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“It’s so unfair.”
“I’ll go there on the weekend.”
“Have you bought that dress yet?”
The chatter around Baekhyun sounded familiar – it was the same every morning when he took the train to work. All the conversations he listened in on were similar; always dull and trivial.
He listened to a snippet here, a few sentences there, and briefly wondered about the context.
Had that person been treated unfairly by their boss? Was the man in the dark suit with the uncombed hair visiting family on the weekend? Would the high school girls go to a party?
It was none of his business, and certainly not even interesting for him, and yet Baekhyun listened in on those conversations every morning.
“I just don’t get why he could leave like that?”
Baekhyun briefly froze – as much as you can freeze when you’re sitting still anyway – and held his breath.
He turned his head slightly, looking out the window, the architecture of the city rushing by in grey and brownish colours.
The woman quietly kept on whining to her friend, and Baekhyun tried not to listen.
Instead, he inhaled on air that felt stuffy and thin, making him feel even more empty than he did before. Where oxygen should bring new energy and vigor, only a familiar emptiness expanded, leaving behind a constant, dull throbbing that Baekhyun had become so accustomed to over the past five years.
Baekhyun knew why he had left.
+++
It wasn’t like Baekhyun believed in fate.
He had always belonged to the group of people who believed that you were the only one to determine your own luck and happiness, fortune and failures. It were decisions that lead to whichever outcomes, and those decisions were made by him, no one else.
Looking back, though, he couldn’t find another word for it, because even though they had broken up, Chanyeol had somehow never really left Baekhyun’s life.
In some twisted, fateful ways, he always found a way back into Baekhyun’s mind or sneak back into Baekhyun’s heart.
The first time it happened was a year after the break-up. It would have been a lie to say that Baekhyun had been over it at that point, but in some ways, he had made his peace.
He wasn’t much of a cook, but sometimes, it was a way to relax and ease his mind. His skills were limited, though, so for anything that wasn’t instant ramyeon, he needed instructions or a recipe.
When he found the recipe he was looking for, though, his heart stumbled, its quiet rhythm losing its pace. There were notes next to the list of ingredients. They were scribbled hastily, but yet, they were clear enough for Baekhyun to read them – just some simple changes of the amount of oil, or the ratio between peppers and carrots.
Cucumbers were crossed out and courgettes were added in handwriting.
Baekhyun stared at it for a moment, then he slowly turned the pages, until he found another one that had been altered. Little add-ons, small changes to accommodate Baekhyun’s taste.
He hadn’t known. Had not been aware of how much thought Chanyeol had put into a simple thing like cooking for Baekhyun. It wasn’t like Baekhyun wasn’t used to picking cucumbers out of his food or simply deciding on dishes that didn’t even have ingredients he didn’t like in them. He wasn’t a child, after all.
Yet, Chanyeol had always considered him and his needs.
Biting his bottom lip, Baekhyun closed the book, not feeling all that hungry anymore. He carefully slid the book back into the gap it had occupied on his shelf for the past year; his fingers lingering for a moment too long.
He never took that book from the shelf again after that.
+++
When two lives had been so closely intertwined as theirs had been, it was bound to happen again.
They had been together for eight years, so of course there would be traces of each other for a while to find. You didn’t just erase eight years within a day, by breaking up one chilly night in July. They had lived together for four years, and they had loved each other for twice that time – of course, Chanyeol was weaved into every possible aspect of Baekhyun’s life.
Removing him was as much of a gradual process as their break-up had been.
Baekhyun hadn’t even seen it coming then, but looking back at it now, there had been signs. So many signs. That he hadn’t noticed was truly a testament to how little he had deserved Chanyeol in the first place.
If Baekhyun had deserved Chanyeol, and everything that came with being loved by him, he would have realised that Chanyeol had dreamed so much bigger and had needed so much more than what they had built together. Baekhyun should have been more attentive – then he would have seen what he held in his hands now, much, much sooner.
New Years was just around the corner – his second one without Chanyeol – and Baekhyun had dug up old boxes from the back of his wardrobe where he was sure he had some seasonal cards stacked.
