Chapter Text
Sometimes that mirror rewarded Jiwoo, other times it imprisoned her. She was the only member of the group who had a full-length mirror in her room. Now she stood right in front of it, completely naked, her reflection showing something that could either be heaven or hell. The room was dimly lit, the only light coming from the bedside lamp. Jiwoo slowly ran her fingers across her face, her collarbone, the curves of her waist, and her stomach. There seemed to be a little more fat there, and just the possibility made her stomach churn. It made no sense. Sure, she had slipped from her diet a few times that week, but she had counted the calories carefully and exercised as much as possible. How could she have gained weight?
She let out a heavy sigh and squeezed her eyes shut. This couldn’t be happening again. When she decided to lose weight a few years ago, Kyujin had forbidden her from going on some crazy diet. She insisted that investing in something medium-to-long term was healthier. Jiwoo agreed, and despite her impatience, it really had worked, but now… if she was gaining weight again, what was she supposed to do? Everyone would notice, if they hadn’t already. Her arms wrapped tightly around her body. Jiwoo swallowed hard and began to feel like she was losing air.
Someone knocked twice on the door.
Jiwoo rushed to grab her robe from the bed and hurriedly put it on.
“Come in!”
“Hey, I just got back.” It was only her roommate, Yoona. She walked in calmly and carefully closed the door behind her. Once fully inside the room, she lifted one of the shopping bags she was holding toward Jiwoo. “I brought you a gift for your future room.”
Jiwoo rolled her eyes and took the bag, then sat down on the edge of her bed. Yoona would never admit it, but the idea of them sleeping in separate rooms in a few months was driving her crazy. This was already the sixth gift she had bought for Jiwoo’s future room.
“A puppy… just like the last one.”
“But this one’s a Snoopy Funko Pop.”
Yoona looked at her expectantly with an adorable smile. How could Jiwoo resist? Her unnie was so silly.
“Thank you, unnie. I’ll definitely find a great shelf for him.”
Yoona nodded and sat beside Jiwoo on the bed.
“So, did you just get out of the shower?”
She thought about the question for a moment before remembering she was wearing nothing but a robe.
“Oh, yeah… of course.”
“That’s good. Showers are relaxing. We need to save as much energy as possible for the rest of the tour and for… ham…”
“Heavy Serenade.”
“That!” Yoona snapped her fingers and smiled. “I keep forgetting the name.”
Jiwoo laughed and said:
“It’s not that hard, unnie.”
“I don’t know, I thought the name was kind of eccentric. You know how Lily-unnie and Haewon-unnie are.”
“But they weren’t the ones who chose the name.”
“Still, it totally sounds like them.”
Jiwoo laughed even harder. She wished Yoona could be more like this in front of everyone. People still hadn’t seen even half of who she really was. Jiwoo herself had barely known this side of Yoona before they became roommates. But she couldn’t lie, she also liked the idea of having a part of Yoona all to herself.
“Hmm…” Yoona grunted as she stood up. “I’m starving. I thought about ordering delivery for dinner, but money’s tight, so it’ll just be for the two of us. Don’t tell the others.”
Yoona winked, making Jiwoo smile, but when she glanced to the side she saw the mirror. Yoona’s profile was reflected in it. Probably the most beautiful image that mirror had ever reflected. Jiwoo’s heart raced. If only she could… if… hm… oh my God! That mirror was driving her insane!
Yoona looked in the same direction as Jiwoo and grew curious. What was over there? She walked toward the mirror until she stood in front of it. Placing her hands on her hips, she let out a sigh.
“I need to buy new clothes. I always wear my favorites until they fall apart. That has to change.”
Jiwoo stared at her without even blinking.
“You don’t need to worry about clothes. You’re beautiful.”
Yoona slowly turned around. Their eyes met intensely, both of them blushing, though not for the reasons each imagined.
“You’re… very kind.” Yoona cleared her throat. “So, what do you say about dinner?”
