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It was a gorgeous evening, as it was most evenings in the desert. The stars rang out in the sky like little doorbells, signalling their distance from the built-up, soggy places where they had unfortunately been so far. Falst felt exposed on the open plains. The night breeze blew and chilled everybody to their bones, but even that couldn't disuade the warmth on Dainix's face when they finally reached his town.
"Everybody shh," he said, and of course they obeyed.
The group weaved between glass houses together, until Dainix finally found the one in which his parents lived. Dainix wandered inside to greet them whilst the others respectfully stayed outside. Waking them up was his first mistake, because within the hour the entire town had rattled to life like an old drum. The party was alcohol, and lightshows, and Dainix being hoisted upon people's shoulders like a potato sack. It was also Falst in the corner, feeling sorry for himself.
How great that Dainix has all these people rooting for him… How great that he wouldn't need him anymore. Falst felt like a void in the corner of a bright room; everybody, absolutely everybody else was alight with joy and connectedness. Falst was strangling himself to tap into it, unsuccessfully. Erin and Tess had run off to talk history with some elders, Kendal was sparring with an overzealous teenager, and Alinua, as usual, had attracted an interested crowd. Falst was, what, ruining it? He felt like an asshole, just standing there, watching everybody, but he couldn't turn himself off.
Weighing his options, Falst eventually concluded that it was better for him to leave.
So he left, stalked the perimeter a little, then retired to one of the temporary houses which they had set up for the group.
Falst's hut was made out of thick, purple and blue glass; opaque, but not so much that you couldn't spot the occasional pillar of fire which rose into the sky. Inside, Falst had a thin bedroll and a couple of Erin's (borrowed) books, although Erin's constant annotations got old fast. Eventually, he tossed the books aside and exchanged reading for staring at the wall. Far away, everybody else was enjoying themselves. Not Falst, though, that wasn't for him. He let his eyes drop closed.
Falst smelt Dainix before he could see him. The bead curtain clacked, Falst turned, and Dainix was standing in the doorway.
"Hey!" Dainix said, "I thought I'd find you here. Can I join you?"
He smelt of cinders, as per usual, but that night there was somebody else's perfume on him as well.
"Do what you want," Falst said quietly.
He made no room as Dainix very nearly collapsed to the floor next to him, sitting heavily at Falst's side.
"Fun party?" Falst asked.
"Mhmm," Dainix said, leaning his head back against the deceivingly cold glass wall. His eyes closed, and he smiled, "It's so great to see everybody."
"I'm sure it is," Falst said.
Dainix glanced over at him, "How come you're stuck in here, then? I have some friends who want to meet you properly, you know, without all the chaos."
It had been a busy arrival; lots of people were excited to see the mysterious, wandering demon and his weird, outsider friends. Falst shrugged as his stomach turned over on itself.
"Tired," he said. "I wanted to catch some shut-eye."
"Do you mind if I stay?" Dainix asked.
Falst hated looking at him, because when he looked at him, his heart started fidgeting. He looked, and off it went, "If you want to," he said.
"I do want to," Dainix nodded.
'Then stay', Falst thought, but he couldn't say it. His heart and mind were uncooperative twin siblings — Don't even get started on his tongue. In Falst's body, his heart, mind, and mouth were three different systems which had no interest in each other whatsoever. Mind said, this guy should clear off. Heart said, this guy should never leave. Mouth said nothing. Falst was stuck between them, staring at the wall, holding onto himself.
Suddenly, Dainix started to rifle around in his pants pocket.
"Hang on," he said, "I brought you something!"
Falst raised an eyebrow and watched as Dainix held out a small, paper box.
"Here," he smiled.
Falst's nose twitched as it was met with a honeyed, perfumed scent. He stared at the box, then at Dainix.
"What is that?" He asked.
"It's fruit," Dainix smiled, "I thought you might want to try some."
Falst glanced at him suspiciously, then snatched the box out of Dainix's hand. The smell was stronger, closer to his face, thicker. This is what he had smelt on Dainix earlier, not some other person. The tension which had wound up inside of him eased a little — Only a little. Falst unhooked the packaging. Inside, the fruit didn't look how he had expected.
"Rocks?" He asked.
"Dates," Dainix corrected him, "It's always funny to me, the stuff that doesn't travel far outside of the desert. Alinua hadn't seen them either. They're good! We've been cooking them in honey around the fire."
Falst picked one up, "I don't know, I don't have a sweet tooth."
"Oh come on," Dainix said, bumping into him, "For me."
