Chapter Text
Alright, no. No. You're almost certain that's not the problem. Honestly, if it were, you might be relieved. A reason for the way that you are. You'd be honest with your wife, you love her, it's not her. You could go on medication. That's it, medication, for the stupid stupid way that you are. She'd be understanding, as she is with everything, including things you don't really expect anyone to be. Perhaps, it would inspire you to work out, or not eat like shit. Erectile Dysfunction would be your saving grace. Limp dick your miracle.
It is a different problem entirely. That being that you are insane.
You're an insane man who can't live like a normal person. A few years ago, you'd have chalked these thoughts up to some weird self-deprecating narcissistic tendency in you, but no, you are genuinely psychotic, you think, and that's why you can't get hard. And really, you can hardly blame yourself. You spent your precious youth being scared to grow up for good reason. Everything's terrible and everyone is different and you married a Stepford doll and some guy you barely ever thought about killed himself a few years ago and the only real thing left is wasting away in space and it's all your fault and now you're crazy.
You're sitting, sunk to the bathroom floor so you don't accidentally catch yourself in the mirror. One trembling hand loosely grips your pathetically flaccid dick, and the other taps messily at your phone.
On the other side of the door is your beautiful, intelligent, compliant wife. She's lounging enticingly on the bed, eclectically-scented candles swirling through your dimly lit bedroom. She'll smile sweeter than anyone's ever thought to smile at you before, and touch you like she was born for it. She'll tell you you're the sexiest thing she's ever laid her eyes on. You won't believe her, though the surface-level grasp you seem to have on her mind tells you she believes it, at least a little bit. You should not be like this right now, or ever.
You also certainly could've more conveniently timed this meltdown. Roxy had told you this is a totally not weird thing for couples 2 do, to plan sex ahead of time. That It takes the pressure off. Typically partners have different levels of desire. Scheduling sex can take the pressure off both partners. Scheduling sex lets the partner who wants more sex know it will happen and when, so they are not left guessing. (exc. Therapy with Heart, Art. 12 P. 8). You knew this Tuesday was coming and you put off the thought, and now you're scrambling for an erection on the cold tile ground.
None of this is helpful. No one has ever experienced the pure miserable anguish you're experiencing. You're hopeless, and you're pretty sure the only option left is to waste away and die so no one else has to wait for this chimerical boner you're wishing on.
GC: MY COMPL3T3LY 4VO1D4BL3 3GB3RT14N PROBL3M S3NS3S 4R3 T1NGL1NG SOOOOO H4RD R1GHT NOW
Oh, nice.
EB: terezi!
EB: you are exactly what i need right now!
Just kidding about all that. You are soooo normal.
EB: actually i'm not sure what i need.
EB: i'm sort of in distress.
GC: 1TS B33N 4 B1T S1NC3 1V3 C4UGHT YOU NOT 1N D1STR3SS
GC: 1 W4SNT 3XP3CT1NG MUCH
GC: WH4TS UP
EB: ok so.
EB: and excuse me but i'm supposed to be fucking my wife right now but it isn't working.
GC: 1T 1SNT WORK1NG
GC: WH4TS NOT WORK1NG
GC: YOUR BOGUS HUM4N M4RR14G3?
EB: hey don't call my human marriage bogus!
EB: i mean i can't.
EB: you know.
GC: STOP B31NG W31RD
EB: i can't get it up okay?
GC: WOW
GC: TH4TS ROUGH BUDDY
GC: 4R3 YOU TH4T OLD?
EB: i don't think so!
EB: it's because i am crazy.
GC: W3LL OFF TH3 B4T 1M PR3TTY POS1T1V3 TH4T 1SNT TH3 1SSU3
GC: W3 BOTH KNOW CR4ZY P3OPL3 WHO C4N W4V3 TH31R COD 1N TH3 W1ND L1K3 NOBODYS FUCK1NG BUS1N3SS
EB: holy crap.
EB: thinking about gamzee's dick was the key.
EB: i'm totally hard now.
GC: KN3W 1T WOULD WORK >:]
GC: LOOKS L1K3 MY WORK H3R3 1S DON3
EB: no don't go please!
GC: 1 W4SNT 4CTU4LLY GO1NG 4NYWH3R3!!!!!
