Work Text:
WHAT MAKES A NEW PERSON
In the party car, the atmosphere lays heavy, despite the grotesque picture of Shush trying to make the cat cakes behave. Caelus steps down the last of the stairs, and stashes his phone away. Something is wrong in here. A gloomy aura spreads from the opposite end of the wagon, melancholia and overthinking. Somehow, none of the machines nor creatures present seem to notice, Caelus is the only one. There are many things he's the only one to sense, and it's not like Shush is the most perceptive robot anyway. The Ether Reading, they've called it. To Caelus it doesn't feel like reading at all, it simply is. Like seeing or hearing, there's a feeling in the air and tonight it's dread, moist and somber.
Ignoring the commotion near the counter, Caelus walks around the bar until he finds the source of such disturbance. Because he's a responsible passenger. Because he's a courageous nameless. Because, the only people aboard right now are his family (!) and he might be worried.
Dan Heng sits alone at a tabble near the back, pretending to read, but his eyes are unfocused, and his eyebrows furrowed at whatever he's staring at beyond the booklet he's chosen. It seems like he hasn't noticed Caelus yet, so Caelus takes the only logical next step : takes the seat next to him and sprawls lazily on the table to attract his attention. Obviously, because this is Dan Heng we're talking about and he's never been one to ignore his comrade, it works, and green-grey eyes immediately shift from a vague shadow to the friendliness of his face. Dan Heng's expression immediately softens, making Caelus' heart jump.
- Hi, he says dumbly.
His friend must not think this is dumb, if the smile he answers with is anything to go by. It's warm and fond, like everything you find in Dan Heng once you've gone past the first, hard and cold layer he uses to protect himself. Inside it's all warm and sweet, all affection and protectiveness and devotion and something strong that shines just for him.
- Hi, Dan Heng answers.
Sadly, Caelus can't feel as giddy as he would normally as long as the atmosphere hasn't lightened. It's too heavy here, it's too somber still.
- Watcha' worried about ?
With a small sigh, Dan Heng closes his book without taking the time to mark the page. Because he was only pretending to read of course. His smile remains little and his eyes stay trained on Caelus as he searches for the answer.
- Nothing much, he says, don't think about it.
Caelus sits back properly as he frowns, dubitative.
- It's not nothing since I could smell it from the other side of the car.
The fond sigh is like Dan Heng's default noise. Cats meow, robots beep and whirr, dogs barks, and Dan Heng sighs fondly.
- I'm sorry, he says, I didn't want to worry you, it's just...
Dan Heng hesitates and after a few too many seconds of silence, Caelus feels like he should say something to encourage him to continue.
- You have nothing to apologise for you know.
A small smile breaks through Dan Heng's face to finally reach his weary eyes. Gold meets stormy grey, and his shoulders relax minutely.
- Thank you for being here, he says.
- I live there, answers Caelus.
Dan Heng groans, but Caelus saw him nearly laugh.
- Of course you do...
- With the most amazing people in the universe, Caelus continues.
- In the whole universe ? How would you know that ? Dan Heng teases.
- Oh you know... I may be only three years old, but I've seen a lot of different worlds already, completed every map, and did every sidequest. I'm basically a Universe Expert at this point.
- Yet, you still haven't conquered half the readables of the Express' archives.
Caelus shrugs with drama, then raises his index smugly.
- And that's where my extraordinary family comes in the picture ! We all have our own specialty aboard the Express. Pompom is the conductor, Miss Himeko does her navigator stuff, March makes scrapbook albums, Mr. Yang is like, the wise old man. And there's this guy too, I don't know if you've heard of him, he's named Dan Heng ?
- Hmm... That does ring a bell, yes.
- This guy spends all his time in the archives he even sleeps there, he's awesome ! He's read and classified everything there is to read and classify here.
- I don't know about everything...
- Sometimes I'd bring him random scraps I'd found while exploring, and man, he's so attentive he looks at them like they're real treasures !
That comment successfully makes his companion blush as he looks away. Caelus cheers internally.
- Everything is important when you're recording cultures from different galaxies, he mumbles bashfully, as if trying to defend himself.
- And that's what so great about him right ? He's really dedicated to have this huge... Hub of information than me and the others can always turn to whenever we're wondering someting, no matter how silly or trivial. Because it all matters to him.
Dan Heng's hands are cold, and Caelus makes it his personal, private mission to warm them up with his own.