Jiwoo swallowed hard and tightened the belt of her robe.
“To be honest, I’m not hungry.”
“Are you sure?”
“…yeah…”
“I’ll do this then: I’ll order two portions and keep yours in the fridge for whenever you want to eat. Just watch out so nobody steals it, especially Jinsol.”
Jiwoo nodded with a smile.
Yoona walked over to her own bed and threw herself onto it. Jiwoo jumped in surprise, but didn’t mind. Yoona always did that and nothing ever happened. Yoona was ridiculously lazy, and her position on the bed proved it. One arm rested behind her head while the other held her phone up by her ear. One leg was bent while the other stretched out.
While she called the restaurant and waited for someone to answer, her eyes remained fixed on Jiwoo, who in turn didn’t look away either. Once someone picked up, Yoona started placing the order, but still kept watching her. That was less common than it might seem. The two of them simply stared at each other without words, smiles, or teasing. When the call ended, things became even stranger.
Neither look wavered. The same thought crossed both their minds:
She’s so beautiful.
But not with the same meaning.
Jiwoo was the first to break away. She cleared her throat, crossed her arms, and turned her head toward the mirror. She waited for Yoona to say something to break the mood, but when she didn’t, Jiwoo decided to stand up and invent some excuse to leave the room.
“I’m going to take a shower,” she whispered.
“Another one?”
Jiwoo swallowed hard, remembering the lie from earlier.
“I really need to relax.”
[...]
For the past few days, Jiwoo had been analyzing herself and was almost certain she had gained a little weight, but she wanted a second opinion. She stood in front of the full-length mirror in her room with her shirt lifted just below her chest. She tried explaining to Kyujin, who sat cross-legged on her bed, what had changed about her body. Jiwoo could see her groupmate’s expression through the reflection, but she couldn’t quite figure out what was going through her mind.
“And that’s what I noticed, see here…” She held up her shirt with one hand while bringing the other to her abdomen. “It’s softer here.”
Kyujin frowned, still trying to understand how Jiwoo had noticed something so small.
“Say something, Kyujin!”
Jiwoo turned around, letting the shirt fall back into place.
“Well… do you want my honest opinion?”
“That’s why I called you.”
“I think you should stop looking at yourself in the mirror so much, unnie.”
Jiwoo rolled her eyes and groaned, walking over to Yoona’s bed and sitting down on it. Kyujin turned to face her from the other bed.
“That doesn’t help at all. I just want you to tell me if my stomach is bigger, yes or no.”
Kyujin stood up and lifted her own shirt.
“Is mine?”
“Of course not!”
“It is!” Kyujin dropped her shirt. “You know why? Because we just had dinner. That’s what happens. Our stomachs expand. Then they go back to normal.”
Jiwoo swallowed hard.
“But that’s not what I mean, Kyujin. It’s obvious… I gained weight.”
Kyujin sighed loudly and sat back down on the edge of the bed she’d been occupying before.
“So what? All the members gain and lose weight sometimes. Actually, all human beings do.”
“You don’t understand! If I gain weight… people will comment on it… it’ll bring hate to the group again… to me… and then… then…”
“Jiwoo.” Kyujin said her name carefully. It was so difficult for her, such a rational person, to find the right words. Objectively, there was no change at all in Jiwoo’s body, but simply saying that wouldn’t be enough, and Kyujin knew it. “You’re healthy. You’ve never been healthier.”
“I couldn’t disagree more—”
“Of course you disagree, you want me to say you’re fat!” Kyujin snapped, and Jiwoo’s eyes widened. “Don’t look at me like that, unnie, that’s what you want. But I’m not going to lie, and you should stop lying to yourself too.”
Jiwoo tightened the fabric of her pants.
“I don’t need a lecture.”
“Apparently you do.” Kyujin stood with her arms crossed. “Do you want me to be completely honest?”
