Chapter Text
𝕸𝖊𝖌𝖚𝖒𝖎
As soon as the door to his dorm falls shut behind him, Megumi lets his mask drop. The most kindhearted person he knew just got his heart ripped out. And that’s how he feels, too.
It’s not like he’s known him for very long, but Yuuji already has carved himself a place in his heart, and now there’s.. just void.
“Live a long life”, he said at last, but what should he even live for? To save others? To be just another burden? Does he even make a difference?
The silence in the room is deafening. Even the cicadas outside seem to sleep. He makes his way to his bed and collapses, the usually soft and feathery pillows not offering much comfort. The headache and the searing pain along his spine are making him dizzy, but he doesn’t really mind. He should probably see Shoko, but the teacher is busy right now, and exhaustion is clawing at his consciousness anyway.
When he closes his eyes, some dark part in his brain hopes they will never open again.
But instead, Megumi finds himself reliving today’s moments again and again. The tear of skin and bone when Sukuna ripped Yuuji’s heart out, his reassuring smile, the trickling of blood onto the pavement, his white demon dog crushed into the wall, Yuuji’s hand cut off, his still-beating heart in those reckless hands-
“It’s ok, Fushiguro.”
No, it’s not. He ran away like a coward and left him with a special grade. And Yuuji sacrificed himself for him. It should’ve been him, not Yuuji.
“So why did you bother saving me then?”
It wasn’t a rational decision, but it was the right one. People like Yuuji do good and save others, regardless of their deeds. People like him bring laughter and sunshine, not shadows and burdens. He should live, because other people need him.
The scenes play on repeat in his head, relishing in the last moments with him, trying to find something wrong, something that indicates that this horror didn’t happen. He replays all the possible ways how he could’ve made it better, how he’d make sure both Nobara and Yuji stay alive. Yet all it does is worsen the dull pain between his brows and the heartache in his chest.
Something is missing. Someone is missing.
He stares at the blank, white ceiling. Hazel-brown eyes stare back. The whispers of the night form the melody of bubbling laughter, or gut-wrenching screams. The cushions beneath him seem to have the texture of his hoodie. But the warmth is missing. There’s only the biting cold clawing up his neck, leaving him shivering. He doesn’t pull the blanket up.
☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽
The first thought Megumi wakes up to is of cherry-blossom colored hair, partly stained blood red and gentle, unwavering brown eyes, paired with a sad but brave smile.
His head is still throbbing and his limbs are heavy as he drags himself out of bed, but he eventually manages. Not really knowing what to do with himself, he skips breakfast to avoid social contact and heads to one of the vending machines to buy himself his daily coffee. It does little to wake him up after his sleepless night. After half an hour of aimlessly walking around the campus, Nobara finds him on the stairs leading back to his room.
She looks equally as tired and sore as he is, her hair messy and uniform a little crumpled.
“Hey Fushiguro. Also couldn’t sleep?”, she mutters under her breath, letting herself sink onto the stairs.
“Yeah, no, couldn’t rest either.”, letting himself drop beside her.
“Have you ever.. lost someone? Like.. from your class?”
“No, first time.”
The cypress trees rustle in the wind, the air is hot and moisty. The weather doesn't fit the mood. The sun is too bright and aggressive on Megumi’s eyes. Some birds glide effortlessly through the warm breeze, on the lookout for food. Yuuji would’ve loved this weather.
“You seem pretty calm for losing someone like that the first time.” Megumi blinks at the words, trying hard not to lose his composure.
“You, too.”
“Of course, I’ve only known him for like two weeks! As if I would cry because some guy I barely knew died!” Her voice cracks at that, and she tries to suppress her sobs with her hand clasped over her mouth. Megumi feels like he isn’t even able to cry. He can’t remember the last time he did.
“It’s really hot, huh?” “Time for the summer uniforms!” Internally, Megumi sighs. He wanted to avoid the second years, at least for today.
“How you looking even more miserable than usual, Megumi? Did somebody die?” Maki shouts in a teasing tone. Megumi gets the sudden urge to strangle her. “Zenin…”, he grumbles. “Don’t call me by my last name!” “Maki.”