- It's kinda the same for me you know. Everything that concerns the people on this train matters to me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Hesitantly, Dan Heng squeezes back on Caelus' hands. He takes a long inspiration.
- It's about Blade. You know, how we... Made up. I don't know if you could say that, it's always been... Weird, between us.
- Huh. That's one way to put it.
- Back when we were on Amphoreus, and I was fighting the black tide... I had the opportunity to confront the... Image, of Dan Feng. I don't know if it was... A figment of my imagination, or, the actual echo of my previous life that I heard, but... I thought I'd settled it then.
- Settled what ?
Dan Heng bit his lip. Looking at him, Caelus felt the impulsive urge to caress it, in a please don't hurt yourself gesture, but his hands were still occupied around his friend's.
- The same question as always, and the doubt that came with it. Am I Dan Feng after all ?
- Huh... Isn't that old news that you aren't ?
- This is what I'd want to believe, and what typically happens when Vidyadhara are reborn, but... Here's the thing, right ? Usually, when a vidyadhara is going through their rehatching cycle, it wipes away... Everything, so that they can be born as an entirely new person. For me, however... You know. The ritual was incomplete, and I always had flashes of memory of a... past life. And, as time went on, I found myself... More and more, relating to the few memories I had, understanding them. I found I, too, would have gone from beloved hero to infamous traitor, if that was the only way to save those I love. I found his sin, as terrible as it was, was a risk worth taking ; that I would still take it today, and likely still in a thousand years. I found we've never been so different after all.
Dan Heng frowns to himself, his eyes lost in the memory.
- Would being like him be such a bad thing, then ?
- It's hard to say. All my life I've been trying to prove I was my own person. But then... Then Blade comes in.
- He and Dan Feng... Knew each other, right ?
This time, the small laugh going through Dan Heng's throat is absolutely mirthless.
- More than that. It's... Strange. I remember the man he used to be, when I look at him, even though, I never met Yingxing as Dan Heng. I see who he used to be and how deep down, he's still that man. The man I... I mean, Dan Feng used to love.
- Oh.
- And he sees him in me too. It wasn't so hard when all he chased me around for was to kill me but... Now... The... Thing, keeping him calm, is so much more primal, and ancient, it couldn't possibly come from... Just Dan Heng.
Caelus nods sagely. Oh, oh he's being so nice, he almost has nothing stupid to say.
- So you're worried because he sees you as Dan Feng. And now that it's not so bad being Dan Feng anymore, you're affraid all you've gone through trying to prove you were your own person was for nothing... Right ?
- That... Is a succinct summary. Who taught you to psychanalyse your friends like that ?
- Oh, you know.... Caelus swipes it off with his free hand, I've been playing with the minds of people all the way since our journey to penacony, the organic brain isn't that complex.
- Really now...
Silence falls back between them and Caelus can tell his friend feels better already. The rest of the party car has fallen strangely silent as well, so either the cats and Shush have left to grant them privacy, or they are trying to listen in discreetly. Somehow, he feels the first option is highly unlikely. It's no big deal to him, but maybe Dan Heng does mind ?
- Say Dan Heng, do you wanna go to my room ?
- To your... Room ?
- Yeah, we'll be more comfortable up there, don't you think ?
Based on Dan Heng's flushed face, he too, must have just realised they were being spied on. Oh, Caelus is such a considerate friend ! After all, Dan Heng's always been a shy, private person. Obviously, he would prefer to have intimate conversations like this one in a safe and comfy space, away from prying ears.
Do cat cakes even have ears ? They must, surely...
Timidly, Dan Heng nods, and lets himself be dragged by Caelus' hand, still holding his. As they cross the party car, their audience has the common sense to either hide, or pretend they didn't hear anything, so Caelus sends them a stink eye but nothing more. He goes the first few steps, closely followed by his friend, when he hears Shush calling out to them :
- Don't forget to use protections !
Dan Heng's hand tenses in his, he tries to take it back, but Caelus holds on.
- Stupid robot, my room's not made for fighting practice ! We're just going to talk.
- Let's just ignore him and go, says Dan Heng, who keeps climbing the stairs and is now the one dragging him.