One of the boxes held souvenirs from a past life, though. There were photos, showing them from what felt like ages ago; younger versions of him and Chanyeol. Some of the photos showed them together, some only Chanyeol, some only Baekhyun. All of them displayed a life that Baekhyun had left behind, though, even if he remembered each and every moment that had been captured.
There was a photo of them, Chanyeol’s arms loosely wound around Baekhyun’s waist from behind, his chin resting on Baekhyun’s shoulder while they both beamed with their brightest smiles. It had been taken when they had been together for two years – but they had still been in love the same way they had been on the first day. If not even more.
His heart ached to feel that kind of happiness again.
Between a bunch of photos, there was a brochure for a musical school in Tokyo. Kitamura was written at the top in bold, orange letters. The building was shown beneath, a few students photoshopped in front of it, looking happy and content with their instruments.
Baekhyun opened it and briefly skimmed the info text about the school’s programme and offers. All of it was exactly what Chanyeol had always dreamed of, and had always wanted to pursue.
It didn’t come as a surprise that Chanyeol had wanted to enroll in that kind of school.
Three years of basic education. Accommodation offered at school dorms.
It was the only line Chanyeol had marked. He had underlined it three times, and one word was written next to it.
Baekhyun.
With a sigh, Baekhyun lowered the brochure.
It had been everything Chanyeol had ever wanted from an education, but he had also known that moving to Tokyo was going to mean they’d have to be separated and attempt a long-distance relationship. At least that was what Chanyeol had proposed when he had finally told Baekhyun about his plan.
His name was staring at Baekhyun in a terrifying boldness; Chanyeol’s handwriting neat and clear. It had only needed that one word, just Baekhyun’s name, to convey all of the doubts and concerns Chanyeol had held in his heart. Even if Chanyeol had been sure about his dream and what he wanted, he had not wanted to let it get in the way of their love.
It had been Baekhyun who hadn’t seen any of it coming. He had been blind to all of it.
And with that, he had been the one to betray their love.
+++
“Highball?”
Kyungsoo shrugged, sipping from his drink. “It’s my favourite.”
Baekhyun managed a small smile, refilling his soju glass. “I know.”
Of course he knew. How could Baekhyun forget when it had always been Chanyeol’s favourite as well? While Baekhyun had always found it slightly too sweet, Chanyeol had appreciated the mix of sweet and bitter it brought.
“It’s like getting drunk on you,” Chanyeol had said once, his eyes glassy and his speech slurred after a long night out with friends. “It’s complex, and expensive. Its sweetness disguises how strong it actually is, which makes one underestimate it. And its colour…” He had sighed dreamily while snuggling into Baekhyun’s hold in the backseat of the taxi. “When the sun shines bright and the light gets caught in your eyes. It’s exactly that colour.”
While Baekhyun had laughed, he had also been endeared by how poetic Chanyeol managed to be even when he was completely sloshed.
Looking at the liquid moving in Kyungsoo’s glass, Baekhyun wondered if Chanyeol still drank Highballs, and if he still felt like getting drunk on Baekhyun when he did.
“Did you buy anything for Jongdae’s birthday yet?” he asked to distract himself from his thoughts.
Kyungsoo nodded. “I got him some expensive Brazilian coffee beans.”
“He'll love that.” Baekhyun pressed his lips, trying to figure out what he could buy.
“Reminds me.” Kyungsoo set his glass down. “I won't be here for Jongdae’s birthday. I'll go to Tokyo that week.”
Baekhyun blinked at him. “Tokyo?”
“You probably figured it out already. I'll visit Chanyeol.” Looking like he was walking on eggshells, Kyungsoo tilted his head, eyes firmly set on Baekhyun. “He's graduating in September.”
Baekhyun's heart skipped a beat. “Ah,” he replied, unsure what to say.
Did he plan to stay longer? Was there anything keeping Chanyeol in Tokyo afterwards? Did he meet someone, whom he'd stay in Tokyo for? Would he come back to Seoul?
Did he ever ask about Baekhyun?
None of the things that crossed his mind were appropriate to ask.
“He's invited me to come to the graduation ceremony.” Kyungsoo crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“Just you?” Baekhyun wanted to know.
“Sehun and Minseok, actually. I think his family will be there, too.”