“Maki! Somebody really did die yesterday! A first grade!”, Panda points out, though he’s standing behind a large tree trunk with Toge, watching from a safe distance. Which is very much needed as Maki raises her voice and rambles about why they didn’t tell her sooner, and that’s when Megumi zones out.
It’s odd, because he’s only known Yuuji for 2 weeks, and yet, he doesn’t know how to continue without him. He already imagined how they’d all spend the summer together, how they’d go on missions, accompany Nobara on her shopping trips and try new restaurants in the city. It’s not that he’d loved to do that kind of stuff beforehand, but with Yuuji and Nobara, he could’ve gotten used to it. He could’ve pretended that he doesn’t like it, but secretly enjoyed their company, chuckled at Yuuji’s stupid jokes and Nobara’s witty comebacks. It would’ve been so easy.
He clenches his hands into fists, his fingernails digging half moon-shaped dents into pale flesh. Live a long life, he said, and it could’ve been 5 seconds or 100 years ago. How should he even survive the next week? It’s like he’s been walking in the dark since he’s able to think, and now that he finally found a sliver of light, it dies before he could reach for it.
The sun blazes way too hot for Megumi’s liking. There is not even one cloud to cover the blinding rays shining down. He averts his gaze, looking down at his feet. He just wants the sun to set.
“I know you’re in mourning right now, but would you consider participating at the exchange event with Kyoto?”, Panda asks very carefully, shifting his feet. “The idiots in third year got suspended, so you need to come.” Maki lets it sound like the partake isn’t even open for discussion.
Megumi considers it. The exchange event is a good practice, especially to gain experience and get stronger. Yuuji would’ve wanted this. Yuuji wanted to get stronger.
He might as well just do that. Take the challenge and get on with it. For Yuji.
“I’m in.”, he simply says, his voice more stable than he thought. “Me too.” Nobara throws him a glance he can’t decipher and forces a smile, but Megumi doesn’t bother.
“But if the training or the event turns out to be a disaster, I’m out”, she adds. Megumi only nods at that. He doesn’t want to attend some lame event and face strangers just to get nothing out of it.
“Then it’s settled. That’s the right amount of bravery we need!”, Panda says enthusiastically.
“Bonito flakes”, Toge replies.
“Then get off your asses, we have a lot of training to do.” Maki points her naginata first at Megumi, then Nobara and motions at them to get up.
Megumi sighs, his limbs still screaming from yesterday. Actually, if it were fully up to him, he’d be in bed right now. But he’d just stare at the ceiling fan for hours anyway, and this is a distraction from his spiralling thoughts, so it’s probably better this way.
He trails behind the group, trying to distract himself with something that doesn‘t remind him of the happenings of yesterday. Which is basically impossible, because no matter how hard he tries, his thoughts stray back to the pink-haired boy.
If Kugisaki’s as affected as he is, she’s putting on a real good show. She’s already bombarding Maki with questions about the exchange event and seems quite invested in conversation. He wonders where she gets the energy from.
They make their path through the green campus to the training field. In the middle of June, the trees in the gardens are a lushious green, the bamboo growing taller, towering a fair height above their heads. The cherry trees provide some cool shade, some birds hiding in the dense branches.
Their steps sound dull against the warmed pavement, creating a chaotic rhythm. Megumi fidgets with a loose thread at his uniform, completely elsewhere as they reach the field.
☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽
“Megumi, what the hell are you doing? I don’t remember you being this bad.” Maki knocks him down for what must be the sixth time, and Megumi still hasn’t landed one decent punch. “Just shut up already, ok? I’m not in the mood.” He gets up again, walking to benches at the edge of the field. “You can spar with Nobara or something. I need a break.”, he says over his shoulder.
Nobara’s waiting at the benches, toying with an empty plastic water bottle when he arrives. “Wow Fushiguro, what a performance you put up there. You gave up just now?” “I… need to rest. You should go next, Maki’s waiting.” At that, her eyes light up. “She wants to spar with me? I won‘t let her wait.“ She fixes her uniform and hurries across the field, to the place where Megumi stood. Eager, Megumi thinks. He grabs a water bottle and absent-mindedly watches Panda chasing Toge across the field, while Nobara gets absolutely humbled by Maki.
