Archive of Our Own

It’s already past the appointed time when Thanos shuffles into his manager’s penthouse, his languidness evident through his lax posture and bored frown. Honestly, he couldn’t care less about this tedious party on a random Saturday night, and if it were up to him, he would definitely be somewhere else right now. But, of course, his manager insisted he’d come, because it’d be “good for the image” if he made an appearance.

And, well, it’s not like Thanos doesn’t normally like parties—hell, he spends most of his time smoking, drinking and fucking in various clubs whenever he isn’t working on one of his songs. It’s just the fact that his manager is the host of this one. He already knows the house will be packed with rich, entitled grandpas wearing suits at least two sizes too small for their bellies to fit while reeking of expensive cigars and overpriced cologne. People with enough influence to either boost his rap career to the top or stomp his name completely into the ground. There will be no hot señoritas to hook up with, no handsome guys to ogle while he drowns his consciousness in tequila. Just suits and ties and fake smiles and lame conversations about his next PR move that he hasn’t even thought about yet.

He sighs. He hasn’t even been here for five minutes and already wants to leave. There’s just no way this evening will turn into something remotely enjoyable, and not even alcohol or drugs could fix the massive apathy he’s feeling right now. Which has to mean something, considering that shit always lifts his mood.

But, if his manager advises to come and mingle with other professionals and reinforce his connections in the music industry, he’ll do it. It’s for his career… or whatever.

At least that’s what he tells himself to get through the evening. It’s just for a few hours anyway, then he can go back to fucking a random chick or blasting his head away with a joint or whatever the fuck else he’s feeling then.

Thanos squeezes past the people in the hallway of the penthouse, barely suppressing the annoyed grunt at their ignorance. He needs to make it to the kitchen, because there’s no way he’s going to talk to any of these flops without a drink in his system.

Luckily, the kitchen seems to be a lot less crowded. He can easily move around the space and look for something to drink without bumping into anyone. He half-expects to merely find all that fancy stuff that all the loaded, influential people drink—fizzling champagne, finely aged wine or whatever the fuck they have money for. But luck actually seems to be on his side once again, because inside the fridge, he actually spots a few beers and a bottle of soju. Jackpot.

He grabs one of the beers and uncaps it, then takes a big sip. Not long after, he can already feel his tense muscles loosening, relaxation starting to kick in. Not enough to feel fully at ease or comfortable enough to start a conversation with one of the big shots, but enough to let his mind become a little fuzzy as he slacks against the counter.

He can’t help the disdainful scoff slipping free. Pathetic, what his life has turned into. Always in need for drugs to function properly in situations like now. Pills, powder, alcohol… it doesn’t matter, as long as it gets the job done.

Although, it’s not like he always needs to be high. It’s just that he feels better when he is. Everything seems a little easier when he’s not constantly thinking about—

He quickly grabs the bottle of soju before his head can spiral again. It’s been years, damn it, he doesn’t know why his thoughts keep coming back to that one person. Back to—

“Ugh, shut the fuck up,” he grunts, giving his head a small dab to snap out of it before downing a shot straight from the bottle. “Shut up, just shut up you stupid motherfucker. Jesus.”

“Um, excuse me?”

Thanos whirls around, not having realized that someone else has walked into the kitchen as well.

“Who are you cussing out, huh? I didn’t even say anything, you weird jun—” The person stops mid-sentence as they suddenly stare at him, their eyes scanning him intensely from top to bottom. They take in his vibrant purple hair, his shocked face and the bright clothes, until they eventually settle on his tattooed hand, clasped tightly around the bottle of soju. “What the— Thanos? Is that you?”

Thanos blinks once, his own surprise rendering him speechless for a moment. Instead, he takes a profound look at the person opposite to him: Long, silky hair framing their sharp face, high cheekbones tinted with the lightest shade of pink, dark, cat-like eyes staring at him with a feisty glint, tiny freckles scattered across their face like a unique constellation of stars.

There’s just no way this is—

“Nam-gyu?!”

Nam-gyu swallows once, then nods slowly. “Uh, yeah. It’s me.”

“Holy shit, dude, I— I didn’t know—” Thanos gestures at Nam-gyu, then at the door, then back at Nam-gyu. “Sorry, I— fuck. I wasn’t talking to you earlier, I didn’t even hear anyone coming in. Thought I was alone.”

Nam-gyu chuckles a little at that. And holy fuck, it still sounds as beautiful as all those years ago. The memory makes Thanos’ heart clench painfully, but he refuses to acknowledge that.

“So, uh… You always talk to yourself when you’re alone?” Nam-gyu asks as he leans on the counter opposite to him, but Thanos doesn’t miss the slight tremble in his voice. After all these years, he’s probably nervous to talk to him, too.

He scratches the back of his neck, an embarrassed flush creeping onto his face. He would’ve joked in a different situation, made some dumb comment about Nam-gyu imagining things or him fighting demons or some shit. But now? After an eternity of no contact, he feels like joking might be a little inappropriate.

“Sorry, man, I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” he excuses instead, unable to admit that there was a reason why he was talking to himself and that the reason is actually standing in front of him now. Ironic.

Nam-gyu stares at him, neither curious nor judgmental, just… waiting. Like he’s expecting him to continue the conversation.

And so Thanos tries to direct the topic somewhere else, hopefully making Nam-gyu forget about the embarrassing incident. And since his head isn’t exactly thinking straight right now, he comes up with the dumbest, most straightforward comment ever:

“You look… different.”

Nam-gyu raises a brow, and, yeah—that’s fair. It must sound weird, hearing his ex comment on his looks, like Thanos doesn’t have a right to do so. And he doesn’t, not really. But it’s what came to his mind first, because it’s true.

Physically, Nam-gyu looks different. Better, even. Like he’s finally living. Not just existing, fighting day by day, hoping to make it to the next. There are no deep bags under his eyes, indicating his tiredness from overworking himself and trying to fix a broken relationship. No bruises on his neck from a few too harsh bites during one of their rough sex sessions back in the day. His skin looks healthy, almost glowing under the dim kitchen lights. He also wears his hair longer now, almost at shoulder-length, the ends slightly curled.

He looks really good. Like he’s finally… happy. Something he’s never been during their time together.

Thanos takes another big gulp from the bottle.

“I guess I do, yeah,” Nam-gyu eventually responds, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He bites his lip, evading Thanos’ gaze for a moment, his eyes dropping to the floor before focusing back on him. “A lot has changed in the past few years.”

Thanos hums a nod.

“You look like you haven’t changed at all.”

That gets Thanos to look up, his muscles tensing against the counter. Nam-gyu is as observant as ever, a trait that has annoyed him to no ends during their relationship. There’s nothing you can hide from him, no matter how tiny it is, because he will always look right through you. Right now, he can only respect Nam-gyu’s perceptive faculty. Something he hasn’t bothered to obtain for years, always too ignorant to care.

He shifts slightly on his feet, trying to mask his uneasiness with a playful chuckle. “Well, some things never change, huh? Guess I’m one of them.”

Nam-gyu scoffs. “That isn’t something to be proud of, Thanos. Especially not if it’s you.”

Thanos tries not to flinch at the way Nam-gyu says his name. The way he spits it out. Thanos. He’s never called him Thanos before, not once during their time together. Always insisted on calling him Su-bong, because that’s who he was for him. For Nam-gyu, he never had to be perfect. Never had to be the joyful rapper, proud and confident, the idol many fans adored and looked up to. He could just be himself, with all his flaws and imperfections.

And he threw it all away because of one impulsive, selfish decision he made.

He sighs, ignoring the pang of regret inside his chest. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s not.”

Nam-gyu unfolds his arms, his tight scowl softening into something akin to compassion. Thanos hates it. Even after all these years, after all the pain he put him through, Nam-gyu still looks at him with these soft, understanding eyes. He doesn’t deserve Nam-gyu’s kind heart.

“So uh,” he starts, redirecting the conversation once more, trying to escape Nam-gyu’s crushing expression. “Can I get you something? A beer, maybe?”

“Since when do you care about what I want?”

Even though he said it light-heartedly, with a hint of amusement lacing his tone, Thanos doesn’t miss the slightly bitter undertone in his voice.

His jaw tightens in response. That’s only fair, he assumes. Nam-gyu has every right to hold that against him. He really didn’t pay much attention to him during their relationship back then.

“But, no, thanks,” Nam-gyu adds before Thanos can say anything to that, not even apologizing for his previous statement. Fair enough. “I don’t drink. Not anymore.”

That gets Thanos to look up, their eyes meeting for a beat. A spark surges through him, quick and electric, before it vanishes. “You don’t?”

Nam-gyu shakes his head.

Huh. That’s weird. They always used to go out for a few drinks whenever Nam-gyu wasn’t on the clock, just the two of them or sometimes with their friends. It was one of their favorite activities during weekends.

