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Shane woke abruptly, with that weird feeling of having missed something important. The room was still and quiet, but when he rolled over, Ilya's side of the bed was empty. The clock said 2:13, so Shane stretched out and tried to go back to sleep, but with no luck. He was awake now, and he was a little worried about Ilya.
Shane tiptoed downstairs. The living room and kitchen were both dark, but a shadow moving outside drew Shane's attention. Ilya was on the deck, facing the lake, back to Shane.
Shane sighed; he was smoking.
It wasn't that big of a surprise, really, but it ratcheted Shane's anxiety up. Ilya hadn't smoked much over the last several years, but every time he had, it was when he was stressed and struggling to talk about it. He smoked the night before he announced his retirement, a few months ago - a year after Shane and a year before he'd wanted to.
Shane had caught him outside in the middle of the night, curls teased into a fluffy mess from anxious fingers, stinking up their back porch. They'd talked, and finally Ilya had stubbed out the remaining half of his cigarette and dragged Shane up against his body so they could watch the sun rise together.
It certainly wasn't the first time Shane had caught him smoking. The very first time they'd ever spoken, Ilya'd had a cigarette in his mouth, leaning nonchalantly beneath a No Smoking sign. Shane should have taken one look at that tableau and thought, "Oh boy, I'm in trouble," but of course hindsight was 20-20. Now, looking back, Shane knew the cool cucumber that had flummoxed him into stumbling through an awkward introduction was feeling equally as uncomfortable and out of place - not that he'd ever admit that out loud - and that was the reason he'd been out there lighting up at all.
And again, right before several of their uncertain and undefined early encounters, the night before his first game for the Cens, after the plane…Ilya smoked when he was anxious, and that made Shane anxious. Because the new life they were embarking on was rife with potential for anxiety, but Shane had hoped that Ilya's coping skills had developed in other directions, and if Ilya was stressed enough to be out smoking, during their first fully retired fall together…well, it wasn't a good sign.
Shane slid the patio door open, bracing himself for what he would find, what state Ilya would be in. Maybe this had all been too rushed. Maybe they should have said no, taken more time to adjust to retirement before -
"And then, zvezdochka, I will get you a tiny little jet ski of your own and we will go all across the lake." Ilya bounced to the side, and Shane could see now, the little bundle in his arms. He wasn't smoking at all. Eva must have woken up and Ilya got up and took her outside without waking Shane.
"Are you planning to get our baby into dangerous water sports before she can even walk?" Shane asked wryly.
Ilya turned and grinned at Shane, his eyes flicking up and down as they always did, taking all of Shane in. "Boring Daddy will teach you to do things like tie your shoes and feel anxious about whether the electricity bill got paid, and Fun Daddy will teach you how to do a poke check and fall off a jet ski."
Shane wrapped his arms around Ilya's middle, tucking himself into the shape he and Eva made. "Does she need a bottle?"
"I already gave her one. And then she had a little trouble burping so we came outside to enjoy the view. I tried not to wake you." Ilya's brow furrowed as he pressed a kiss to the tip of Shane's nose. "You have been up too much the last few weeks."
"Well, I spent a whole year sitting on my ass throwing popcorn at the TV while you played hard with a messed up knee, so it only seemed fair." Shane cupped Eva's tiny head with his hand, stroking the soft fuzz that was almost hair. She gurgled back, little fists waving in the air..
"I do not mind," Ilya murmured. "Is worth it."
"You know, for a minute, I thought you were out here smoking."
"You have cigarettes and you did not share with me?" Ilya said to Eva.
Shane smacked him. "I meant you. I didn't even know she was with you."
"Jackie said if they cry and will not stop, bring them outside or get them wet."
"Get them wet? Like spritz them with the plant thingy?"
"Like put them in the bath, Hollander, not spray them like a naughty cat." Ilya snorted.
"Oh, yeah. That makes sense." Shane leaned back against the deck railing and watched his husband rock their daughter. The call had come only a few weeks after they'd finished all their pre-processing with the agency, and an adoption that they were warned could take years turned into a whirlwind of immediate preparation. Eva's birth mom had chosen them, and now she was theirs. "You look good with a baby."
"Helps that I look good with everything."
Shane snorted. "Well, you sure look good on my porch with my baby in your arms and my ring on your finger."
"There is no place I would rather be." Ilya steadied Eva in the crook of his arm and used the other to pull Shane in, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He smelled like baby laundry soap, coconut oil, and sandalwood body wash. They looked out at the dark lake together, listening to the gentle lap of the water against the dock.
A loon called in the dark, and Ilya jumped, making Shane bark out a laugh and Eva start wriggling again. Shane pressed a kiss to where Ilya's tattoo lurked under his ratty old Boston t-shirt. "I'm glad you're not smoking."
Ilya looked down at the little bundle in his arms. He pressed a kiss to Eva's forehead. "Yes, I don't think I'll ever do that again."
"Never?"
"Maybe one cigar at her wedding."
"I can't believe some day she might get married. And she'll walk and talk and skate and…"
"Maybe not in that order," Ilya said.
"No?"
"No, she will skate before she can talk."
Eva yawned, her tiny eyes fluttering closed, and Shane couldn't help his soft smile. When he looked at Ilya, he was doing the same.
"She's probably good to go back to bed," Shane whispered.
Ilya pressed a kiss to Shane's forehead. "Or maybe we stay up and just stare at her all night."
Shane rested his head on Ilya's shoulder. "Yeah, maybe we do that."