Jiwoo nodded, though her eyes stayed fixed on the floor.
“You’re stressed. All of us are. We have a tour to finish, an EP to release, and no guarantee everything will go well. In situations like this, you always find a reason to feel bad about yourself or blame yourself. This time isn’t any different.”
Jiwoo didn’t argue back. She knew it was true.
“Fine, Kyujin.” Jiwoo whispered, frustrated and irritated, even if she didn’t fully understand why. “Then tell me I’m beautiful and perfect.”
“And would you believe me?”
Suddenly the door opened. Yoona, Haewon, and Lily walked in laughing and talking.
“Well, well,” Haewon said, “a maknae meeting? Were you plotting against your unnies?”
Kyujin headed toward the open door and brushed past the leader’s shoulder with a bit too much force.
“Wow, it was just a joke. Such a bad mood,” Haewon said while rubbing her shoulder.
Lily was the first to notice the heavy atmosphere, so she asked:
“Jiwoo, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She tried to smile slightly. “I’ll go to the living room to give you privacy.”
“Oh, you don’t have to, we just came—”
Jiwoo shut the bedroom door before Yoona could finish. Her expression quickly fell. Lily placed a hand on Yoona’s shoulder and squeezed gently in comfort.
“Do you think she’s noticed already?” Yoona asked, still staring at the closed door. Her unnies were the only ones who knew, and they only knew because Yoona’s guilt had grown too heavy for her to keep to herself.
“Of course not!” Lily exclaimed. “Don’t take it personally. We’re all stressed right now. It definitely has nothing to do with you.”
Yoona sighed and quietly said:
“If Jiwoo finds out about my feelings for her, I swear I’ll leave the group.”
Haewon let out a small laugh and placed a hand on her other shoulder.
“If you leave the group over a simple heartbreak, prepare your coffin because you’re not getting out of here alive, Seol Yoona.”
“Haewon!” Lily scolded.
“And I’m not joking.”
Yoona rolled her eyes and stepped away, making both hands slide off her shoulders.
“Don’t worry, dear leader, Jiwoo and I won’t be the first relationship between members.”
Lily and Haewon exchanged knowing glances. Yeah, they definitely wouldn’t be the first.
“I should be ashamed of the things I feel about Jiwoo… that’s what I should be.”
“Yoona…” Lily and Haewon said in unison as they stepped closer.
“No, don’t comfort me, and don’t put your hands on my shoulders again. Let’s just do what we came here to do.”
[...]
The room was dark and silent like the rest of the dorm. But from the rhythm of their breathing, Yoona and Jiwoo both knew the person in the other bed wasn’t asleep. Ever since what happened earlier, things between them had become stranger, though as always, not for the reasons either imagined. Yoona clutched the edge of her blanket and tried to keep her eyes on the ceiling, though every now and then they drifted toward Jiwoo.
Jiwoo, meanwhile, felt those looks and tried to ignore them. Sometimes Yoona did things she couldn’t explain, so she tried to erase them from her mind. She just wanted to sleep, but sleep never came. She had shifted around in bed too much already and was almost beginning to sweat. Eventually she gave up and lay completely flat on her back. A loud sigh escaped her lips and, to her surprise, she heard a quiet giggle.
Jiwoo turned her head to the side and finally saw what she had only been sensing until then. Yoona was staring at her.
“Insomnia?”
“Yeah!” Jiwoo whispered dramatically. “And I’m exhausted. I don’t know why I can’t sleep.”
Yoona giggled again. She immediately thought about lifting her blanket and offering Jiwoo a place beside her, but scolded herself the very next second. She felt disgusted with herself.
“Can we share the bed tonight?” Jiwoo asked jokingly, but grew worried when silence was the only response. “I’m kidding, unnie! I don’t want to bother you.”
“No! That’s not it.” Thank goodness it was dark and Jiwoo couldn’t see her blushing. “It’s fine, I just… never mind, come here.”
