Chapter Text
Joshua’s mind has always been about studying; not because he wanted to, but because he needed to.
To him, going out is one thing, but being a perfect student is everything.
But is he even a perfect student?
If you would ask him, he’d definitely say yes—but if you ask him on a deeper level, he’d tell you no. Yes, he has high grades, perfect scores, and he has everything that every student wants academically, but there’s one thing he doesn’t have—a loving parent.
“What are you thinking?” Jeonghan asked, and Joshua shook his head as a response.
“Punta tayo sa paborito nating cafe, I'll treat you.”
“May babasahin pa ako.”
“Mamaya na ‘yan, magpahinga ka muna.”
“Hindi talaga pwede, kailangan ko na rin umuwi pagkatapos nito.”
“Edi sa cafe ka na lang magbasa?”
“Mapapagalitan ak—” Jeonghan held Joshua's wrist before he could finish his sentence.
“Mas mapapagalitan ka nang malala kung magpapatagal ka pa bago sumama sa akin.”
When the two are in the cafe, Jeonghan orders their favorite milk tea flavor and two serves of takoyaki.
“You know me too well, Han.”
“Of course, how can I not?”
Joshua leans back on his chair while reading, while the latter just watches him read like he’s something more interesting than the actual book.
Pretty isn’t enough to describe the person in front of him.
Jeonghan just keeps staring until someone covers his eyes, and when he removes it, he sees Seungcheol, who is currently taking a video of them.
“Hindi kaya matunaw 'yan, pre?”
“Wag ka naman ganyan sa tropa natin, Cheol,” said Mingyu who was the one who covered Jeonghan’s eyes.
“Ulol, gusto mo lang magpalibre!” Seungcheol then slightly slaps Mingyu’s arm.
“Tangina, ingay niyo. Hindi makakapagbasa nang maayos si Shua.”
“Sorry, boss.” Mingyu said sarcastically.
Jeonghan gave them a sharp stare to warn them. Later on, he gave ₱300 and told them to find another table.
Seungkwan
Kita ko ‘yon 👀👀
??
the what?
Type mo, ‘no?
Jeonghan’s playing basketball
And you are staring at him.
because I am watching them??
You hate basketball and its players, remember? you don't watch it.
he’s my friend.
Yeah, sure.
You literally make excuses just to not watch our friends playing bball.
I’m always busy, you know that.
stop making up stories.
Sure, Joshua.
Watch my boyfriend’s bball game with me next week, Saturday, 5 pm.
let’s see if I can.
These past few days, Joshua has been very busy. He makes himself busy—finishing projects and reports, advanced reviewing, and plans for the upcoming university event. He also makes sure that his parents see him being busy so going out would not be a problem.
Whenever Jeonghan sees him, he will give him food or dessert to cheer him up or motivate him even more.
One thing about Jeonghan is that he was, and still is, there for his friends—especially for Joshua. Wherever Joshua is, Jeonghan’s there—through heaven or hell, he won’t leave him all alone by himself.
And maybe, that was the reason why Joshua feels so comfortable with Jeonghan—because he feels his love for him and fills his void with love—though it was always just platonically.
“Entropy is the measure of how spread out energy is. For example, when you freeze water, it becomes an ice cube—meaning the molecules and energy are more organized. But what happens when it melts? It becomes more disorganized because the molecules and energy are more spread out and chaotic.”
“Paano po malalaman kung high order or low order ang entropy?” someone from their class asked.
“Well, imagine the particles being neat and barely moving. The entropy is low because the system is more ordered. But if the particles are spread out and moving freely, like melted ice, then the entropy is high because the system is more disordered.”
“Let’s think of it this way,” the professor said as he drew two opposite arrows—one pointing upward and the other downward. “The higher the entropy, the lower the order. And the lower the entropy, the higher the order.”
The class was dismissed early, which means Joshua has to organize the plan for the upcoming event—then, there’s Jeonghan who appears out of nowhere.
Joshua is next to the window of their room, so Jeonghan sits next to him. “Shua...” he looks at him and raises one eyebrow as a response. “Have you...” As Jeonghan’s face gets closer to his, Joshua’s face also turns red.