“Drugs?” Thanos tacks on, because he’s gotta know. If Nam-gyu denies that too—

“No,” Nam-gyu says.

Holy fucking shit.

“Dude, that’s— Am I really talking to the Nam-gyu right now?” Thanos jokes, but it doesn’t quite land. It sounds strained, his voice a little too rough around the edge for it to sound natural.

Nam-gyu seems to notice that too, but he doesn’t comment on it.

“Quit some time ago,” he explains instead, like this isn’t a huge deal for him. “Was a lotta work, but I’m clean now. I don’t even think about that shit anymore.”

“Wow, that’s— that’s great, I s’ppose.”

Thanos stares at the bottle in his hand, trying to process what Nam-gyu just said. He’s glad for him, he really is. That’s great news. If he’s being honest, it’s probably for the better that Nam-gyu quit. No shade, but his boy was beyond addicted to that shit. He took even heavier stuff than him, and frequently at that. He’s sure that if Nam-gyu hadn’t quit, sooner or later he would’ve ended up dead in some random, grimy club bathroom.

Still, he can’t help the feeling of jealousy seeping into his bones, no matter how much he tries to will it away. It looks like Nam-gyu’s life has really changed for the better since they broke up, while he has been drowning his regrets and sorrows in even more liquor and drugs. Trying to get over the one person that has ever meant something to him, even if he himself had been the one pushing him away.

But that’s only fair, he guesses. Nam-gyu deserves to be happy. He’s been through too much in the past.

Thanos clears his throat.

“So, uh, how come?” he asks, the smile not quite reaching his eyes. “I mean, not trying to sound like a dick now, but you were one of the craziest junkies I knew. Something important must’ve happened for you to just… quit. Or was it just a change of heart?”

Nam-gyu chuckles, tucking his chin to his chest as he smiles to himself.

Fuck, that damn smile. He still has these cute dimples, and his eyes still crinkle so prettily whenever he chuckles like that. Oh, how much he missed seeing Nam-gyu’s smile. His heart contracts achingly at the sight, especially because it’ll never be directed at him anymore.

“No, not a change of heart,” Nam-gyu mutters, biting the inside of his cheek, his mouth still curved into that cheeky smile. “You’re right, uh— Something happened. Or, rather, someone.”

That makes Thanos blink in surprise. His hands dampen with sweat, a flicker of panic surging through him at the news.

“Someone?” he echoes, chewing on the word a moment too long, trying not to let his disappointment show too much. “As in… a new partner?”

Nam-gyu nods, and Thanos’ heart feels like it’s shattering into a million tiny pieces. Even worse, Nam-gyu holds out his left hand toward him, showing off the sparkling silver jewelry on his ring finger.

“Fiancé,” he corrects, still smiling. “I mean, we obviously weren’t engaged back then. But meeting him was like a stroke of fate to me, something I didn’t think I deserved at that time. I was a mess, barely able to keep my head high, but he never gave up on me. Fought for me, even when I was at my lowest after we… you know.”

Nam-gyu’s voice trembles a little at the end, his smile dulling as he recalls the tough months after they broke up.

Thanos swallows. He understands Nam-gyu all too well. Though, he must admit, the pain didn’t really arise until a few months later. At first, he tried living his single life to the fullest, with pretty women hanging off his arms and joining him in bed almost every other day. Visiting clubs, dancing with strangers, drowning out the voices in his head with cheap drugs, liquor and hookups.

He’d lie if he said he didn’t like the attention back then. Didn’t like the freedom of finally doing whatever he wanted without having to care about his partner’s needs. It was addicting, bathing in the interest and validation from others. Never fucking the same girl twice, never caring about his next steps, just living each day like he owned the world.

But after some time, he couldn’t help the feeling of regret sinking into his bones. The feeling of loneliness, of his apartment starting to feel way too cold and empty without his boyfriend around to share his warmth with.

He missed the way Nam-gyu cuddled against his chest while they fell asleep together after a rough day. He missed the way Nam-gyu always used to cook dinner for him when he came home from the studio, the way he made sure Thanos had something warm to eat even when he himself had to leave for his night shift soon. He missed the way Nam-gyu breathed his name during sex—soft, real and so devoted. The way he gazed up at him through dark, droopy eyes, his arms slinging around Thanos’ neck to keep him close as they recovered from their high together.

He missed the way they’d cradle each other with the gentlest of hands, the way they’d kiss each other after being apart for too long. He missed the way Nam-gyu’s cheek felt in his palm, tense from too many internal struggles, his honest eyes sharing the pain he was feeling. Looking at him like he was the only thing worth living for.

He missed the way they loved each other.

Because in the beginning, they really did. He would’ve crossed oceans for Nam-gyu, would’ve moved mountains for him, just to make him happy. And Nam-gyu would’ve done the same for him.

Hell, what is he saying, Nam-gyu did. He did cross oceans and move mountains for him. To the very end, he always made sure to give Thanos whatever he needed.

And Thanos took it for granted. Because eventually, he began feeling cramped by Nam-gyu’s love. By Nam-gyu’s care.

It feels weird saying that now, because now it’d be everything he could ever wish or. Having someone at home, someone who loves him deeply and loves spending their time with him. Someone who listens to him, who cares about his problems and wants to help him with his struggles. Someone who doesn’t just want to use him for clout and throws him away the second he’s not good enough anymore.

But, back then? It started to annoy him. He wanted to live his life to the fullest. He didn’t want to make plans days ahead or explain every single decision to his partner. He felt like this relationship was limiting his potential.

He became colder. Harsher. The complete opposite to a loving boyfriend.

He regretted lashing out at Nam-gyu for being too clingy, for always wanting to know where he was and who he was with. He regretted shoving Nam-gyu into the wall after one too many questions, for attacking his neck with rough bites and pressing his hand over Nam-gyu’s mouth to silence his cries. He regretted withdrawing himself and ignoring Nam-gyu’s pleas, regretted slamming doors in Nam-gyu’s face and spending more nights at the studio.

But, most importantly, he regretted attending that one fateful house party and drinking one too many vodka sodas that evening, which made him end up in a random bed with a random woman, kissing a random mouth while his boyfriend sat alone at home, anxiously waiting for him to come back.

Of course it didn’t end well. Not long after, Nam-gyu found out that he’d cheated on him and confronted him about it. Thanos had no clue how he found out, but it didn’t surprise him all that much, considering how good Nam-gyu was at putting two and two together.  

However, contrary to his expectations, Nam-gyu didn’t even make a big scene when Thanos admitted his mistake. Didn’t cuss him out, didn’t throw things at him, didn’t yell at him. Just packed his stuff in silence, removed the key for Thanos’ apartment from his keychain and placed it on the kitchen counter before leaving the apartment without another word. One day later, he unfollowed and blocked Thanos everywhere, erasing himself completely from Thanos’ life.

But the worst of it all was that look on Nam-gyu’s face. Thanos will never forget that sad, defeated expression when he admitted that he’d been sleeping with another person. That slow nod, like he’d already suspected something like that. Like he’d still had that last spark of hope until the very end, which was ultimately shattered by Thanos confession.

He felt horrible. He knew it was wrong what he’d done, but there was no way to undo his mistake. All he could do was own up to it and be honest with Nam-gyu. It’s what Nam-gyu deserved after staying with him for so many years, even when he treated him like shit during their latest months together.

So, to find out that Nam-gyu’s engaged now, is… a lot. Thanos doesn’t really know how to handle that information.

On one hand, he’s extremely happy for Nam-gyu. If anyone deserves to be in a happy relationship, it’s him. And from what Nam-gyu has told him, his fiancé seems to be a very kind man. Someone who can give Nam-gyu what he needs.

On the other hand, and that’s the one that unfortunately seems to dominate, he’s feeling awfully envious. Envious and self-loathing, because that’s what he could’ve had, too. He could’ve proposed to Nam-gyu too, could’ve been the one to live his life with Nam-gyu by his side instead.

But no, he had to fuck it all up. He’s had a perfect boyfriend—sweet, caring and devoted, someone who’d follow him through the darkest pits of hell just to be with him. And he’d thrown it all away for a single hour of shameless fun.

I mean, sure, they definitely had some problems during their relationship, and neither of them were as reflected back then as they are now. But honestly, that’s nothing they couldn’t have fixed together. They could’ve gotten clean together, could’ve changed their lives together. Thanos could’ve been a star, and he could’ve had Nam-gyu by his side every step of the way.

Instead, he stayed this pathetic, unsuccessful loser, still relying on drugs to get through the day while Nam-gyu finally lives his life the way he’s supposed to. With someone who treats him like a prince and doesn’t chastise him for being thoughtful and compassionate.

He’d say it isn’t fair, but looking back at it… yes, it is. It’s what they both deserve. And if he’s honest with himself, he’ll realize that, too.