Baekhyun hummed.
“You never ask me about him,” Kyungsoo said, frowning slightly. “In all these years, you've known I kept in contact with him, yet you never once asked.”
“What am I supposed to ask?” Baekhyun smiled ruefully. “We broke up.”
Kyungsoo didn't look convinced, but he didn't probe any further. Instead, he sighed quietly. “Anyway. I'll go to visit him, because he decided to stay in Tokyo.”
Baekhyun's heart skipped another beat, not falling back into its usual rhythm afterwards.
He hadn’t seen Chanyeol in over three years, and yet, somehow, that sentence made Baekhyun’s world tilt on its axis. It was as if, deep down, beneath all the acts of indifference and complacency he had always thought that someday, Chanyeol would be back, and once he’d be back —
What then?
Baekhyun drank his soju, trying to will his heartbeat back into its usual rhythm. Whatever that rhythm even was.
It had lost its rhythm before, the day they had broken up. Two hearts beating as one had held some truth when he and Chanyeol had been together, so it had felt like losing part of his heart when Chanyeol had left.
It wasn’t like his heart had ever found back to its rhythm after that, anyway.
The realisation that Chanyeol had moved on and had built a life without Baekhyun, had found happiness far away, stung more than Baekhyun was ready to admit. Baekhyun wasn't sure if it was worse than three years ago, but it definitely got to his heart just the same.
Knocking back another Soju shot, Baekhyun tried to drown his bitter feelings in the stark bitterness of the alcohol. They blended together, deluding Baekhyun into believing he turned numb to the pain.
Of course Chanyeol was going to stay in Tokyo. He had probably found friends there – Chanyeol easily made friends everywhere. Maybe he had found even more than that in Tokyo.
What reason did he have to come back?
+++
Rain was falling and Baekhyun’s shoes were already drenched. The prospect of having to walk another ten minutes until he’d be home was dampening his mood even further, but he didn’t have any other choice but to move forwards.
Water was dripping from his hair, his face was wet and he shivered terribly. His hands felt numb from the cold, so Baekhyun buried them deeper in the pockets of his drenched coat.
It was then that the door to a ramen restaurant opened when two customers left and music briefly drowned the sound of the heavy rain hitting the roofs and streets. Just a few chords could be heard, then the door closed again and only the sound of the rain remained. A woman passed by, talking on the phone.
Baekhyun frowned, unsure he’d heard a ghost. Then again, even fifty years could go by and he’d still identify Chanyeol’s voice in a sea of voices. He’d recognise that voice anywhere and everywhere.
Apprehensively, he walked into the ramen shop and stopped at the entrance, listening to the music playing.
The song was in Japanese, so Baekhyun didn’t understand much, but he was sure it was Chanyeol’s voice. The smooth timbre, the honey baritone. The melancholy it carried.
Water dripped from his coat, pooling around his feet on the floor, as every other sound suddenly faded and just the song remained. It was sad without sounding sad. The tempo was upbeat, but there was something bittersweet in its sound. Baekhyun couldn’t put his finger on it, but it felt like beneath a cheerful facade pain and regret lingered deeply.
“For one?” a waitress asked him, pulling Baekhyun from his thoughts.
Baekyhun numbly nodded, following her. He cleared his throat when she handed him the menu, trying to look unbothered, even if his skin felt hypersensitive and his breath was stuck in his throat.
The song seemed so loud suddenly.
Zuruiyo, Baekhyun made out, as he fumbled for his mobile phone before the song ended. He opened an app to identify the song playing, his heart beating in his throat, because Baekhyun knew even without the app confirming it for him.
It was Chanyeol.
A second later, his screen showed what he was expecting. The song’s title and Chanyeol’s name. It glared at Baekhyun, as if it was mocking him.
The song slowly faded, and another started; a soulful ballad by a female singer. Baekhyun still stared at his screen, wondering what he was supposed to do now.
Chanyeol hadn’t just gone to Tokyo for an education. As he always had, he had exceeded himself and had apparently even managed to sign with a label and release his own music.
Chanyeol had made his dreams come true.
“Are you ready to order?”
Baekhyun slowly turned his head to the waitress. He randomly pointed at something on the menu, acknowledging her with a nod.