Falst rolled his eyes, but his heart was going pitter-patter, "Fine, sure," he said, pretending to ignore Dainix's self-satisfaction. Falst bit into the fruit, and blinked as the honey settled on his tongue. The fruit's skin was firmer than he had expected; Falst had to rip the other half out of his mouth for it to break. He chewed.
At his side, Dainix was watching him.
"Mm… It's good!" He announced.
Dainix threw his hands up in a cheer, "yay, I'm glad," he smiled.
After a short while, Falst began to feel uncomfortable with Dainix watching him as he ate in silence.
"Do you want one?" He asked.
"Am I allowed?" Dainix asked teasingly.
"Yeah, you are," Falst nudged him, "Stop being weird."
"I am not being weird," Dainix said, as he took a date for himself.
Dainix sat easily as he ate, smelling of sweat, wine, and cinder, now of honey too. Falst's stomach was unsettled as the glass warmed against his back.
"Why are you in here?" He asked, "Talking to me?"
Dainix cocked his head like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Because I like talking to you?"
"I know, but," Falst gestured in the direction of the town centre, "More than all of that?"
Dainix shrugged, "I wanted you to be there, you weren't there, I decided to come find you."
Falst frowned and turned away — Self-loathing was ringing again in the back of his mind. The sound of revelry was still drifting in from the party. It was distant, but present.
"You don't have to come back with me," Dainix said, "I'm perfectly happy staying inside."
"They'll be missing you," Falst told him.
"Bah," Dainix said, swiping a hand at nothing, "They're all too drunk to care."
Falst looked back at him, "Are you?"
Dainix shook his head, "I don't drink, it gives me a headache."
"Oh," Falst said.
The room was dark. As brightly as the stars shone out here, it wasn't enough to light up a room. All Falst had was his night vision, and he could only guess at what Dainix was seeing. It felt oddly voyeuristic, watching him and not being certain how deeply he was looking back. Falst had the strange feeling, though, that Dainix didn't need to look at him to look through him; it's what he did every day, every hour, a routine. Falst did something stupid, like run away from a party, and Dainix would find him and say it was okay.
"Falst," Dainix whispered, "You're quiet, what are you thinking?"
What was Falst thinking about? He was thinking about Dainix, clearly, and about how handsome he looked in the dim light, and how obviously he was going to stay here with his family instead of carrying on with the team, and how he didn't need Falst anymore, clearly, and he didn't love him. None of it was distinct; Falst couldn't pick any of it out, all he had was this horrible jumble in his head and a terrible knotting in his guts.
"I don't know," Falst whispered back.
"That's okay," Dainix told him, then he casually asked, "If I slept here tonight, would you be mad about that?"
Falst shook his head; his breathing was shallow, "No," he replied.
Dainix smiled, though Falst wasn't sure if he was aware of it, "Good," he said, "You were just headed to sleep, right? Do you want to get back to that?"
Falst nodded, "Yeah, sure."
He made way first, certain by now that Dainix couldn't see quite as well as he could. Dainix shuffled on his hands and knees to the spot as Falsts side, then stretched out on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Falst found himself sitting upright, staring at him. Dainix had his eyes closed and a self-satisfied smile across his face. Falst suddenly understood what was expected of him, what Dainix might be after — What he probably was after, but didn't want to force. This was but one moment alone in the string of 'moments alone' which Dainix had orchestrated. If Dainix stayed here with his family, which it looked like he was going to, then it could be their last. Falst leant in closer to him.
'Fuck,' he thought. He could feel Dainix's breath, and it ran hot. Falst already knew that, kind of, but he hadn't felt it so closely before.
Dainix was still, statuesque. Certainly, he could feel Falst's breath too, but he stayed still and waited. Falst leant down and kissed him hard.
It was a clumsy mess — Falst felt like he was operating heavy machinery, in a rush and without an instruction manual. He needed it, though. Once Falst had Dainix on his lips, he suddenly woke up to his own gut-wrenching hunger, and he kissed Dainix like a starving man. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands come up at his sides, and for a moment, Falst was certain Dainix was going to push him away, but instead, Dainix sat up slowly and lifted Falst into his lap, like he weighed nothing. Falst was straddling him, squashed up against his chest. They disconnected.
Dainix smiled sleepily, "Hey, this is new," he said.
"Is this not what you wanted?" Falst asked.
"I don't want anything out of you," Dainix said, then he kissed him quickly, "But this is a nice bonus."
Falst felt a knee come up between his legs. He rose up to accomdate for it and fell forward onto his elbows over Dainix. Dainix laughed, and the noise ran electric up his spine. Falst kissed him again — Now that he had started, he couldn't stop. The inside of Dainix's mouth tasted much like his own, like saline and the skin of honeyed fruits. Falst felt like he had to leave a part of himself in there; he wanted to feel close, and he wanted to impress him. Falst was famished.
