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It hurts… It hurts so much…
My tears couldn’t stop as I held the lifeless body in my arms. The bleeding on the lower part of my body wouldn’t stop as I was unable to feel my legs, but that was still bearable.
I gently pushed the cloth aside to take a look at my baby’s face. She had such a serene look, her pink hair matching my own… yet, she was not breathing.
Lord Henrik had only dropped in for a couple of minutes to check, then left. After all, who could blame him? I was taken by the Brenett household as his concubine, yet I failed to give a child for the fifth time, every single infant that came out of my womb ending six feet under.
At first, his wife did her best to teach me the ins and outs of nobility so I could stay in the shadow and support their family. However, since I lost my third child, my lady had started turning a cold shoulder to me.
“That’s enough for now,” one of the female attendants took the small child from my arm. I didn’t have enough strength to fight back as I was put to sleep. I reached a hand to her direction, knowing full well I would never see Priscilla ever again after today.
I know her life is gone, please just let me… Just a little more…
Alas my consciousness drifted away before I could speak these words.
The following few days were miserable as I was stuck in bed. The magic tool entrusted to me to prevent my mana from going wild was almost full, yet Lord Henrik hadn’t bothered to give a new one. In addition, everyone in the estate had started giving me cold shoulders.
It wasn’t helped by the fact I had not been able to provide as much financial support to the household anymore. They had taken me in, promising safety and care so long as my family of the Othmar Company provided donation. Yet, since my grandfather Gustav passed away a year ago, I found myself feeling depressed, especially as my most trusted attendant Leise had been forced to leave my service around the same time.
The Italian restaurant was still working and well, but I have started losing my grasp on it, the more greedy nobles having slowly taken over. My other business did not fare any better.
Am I going to be tossed aside? After all these years dedicated to them?
I couldn’t help but to cry in silence, clutching the cracking bracelets in my hands. I remembered back when I was still a child and happy I once tricked Myne with a similar tool – it was mostly then that she started hating on me. Now, she was the archduchess of Alexandria, while here I was on verge of death, no value to my name anymore.
For a moment, my eyes fell on a knife by the bedside table. I considered ending this all. If I was lucky, my remaining would be buried with my five children.
Raymond, Lucius, Geitz, Lowen, Priscilla, please wait just a little. Mommy is on her way.
I reached for the sharp tool, pointing it to my throat. I remember what Lord Henrik’s wife once taught me – how to end someone’s life fast. Yet, my hands were trembling.
Even though there was no joy anymore in this life, I was scared of the unknown.
Eventually, the knife fell into the bed sheets. I covered my mouth with both hands, feeling nauseous. I breathed in, then out, trying to calm myself down. However, this only made things worse as my mana was rampaging wildly.
I clutched the bracelet, then it immediately cracked and turned to dust.
For a moment, I just looked at the golden dust, a single thought running on my mind, Oh. I am dead.
There was a pause, then I laid back down. By now, my tears have dried up.
Where did I go wrong I wonder?
I was born sickly and with devouring – I had mana despite being a commoner. Thankfully, my family was wealthy and possessed noble connections so my grandfather had managed to secure magic tools for me. I was moved to the Brenett’s estate when I turned sixteen, at which point I was expected to bring heirs and wealth into their family.
However, my body’s condition was not the best, causing all my pregnancies to end in failures.
The lady of the house herself had successfully birthed two children, so my value lessened and lessened every time.
I had never given up before, clinging to the foolish dream of an once naïve girl who loves money more than anything. Then, something within me broke.
I never wanted to become anyone’s concubine. I always wanted to grow up like a normal girl, to become a merchant and make fortune, to have my name be known all across Yurgensmidth. I was Freida Tochter Othmar, the supposed master of wealth… yet… I haven’t accomplished anything.
With yet another sob – my eyes could not produce tears anymore – I felt drowsiness taking over.
It did not take long for the decision to fall. Lord Henrik summoned me to his study once I had recovered enough to be able to walk.
He cleared the room and allowed me to take the seat opposite from him.
Just saying but Lord Henrik was a very kind and caring noble – to the point of being called “naïve” or “saintly” by others. He treated me like a human being despite our difference in status. While it was nothing to write home about compared to affection among commoners, for a noble, he was more than benevolent.