But it’s not that easy.

“Phew, I dunno, man,” he says through a deep exhale, frowning at Nam-gyu as he swallows the lump in his throat. “I mean, that’s good, I guess? Really good. I’m happy for you, Nams.”

“Thank you, Thanos.”

And, once again, Nam-gyu says that with such kindness in his voice that Thanos almost feels like punching a wall. He just doesn’t deserve this kindness. He deserves to be ignored, yelled at, insulted. Anything but treated kindly by the one person he disappointed so much.

“His name’s Dae-ho, by the way,” Nam-gyu continues, still having that boyish smile on his face that Thanos wishes he could just wipe away. Simply because it’s not directed at him anymore.

And it’s not like Thanos specifically wanted to know his fiancé’s name, but he won’t turn Nam-gyu down after years without contact. He’s glad that Nam-gyu actually wants to share some bits of his personal life with him.

“He’s the kindest, most selfless person I’ve ever met,” Nam-gyu keeps gushing, like he’s the proudest partner in the world. Then again, he probably is. “Always has a smile on his face. For him, I wanted to become a better person myself. He showed me what true love really feels like.”

Nam-gyu glances at Thanos for a moment, too fleeting to linger, but Thanos still catches it. He knows that the last sentence isn’t just dedicated to Dae-ho. He’s known Nam-gyu long enough to know what he really meant to say is:

You never treated me like you loved me.

“Nam-gyu,” Thanos starts, his hand reaching out slowly, fingers twitching from the urge to comfort his ex-boyfriend. Nam-gyu retreats slightly, his cheeks warming faintly under Thanos’ soft gaze. And it’s not like Thanos hasn’t expected him to withdraw and keep their distance after everything they’ve been through, but he’d lie if he said it doesn’t hurt to see.

“I, uh— I should probably look for my partner,” Nam-gyu rushes out before Thanos can say anything else. “He must be somewhere around. We promised to meet up every now and then.”

“Your partner?” Thanos asks, eyes flickering in confusion. “Dae-ho’s here, too?”

“No, not Dae-ho.” Nam-gyu shakes his head, his dark curls wiggling slightly from the motion. “My business partner. We work for a small music label in Seoul.”

Thanos blinks, surprised. “You’re not working at Pentagon anymore?”

Nam-gyu shakes his head again, refusing to meet Thanos’ gaze. “I quit a long time ago. Didn’t really fit my new lifestyle anymore. Besides…” He stops himself, takes a deep breath, wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “There were too many memories linked to that place. I couldn’t stay, even if I wanted to.”

Thanos nods slowly. He understands Nam-gyu. He also evaded that place for a long time. Still does, if he’s being honest.

“Anyway, I should go now,” Nam-gyu says at last, already scurrying toward the exit. “It was nice talking to you, Thanos.”

“Y-yeah. You too, Nam-gyu.”

Thanos gives Nam-gyu one last smile, but with how heavy he feels, he doubts it looks somewhat authentic.

Nam-gyu smiles back with a small nod, his eyes a little gloomy but also genuine, before he vanishes into the crowd of people.

Thanos looks back at the bottle still in his hand, a deep sigh rumbling through his chest. Jeez, what a handful to take in. He really didn’t expect to meet Nam-gyu here of all people. His Nam-gyu, the addicted, depressed club promoter, who never really gave a damn about his life during their time together. The same Nam-gyu that now looks like he’s got it all figured out, a pretty ring sitting on his finger and a kind fiancé waiting for him back home.

Crazy, what your life can turn into once you cut off all the toxic strings weighing you down, huh?

He shakes his head with a snort, dragging the bottle to his lips once more. He takes another big gulp, followed by another, his mind spiraling further. How can people say drinking is self-destructive when it feels so good to finally numb all these crushing thoughts with just a few sips of this magic drug?

He doesn’t want these annoying feelings to wash over him like that. He’s the legend Thanos, for fucks sake! He’s better than that. He doesn’t get discouraged just because his (admittedly still scorching hot) ex told him what a wonderful life he’s built after they broke up. What a nice partner he has now. If Nam-gyu had also told him that his and Dae-ho’s sex is better than theirs, Thanos would’ve lost it completely.

Although, on second thought… there’s absolutely no way Nam-gyu could genuinely think that. No matter how fucked up their relationship was in the end, their sex has always been phenomenal. Absolutely mindblowing. He doubts that anyone can ever satisfy Nam-gyu like he could, no matter how much they might satisfy him in other regards.

A shameless grin etches onto his face. That thought finally lifts his sour mood, if only a little bit.

Unwilling to keep sulking in the kitchen any longer, he abandons the bottle of soju and instead stuffs his hands into the pockets of his baggy jeans, quietly shuffling into the living room now. Various groups of people have gathered in small circles, their conversations occasionally intermitted between sips of expensive wine and rich laughter.

He shakes his head and keeps walking through the bundles of people.

Eventually, his eyes find Nam-gyu once again, as if they’re magically drawn to each other. He’s standing next to another good-looking man and a few other guys he can’t name, apparently listening to something one of the strangers says. But before their eyes can meet again, Thanos quickly averts his gaze and keeps walking. He doesn’t want to disturb Nam-gyu during one of his important business talks.

Slightly demoralized, he heads for the terrace, hoping that the fresh breeze of night air might clear his head a little.

As soon as he steps onto the wooden floorboards, he immediately takes a deep breath, feeling the uneasy knot in his chest finally loosening slightly as the fresh air surges through him. Unfortunately though, his head still feels slightly dizzy from the alcohol and his overwhelming feelings. But since he knows that won’t change anytime soon, he just decides to suck it up and hit his vape instead.

It’s crazy, he thinks as he blows the sweetly flavored smoke into the night sky, how differently life can play out for you depending on what choices you make. He’s sure that if he and Nam-gyu had still been together till this day, neither of them would’ve quit drugs entirely. The hard stuff maybe, but not the tame stuff like cannabis and psilocybin.

But hearing that Nam-gyu has actually dropped everything, from hard drugs like H to the smallest drop of alcohol? Thanos must admit, it’s beyond impressive. A little pussy, too, but mostly impressive.

He grins slightly to himself. Nam-gyu, the previous hardcore junkie, is actually living a serene, legal life with a doted fiancé now. It doesn’t really sound much like him. He can’t imagine that this life could actually make Nam-gyu happy, but… he seemed happy. Like this is really what he needed all along.

And, sure, maybe Thanos wasn’t exactly the right person for him back then. He was selfish, too indulged in the mass of groupies and pretty women lying at his feet to care for a partner on a profound level. He just wasn’t really fit for a relationship back then.

But now? After he’s learned from his mistakes and has (somewhat) grown as a person?

He can proudly admit that he tried. Over and over again in the span of the past five years, with women and men alike, because he missed the comfort and emotional attachment that a relationship brings.

However… no matter who he was with, not a single relationship lasted longer than a few months, tops. And you might already guess whose fault it was…

Yup, you’re right: his.

Every single time, it was his fault that the relationship crumbled. But not because he cheated, no, he managed to keep his hands to himself after that one fatal incident. The problem is that he can’t exactly say the same about his mind.

Because ever since their ways parted, his mind simply refused to let Nam-gyu go. No matter what he did, he just couldn’t get the man out of his head. Couldn’t forget that sad face when he’d told him he cheated on him with another woman. Couldn’t forget his gorgeous smile whenever he’d praised or complimented him, or their beautiful moments together before shit hit the fan.

He tried to see the same in his new partners, tried to get over Nam-gyu and finally move on. But it just never hit the same. Their humor wasn’t as strange as Nam-gyu’s, they didn’t have Nam-gyu’s pretty dimples and cute freckles, they didn’t match his freak in bed like Nam-gyu did. It just didn’t really work out in one way or another.

Of course, no partner accepts such treatment forever. They wanted his entire devotion to themselves, and rightfully so. It’s the least you can expect from your partner. But Thanos just couldn’t give that to them. Because his heart still belonged to his Nam-su, and he doubts that’ll ever change.

But now his soulmate has settled down with someone else, and it just won’t get into his head. He just doesn’t want to accept it. How could he? Nam-gyu was literally perfect. So sweet and devoted to him, sometimes a little bratty, and always so fucking horny. Exactly his type.

He just didn’t really realize it at the time.

But he realizes now. And that has to count for something, right?

Okay, maybe their relationship was a complete and utter mess, at least in the end. Maybe he was a devastatingly toxic boyfriend and Nam-gyu had every right to leave him and find his luck with someone else. But, man. Their connection was… special, you know? One in a million. He’s never going to find that in somebody ever again.