He hadn’t even taken off his wet coat. Water was seeping through the fabric, soaking his t-shirt beneath. His skin turned cold with it, but Baekhyun wasn’t sure it was just the damp clothes that made him feel cold.
Inhaling on a shaky breath, he searched the song’s lyrics.
Even if I could rewind time
I would just repeat it all over again
It’s unfair
Baekhyun blinked slowly, ignoring his prickling skin. He swallowed thickly, past the lump in his throat and read on.
Wanted to be yours one day
But once again
You don’t notice my feelings
With a frown, Baekhyun pressed his lips together.
Even if I numb this pain with someone else
I’m just going to be reminded again
It’s not fair
It wasn’t.
Baekhyun leaned back, closing his eyes. None of it had ever been fair – but he had come to realise it way too late. And now he was paying the price for it.
Even after four years, he had never got over Chanyeol. And while Baekhyun could only blame himself for the misery he was in, Chanyeol had moved on.
Even if I numb the pain with someone else
It ripped right through Baekhyun's heart. Even if he couldn’t be sure that the song had any connection to their past, that it was in any way about Baekhyun, it still felt close enough.
While Baekhyun had never managed to let go, Chanyeol had gone and found a way to get over Baekhyun. He had probably made peace with their past, all the mistakes Baekhyun had made, and had found his way to deal with it.
It was so unfair, indeed, Baekhyun thought, and pushed the wet hair from his forehead. Chanyeol had used his creativity to turn what they’d had into a rueful song about coming to terms with a relationship ending.
What was the most unfair, though, was that there was a part of Baekhyun that was relieved. Even if Chanyeol had got over it, he had at least struggled, too. And Baekhyun knew that he was unfair for feeling that way. After what he had put Chanyeol through, he hadn’t deserved to suffer for a single second – and Baekhyun certainly shouldn’t wish for Chanyeol’s unhappiness.
Knowing that it hadn’t been easy for Chanyeol, either, that he had at least suffered a little – it was a cruel thing to feel.
In the artificial light of the restaurant, quiet chatter around him, the sounds of the kitchen muffled in the background, Baekhyun realised that even years later, Chanyeol knew him too well.
Baekhyun had no right to even still feel attached to Chanyeol.
He was so, so unfair.
+++
“You’re late.”
Baekhyun panted, pressing one hand over his chest to try and catch his breath. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s your birthday present,” Sehun reminded him. “And you’re being late for it.”
“My birthday was two months ago,” Baekhyun argued as he followed Sehun out of the station.
“And I told you you’d have to wait for your present a little longer.” Sehun led the way, hands in his pockets. “It’ll be worth it, though.”
Baekhyun lifted his brows. “You still haven’t told me what it is.”
“A surprise, that’s what it is.”
With a huff, Baekhyun shook his head, trying to locate where they were headed. “Is it a restaurant? Did a new one open around here?”
Sehun clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Don’t you know what a surprise means? I’m not giving anything away.”
Crossing his arms in front of his chest, Baekhyun gave up.
It didn’t take long for them to stop in front of a small building. Sehun gestured for Baekhyun to go in first, and he gave his friend a small frown before he walked through the door.
Baekhyun found himself in a club. The lights were dimmed and people had already gathered in front of the stage. He looked around, seeing a few people get drinks at the bar, others chatting cheerfully among themselves. There was a guitar and a microphone set up on the stage.
“A concert?” Baekhyun asked, turning back to Sehun.
Sehun nodded. “I think you’ll like this one.”
At that moment, the lights turned off and only one spotlight was directed at the stage. The audience quieted down and everyone turned to the stage, clapping quietly when someone appeared from backstage.
Baekhyun’s heart stopped when he recognised Chanyeol. He looked completely different, and yet, he was still exactly the same as the person who had walked away five years ago.
While he looked much more built now, his toned arms pronounced by the black vest he wore, Chanyeol’s face was still as kind as Baekhyun remembered it to be. He smiled and waved into the crowd, looking genuinely happy.