However, as a noble, he had a duty to fulfill.
“Freida, how are you feeling today?”
I nodded. “I am feeling better. Thank you for your concern, Lord Henrik.”
He forced a smile as he made small talks about the flowers blooming in the garden, how the provinces of Ehrenfest were slowly recovering financially, how Lord Melchior had successfully graduated from the Royal Academy and many expect him to become the next archduke.
I tried humoring him, but I noticed my face was too stiff. No matter how hard I tried, I could not form a smile.
Eventually, he stood up and knelt in front of me, taking my hands.
“Freida, I am really sorry.”
I shook my head. “It is okay. I understand the situation is past your control. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your kindness up until now. Whatever decision is taken, I will gladly accept it.”
He looked down, bitter. “My wife is expecting another child right now. However, some complication has arisen. Plus, there is the matter of the Othmar facing difficulty with the Gilberta Company’s rise in power. Keeping you around… will not be easy.”
I just nodded. “I am sorry for not being able to provide further.”
He shook his head. “You did more than necessary. I am the one who should be apologizing. I was a grown adult, yet I was not able to do anything. You were just a young girl who should have lived a plentiful life, to follow your dreams, and I just chained you to a miserable life.”
The room felt quiet. I knew I should not resent him – I knew I was alive today because I was granted a chance. But deep down, I was fuming. I was aware nothing in life was free – I had received magic tools and medicines in exchange for my body… yet.
He was in his mid-twenties when we first met. I was barely six. Yet the first thing that came from his mouth was to suggest taking me as his concubine. I had been disgusted out of my mind, but the years of education compelled me to just smile and throw empty praises his way.
I hated this.
I hated it all.
I hated Henrik for his cowardice.
I hated his wife for being a hypocrite who said she would take care of me, yet tossed me aside eventually.
I hated Ehrenfest for breaking my dream apart.
I hated Rozemyne for building her own duchy and never so much as turn a single glance my way.
I hated my grandfather for leaving me alone on this cruel world.
I hated Leise for not being by my side anymore.
And above all else, I hated myself for always blaming others.
“Freida,” Henrik continued, “Ehrenfest had become dangerous for lately, especially considering your situation. I am fully aware I am at fault – I forced you to bear children despite your frail condition. Therefore, I will take responsibility.”
“That’s rich coming from a coward.”
It took a moment, then it struck me. My inner thoughts escaped. Yet, instead of being afraid, I felt… delivered. As if I had wanted these words to get out but never dared to.
Henrik looked confused, then chuckled. “I guess that makes a point.”
He stood up, then offered me a wooden board.
I did not have much strength left, but still took it. My eyes were blurry due to exhaustion, but I could make it enough to read through it. It was some kind of approval to move to another duchy.
“Ehrenfest is too small for you. Freida, you are a smart young woman, who knows her things,” he spoke. “Therefore I made the arrangement for you to move to Alexandria. Surely, their fresher air and more open environment should do wonder to help you recover. I spoke with my brother Damuel and he agreed to host you until you are able to get on your own feet.”
“I see. So you don’t want to have to deal with my corpse, so you are sending me away so I could die in a place far from home.”
His smile fell into a sad look. He turned his back to me, gaze stuck on the glass windows.
“Alexandria is a duchy where creativity is welcomed. Even though their duchy had only existed for around a decade, they are already among the richest,” he said, hands folded on his back. “Lot of merchants from across the country visit them, the people there are cheerful and willing to work for a better future, their archduchess is a merciful and open-minded woman. I am sure you will be able to have a new beginning over there.”
“That’s…” A dry chuckle escaped me. “There is no need to keep the appearance you know. I know it already that I have no worth anymore. You can be direct – nothing can hurt me anymore now.”
“I’m sorry…”
I looked up at his back. It was trembling, as if he truly regretted that things turned this way.
“I was not able to help you fulfill your dreams. However, you are still young and have a long life ahead. Your dream to become a famous merchant is still possible,” he turned around, and for the first time in my life, I saw tears. Nobles were known to be heartless, hiding every single emotion behind careful masks, yet Henrik approached me fully vulnerable. “Freida, live. Live for the sake of our children. You can hate me all you want, but I want you to remember something; you are not worthless, nor broken. You can still shine bright.”