"Mm!" he heard Dainix whine.
Falst stopped and pulled away.
Dainix looked breathtaking with his auburn hair splayed out beneath him on the bedroll. His deep, orange eyes were struck wide as he panted quietly. Then Falst noticed the red ichor blooming on his bottom lip.
"Fuck," Falst said to himself, "Shit, I'm sorry," he went to wipe the stain away, but was startled by his own hand. The claws looked demonic in any light. Falst was frozen again.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Dainix said, reaching up to find Falst's hand, "It's fine."
Dainix sucked on his lip and swallowed. The blood disappeared with it, but re-bloomed itself a moment later, which didn't help. Falst began to shudder with anxiety, his hand closing tightly around Dainix's palm.
"It's okay," Dainix said, using that grip to guide Falst down onto the bedroll, licking his lip whenever they weren't talking, "I don't mind," he said.
"I hurt you," Falst told him, like he didn't know.
Dainix leant down and kissed him, leaving a stain of red on Falst's face. He could taste it.
"I don't mind, I promise," Dainix said.
"Well, you should," Falst said.
Dainix shrugged, "Maybe, but I don't," he lounged across Falst's torso, "Are you alright?"
"No, I'm not," Falst snapped, then remembering to regulate himself. He put a hand over his face, "It wasn't supposed to go like that it was supposed to be…"
Dainix was playing casually with the fur on his chest, watching him doe-eyed, "It doesn't have to be anything," he said, "We can stop here."
"No," Falst retorted, out of stubbornness? Instinct? Pride?
"If you think it'd make me happy to force things on you, then you're wrong," Dainix said.
"I don't think that," Falst said quietly. Dainix was one of maybe four people in the world whom Falst was never scared would hurt him, but, "I'm scared of hurting you," he said, staring at the ceiling.
"I don't feel hurt," Dainix said.
Falst said nothing.
"What if I take the lead?" Dainix suggested, sitting up onto his knees. As he dragged away from skin contact, it felt like a string was being pulled taut between them. The moonlight caught Dainix's hair through the curtain and made him look like he had caught aflame. Falst began to breathe shallowly again, taken by him. They lingered in silence for a while, until Dainix finally spoke again, "You have to say something, or I'm not doing anything," he said.
Falst nodded, and the words followed afterwards, "Yes," he said, "Yeah, let's do that."
Dainix smiled and slowly crawled on top of him. It felt like he was sucking all of the air out of Falst's lungs, with no contact at all. Dainix kissed him, and it was like somebody had lit a spark in Falst's stomach. His guts were a great big ball of flame, bouncing up into his ribcage and boiling his saliva. Falst had to breathe through his nose in bursts, almost tearing up with excitement. As he kissed him, Dainix found both of Falst's hands and looped his fingers through them, holding the pair at either side of Falst's head.
When they disconnected again, Falst's pupils had been blown wide like saucers — Dainix laughed.
"Something funny?" Falst asked.
"No," Dainix kissed him again, "I just like what I see."
If Falst's body were made of three systems, then his mind had been completely shut off, his mouth was otherwise occupied, and only his heart was still whirring away. It hummed in his chest as Dainix sat down, placing his full weight on Falst's thighs.
"You're still happy?" Dainix asked.
Falst nodded, "Yeah."
"Okay," Dainix said, his hands finding their way to Falst's waistband, "Let me know if that changes."
Dainix pulled Falst's pants down around his waist, then quickly rose onto his knees to do the same with his own. Falst's view was somewhat obstructed until Dainix shuffled forward, and he saw the puff of dark brown pubic hair growing between Dainix's legs, and the flower within it. His breath hitched. Falst was so hard that it hurt. If sugar were a feeling, that's what he felt when Dainix began to sit down on top of him. Falst arched, and he gripped the bedroll, immediately tearing through it.
"Shit," he muttered, and he held his hands up for Dainix to grab and pin above his head, "Don't let me do that," he said.
"I won't," Dainix whispered as he ground onto him.
Falst whined like a stray and began to take large, sweeping breaths to keep himself calm. Between the waves of overwhelming pleasure, he saw flashes of himself, bent over Dainix, and feral, and bloody. Those intrusive, nauseating visions ticked in the back of his mind like push-pins on a corkboard. Falst was happy, more than anything, that those visions couldn't be real, not whilst Dainix was overpowering him.