He takes another hit from his vape, unable to bite back a derogative scoff. Dae-ho. His new sweetheart. He doubts that Nam-gyu actually gets a kick from that guy. Don’t get him wrong, it’s good that he stopped doing drugs and got clean because of him. Better for his health and shit. But, still—it sounds like Nam-gyu’s living like a monk now. Seriously, where’s all the fun in that? Not even a little weed every once in a while? Like, bro, c’mon.

As the nicotine begins to hit his system, mingling with the alcohol in his body, a bold thought suddenly crosses his mind. What if he just… looks for Nam-gyu one last time? Just one more talk with him? He might not be able to win him back, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t at least give it a try. He’ll hate himself forever if he lets this opportunity pass.

It’s a ridiculous attempt. Nam-gyu will never want him back. He’s a changed man now, more stable and secure in life. He surely doesn’t want to be with someone who has failed as a rapper and boyfriend, who doesn’t have much to offer besides his treasured stash and an exceptionally big cock. But, he thinks, it’s better than nothing, right? If there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s selling shit for gold.

With renewed vigor, he takes one last hit of his vape before pocketing the device, smirking to himself as he rolls his shoulders and makes his way to the door.

It’s a stupid idea, he knows it, but he won’t just allow another prick to claim Nam-gyu for himself. Not without a fight, at least. He’s worked on himself, he’s not as careless as he was five years ago. He can be a good boyfriend now. And he’s ready to prove it to Nam-gyu. That fucking Dae-ho guy can piss off, for all he cares.

Thanos is about to open the door to the penthouse when someone beats him to it, pushing it open from the inside and unfortunately hitting his head dead-center, making him stumble back from the sudden pain.

“Oh, for fucks—!” The person is already leaning forward to check up on him, worry evident through the shock in their voice. “Sorry, man, I didn’t see you there. I was—huh?” They stop mid-sentence and lean closer, inspecting him further. “Oh my god, is that you, Thanos? Again?”

Thanos shakes his head to recover from the accident. He then looks up and—

—stares directly into Nam-gyu’s concerned face. How fitting.

“Yeah, of course it’s me,” he grits out between clenched teeth, still rubbing his aching forehead with one hand. The pain already stars to wear off, though. “Who else would it be?”

Nam-gyu rights himself up, his concern immediately fading once his suspicion is confirmed. Ouch. Thanos forgot how much of a cunt he can be.

“What are you doing here?” Nam-gyu asks sourly, throwing him a wary glare. He doesn’t even apologize for running him over, that little brat. “You’re not following me, are you?”

“Following you?” Thanos echoes, masking his brief flicker of panic with a lopsided grin. Deny, deny, deny. “My boy, I was here first. So, if anything, you’re following me.”

“Huh? No, I wanted to—”

“You just missed me so much, huh?” Thanos throws in, smirking confidently. “C’mon, admit it. You couldn’t wait to see me again after all these years.”

“What?!” Nam-gyu gasps. “No! Why would I want to see you?”

“Hm, maybe because the Thanos charm is just irresistible? Everyone wants a piece of that cake.” And he knows it’s cruel, but he can’t refrain from adding, “Even you, sweetheart.”

Nam-gyu rolls his eyes and lets out an indignant scoff. “Jesus fuck, you really haven’t changed. Still as annoying as ever.”

“Okay, now you’re offending me.” Thanos raises his brow, but that lazy smile still dances around his lips. “Back then, you used to love that about me. You always went crazy when I teased you, Nam-su. And don’t even pretend you don’t remember.”

Even though Nam-gyu tries very hard to appear unfazed now, Thanos doesn’t miss the way his face heats up from the statement, his dark freckles glowing on his warm cheeks. Damn, he forgot how cute Nam-gyu looks when he’s blushing like that.

“It’s Nam-gyu, idiot,” Nam-gyu corrects half-heartedly, attempting to hide his embarrassed face by turning away. “And… that was a long time ago. Things have changed since then. I have a fiancé now, in case you forgot.”

Thanos’ jaw tightens. Of course he didn’t forget.

“Yeah, yeah, no need to remind me, my boy,” he casually waves off. “But he’s not here now, is he? So nothing wrong with a little banter between old friends.”

Nam-gyu looks back at him, his eyes narrowing slightly as he scrutinizes him. Then he suddenly says, “Okay, Thanos, cut the bullshit.”

Every muscle in Thanos’ body tenses. Shit, is Nam-gyu already calling him out?

“The fuck do you mean?” he snaps back, unable to suppress the irritation in his voice.

“You’re acting weird is what I mean,” Nam-gyu hisses, his arms crossing in front of his chest as he falls into a defensive posture. “Weirder than usual. It’s… freaking me out.”

Thanos’ frowns, feigning innocence. He tries to ignore the way his heart stings in response to Nam-gyu’s hostile attitude, because he somewhat understands him. It’s only natural that he doesn’t really trust him anymore. Not after what he did.

“I’m just happy to talk to you, man,” he explains. “Is that so wrong?”

“Yes, it is,” Nam-gyu deadpans, scowling at him. “I don’t trust you one bit. You’re just trying to ruin my life again with your shitty lies and your shitty flirts or… whatever the fuck you’re doing.” He steps a bit closer, his eyes glinting angrily as he continues, “But I’m not interested in your little games. I’m done with you, Thanos, so stop trying to piss me off with that shit. It’s not working anyway. You don’t control me anymore.”

Thanos stares at him in disbelief. “Nam-gyu, that’s not what I— shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… manipulate you, or whatever.”

He sighs. He knows arguing with Nam-gyu won’t get him anywhere, not that he really wants to argue in the first place. So he tries to be honest with him now.

“I’m sorry if I sounded weird about it. It’s just…” He swallows, averts his gaze, rubs his wrist nervously. Anything to stall, because what he’s about to say isn’t easy for him. “You know I’m not good at this stuff. I make dumb jokes when I’m nervous, but I never meant to make fun of you. I’m just really, really happy to talk to you after all these years of not knowing what went on in your life and… I dunno. Guess I’ve been trying to make it feel like the good old days, you know? Because I—” Thanos bites his lip, looks at his hands for a moment before gathering enough courage to focus back on Nam-gyu. “Nam-gyu, I just… I really missed this. I missed you, so much that—”

“Stop,” Nam-gyu interrupts firmly. It would sound indifferent, if the slight tremble in his voice weren’t giving him away. “Just… stop, please. I— fuck, I really can’t deal with this now.” He turns away, his shoulders hunched as he rubs his arms uneasily. “Sorry, but I think it’s better if I go back insi—”

But Thanos grabs his arm before Nam-gyu can leave, the touch light, applying just the slightest pressure. Nam-gyu freezes, his gaze locked on the door in front of him, breath caught in his throat.

“Please, Nam-gyu, don’t go,” Thanos whispers, trying to sound as steady as he can. “Let’s talk about this. Just the two of us, cards on the table. We never really talked after we… you know.” He takes a deep breath, his heart hammering in his chest. “But please don’t leave now. You have no idea how much I suffered after the last time you left.”

Nam-gyu tenses as he remembers their abrupt goodbye. “That’s your problem, not mine. You did this to yourself.”

“I know,” Thanos mutters softly, his hand slowly loosening its grip on his ex-boyfriend’s arm before withdrawing completely. “Trust me, I know. And I don’t expect your understanding for what I did. Or your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve that. I just— fuck, I just wanna talk. About our feelings back then. Our feelings now. I feel like we both deserve the closure.”

Nam-gyu stays frozen for another few seconds, mulling Thanos’ plea over. Thanos can see how the muscles in his jaw clench, how his eyes shimmer suspiciously as he gnaws on his bottom lip. A nervous trait of his, Thanos remembers.

Eventually though, he turns back around to face him, his eyes fierce and cold as he says, “You wanna talk? Fine, we’ll talk. But this time, I’ll start.”

Thanos can’t help but blink in surprise. “Uh, yeah. Whatever you want.”

“And you better listen closely, because I will only say it once.”

Nam-gyu’s tone is harsh, despite the slight tremor in it. The icy glare, however, is what really unsettles Thanos.

“But, man, where do I even start? I would love to start with the good memories, but unfortunately, there isn’t a lot to say. Because you,” he points at Thanos accusingly, “have brought me nothing but pain for years. I have always given you everything I could, ignored my own needs just so I could satisfy yours. Because I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to give you the life you always wanted. A life filled with love, and success, and all the positive things you could wish for. Because you deserved it. You— you always worked so hard for your dream. For your career.”

Nam-gyu averts his gaze, trying to hide his true emotions from him. But Thanos knows him too well. He can see that beneath the obvious layer of anger, there are a few more masked ones: Sadness, for example. Hurt. Betrayal.

He feels horrible.

“I did it because seeing you happy made me happy. I thought you wanted me to be happy, too. I thought you cared about me the same way I cared about you.” He looks back at Thanos, his eyes shimmering suspiciously under the dim outdoor light. “But it turned out you were just a selfish, entitled asshole this entire time, and everything I did was for nothing. Because you don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself, never did, and probably never will. So, yeah. I’m glad I left you and this… terrible life behind.”