Caelus' bedroom lights are in night mode when they arrive, the main source of light right now are the Planarcadia train station's headlights shining through the tainted window, which he decides, are more than enough for now. They settle on the corner couch of the living room area, and Caelus sighs contentedly. This place is so cozy. Having the rest of the crew help him pick the furniture was one of his best decisions ever ! If he went with his heart alone, this place would still be a mess today.
- Finally alone ! He says, then turns to Dan Heng : You can relax, you know. No one's gonna overhear us here.
Little by little, his companion does as told, and Caelus lets him patiently.
- When... You think back about Dan Feng's memories, do you... Do you relate to them ?
Dan Heng lets his head fall wearily onto his shoulder, and Caelus tries to lean back awkwardly.
- Kind of. I don't know. It's... I know, and understand how he felt and what he thought of then, and I feel like maybe... I could have the same feelings, the same thoughts. But, not about the same situation, or the same people. I don't feel the same friendship for General Jing Yuan I once did, nor do I feel anything else for the rest of the High Cloud Quintet, even though it... It feels like I should.
- So... You remember the feeling but don't... Feel it, anymore ? Caelus tries to understand.
- I guess yes, shrugs Dan Heng lost in thought.
- Do you think Dan Feng... Would have wanted to keep on living, through you ?
- It's hard to say. He didn't know what would happen once he'd be reborn, nor who he'd be allowed to... Be. Deep down, he had hopes it could all... Go back to the way things were, you know ?
- But I'm guessing... He knew that was futile.
Dan Heng nods silently.
- Do you want to be him ?
- No.
- And would he like to be in your situation right now ?
- I think... I think yes, he would. But he would also miss the old time. He would probably be eaten alive by regret, guilt or shame. I don't know.
- Do you... Do you miss Dan Feng's old life ?
- No. I wouldn't be anywhere else.
Caelus smiles at that. Dan Heng can be so sentimental once you really get to know him...
- Then that's settled !
- What is ?
Caelus sits more upright, dislodging Dan Heng from their previous position. He sets a firm hand on his companion's shoulder, and takes a serious air. What he hopes, is a serious air. Judging by the confused way his friend is looking at him, he's not very successful.
- Mr. Dan Heng, here is my diagnosis.
- What.
- You're a different person ! Congratulations !
- What are you talking about ? Dan Heng groans, half annoyed, half confused.
With a shrug, Caelus goes back to his usual, laid-back demeanor.
- You know, he says, Light Bearers also go through a rebirth cycle.
- I've read it's quite different from the Vidyadhara one, though.
- Honnestly I wouldn't know, it's not like learning what I am made all my mermories come back. Apparently, Lightbearers are known to have very bad memory, which is where their Ether reading capabilities come in handy.
- I... Guess ?
- I don't remember much from my time before the express.
Caelus doesn't want to mention the Stellaron Hunters just yet. He promises himself one day, he will.
- But I know I was very... Unhappy. Flying was difficult for me, and I didn't have any real friends.
- Seeing you today, says Dan Heng softly, it's almost hard to believe.
- I know right ? Caelus chuckles. Who would've thought a charming and competent guy like myself used to be such a loser ?
He tries to keep his boisterous, confident demeanor, so the past hurt burries deeper. Fake it till you make it, isn't that how it goes ? Caelus' been faking it so long it's like second nature for him now.
- Hey, says Dan Heng worried, what are you talking about now ? You never were a loser.
A soft, cold hand lands on Caelus' shoulder as Dan Heng shifts back closer. Damn. Caelus really needs to stop scooting back or they'll end up falling off the couch soon enough. It can't be helped though, he doesn't even know what's making him retreat like that.
- You say that because you didn't know me then...
- Do I ?
- Of course, Caelus says, puffing out his chest. He feels the humm of his Stellaron, steady. It's got something reassuring, so he continues : Now I'm a awesome nameless who fights monsters and has tons of fans accross the cosmos !
- What about when you first woke up on Herta Space Station ? Asks Dan Heng in a warm voice.
Then again, Caelus doesn't mention Kafka, Silverwolf. They've drifted away and back from his memories lately, he doesn't remember well what they said to him, just knows he regrets not remembering. He doesn't mention waking up feeling left behind and disoriented.
- I woke up with the two coolest people I've ever met, of course I was gonna turn out amazing !
Maybe Dan Heng felt the waver in Caelus' assurance, or maybe he's the one who needs reassuring, because his friend leans back in, and Caelus instinctively closes his arms around him.