The two were like friends who were about to kiss for the first time. Joshua leaning on the wall, looking into Jeonghan’s eyes with obvious shock; while Jeonghan, getting closer to someone he wants to ruin the friendship with, looks like he is about to give in anytime and kiss the person he was in love with all this time.
If you don’t know them, you’d literally assume they’re a couple—but if you’re friends with them, you’d think they’re just friends who are scared to label whatever their relationship is.
Then, he stops getting closer because their faces are close enough to hear each other’s breathing. “Shua, have you...” Jeonghan looked at Joshua’s lips and back into his eyes. “Have you... seen our friends?”
Gulp.
Joshua, who could only stare at Jeonghan, didn’t move his head in response because one wrong move could make their lips collide.
“N-no...” he said under his breath.
One more second of staring into each other’s eyes before Jeonghan finally stood up.
Joshua, who is still stunned, continues organizing his plan—though he can’t focus anymore.
Later on, someone suddenly dropped food and a strawberry milk drink on the table, making him stop whatever he was doing and look at the person standing beside him—Jeonghan.
“What’s that?”
“Ano ba ’yung usual mong meryenda tuwing busy ka sa SSC?”
Joshua opened the styro meal boxes and placed them on the table. Chicken pastil, chicken poppers, and half a cup of rice—Joshua’s usual—while beside it was Jeonghan’s favorite food: three pieces of tonkatsu and a cup of fried rice.
“Hati tayo sa tonkatsu,” Jeonghan said like it was nothing—as if he doesn’t refuse to share his favorite food with their other friends.
“Why? That’s your favorite food.”
“So?”
“You don’t like sharing your favorite food with others—not even with your friends.”
“Then I guess you’re not a friend to me?”
“What?”
“Wala. You are special, Shua. We’ve been friends since we were sperms. Hindi kita pagdadamutan kahit mga paborito kong bagay o pagkain.”
“Okay...? Before I forget, thank you pala for buying me food and drinks. I’ll pay you later.”
“H’wag na. Treat ko na ’yan sa’yo.”
Joshua senses something he couldn’t explain—or perhaps something he was too afraid to acknowledge and admit.
A brief silence falls between them, but it isn’t the kind of silence that feels empty and uncomfortable. Rather, it is the kind of silence you know you’d miss once it’s gone.
“Hoy, Joshua! Bakit ba nakatulala ka? May problema ba o inaantok ka na?” Seungkwan asked.
“Wala, na-distract lang ako.”
“Sure ka? Okay lang naman sa akin kung magpapahinga ka muna sa inyo. Jino-joke time lang naman kita sa chat, eh!”
“Tapos kapag hindi na naman ako nanood ng basketball game ng jowa mo, pag-iisipan mo na naman ako nang masama!”
“Hoy, hindi naman masama iniisip ko sa’yo! Get your facts straight!”
“What? Masama ’yon! Why would you even think that I would fall in love with our friend? You know friends are friends!”
“I never said that!”
“Yes, you did!”
“Tinanong ko lang kung he’s your type!”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Whatever, Kwan.”
“Okay, fine, but there’s nothing wrong if you fall in love with our friend.”
“Palibhasa kasi favorite love trope mo ’yan.”
“Whatever, kakainin mo rin soon ang sinasabi mo ngayon.”
Joshua rolled his eyes and began watching his friend’s boyfriend’s basketball game. He’s not even sure anymore if he’s focusing on the game or on how to make Seungkwan shut his speaker-mouth.
“Congrats, Vernon! Sorry, I can’t celebrate with you guys. You know my parents. Babawi ako next time.”
“Bawas dalawa agad,” Vernon said meaningfully while looking at Jeonghan.
“Talaga, ihahatid ko si Shua.”
Nakangising umakbay si Jeonghan kay Joshua habang ang isa naman ay busy mag-type sa kaniyang cellphone.
“Wait, my mom texted me. My parents won’t be able to come home for a week because they’ll be flying to Italy.”
“Talaga? So makakasama ka sa amin ngayon?” Seungkwan said with an obvious smile on his face.
“Uh, yes? My driver wouldn’t be able to fetch me because there’s an emergency at their house.”