Nam-gyu’s breath hitches, his arms shaking, and Thanos wants nothing more than to reach out and pull Nam-gyu into a tight embrace. But that’s probably the last thing Nam-gyu wants right now, so of course he suppresses the urge and just keeps focusing on their conversation instead. Even if it hurts to hear all these cruel (but true) words coming from the only person he ever gave a fuck about.

“You messed with my head so badly I couldn’t sleep or eat for weeks after we broke up,” Nam-gyu continues, frustration replacing the hurt once again. “You were everywhere. No matter where I looked, or where I went, you were there. In the mirror, the pictures on the wall, even inside the door I could see you. Always insulting me and telling me what a useless cunt I am. How glad you are to not have me in your life anymore. How annoying I was.”

He bites the inside of his cheek as he turns toward the railing, letting the light breeze wash over his face. There’s an almost mournful look on his face now as he recalls the memories after their breakup.

“But sometimes you were sweet, too. Those were the rare moments where I remembered the kind side of you before our relationship went to hell. You’d tell me what pretty eyes I have. How pretty I sound when I enjoy myself. How beautiful my hair is, and that you’d love to comb through it just one more time.” Nam-gyu angles his chin slightly, catching Thanos’ eyes over his shoulder, their gaze locked over the curve of his bangs framing his face. “I thought I was going crazy. I knew you weren’t real, but… why did you sound and look so real?”

A small breath catches in Thanos’ throat after the confession, his eyes raking over the vulnerable look on Nam-gyu’s face. He thought back to all the beautiful things he thought about Nam-gyu before he decided his boyfriend was too much maintenance for him.

“It was real,” he affirms, before slowly making his way over to Nam-gyu. He moves carefully, like Nam-gyu might bolt if he approaches too quickly. “Maybe not your hallucinations, but… what you hallucinated. You didn’t just imagine it. You’ve always been a sight for sore eyes, and I’ve always loved looking at you. Even when I didn’t show it much in the end.”

Nam-gyu scoffs. He turns away from him once more, letting his gaze sweep over the impressive skyline at their feet instead.

“You mean when you decided I wasn’t worth your attention anymore,” he corrects, the resentment evident in his gruff tone.

Thanos remains silent. He doesn’t know what he could possibly say that wouldn’t make him sound like a complete asshole right now. Nam-gyu beats him to it, anyway.

“I loved you, you know.”

Thanos head snaps up in an instant. That’s a new one during all of their conversations tonight.

Nam-gyu’s gaze stays locked on the broad skyline ahead, but his eyes shimmer with something bittersweet now. “God, how much I loved you. So much so that it was almost unhealthy.”

Slowly, Nam-gyu looks down at the engagement ring on his finger, rolling the delicate silver band gently between his thumb and index.

“Back then, I would’ve done everything for you. I was ready to spend my whole life with you. I know we were young, but I never once doubted my feelings for you. How good it felt when we spent time together, usually high, or fucking, or both at the same time.” He chuckles thoughtfully at the memory, remembering how carefree they were, always living in the moment and never thinking far ahead.

But it doesn’t take long before his eyes harden once again, his hand abandoning the ring on his finger, his chest angling to face Thanos properly.

“But that’s over now,” he declares at last, his gaze fierce and resolute. It makes Thanos swallow thickly. “And I’m glad about that. I’m glad that I can erase you and all our shitty memories from my mind and look at a future with someone who loves me just the way I am. I deserve the peaceful life I’ve built with Dae-ho. And I’m not gonna allow you to ruin it just because you suddenly changed your mind and decided I am actually worth your time. Not after it took me everything to forget about you and all the things you did.”

A second of silence stretches between them. Then another, bleeding into three, into five. Thanos lets it settle, his chest heavy from the confession still lingering between them.

It actually takes some effort to swallow the lump in his throat and even out his breathing, but eventually, he manages to regain his composure.

He decides to finally speak up now.

“I’m sorry,” is what he says.

Nam-gyu’s head snaps toward him, an uncertain flicker flashing across his face. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

Gradually, Nam-gyu’s eyes narrow, like he can’t believe what he’s just heard. Thanos doesn’t blame him. He can’t remember if he ever once apologized for anything during their time together.

“I know you don’t believe me, but… really, I am sorry,” he tacks on. “I’m so fucking sorry for what I did. For how I treated you. I was a disgusting piece of shit, and you deserved so much better.”

He takes another step closer, carefully assessing whether Nam-gyu allows him to step into his space or not. Nam-gyu flinches slightly, but doesn’t retreat. His eyes stay glued on Thanos the entire time though, probably monitoring his actions closely.

Thanos takes another deep breath, his eyes steadily focused on Nam-gyu’s flickering dark orbs. Deliberately, he speaks up again, choosing his next words carefully.

“I know nothing I say will change the way I made you feel back then, but I just want you to know that I regret not showing you the same respect you showed me. I guess I didn’t realize it back then, but… you really were my treasure. Every time you took care of me, made sure I was eating well and resting properly, you were my guardian angel watching over me. And I took you for granted. And that’s something I’ll never forgive myself for.”

Now it’s out.

Thanos can’t lie, finally saying that out loud lifts such a heavy weight from his shoulders. It’s something he’s been thinking for years, always believing he’ll never get another opportunity to say it directly to Nam-gyu’s face. But apparently, the universe can be kind every once in a while.

Nam-gyu, however, is still shooting daggers at him. He’s also biting the inside of his cheek while his eyebrow twitches characteristically. Even after all their years apart, Thanos still knows that this particular reaction always happens whenever Nam-gyu’s about to burst from anger or when he isn’t sure how to react to something. In this case, Thanos assumes it’s the latter.

Might be the anger too, though. You can never be too sure with Nam-gyu. He’s like a box of chocolates—you never know what you’re gonna get.

Eventually, Nam-gyu clicks his tongue and says, “Well, too late now, Thanos. I don’t care what you think. I’m done with you, no matter how much you ‘regret’ your behavior back then. It still fucking happened, and if you think I’m simply forgiving you for what you did, you’re mistaken. After we’re done here, I never want to see you again.”

Wow, okay. Anger it is, then. Figures.

But despite the seriousness of the situation, Thanos can’t bite back the enamored grin. Nam-gyu glares at him through the corner of his eye, scoffing in annoyance.

“What? You think this is funny?”

“No.”

“Then why the hell are you laughing?”

“I dunno, it’s just…” Thanos clears his throat, still smiling like an idiot. “I realized I was wrong. And that kinda made me chuckle.”

“You were wrong? Wrong about what,” Nam-gyu grunts, rolling his eyes. “You’re wrong about a lot of things, you gotta be more specific than that.”

Thanos remains quiet for a moment, his eyes roaming over Nam-gyu’s face once more. Over the tiny freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks, the sharp eyes staring so feistily at him, the delicious pink shade of his lips, covered in a faint layer of lipgloss. His pretty black hair, which looks, although a few centimeters longer now, still as soft and silky as five years ago.

“I was wrong about what I said earlier,” Thanos finally clarifies, gaze locked on Nam-gyu’s mouth for a second too long before finding Nam-gyu’s eyes again. “You haven’t changed. You’re still as breathtaking as all those years ago. Still the brave warrior determined to put me in my place. And you have no idea what this does to me, Nam-su. You’re so unbelievably stunning, it’s no wonder I couldn’t get you out of my head all these years.”

For a long second, Nam-gyu is too stunned to speak. He gapes at Thanos, eyes wide, cheeks warming under Thanos’ soft smile. Thanos can see that he doesn’t actually want to get flustered, hell, he fought so hard to show him how much he hates him. But the thing with Nam-gyu is, he is so damn responsive to compliments and praise. They get under his skin like nothing else—it’s always been like that. Whenever he was angry with Thanos, it usually dissolved quickly under a series of softly spoken praise and delicately placed kisses. Apparently, that hasn’t changed at all.

“Y­-you’re— that’s—” Nam-gyu turns away, hiding his face behind the loose strands of his hair. “I told you to stop saying that. It doesn’t mean shit to me. And you don’t mean it, anyway.”

“I meant every word.”

Abruptly, Nam-gyu turns back to Thanos, his hands trembling slightly as he snaps, “Okay, even if you do, I don’t give a fuck. I have someone else now, someone I love very dearly, and you’re not getting in the way. You’re just trying to manipulate me again, like you did all those years ago when we were together.” He steps closer, jabbing his finger against Thanos’ chest. “But I’m not the naïve boy I was back then. I know my worth now. And you contributed nothing to that, so stop acting like you actually see something in me now.”