His hair was longer than before, framing his handsome face. The big eyes shone friendly, and just like Chanyeol always had been, he was infatuating. He was tall and attractive, there was no question, but the way he eyes shone with pure innocence and happiness – Baekhyun didn’t think anyone could withstand that natural charisma.
He was still exactly the man Baekhyun had fallen in love with all those years ago.
Baekhyun’s heart threatened to beat out of his chest.
“Hiii,” Chanyeol greeted his audience while adjusting his guitar. “I’m Park Chanyeol. Thank you for coming tonight. I’m a little nervous because this is my first ever concert here.”
Baekhyun took a step back, shaking his head slightly, but Sehun grasped his hand and grounded him with one look.
“Stay,” he said lowly. “You should see him.”
Chanyeol started playing, the sound of his guitar filling up the space easily.
“I really shouldn’t.” Baekhyun looked at the stage again, his eyes roaming Chanyeol’s body. “I’ll never get over him.”
Sehun pursed his lips and nodded. “You’ll never get over him, if you stay or not.”
Turning to him, Baekhyun blinked slowly.
“It’s been five years, and you never got over him,” Sehun said. “Gotta face that truth, don’t you think?”
When Chanyeol started singing, his voice perfectly fitting the sound of his guitar, Baekhyun couldn’t help but turn back to him. Like mesmerised, his eyes were glued to Chanyeol while he performed on stage, singing something in Japanese that Baekhyun couldn’t quite grasp.
After hearing Chanyeol’s song in that ramen restaurant a year before, Baekhyun hadn’t dared listening to him again. He had had weak moments when he had looked Chanyeol up, but he had never dared listen to any of his songs or even watch any of the videos that could be found online.
He had felt like a criminal – as if he was trying the forbidden fruit.
Standing there, completely unprepared, seeing Chanyeol up on stage, hearing him sing so passionately, it was utterly overwhelming for Baekhyun and he couldn’t help the tears spring to his eyes. Chanyeol looked right in his element, right where he belonged – his eyes were shining brightly and he radiated happiness with every move he made.
The song ended, and Chanyeol let his eyes drift over the audience. “Are you excited for Taka?”
The crowd cheered loudly and clapped.
Baekhyun turned to Sehun with a frown on his face.
“He’s the opening act,” Sehun explained. “It’s not like he’s known enough to play his own concerts. Yet.”
“The next song is for all those of you who have ever gone through a break-up,” Chanyeol continued to talk. “It’s about the feeling of regret. Of knowing you let the one who was meant for you slip away. It’s unfair – this is Zuruiyo.”
Although he had only heard it once, and had only heard a part of it, Baekhyun immediately recognised the song. His heart clenched, his stomach tied itself in knots and clenched his jaw to keep the sob in that threatened to escape his throat.
Sehun simply reached out to touch his elbow, giving some quiet comfort.
Chanyeol’s words echoed in Baekhyun’s mind. The one who was meant for you.
He wasn’t sure what scared him more; the thought that Chanyeol meant him or that he could mean someone else but Baekhyun. Whichever it was, it didn’t change that it still hurt the same way as it had when Baekhyun had heard it for the first time.
Chanyeol was slightly out of breath when he finished the song, but he still radiated happiness, even if he had just sung about the saddest experience in Baekhyun’s whole life. With a sigh, he looked around and chuckled then, oblivious to Baekhyun standing just metres away from him, fighting the tears from spilling.
“Guess this one’s already the last one,” Chanyeol announced. “It’s a song for the person I love. Even if they will never hear it, I wanted to say all those things, I can’t tell them in person. That’s why this one is in Korean, too.”
He waved into the crowd and bowed slightly when he received applause and cheers. “Thank you for listening to me tonight. Have fun with Taka later. This one’s called Tomorrow.”
Baekhyun kept his eyes on him, finally understanding every word of what Chanyeol was singing, and it pierced right through his heart.
Chanyeol sang of the light, of uncertainty, of the lingering uncertainty that came with being separated from the person he loved. He had his eyes closed while singing, every tone and word carrying so much sincerity.
Baekhyun stood frozen, unable to look away.
He felt like time had stopped and at the same time it rushed by so fast he couldn’t appreciate the moment. The song was short, flowing eerily and before Baekhyun knew it, Chanyeol bowed again, thanking the audience and then he walked off stage.