The early afternoon breeze cools his skin, a light sweat sheen covering his skin. The sun isn’t as harsh as it was a few hours before, or maybe it’s just the cooling wind. Anyway, it’s a lot more bearable than before.
He zones out and the minutes pass by slowly, but eventually, the group gets tired and returns to the little school cafeteria. Especially Megumi should be quite hungry after not having eaten all day, but he doesn’t have an appetite. Instead, he stares at his ginger fried rice for a bit too long and eats very slowly. Nobara seems to notice, but doesn’t comment about it. She already integrated herself almost seamlessly into the group, talking about everything under the sun.
Just as Megumi takes his last bite, Nobara cuts in.
“We still have some rice left, right? Megumi hasn’t eaten anything besides that all day.”
“No, it’s fine, I’m good.”, he quickly declines. “Gojo will probably want some too. Where is he, anyway?”
“Perhaps on a mission. Or in the city, hoovering some sugar-glazed donuts or some shit. I haven’t seen him all day.”, Maki counters.
“Salmon.”, Toge agrees.
“I want some more. Rice, I mean.”, Panda says as he gets up from his stool and walks over to the kitchen counter. “You too, Toge?”
“Bonito flakes.”
“Hey, Maki”, Nobara chimes in, “where did you learn to fight like that? I’ve never seen someone land attacks like you do…”
Maki clears her throat first: “I’m self-taught, actually.”, she answers cooly.
“No way! I-I mean... wow… because you fight like, really well…”, Nobara stutters. “Could you, like, teach me or something?”
“I mean, yeah, either way, we're going to train some more anyways, now with the upcoming exchange event. But you, Megumi, need some training too, or else we will literally lose because of some stupid mistake of yours, and then-”
“I get it, ok? No need to spell it out.”, he mumbles, fidgeting with his fingers again.
“I’m sorry, but I’m just saying that you dodged barely any attack and I’m just worried-”
“Just leave it for today, Zenin. I’m tired.” With that, he gets up too and strides towards the door. The others, knowing when to retort, let him leave. Now that he’s alone again, the buzz of random conversation and outside noise dissipates and the thoughts in his head form clear shape and color again. Usually, he craves being alone, but right now, everything in his body screams at him to be distracted by random chattering again.
In his room, it’s even quieter. The walls even seem to soak up every sound. He used to hear Yuuji’s occasional laughter through the walls. Megumi changes into some more loose-fitting, comfortable clothes after quickly showering and settles on his bed with a true-crime thriller book.
The sun hasn’t even set yet, more than enough daylight still streaming in through the shutters, so he doesn’t need so much as a reading light. But as he’s skimming through the pages, he can’t focus on the words written. Instead, his mind drifts off to blood stained skin and cruel, manic laughter, an open, gaping chest wound and so much pain-
The cold creeps him up again. Goosebumps rising up, at his neck, his arms, his shins. His whole body begins to shiver and a dull ache blooms behind his eyes. He’d think this was the flu, but he knows better.
That's how he spends the night. Twisting and turning in the sheets, like he’s not able to find a comfortable position. He lies wide awake half the night, and when he sleeps, he’s plagued by the same nightmare over and over again. He wakes up, his heart pulsating at high speed and he’s barely able to calm it down.
He’s still staring at the ceiling in the early morning hours, when the sun hasn’t risen yet. Right now, he has put on some music for his brain to shut up, which is working only semi-good, but it’s something to hold on to.
Suddenly, he hears faint footsteps passing by his door, which is odd, especially in the middle of night. He jolts out of his dizzy haze and pauses the low hum of music, focusing on the sounds of the stranger outside his room.
Expect, he quickly suspects it's no stranger. These long, striding steps can only belong to one specific, white haired sorcerer.
The intruder enters the room furthest down the hall, which is right next to Megumi’s. It’s Yuuji’s room. Or better, was. What the hell is he doing there in the middle of night, and what did he do the whole day before?
If Megumi wasn’t completely certain it was Gojo before, he now undoubtedly is, after he hears a loud thud and a hissed “Fuck!” right after. He seems to search for something, as far as Megumi can tell by the rumbles of the drawers and frustrated sighs.