“But Nam-gyu, I’m not lying.” Thanos, unfazed by Nam-gyu’s anger, holds their eye contact steady. “I said I’m sorry for what I did—”

“And I said I don’t care!”

“—but I also said I don’t want your forgiveness. I just want you to know. Do you have any idea what I went through after you left?”

Nam-gyu gasps, exasperated. “What you went through?! Have you lost your fucking mind?! I was the one who had to find out that you cheated on me with some stupid fucking whore! All our years together, the trust we built, the memories we made, it all went down the drain just because you couldn’t wait to get your dick wet!” He spins around, huffing in exasperation, wiping over his face with one hand before turning back to Thanos. “And now you have the fucking audacity to say that you suffered?! Jesus, get a load of this guy. Fucking unbelievable.”

Thanos grits his jaw, letting Nam-gyu’s insults wash over him. He’s right, in a way. He’s sure that Nam-gyu suffered a lot more than he did, because he had to deal with the aftermath of getting cheated on. Probably tortured by questions like, Am I not good enough? Did he ever love me? Do I deserve this?

He can only imagine how tough these months must’ve been for Nam-gyu. But that doesn’t mean that he didn’t suffer too, even if he was responsible for their breakup. He also had to live with the consequences. With the guilt, the pain, the grief of losing someone. 

Thanos observes Nam-gyu for another long moment. He notices how his chest rises and falls quickly from his emotional outburst. How he presses his lips together and keeps his eyes locked on his hands on the railing, like he doesn’t want to look at him because he might burst into tears if he did.

He swallows, his eyes dropping as well.

“You know… I’ve actually had a few other relationships after we broke up.”

Nam-gyu scoffs. “Good for you.”

“They never lasted long.”

“Yeah, because you’re unfit for a relationship,” Nam-gyu spits venomously, picking at his cuticles.

“No,” Thanos shakes his head. “It’s because you never really left.”

That makes Nam-gyu stop in his tracks. His whole body freezes, but he still refuses to look at Thanos.

“I know you said I haven’t changed, but… I did. I’ve changed because of you. Because I never wanted to hurt anyone like you ever again.”

After that, there’s a beat. A moment of silence.

Nam-gyu looks like he’s processing what Thanos just said. Thanos doesn’t want to overwhelm him with more words. So they stay in this peaceful silence where everyone just sorts their thoughts for a moment.

Eventually, Thanos notices how Nam-gyu’s shoulders start to shake. And even though he’s sure it’s not really because of the weather—the temperature is very mild tonight—it still unsettles him. So he slips out of his denim jacket and places it over Nam-gyu’s shoulders, and he’s pretty surprised when Nam-gyu actually lets him. Though he isn’t sure if it’s because he actually wants it, or because he’s just too tired to care.

And even though Nam-gyu looks like he’s still mad at him, there’s also something else shimmering in his eyes now. Something like… melancholy?

“I remember how you used to care for me like this,” Nam-gyu murmurs quietly, his fingers stroking fondly over the denim. “Before you started to hate me, I mean. You’d always take such good care of me whenever I needed it.”

Thanos nods slowly. He remembers it too, his protectiveness over Nam-gyu. Especially during their early months together. He knew how much Nam-gyu hated (and likely still hates) crowds of people, how much he hated cold hands, how much he hated strangers talking to him. He’d always make sure Nam-gyu was never crowded, was never cold or forced into conversations. He always used to be his shield, protecting him of any inconvenience.

That was until he decided Nam-gyu demanded too much of his attention and effort, consequently making him care less.

He never regretted anything more in his life.

Now, his hand slowly inches toward Nam-gyu’s, bit by bit, until it hovers directly over his. He hesitates, waits for Nam-gyu to pull back. But Nam-gyu doesn’t. He just watches their hands, curious, like he’s wondering whether they’ll actually connect or if Thanos withdraws before it can happen. That gives Thanos the confidence to actually place his hand on top of Nam-gyu’s, not demanding, just resting. Assuring. Nam-gyu releases a quiet breath.

“You have no idea how much I’d love to care about you like that again,” he admits, his voice low and truthful, his hand giving Nam-gyu’s the gentlest squeeze. “I miss you so fucking much, Nams. I miss how we were before I fucked it up. If there’s one thing I could change, it’s abandoning you and making you feel like I didn’t love you. Because I did. I loved you so fucking much. I just realized it too late.”

The smaller man’s eyes are glued to the hand resting on top of his own as Thanos’ words sink deep under his skin.

“And I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you.”

Boom. That hit like a bombshell.

In an instant, Nam-gyu whirls his head around to look up at him, startled, his breath caught in his throat. Their world stops for a moment once their eyes connect, the same unfiltered, honest longing in them like all those years ago when they first met.

In that moment, Thanos can feel their hearts beating the same rhythm, their lungs working as one. Everything is reduced to that one moment of eye contact between them, the confession lingering in the air, weighing heavy on them like a blanket of truth and affliction.

Thanos’ eyes flicker to Nam-gyu’s mouth, that yearning desire for physical contact burning tight in his chest, and he can see that Nam-gyu’s eyes do the same for a short second. He almost inches closer, intend on closing the remaining distance to his ex-boyfriend and finally tasting him after years of unsatisfied craving.
 
But right before he can claim Nam-gyu’s lips with his own, Nam-gyu snaps away, blinking a few times to regain his composure. He withdraws his hand from beneath Thanos’, twisting the delicate silver ring on his finger as he shamefully turns away.

“I have a fiancé,” he murmurs again, as though he needs a verbal reminder. His voice is laced with regret, cheeks flushing a disgraceful red. “I… I shouldn’t be doing this with you. It’s wrong.”

Thanos lets out a shaky breath, his mouth still tingling from the anticipated kiss he never got. “But you feel it too, don’t you? Our connection?”

Nam-gyu gnaws on his bottom lip. “I don’t know what I feel, Thanos. You’re… confusing me. This isn’t right, I’m not supposed to be with you like this. My poor Dae-ho is sitting at home right now, waiting for me, and I’m here talking to my ex, almost kissing my ex, like— what the fuck. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing.”

Thanos nods understandingly. He knows it’s not right, either. He knows he’s forcing Nam-gyu into an immoral situation by cornering him like that. He knows he almost made Nam-gyu cheat on his fiancé like he did on Nam-gyu all these years ago with another girl, and that he almost made him go through something equally traumatic again.

But, at the same time, he can’t help himself. He’s always been somewhat selfish. He’s never been perfect, but after Nam-gyu left, he tried to become a better person. He never cheated again after that one incident, because he couldn’t bear to hurt anyone like that ever again.

But this? This is Nam-gyu he’s facing now. This is Nam-gyu finally standing in front of him after years of separation. This is Nam-gyu he could be kissing right now.

And god, there’s nothing he wants more. He wants to kiss Nam-gyu, to feel him against himself, to hold him in his arms and encompass him with his whole being until he completely melts into him and never lets him go again. And that wish isn’t a fleeting one, either. As soon as he saw him at the party, he wanted to reclaim Nam-gyu, no matter the cost.

But… is it really worth it if it means he’ll make Nam-gyu suffer again? If it means he’ll have a few minutes of shared warmth and affection with him, but Nam-gyu loses everything he so desperately fought for? If Nam-gyu loses that one person who has brought back his spark after Thanos made him lose it?

No, he thinks. It’s not worth it. Even if his heart aches for Nam-gyu the way it never did for anyone else, even if his soul burns at the prospect of losing him a second time.

It’s not worth it if it means Nam-gyu will have to fight for himself again.

Thanos takes Nam-gyu’s hand in his, his thumb pressing soothing circles into the pale skin.

“It’s okay, Nam-gyu,” he says softly, suppressing his disappointment as best as he can. “I won’t force another confession from you. Or anything else, for that matter. I know you’re happy with someone else now, and that’s all that matters to me. Really, I’m glad you finally found someone to settle down with. Back then, I couldn’t give that to you, and even though I’d love to give it to you now, I know better than to yearn for a taken man. I only want what’s best for you, Nams.”

Nam-gyu exhales softly as he looks up at Thanos, his dark eyes glinting with tenderness and… grief, maybe?

“Su-bong…”

He says his real name for the first time that evening. It shouldn’t feel so electrifying, it’s just his fucking name, but Thanos still feels like he’s floating. Furthermore, Nam-gyu’s hand returns the squeeze with the slightest pressure, possibly hinting that he isn’t all that angry with him anymore. Their reconciliation is going better than what he could’ve hoped for.

Nam-gyu shifts slightly on his feet. “I know I said I hated you, but… the truth is, I think I just talked myself into believing that because I couldn’t bear the thought of you hating me.” He sighs, looks at their joined hands for a moment. “But hearing now that you actually loved me, even after we broke up… It feels like something in me is finally healing. Something that I didn’t even know could be healed.”