“Yown, sama ka na sa’min! Nakapag-book na kami ng room.” Seungkwan immediately said, sounding way too excited about the idea.
“Susunod na lang daw si Mingyu at Seungcheol. Ewan ko sa dalawang ‘yon, parang secret agent na may binabantayan sa kabilang building.”
The four of them eventually left the gym together, with Seungkwan and Vernon walking ahead while Joshua and Jeonghan stayed behind.
Nagtatawanan sila habang naglalakad sa kalye; samantalang ang dalawa sa likod ay tahimik—hindi ito ang katahimikan na hindi mo gugustuhin maranasan—ito ang katahimikan na ayaw mong hindi maranasan.
“Tangina mo, Vernon, napaka pabebe mo! Natamaan lang ng stick ‘yang braso mo, akala mo naman nasugatan ka kung mag-inarte!”
“Wala kang pake ha! Nasa tabi mo naman si Joshua, edi magpabebe ka rin sa kaniya!”
Jeonghan stopped from walking and lightly held Joshua’s wrist.
Joshua gulped. Matagal na nilang gawain ang paghahawak ng palapulsuhan pero iba na ang tama niya ngayon dahil sa sinabi ni Seungkwan.
Bago pa man makapag-isip nang maayos si Joshua, dahan-dahan nang bumaba ang hawak ni Jeonghan mula sa pulsuhan hanggang sa kamay niya, parang binibigyan siya ng pagkakataong umiwas kung gugustuhin nito.
But Joshua didn’t pull away.
So Jeonghan slowly slipped his fingers between Joshua’s fingers, carefully intertwining their hands while continuing to walk like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Hindi niya alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya. Hindi siya uncomfortable pero kinakabahan siya. Bumilis bigla ang tibok ng puso niya.
Tiningnan niya ang mga kamay nilang magkahawak, at may kung anong ngiti ang sumilay sa kaniyang mukha na hindi niya maitago.
“Halimaw ka pala malasing, Joshua.”
“Shut up, Kwan.”
“Pa’no mo nagawang hindi painumin nang marami si Jeonghan? Astig ka rin, eh.”
“Ano ka ba, Kwan, automatic na ‘yan kay Jeonghan kapag kasama si eka niya.” si Mingyu na nakisama na rin sa pang-aasar.
“Inggit ka lang, eh. Isipin mo ‘yon, palagi ka na ngang maoy, wala pang maghahatid sa iyo pauwi.”
“Tangina mo, Jeonghan Yoon. Baka akala mo nalimutan ko na yung sinabi mong iwanan niyo ako mag-isang lasing sa club.”
“Hindi ko kasalanan na gagawin talaga nila ‘yon!”
The room was filled with laughter. Mingyu kept complaining about how annoyed he was at Jeonghan that time he got so drunk and someone woke him up—it wasn’t one of their friends, but a worker telling him to sleep somewhere else.
But Jeonghan, who was completely whipped, didn’t care about what Mingyu was saying—he was staring directly at Joshua. He watched him hug his pillow and laugh silently, which made Jeonghan smile.
Since the day Jeonghan brought his face closer to Joshua’s, they’ve become so clingy with each other—as if they were afraid to lose one another.
And honestly, Joshua is still figuring things out. Sure, he’s enjoying the feeling, but it still scares the fuck out of him. They’ve been friends since they were in their mother’s womb, so risking a friendship for something romantic is terrifying. What if it didn’t work out? What if he was just infatuated? What if he’s the only one who sees this as some more-than-friends-less-than-lovers type of thing, while in reality, Jeonghan only sees it as what casual childhood best friends do?
Joshua is confused. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he is falling in love with his friend. Call him a coward, but he doesn’t really... care, because he is one.
Of course, he thinks that maybe he’s really falling, but he just shrugs it off. Not when he thinks he’s still not perfect, not enough, and not lovable.
Not when he thinks he’s someone people shouldn’t love because he doesn’t even do anything for them to love him.
Because for him, receiving love always comes with conditions. But to receive his love, you can do nothing and just be who you are.
Seungkwan
Hoy
Ano na ba kayo ni Jeonghan?
??
what do you mean?