Megumi contemplates getting up to ask what the fuck he’s doing in Yuuji's room at fucking 2am, but when he tries, his body grants him no favor and so he reconsiders. When Gojo seemingly finds what he was looking for, he exits as quickly as he came and stalks down the hall, trying not to make anymore noise. But it’s not necessary, since Megumi’s already heard him. Why does he enter Yuuji’s room when everyone’s supposed to be asleep, as soundless as possible?
It’s too much for Megumi’s brain to understand, he’ll postpone his brooding to tomorrow, when the sun’s up again, not when the weight of this room pushes in on him and makes him feel small and trapped.
☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽
The next day creeps in, and Megumi's head is full of questions. Everything is tangled and it’s hard to form a clear thought. But there’s definitely one thing he wants finish. He skips breakfast again and heads out with an empty stomach. The streets are busy, the usual morning traffic and he gets in line at the familiar little coffee shop in the same neighborhood and orders a black coffee. The bitter taste he grew so accustomed to wakes him up just enough, but doesn't erase the dark rings under his eyes.
He heads to the next train station and is soon pissed off by all the businessmen and women hurrying around; constantly distracted by their phone, not watching where they’re going. Catching a train just barely, he gets on and lets his thoughts drift while the outside world rushes past.
This is the least he could do, but Yuuji would’ve done everything. The selflessness and empathy of this boy couldn’t be surpassed. When they found the body of one of the remaining juveniles, Yuuji wanted to take it with him, just so the mother could accept her son’s death.
They couldn’t possibly escape with a heavy body, that much was obvious, so Megumi ripped off the name tag of the juvenile’s suit. Back then, he did it for Yuuji and Yuuji only. But now, he’s mad. Yuuji’s death was so unnecessary. They couldn’t save anyone, they were all already dead when they arrived, and they were all criminals anyway and Yuuji just died sacrificing himself for…
Him. That’s why he’s doing this. For Yuuji, because Yuuji would’ve done this.
Arriving at the front door, he knocks thrice and waits. He’s not really nervous, just tense. When the door opens, the same woman he saw two days ago looks at him with questioning eyes.
“Can I help you with something?”, she asks hesitantly.
“No, but… it’s about your son, Tadashi Okazaki. He’s… My apologies, but we were not able to save him. He was, unfortunately, already dead when we arrived. My … friend desperately wanted to rescue his body, but we couldn’t. Here, take this, it’s his name tag. I’m very sorry.” He hands over the frayed piece of polyester suit and bows as deep as he can, because even though he doesn’t really care about a dead criminal, he feels bad for the worrying mother.
The mother’s stoic face expression eventually slips and she starts weeping, her lips and hands starkly trembling as she falls to her knees.
Megumi thought he’s already seen everything and nothing can really surprise and harm him no more, but a mother crying over her dead son right in front of him is something different. The woman shows so much emotion, lets it all out. He always saw it as a flaw, but right now, it seems so natural and human.
“It’s ok, no one except me will mourn him anyway…”, she says in a broken and breathy voice.
It's ok, Fushiguro.
“I’m sorry. Please forgive us.”
“No, don’t apologize. I’m thanking you for trying and telling me.”, she mumbles, tears still streaming down her cheeks into her mouth.
“Of course.”
When he leaves the small apartment again,he can’t tell if he’s relieved or more burdened than he was before. But now that this is off his chest, he can focus on getting stronger. He definitely needs some training before the exchange event, and he should try to tame some shikigami if he wants to have a chance.
Still, his grief for the rose-haired boy is heavily nagging at him, chipping away his energy. Shit, he’s only known him for two weeks and it’s affecting him much? He shouldn’t get so attached to people. It’s not convenient and only causes him pain.
☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽ ☽
“There you are, Megumi. You’re late.”, Maki greets.
“Kelp.”, Inumaki nods his head in acknowledgement.
“Where have you been this whole morning?”, Maki asks, her voice flat.
“What does it matter to you, Zenin?” Megumi’s in no mood to answer those questions today, bringing back memories he’s trying to bury. Also, apologizing to that mother is something he’s done in place of Yuji, to honor him. It feels kind of intimate and out of character for him, showing so much empathy, that’s why he won’t tell anyone.
“It’s still just ‘Maki’”, Maki hisses. “Call me that one more time, and you’ll get to know me differently.”