Just like he had appeared out of nowhere, Chanyeol was gone again.
“I–” Baekhyun turned to Sehun, feeling desperate. It was like seeing Chanyeol had opened up a gate inside him that had been firmly closed before. But now that it had opened, his feelings poured out freely and there was no way Baekhyun could ever lock them up again.
“Come on.” Sehun took his hand and dragged Baekhyun with him.
Even if he had wanted to protest, Baekhyun didn’t have the strength to. He just blindly followed Sehun, not sure he was ready for whatever was going to come next.
Sehun stopped next to the stage and turned to one of the staff members. “Oh Sehun. Chanyeol should have told you he’s expecting a guest.”
The staff member nodded and then tilted his head, looking at Baekhyun. “Yeah. One guest, though.”
Sehun nodded. He pointed at Baekhyun. “That’s him.”
“All right. Follow me.”
Baekhyun stared at the man walking ahead. He turned to Sehun, slowly shaking his head.
“Go,” Sehun said softly and nudged him forwards.
With his mind completely empty and vast of any arguments why he really shouldn’t go there, Baekhyun followed the staff member behind the stage where he was led to a small room. The door was closed and the man briefly knocked before he turned to Baekhyun with a smile and bowed slightly.
Baekhyun watched him walk away, and he felt panic crawl up his chest when he realised that there was no going back from here. The door opened and he turned abruptly, staring right at Chanyeol.
He saw the change in Chanyeol’s eyes, the moment he recognised Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s lips fell open, but he didn’t make a sound.
For a moment, they stood like that; staring at each other. Then someone dropped some equipment behind Baekhyun and the loud crash made him shake out of his stupor. Hastily, Baekhyun took a step back, nervously touching his neck.
“Um…” He swallowed thickly, trying to find his voice. “Just wanted to say, you played well,” he managed to croak out. “And sang. Yeah. I mean. The gig was good.”
“Baekhyun.”
It just needed that. Chanyeol calmly saying his name, his voice s little cracked-up, carrying all the heavy emotion Chanyeol apparently felt just seeing Baekhyun. It was all it needed for Baekhyun to freeze again and feel like breaking down any second.
“Sehun brought me along. I didn’t know,” Baekhyun continued to stutter like a moron. “I didn’t know you’d play here tonight. I wouldn’t have come. Not that I didn’t like it. But—”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol repeated calmly. He waited for Baekhyun to look at him. “Why don’t you come in?”
Baekhyun hesitated for a second. “I shouldn’t.”
How could Chanyeol look so calm? Baekhyun wanted to scream with how painful this reunion was, and Chanyeol managed to look like it didn’t faze him one bit.
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, of course,” Chanyeol answered. “But I’d love to talk to you.”
Baekhyun felt his heart slow down and he lowered his gaze, his hand still rubbing nervously over the nape of his neck. “Okay. Yeah. Fine.”
Chanyeol took a step back and held the door for him, so Baekhyun walked past him into the small changing room. There was a table and a small sofa, water bottles on the floor. Chanyeol’s guitar stood at a wall, next to a blue backpack.
“Thank you for coming,” Chanyeol said from behind him.
Baekhyun turned and blinked at him. There he was, just like Baekhyun remembered him, and yet, so different. That was his Chanyeol in front of him, and all Baekhyun wanted was to make sure, Chanyeol was okay. If Baekhyun wasn't okay, at least Chanyeol had to be. Nothing mattered as much as Chanyeol’s happiness.
“You did so well,” Baekhyun said, as it was the first thing that came to his mind. He knew how much Chanyeol craved being praised.
Chanyeol smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. “I’m happy you liked it.”
For a moment, Baekhyun just watched him, his heart beating loudly in his ears. “I'm glad you got everything you wanted.”
Turning away, Chanyeol picked up a brown cardigan from one of the chairs. “Did I?”
That threw Baekhyun off, but he managed to stay calm and not let it show. At least he hoped so. “That's what you went to Tokyo for, wasn't it? To make music.”
“I've always wanted to make music, yeah,” Chanyeol agreed. He slid into the jacket, covering up his arms. “But it was never everything I've wanted.”