I… didn’t feel anything. Neither sadness, satisfaction, joy nor anger. Just the wish to leave this place as soon as possible and never see his face ever again.
After Henrik continued to rant for who knows how long, he dried his tears, casted a spell to heal his face, then called for an estate attendant over.
I was offered a bracelet adorned by five beautiful feystones. The moment it came in contact with my skin, my tears fell and could not stop. A knot formed on my stomach as I clutched the jewelry tight between my fingers.
“Raymond, Lucius, Geitz, Lowen, Priscilla…”
It did not take a genius to know these were the feystones left behind by my babies. Deep down, I felt a bit relieved I would be able to keep them with me, but another part of me felt deep anger.
“Freida…”
A hand placed itself on my shoulder but I did not have the strength to look up. I just sat there, gaze down.
“Welcome to Alexandria, Freida.”
I gave a small bow. My face was still frozen as I haven’t been able to smile since Priscilla’s death.
I was now in another duchy, with Henrik’s younger brother Damuel having come to pick me up at the dock. The town of Alexandria was by the sea, the place bustling with life, but everything looked gray in my eyes.
“I am overjoyed to see you again, Lord Damuel,” I spoke, my voice very monotonous, as if I was a machine just repeating words.
He smiled sadly, then reached for my luggage from one of the sailors. “You must be tired. The trip was quite long. Let us go to the estate for now.”
Even though he was a noble, Lord Damuel was very kind – he was ten times kinder than Henrik. He was aware about Rozemyne’s commoner past and the only reason he was still alive was due to his reliability.
Our group made its way toward the noble’s quarter, passing through busy streets. Commoner children ran around, laughing heartily as if they understood this was true happiness. There were shops at every corner, something my old self would not be able to resist – the old Freida would run to check on their product and would try to start her own business based on these.
Among the people walking alongside Lord Damuel and me were several unfamiliar faces.
Not wanting to attract attention, I just tried to keep up the pace, but my body was still way too frail, forcing me to slow down. One of the female knight walking alongside us noticed.
“Lord Damuel, I believe Miss Freida is still not in her best form. Perhaps we should slow down.”
“Oh. My apologies. I did not mean to harm you, Freida. Let us take it easy.”
I was a bit surprised when everyone slowed down to match my pace. Nobles never cared about commoners. The moment you get in their way or become a heavy weight, they would kill you right away, yet…
“Aub Alexandria is very adamant in treating everyone fairly,” the female knight smiled. “There are still nobles who are too proud to follow it, but younger nobles have come to understand that commoners are humans, just like us. As a fervent follower of the Lady Rozemyne cult, I have to do my best to preach her teaching to everyone I come across.”
“Lady Rozemyne cult?”
“Yup. It’s an ideal Lord Hartmut and Lady Clarissa set. They contain holy texts summarizing Aub Alexandria’s ideals and dreams,” she explained, voice cheerful. “Miss Freida, perhaps you should drop by the temple once in a while to listen to Lord Hartmut. His words convey divine intentions in honor to the Goddess of Wisdom Mestionora herself. I am sure you will soon find the will to live once again after few sessions.”
“Faith… huh?”
My right hand found its way to rub on the bracelet resting on my left wrist. I did not know if anyone in this world was able to help fill the deep void within my heart. I have never been a religious person – no, I loathed the Gods of this accursed world. Why did they create nobles and commoners separately? Why did they allow the nobles to slave away and toy with the lives of the people who have less power than them? Why was I born with mana, while my only dream was to be a normal girl?
“I understand your spite,” she continued. “However, please do not lose hope.”
She reached for my hand, holding it against her chest. I tried to take it back – it was unheard of for a noble to be so intimate with a commoner in a public setting.
“That’s…”
“Florina.”
“Huh?” I got surprised.
“That’s my name,” she continued, gently wrapping her fingers around mine. “Let us do our best together going forward. Just like how Lady Rozemyne was able to save me when I was at my lowest, I hope you too, will find salvation.”
I did not know how to answer that. However, Lord Damuel did not comment, so we continued to walk, with this Florina person holding my hand all the way.