Megumi ignores the implied threat.
“What kind of… people do you want to save?”, he asks cautiously.
“Why would I care if my actions save anyone at all?”, Maki responds stupidly.
Megumi sighs. One time, he’s trying to make serious conversation, and Maki immediately ruins it.
“I knew I shouldn’t have asked you. Forget it.”
On the field, Panda is chasing not Inumaki, but Nobara this time. She’s yelling loudly as she’s thrown around while Panda looks like he’s having all the fun.
“Here Megumi, try this one!”, Maki suddenly says. She wields a simple spear without the pointed edge.
But just when she was about to throw it, his shadows wallow and tug at something and he gets a strange feeling in his gut.
Yuuji. He just said his name.
It’s as if the shadows just reported to him. He should go investigate, because that never happened. It’s ringing in his ears, on repeat like a broken disc, Megumi’s name from Yuuji’s lips. He must’ve said it, anywhere, remembering him-
Get a grip, Megumi. He’s dead and gone, and now he’s hallucinating some bullshit that never happened; probably because of his sleeplessness. And the odd gut feeling can surely be blamed on the lack of food in the last two days.
Surely, that must be it.
“Oi Megumi. You good?”, Maki cuts in.
“I’m irritated all of a sudden.”
“What? Because of me?”
“No, not you.”
“Well, then cut the crap and focus. We have only one and a half months left till the event. Take this.” She throws him her long stick, made of smooth wood. “Let’s see if you’re in a better form than yesterday.”, she challenges.
Yes, he can do that. Lose himself in battling and fighting all day till the pain fades. But, strangely, there’s this flicker of hope now, nestled in his guts. He pretends he doesn’t know where it comes from, but deep down, he anticipates that what he just heard isn’t just in his head.
When everyone is exhausted and he feels like he is about to pass out, they head back to the common room and order takeout - pizza, today. Megumi shares one with Toge, Nobara one with Maki and Panda gets his own.
That is, until Gojo strolls in.
“Good morning! - or evening, whatever… Did you miss me? Still all alive I see. Something exciting happened when I wasn’t there?”, he greets.
“There he is. Nah, everything as usual. Where have you been the last few days?”, Maki questions while munching on a bite of pizza.
“Been on a mission. Some special grades, nothing special.”, he answers simply.
“Wait, where? What did you fight?” Nobara follows up.
“Err.. in Nagano, somewhere. Some snake-ish curse. Wasn’t pleasant.”
Now Megumi’s confused. Wasn’t he in Yuuji’s room last night? Wasn’t he searching for something when the sun was down, trying to be sneaky? Megumi’s fairly sure he didn’t hallucinate that.
“Megumi, looking grumpy as usual. You doing okay?” His tone is playful as always, but underlined with worry.
Something is up with him. He can’t tell what, but he’s hiding something. Megumi looks up at him, still chewing the pizza crusts Toge didn’t want.
“I’m fine.”, he plainly states, though he knows it’s not the truth, he certainly doesn’t want to draw attention to himself, and he also doesn’t want Gojo to worry.
Gojo dips his head in a way that says We’ll talk later and acts again like he usually does. He steals a slice of pizza and earns some protest from Nobara before he sits down and talks about the upcoming Kyoto Goodwill event and how it’s going to run down.
Megumi only half-listens again, trapped in his own head. He only jolts out of it when Maki mentions his name.
“-Fushiguro can lend you his demon dog, and then can split up, alright?”
He just nods, not really knowing what he’s agreeing to. He pretends he’s busy eating, though he’s just scrambling together some crumbs.
While Maki is talking, Nobara intently watches her, resting her head on her hands, slightly tilting it. She even abandoned her pizza, which Gojo seems to appreciate. Megumi only fidgets with his fingers now, trying some new hand signs for his shadow technique.
Some time passes, the sun and the moon rises over the horizon. The soft, warm evening light is replaced by cool-toned luminescence and lurking shadows. The air temperature noticeably falls by a few degrees and clears his hazy brain.