GC: 1 W4S 4LMOST SUR3 YOU W3R3 JOK1NG
GC: *4LMOST*
You're already a little more at ease. She's the best.
GC: 1 DONT KNOW C4N 1 DO 4NYTH1NG FOR YOU?
EB: urgghhhhh.
EB: this is so weird.
GC: 1 SW34R FROM TH3 BOTTOM OF MY BLOODPUMP 1 R34LLY DONT G1V3 4 SH1T
The wall is cold and unconsoling as you lean your head against it, looking up to the ceiling. Roxy is humming to herself in the bedroom. You kind of wish she'd stop.
EB: i guess maybe...
EB: i don't know.
EB: i'm not trying to be weird or creepy or any thing but i really am stuck right now.
GC: 1 DONT R34LLY UND3RST4ND WH4T WOULD B3 CR33PY 4BOUT TH1S
GC: UNL3SS OF COURS3 YOUR3 4SK1NG M3 FOR SOM3TH1NG?
The swallow that follows is dry and harsh. Are you doing this? Are you going to sext yourself into a hard-on? With your wife in the other room? Be serious.
EB: haha.
EB: now i'm not sure.
EB: what are you offering?
You absolute chud.
GC: L1ST3N JOHN 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4CC3SSORY TO WH4T3V3R S3LF FL4G3LL4T1ON TH1NG YOU H4V3 GO1NG ON
Shucks, because that's exactly what you need her for.
GC: BUT H3Y WH4T K1ND OF FR13ND WOULD 1 B3 1F 1 L3FT YOU 4ND YOUR SL4CK SH4FT TO F3ND FOR YOURS3LV3S OUT TH3R3
GC: 4LSO
GC: 1 C4NT S4Y 1 H4V3 MUCH 3LS3 TO DO 4T TH3 MOM3NT
Things like that always sting a little. When Terezi dares to complain about her life, about risking it, in between your walls of miserable texts, when she could be here, be real, with you. Here. Now, preferably. You grip yourself more firmly.
GC: 4R3 YOU N4K3D?
EB: i can be.
GC: JUST T4K3 YOUR SH1RT OFF
EB: okay thank you.
You drop your phone on your thigh and fumble your shirt over your silly little head, tossing it across the floor. The shaking in your hands has stilled, but your palms continue to sweat. You kick your boxers a little further down your legs.
EB: it's off.
GC: HOW DO YOU F33L?
EB: um i guess i feel shirtless?
GC: 1 M34N 1N G3N3R4L
GC: DO YOU F33L OK4Y?
EB: i'm not freaking out any more, thanks to you.
GC: DO YOU ST1LL N33D M3?
EB: definitely yes.
EB: are you okay?
GC: W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOU
GC: M4YB3 1M 4 L1TTL3 OUT OF MY 3L3M3NT BUT 1M F1N3
GC: NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T 1 DONT R34LLY KNOW HOW HUM4N S3X WORKS BUT 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 1TS TOO D1FF3R3NT
EB: that would be true the other way around as well.
EB: i have never slept with a troll!
EB: or any one who isn't my wife.
EB: don't you guys not have nipples or some thing?
GC: 1M UNF4M1L14R W1TH TH3 T3RM
EB: they're these weird funny patches on your chest.
EB: mainly for breast feeding but i am a man so honestly i'm not sure why i have them.
GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S BR34STF33D1NG
EB: okay actually we are getting off track and i'd like to get back on it!
GC: TOUCH TH3M TH3N
GC: TH3S3 "N1PPL3S"
EB: i'm a little pre occupied right now.
GC: WH4T
GC: FUCK JOHN DONT T3LL M3 YOUR3 1N B3D W1TH H3R R1GHT NOW!!!!!
EB: what! no! that is not what i meant.
EB: i meant my hand is on my dick.
EB: she doesn't know i text you.
GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 WORST P3RSON 4L1V3
EB: trust me i know.
GC: 4ND 1 KNOW FOR 4 F4CT YOU DONT H4V3 TO 4CTU4LLY TOUCH YOURS3LF TO G3T H4RD
True. Very true. Technically, Terezi's already accomplished what she intended to. You're hard, your face is hot, and you feel much better than you have all day. You can live with yourself.