Deep down… I thought her hands were warm… and comforting.
It had been a few months since I moved in Alexandria.
Lord Damuel and his wife Lady Philine were very kind toward me. Not once did they look down on me – they treated me as an equal. Lady Philine would check on my health every day, and she would sometimes bring her friends over, all of them doing their best to cheer me during the tea parties in the estate’s rear garden.
Despite serving as the archduchess’s scholar, Philine did not let her title go to her head. She was rational and fair at all times.
My two hosts were busy most of the time with their job, but I was never left alone. The estate attendants always took care of me.
Deep down, I felt guilty. I was abusing their kindness with nothing in return.
One day, while I was on a walk in the rear garden, observing the flowers, a memory came back.
”These who don’t work shall not eat.”
That was the catchphrase Myne used to repeat back when she was still a sickly commoner girl. I knelt down in front of the pound, looking at my reflection.
I looked like a corpse – my skin was pale and a bit gray-ish, my eyes tired, my hair in disarray despite the attendant having used a precious shampoo on it every three days for the past weeks.
Freida, my dear Freida, how did you fall so low?
I reached for my reflection in the water, causing ripples to deform the displayed image.
”You know how to be a merchant, but you don’t know how to be a friend.” Suddenly, Benno’s words echoed in my mind.
”Just because I failed once doesn’t mean I should give up.” Lutz’s words came next. He had spoken these when I had asked him in the past how come he always pushed his limit for Rozemyne’s sake, even though he was supposed to be a powerless commoner. ”There might come a time in life where you feel there is something more important than anything else. When that time comes, you will understand.”
I clutched the grass below me, gritting my teeth.
No, I do not understand. I never discovered such a thing.
Then…
”Freida, my beloved granddaughter,” I remembered my grandfather’s last words as he laid on his dying bed. Lord Henrik had allowed me to meet him one last time, which I was partially grateful for. ”You are the most precious thing to me. While I will not say everything I did was selfless or the best choices, I do not regret dying here if I get to see you grow healthily. However, if there is something I wish, it was to give you the life you deserve – one of a true merchant.”
I had pondered these words for the past year, but never found the true meaning.
Eventually, the day ended without any improvement.
The following day, Lord Damuel and Lady Philine left early in the morning due to an emergency in the castle. One of the attendants suggested to go downtown to do grocery shopping.
“A change of pace would surely do you wonders.”
I did not really feel like going out, but eventually agreed. The two of us made our way to the more populated district, the scent of the ocean ever so present.
The laugher of children became louder, at which point it made my head hurt. I clutched my temples, fingers gripping the bracelet. It was as if the world was mocking me – the woman who could not become a proper merchant, yet failed at her duties as a mother.
Noticing my struggles, the attendant led me to a less populated area and helped me sit on a public bench.
“I am sorry. How are you feeling, Miss Freida?” She asked, concerned. “Shall I call for a carriage to bring you back to the estate?”
I remained silent, unable to answer her.
I just want this pain gone.
I did not want to live in misery anymore.
What was the reason for continuing like this?
“You might ask yourself; does someone worthless like me deserve to live?” A voice caught my attention.
A man with combed red hair, wearing priest’s blue robes walked in my direction. It took me some tries, but I was able to identify him as Hartmut, the former High Priest of Ehrenfest, the proudest scholar serving under Lady Rozemyne and a fanatic of her.
“To fall into despair – that is fair. We are merely humans flawed to the core and bound to make mistakes,” he made a small bow. “May I join you for a moment? The avatar of the Goddess, my Lady, Rozemyne Aub Alexandria, had whispered to me that a lost soul had found its way to the town she had built, where everyone deserves salvation.”
I nodded before I noticed it, while the attendant bowed her head and gently moved to the side.
Hartmut sat down beside me and I prepared myself to stand up, considering our difference in status, but he gently dragged me back by the arm to force me to sit down.
“Now now. First, let’s discuss the basis; why you came here.”
I looked down, remaining silent.
“You are here, right here, right now, because people still care about you. You are present because you haven’t fully given up yet.”
He spoke with conviction, yet his words barely reached me.