It still hurts to think about Yuuji, so he’s trying to avoid it. But at the same time, he thinks Yuuji should be honored and mourned, and seemingly, he’s the only one who does. He wasn’t even shortly mentioned this whole evening, as if he was never even there in the first place. Sometimes, jujutsu sorcerers are way more cold and heartless than he thought they’d be. But what did he expect? Usually, he is the one who doesn’t waste a care in the world about some random person dying. What changed?
Just after he dismissed himself from dinner and put on comfortable clothes, he hears faint, striding footsteps and a knock on his door. He knows who to await.
“Hey Megumi, just checking in. You have a minute?”
Megumi stares up at the white-haired teacher with tired eyes. Knowing he won’t go away, he wordlessly lets him in.
“Wow, it’s a little chaotic in here… for your standards, I mean. Did some bomb go off in here? Or some weird curse dwelling in your room?”
“Gojo. Not the time.”
“Okay, okay. Well… how are you?”
Megumi looks at him dumbfounded. “We doing small talk now, huh?”
“No, because I know you lied at dinner. And I wanted to know how you’re really doing.”
“I’m fine, as I said.”
“You don’t look fine. You have some dark eyebags and you look like shit. No offense.”
“Well thanks. I’m having trouble sleeping.”
“Oh really? Didn’t think of that.”
Megumi cannot laugh at his stupid sarcasm. He just wants to roll up in his bed and sleep and kill time till the next morning. He socialized more than enough today.
“Megumi, I’m sorry. I’m mad too. I get it, I know what it’s like to lose somebody, you know…It’s hard, I know, but eventually you get over it and you still have Nobara and the others to hang around-”
“Yeah, spare me that talk. Just leave it. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m just worried about you, but hang in there. It’ll be better soon, promise. I’m probably not the best with feelings, but you can come to me and yap my ear off or something if you need to.”
“Promise? How are you so sure?”
“Well… just wait. Trust me.”
“What are you implying, Gojo? What is up with you anyway?”
“Huh? Nothing. It’s late. Long journey, long day, you know?
Megumi narrows his eyes. It’s obvious that he’s trying to talk himself out of something. “Uh-huh.”
“Well, you know where to find me. Get some sleep, Megumi. You need it.”
“Night.”
With that, he’s out the door and gone and leaves Megumi finally alone. He sits down on his bed and stares out the window, at the night sky. He has never told anyone, but he’s actually interested in astronomy. It feels good knowing that this cruel earth isn’t the only planet out there and all these problems and catastrophes are just so little. Maybe, in another universe, life is fair and worth living. Must be a very distant universe.
The last sunlight reaches over the horizon, tinting the sky not pitch black, but a very dark blue, like the deep sea. He admires the spectacular view, stars glittering in the distance. Only very few clouds cloud the sky, offering an almost clear view. He wanted to stargaze with Yuuji one day.
When midnight breaks, the tiny white dots shine even brighter than before. He can even spot some traces of the Milky Way, even with the stark light pollution of Tokyo. He suddenly notices that he is heavily shivering, even though it’s a summer night. It must’ve cooled down quickly. He lacks warmth.
The blanket isn’t helping. He’s still trembling under the thin summer sheets. His pillow smells like dried tears, though he doesn’t remember crying. He doesn’t do that. He never does. He never-
A single tear rolls down his cheek.
He touches it in disbelief. It’s oddly cold and runs dry. He stares at its traces for a long minute, when another one follows. And another. He draws his knees to his chest and trembles uncontrollably. The tears don’t stop, as they waited years for release. He craves comfort, warmth, Yuuji.
Then he gets an idea. He shouldn’t do it. But he can’t resist.
He gets up on weak legs and walks along the hall, to Yuuji’s room. He takes a deep breath, and enters. Everything in here feels so… Yuuji. In the dark, he steps to the closet and pulls out a random hoodie. In the light, he assumes it’s a bright red. And it smells exactly like Yuuji, exactly like he remembers: soft vanilla, musky and a hint of his lemon bodywash.
Satisfied, he pulls it over his loose shirt and returns to his bed. The pillow is still tear-stained, the sheets cold, but he is warmer. He nuzzles into the hoodie and he feels his pulse lowering. The tears dissolve and the trembling ceases when warmth finally creeps in and a calming haze settles over him.
When darkness washes over him, he can finally rest. He hasn’t rested in so long.