Dainix sighed with satisfaction as he finally sat down to the hilt, and they breathed in tandem. The sight of himself disappearing inside of Dainix's body made Falst feel like the world was spinning. Dainix's vagina felt much like the inside of his mouth — It was warm to a boiling point, slick, and open. Falst felt it gripping onto him as Dainix gradually rose up again.
He moaned, unable to control himself as Dainix slowly and deliberately bobbed up and down again, sometimes taking him in half at a time, and sometimes taking him all at once. He was unpredictable, and it kept Falst on his toes, unable to fully ease into the movement; but as Dainix's hand squeezed round his wrists, a comfortable rivulet of security was sent running up his back. Falst whined again, swimming in it. His hips bucked up as Dainix knocked all of the intrusive thoughts out of his mind.
Falst wanted to say something. What did he want to say? Oh, who cares?
It had already been two systems down, and then Dainix reached in and decided to stop Falst's heart as well. He sat, and grinded, and Falst felt tension take hold of his body. He grunted as his abdomen seized, and Falst really pulled against Dainix's hold, still unable to break the grip. Then he saw stars and moaned, cumming up into Dainix's torso. Dainix sat there for a while, drinking him in, then slid off to the side. Falst's body shook as he did so, suddenly freezing in the humid tent. Humidity was nothing.
Dainix was still holding his hand, and even that was warm — It was all Falst could feel for a while. The bed wasn't there, he wasn't there, Dainix was there. When he opened his eyes again, Dainix was staring at him, and Falst flushed. He tried to hide his head in his hands, and Dainix hugged him.
"Hello," he said.
"Hi," Falst replied quietly.
"Are you okay?" Dainix asked pleasantly.
"Yes," Falst replied, wanting nothing more than for the conversation to be over with. Mind was back in the running, it seemed. His words were stuck again, and Falst fought against it like a caged animal. Why could he never speak when it mattered to him? Then, something dawned on him. He looked up at Dainix, examining him, "Was that just me?" He asked, "Did you not…?"
Falst didn't quite know the word for what had just happened to him, but he knew it was important somehow. Dainix stared back lovingly at his confusion.
"I'm not alright with it if you didn't," he said. Falst glanced down, remembering their differences in physiology, "Can you…?" He asked cringingly.
Dainix laughed, "Yes, I can," and hugged him closer.
"Then why didn't you?" Falst asked with some irritation, finding his head on Dainix's shoulder.
"It doesn't work like that for me," Dainix said, "I need more than, uh… Do you want me to show you?"
"Yes," Falst pulled back away from him definitively.
It was barely perceptible, but Falst felt Dainix warm up by a degree, "Let me get comfortable," he said.
Falst disentangled himself as Dainix shifted onto his back.
"Come here," Dainix said, as he finally settled himself, sitting upright with his legs splayed open.
Falst crawled over so that he was between his thighs, and waited patiently for Dainix's commands. Dainix reached out and asked for Falst's hand. Falst quickly offered it to him and let Dainix move it to the mound between his thighs.
"So, you focus here," he said, placing it on the bulb at the top of his labia, "I trust you, but don't put anything inside me, please."
Falst nodded. He manipulated Falst's hand like it was part of a mannequin, shifting it so that Falst held the bulb with two knuckles, not his fingertips. Then, he started to move Falst's hand up and down, rubbing the area gently. Falst was keen-eyed, watching with interest. "And that's all it is," Dainix said.
"Really?" Falst asked.
"Yeah," Dainix nodded.
'I could have done this earlier,' Falst thought to himself, 'next time,' he added.
Next time, if there is a 'next time'. Regret stung his heart as he settled into the rhythm of getting Dainix off.
"Is that okay?" Dainix asked.
Falst kissed Dainix and pushed him back onto the bedroll, "Shut up, yeah, I've got this."
Dainix laughed and moved his pelvis up. With his spare hand, Falst held him by the thigh, being careful not to poke him with any stray claws.
"Just start slow," Dainix added, and Falst did as he said.
Dainix wasn't going to spend a moment unobserved; Falst was watching him constantly, listening for noise, checking to see how his breathing changed. He was going to do a good job, damn it. Falst started slowly, as Dainix told him to, but quickly realised he didn't need to be consistent the entire time. It was just as Dainix had done on top of him — If he sometimes sped up, then slowed down, or varied pressure, it created this unpredictability that made Dainix's breath hitch every so often. For Falst, that sound was its own reward.
"And you can," Dainix started speaking again, but this time his words were stilted, which Falst took as a good sign. "If it's wet, you can use that," he added, shifting forward into Falst's palm.