- Maybe, you aren't this Lightbearer anymore, either, murmurs Dan Heng in the crook of his nape.
Oh. Yeah, that's what they were talking about, wasn't it ?
- That's what I mean. It was still me back then, even if... I've forgotten, and changed.
- ... How so ?
- When I learned about what I was, and... When I started getting some memories of who I was back, I just felt it, you know ? It's like...
Oh. Caelus doesn't want to talk about this anymore. Dan Heng's embrace tightens. Something soars in Caelus throat as he chokes on his next sentence.
- Everything that was wrong with me suddenly made sense.
Dan Heng doesn't budge, he stays silent, but the ether around him radiates comfort, trust, safety, the contradictory feelings of please don't cry and you can always cry on my shoulder if you need.
- Why do I like the things I like, and why do I hear things no one can ? Why do I long for daylight, why does no one truly understand me ? Why am I scared, why do I feel so alien ?
On his shoulders, Caelus feels his friend's grip tighten again. It might bruise, Caelus doesn't care one bit.
- I was so excited and eager to be liked and to have my own friends and family because deep down, it's still new to me, even years after, when subconsciously I've spent... Ages, being rejected and left out.
Caelus breathes in, out, tries to calm down to make his next points.
- I'm obsessed with ghosts because not only is it in my nature, to guide lost spirits back to the Light, but... Also back then, when I couldn't connect with my siblings, spirits and little creatures were always the ones to care for me the most.
A hand has found it's way all the way up in his hair and is now caressing his head gently. Were he a feline, Caelus would definitely be purring his anxiety away. Instead, he lets himself melt into the touch.
- Is that also why you can never say no to cute pets ?
- No... This is obviously because they're cute, Dan Heng.
- Obviously.
Under the care of Dan Heng's gentle hand petting his hair, Caelus finds himself smiling drowsily.
- So that's why.
- Why what ?
- Why you're a new person and I'm not.
Dan Heng keeps petting him as he thinks of what to say. Under his ministrations, Caelus nearly falls asleep.
- Maybe it's not so black and white after all.
- Mhhh... ?
- I see you've given this a lot of thought, he says, but I, too, have been thinking about this, and for way longer. What makes a new person ? Is it the memories we have ? Is it the feeling we keep ? The scars we bear, or the face we show the world ?
- Dan Henggg... I just told you, it's not the feeling itself, but the continuity of it.
- But is it ?
Caelus grumbles in fake dissatisfaction, although, he would have enjoyed falling asleep right there. So maybe not all of it is fake.
- The old me would have the same answers than the new me to the questions I asked you earlier. I love being here. I would never go back. I want to stay here and keep trailblazing with you.
- I'm glad you do, but is it possible the old you would think that because they had nothing to go back to ?
- Why do you have to make things complicated ? Caelus whines, when it's really simple. I've died many times, and I don't remember anything most of the time except the way I felt about some things. It's still me, why would this time be different ?
There's a soft pressure on top of his head, different from the petting, that leaves a tiny, squishy sound and a warm print. It takes Caelus nearly a minute to realise that it's a kiss. A kiss from Dan Heng. Huh.
- You've said it yourself, says Dan Heng, you've changed. You don't fly anymore, you don't guide lost spirits, you Trailblaze. You made many friends, won many fights and battles, does all that sound like something the old you could have done as he was ?
- The loser ?
- The lost kid who hadn't found his path yet, who was Trailblazing before Akivili rose and didn't know who to turn to.
- I was ? Caelus frowns.
- Explore, understand, establish and connect, doesn't that sound like what you were trying to accomplish ?
- I... I guess.
- So, if there's a little bit of Dan Feng left in me, maybe because you grew and changed so much, you're a little bit of a new person, don't you think ?
They stayed like this for a little while, soft and warm in the dim lights of Caelus' bedroom.
- Hey wait a minute, how did we end up like this ? I was the one supposed to cheer you up, not the other way around !
Dan Heng laughs lightly.
- It's fine, he says, I really don't mind.
- Well, maybe I do !
- It's okay really, you did it. It was only fair that I'd reciprocate, right ?
Caelus grumbles unintelligibly but still goes back to cuddling. Okay, he gets a pass for this time.
- Hmpf, he says, as long as you stop worrying, I guess we're fine then.
- Yes, I guess we are.
And now that Dan Heng's hands are warm, Caelus considers his mission accomplished.