Baekhyun stayed where he was, lowering his gaze.
“Did you listen?” Chanyeol asked quietly.
Not darning to look up, Baekhyun just nodded.
For a moment, it stayed quiet between them. Baekhyun wasn’t brave enough to check what Chanyeol looked like right now. His heart was beating painfully against his ribs, making him feel dizzy.
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said again, his voice carrying so much emotion.
Biting his bottom lip, Baekhyun looked up, and he immediately found Chanyeol’s eyes.
“Did you actually listen?” Chanyeol asked again. “To what I said? To the songs?”
Baekhyun nodded minutely, unable to tear his gaze from Chanyeol’s. He breathed shallowly, trying to conceal how weak he really felt to all of this. He wanted to reach out and touch; see if Chanyeol’s hair still felt as smooth and silky as Baekhyun remembered. He wanted to trace the veins that showed on his hands, and he wanted to know if being held by Chanyeol would feel different now.
It was like those five years they hadn’t seen each other had never happened, because none of his feelings for Chanyeol had changed in the slightest. At the same time, those five years were like an unbreachable gap between them, cut open to reveal all the pain and regret that lingered.
“I did.” It was just a whisper that left Baekhyun’s lips. He didn’t trust his own voice.
Chanyeol tilted his head, his gaze turning soft. He sighed quietly and wrung his hands together. “How have you–”
“No,” Baekhyun interrupted him, shaking his head. “Don’t you dare ask me how I’ve been.”
Chanyeol blinked at him, confusion colouring his face.
“Look at me, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun put a hand over his chest. “Isn’t it obvious how I’ve been?”
Again, silence stretched and Chanyeol let his eyes roam over Baekhyun’s frame, then he pursed his lips slightly and took a step closer.
Baekhyun took a step back.
“Did you actually listen, Baekhyun?” he asked once again.
He had. Baekhyun had listened to every single word, and every bit of meaning that had lingered in between the lines. But he had also come to terms with losing Chanyeol so long ago, he didn’t dare believe any of it.
“I’ve waited for five years for you to finally show up,” Chanyeol said quietly. “I’ve waited for you to finally rest your pride and come to your senses and fight for us.”
Staring at him, Baekhyun felt all air leave his lungs.
“Are you here to do that?” Chanyeol’s voice broke there for a second, showing how tense he really was, too. “Or what did you come here for?”
Shaking his head, Baekhyun forced the tears back. “I’ve spent the past five years trying to convince myself that breaking up was the right thing to do.”
Chanyeol took another step closer, and this time, Baekhyun didn’t move. “And I spent the past five years waiting for you to realise that it wasn’t.”
Something inside him shattered, and Baekhyun fisted his hands to keep himself from actually reaching out. He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to keep up the eye contact, while Chanyeol came even closer.
“I wasn’t happy, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol admitted. “And obviously you weren’t happy, either.”
“Of course I wasn’t,” Baekhyun choked out when the first tear spilled. “And I realised that I’d done the wrong thing the moment you were gone.”
Chanyeol’s shoulders dropped. “But you never did anything about it?”
Baekhyun shrugged helplessly. “You’d left everything behind to move to Tokyo.”
“I did, but I also made it clear that I never wanted to give up on us.” Chanyeol sighed heavily. “You just had to know that I would have dropped everything to be with you.”
“I didn’t want you to drop anything for me,” Baekhyun protested and now took a step closer, too. “I didn’t want you to have to make a decision. It should have never been me versus your dream.”
He didn’t flinch back when Chanyeol reached out to brush his thumb over the tears straining Baekhyun’s cheek. Instead, Baekhyun pressed his lips together and tilted his face into the touch.
“Why wasn’t having both an option?” Chanyeol wanted to know, his voice painfully stricken. “I could have gone to Tokyo without having to give up on us.”
“I didn’t want to stand in your way.” Baekhyun inhaled deeply, crossing his arms in front of his chest, otherwise he would have fallen into Chanyeol's arms. “And I also didn't want to be the one left behind.”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol sighed affectionately. “You should have told me. It would have saved both of us so much heartbreak.”