“You do not lose until you give up,” he continued. “My lady says these words over and over. There is no such thing as a useless person. If my Lady believes everyone should have a second chance, then as her number one follower, this Hartmut shall execute it.”
He reached a hand to my chin, raising it, his eyes looking deep into my soul.
“Freida, listen here; your life is not over yet. It is fine to feel depressed and to be desperate after failing. However, your future is still possible, so long as you fight,” he spoke before letting go of me. He then reached for something from his pocket and handed it over. “Cry today if you must. Scream if you feel angry. However, tomorrow, when the sun rises, tell yourself “it’s not over yet.” What if the world is a cruel and unjust place? Just challenge it again. You love money, don’t you? Then, rise from your ashes, build your empire and show the world what you are made of.”
I looked at the things he gave me. They were a pair of hairpins styled after red flowers… they were similar to the accessories Myne and her sister Tuuli had made for me for my baptism years ago – the ones grandfather paid extra for me as a gift.
I held them against my chest. I had thought my tears have long dried up, yet my vision was blurry, as I folded on myself.
“Don’t you want to be a merchant?” Hartmut placed a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t you want to waltz inside the Plantin Company’s headquarters and shut Benno down with a smug look because you own more than him? Don’t you want to own a very large and lavish mansion, to count money every night before bed – your money that you earned through your sweat and hard work?”
“I…” I said in between sobs.
“Don’t you want it, Freida?” He continued, his voice more intense. “Don’t you want to show Myne that the two of you are equally smart little gremlins? Don’t you want to show Henrik and the world that you are more than just a womb they could use to birth children? Don’t you want to show your grandfather that his life was not in vain?”
“I…” I looked up, my tears falling freely, voice raised. “I want to live my dream! I want to be a merchant and make lot of money! I want to walk up to Benno and give him the biggest smug smile! I want to show Myne that I honestly see her as a friend – to apologize for tricking her, and start from anew.”
These words escaped me in a massive burst. I didn’t care anymore that there were people around. I didn’t care that I was crying like a small child. All I wanted was to given a chance.
Hartmut smiled and patted my head, like how my older brother once did to me when I felt down.
“Then that’s enough,” he spoke, voice gentle. “You can do it. My lady believes in you.”
I didn’t know what compelled me but leaned forward, my face against his chest. I knew he was a noble and such an action was unacceptable, but I could not stop myself.
Just today… Just for today, please allow me to be the vulnerable girl once again…
Instead of pushing me away, Hartmut just whispered. “It’s okay now.”
And for once, I started to believe.
The summer sun was high in the sky, the emerald sea looking beautiful as always.
I sat by a hill, a tree behind me. Several children ran around the grassy hill, playing with each other, all smiling happily. All of them had mana despite being born commoners, all of them forsaken by this world. But right now, they were under my care.
Years have gone by since I had resolved myself for a new start.
It was not only roses and candies – I still lacked confidence and blundered several times, especially during the first month. However, everyone around kept supporting me, pushing me forward toward that dream that was once so far away. Over the years, I managed to open my own Company, made money, moved out of Lord Damuel’s estate, to my own mansion, and started caring about less fortunate children.
Eventually, I was allowed into a private meeting with Rozemyne. I got on my knees and apologized for everything I did in the past.
She had forgiven me with a smile, lowering herself to my level.
That day, a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I ran my fingers on my bracelet. It felt warm.
I had remained celibate and planned to stay so, money being my one true love. However, a small spot on my heart remained dedicated to my five children I was never allowed to cradle properly.
“Miss Freida, look!” One of the girls with pink hair ran to my direction with a flower. “I picked them for you.”
“Thank you,” even though the flowers had no value per se, her intention was clear.
The girl smiled brightly. “Thank you for always looking after us. When I grow up, I wish to be someone like you – a kind person who helps others. I also wish to have lot of money so I could feed everyone around me and give them a comfortable life.”
I smile, then patted her head. “I believe in you, Nephenee.”
With that, she ran toward the other children, where they continued with their childish dream.
I looked up at the distant sky through the komorebi(*) past the tree leaves. The world was colorful, wide and kind. While I would not say everything was perfect, this was the world I lived in, a world worth protecting.
Grandfather… thank you for everything. I thought back about his smile. I am happy right now.
The end