Wag mo sabihing friends pa rin kayo ha!
Cnasabi q tlgah sau!!!
🤬🫵🫵
Anlandi landi nyo sa harap namin!!!!
we’re just friends
TABGINAAAA
BWISET
FRIENDS LANG YON????
GAGO
why?
These past few weeks, pansin ko lang ha, parang madalas kayo maging malandi SA HARAP NAMIN
wdym malandi?
we’re just friends, Kwan.
stop overthinking things 🤦
HUHHH???
Bes, manhid ka ba or...
Sadyang ta is nga ka lang 😭
JWBEHHAHABBEHSAHAV
Gago, ilang weeks na kayong madalas magkahawak ng kamay
DAIG NYO PA KAMI NG BABY KO!!
Sobrang PDA nyo, mahuli sana kayo ng strict na prof
TAPOS LAGI KAYO MAY DATE NA DI NYO KAMI INAAYA
I mean meron din naman noon PERO MAS MADALAS NGAYON LECHE
Sabihin nyo lang kung di nyo na kami kaibigan ha, tatanggapin naman namin eh ha...ha...ha
what the freak
you’re so OA
•́ ‿ ,•̀
Luh
De, pero do you like him ba?
More than friends ha
why so sudden?
random mo.
Yes or no lang!!
Gravy k nman...
👍
GOTCHAAAAA
Takot ka ‘no?
wala akong sinasabi?
Sus, kunwari pa
Matagal ko nang napapansin sa inyo ‘yan
Grade 11 pa lang
hindi nga tayo magkaklase noon?
SCHOOLMATE NAMAN TAYO
Pansin ko lang, ayaw mong may ibang kasama si Han hahahhahahah
I mean, parang ang sungit mo tuwing may ibang kasama si eka
eka?
???
STOP HOLDING BOOKS!!!
??
Lalaki = Ekalal = eka
Babae = Eabab = ea
😲
okay
but to be clear, i don’t like him
he's just a friend to me since then
Yeah sure whatever helps you sleep at night
Pero oyz walang mali kung magkagusto ka sa kaibigan mo ha
I mean, may mali jaahahah pero basta alam mo na yon
Di kita pinipilit okay
Figure things on your own
ok
👍
thanks
Joshua tries to avoid Jeonghan—scared that his friends would think that he likes him.
Or is he really scared?
“Uy, Joshua, seryoso na talaga, gusto mo ba si Jeonghan?”
“Paulit-ulit ka, Kwan. I like him as a friend and nothing more.”
“Ikaw rin kasi, Joshua, magulo ka. Ano nga ’yung topic sa physics noong nakaraan? ’Yung may trophy?”
“Entropy?”
“Oo, parang ikaw ’yan. Iniiwasan mo ngayon si Jeonghan. Ang gulo mo, Joshua.”
“I’m just busy.”
“Huh? May shared calendar and schedule tayo. Clear naman ’yung schedule mo.”
“Nagre-review ako, Kwan.”
“You can’t fool me. Kahit naman nagre-review ka noon, kasama mo palagi si Jeonghan sa tabi mo. Ngayon, sobrang iwas ka sa kaniya. What’s the reason?”
“Wala. Walang rason.”
“Do you realize you have feelings for him? Are you scared that it will grow into something more? Kasi, Joshua, nakikita ko ’yung mga pasikretong tingin mo sa kaniya, lalo na noong naglalaro siya ng basketball.”
Joshua stayed silent. Wala siyang masabi dahil nalilito rin siya sa mga ginawa niya noong araw na ’yon.
Pinapanood niya lang naman si Jeonghan mula sa malayo. Walang kaalam-alam ang kaibigan niyang manonood siya ng practice nito. Biglaan lang din naman dahil hinila lang siya ni Seungkwan.
Kasalanan niya bang siya ang umiiwas?
Kung sa bawat lapit sa kaniya ng kaibigan, ay siyang bilis ng tibok ng kaniyang puso. Alam niya—hindi niya lang maamin, hindi niya matanggap.
At sa oras na ’yon, nagpapasalamat siya sa sarili niya dahil hindi niya tinanggap ang nararamdaman. Hindi niya inamin sa sarili na nahuhulog na siya sa kaniyang kaibigan.