He looks back at Thanos’ face, their eyes meeting in a gloomy, yearning smile that says more about their affection for each other than words ever could.

Thanos is so desperate. He wants to lean down and claim the kiss he’s been dreaming about for years, but he remembers the promise he gave Nam-gyu barely a minute ago. Even if there’s nothing in this world he wants more, he can’t.

So he leans down and places a kiss to Nam-gyu’s cheek instead, the touch short but lingering, his lips leaving a trace of warmth that soaks into Nam-gyu’s skin and makes Nam-gyu’s grip tighten on his hand.

When Thanos pulls back, his mouth curves into a sad, hurting smile as he reminisces what he’s about to lose—again.

“After tonight,” he says quietly, “I will leave you alone. I will let you live your life with Dae-ho, and I hope that you’ll find everything you ever wished for. You deserve it, Nams.”

Nam-gyu tilts his head softly, his hand reaching up to cup Thanos’ cheek tenderly. Thanos closes his eyes and lets the touch linger, leaning slightly into the soft palm.

“I hope that one day you’ll find what you’re looking for, too,” Nam-gyu murmurs, smiling at Thanos despite the pain clawing at his heart. “And even though I can’t wait for my future with Dae-ho, I want you to know that you’ll always have a special place in my heart. You were my first love, after all. This thing between us, it’s— it just wasn’t meant to be. Sooner or later, we would’ve ruined each other. We’re just… too destructive. As individuals, but even more when we’re together. It’s probably better that we ended it.”

Thanos sighs and grabs Nam-gyu’s hand, removing it slowly from his cheek and placing one, two delicate kisses on his knuckles instead.  

“I don’t think I will ever love anyone like you again,” he whispers against Nam-gyu’s skin, inhaling his sweet, familiar his scent one last time. “I’ve tried it, time and time again. It just never worked. Couldn’t get you out of my head. Probably never will.”

Nam-gyu’s eyes become suspiciously glassy. “Su-bong…”

“But it’s okay. You’re probably right. We’re just… not meant to be, I guess.” He swipes his thumb over the engagement ring on Nam-gyu’s finger as he swallows his disappointment. “But I also can’t help but wonder how things could’ve been if you had never met him. If I had found you before him. You vanished completely after we broke up, and I never had the chance to reach out to you. Maybe if I did—”

“—I wouldn’t have let you,” Nam-gyu interrupts him, his tone gentle but firm at the same time. “Trust me. I barely did today, and I was a lot less composed back then. I would’ve never let you talk to me. I was way too hurt after what you did.”

Thanos sighs. “You’re probably right, yeah.”

“And I definitely wouldn’t have taken you back, either. Even today…” Nam-gyu looks away for a moment, letting his eyes roam over the breathtaking view from their high position once more, his eyes distant, searching. “I don’t think I can ever forgive you for hurting me like that. There’s no way I’d fully trust you again, even if I wanted to. You sealed our fate when you decided to turn your back on me.”

“I was a different person back then,” Thanos mutters, still feeling so incredibly guilty for mistreating Nam-gyu during their relationship.

“Oh, I’m sure you were,” Nam-gyu affirms with a small smile, and Thanos has no idea how he can still smile at him after everything they’ve been through. “But it still doesn’t erase the pain. Even if I weren’t in a relationship with Dae-ho now, I just couldn’t give you another chance. Because I’d be plagued with the constant fear of you cheating on me again. And that’s something I cannot deal with in a relationship. I need reliance. I need to trust my partner. And, as hard as it may sound, I just can’t trust you anymore. Even if you promised you’d never do it again… My head would begin to spiral, and I’d start clinging to you again, and eventually I’d suffocate you like I did before. We’ve been through that once, Su-bong.”

“You weren’t even that clingy,” Thanos objects, chuckling at the memory of Nam-gyu always hanging off his arm and shooting death glares at strangers whenever they so much as blinked in his direction. “Okay, maybe a bit. But it was sweet. Like a little baby koala clinging to their mother. If this were us today, I’d cherish the fuck out of it. I’d never let you go. I know now what I lost, and nobody could ever replace what we had.”

“No,” Nam-gyu agrees, softly pulling Thanos into a loose hug, his hands roaming over Thanos’ back in gentle motions. Thanos wraps his arms around Nam-gyu’s waist in return, burying his face in the crook of Nam-gyu’s neck. “And that’s okay. Because we can have something beautiful with other people, too. We had a good time together. But I think it’s time we take another step forward.”

Nam-gyu pulls back slightly, looking up at Thanos through optimistic, soothing eyes. “Dae-ho and I have plans for the future. We want to adopt a kid… maybe two. Give them a loving home to grow up in.” His thumb gives Thanos’ cheek a reassuring stroke. “You see, I’m not exactly the same person I used to be. I’ve matured. I actually take matters into my own hands now. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same.”

Thanos is barely able to bite back a scoff. How is he supposed to “mature” when the only person he wants to mature with is already taken by another man? How is he supposed to ever get clean and get his life back under control when the only person that can help him through it won’t be there? Nobody gets him like Nam-gyu does. It’s always been like that, even now. But Nam-gyu seems to have found his happiness in someone else, and even if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have taken him back anyway. So it looks like Thanos just has to suck it up, no matter how much it hurts and how much work it’ll be to get over Nam-gyu. This time, he has to do it. Once and for all.

Nam-gyu still looks at him with these understanding, patient eyes, and it makes Thanos’ heart flutter agonizingly in his chest. He said he won’t kiss Nam-gyu because he doesn’t want to force him into a bad position, but… if this really is goodbye, then he wants it to be proper. He needs it to be proper. He wants them to part with something he can remember. Something to hold onto when the pain becomes a little too overwhelming in the future.

He knows it’s a lot to ask for, but maybe Nam-gyu can grant him this one final wish.

“Nam-gyu, can I— uh… Do you think we can—” He stares at Nam-gyu’s mouth, the lump in his throat becoming unbearably thick before he clears his throat and turns away. “Shit, I— Sorry. I shouldn’t ask this.”

Nam-gyu tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just—” Thanos rubs the back of his neck, ashamed. “Ugh, I dunno, man. This is hard.”

Nam-gyu snorts, but it doesn’t sound mean. “You’ve never held back on me before, but now you suddenly decide to act shy? C’mon, I believe in your big boy skills of using your mouth properly.”

Thanos rolls his eyes. This is really not the time for jokes.

Although, it’s not like it really matters. He’s gotta pull himself together if he wants this final kiss, and he really, really does. So he gathers all the courage he can muster and asks,

“Okay, uh… I know you’re gonna say no anyway, but… would you, maybe, kiss me? One last time?”

Nam-gyu’s eyes widen, his eyebrows shooting up in a disbelieving frown. “Kiss you?!”

“See? I knew you were gonna say no,” Thanos grunts. “Forget I ever asked.”

“N-no, it’s just—” Nam-gyu’s eyes dart away, his cheeks reddening significantly. “You know, my—”

“—fiancé, yes I know,” Thanos interrupts him this time. “Don’t worry about that, I’m not gonna say shit to anyone. I just… wanna feel you. One last time. Please, I promise I’ll leave you alone and never reach out to you again after this, just— I need this. I need you, Nam-gyu.”

Thanos can see that his words actually affect Nam-gyu, if the deep blush on his face and the nervous fidgeting with his hands are anything to go by. However, he still hesitates.

“Su-bong, I… I can’t.”

“Why?” Thanos frowns. “It’s really no big deal. No one’s gotta know, and it means nothing, anyway. It’s just a kiss.”

Suddenly, Nam-gyu’s face hardens, and that beautiful scowl that makes his eyes even sharper and his jaw even tighter finds its way back onto his face. Even angry, Nam-gyu looks gorgeous. Maybe even more gorgeous than normally.

“Fuck, this is exactly your problem,” Nam-gyu snaps. “You just don’t get it, do you? This is why we broke up. You just have no respect for the commitment of a serious relationship. This thing between me and Dae-ho is no hookup, Su-bong!” He steps closer, his chest flaring as he exclaims, “We’re engaged—soon to be married! And you expect something so crude of me. This is absolutely ridiculous, even for you.”

Thanos glares back at him, his stance unyielding. His voice is even, controlled when he says, “You can yell at me all you want, but it won’t change a damn thing. I won’t be ashamed of my feelings for you. You don’t wanna kiss me—fine. I understand your reason. But I won’t leave this party thinking I did something wrong. Because for once in my life, I didn’t. And before you think I have no idea what I’m talking about, let me tell you that yes, I know cheating is wrong, I found that out when my life went to shit after I did it. And yeah, I regret doing it, and I never did it since. But you wanna know something I never told anyone else?”

Nam-gyu swallows, neither affirming nor denying Thanos’ question. His fierce glare is invitation enough, though.