Yoona only heard the rustling blanket, the creaking bed, the soft footsteps, and then Jiwoo was lying beside her. Yoona pulled the blanket over her. It was fine, no big deal, they had done this before.
“Hi…” Jiwoo said with a grin as she turned toward her.
“H-hi…” Yoona did the same.
The two of them faced each other, their breathing mingling together while their faces remained hidden beneath a cloak of darkness. Yoona felt a foot brush against hers and froze instantly.
“You’re really tense, unnie. Did something happen?”
“No, no… but what about you? You seem kind of tense too. Did something happen? Something with Kyujin?”
Jiwoo let out a soft sigh.
“It’s nothing. You know we argue like sisters. I think we’re all just stressed.”
Yoona nodded, though she wasn’t sure if the gesture had even been seen.
“Unnie.”
“Hmm?”
“I saw the pictures you took today during your individual photoshoot. You looked so beautiful!”
Yoona let out an embarrassed laugh.
“Kim Jiwoo!”
“It’s true. All the photos turned out perfect. You looked like a princess from some faraway kingdom. Like the kind stuck in a tower waiting for a prince.”
“Or a princess.”
The words slipped out before Yoona could stop them. Her heart raced instantly, her muscles tensed, and her hands began sweating. Why had she let that slip? Why to Jiwoo? Why now, while they were sharing such an intimate moment? Why—
“…or a princess.”
Yoona stared deeply into Jiwoo’s face through the darkness and could swear she saw an adorable smile on her lips. Even so, she still tried to fix the situation.
“Sorry for saying weird things. It’s the sleep deprivation.”
“There’s nothing weird about that.” Jiwoo moved dangerously closer. “Imagine how fun it would be to be saved by a princess. Like, living in a huge castle with her, sharing dresses and… you know… being the wife of a beautiful woman.”
Yoona laughed and Jiwoo laughed even harder.
“You’re embarrassing me!”
“What? Wouldn’t you love having a beautiful woman all to yourself?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Again, it slipped out unintentionally, but this time it didn’t bring fear, only embarrassment at how eager her tone sounded.
The silence that followed between them was lighter and more pleasant. Now Yoona allowed their feet to tangle together without issue. Having Jiwoo this close was terrifying, but she no longer felt disgusting for… feeling what she felt. Jiwoo was so quiet, her smile sounded lovely, and the way her fingers brushed against Yoona’s hand was comforting. Did she realize how perfect she was? Yoona wondered.
“Tomorrow’s your solo photoshoot, right? Are you excited?”
Jiwoo swallowed hard. Her smile slowly faded away. Fortunately, it was dark enough to hide it.
“A little. Maybe?”
“Maybe? Your photoshoots are always some of the best.”
“That’s such an exaggeration.”
“It’s true. Your puppy eyes always steal the spotlight.”
Jiwoo laughed, though she didn’t fully believe it.
“If you say so.”
“It’s the absolute truth. You’ll see. Tomorrow I’ll come with you and cheer you on. Be confident.”
Jiwoo just smiled and returned the encouragement, but she didn’t expect to receive such a defiant response.
“You don’t think I’m confident?” Yoona asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Sometimes you’re too scared to say what you feel, you know? Which is silly, because usually what comes from you is smart and adorable.”
“I don’t have that much faith in myself.” Yoona laughed.
“But you should! It’s the absolute…” The realization hit Jiwoo hard. At that moment, she was on the other side of the conversation, the side Kyujin had been on earlier. “…truth.”
“We’ll talk more about it tomorrow. I think we really should sleep.”
Yoona lay back facing the ceiling and closed her eyes, but opened them instantly when she felt Jiwoo move even closer and rest her head on Yoona’s shoulder. One of Jiwoo’s arms wrapped around her waist. It wasn’t unusual, they had done this many times before, but now it felt different.
Ah, Kim Jiwoo, if only I weren’t… me.