Dahil nang makita nila si Jeonghan, tumatakbo ito papunta sa bleachers. Break time nila kaya bumaba sila Joshua para puntahan ang kaibigan nila, kaso napahinto sila dahil sa nakita nila.
May babaeng nagpunas ng pawis ni Jeonghan bago ito yakapin.
“May girlfriend siya?”
“Don’t ask me. I don’t know the answer.”
May naramdaman siyang kirot na hindi niya maipaliwanag.
Ang babaeng nakita niya ay siya ring babaeng nakita niya noon sa bahay ng kaibigan niya. Siya rin ’yung nakita niya sa restaurant noong kumain doon ang pamilya nila.
“Joshua, why are you not eating?” his dad asked.
“We rarely eat dinner together outside, yet you have no appetite to eat with us? You should have told us so we wouldn’t waste our time on this bullshit.”
He ignored his mom. Not now. Not when he was looking at Jeonghan.
He was confused.
Dalawang pamilya ang naroon, masayang nagsasalo-salo. Tiningnan niya si Jeonghan, may sinasabi ito sa babaeng katabi niya.
Kaano-ano niya ito?
May kapatid ba siyang babae na may sarili nang pamilya?
“Huy, Joshua, ano? Nagseselos ka?”
“Huh? Are you out of your mind? Why would I feel jealous? Kwan, how many times do I have to tell you that he is just a friend?”
“Ganiyan din ako noon kay Vernon. Tingnan mo ngayon, naging bebe time na ’yung tropa time namin.”
In Joshua’s mind, it was impossible for him to feel jealous.
Maybe he was just disappointed because they had been friends for so long, yet Jeonghan never mentioned having a girlfriend. He promised Joshua that he would be the first one to know if he ever got one.
But he didn’t.
He broke his promise.
“Shuji, kumus—”
“Wait, my mom is calling.”
“Shua, are you avo—”
“I’ll just go to the library.”
“Shu—”
“I’m busy.”
Palaging naghahanap ng rason si Joshua para layuan si Jeonghan. Hindi naman kasi selos ang rason kung bakit siya lumalayo.
“I like you, idiot,” Joshua said into the empty room.
He was drinking alone in his room, head tilted upward—probably trying not to cry.
Jeonghan is the only friend who knows him too well. If he ever confessed, would the relationship even work? What if they broke up? What would happen to their friendship then?
The moment he got confused about his feelings for Jeonghan was the moment he already admitted to himself that he liked him.
Why would he let his friend intertwine their fingers while walking if he didn’t like him?
Why would he let his friend get too close to him if he had no feelings for him?
The truth is, he has liked him for a long time now. He has liked him since middle school, but he didn’t want to admit that he likes men. Although he slowly accepted his feelings little by little, he only called it paghanga.
Hindi naman siya duwag tanggapin ang katotohanan—natatakot lang siya sa mga what ifs niya.
Paano kung maghiwalay sila? Masasalba pa ba nila ang friendship nila?
Paano kung mapagod si Jeonghan sa kaniya dahil hindi siya madaling intindihin?
Paano kung isang araw, ma-realize ni Jeonghan na mahirap pala talaga siyang mahalin?
Seungkwan
May balak ka na bang pansinin si Jeonghan?
Gago ka
Nag-aaya inuman
okay
go
Huh?
sama ka
Ano ba kasing problema mo, Joshua?
Magdadalawang buwan mo na siyang nilalayuan.
i’m not avoiding him.
You are.
Hindi ka naman tanga, Joshua.
Aminin mo na kasi sa sarili mong gusto mo siya para matanggap mong nagseselos ka.
can you
stop?
i don’t like him
You are scared to ruin the friendship, don’t you?
no
hindi ko siya gusto, Kwan.
You already ruined it the moment you developed feelings for him.
Pilit mo lang iniisip na hindi mo siya gusto kasi duwag ka. Hindi mo kayang tanggapin na gusto mo siya.
Gago, Joshua, kaibigan ko kayo parehas
Ayaw kong may kampihan sa inyo
Pero at this point, kay Jeonghan ako kakampi
Nakakasakit ka na kasi. Nasasaktan mo na si Jeonghan.
wow
do you think i’m not hurting?