Thanos crowds closer, close enough that he can feel Nam-gyu’s heavy puffs of breath against his own lips. It only fuels his desire to claim him.

His deep blue eyes pierce right through Nam-gyu’s dark ones as he continues, “I would cheat on anyone, literally anyone, if it means I could just have one single minute with you. Because nobody on this god forsaken planet has ever meant shit to me, not the way you did. And yes, I know I fucked up when I cheated on you, and I know you will never want me back because of that. But I can’t sit here pretending you never meant the world to me when it’s just not true. And I better realize it late than never.”

A little too stunned to speak, Nam-gyu keeps staring up at Thanos, his breath stuttering slightly. Thanos swipes his thumb over Nam-gyu’s slightly trembling bottom lip, collecting spit and a leftover trace of lipgloss there, smearing it from the corner to the middle. The other hand slowly inches toward Nam-gyu’s hip, firmly resting there, and Nam-gyu makes absolutely no attempt at pulling free.

“You don’t have to feel the same,” he adds quietly, his voice low and gravelly as his lips carefully ghost over Nam-gyu’s without fully touching them yet. “I understand if you choose Dae-ho over me. I know I came outta nowhere tonight, and this is a lot for you to handle. I just… needed you to know. The rest is up to you, Nam-gyu.”

Nam-gyu’s eyes flicker to his mouth, hesitant but considering, his hands clamping around the collar of Thanos’ t-shirt, fisting it in his palm as though it could somehow anchor him. He then looks back up at Thanos, only to find him already staring at him with warm eyes. Swallowing once, he whispers quietly against his mouth, “This is just a goodbye, Su-bong. Nothing more.”

“Nothing more,” Thanos confirms softly, even though the knot in his chests winds tighter at the affirmation.

Oh, how he’d love for it to not be a goodbye kiss but a “comeback” kiss instead. Though, he doesn’t want to complain. He’ll gladly take everything from Nam-gyu he can get. He knows it’s already a lot to ask from a taken man.

Slowly, as if Nam-gyu needs to get over his doubts first, he inches closer toward Thanos, his slightly sticky lips brushing over Thanos’ as he tests the feeling of their connection. Thanos closes his eyes, savoring the feeling of Nam-gyu’s mouth finally touching his after such a long time without contact. It feels like heaven—like taking Ecstasy and LSD at the same time.

Eventually, Nam-gyu closes the small remaining gap between them and slots their mouths together. Instantly, it feels like a firework surging through Thanos, and he can’t help but pull Nam-gyu closer to him, his arm tightening around Nam-gyu’s waist as his other hand reaches up to cup the smaller man’s cheek in his palm. Nam-gyu releases a tiny sound against his mouth, not really a moan, more like a small whimper, a quiet huff of breath. His own hand fists Thanos’ shirt harder while the other one moves to the back of his head, burying his fingers into the short strands of purple hair as their kiss deepens.

Soon, Thanos tries something a little more bold. His tongue prods keenly against Nam-gyu’s lips, licking over them in gentle strokes, begging to enter. Nam-gyu pulls back momentarily, panting against Su-bong’s mouth, their foreheads touching while they regain their breaths. Thanos strokes his thumb across Nam-gyu’s cheekbone, relishing the moment of intimacy between them.

“This is just a goodbye,” Nam-gyu murmurs again, as if he needs to remind himself more than Thanos. “Nothing more than a goodbye. I will never see you again after this.”

“Just a goodbye,” Thanos affirms, but he pulls Nam-gyu even closer at the same time, as if his body acts on different commands. He places one more kiss on Nam-gyu’s mouth, then another, his lips delicately sweeping over the soft tissue while his hand brushes a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “Just you and me, sweetheart. One last time.”

Nam-gyu nods almost imperceptibly. He then leans in again, actively pressing their lips together in another sealing kiss. This time though, he allows Thanos to lick into his mouth, opening up for him to claim him in this particular moment.

And Thanos does. He takes full advantage of Nam-gyu’s offering, his hands tightening their hold over the other man while his tongue explores the wet warmth of Nam-gyu’s mouth. He tastes delicious. A bit sweet, like plums or peaches, and sour at the same time, like slices of lime. A faint trace of cigarettes, too. It’s good to know he didn’t quit his guilty pleasures entirely.

Nam-gyu seems to melt against him, his knees becoming a little weak as they keep kissing against the railing, tiny whimpers slipping free that are immediately swallowed by Thanos’ eager mouth. Thanos holds him upright, his hand securing a firm grip on the small of his back, his thumb performing little strokes as their kiss slowly comes to an end.

Eventually, Nam-gyu pulls back with a small exhale, seeming almost reluctant as he steps back. Like he doesn’t want it to end, either.

Their eyes flutter open, chests still heaving as they recover from their shared intimacy seconds ago. With the way Nam-gyu stares up at him, his eyes glassy and needy, Thanos is sure that at any other time, this would’ve been the moment where they went home together and continued what they started.

But… this isn’t any other time. In this timeline, Nam-gyu has a fiancé waiting for him back home, and he and Thanos are just about to part ways. Probably forever. The next time he sees him, he might already have two kids and a loving husband to take care of.

The thought makes Thanos smile, even if it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Yeah, that’s a life Nam-gyu deserves. A life without pain. A life Thanos could probably never give to him, no matter how hard he’d try. Because that’s just not who he is. But it’s something Dae-ho can be, so…

He’s ready to let Nam-gyu go.

Thanos wills back the tears in his eyes and gives Nam-gyu’s flushed cheek one final stroke with his thumb before pulling back entirely, allowing Nam-gyu his space again.

“Maybe in another life things could’ve worked out between us,” he says at last, his voice laced with grief and anguish.

“Yeah,” Nam-gyu nods, his eyes suspiciously shiny, too. “Maybe in another life, Su-bong.”

They share another long look with each other, each one refusing to look away or leave the other entirely. This is the last time they will see each other… Neither of them wants to acknowledge that they’ll both be going their separate ways from now on. Although it’s nothing new—they did that for five whole years until they met again today. But something about this goodbye is just painfully bittersweet. Like they finally acknowledge that it’s better for them to be apart, even if their hearts still long for each other.

Eventually, Nam-gyu clears his throat and slowly removes Thanos’ jacket from his shoulders, carefully handing it over. It feels as if he’s also removing a piece of Thanos from himself by doing so—by handing back something that Thanos always used to share with him back in the days—which is why Thanos only takes it with reluctance. But it’d be way too careless if Nam-gyu went home with it, so he can’t even offer it as a keepsake.   

“I, uh— I guess I should go now,” Nam-gyu finally declares. He gradually steps back from Thanos and heads toward the glass door leading back inside. “I wish you all the best, Su-bong. Hopefully you’ll find your happiness too one day.”

Thanos doesn’t believe that he will. Still, he gives a small nod to express his gratitude, his hand vanishing inside the pocket of his pants to hide the way his short nails painfully bite into it.

“Take care, Nam-gyu.”

Nam-gyu nods back, his feet rooted in place for another long second. Eventually though, he turns around and finally walks toward the door.

But right before his hand can press down the handle, Thanos interrupts him with another exclamation.

“Wait!”

Nam-gyu stops in his tracks, carefully turning around to face him. “Yeah?”

For a moment, Thanos’ heart feels like it stops beating at the sight of Nam-gyu’s beautiful eyes finding his one more time. Oh, how he’ll burn this delicate image into his mind forever.

“I just wanted to thank you,” he manages to get out.

Nam-gyu frowns. “For what?”

“For talking to me. I know this wasn’t easy for you, so… thanks for finally letting me share my thoughts with you. I really needed this after bottling them up for so many years.”

A small smile curls around Nam-gyu’s lips. “Y-yeah, I— it’s okay. I think we both needed this.”

Thanos hesitates for another second, but then he adds softly, “And, uh— just in case things don’t work out between you and Dae-ho… You know where to find me.”

Then—

Silence.

Nam-gyu doesn’t say anything in return. He swallows, nods almost imperceptibly, his hands trembling slightly. Then, he turns back to the door and mutters,

“Take care, Su-bong.”

He disappears before Thanos can say anything else.

So, that’s really it, then. Nam-gyu lives his life, Thanos lives his. He won’t see Nam-gyu ever again. The only thing left of him is the faint sting of their kiss and the fleeting warmth clinging to his jacket. But even that will fade eventually.

Thanos isn’t sure if he’s ready to face the life ahead of him, a life without Nam-gyu. But if Nam-gyu can find his happiness without him, then maybe he can, too.

And, who knows? Maybe one day, they’ll actually find back to each other. They seem to have some kind of incomprehensible, fucked up bond that always pulls them together in some way.

And, well—if not in this life, then maybe in the next.

The thought plants a small, contented smile on his face, and for the first time that evening, it doesn’t entirely feel like he’s lost something.