EB: can you just stay on with me for a little bit?
It takes a moment for her to respond. You feel your heart beating in your chest, and it echoes through the rest of you.
GC: 1M H3R3
GC: YOU OK4Y?
EB: you don't have to ask me that, i promise i'm fine.
EB: don't stop please.
GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T YOU W4NT TO H34R
You properly start yourself off with a slow, soft stroke to the tip. Every bit of you is sensitive, a bit flimsy, perfectly penetrable. There's nothing sharp enough on this earth to pierce you the way you so masochistically need to be pierced, but this is good enough for now.
EB: just say nice things.
GC: SUR3 1 M3AN
GC: HOW DO3S 1T F33L?
GC: YOUR FROND ON YOURS3LF
EB: it feels good.
EB: it feels like
EB: when i turn my brain off and pretend it isn't me it's even better really.
EB: some one who knows me better than i do.
Your throat clicks when you swallow. Your grip tightens experimentally, twisting just a bit as you work yourself, hips jerking slightly into your hand. And you're silent, you think.
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 KNOW YOU PR3TTY W3LL
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULD JUST CLOS3 YOUR G4ND3RBULBS
GC: PR3T3ND YOUR3 WH4T3V3R YOU N33D TO B3
EB: uh huh.
You listen and obey. You can't not listen to Terezi, to the perfect replica of her voice in your head, perhaps more commanding than she intends. How her hand would feel against you, hot and foreign, testing you with much more interest than you could even think of testing yourself. Terezi pushing you perfectly, always knowing better than you do what it is that you really want. Terezi against your back, her head on your shoulder, whispering roguishly into your ear between nips of your neck. Those are the kind of teeth you yearn for, that test you and draw blood. The sensation is both distant and all-consuming. You exhale sharply, fingers stuttering over yourself as you stroke yourself with much more passion than you have in a very, very long time. You feel your other hand buzz. Your phone, you mean.
GC: JOHN
GC: 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO CUM
EB: terexj
EB: terezi
EB: fuck
EB: what do you want me t do
It almost hurts to halt yourself as harshly as you do. But you're not one to disobey orders.
GC: HUH
GC: W3LL
GC: 1 H4V3 ON3 1D34
Fuck, you don't want to hear it.
EB: yeah
EB: ?
GC: YOU SHOULD PROB4BLY GO 4ND FUCK YOUR W1F3
GC: WOULD B3 4 B1G F4T SH4M3 1F YOU D1D 4LL TH4T JUST TO BLOW ON YOUR P4LMHUSK SCR33N WOULDNT 1T
You suppose that, in the context of your no-rest-from-hell life, she is a little bit correct. What a waste that would be. Your pulse thrums under your fingers. You hear your gross ragged breathing. You're all you again.
GC: H3LLO?????
EB: hi i am here.
EB: and i think i'm just going to go okay?
GC: DONT 4CT L1K3 TH4TS NOT 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 TOLD YOU TO DO
There's nothing that you wish more than for her to be with you right now. You type out something resembling that sentiment, perhaps less eloquent, and instantly delete it. You're running on borrowed time here.
EB: trust me, i'm not.
EB: um.
EB: thanks.
EB: i will text you later.
You shut your phone off with a certain finality. Not that anything is over. You sit silently for a few moments, staring at the wall, face still hot. You probably look a little fucked up, but you don't care to check. Roxy never gives a shit. The phone dings one last time.
GC: 1 B3T YOU W1LL
Reluctantly, you pick yourself up and walk yourself out. You're going to have to work with half-mast. Roxy will get you where you need to go, as she always enthusiastically does. You're not sure why you didn't trust her with that in the first place, but it's not something you're in the mood to pay mind to. You nearly forget to pull your boxers up. When you crack the bathroom door open, the bedroom is warm and welcoming, as is your woman. You hover there in the doorway for a moment, taking her in, allowing her to do the same to you.
ROXY: everything ok in there?
JOHN: a little nauseous is all.
JOHN: don't worry about me.
ROXY: sigh ok bab :)
ROXY: been waiting so looong
ROXY: cmere
Roxy pulls you so lovingly into bed, on top of and then beneath her. You close your eyes as you take her, her hands carding through your hair. The sharp scrape of her nails is what gets you there.