It was. Falst stopped for a moment, drew his knuckle up through the slick that was gathering between Dainix's thighs, then he started up again. Dainix sighed, and his breathing became heavier, his exhalations filling up the tent with humid air. Dainix put his hand over his eyes and didn't give any more instructions, "That's good," he managed instead, thighs closing around either side of Falst's head.
Falst took that as a signal to go faster. Dainix whined, and his head fell backwards, "That's good, keep going," he said, and Falst glowed from the approval, although it was getting a little difficult to keep the pace up when Dainix kept closing around him. Taking matters into his own hands, Falst used his head and hand to push Dainix's left thigh onto the bedroll. He held it there so that he would have room to move, and it worked, and Dainix moaned in tandem with him, doing it, laughing in between sounds.
Falst looked up at him again — All he could see was Dainix's chin, and his Adam's apple as it bobbed on nothing.
'I adore you,' Falst wanted to say, but he couldn't say that, so instead, he landed a kiss on Dainix's thigh, sucking onto it like a tick. Falst kept his teeth out of the picture, but he trailed slowly inward towards where Dainix was squirming. He hoped it felt good. He was sure it felt good when Dainix seized, just like Falst had ten minutes before, and came from Falst's manipulation.
Dainix's chest rattled, and his thighs clamped firmly around Falst's head, not that Falst was complaining. He stayed there as the tremors subsided and only moved when Dainix's thighs fell open, releasing him. Falst crawled up to Dainix's side and cuddled him, digging his face into the crook of his neck. They lay in silence for a long time. By this point, the music and cheering coming from the town square had already stopped. Falst wondered whether they noticed Dainix's absence; he wondered whether anybody was looking for him. He hugged Dainix tight and waited in anticipation for somebody to come barging in through the door, but nobody ever did.
Falst couldn't sleep. He was sure that tomorrow Dainix would be leaving him. Tomorrow, Erin, Alinua, Tess, and Kendal would say, 'Come on, it's time to get moving, and Dainix would say, 'No thanks, I'm finally with my family again, I'm going to stay right here.' They had maybe seven hours together left, eight if they were lucky. Falst didn't want to miss a single second of it, but his eyes were failing him. He fought, and he squirmed as sleep threatened to overtake him.
Eventually, Dainix asked, "What's wrong?"
Falst's expression bunched up into a grimace, and he was grateful that Dainix couldn't see. Mind said, don't say anything, but Falst needed to, and he wanted to.
"Don't stay here," he whispered, "Not forever, please."
Dainix was quiet for a little while, and Falst was wracked with anxiety. That was it, he had fucked it up forever. No, seven hours, not even seven minutes — He waited for Dainix to get up and leave, but Dainix didn't leave.
"You thought I was going to stay here?" He asked.
Falst blinked, "Yes, obviously."
Dainix turned so that they were face-to-face, "Why did you think that?"
Falst was dumb-stricken, "Because your family live here, your friends live here, you would be stupid not to stay!"
"Do you want me to stay here?" Dainix asked, with an eyebrow raised.
"No!" Falst exclaimed, "I really don't."
Guilt started to creep up on him. To take all of this away from somebody, to sleep with somebody and then watch them leave, to let them go, it all felt terrible, but Falst couldn't stay in one place, and his body didn't agree with this heat. It couldn't work; it wasn't working. He was clinging to the last vestiges of Dainix that he had left.
"I'm not going to," Dainix said plainly, "Is that all you were worried about?"
Falst stared at him in disbelief, "You're not?"
"No," Dainix answered, "I want to see the world! Our journey to Helm was inspiring. I want to see more."
Falst's jaw hung open, "You're an idiot," he said sharply.
"I'm not," Dainix argued, "And you're not angry with me, you just said twice you didn't want me to go."
"I am angry with you!" Falst exclaimed, "And I love you! Why the hell are you not staying here?"
"Okay, shush," Dainix pulled him in close again.
Falst was sandwiched into his chest. He looked up at Dainix, "You're going to miss out on having a family, for us," he said, rather than asking.
Dainix spoke to him softly, in a tone more befitting the quiet night outside, "I still have a family. I'm not leaving them, I just want to go away for a while. They don't care."
"Right," Falst said, unhappily. He pulled away from Dainix and put his head in his hands, "Gods, I'm sorry for being such a mess."
"That's okay, I'm along for the ride. If you'll have me, I would love to keep travelling with you," Dainix tipped his chin up, "And Falst…" He said gently.
Falst looked up at him, "Yes?"
"…I love you too," Dainix smiled.
Falst shit himself, realising what he had said.