Kwan, i’m not avoiding him because I feel jealous.
fine
partly.
but i’m avoiding him because of the what ifs
fine, I like him
but if i ever confessed, would our relationship even work until the end?
Hindi naman tadhana ang may hawak ng relasyon niyo
Kung mahal niyo ang isa’t-isa, bakit hindi niyo ipaglaban?
hindi naman pwedeng palagi namin mahal ang isa’t-isa
paano kung gumising na lang ako na hindi ko na siya mahal? o masiyado akong komplikado para mahalin niya?
Joshua naman
Palagi naman may paraan, ‘di ba?
Hindi naman ata pwedeng gumising na lang bigla na hindi mo na siya mahal.
Matutulog kang mahal na mahal mo ang tao, tapos paggising mo wala nang natitirang pagmamahal?
Hindi naman ganyan kadali mawala ang pagmamahal.
Kung mawala man, edi mas okay nang sinubukas niyo parehas, kaysa naman habambuhay kang nalulunod d’yan sa what ifs mo kasi hindi ka nag-confess
://
paano ang friendship?
Naisip mo ba na kung takot kang mawala ang friendship, natatakot din si Jeonghan?
Kung nasasaktan ka sa nangyayari, nasasaktan din siya.
Parehas kayo ng nararamdaman, Joshua.
Kausapin mo na kasi
Wala namang mawawala
“Jeonghan, gago, maoy ka na r‘yan.” si Mingyu na hinihila ang lasing na katawan ni Jeonghan.
“A-akala ko may pag-asa ako... tangina, may mali ba akong nagawa?”
Jeonghan was drunk, crying, and helpless. Halos araw-arawin na yata niya ang pag-inom ng alak, at napapadalas na rin ang pagliban niya sa klase.
Tahimik na rin siya ngayon at wala nang focus sa paglalaro ng basketball.
Dati, siya ang pinakamaingay sa kanilang magkakaibigan. Pupunta siya sa school nang puno ang social battery, at uuwing puno pa rin. Hindi naman ‘yan nawawalan ng sasabihin.
Ngayon, papasok siyang maga ang mata, at uuwing may dalang alcoholic drinks. Alak na nga yata ang dumadaloy sa sistema niya.
“Please, Seungkwan, sabihin mo sa akin kung nasaan siya.”
“Hindi ko talaga alam, Jeonghan, sorry.”
“Move on ka na kasi.” si Vernon na nakiinom na rin.
“Hindi, Vernon, ayaw ko. Hindi naman aalis si Joshua nang walang rason.”
Naghintay si Jeonghan na bumalik si Joshua. Umasa siyang babati ang kaibigan sa birthday niya, pero lumipas na ang araw, wala pa rin Joshua ang bumati sa kaniya.
Tatlong taon.
Tatlong taon siya naghintay. Noong una, panay siya inom ng alak at paninigarilyo. Wala rin siyang gana sa kahit anong bagay. But realization hit him—kung patuloy lang siyang iiyak at aasa, wala namang magbabago.
Tao rin siya, may pangarap din.
Simula nang makita niya ang grades niya, alam niyang kailangan niyang magbago. Ang laki kasi ng ibinaba ng kaniyang GWA. Mula 1.35, naging 1.90 ito. Hindi man lang siya nakapasok sa dean’s list.
At ang huling dalawang taon naman ay tinuon niya sa sarili—nag-aral ito nang mabuti at nag-focus na rin sa basketball. Tinigil niya ang bisyo niya.
Pero minsan, hindi niya mapigilan mag isoy at uminom ng alak, lalo na kung may problema.
Si Joshua naman ay nagpakalayo-layo. Walang nakakaalam kung nasaan siya o kung ano na ang nangyayari sa buhay niya. Gustuhin man niyang mag-reach out sa mga kaibigan niya, hindi niya naman magawa dahil natatakot siyang maging burden. May sari-sarili silang problema, at ayaw niya nang dumagdag pa.