Baekhyun didn't fight Chanyeol when he wound his arms around Baekhyun's waist and pulled him into a warm embrace. He smelled good; different than how he had used to smell. Maybe Chanyeol used another perfume now. And while he was much more built than he had been five years ago, his body still felt the same. He was so lean and firm and moulded perfectly against Baekhyun.
“Do you honestly think I would have grown tired of you?” Chanyeol murmured, hooking his chin over Baekhyun's shoulder. “Did you really believe I would have moved on from you?”
Baekhyun lifted his hands, curling his fingers into the fabric of Chanyeol's jacket. “I rather let you go than watch you outgrow me.”
That drew a small laugh from Chanyeol. He pulled Baekhyun closer, running a hand up into his hair. “You broke up with me, and yet, I didn't outgrow you in five years.”
Burying his face against Chanyeol's shoulder, Baekhyun stopped holding back. He nuzzled close, taking every bit of comfort Chanyeol offered. “I'm so sorry.”
“It's okay,” Chanyeol reassured him quietly, softly. “I could have fought you more. I shouldn't have let my pride get in the way, either.”
Baekhyun only shook his head and got to his toes to fit into Chanyeol's embrace. “I shouldn't have been that selfish. I shouldn't have let that fear get the better of me.”
Chanyeol tightened his arms around Baekhyun, his fingers curling into the stands in the nape of his neck. He sighed, his body relaxing against Baekhyun's.
“I missed you,” Baekhyun whispered, brushing his nose against Chanyeol's neck to inhale the familiar scent there. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too,” Chanyeol replied, placing a lingering kiss on Baekhyun's temple. “Every day.”
Devouring the feeling for a moment longer, Baekhyun closed his eyes, then he drew away to look at Chanyeol's face. He searched Chanyeol's eyes, relieved to see the affection glimmer in them.
“I hurt you,” Baekhyun murmured, feeling guilt wash over him. “I can't ever make up for that.”
Chanyeol framed Baekhyun's face with his hands. “You didn't just hurt me.”
“I deserve each bit of pain I inflicted upon myself.” Baekhyun tilted his head, his eyes briefly flickering to Chanyeol's lips.
“You don't, but if it makes you feel better, there's a way to make it up to me.” Chanyeol brushed his thumb over Baekhyun's cheek, and his smile finally reached his eyes. “All I want is you by my side.”
Baekhyun smiled back at him. “That's too easy. It's all I want, too.”
“If it's that easy, we should definitely take that option.” Chanyeol grinned, leaning in closer. “I think we've tried the difficult one for long enough now. I like the sound of easy.”
Humming, Baekhyun let his desire win, even if he knew that he shouldn't. There was so much to talk about, so much he still wanted to say, but every particle in his body longed to be close to Chanyeol.
Chanyeol seemed to read him like he had always used to and met him halfway, his lips gently fitting against Baekhyun's. They sighed at the same moment, which drew a giggle from Baekhuyn, then he pressed in more firmly, kissing Chanyeol in earnest.
He kissed the same. It was like Baekhyun was thrown back in time; long forgotten feelings budding inside him, reawakening from a deep slumber.
Chanyeol did what he had always done, picking Baekhyun up, lifting him off his feet and Baekhyun wound his arms around Chanyeol's neck, tilting his head to grant him better access.
When they parted, Chanyeol rested his forehead against Baekhyun's, looking into his eyes.
“It's always been only you for me,” Baekhyun whispered like it was a secret.
Chanyeol pecked his lips again. “You've always been the only one for me, too.”
They smiled at each other, before Baekhuyn leaned in again, taking another kiss. Chanyeol hummed into the kiss, contently deepening it, while he slowly guided them over to the sofa.
The gap was undeniably there, but it got smaller with each word, each kiss, each touch, and each look they exchanged. After all, the familiarity was still there, too, and had never faded.
Chanyeol's lips felt the same, the butterflies still went loose in Baekhyun's stomach when they kissed, and Chanyeol still held him the way he had used to. The look in his eyes – adoration and affection – was still the same.
From now on, Baekhyun would hold on tightly. He'd never let Chanyeol go again, no matter what, because even if he tried, his heart would always find its way back.
He'd make sure to never lose sight of Chanyeol again.
=== fin.===