landing flat the moment they were made. Honestly, not even just jokes feel weird to you, it’s literally just spending time together that ticks you off!
These days it feels like you’re just sitting on a bomb that’s about to go off. One day you’re going to mess up and say something that makes him uncomfortable, then he’ll leave. You’re good at doing that.
That’s why you sit in a tense silence, the crackling of the fire Ze had set up in your makeshift fire pit being the only thing keeping you grounded.
Neither of you make a move. Like, seriously, neither of you seem to be physically moving. It’s like you’re both statues, unable to speak or even breathe. Ze almost breaks this silent game of yours as he clears his throat and opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it once you glance at him. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think you’d done something wrong.
…
Shit, did you do something wrong?
Maybe you said something weird on accident and Ze now knows you have a crush on him. Is that what happened? Is that why he’s acting weird right now?
Oh god, you’re a horrible friend. You’ve managed to gain an unfairly massive crush on Ze and now he probably feels suffocated and annoyed and he’s probably only brought you out to start a fire because he wants to let you down gently.
The more you think about it, the worse you begin to feel. He sees you as a creep. A gross, opportunistic creep with only the worst intentions.
You don’t notice how you’re bouncing your leg up and down in your anxious state until Ze places a hand on your shoulder, making you flinch back to the real world.
“Hey,” He says, his voice much too friendly for your liking, “You… okay?”
Yup, and there he goes again. He keeps finding the worst ways to worm himself into your heart! The stupid organ picks up speed as a less mature side of you zeroed in on his hand.
You nod quickly, feeling uncomfortable with how much you enjoy being worried about. It feels like you’re… Like you’re violating him somehow. You don’t like it.
“I actually, uh… I think I’m a little tired,” You say lamely, rising to your feet, “I should head to bed.”
You attempt to make the short trip back to the house and retreat back to your room, a safe space for you to wallow in your guilt, but your escape is cut short by Ze grabbing you by the wrist.
He says your name and you hesitantly turn your head back to face him, “Did I do something?” He asks, his tone concerned in a way that almost breaks your heart.
You respond quicker than you ever have before, a firm and panicked “No,” coming from your mouth. “What made you- Why- Why do you think you did something?”
“You’ve just been so, I dunno, distant lately…” He averts his eyes and stares at the ground, “I thought maybe I did something to make you mad.”
Ah. Now that is what really did you in.
The words tumble out of your mouth before you can even stop them, just desperate to make him feel better. “Y-You didn’t do anything wrong, Ze, I swear. I’m just being stupid and- and dramatic and you don’t even have to worry about it, okay? You’re perfectly fine.”
“Then why are you acting so weird?” He asks the dreaded question.
You take a deep breath in, trying to steel your nerves. You knew you’d have to fess up to him someday, but you’d never actually thought about how you’d do it. Maybe if you had actually put some thought into it you could’ve avoided it being so hard to spit out.
“…Hello?” He pushes.
You exhale with a sigh, remembering you actually had to communicate and couldn’t rely on him reading your mind. “No, sorry, I just… I-It’s hard.”
“Oh.” Ze paused for a moment, both of you silent before he let go of your hand. “Yeah, no, you’re right. It was a stupid question anyway, sorry.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
“I never said that.” You shut him down quickly, surprising yourself when you grab him by the shoulders. You don’t let go, though. You find yourself more surprised by how badly you want to continue, actually. You want to soothe any doubts he may have, you want to reassure him that he’s not the problem at all.
Despite all these wants of yours, you don’t actually say anything. Not yet. You weren’t lying when you said it was hard, not a tiny bit. Like, this would basically be a confession, something that’s going to have really big consequences no matter what his answer is (and you’re pretty sure you already know it).
Ze, as expected, beats you to the punch. As in he actually punches you in the middle of your ribcage. It doesn’t hurt at all—no, he’s being gentle on purpose—but it does surprise you enough to get your hands off him.
He lets out a small chuckle, one you recognize as a little too forced, before speaking. “You were right, it’s getting late. I’ll- I’ll just put the fire out, you can go to bed now.”
Ze doesn’t wait for a response from you, turning away to begin stamping out the fire.
Wow, look at you… Just ruining the mood all the time, huh? You made him feel bad and now he’s doing the thing where he shuts off. You didn’t mean to hurt him, but now that you have it feels like someone’s trying to squeeze your heart like an orange.
You’re too focused on the crippling guilt you feel to comprehend what slips out of your mouth next.
“I like you.”
Instantly, you freeze, feeling the color slowly drain from your face as he mimics you and stops moving. Once he slowly turns his head to look at you, you wish you were dead.
“Whuh…?” The concept of a question escapes him.
Okay, well, it looks like you’re doing this then. A part of you is relieved that you’re finally letting it all out, though you wish it wasn’t being done out of guilt.
“I… I don’t expect you to like me back or- ahah- at all after this, but… um…” You stammer, picking at your fingernails, “I like you. A lot. And so I was just really nervous and I was making things awkward and it’s not your fault at all.”
Nothing follows your confession, the silence being so loud it’s almost deafening. You’re about to turn around and run to get your ass inside, but Ze grabs your attention by clearing his throat.
“Is… Is that all?” He asks. “I didn’t do anything?”
You hesitate for a moment before shaking your head, preparing yourself for the worst. Preparing yourself for a rejection that will never come as he steps closer and wraps his arms around you in a hug.
“Thank god, man.” He chuckled. “I- I thought you just started hating me or something.”
You’re… confused. Why wasn’t he turning you down? The lack of rejection throws you for a loop. He’s never given you a reason to think any of your feelings were actually reciprocated, so what was this?
“I… Sorry?” You say, an arm sliding up to awkwardly pat him on the back.
“Oh yeah, you should be.” He says, though his tone isn’t exactly serious. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” He asks as he pulls away from you. You miss it already.
“I- I just didn’t think you liked me back?” You respond, being met with a toothy grin. You aren’t sure if it’s the shadows or not, but Ze seems to be blushing as he speaks back.
“Well, I do.”