Lumayas kasi ito sa kanila. Paano ba naman kasi, minsan na nga lang sila magkita-kita ng mga magulang niya, panay pa pressure ang ibinibigay sa kaniya, at puro away pa ang naririnig niya sa bahay.
Nagpunta siya sa Batangas. Ito ang lugar na gusto niyang puntahan simula noon. Siniguro rin niyang malapit siya sa dagat, kung saan maaari siyang mag-unwind tuwing gusto o kailangan niya.
“You should go to the club sometimes, you know?” sabi ni Minghao, workmate niya.
“I went there once, but it was not my cup of tea.”
“Try mo kaya makipag-date?”
Joshua froze for a moment—not because he didn’t want to date, but because the first and last time he liked someone was five years ago, which was a guy—his childhood friend, his bestfriend.
It had been five years since he last spent time with his friends. He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss them.
Of course he did.
Always.
If it weren’t for his parents, he would have never left home.
He don’t know how to face them. There wasn’t a single day when he didn’t want to text them and tell them how much he missed their presence. How could he even message them and ask for a reunion when years ago, he left without a trace?
Maybe he was selfish.
He left for his own peace without saying goodbye, and now, he wanted to come back as if nothing happened?
Or maybe, he was selfless.
Even while trying to find peace, he still thought about his friends and family—though he only thought about his family at most twice every three months.
But his friends, they were his real definition of a family—the one that’s loving, supportive, and caring. If loving them more than loving you own family is a sin, then call him the biggest sinner
Throw him in jail, and he wouldn’t run away.
“Alam ko na! Birthday ko next week, magse-celebrate na lang ako sa beach. Magbu-book na ako ng private beach resort at mag-i-invite ng iba kong friends. Irereto kita.”
Hindi tumanggi si Joshua. Hinayaan niya lang si Minghao. Baka naman ito na talaga ang tamang oras para magmahal ulit.
Sa sabado pa ang birthday ni Minghao kaya inobserbahan siya ni Joshua para malaman kung ano ang ireregalo niya rito. Hindi naman kasi siya observant, masiyado siyang busy sa trabaho para mapansin pa ang mga maliliit na bagay—at isa pa, magkaiba rin sila ng building. Naging magkaibigan lang sila dahil sabay silang nag-apply sa iisang company.
Hindi naman mahilig si Joshua magtambak ng mga gawain kaya wala siyang reports na kailangan madaliin, nagche-check lang siya ng e-mails dahil iyon lang ang kailangan niyang gawin sa ngayon.
“Tea?” pag-aalok ni Minghao.
“No, thanks.”
“Alam mo, sa dalawang taon natin na magkaibigan, never tayo nagkaroon ng contact sa isa’t-isa. I don’t know where to message you.”
“Ah... that... You know, I actually don’t know if I want to give you my phone number; para sa trabaho lang naman kasi iyon.”
“Paano ka maco-contact ng relatives mo? ng friends?”
“They have my personal phone number na matagal ko nang hindi ginagamit. Sayang nga ‘yon, pinapa-load-an ko lang, pero hindi ko rin ginagamit. Nag-change din kasi ako ng phone kasi maraming memories sa luma.”
“Why are you running away from the memories?”
“I’m not. Ayaw ko lang talaga makita. I left my friends without saying goodbye, at kapag nakita ko ang mga pictures namin, baka bigla na lang ako bumalik sa kanila at umiyak.”
Never in Joshua’s whole life did he imagine that he would open up to someone. Hindi naman siya iyong tipo ng kaibigan na nagsasabi ng mga problema niya dahil ayaw niyang maging burden. Natatakot siyang baka makadagdag pa siya sa mga problemang dinadala ng mga kaibigan niya.
“Mhm, point taken. Valid naman ang nararamdaman mo. Alam kong may rason ka kung bakit ka umalis nang walang paalam. Pero siyempre, masakit din iyon para sa mga kaibigan mo. One day, kapag handa ka na, subukan mong magpaliwanag. Naniniwala akong maiintindihan ka nila, Joshua.” tumango lang si Joshua at saka ngumiti.
Handa naman na siyang magpaliwanag at humingi ng tawad, wala lang talaga siyang mukha na maihaharap sa mga kaibigan dahil nahihiya siya sa ginawa niya.