Chapter Text
Blitzø
“I love you, Blitz,” Stolas said.
I laughed a bit, pulling away from the embrace. “You too,” I turned away, starting to head back to my desk. Not that I really needed to do paperwork right now, but Moxxie was refusing to do it and it did need to be done at some point and-
And maybe I was avoiding what I knew was coming. I mean, I knew Stolas and despite my back being turned I could just picture exactly what his face looked like. The way it drooped with sorrow because of something I did and- and I hated doing that to him but I just… didn't know what to do about it. I wasn’t good at any of this; even if I wanted to be.
“You can say it back, you know,” Stolas said quietly.
I sighed. “I did.”
“You didn’t. Not properly,” I could see him cross his arms in my peripheral vision.
I turned back, but Stolas’ gaze was fixed to the floor. “You know I do love you, though. Why do I need to say it?” I leaned against my desk.
“It’s the principle of it. And-” Stolas dropped his arms, looking at me again. “You and I both know there’s more to this, Blitz. I’ve tried my best to give you time, but I- I want you to stop hiding from me, please. If you are truly not ready, then fine, but… well, I do believe you’re just running away from things again, and I don’t want that to happen. I want you to trust me.”
I clutched the desk tightly, trying really hard to not walk away- or rather, run away, just like Stolas said. I want to run somewhere where I don't have to think about all of this and could shut my brain off with drugs or alcohol or- or anything. But no, I cemented my feet to the ground and took a breath. I did trust Stolas. I did want to try. It was just so hard. “I’m not good at this. You know that.”
“I do,” he took a step towards me. I clenched my jaw. “But I also know you want this as much as I want it. And practice and communication is the only way you are going to get better.”
I knew that. Didn’t make it easier, though. “I- I’m scared, Stols.”
“Scared of what, darling? You can tell me,” Stolas took another step, and was already in front of me. Stupid giant bird legs. He put both of his hands on mine, and gently pulled my grasp from the desk. He clutched my hands in his firmly, and I could feel his eyes on me.
“I’ve always been like this. Commitment just… it’s never been my style. You’re the first person I’ve wanted for longer than like, a day, and- and I do trust you but it’s just- it’s scary, okay?” I couldn’t look at Stolas as I talked.
“I struggle to believe you’ve always been like this, Blitz. I know how much you care about others, and I feel there’s more to this story than you are letting on,” Stolas saw right through me. Stupid fucking… in-tune-with-his-emotions-ass-bird.
“I- I…” I shook my head, not wanting to relive this all. Not wanting it to be true.
A moment passed. Then, Stolas asked a question. “Is this about your… first love?” He spoke delicately.
I nodded. I squeezed Stolas’ hands before pulling away, hopefully signaling that I loved the physical touch but just had to pace right now. As I walked the length of my office over and over, words just started coming out. “It was- I- I was a stupid teenager. And we were… you know, childhood best friends, Fizz and I. I was gonna confess on his birthday and- and yeah, it was as stupid and cliché as it sounds. I always looked up to him… he was always the better out of us two, He was more talented, more charming, more friendly… more desirable in every way. But you know what? He never bragged. Not once. He always treated me as an equal, even as we grew up and he only got better at performing. I always felt loved around him. I spent… an embarrassing amount of time writing a- a love letter to him. It was far from perfect, but I really, really, tried. But when I went to give it to him at the party… seeing all the attention he got all at once- I mean, satan, he deserved it. But it- it hurt. It was like I saw the future in real time. Fizz would always get to be a famous performer and I- I was gonna fall to the wayside. Become just another goon, like every untalented Wrathian imp. And so, I did one of the only things I’m good at and I ran from my problems. And… Well, that only created more problems. I caused the fucking accident and I- I lost any chance I’d had at keeping the only genuine connection I ever had, ” I stopped talking before the tears could start. I actually lost more than that, but I was not going to think about that right now. I pushed my back against the wall, sliding down it. I brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them tightly.
Stolas strode over to me, silently joining me on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Blitz. I truly am.”
I leaned into him, resting my head on his arm. I wanted to say thank you, but I didn’t want to start fucking crying. Stolas moved his arm, wrapping it around me, and I pressed myself against him, burying myself in the soft fabric of his sweater. “I thought… I thought Fizz forgiving me would fix me. But it didn’t.”
“Well,” Stolas found my hand with the arm he didn’t have wrapped around me. He ran his thumb along it gently. “Forgiveness likely helped, but it’ll never be a fix-all solution, you know? Trauma like that, especially so young, it runs deep. Your brain experienced romantic love for the first time as it experienced severe trauma. Those two things are now interconnected in your head. Even though you and I logically know that loving like that again won’t cause more hurt, it’s a lot harder to convince your emotions and your traumatized brain that.”
“You read that in a book?” I mumbled.
Stolas smiled. “Yes. doesn’t make it any less true.”
I nodded. “You’re right. Thank you,” my voice cracked, “for… you know. Helping. And being patient with me.”
“Of course, Blitzy,” he leaned down to kiss my forehead. “And thank you, for trusting me.”
I nodded again, the tears that threatened to burst finally rolling down my face. Stolas started to hug me tighter with the one arm around me, but I found myself crawling into his lap. There, he properly hugged me. I just… let myself cry into his sweater. I felt pathetic, but I couldn’t stop. It was weird. Good weird, though, I think.
A couple moments passed until I was able to pull myself away just a bit. “I know I’m bad at this, but I- I am glad we’re trying this again.”
Stolas smiled. “As am I,” he tilted my chin up, and I reached up to kiss him. “You truly are one of the best things in my life, Blitz.”
I nodded, taking a moment before I found the words. “I love you, Stolas.”
He grinned. “I love you too, darling.”
I kissed Stolas again, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Thank satan you’re patient, huh?”
He laughed. “And thank satan you realized just how much I love you.”
I nodded, settling back into his lap. “I- I never really thought you hated me. I just… struggle to see that anyone could actually like me, you know?”
Stolas shrugged. “I mean, I get it. I’ll just never hate you.”
“And that’s more than I deserve after what I put you through,” I laughed.
“Hey, we’ve talked about this. I am also to blame for what happened,” he brought a hand to his lips, kissing it gently.
“I know, I know,” I took a breath, “but hey, it’s all in the past now, right?”
“Exactly. We have each other again,” Stolas rested his head on the spot between my horns.
“Yeah, you’re trapped with me now,” I grinned.
Stolas laughed. “Oh, would one say I’m tied up here?”
“Mm, you will be later,” I replied, my hands travelling up his sides.
Stolas lifted his head, leaning down to kiss me. “Promise?”
“Duh,” I pulled him closer.
“Good,” he grinned.